My Dearest Jimmy,
I'm writing this to you on the second anniversary of your passing. I keep asking myself, "Have I really lived two years without you?" Before that fateful day I hadn't been without you for more than two months and those months seemed an eternity. And now I face an eternity on earth without you.
I thank God that He made be strong because without that strength I could not have faced even another day without you, let alone the remainder of my years on this earth.
I've remained focused and decisive and fulfilled your most ardent wish for me: to move back to NJ to be closer to family. It wasn't easy. In fact, it was harder than I could have ever imagined. But it was the best move for me.
My life is OK and I enjoy some happy
times. It will never seem right, though, because right always meant growing old together. Right meant sharing those ordinary rituals of our day to day lives. Right meant laughing together at all the silly things that always made us laugh.
So, it can't be right. It can be good at times but never right.
In my eulogy for your memorial services I said: "There won't be one minute of one hour of one day that I won't miss you." That is true now and will forever be true. There isn't one night that I don't picture your face as I drift off to sleep and there isn't one morning that awaken without seeing that handsome face and hearing your laughter. Your face, your name, your voice fill the biggest space in my heart.
I've often asked myself what I would have said to you on our last day had I but known that it ould be our last day. I would have told you how much I loved you and how much I always will love you. I would have told you how grateful I was that you loved me, how lucky I was that we met, that we shared thirty-eight years and that you were the best part of me and that I would never feel whole without you.
I would have also reassured you that I would stay strong, that I would take care of myself and that I would surround myself with good people. That would have made you happy because my happiness and well-being were always important to you.
Two years without you. How many years until we are together again? God alone knows. Until then, you remain my Jim, my "Little Boy", my "Top Dog", my best friend and the love of my life.
Always and ever,
Your Joanie, "you "Little Girl", your "Spot".