I can't believe that this is how I have to "release" my thoughts when I want to share something with you. I know you're dead, but sometimes I just think that this is all still a horrible nightmare. I know that souls never die because souls are energy, which can be transferred, but never destroyed. I'm not sure how it translates after that point, but writing here allows me to attempt to reach your soul. I hope you hear me. I miss you terribly. I am almost 5 months pregnant, Jay and I moved to Texas, and we bought a new house. So far they think the baby is a girl, but I find out for sure this week. Her name will be Madeline Joey Matisek. So much has changed in my life. The one thing that remains unchanged is the fact that you're not here. I'm going home for X-mas this year. This will be the first X-mas I've gone back home for in over 12 years. It will be bittersweet.I go to your grave everytime I'm in Cleveland, but that is not what I want. I want to see you, hug you, talk to you, & have you preach to me why I should move back to Cleveland. I want you there this X-mas arguing politics with Dad smoking your cigars and drinking your JW. Not sure why people say it gets better over time because for me it doesn't. I am finally having a baby and to know you won't be here makes me so sad. I just want you here. We all do. Mom, Dad, Helen, and Georgie. We never even have to say anything about you being gone. You can see the sadness in our eyes and feel the holes in our hearts. Of course, we move on with life and make the most out of it, but we all live with this eternal grief that will never go away. Especially mom and dad. They are the strongest people ever. I haven't even had my baby yet and I can't imagine anything bad happening to her. I would lose my mind. Joe, please remember that you are on our minds all the time. You have so many loved ones still mourning you. I don't want you to ever think that you are forgotten. Forgetting you is impossible. I love you and miss you.