~ Peter Albert Nick
September 7th 1934 – July 22nd 2013
There is no easy way for me to deal with the anniversary of today!! The past months of many “firsts” has now come to a complete full circle of 1year…it was a year of dealing with many 1st…. that I did not enjoy!!
I was in continuous contact and in tuned with heighten awareness of daily reminders of my Dad. Holidays were terrible and hard. Daily living now is associated memories of the past with my Dad and now life without him. Sometimes these memories and thoughts are and were overwhelming.
Not all memories came or come at the same time, I have remembered some things this past year that I didn't think about or remembered for decades…. And so it will go on like this for years to come, I am sure.
I know, I will continue to have old and new memories about my Dad. I talk to him everyday, sharing my crazy stupid life, details of the day, and share my worries about my Mom or Twinnies. I sometimes think I am seriously going crazy, because I can hear him tell me,
“Sal, it's okay or it will be okay.”
Everyday, I am not sure, not knowing why or when such overflowing feelings and memories about my Dad come to me. They just appear in my heart and in my head…but I have come to realize and truly know, that I will cry and feel intense grief over him and the memories for year to come.
I feel this is God's way of healing me.
In the beginning I was numb…. It was like GOD gave me shock absorbers so I didn't crumble and fall apart hourly or even daily…and sometimes it was a combination of my “acting” abilities at their finest…I fool others and myself a lot. Sometimes wishing someone would shake me and say….”Sally, you are not okay, fine, or good...stop saying that and acting like it is.” I look at myself in mirror and see such sad eyes staring back at me wondering how no one else can see what I see…I thought eyes were the windows to the soul?? I guess my mascara does wonders!!
I feel this is God's way too of holding me up so I feel my grief in small manageable doses.
This is what it is like for me daily now: I miss my Dad, lots!!
I feel robbed of quality time with him, just spending time together sitting around doing nothing at all except enjoying each others company, working on his garden and yard together, going out to get food (Oh, how we shared the love food!!), growing ever more older together as father and daughter, I miss simple things; like taking car rides to nowhere special, watching White Sox games and other Chicago sports teams, and finally…sharing and watching in amazement the two things that brought such mutual delight, laughter, precious memories, and shared smiles….
“Our” Skyler and Spencer. We watched in awe as they evolved into even more stellar human beings!!
My Dad loved to watch them on WGN-TV as the “TWINTERNS”. He would wake my Mom up in excitement that they were on air and then call me on the phone saying “you got to watch, they are on”…it was and is bitter sweet for me that my Dad really got to see them in “action” on the WGN Morning News Show but was not there in physical presence at their college graduation.
Sometimes, my “Twinnies”, Skyler & Spencer's actions and mannerism are so like my Dad…all I can do is smirk and give a nod up to Heavens.
In some ways, I am also accepting of his death… only when I come to think of it this way…. that he is FREE and released from the misery of infirmity that comes with old age…I thank God he will never have to deal with that. I can now remember my Dad clearly as a big, strong, able body, built tough like a bulldozer, with a HUGE heart that would do anything for anybody without judgment or repayment needed or expected!! He LOVED each and every one of his 5 daughters and 12 grandchildren and my Mom, his wife of 58 years!!
My Dad could brighten a room with his smile & laugh and made you feel like you were the most important person on the planet when you talked to him!!
So, now I am asking each one of you reading this for a small but important favor for me today on July 22nd 2014. At 5:50 pm (Central Time), it will mark the 1 anniversary of the exact time of my Dad's life here on Earth as done….
PLEASE do one or some of the following:
Have a moment of silence, Say a pray, Hug a loved one, Eat something really good (My Dad would really like that one!!), Do something kind, lite a candle, or Just smile!!
I am sure I will have many crying jags today and many more to come in the days, weeks and years ahead….
Praying I make it through this difficult, depressing, and dark day!!
May God comfort everyone who has lost his or her Father. Remembering that God is our heavenly father who blessed us with our earthly fathers and we can always find strength, peace, and the will to go on in this life through the Power and Blessings of God our Father. God, please keep my Dad in your heavenly grace and presence until WE meet again. Amen.
Dad, I love you & miss you lots!! ~Sal