2 months ago today. What feels like it has been eternity but in the same moment feels like its been two minutes, two minutes of holding my breath, hoping to stop time and take it all away. I hate that I have another moment, a paused moment in life that ill never forget. I had hoped we would only have positive frozen moments in time after Kristina, yet here we are again in what I was sure was our lucky 13, with another heart breaking, earth shattering moment ill never forget.
Billy and I went out to lunch before running errands. Just to have a nice Sunday lunch together. As I sat at that table I began to feel something was wrong. Never once did I imagine it could be my little brother. I was so scared it was my miracle child, my little princess growing inside of me. I was worried we were experiencing the loss of another child. That somehow she would be taken from me as had happened before. I never, not once imagined it was my B, sharing his last smile, before taking his last breath. I told Billy we needed to come home and I wanted to rest and see if Kynslei was okay. I was laying in bed trying to ease my anxiety, my bodies preparation for my heart to be destroyed. I had just started to feel like I had overcome my fear of the phone. The magical device that makes us all feel so close together but has now twice ripped life right out of grasp. I almost didn't take the call. I was focused on my baby that I was sure wasn't okay. My instinct told me to take the call. I've always wondered what if I hadn't? Would that make it not real? Or just cause my mom to suffer longer without me? To be honest I can't remember the words Larry said. Not sure they matter. I'm pretty sure I only heard what I wanted or the parts I could bare to process, which wasn't much. I don't know how to explain the shrieks and panic and screams I immediately let out. Unable to hear the words coming across the phone. Billy ran in to take the phone away with immediate concern for our growing child. My fear and disbelief immediately turned to my begging and pleading with God. My questioning of him. I was convinced that in all of the confusion one of the kids taken to the hospital was my boy, my sibling, my world, my brother. Pleading with the man upstairs to let my mom find Anthony at the hospital. That there was no way my mother and I could be expected to move forward from another loss. Another goodbye without warning, another child stolen right out from under us. I was sure the God knew we weren't able of handling such a loss. That we had already had more than our fair share of grief and loss. That my family had already been torn apart by the loss of our sister, how could we be expected to try and live on through more loss.
There were several more calls and texts that took place I think. Non of which I was allowed to be apart of. My husband immediately went into protection mode and I was left in the daze of believing my brother was okay, recovering and fighting in a hospital. I too was in a hospital, being checked and monitored for the precious life growing inside of me. Waiting to be given medicine to help me breathe and calm down enough to take care of my unborn child. The moments and days that immediately followed really truly were a haze. I don't even know that I could tell you when reality was handed to me that my brother was actually gone. That we weren't headed to help him recover and fight in the hospital but to plan yet another funeral of a child. A child with my blood, shared DNA, the same childhood.
The next thing I know we were being allowed to see you. Which was crazy to me since we had already been through the motions of planning your final departure, without really feeling like you were actually gone. If I'm being completely honest, most days I'm not sure I still believe you're gone.
The image of my sweet baby boy, the one who's eyes held such innocent, but who was rapidly growing into a handsome young man.... Forever still, resting, engraved in my mind. I never ever wanted to leave your side. I didn't want to leave you. Or maybe it was really that I wasn't ready for you to leave me. I know I said I didn't want you to grow up, but I promise this isn't what I meant when I said it.
I just miss you so so much. And I'm not sure where my rambling was set to go. Maybe it just helps to get it all out and down. Maybe it will feel like its off my chest. Somehow I don't think it will be that easy. You've been gone two months, and Kynslei is due in two. How does two months divide my life so completely? How do I go from the worst, most life destroying moment to what is expected to the best, most love filled moment of my life? Promise me Anthony you'll be there. Promise me you're building a fantastic Uncle/Niece relationship with my child right now. She deserves it. I want her to know all about you and your love for her. I want her to know that amazingly unexplainable bond you and I share. I don't want her to know even an ounce of the pain I know as a sibling or our mother feels for the loss of her children. I never want my child to experience the pains we have. I know you're a busy Angel up in heaven. I know you come to us and show us love and protection. But more than anyone I need you to be with Kynslei, pure, sweet, innocent Kynslei.
Ill never understand how life can be such a cruel place. Ill never understand how Mom and I have found strength to move forward. Ill never understand why just one moment couldn't have been different. Just as I know no one will ever understand our love. You were my world, my love, my baby, my soul sibling, my B.
I love you dude.