My Dearest Grandma,
There were so many things I feel that I did get to say to and many that I did not.
I just wanted to give you a few that I felt I should have shared more candidly with you.
I thank you for first bath I ever received. You welcomed my cleansed heart into this world.
I thank you for holding my hands and touching my face with such a mother's love. For this I have learned to hold people I love dearly without abandon.
I thank you for teaching every lesson right down to washing dishes correctly. The conversation we had when I was about 9 years old. Oh how foolish was I to think that you were only washes dishes because you were a woman. A child, a girl of my time would so easily misunderstand that washing those dishes, doing the laundry, sweeping the floors were never to be at place as a woman but as the woman of a clean and welcoming home.
I thank you for you walking with me in the middle of the night along the ditch banks of Mesilla holding my hand, keeping me protected and sharing with me some whimsical land in my fairy tale head of shooting stars and dark silence; such a beautiful silence. For that, the one place I am always so very safe, I will someday call home because of you.
I thank you for holding my hand when we would watch fireworks together on 4th of July. I've never been one to run around on these types of holidays and sitting beside you on the stoop on Calle de Colon always found me at home.
I thank you for teaching me how to pray. Without prayer I don't know where I would be given some points in my life. Even now I find myself reciting the prayers you taught me in time of joy, thankfulness, and in time of sadness.
I thank you for four Thanksgiving's ago. Outside in the cold El Paso air, snow pouring from the heavens and you helped Micah and I make a snow-man. You had all the parts to make him perfect: buttons for eyes and mouth, a carrot for the nose and a paper bag you spent 30 minutes shaping for the perfect hat for us. I will never forget standing with you in such a perfect memory of snow blanketing the ground and falling from up high your happiness was so beautiful to me.
I thank you for last fall when you and I spent five solid days together. We went through memories and regrets, love stories of you and grandpa and sorted paper clips and newspapers for hours. You explained to me how important it was to live this life fully and to never take it for granted. You told me to hold on tight to Mom, Croix, Micah and Tab. You told me it was okay to love Amie. You told me that love has no judgments and only God can provide us who we should love. We talked about my regrets and my longings. You told me I had the power of many women inside of me to make anything happen. I agree and I believe you. I will always be strong because of you and your children. We talked about what makes a person “good” and what makes a person “bad.” We talked about walking and how fun it was to walk during the evening in summer and the morning in spring. We talked about the rain and flowers and what types of flowers make us happy. We both liked the same flowers. We talked about Grandpa. We talked about your children. We talked about your mother and how hard everyone worked to have what your grandchildren have now in the present. You asked me to learn how to forgive people. You asked me to learn to help people bridge gaps. You reminded me, although I've never forgotten, of when I was little & you told me I would be the one to keep the family functioning and remind them to be together. You told me when I was a little girl that I would be just like you. Grandma I can only hope and strive to be a part of what made of you so amazing.
I am so very thankful for many more memories my grandma. You are so beautiful to me and I promise to continue growing for the better as a person for you and for me.
I promise to love those around me as much as you did. I promise to keep your memory alive and well into my own children, grand-children and God willing great-children.
I'm finding that more and more each day my thoughts are settling that you are no longer here. Each day, although a new day, has been a different challenge. A challenge to accept that I can no longer feel your hands or hear your sweet words. I miss you more than words can ever explain. You were and always will be my guiding light and my strength. I know you are with me because I can feel your love and presence daily. My memory holds you vivid. I know my heart will heal with time and I thank you for the many years of guidance and unconditional love. You will always be in my heart and in my thoughts.
You are greatly missed my grandma.
Your loving grand-daughter,