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Patricia A. Massari

Patricia A. Massari

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August 30, 2014
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August 30, 2014
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May 07, 2002
Dear Trish
It’s me your bugaboo. Tomorrow is May 8th 2002, so you know what that means we celebrate our 3 year Wedding Anniversary. I am writing you this to let you know the only difference this year is I don’t have you here to celebrate it with. I am never going to accept that you are gone not like this not the way we are suppose to grow old with each other. You were my best friend and my strength; I looked to turn to you when things were bad and now I don’t have that. I am lost without you Hun, I try each and everyday to gain some sort of strength and the pain has not lessen with the time because in this time all I have is days like this without you, and all of our memories together hurt me a lot because I want them back. I want to say thank you for letting me have such great friends and family around me, you always worried about me and everyone says that they dream about you and say you tell them in the dreams you are worried about me so much. It’s nice to know you are in there dreams but I will wait until I see you in my dreams. Trish I really am lost on words I don’t know where to begin. It’s never going to make sense. Remember when we attended a cop’s funeral service and after we walked home you cried hysterical and said to me that this is what you never ever want to go through with me becoming a cop especially if we had a family and we were not even married yet and still I said fine no problem I respected your feelings. I’ve said after all of this that has happened to many people we never though this could happen to you were now I am left suffering I wish it was me not you. We are going on 8 months almost since this has happened and I am writing for the first time. You know why Trish because you loved to get letters from me that’s all we did when we first started dating. I was never the writing type but when I did it surprised you so much. Again we celebrate our Wedding day tomorrow and what led to this. Where do I begin, well let me take it back to when we got engaged I remember at first you did not really suspect I would propose and you were worried after I did propose if I had asked your father for his permission well we all know what happened when I did was that not so funny. Time went on and the search for the wedding began you and I went to many halls and you and your mother searched for that perfect dress. We went all over to make sure this was going to be the best day of our lives. After all the planning and saving it finally arrived. It was on Saturday in the afternoon at St. Matthias were I seen you walk down the aisle and never looked so bright and beautiful. I cried because you were going to be my wife and like you said to me over and over who would have guessed me and you would have been married. We were husband and wife for eternity. After the wedding we headed over to the reception and had such a great time and it went so fast but still to this day all I hear from family and friends is how beautiful the wedding was. Some even said that it was the best they aver attended. So we did good Hun, and then we headed off to Hawaii. Paradise is not a word for that place, there really is no word for that place. I was going to surprise you for our five year anniversary and take you back because you loved it so much. Time went on and we became busy you went to work and school and I went to work and school so we did not have much time like we would like but it was for a better life for us and we were getting there. I know we made up for it in other ways, like when you would come home and I would surprise you with dinner or something cute I bought outside. Then we would go on weekend getaways together to Wildwood NJ and Ocean City Maryland that was our vacation and we had such great times. Remember in Maryland when we rented the double bikes and you were doing all of the peddling and I watched you get so mad but I loved it because you were so tired. But we were a team. The last trip we went on was to Wildwood the best moment I had there was I finally convinced you to let me buy the Lifeguard sweat top because everyone had one and then when you seen that I had one and you didn’t you wanted to get one as well and I gave you a hard time like you did to me but again we laughed and took pictures together and Trish they came out so good, again we looked like a team. Then September 9th came around, and we were invited to a church picnic with our best friends Mike and Maria. We had such a great time we played softball, Frisbee, bocce and even basketball, again we were a team. And we even won. After the game I walked with you to the bathroom and hugged you so tight and you said to Mike and Maria look my husband does love me, and they laughed but for that moment I felt like for all the busy time in our life and all the less romance we rekindled for lost time and it felt great to have you in my arms like that. Monday came around and it was back to normal we had finals that week so you studied that night and you sat at the computer and finished your paper and looked so stressed so I came over and massaged your shoulders and you were happy that I did that but you grabbed my arm and looked at me and said I have to tell you something important and I did not know what it could be and you said I think I’m pregnant and I said are you sure and you said I think so I have all the signs and so to make sure you had a pregnancy test but said we will do it in the morning. So I said ok and we went to sleep. We got up together on September 11th and took the test and what you thought was true was you were going to be a Mommy for the first time and you cried because you were so scared to be a Mom but I told you Hun it will be all right because we are a team and we will be all right. So you got yourself together and I helped get you ready for work and you told me you call later on and the last thing I remember is you hugged me and told me that you loved me and I seen you walk away for the last time not knowing. Later on when you called me and told me you have the second test to make totally sure I was trying to make sure you were alright and then once again you worried if I was ok and then you screamed and that is my last words with you on this earth. WHY?

Trish I don’t know what to say anymore I hurt so much without you. We are supposed to be a team. Now I am by myself. I lost you and our child who I could only imagine, my heart aches so much for you I have a couple of things I want to tell you.

I wish for so many things, I wish that we would be celebrating tomorrow together; I wish we could plan all the plans of our child like the shower and all that stuff, like a team. I wish you would be there for me when I turn for you when I’m having a bad time. I wish you could see how much I love you. I wish you stayed home that day. I wish I did not have to hear you scream. I just wish you were here; I would give everything back again just to have five more minutes with you because maybe I could change all of this.
Trish I am so sorry for not taking you dancing like you wanted to. I am so sorry for not keeping you home after we found out we were having a family. I am sorry so sorry you had to see something scary in your last moments and I am sorry the world is so Evil.

On May 8th 2002 I will be by your grave and I will play our song so you could here it again. I miss you beyond anything in this world. I miss our team Trish. A team that was going to get bigger. I know you can hear me. Just make sure when my time comes no matter when that is that you will be there with our little child and hold me tight forever. Until that day, from this moment I will make you proud and know I Love you for eternity. XOXOXO(ADOR). Thank You for Loving me and showing me True Love.



Eternally Your Husband and Bugaboo
Louis Massari

P.S. Give a Hug to our little one from
Daddy.

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