When my son Joshua died I hoped it was a mistake. It was not.
I hoped it was a dream. It was not.
Before my son died, I hoped for enough time in that day to clean my house, provide my family
with clean laundry, taxi service and healthy meals. I loved dinner time with my family. After my
son died, I did not know what day it was, cleaning our home or doing laundry were things I no
longer thought of. I did not cook. I did not shop for food. I did not eat.
I hoped he would come back. He did not.
I hoped I would gain understanding. I did not.
I could not understand how I could wake up on a perfectly normal morning and my son was gone
from his room, gone from our home and gone from our lives.
I hoped for acceptance. I found none.
I hoped those around me would understand me. They did not.
How could my beautiful, vibrant, healthy son be gone?
I hoped for peace. I had none.
I hoped for sleep. I had none.
I hoped for courage to resume my daily life. My life was out of my control. The only thing I was
sure of in the early days of my grief was that I knew my life would never be the same again.
I hoped this empty feeling would go away. It did not.
I hoped that some day my family would be normal again. We were not.
I hoped I could stop looking for our son in every young man I saw that was tall, slim and had
sandy colored hair. I could not.
I hoped I could become the parent to my surviving children that I knew they deserved. I could
I knew how much they were hurting but I could not help myself and I could not help my children.
My younger son Jordan needed my comfort. My Son Noah, expecting his own child needed my comfort.
my daughter Chelea became a wife,
I was their mother but there was no comfort in me to give.
I hoped I could be a wife to my Barney.I could not.
I never hoped for laughter. How could I laugh when my son was dead?
I hoped the feelings that consumed my every waking moment would somehow change so I did
not feel as though I could never again be in a public place without crying.
At 6 months after my son died, I hoped for a reprieve. I no longer could stand the pain and I saw
my doctor. I knew he must have an answer to my question, “how long will I feel like this”. He
I had begun attending Bereaved Parents meetings and hardly spoke a word at the first meeting. I
could not stop talking at the second meeting. I had found the glimmer of hope that I had been
searching for. I hoped this all consuming grief would never again happen to my family. knew what he was feeling. I hoped to be able to help him and his I could not.
I then realized that all of the things I had hoped for had begun to come about but had taken a lot
of time. I hoped my chidren could hold on long enough for time to help and heal. They
When my son died, I never hoped for joy. I could not imagine joy as part of our lives ever again,
but there is joy.
When my son was a baby, a toddler, a young child, a teenager and a young man, I watched over
him. I thought I would watch over him for my entire life. I was wrong. I hope with all my heart
that he is watching over me.
I now have the understanding I hoped for. I have peace. I finally sleep. I find joy every time I see
a tall, slim young man with sandy colored hair. I do not cry as often.
So there is hope. We all have a future; we have memories. No matter how long our children were
part of our lives, we have memories. The first time I realized that joy would one day be part of
my life was the day I remembered a trick my son played on his little brother. He gave him a glass
of buttermilk instead of regular milk and pretended it was a mistake. We have laughed so many
times about this little story. I can still see the twinkle in his eye. I can hear my son and daughter
as he made up names for her to tease her. Oh, how he loved to laugh. I remember the look on his
face when I discovered the snake he put in my garden terrarium.
I know the joy I feel every time I think of my son, share a memory with someone or look at
pictures of him will never change.
My hope as a Mother is that we all will find peace and cherish the joy our children have brought
to our lives.Joshua you are a perfect son, I miss you but I promise you I will forever love and miss you I saw you last week in the clouds with your dirtbike jesus was on the back!! I know you are at pease bigboy mommy loves you.