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Joan Rivers' Simple Funeral Plan

Legacy.com / Nick Ehrhardt

Joan Rivers' Simple Funeral Plan

Joan Rivers (Photo by James Devaney | WireImage)

Joan Rivers (Photo by James Devaney | WireImage)

Vikings were well-known for their outlandish funerals. Pharaohs built massive pyramids for their afterlives, and even the Taj Mahal was built as a final resting place. But as spectacular as those final arrangements are, they pale in comparison to the funeral Joan Rivers planned for herself in her 2012 book, I Hate Everyone ... Starting With Me:

When I die (and yes, Melissa, that day will come; and yes, Melissa, everything's in your name), I want my funeral to be a huge showbiz affair with lights, cameras, action. ... I want Craft services, I want paparazzi and I want publicists making a scene! I want it to be Hollywood all the way. I don't want some rabbi rambling on; I want Meryl Streep crying, in five different accents. I don't want a eulogy; I want Bobby Vinton to pick up my head and sing "Mr. Lonely." I want to look gorgeous, better dead than I do alive. I want to be buried in a Valentino gown and I want Harry Winston to make me a toe tag. And I want a wind machine so that even in the casket my hair is blowing just like Beyonce's.

It sounds like an amazing affair, and surely the hottest ticket in town. The worst part, of course, is that we won't get to hear what Joan thought about everyone's outfits.