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Raymond Clark Obituary
Ray was a member of the Confederated Tribes of the Umatilla Indian Reservation in Oregon and the Chugach Native Corp. in Alaska. Ray was very proud of his Alaska Native and American Indian heritage. His father was Raymond Clark Sr., and his mother's were Hannah Bettles and Dorothy Clark. He spent his childhood up the Umatilla River and attended school in Athena, Ore.
He joined the U.S. Navy in 1972 and was stationed on the USS Dixie. This is where he learned "to turn his brown eyes blue." In 2001 he married Colleen O'Halloran.
Ray worked many years for the Union Pacific Railroad. He also worked as a mechanic on heavy equipment for a mining company in Alaska, as an engineer on a fishing boat in Dutch Harbor, in the logging industry and in masonry. He loved to hunt, cut wood in the mountains and was never too far from home without his beloved dog, Baby.
Ray loved the mountains and the rivers and spent time there whenever possible. He loved spending time with his grandkids; they knew him affectionately as their "Papa." He had the best Cheshire grin and deep laugh that will be sorely missed by all of his family and friends. Ray was a kind, thoughtful, loving, sharing and caring husband.
His wife stated, "I am so thankful for all the love we shared and will always cherish the memories of our life together. He was and will always be my 'Ray of sunshine.'"
He is survived by his wife, Colleen; his children and their spouses., Bryon Clark, Tawni (Clark) and Jason Holtzman, Kathy and Ruben Candelaria, Amber and Cody Pierce and Justin Erickson; his beloved grandchildren, Kyndel and Landyn Holtzman of Fairbanks, Jeremiah and Kaidence Pierce of Fort Richardson and Sitalia, Ruben and Joseph Candelaria of Denver; his good friend, Julie Clark; his siblings, Leroy Himes, Nina Zerba, Darla Clark, Marlene Cook and Lonnie Cloe; mother-in-law, Rebecca Nelson; two sisters-in-law; and eight brothers-in-law.
He was preceded in death by his father Raymond Clark Sr.; his mother's, Hannah Bettles and Dorothy Clark; little brother Leighton; "Pops" Nick Nelson; father-in-law, Charles O'Halloran; son Shawn Robinson; and his best friend Virgil Bronson.
There will be no service at his request. His cremains will be scattered in Dutch Harbor, one of his favorite places, the Blue Mountains of Oregon where he spent his childhood and some will be kept close to our hearts.
Arrangements were entrusted to Chapel of Chimes Funeral Home.
To plant trees in memory, please visit the Sympathy Store.
Memories and Condolences
for Raymond Clark
Landyn Holtzman
December 2, 2021
kinda sucks that you died when I was 3. but I'm turning 14 this month and over ten years since you've been gone and over 7 years since coleens has been gone.
Colleen Clark
June 11, 2013
Hey my Ray of Sunshine...
Looks like this will be going down so thought i'd write you again.Guess i'll have to just keep talking to you @ night when i look @ our stars.Thank you for all of them.So rough & tough ,but always had such a soft & loving spot for us every night.Actually you were a loving and very caring man & I was lucky to have shared my life w/you.Just wish i would have made you go in.Or been ready that morning like i should have been.I'm so sorry...I'll carry that with me for the rest of my life.
Hoping someone will put this on disc if possible so i can get the book made myself.Add pics.It was a good-no,it was a great life.Crying as i write this because it's another part i have to let go of.I never want it to be like you never happened.You certainly brought out the best in me & i hope i did the same.I remember whenever you did take time off work and come into my work the girls always wondered what you bought me.They would call me after to see what it was.You sure were full of surprises.
I feel you by me again and it's always when i need that shoulder.Im doing my best to move on and it's pretty lonely at times but hopefully not for long.How could it be with 6 grandbabies here right?
Well i hate to do this but i'm going to close for tonight & i'll write 1 more time tomarrow.Can barely see thru the tears...I love you & i always will.
Colleen Clark
June 9, 2013
Still just want to know why...taken too young.Thinking of you & everyone else.
Love & hugs,Colleen
Julie Clark
May 27, 2013
Thnking of you on this Memorial day. I know that a part of you is looking out over the ones you left behind. The G kids have grown so much and the little one is soo much like you that I know you are laughing right know. Pray for Tawni. What surprises are in store for her. Guide Colleen to make good choices for her life. She has such great kids.God really blessed her that way. Know that we miss you and please hug my mom. Love, Julie
Colleen Clark
May 19, 2013
Hello my Sunshine,Once again it's that time of yr & in a few hrs it'll be 8 long yrs since Shawn had to lv us.Still have such a hard time with losing everyone so quickly. So pls love hug & kiss my Shawn for me.Struggled today & hurts even more as that hr comes up.I am so scared of losing anyone else.Barely made it thru losing you.But i'll do my best to keep my happy face on...Actually i'm starting counceling for grief & other issues from childhood that keep me from remembering so much. You know me & my brain blocks it out & has impacted my life from so much. Especially confidence.But you knew all this and understood. Spoiled me so i didn't have to deal w/ those fears.Gotta deal
with them sometime & i'd like to enjoy the rest of my life with no regrets.
Still
Look @ the stars @ nite & talk to you when i need to.You were always here for me & ty for that.
Making a trip to Ak this summer.Time to deal with everything- after some counciling though.It is beautiful here.i enjoy listening to our gkids. For having 6 in this house it's pretty quiet.Love watching them together & just being kids. School gets out this wk so it should be interesting. They play alot of basketball. This house is the " kool-aid house. Neighbor kids come & throw hoops w/ the boys. The 7th& 9th of June i'll be @ football camp with 3 of our gsons! Possiblity of Broncos showing up so i need to get a tee for them to sign! Yes, i AM a Packer fan, but while in Denver... ;)
Time for me to go in & watch tv & the clock...Going to be a long hard day,but i'll make it.
Much love to you,Momma(hug her pls.REALLY miss talking to her) ,Pops,Dad,Your Mom & everyone else up there i miss & love so much...
Love,Colleen
Colleen Clark
May 6, 2013
Hey my Sunshine,
Alot going on inside this lil peabrain.Feel bad i didn't post on your 2nd yr gone,but i thought of you & fought to let that day go.Wish i could talk to you right now.You always had a way of letting me see my "options" lol.Actually i know what you would say~ starting with "Woman",or Colleen if serious~all those yrs and you hardly ever called me by my name.
Before anything else PLS hug and kiss my Shawn,Mom,Dad & Pops.Knowing you all are together makes it a little easier.Knowing no one is suffering anymore makes it ok.
Our granddaughter~your Tilly~ is turning 16! Amazing how fast time has flown by.One of the many joys i do get daily is watching Ruben Jr eat ice cream everyday just like his Papa.Makes me smile.
Things happen that i know are not a coincidence. Like my ph ringing just now..I needed that.So ready to move forward~actually i am.Don't want regrets later from lack of really living.Hope i'm making you smile & say it's about time.I know you have to be!
Going on a rd trip w/Amber after Tillys party.Back to Washington & thru Pendleton on the way!After that it's California here i come.Will be heading to Alaska this summer to bring the truck down.Going to be fun getting her down the Alcan 1 more time!
Well Sunshine~keep shining on me & our family.Thank you for loving me & showing me a great life.All the love,peace & happiness we shared in our crazy life.Even with the crazy schedule we always put us 1st!Even if it was via ph calls @ crazy hrs when we were apart.I will carry those memories with me ~always.Will never settle for less~knowing i AM worth more & returning all the love & respect given to me 10 fold.
So it's off to another day and i'm ready!
Love to you & the family.
Always,CC
Colleen Clark
April 10, 2013
Hello my Angel,
Tomarrow should have/ would have been ur birthday so
Thought i'd get on here today & let you know you are missed so much.i always will miss you& love you . I remember ur last bday we had together & everyone we were blessed with previous to that last one.How u turned it from me to getting u gifts & then u took "us" shopping.
I know ur glad i'm back in Denver. I know i heard u asking me"WTH were u thinking?" i wasn't. That dream i had & u told me i'd be ok....makes SO much more sense now.Scared i was going down & in Az i was. But i remember u told me I'd be ok.You know what's up w/ me now & i'm happy.Fot the most part.Still have ALL the lose ends to tie up.And bring the truck/ things down from Ak.Just had to run & take a break from the grief. Was it right-No.,but i wasn't either.
Thank u for being such a loving husband to me Ray. You taught me I was worth loving & taught me how to love again- easy w/ u.And life is about loving/living.We
all deserve 2,3& sometimes 4th chances.Ty & God for those lessons.
So if u can pull urself awayfrom all those beautiful angels come by & let me feel u -if not i send u humongous hugs & kisses! Pls pass some to Shawn, Mom, Dad&Pops.and everyone else i love & miss so much.I love you Ray....Always,Colleen
S
Colleen Clark
January 28, 2013
Another early but beautiful day in Arizona.Dr appt today. Can't say much for the healthcare in this state.Thank goodness i have access to Nv & Calif!Been laying low here but hope to be out playing in the desert soon.Think of you often my sunshine.Back on Facebook to try and keep in touch .But you know me. I"ll check out and just do me when it gets to be too much.Wish it was different. I love Az - beats -60 in Fairbanks,but i miss Ak too.So many memories and was hard everytime i had to come home.Heard a song that fit"Stars" Well time to finish up my coffee & get ready to find out whats going on healthwise-besides the obvious...At times i hear you laughing when i do or say my "Colleen" things.Which makes me smile.I"ll check in later. Love you...*Terry- ty for comment.hope all is well. Been a Loooong time.Let"s catch up.
Terry Hollis
January 3, 2013
I'm so sorry to hear of your loss Colleen,Try to stay strong.
Mrs.Colleen Clark
December 28, 2012
Hello my Sunshine,
I know it's been awhile and i still miss you so much my heart still hurts w/o you.Never knew a deeper love in all my life except our kids and i have faied them cuz it still hurts so much baby.Fight/Flt=I flew...forgive me pls.I miss you so much Ray.I thank God every day our kids r grown and i miss them so much as i do you.Too much for me to handle.Especially since Mom is now with you.Pls hug n kiss her and everyone else with you.I am trying my hardest to pull myself together and don't want to be a burden to our kids.They have suffered so much w/you -Mom being gone and me trying to be there for them-which i failed miserebly.I know they have there hands full now and i am too young as they are to be a burden on them.Sorry i didn'y write u on Thanksgiving/Christmas-hoping to have a ph soon so i can stay in touch w/you & kids.I miss you more than all our stars Ray.Happiest times of my life were spent with you and i look forward to being together one day so pls don't be late picking me up.
Always & forever,
Mrs.C.Clark
Julie Clark
December 14, 2012
Just a line to say we all miss you very much. There will be a ornament on the tree. You could never be forgotten. That laugh, that smile or the way you stoled the hearts of little children. God bless you and Colleen. Julie
Colleen Clark
September 6, 2012
Hey my Sunshine,Amber went to see Kathy & family and then onto Ft.Lewis,Wa. when she woke up she saw the Umitilla sign.& They stopped @ the Travel Plaza.She checked the recipt and saw Pendleton,Oregon on it.Did't know tey were driving thru there.of course i cried & she said when she saw that & McDonalds she started crying.Never mentioned being emotional about you gone b4,but i know how much u loved our kids n how much you meant 2 her/them.Was meant to be.Been so emotional again.Did so well in Denver n i'm tired baby.Trying to get serious but it's always 1 ft forward,2-3 back.I must have been a bad person to have all this happen. well i need to try & get out.Been sick since yesteday so i hope it's almost over.Felt u last ngt when it was bad.Thx 4 being by me still.I'll always love you Ray.Miss you more than all our stars.Love,Colleen
Colleen Clark
September 2, 2012
hey babe,it's been awhile and i'm sorry.i think about you everyday and just trying to jumpstart my life. i know your probably shaking your head and saying i can do this,don't be scared.you were my #1 cheerleader.winter is right around the corner.feels like it just ended.except for goin to colorado i've pretty much holed up in here.started counciling.you know how much i have to try & work thru and soon my therapist will too.alot to deal with but now that im alone its alot harder and sleeping is a gift these days.felt so safe with you.you were truly my best friend cuz you understood me.in limbo now on what to do.i don't like the thought of another winter alone freezing.it was nice in colorado but i hate being a burden to anyone & seems thats all i am.i know the love me. just want to be able to make it & im failing miserably.would have been better if we went together.you weren't suppose to lv me.going to do what i can and make some decisions on where this nightmare of a journey takes me.pls give aunt eileen a big hug 4 me.good memories of her & uncle walt.loved going there.well my sunshine i love & miss you more than all our stars.always in my heart/head,Colleen
Colleen Clark
August 11, 2012
Good morning Sunshine,I'm still in Colorado.Have a fabulous tan and losing wt.Been working out @ Kathys.They have everything I need.The treadmill is my favorite still,but i started free wts also for my arms.My back and arms don't appreciate it much but i am trying to tone up and keep my mind occupied.
Justin came down for the weekend and we had so much fun playing-yes we played!He ordered Heritage coffee to be delivered here and we appreciated that very much.I am so happy he is the way he is and some things he does remind me of you SO much-i know that's where he got it so thank you for ALWAYS LOVING ME AND ALL OUR KIDS/GKIDS.Never in my life did i ever think i would find someone who truly loved and accepted me for me as you did.I am so thankful i had you-just wish it was alot longer.I look at your pictures and still wonder what the heck?Why us?Why you? When i had my talk w/you i felt you there.I get this amazing warmth over me and i start breathing deep.Thank you.Not really paying attn now to the days -i should,i know i have to return to the icebox.Going to be rough when i get back for sure.The ph,cable abd internet are probably gone,but as long as i can keep electricity going...
Well my love i will always be grateful for having you in my life,always sad you weren't here w/us longer,and i will always love you and the beautiful life we had-you were a beautiful amazing man.I'll talk to you again soon.Miss you more than all our stars....
Much love,Colleen
Our son Justin.You taught him alot and he is doing well.Does alot of things just the way you taught him.He is a great son.Thank you for loving us all
Colleen Clark
July 21, 2012
Tilly and I @ Texas Steakhouse in Thornton,Co. In Apr 2012
Colleen Clark
July 21, 2012
Colleen Clark
July 21, 2012
Hello my love,
It's saturday and i'm at home.Suppose to go to dinner but plans changed so i'm getting ready to bake some bread.You loved it when i did and made cinnamon/dinner rolls for you.I didn't go to a store and i have all the stuff to make it.
Had a ok day.Got out for a little bit.It has been pouring rain for days now.I truly believe it's going to be the worst winter yet.Meanwhile the rest of the U.S. is burning up.Amber has been dealing with 100's for wks now in Missouri.Feel bad for the farmers and ranchers-which will affect us all.
Leaving here soon for Colorado and Idaho-thanks to Justin again.He is looking after me.Wish things were different though.I haven't paid the GCI bill.was a toss up between electricity or GCI and i need electricity worse than GCI.Now i am trying to figure out how to pay for space rent before i go.It's beyond leaving here now-just trying to survive.I truly thought Social Security would be finished by now.
Got a surprise when i finally checked my emails-your ex Sally sent a email.Surprised me.I didn't reply as she emailed months ago.
Justin sent me pics he shot of Pendleton,Blue Mtns and from Cabbage Hill.I felt you so strongly when i looked at them and remembered out time there.I miss you.It's not easy by far but not having you hurts the most.Even now as i'm trying to go on.I like the company but when i get home i feel like i shouldn't have gone out.Feel guilty and i haven't even done anything.Like i said though i like having someone to talk to-awkward as it was.Managed to get some laughs in.Felt good.He came w/a Heritage Mocha like you use to do and that brought on memories of you coming in and handing me one.I miss you still so much and i hope you know this.You still have so much of my heart.That's probably why i can't/won't "play baseball" w/him.Can't get to 1st base.
Remember my friend Mike-who i said was from Pendleton?I am getting closer to finding him i think.I hope all is the same cuz he was a great friend to me for a llong time and use to sing to me-just call my name and i'll be there.Well it's that time now.He would be ideal for a roommate.We were before and it was great.I trusted him w/my life like i did you.I knew you always had my back and felt so safe.And he was from Pendleton.The trail i'm following is Pendleton,Hermiston and Umatilla.We were so close @ times.He was in Tx for awile too but i hope it's Pendleton now.No ph # out there anywhere for him.
Well i need to get that bread done so i can make a sandwich.
I love and miss you more than all our stars,
Colleen
I'm already in my jammies and going to watch movies after i get the dough started.
Colleen Clark
July 12, 2012
My Ray of sunshine,
I love you.Counting down the days til i go to Colorado and Idaho.Time to pull me back out again.I am truly falling apart.I have given up.Things are not getting better as i hoped and i have nothing left emotionally or otherwise.Takes everything i have to get out and after what happened today i don't think i'll be going anywhere for awhile.Stuff like that never happened when you were here and i want you back so bad.I don't even have it in to to do anything.I don't even know what to do i am such a mess.Don't even feel like checking the maul these days-nothing in there i can do anything about anyway.
I put a smile on for the kids but i am so far from it.Poor Amber knows how emotionally bad off i am.I don't know why i break down to her.Probably cuz ,here's a good one,i don't have anyone and i was /am always there when she needed someone.It's not right either way.She is my child and they don't need to hear me babble about how bad things are.
I just don't know what to do anymore.I'm cutting internet/phone tomarrow.
I feel like i'm on a roller coaster and can't get off.My mind is spinning and i can't sleep.I know what i should try and do but it's going to hurt.Already does.Please forgive me.I love you so so much Ray.
Colleen Clark
July 8, 2012
Hello Babe,
It's sunday and i spent the weekend with my brother Chuck and his friend Ray.It was nice.We went up to Chena Hot Springs and i walked around while they soaked in the Springs.Of course the weekend went by too fast and it was sad to see them leave.
Been a little confused here and i'm sure you are getting a few laughs in.Or maybe your letting me know the answer is no.I don't know but i was hoping....
Tired of being alone.Tired of this mess i'm in.Wish i was younger.I am stuck and i have never been not able to figure something out.
No call back from my Dr yet.It feels like everything i am trying to do or let happen isn't and i am so tired of this lack of luck/lack of life.
I am so thankful i met you.So happy you showed me how it it feels to be truly wanted.Everyday you called me at least once.Surprised me all the time and didn't even live in the same city.I think times have changed.At least from what i've experienced.I would settle for a close friend just to hang out with and do fun things together-even if it was just staying home watching a movie.Someone to talk to.So if you happen to know anyone like that pls feel free to send him my way.People probably think i'm crazy talking to you and i would love for someone to answer me.It was nice waking up and having coffee with Chuck/Ray.I miss simple things like that so much.Never under estimate the power of human contact.I'm so lonely Ray.And so scared.My world is falling apart.I don't get it.Why i was left here and why you were chosen instead of me.You had so much to offer.You did so much.I don't mean to sound like poor me.I'm sorry.
I should be grateful(i am) i had company and got to go for a lil road trip.Good food -not the $2.00 meal i eat.And ppl to talk to face to face.AND Ray brought up some coffee beans for me so i am grateful for that too.Used my brand new Quisinart grinder Amber gave me.it matches the coffee maker you bought.You will be happy to hear i quit smoking today.Not much of a choice but i'm going to give it my best shot.Pretty soon i will qualify to join the convent! I can hear you laughing right now and i see your beautiful smile....i miss you(more than all our stars).Til next time,
Toodle Do....
Much love,many hugs and lots of kisses,Colleen
Colleen Clark
July 5, 2012
Hello my Sunshine,
Made it thru yesterday.Actually fell asleep even though our neighbors accross the slough were setting off fireworks and they were exploding on our side!I kept hearing something tapping the window in my sleep and i woke up scared thinking someone was watching me on the couch.Finally i looked out and what did i see?....The biggest and most beautiful moon.I can't even tell you when i last saw "our moon".Was strange cuz it's daylight but it was almost glowing...Could this have been a answer to my question to you yesterday? I would love to believe it is.I asked(actually yelled) are you still with me?I've been so confused and worried lately.At times i'm ok then i feel so guilty for being here and trying to go on.
I do miss you so much and think of you everyday.Strange how i am so scared time will take you away but your already gone...
Well my dear i thank you for waking me up and sharing our moon with me again.I felt you so close when i saw it.I grabbed your robe and ran outside to look at it and i know you were with me.It was absolutely beautiful.
Please hug my son and our dog for me.I thought about them yesterday too...
I love you more than all our stars.
Love,hugs and lots of kisses,Colleen
Colleen Clark
July 4, 2012
Hi Babe,
How could i not think about you today? America is celebrating it's Independence and you should be celebrating 13 yrs today.On this day 13 yrs ago you and i were on our path to meeting on July 26th.
I am so thankful i had you in my life Ray.Thankful for all the love and respect you showed me in the beginning and for being a gentleman.
I will try to hit a meeting for you today-I could use one myself.
I am in that fight or flight mode and the flight is very powerful right now.
I ran into a old friend of mine yesterday and saw what could have been my life and i am very gratful i made that decision to change my life around.
Well my dear it's going on 3 a.m. and i am tired.I wish we could talk.I love you Ray-more than all our stars and miss you very much.
Love,hugs and many kisses,
~Colleen~
Love,hugs
Colleen Clark
June 29, 2012
Hi Babe,
Where do i begin?I love you.I miss you and if anypne deserves to be here it's you.You were a good man all around.A good friend to all.It's been 14 months and i still cry for you,still ask you to come lay by me or sit by me or put your head in my lap.Look @ your side of the couch and try to remember you laying there.Where ever i go i am reminded of you.I even forgot last week for a moment when i saw soomething i thought you would enjoy.
I'm back to not sleeping now.I think if i do i won't want to get up for days.I called for a appt for counciling and of course i haven't heard from them.No surprise there.
Earlier i felt like just running away somewhere then i started laughing at myself.Why do i need to do that?I'm here alone.So i started watching tv and saw the craziest show.
Have a problem with my stomach lately.I think my ulcer is back.First i thought it was heartburn but then the pain was just as i remembered it.Headaches are lasting for days now.I'm a mess babe...I am trying to hang in there.I have to.The kids have no Dad now and our grandkids no Papa.Thank God Kyndel and Landyn have Gpa Paul.Makes me so sad you are not here.
Justins back @ the mine.Amber is in Missouri and dealing with a heatwave.AND bugs-you know how she is like me when it comes to those.Those bugs down there are so different and freaking her out like they did me.When i see a spider i still want to call"Babe,Come here pls-hurry"instead a squeal and run.
Horrible fire in Colorado and Kathy said they need rain so bad.Everything is catching on fire fast w/wind and dry conditions.
The gkids here are signed up for swimming.Landyn has taken to it.Amber is putting Miah in lessons too-we know how important it was for you.You said I want all our grandkids to know how to swim.Kathys are all good on that.They go to the lake alot in the summer.Well they did.I don't know about now w/that fire.
I wish you could talk to me Ray.I need you.
I love you and am another day closer.
Love,Colleen
Colleen Clark
June 25, 2012
Hi my Love,
Just had a very bad weekend.Things are going to start getting ugly here real soon.
I cried when i had to spend the last big bill you left.I really wanted to keep that money and build on it.Then Amber gave me a little money and i am so embarrassed i had to even take it.So i just checked out Saturday/sunday and slept.
2 women i didn't even know called me "Princess" last week,and i thought If you only knew me you would know i wear this jewelery because a man who loved me bought it for me and i wear it proudly for him.If you only knew i wear his ring under my top and close to my heart because he isn't here anymore to wear it and i like keeping him close to me.
I finally took the 1st step for counciling and am waiting for a call.I'm so hurt,angry and scared and i can't stop the tears.I miss you so much Ray and it still hurts very much.I am so tired of being alone and just want to be happy somehow.How i would love to forget about all this for a day.But i can't.If i'm ever going to do what i need to do to get outta here i need help getting me together first.And Social Security needs to come thru.This place is paid up so that's a plus but i cannot financially be ok if i stayed.My mind is twirling and i feel so lost right now Ray.I still can't grasp how we were happy one day and then your gone just like that.
I love you and wish you were with us so much.There's no one else like you.
Love,Colleen
Colleen Clark
June 18, 2012
Hey Baby,
This time 11 yrs ago we were on our way to Reno.When we arrived we had to find a place to stay and you got us a penthouse in a casino.It was so beautiful and huge.We tried getting married that night only to find out we had to wait til the next day.So i got very sleepy and you were raring to go-nerves i'm sure.Even though you wanted to get married in Dutch but i wasn't ready to jump in.I figured we would always be together married or not but i sure didn't pass up the 2nd time you asked!We were on vacation in Pendleton and you said Reno wasn't that far away if i wanted to marry you.I had us at the travel agents office within a 1/2 hr! I love you and miss you Ray.
I know i am starting to back track again.I have done nothing but sit in here and eat.Gained so much weight in last 2 wks.Takes everything i have to try and go out.I was doing good for awhile there.
Loving you,
Colleen
Colleen Clark
June 17, 2012
Wishing you were here today as everyone is celebrating Fathers Day.
Justin called earlier.Reminded me of every yr he would call to wish you a Happy Fathers Day.
Pls let my Dad & Pops know I said Happy Fathers Day and hugs for all.
I love you Ray,
Colleen
Colleen Clark
June 16, 2012
Hello Baby,
Been thinking alot about you.I always do.I think it's due to what should be our anniversary coming up this week.I miss you so much it hurts.Still have my headache.I am guessing it's due to stress.You would think i would be use to it by now.
Last year you couldn't keep me out of the house because i didn't want to look at reminders of you and face the truth.Now i don't really leave this place that much.I try to but talk myself out of it.Haven't done much to this place either.So i'm guessing i need to talk to my Dr about some kind of grief counciling and change the meds-they are not helping at all.Never did but i just didn't care.
Summer is in full swing now.Been a little wet this year but nice.Love when i do get out seeing families getting out and having fun.Thinkng of all the memories they will make.
Well my love the light on this screen is making my head hurt worse so i'm cutting this short.I miss you so much Ray.I love you more than all our stars.
Love always,Colleen
Colleen Clark
June 14, 2012
Wow,I came here today expecting this to be gone...We have such a wonderful son.Our girls are also wonderful.Put a smile on my face.
The sun is shining and i hope it continues to do so.Been very wet here so far.
Well now that i can come back i am going to shower and go feel my Rays of sunshine! I love you...I love Justin,Tawni,Kathy and Amber.Pls keep watch over them all and especially Amber and family as they are on their road trip.What memories i have of that road.Of course only 1 time did we get a room but it was always fun.Maybe not for our son as he had to put up w/Tina Turner & Mariah...
Love,Colleen
THANK YOU SON! <3 and huge hugs!,Mom
One for your saws...
Wood
June 13, 2012
Coming home....
Wood
June 13, 2012
Where you loved going to get wood
Wood
June 13, 2012
What you loved doing....
Wood
June 13, 2012
Our Baby who is now right beside you where she always was...
Baby Clark
June 13, 2012
colleen Clark
June 13, 2012
Well Baby this is my last post to you on here.Know i will always love you and i still ask you for advise.Somehow i get your answer.I am doing the best i can right now and it isn't easy but i am.Has it got easier-Yes at times.I don't know where life will take me next.Kinda like my life w/you.What a adventure it was.From the bottom of my heart-my whole heart i thank you so much for loving me Ray.You may have seemed a lil tough to some but i knew living with you how much you truly loved me.How you would be so loving and thoughtful w/surprises and how you loved laughing w/me.Times when i would laugh at something and couldn't stop and next thing i knew you couldn't either.Of course you were laughing @ me.I know i'll never find another love like ours and that makes me sad.You knew everything and still loved me for me.Stay by me please.I still need you.At times i feel so alone.I'm scared because i don't know what to do next.I have done what i can and am running out of time.Kinda threw myself in a so what phase.But that won't make it go away.May make me go away but not the problem.
Amber and her family are hitting our Hwy(Alcan) so watch over them pls.Watch over all our kids.
I will always love you more than all our stars.What a life we had huh baby?!I miss you as much too.
I am getting closer now so be ready and don't you dare be late picking me up!I still look for you after i'm done shopping and when i hear a diesel my heart skips a beat.
Forever yours,Mrs.Colleen Clark
To Julie:
Thank you so much for keeping this up longer.It was helpful to me and so kind of you to do so.I hope all is going well for you and enjoying the trip-sorry i missed you.
Love always,Colleen
Colleen Clark
June 4, 2012
If i had only knew that morning when you left you were taking so much of my life with you i would have went...I love u Ray and am so thankful i had you as long as i did but it wasn't enough for me...i still want and need you baby...
Thank you my love..
yohttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ih1945e4q7I&feature=related
Colleen Clark
May 21, 2012
Lol,Hi Babe,
Was (trying) to read my last post.I was on my phone and it's hard scrolling up/down looking for mistakes so i just hoped it came out ok.Apparently not.
I for some reason or another thought this was expired until Tawni told me.I know,I know-"That's my wife"Only me ...
I'm back home now and wanted to get out today but my body had other ideas.Same old physical problems bothering me today so i'm stuck here.It has been beautiful everyday i've been back.This time last yr i was not sleeping(which i learned to on the trip!)and i was out EARLY and walked all day just so i didn't have to see what was your life around me everyday.
The trip was amazing but i don't need to tell you that-i felt you every time i called for you.I seriously feel you behind me when i ask you to lay by me.I feel you grabbing my right knee and leg still at times.Knowing full well it was ticklish.And at times when i think of all the kisses we shared my breath gets shallow like it did when you kissed me-thank you.Through this trip i came so far babe.I hope you are proud.I really do understand when people say"he would want you to" what that means and how you would feel and yes you would want me happy-you always did.
So i'm ready to take on the world again and enjoy life.I've made a list,mostly mental,of things i want to do and hope things go thru so i can jump start my life again.The 2 wks i had in Anchorage were great too.Seeing Mom was great for both of us.I can talk to her about anything and we either laugh or cry cuz you and Pops and Dad are all together.
Spent the day w/Tawni and gkids on Saturday.I had so much fun.Really enjoyed that time.I shut down this winter and didn't want to even go on so i am very thankful to Justin for getting a ticket and for him and Kathy TELLING me i AM GOING!Thankful i reconnected with all our family.I know you are proud of them.I always worried about them getting too far away-or us and you always assured me i was Mom and they would be there.You are/were so right.
Well my Ray of sunshine...I am getting even closer now so try and be patient and hug my son Shawn for me-was 7 yrs yesterday since he left and i miss my boy so much too.Darn,if it's not you,it's him pulling at my heart.Wish to God i could have a redo...
Ok,i'm off here.I love you more than all our stars.
Love,Colleen
Colleen Clark
May 10, 2012
Hello my love,been awhile due to my traveling.I assure you i thought of you at least twenty timesa day.EVevrything i do o see takes me to you.Today i really miss you.i guess it hit me when i get home its you and me.I never mined that before things happened but it is very hard on me emotionally with out you.after this trip i realized how people need people to go on or yo get stuck in what was and i wasnt ready to let g of what we had.that was our lfe for a long time and i was happy living in it.i have a feeling ill be single for awhile.Things changed.men n time have changed but mainly i did.i dont have patience or time for games.someone tryin to control me,sayin i should be over you that as a Big mistake.never tell me how to feel about my son or you! i realy is you my bestfriend.We shared eveything.I can remember only three big fights. Yes there were times when you came hm upset but i learned to let those roll.heck,i miss those times too.i know how much you loved me.you were very good to me.Tough knowing what i had and wanting it all again.ill settle for just fun for now.i now need to find a computer with a printer.i am going to print all the pages.Hoping to find one before the fourteeth .i love you Ray...more than all our stars.my handsome fella,my ray of sunshine.The man who was true to me n made me feel so loved.
Colleen Clark
April 28, 2012
Hi Baby,What a trip i had! I'm sure you were there and smiling.It was a huge relief to me.And i felt better til i thought of having to walk back in here.i did shed some tears and i always will but i think i'm ready and i hope to the high heavens you are ok w/that.I love you w/my whole heart Ray.I don't think i could EVER find anyone as great as you,but i don't want to be this way anymore either and living w/all our BEAUTIFUL memories 24/7 is killing me.I let go in Denver and guess what-i had fun! I know you were smiling as i was on the Harley -was soooo free feeling!I'm staying up here to get this place ready and then i'll move sometime this summer..To much for me to handle emotionally and can't "move on" like that-i hate that "move on"sounds like i'm leaving you...you will always be in my heart more than anyone will ever know or understand-thats some big shoes to fill and don't think they can be Sunshine!
What a mess i came home to-no heat and it was freezing.Thanks to you i built a fire after i gathered wood outside.Ran outta heating fuel when i was gone-knew i would.I looked around and i was practically living like a homeless person-i gave up but i'm back now.I need to clean but am taking the day off and going out!-that same thing that got you is still alive and ready-scared as all heck but willing to try...won't be easy for me or kids-i never want to ever hurt them so we'll see, but i hope YOU and them understand.There is ONLY one you i know that.Not like im running out right now but i don't like being alone and i want to enjoy what time i do have-do things i haven't yet- redo some things i did ;) but don't you dare be late when it's my time either!Everytime i look to the sky at night-it's ours and in the day when the sun is shining-it's you smiling....I love you-always have.
Colleen Clark
April 24, 2012
Hi Babe,
Are you seeing what i'm seeing?I guess after 1 yr these men think it's ok.I'm still crying over you.Miss you so much.The thought of someone else scares me anyway-what if it happened again?I can't do that.Yes,it would be nice to share life w/a man but it maybe for the wrong reason.Have i told you i hate getting old?!! You have been my best friend.You knew everything good and bad about me and still you loved me and accepted me as i was.
After this last one i went to go lay down w/your picture and saw you smiling at me.I could only imagine what you would be saying and i would probably laugh w/you.I wish i could have held onto you forever in that dream the other night and i keep waiting for you again.
Well my love i am a lil tired from this heat-i can't even tan now for some odd reason-dry mtn heat i guess.Feels like a T-Storm brewing close though.So comehang out w/me and i'll talk your cute lil ear off.
Love,Colleen
Colleen Clark
April 23, 2012
Hi Babe,
Like a living nightmare i can't help but think of this day last yr and everything i can remember since.It was just you and me and i was sleeping and holding your hand.20 more mins to go and it's on to yr two.
It hurts so bad Ray.I've tried to be strong lately but it's just like i keep reliving this and it hurts so darn bad....
I wish i just got you outta there and suffered the consiquinces.I'm sorry....I suffer them everyday now anyway.
Strange,tears keep coming outta my left eye even when i stop crying...
I LOVE YOU.....I can't wait to see you again.You were so special and still are.
Love,
your wife,Colleen
P.S.
Saw the headstone today-i cried.You know me,everything today has made me cry.Like any progress i made is gone.I feel so lost again.Anyway,i hope you like it...
Colleen Clark
April 23, 2012
Hello my handsome Ray,This is the day i have been dreading.Now what?I count the days til next yr?Right now i am of course sad.
I finally had a dream w/you.We were at the beach 1 minute and i couldn't believe you were there and i couldn't let go of you i just kept hugging you and holding your hand and touching you.I was so happy to be with you.Then we were in the water and i heard people screaming.I turned around and saw a big Tsunami coming and i told you i was so scared and i loved you.We started swimming and you finally said "You will be fine and everything will be ok"I got to shore and you were gone.I woke up and looked for you.Wishing i was holding you still.I wished i could have stayed in that dream w/you.
Well Ray it's a beautiful day today.Suppose to be in 80's.Kids/gkids are gone to wk/school.So i guess it's just you and me today.I love you so much.I saw Kathys neighbor taking her husband for a walk in a wheelchair last night.I get so sad when i see old couples like that cuz that was suppose to be us.I'm scared now because i no longer have you to hold me and you showed me what real love felt like.I miss your smile as you are telling a joke or story or when you tease me or just that look you would give me.I remember being in that hospital rm and wishing i could fall asleep and go w/you.I knew when everyone left you were going to also.I asked you to pls go when i fall asleep and then something woke me up-i was still holding your hand and my head on your bed.I looked at you and knew right away and was in shock from then on til i let myself feel it.Or i just block it out but this winter i found it hard to do that.Still have a hard time with my memory for certain dates or time frames.Simple things.
Well my dear husband it has been a struggle for sure.I fight daily about you/me.Something clicked w/you not wanting me to be sad all the time.I didn't care or get it before but after that dream i looked back at us and you.I know you don't want me to be sad.I know it hurt you when you couldn't help me when i was sad.I do remember a talk we had but i thought we would be old together so it didn't matter at the time.I just find it hard to let go and try again.You still have my heart.Besides it's a whole new world out there and after being with you and knowing what love is suppose to be like.I know i don't like being lonely but i don't want any more heartache either.To lose a spouse is like cutting out 1/2 my heart.The other half just hurts from the cut.and is scared.
I love you my Ray of Sunshine.I always did-ALWAYS.Well i better get off here cuz here come the tears and as much as i love you i don't want to sit here all day crying.So come walk with me.I guess i can say i am a year closer now.
I really hope you come visit me in my dream again.I'll be looking at our stars and moon tonight.Oh my Ray...you had my heart from that first smile.Guess what?In the beginning I always had a lighter .i just liked it when you wanted to light my cigarette so i could hold your hand while you did it. ;) I do love you.What you still do to my heart-it shouldn't have been your time cuz our time had so many more things in store.
Probably get on again later-Miss you =(
Colleen Clark
Colleen Clark
April 19, 2012
Hello my handsome fella,Little did i know a year ago this would be our last full day together.At times it feels like i'm going crazy.I know i say this alot but it's the truth-I MISS YOU SO MUCH still.I have all these things to do when i get home.I feel good about accomplishing them right now and i hope to continue and do them when i get there.Get that place livable again.I really gave up this winter and do feel better at this time.Will it last?I don't know but i hope so.I think with the sun and warm weather it may.I just hope i don't run away like i did last yr.I have to face this and at least try to keep putting 1 foot in front of the other.Or i'll be stuck in this place til i make a change.You are worth every tear that has fallen but i am getting no where doing that all the time.So if i do better pls don't think it's because i don't love you anymore.I've never had my heart hurt by any man this much,and i'm not saying it's your fault at all.You would be here if you could...
They admitted Mom early this morning after running tests all night.So pls check in on her.Kinda scares me her being in there this time of year.Her being in there period.So i may have to change my plans and leave early.
I love you and i now need to go workout so come watch and get a good laugh my love.
Forever yours,Colleen
Colleen Clark
April 17, 2012
Day 359 and I love you as much if not more if thats even possible.I felt you in the room last 2 days and thought i felt you right behind me.I still think how could this have happened to you.I'll never understand.Anyway i miss you.I wish i could have the peace you now have.I do have good moments and it has been a lil easier here but i keep the sadness to myself.I don't like for people to feel uncomfortable so i wait til it's just you,me and all our memories.This is just not right but nothing i can do or have tried to do has made it right.I hope i can keep it together when i get back home.I will try my best.I can hear you telling me "You know you should to get that done."
Well my handsome fella if you are hanging out here pls hug me-i miss that.
I love you Ray.
Always,Colleen
Mrs,Colleen Clark
April 11, 2012
Wish you were here to wish Happy Birthday to.Just read Tawnis letter and of course i failed.I can hear you saying"Please don't cry"and i'm sorry but i miss you and it's so darn hard to try and go on BUT i am hopefully making progress here.TToday was very touch and go,I tried to keep busy on this computer.Went thru a tornado warning alone-i'm sure you were there when the thunder/lightning/rain/wind was so loud above and around me.
We were home right now this time last yr.after a day of shopping and eating out.
I'm scared Ray.I have to get busy and get ready to move as soon as i get home.Don't know where i'm going yet.I don't want to be a burden to anyone so if u can pls help guide me.I am grateful i made it as long as i did.Of course now i'm getting letters from that hospital bill-apparently my money or lack of it isn't enough.Now i know it's not cuz i had to quit sending any.I am waiting to hear from Don Young and hope he can clear this up once and for all-i don't owe it!IHS should have covered it.On the bright side if they throw me in jail i'll have a roof over my head!ok,i was being funny but this situation is anything but funny.When it rains it pours.About now i'm thinking it was easier when i didn't care.
I love you my Ray Ray.I sleep w/your picture on a pillow next to me.Wish i could dream of you.Doc said my brain is in denial-go figure!A defense from trauma.Wish that was 24/7...but if it meant forgetting you i'll suffer til it's my time.Please don't be late coming to get me.When i shop i always look for you outside still(FBKS)I look for you everywhere and i always think i see you.
Was happy to hear about the gkids and swimming.I know how important that was to you.And our princess Kyndel-i'm glad you were there.
Time for me to go lay down now but i miss and love you more than the stars.I'll bake your cake when i get home.
Loving you always,
Colleen
Tawni (Clark)Holtzman
April 10, 2012
Dad~
Happy Birthday, 4/11 is already upon us. I can't believe this day has come and you are not here. It still seems like yesterday that you left us for another journey. I have come across something I got in the mail that seems to have an important message in it of what you are telling us......
"Please Don't Cry"
Please don't cry because I'm gone for I am just "away" I did not die and never will. I'm with you everyday. Its true that I have left the earth and live in spirit here. With peace and love I can't explain I'm happy, so I have no fear. Who I was, I still am now even better than before. Heaven holds such beauty here with mountains, trees and more. Please don't cry, just speak of me the way you used to do. Make our memories happy ones that hug and comfort you. Remember me with happiness. Don't grieve because I'm gone in Heaven, I am growing still and my life continues on. Please don't cry because I share all you say and do in every moment of every day. My love is with you, too.
I am trying to just to hold onto all the great memories, but it is hard especially with your birthday here and you leaving us almost 1 year ago. I truly am in disbelief some days that this is reality. Yesterday you were so much in my presence at the pool, I could feel the warmth and your great big smile when Kyndel walked up with the swim team coach to tell me he would like her on the team. She had a smile from ear to ear and it was like you were standing beside her. She was filled with so much excitement. Landyn started swim lessons now and was scared at first and then all of a sudden he just jumped in. He's now always the last one out. He loves it and of course no fear......reminds me of someone!
Well I love you and like you always said "It's not good-bye it's Toodle-do". I love you Dad with all my heart and always will.....
Colleen Clark
April 9, 2012
Hi Sunshine,Just finished up w/a appt and as my luck or lack of it goes i was told it could take 2 yrs...so when i get home its time to get out asap cuz i'm at the end of what i can do.I'm worried for sure now about whats next-better not to go there right now i guess.Thank goodness i lasted this long.My case says i filed in Dec-i started all this last April so again it's not how i thought it would be.Just ONCE i would like something to go right-WHY???
2 more days til what should have been a day for celebrating.OOh my Ray-what you still do to me and my heart.I love you.It's quiet here right now.Everyone is either in school or working.Wind is very chilly here too.The afternoons are nice and warm though.I was watching our stars and hoping to see a shooting star last night-maybe on your bday.The moon is amazing here-it looks so much bigger.Due to the elevation i'm sure.
I miss you so much but as usual i'm another day closer.I love you Ray.Thank you for sharing 12 yrs of your life.Wish it could have been more but i'm thankful for those.Was one heck of a journey with you Ray and i enjoyed it.I hope you did too.
Guess its time to shower now so til next time-i love you more than all the stars!
Colleen
Colleen Clark
April 8, 2012
Happy Easter my sweetie.Been thinking about you almost all day.I should be happy i'm running out of holidays-that means i'm getting closer to you.Of course thats not how it works for me.It feels like your getting so far away now and i don't want that date(days apr 20-23) to come.I know i'll be reliving them all over ag
ain.Kathy's vacation ends today so it's me here all alone til next weekend.Been very nice here except when the wind kicks up-very cold!
We had a nice dinner today.In your honor i made fruit salad and potato salad.Wish you were here so bad Ray.I was doing so well and now it's back to thinking TOO MUCH.I put bunny ears on the picture of you and i.
Well my dear remind me to call the office so i can get space paid.I feel so bad about that.Never have i been late and i think she charges for every day i am late.Maybe since i pay extra every month she'll let me slide.I also have a appt tomarrow so cross your fingers babe.This really needs to go thru or i'm in deep trouble.Well what ever happens -it happens.I love you my sunshine.The moon is so beautiful here at night.I can't help but think of how much you would love it as i look at it every night.Looks bigger here too.
Ok my love i'm going to go get a slice of my fruit tart(yes,our favorite)and a cup of coffee.I love you more than all the stars baby!Til next time,w/love,hugs and kisses,your wife,
Colleen
Mrs Colleen Clark
April 6, 2012
What a difference a day makes.It's been one of those times where i miss you so bad but holding it together.I have tears come out without any notice...Easter is this weekend.I bought Easter cards before i left and was going to mail them from Denver.Sadly i forgot all about them so they will be late.I also found my check for space rent.Well whats done is done(or not done) and all i can do is try and make it right.Was thinking a year ago i had you and was able to touch you and hear you.Was also wishing there was a phone there so i could hear your voice.
Before i left town i looked at the airport and remembered all the times you dropped me off or picked me up.I would get so excited as the plane landed just knowing i was going to be with you again and how you would be there waiting for me.How we smiled at each other and shared a kiss.I couldn't wait to come home to you.This trip back there will be different for sure.Hopefully i will be so tired and be able to just go on home and things will be ok.I hope so.Silly for me to worry about that now anyway.Well my handsome fella i sure miss you so so so much today.Til next time,
Loving you always,Colleen
Colleen Clark
April 5, 2012
Hi my handsome fella,I wanted to stop by and let you know i love you.I'm in Denver and doing ok.Every night i look up to our stars and moon-when it's clear enough too-and i know where ever you are we are both looking at our stars and wishing we could be dong it like we use to.Of course it snowed down here a couple days ago,but the temps are going back up.It was 84 the other day.I bought a pair of cheetah print heels and couldn't help but think of what you would say ;)
I am going to have a fine mess to come home to.I gave up this winter and just wanted to be by you.I got out of there at the right time.The snow should be gone when i return and i hope the neighbors don't get to upset w/me -i didn't get around to getting all the trash to the dumpster.It got too cold and i didnt want to haul it there-didn't care about anything at all.I am coming home with a better attitude.My life will never change unless i change it and i am ready.Don't get me wrong-my love for you is there.I can't change what happened but i can change the way i gave up and choose to live for me and the kids/gkids.So many more memories to make-so many to share that we made.Like i use to tell the kids-you can have a good day or a bad day.The choice is yours.It won't always be good-my life go smooth??not! but thats life and its up to me to go with it and change what i can.I know how good it can be.I had it all.Everything that is important i had.Life IS too short to not be happy and getting shorter everyday.So i am enjoying this time w/family.Been too long since i saw Kathy.
Well my sunshine it's another day closer to you and i will try to be happy for us both.Stay close.I love you and miss you more than all our stars....Mrs.Colleen Clark
Colleen Clark
March 26, 2012
Hello my handsome,
I watched a movie last night i saw somethime last yr. (P.S. I love you.)And it occured to me how much i was just like her in the beginning but i didnt move on.Strange seeing her do 2 cups coffee,the house =/ and wearing your clothes.Then somethingthing,a "feeling", hit me like never before.I have heard alot how you would want me to go on.I had a problem with that.I have felt so much guilt and didn't want to live and enjoy anything or anyone without you-the guilt was too much but i know now I can't change anything about you or the outcome-your story is written.Does it make me feel better.no,i still miss everything about you and all the memories we had.I would not change anything but the end.And i don't have that power to do so it's time i TRY to do had i learned at the same time i met you and not forget the past but be in the present.Will it be easy-NO! especially from your bday and those 3 days.I need to forgive myself and be who you would want me to be and give all our gkids the love and hugs you can't.I know i haven't done that at all-i didn't want to do anything but run.I'm tired now and it's time to start living my life.I' think i will throw myself in fixing this place when i get home.Thank goodness we looked at all those "For Dummies" books at Home Depot!How we laughed-well that one came back to bite me.You wanted it done and i will do my best.I will try to live for you and me now instead of trying to stay with you all alone in here.I could hear you screaming at me(in my head), but you know your "inside voice" was a better approach.
I woke to the tv on a music channel-i never watch that channel.Still keep it on 24/7 cuz it's too quiet.But i guess it's time to Get this party started so stay by my side cuz i still need you to protect me and be by me-by us all.I love you and i always will my Ray of sunshine.I will do the best i can for now-anything is a improvement.
Forever in my heart,
Mrs.Colleen Clark
Colleen Clark
March 24, 2012
Cody made it home from Afganistan today.I looked at the pictures and was happy he made it safely.I prayed so much for him this last yr.I really feel like anything i have ever prayed for never gets heard so i'm glad he's home and safe.When i didn't care life was so much smoother.Seems we always had a cloud over us.Not between our relationship-just life in general.Nothing went smoothly.Betty broke down and i was thinking of the relief she felt knowing he was home.Being able to see him.I'm happy they are all together now.Thats one thing on the list checked off.Now they can begin a life together again as a family. =) Amber looked very happy.
I'm suppose to be getting ready to go but you know me.I do need to get the laundry done because it's already high 70's there.I'm hoping i'll be able to fit in any of my capris.Thats why i was suppose to go out today.Look for back-ups.Oh well.
I still find myself looking for you Ray.Every movie has something to do w/us.Last night it was a widower who met this gal-and he still had so much of his wife w/him and in his life.He left everything the way it was.Showed his wifes slippers and reminded me of you and how i keep your flipflops and boots where you left them.Ended up me liking the new woman but he didn't make it-his love for his wife was too strong and he drowned himself.Hoping when i come home i'll spring clean and get all these boxes squared away.Now i just really don't care and i haven't in a long time.So here's hoping that the sunshine refreshes my mind and i come home in a better frame of mind-at least care about something.I'm so scared i'll come back and go right back to what is...now.I wish you could just kick me-talk to me.Hold me.
I looked out the window today as i made coffee-snow.Coldest March in 40 yrs.See, it's that cloud over my head again.
Well my handsome fella i slept a hr last night so i think i'll take a nap.I love you Ray.Miss you more than all the stars.I still love you more than all of our stars. =0)
Forever yours,Colleen
Colleen Clark
March 22, 2012
It's getting very close to going now and i find myself fighting it at times.Has nothing to do with our kids.I miss them all.If i do come home and back to this i am going to need more than a "happy pill" they don't work anyway.I don't know why i bother taking them.I can't go on like this.I'm hanging on the edge at times.I'm so scared of going to Denver and breaking down like i do here at least 10 times a day.People think i should be "better" by now.I wonder if they ever had a child "go away" and/or a husband kiss them and tell them they loved them and they waited for him to come home,but he never did-someone you knew without a doubt you were going to grow old with and they just get ripped out of your life.Or not being able to see you with your eyes open looking at me so i knew for sure you did hear me.
Every day with you i was happy to be with you-thru good and bad because i knew we were stong and it would pass.I learned to let things go and let them fall where they may.Where you were ...oh my Ray.. you were so passionate about life.
When i get that wierd feeling go thru my heart-is it you?In the beginning i got a warm feeling go thru me and i thought it was you-was it?Now it's a cold feeling go all thru me-you?Or am i just kidding myself.Your memory has such a powerful hold on me.Maybe it should make me happy and it does but not for very long and i break.Why do i see people go through this and they hold it together better?Or do they?I love you and i'm not young anymore.You were my life.Kids were grown and i gave you my all gladly.We laughed together and shared something that was strong.I look at your picture everyday .And the kind of man you were and I tell you i still can't believe you are gone.And the longer you are gone the more i feel myself falling and can't find anything to hold onto.
So wish me luck and hope i can keep myself together.The only people who saw me lose it was when Tawni came over w/Julie and gkids.And Amber.They all have enough to worry about.When i talk to Amber i lose it alot but i try noot to.go...Ok,maybe Chuck and Jerry on the phone heard me.None of them need this.I'm suppose to be the strong one.This is so not me.I taught my girls to be tough and stand up for themselves.I've hurt over men before.But bounced back pretty fast.Course they were NOTHING like you.
Well once again i have gone on too long-Why i tell you this is beyond me.Not like you answer.Guess its just my way of hoping you know i love you and miss you so darn much-will it always be this way?Will i ever be truly happy again? I really REALLY hope so.And who ever has the job of editing these i apoligize.
Love,Colleen
Colleen Clark
March 20, 2012
Hey there Sunshine,It's 22 days before what should have been your birthday.In a way in feels like forever especially being here so much this winter.And it also makes me think where did the yr go?Really?? and what happened this yr??
I am going to see Kathy and kids thanks to Justin.You would be so proud of them all Ray-I know you are.You always were so proud of them.I saw it in you and heard it in your voice when you would talk about them to people.Or even to them.
I am struggling in alot of ways but with these dates coming up & you not being here is by far the worst.The kids wanted me to go to Denver so i wouldn't be here during "that time"I am happy to see them cuz it's been awhile.I am worried how i will be.I don't want to ruin this trip and the closer i get to going the harder it is thinking for some wierd reason I am leaving you and this cocoon i built around me this winter.I get out the beginning of the month to get bills paid and run to the store and maybe another store run.Went from running away from here everyday(it was warm)last summer to not wanting to leave now.So i am hoping this time i can make some progress and do better when i get home.Right now it's like it just happened again or something-i don't know.I am a mess.Happy,sad and mad all in 30 seconds and back to wanting you back home.I do get on FB and try to communicate that way.Gets my mind elsewhere.Found alot of ppl i knew.Lol,you always said how good you were doing as far as grey hair and looking at my friends-you are so right.Now i can say that cuz mine have tripled since you left.You use to tease me that i was the cause of yours.I tell you i love and miss you at least 50 times a day-I hope you hear me and i wish i could hear you.I just want to understand why?You loved life and wasn't one to sit for long.You were such a good man and a great husband.I'm no good w/o you Ray.You gave me 12 good years and when you left alot of me went with you.I want to -heck i don't really know what i want.Really,I've never been this confused or torn my whole life.Funny coming from a "tough girl" that did turn soft when i met you.What you do to me Ray...even that far away and you still have me.I love you.
Colleen Clark
March 18, 2012
God help me I still find it hard to believe that you are gone...I don't know why i wait for you.I wish so bad that is isn't real.
Mrs.Colleen Clark
March 17, 2012
Hello my Ray of sunshine,
Just watched Legends of the Fall.Figured thats what we would watch if you were here.How many times have we seen it before.
A year ago today you went on your last road trip and how i wish i would have went w/you.I wasn't crazy about the hwy in winter but i always trusted you.
Seems the closer i get to that day the more i feel so anxious...so many feelings.47 weeks today you have been gone.I touch your picture everyday and say "Hello my handsome fella" Do you feel me?I wish I wish I WISH!!
Much love to you,
Colleen (woman as you at times called me)
Mrs.Colleen Clark
March 16, 2012
Happy St.Patricks Day,
I got a text telling me the Northern lights were out in Anchorage so i looked out our window and didn't see them.I wert to your couch and looked out that window and there they were.I automatically turned my head to the door and could hear you saying"Hon,Come out here -quick or you'll miss them" you did that many times so we could enjoy them together.Miss those times with you.Such a romantic...
I was watching Americas Most Wanted and there are so many scary men out there.I feel i will always be single after seeing that.I was lucky to have found you and we started on a clean slate.Well my babe i just wanted to tell you about the Northern Lights so i love you and miss you very much.
Colleen
Colleen Clark
March 16, 2012
Hello my Ray of sunshine,
Tomarrow will be 47 wks you have been gone.
I talk to you evreyday-all the time.I wonder if you hear me,and if so why do i feel the need to write to you?
I see you out of the corner of my eye and when i turn you are gone, you are here but you are not.
Do you know how much we miss you?Can you see the hurt.Feel it?Most of all can you feel my love for you?Our love for you?
I miss you Ray.My heart is still so full of sadness of you not being here.How i am to start again is beyond me.I know being here with all our memories was too much this winter.I felt you and i heard you.I know what you would be telling me.I just don't know where that is.And leaving this place is easier said than done.So for now i will travel when possible and hope to find happiness inside and out.I just don't want to let go of you.Of us...
On a lighter note tomarrow is St.Patricks Day and i won't have my green on.I love you.Thru richer-poorer,sickness and health,good times and bad.I always have and still do.
Your wife,Colleen
Mrs.Colleen Clark
March 15, 2012
Hello my handsome fella,I never made it out yet.I was doing so good on getting things done right after things happened but i think this winter was just too long and still so cold.I will make it tomarrow. =0) Need to look around for some computer paper to copy these on before see Kathy.I found some paper i am buying for what i don't know yet-pics i believe.It has sheets of tools,firewood,and other things that are....were so you.Incase you missed it today i woke up drank coffee and saw the sun shining so i looked at the temp and it said 50 ABOVE 0.I got so excited and tried to hurry and get out of here.Then my common sense took over(YES,I do have some!)and i turned the channel to weather.It said it was 9 above 0.After that i didn't care about going out even though i should have.I need to get serious about dropping a few pounds before i leave.Staying home and not walking has not done this body any good.My goal is to get back where i was before/when i met you.Well my sunshine i do miss you everyday.Not a day goes by (hardly a minute) i don't think of you.I love you Ray.I MISS YOU!!!
Love,Colleen
Colleen Clark
March 14, 2012
Hi my handsome,I thought about you most of yesterday.Was one of"those" days.Funny how i think i am getting somewhere and BOOM!I am right back at the start again.I just REALLY miss you and thinking about living without you makes me lonely and miss you that much more.Feels like the more i try to "be happy" my mood swings are that much worse.I know i have to keep trying but it's so hard when it hits.I go spiraling down harder.I just want to be held so bad at times.I want to hear your voice at times.I want us on a road trip.I try not to go to those places because i know what will happen next.I guess i am destined to be alone the rest of my life.Now to figure out where that will be.I will keep trying cuz i do want to be happy and enjoy my life.Not getting any younger.That is messing with my head too.Getting older and not feeling this next birthday at all.Was thinking about you at this time last year and how you were planning on going to Anchorage to pick up your utility trailer.Ended up going on St.Patricks day-3 days from now.I am running out of holidays of your last year.Just 1 more (your birthday)and then we are onto a yr that you have been gone.All in all i have to say i didn't do so good mourning you but really there is NO GOOD way.i did stay home as much as possible.Now it's time i come out of my cocoon and spread my wings.Probably fall on my face but i'll get right back up.It scares me not knowing what road i'm on now.With you i knew.Now it's like i'm on a road alone and without a GPS and trying to find the Wizard of Oz and find my way home.Already lost my Toto.Time to click my heels 3 times and figure out i had the power all along.=) Guess i better finish the laundry so i can finish bills today.I love you Ray,Colleen
Colleen Clark
March 9, 2012
Hello my handsome husband,Have i told you i love you lately?Everyday and all the time!You would be so proud of me.I have had alot of problems here at home and the worst by far was the plumbing,but after alot of hrs of screaming in frustration and trying to figure out how to fix it correctly-I did it!It has been snowing here so much lately.I finally went out yesterday to get a few things and i just know you were laughing at me trying to get from the porch to the end of the driveway.So much snow that i couldnt tell exactly how high in areas and fell a few times-LOL!Couldn't even see the steps.Couldn't open the gate all the way.It was a hoot! I was hoping no one saw me.Still snowing but i don't mind getting out there and clearing it.Gives me a reason to get out in the fresh air. Catching up on laundry.I usually don't have alot but i couldn't wash any due to water backing up in the tub and toilet.All i could think of and hear is Alice Cooper singing"Welcome to my nightmare"
Kyndel did her project on Black Capped Chickadees(my favorite bird when i was her age!)She used the book you gave her.Dedicated her project to her Papa!And won a blue ribbon.She now goes to State finals at the end of the month and i believe she will do well.I can see you smiling at her all weekend as she worked on it.It seems i'm no better w/paperwork than you were.I misplaced one i needed so i looked in a drawer and it wouldn't close when i was done so i put my hand in there and a card you gave me last Valentines Day fell into my hands.I went over my name on the envelope with my finger,opened it and read:
"Happy Valentines Day to my Wife
This valentine is a sweet reminder that I love you...not just during the good times,but during the hard times too-just as much as,and maybe even more,than when we first fell in love...
This valentine is my way of saying that I love you,I need you,and want you by my side all the days of my life.Your So Special to Me.Love you-Ray"Little did i know at that time we only had a couple months left together.But it made me feel so good finding this one cuz alot of times i ask you -Wasn't our love strong enough that you could find a way to talk to me?Were you truly happy with me? Do you forgive me if i made the wrong decision?Now i can't help but think it wasn't mine to make and i would give anything if i could turn back time.Believe me Ray it was the hardest thing for me to do.I don't EVER want to do that again.Had to do that w/Shawn too.And it's not just me who misses you.This has hurt so many.I love you Ray.I couldn't have found that card at a better time.You are so Special to me too.I am trying to get better.Found alot of old friends.Still at home alot but baby steps...One day at a time.Have my moments everyday,but when the moon is out it has a calming effect on me.Takes me back to us outside and those precious moments of you either holding me and us looking up at the stars and moon or us sitting on the steps and holding hands looking up.Yes,i was a lucky woman.Loving you always,Colleen
Colleen Clark
March 3, 2012
Hello Honey,Just thought you would like to know i've been thinking about you and Shawn alot lately.If anyone said i would lose my Shawn and become a widow in my 40's i would have told them there crazy.I'll never be the same again-this i know.You gave me something i never had.I hope people know how lucky they are to have what they have-not so much what they think they need but what/who they do have and truly celebrate everyday and be thankful.Make happy memories.In the end thats all you have that matters.I'm getting rid of internet and our home phone probably before i see Kathy.but i'll use my cell to "check in.It's ridiculous to pay all that money out for just me.Prices are up on alot of things now.I don't want pity-I just want my boys back.It's truly more than a heart should go thru to not only lose my husband but my child also.I want my kids to be in a happy place and really love their life.I use to say"Please God,Let me live long enough for them to grow up."My dream was to have you and i with all our kids/gkids by around us.Now you are gone and the kids are getting further away it seems.My family seems to have gotten much smaller and spread out.I don't know if i could ever move from Alaska-thanks to you i kinda got use to small places.Imagine that.I've also takin a liking to your favorite word now and i am surprised myself when it comes out.I'm sure you are laughing at me every time i use it,after all the grief i gave you about it.Anyway it's Justins birthday tomarrow so you know what you have to do for me please.And hug my Shawn too.I love you both and miss you both so much.
Love, your wa wa wife...(You couldn't say that word when we did get married)
Kathy Candelaria
March 3, 2012
It really hurts myheart knowing this has been on here all this time, and I had'nt had access to a computer (won't show on my phone), You were a great man, and loved my Mom dearly...
I Love You & Miss You!! Love Kathy & Kids
You asking we if i'm sure i know where our condo is...(Maui)
Ray Clark
February 29, 2012
Our 1st day on Maui...I love you Ray..
Raymond Clark Jr.
February 29, 2012
Colleen Clark
February 28, 2012
Another day without you.It's almost spring now and almost a year that you had to go.I'm hoping to get it together and see whats in store for me now.I've mourned and have so much grief that i let this place and our family down.I've shut myself in our place all winter w/all our memories.I'm ashamed i shut out our family in the process.They all have tried to help me and even needed me.If i left here i ran back as soon as possible to see your boots w/no laces you used to go smoke,your hats,flip flops,everything.They suggested i leave last year and maybe i should have but i just couldn't let go of our life here.I can't have another year like this i know.I'm scared Ray.Time for me to make my decisions and make those steps to the life that is mine alone now.Was thinking about those last months we had and how you would lay on the couch with your head on my lap and i would look down and you had tears falling.I would wipe them and kiss your forehead.I saw more tears those last months than the whole time we were together and i knew you were hurting inside about people who truly mattered to you and how life was changing.You were losing people and family like i was and it hurt you so much.I never asked whats wrong because of your pride and you loved me enough to share your sadness with me as i did you.I knew how much pain you suffered physically also.I watched you at night many times and wished i could take it all away.Your nightmares and grief and pain.I know from the outside to some you were intimadating but i also know how loving you were inside.I knew of your inner bear and i also know how gentle you were.How you cared about people.Like all the people i met when i met you.I use to call them your harem because they were all women.lol..I looking out my window every night watching you with the night guy drinking real coffee and smoking.Only my Ray could have gotten away with that.How you asked me to sneak out one night-that didn't work and probably for the best because we were both still so shy with each other.We had a goal Ray and WE DID IT!Together,against all the "rules" we did it.I am so happy we took that jump of blind faith and it worked.Thank you Ray for leaving me with a roof over my head,loads of happy times and your love.I still hear you saying"I'm worried how you will make it if something happens to me"I've managed to make it further than i thought i would.Took alot of wise decisions and i always think of you while i make them.I knew how to survive before my love.Now i need to find that person again.I'm older now though so things are different.I need to find that Colleen that loved to laugh,loved to live,be center of attn-maybe not so much...,loved being out w/friends and family.I had a good side.I had a bad side.I think i was attracted to you cuz i saw that bad boy side in your smile.I have alot to do now and pray for the strength to get it done.If i fail after 4-23 its only cuz i love you.And because of that love i will try.I do have happy times too.Times where i laugh out loud at something i am watching and asking you"Remember that?"I stroke your pics -your hair on them and tell you good night or good morning and always "I love you".If i go out i still tell you "Honey,I'm home.Did you miss me?" like i did when you were here.I can still hear you saying"Yes,What did you bring me?"and i would go thru bags to find your surprise...I love you more than any heart should or could and miss you more than all the stars,Colleen (still so proud)Clark
Colleen Clark
February 24, 2012
Hi Babe,Had errands to do so i headed to Fred Meyer to hit up my bank.I was walking on the sidewalk of Fred Meyers and in front of me was that guy who is your twin.It seriously took my breath away.He stopped and pulled a cart to the side so i could pass him and when he looked at me it was strange.Went to the bank and whos beside me-him.I stopped at Starbucks and whos there?Yes,he was..Needed to go to Walmart and ran into him again.And when i saw him smile it was just like yours.Anyway i made it home and had so much anger this time-i beat the couch and just started screaming for you and at you-I am so sorry.I did try and keep today positive.Wish you could just hold me.I miss that so much.On that day 10 months ago i asked you to pls go after i fell asleep because after seeing Shawn and Dad struggle I couldn't bear watching you do that.It was bad enough knowing your fever was so high.I laid my head on your heart 1 more time to hear it-i loved laying there and just listening to it all the time.And kissed you,told you how much i loved you and i would miss you.Held your hand and laid my head on your bed and fell asleep.Since then i feel bad i wasn't awake and talking to you til the end.I just hope you know i was there.Well i can't do much about that now.We did have a good life right?Yes,we had the highest of the highs and had our lows,but we promised no matter what we would always stay together.I'm glad we could and did.Spring is right around the corner now.My choices of places to move has decreased.Maybe i'll get that gypsy thing you had and end up somewhere different?Doubt that...Well my love its another day now so i am getting closer to you!Please never be to far from me Ray.I love you.Colleen P.S. The 25th is Moms Bday so drop by =)
Colleen Clark
February 23, 2012
Hello my Sunshine,Today is month 10 that you have been gone.Nothing much has changed except for the date and all the time that has passed.I have new pics of the gkids here and they are precious.All of our gkids are so beautiful.Looked at ones taken w/them and i was so happy to see them but i see no sparkle in my eyes anymore.I know i have let them and the rest of our family down.Honestly i can't get off the couch alot of days.I believe some is due to the winter here because last summer i had to get outta this place daily so i didnt have to face the truth.They say there is 5 stages to grief-i have been thru and still deal w/them.#5 is letting go.Haven't got that one down all the way yet but i'm hoping this trip i can finally get some peace in my heart.I still feel so much like your wife and not a widow.I know you want me happy and i truly am going to try-baby steps?!I have to learn how to be happy again-getting out and being around people would be a great start.When we met my heart was on life support(like now) and you jump started it and shared with me something i never had.I want to take all those happy memories w/me and live w/happiness and not be sad-i truly do.Sitting here all alone isn't getting me anywhere.I pray everyday for strength but i know i have to take those first steps and just keep putting 1 foot in front....easy to write.Still as confused where i want to live.Wish i was more like you as far as that goes.You knew exactly where we were to go and i followed you anywhere.One of our girls remembered how i was before i met you and asked how it was i cried so much.How i use to be a hard-you know what.Yes, i was.Alot happened as you know and i learned humility and honesty with myself.Thank goodness because if i hadn't had those experiences and learned i never would have met you.Or if i did meet you without those we would have never got along.We both learned things and for that i'm grateful.I'm not done learning i guess.I use to try and learn something new everyday-remember?Somedays you were the teacher!I need to get back to that and REALLY try and fill my days w/more positive.Less negitive and sorrow.So with that said instead of being sad today i will try and celebrate all the years you had than the few months you have been gone.Just for today.I'll deal w/tomarrow when i get there.I love you Ray,from that first day we connected but were to shy to say anything to this day i love you.I hope you are always by my side cuz you are one tuff act to follow my love!We did have it all-all that mattered.Now please go check on our family and behave with those angels!Loving you always,Colleen
Colleen Clark
February 18, 2012
Hello Ray,Been a long night.I finaly had to open that envelope from Chugach.I didn't want to cuz i knew what was in there and it's hard for me to look at that certificate still.Thank you for the shares and i will do what we discussed.I watched part of Whitneys funeral but had to stop because i was a hot ,runny nose ,swollen eyed mess.Tina and her got us thru many road trips when we lost radio stations.Tried to listen to your voicemail you left on my phone but it's no longer there.Made me sad and i thought How could i have messed this up too??!Then i saw our wedding video and that made me smile.Now i need to change it to DVD.Remember that day?We didn't care about all the extras including a video-we just wanted to get married in our shorts no less!(elope in Reno)and that lady gave the video to us for free.I am so thankful she did.Still not sleeping that good.Still scared of the dark.Its so quiet here w/o you and if i do doze i wake to a noise and still think its you in the kitchen or in the bathroom til it hits me then i'm up for the night.How i would love to wake 1 time and it be you.I miss your snoring-YES,i do..and hearing you walk up and down the hallway or calling for me to come down there to find you something 3ft away from you.I miss you...everyway and everyday.Its time for a nap now.Hoping i can get a good one in.I love you Ray,Colleen
Tawni (Clark)Holtzman
February 16, 2012
Hey there Dad.....just thinking of you, but that's actually all the time. I really miss you and I'm sure you know all of that, but I guess sometimes it helps to just write it out. I love you and please always be by my side. I really need it...sometimes more than others, but pretty much all the time. I wish this anger that I have would quit coming back so strong at times, but I guess that's just part of this process they call normal grieving, but then again have WE ever done anything normal in this family??? Made myself laugh inside...sounded like you for a moment. I would love to hear your voice. I definitly haven't forgotten it, I just would like to hear it. I love you & miss you and hope to see you in my dreams. Don't really want to see you in person anytime soon. I'm sure you could understand that & appreciate that for what it is. I have to be here to carry on the Clark family tradition right? What ever that might be!!! Love ya & catch ya later. I'll be talken at you soon. XOXO ;)
Colleen Clark
February 14, 2012
Happy Valentines Day.My heart is still full of love for you....Loving you always,Colleen
Colleen Clark
February 9, 2012
Dear Ray,Hello sunshine!I finally went out today and it was beautiful and warm!Actually above 0.Valentines Day is coming up and i promise you i will have only happy thoughts of how you would bring me a bag of Sweethearts instead of choclate cuz you knew i preferred them and the most heartfelt cards or funny ones that were spot on!Of course the beautiful jewelery.How we did little things for each other that made the other know how much we were in love-not only on Valentines day.How we loved going out at night to watch the stars and you would come behind me and hold me and laugh because i always missed the shooting/falling stars.Rubbed my back when it was acting up-I really miss that.How you always held my hand when we were out.So many other little things that really mean so much.I was a lucky woman.Thank you Ray.Justin and Kathy had a talk and she told me "You WILL come to Denver for your bday,Rays bday,and stay until "that day" so Justin purchased my ticket.We have 4 wonderful and loving kids.I don't know what i would do without them.I'm just ashamed that i wasn't stronger for them.Part of me was in denial.That our love was strong enough and you would find a way to come to me.I kept shoving the truth away but finally faced it and i hope i can resume w/whatever is in store for me.Wish i could work-that would keep my mind occupied and feel better about myself.Dr. suggested i volunteer somewhere only as much as i can handle.Maybe i'll try working out and get this ol body toned up.Well my dear i will do my best to make you proud.Life is too short and passing me by.OH! Saw a article on a car w/a woodstove in it and thought of you-made me laugh!I love you and always will.Forever yours,Colleen
Colleen Clark
February 1, 2012
Hi Hon,I think the weather may give me a break for awhile!I hope so-the weatherman says so but hes more wrong than right.Would be nice though.I have learned to appreciate -20.It's the day after day of -35 to -50 that get me.Anyway Justin did a road trip from Idaho to Spokane and back to Idaho-I'm sure you and Baby were right beside him the whole trip.I have learned a few things you taught him and i never knew.Things he would need to know and I thank you.Was worried about him driving due to weather but i found out you taught him how to drive in 2WD in the snow-OUT THE ROAD in Juneau w/our new truck.You told him "There may come a day when you won't have 4WD".I got on here to tell you some other things but i'm drawing a total blank now.Amber and kids made it back from California.They had a good time.Met up w/John.He hasn't seen her since she was a young teenager.Tawni and kids are doing good.I guess you probably know all this.Well my Ol Blue Eyes(I sure miss those) i'll get back on when i remember what else i was going to tell you.Much love to you and many kisses,Colleen
Colleen Clark
January 23, 2012
My Dear husband Ray,So i've somehow managed to make it 9 months w/o you here with me.Every 20-23rd of the month my mind goes on a rampage filled with thoughts of you.On the 23rd it's always of that last day holding your hand and wanting a miricle so bad and thinking how can this be happening?Not wanting to let go of you.When i met you we were so much alike and wanting the same thing.I couldn't have done it w/o you-You got it.Your love and support.We did it together.I gave you my heart and you promised me you would always take good care of it.And you did.I knew from the way you looked at me how much you loved me as i did you.We took vows but i lied to you because i said "Til death do us part".It took a long time to find you and alot of frogs along the way and to finally be at peace and enjoying life only to have it torn from me hurts so much.It still feels so cruel to have you taken so fast.I was once told "Because it's my movie and i'm the star"That isn't so because it wouldn't have been like this.Now i wonder what is next?Will it always be like this?I've been told at some point i have to say goodbye.Well hows that working for me you ask?! How do i let go of us?I thought everyday it would be easier-thats what they tell me.Now i do have good days-i try and see how long i can make it,but you my dear were so strong and the love we shared was as strong.I would love to know how all the women and men who have done it Do It?I'm still on 1 hr at a time-forget the day.I don't want to be like this all the time and God PLEASE help me i'm trying to live again and want so badly to truly laugh again.Maybe it's this place.One thought was"What would Ray do?"Tomarrow will be a better day.I get more emotional on this day.I do talk to you everyday-I just wish you could answer me.If we could only talk one more time.I love you Ray.Rub Babys belly and throw her the ball for me.I miss you both.Colleen
Colleen Clark
January 19, 2012
Tomarrow will be 9 months since you were taken to the hospital.Seems so much longer than that.I was remembering how ticklish you were and how i would start tickling you and how you would smile and laugh and then you would flip me and start on me til i called a truce,and the time we were out hunting mushrooms and you started chasing me,caught me and we started rolling down the hill laughing so hard.We had so much fun together.Seems so long ago.It's been VERY cold this winter.I'll be so happy when it's over.I daydream of defrosting on a beach on Oahu.Anyway i was just thinking of you and our good ol days.I love and miss you,Colleen
Colleen Clark
December 31, 2011
It's New Years Eve day and i remember when 2011 started we were hoping it would be a better year for us.It was going to be a year of change for us.Little did i know how much of a change it would be.It has been the hardest year of my life.I thought when our son Shawn passed away it was hard,but i had you here to lean on for support.My brother,Chuck,came up for a week and it was nice having someone here in the house.I was sad for awhile after he left.Back to a quiet house.I am thankful he came though.I made it almost the whole week without crying.Now i have to make it thru your bday and Apr 20-23rd.You are NEVER any further than my heart.I hope 2012 will bring more happiness and less sadness.My heart can't take anymore grief and i want to make more happy memories-start living again.I won't have you to kiss "Happy New Year" at midnight.I remember a few years i would wake you up to wish you a Happy New Year with a kiss.And how the fireworks would scare our dog Baby.She knew from our hunting trips what happened to 4 legged friends and the fireworks sounded like gunshots.Poor girl would hide in the bathtub or hallway for days.Please rub her belly for me.I miss you both so much.So heres to a New Year and I'll blow your kisses to heaven at midnight.I love you Ray,I always have and always will,Colleen
Colleen Clark
December 25, 2011
P.S.,I have been very good this year and all i want for Christmas is you!I just heard "Vision of Love" and thats what you were to me...and my hero.I love you Ray.....from here to eternity
Colleen Clark
December 25, 2011
Merry Christmas Baby,It's our 1st Christmas w/o you and it seems so strange,but i know your shining down on me from heaven.I hope you did as i asked and went around last night to all our gkids and loved ones and gave them a kiss on the cheek.I had a hard time sleeping last night.Just thought of all the Christmas yrs we were fortunate to celebrate together and what we did.How you and I opened our gifts at midnight-sometimes later ;)Now it feels so lonely but someday we will be together and i can't wait to see your smile,hold your hand and tell you how much i missed you.I love you my Ray of Sunshine.Always and Forever,Colleen
Colleen Clark
December 22, 2011
So it's 2 1/2 days to Christmas and my heart hurts so bad.It's been very hard for me since Thanksgiving and Christmas has been emotionally the worst.I see families together and everyone getting ready and i'm happy they have each other but it makes me miss you even more.I've never felt so alone in all my life.Hope they don't think i'm selfish this yr-i just can't do anything financially or otherwise.We have 2 gsons bdays and i haven't even sent cards.I hoped the grief would be better by now but i just seem to miss you more than ever.When you left alot of my heart went with you.I love you Ray.I look at couples and think of how lucky they are to have each other,to love and be loved.To be able to hear those 3 words and to be able to hold hands.What i would give to have all that back with you.Much love,many hugs&kisses,Colleen
Colleen Clark
December 10, 2011
Hi Honey,It's been awhile.I kinda fell into a funk since Thanksgiving.Haven't felt like going out into the crowds.I've been out 3 times since Thanksgiving.Just came home from the corner store.I passed by the College Mocha stand and the smell reminded me of all the times we stopped there to get them before we went anywhere.I wanted to get one but talked myself out of it.I could hear you telling me"Go ahead babe and get you one"Made me sad.I miss those days.Miss every day i was blessed to spend with you.I'm not doing Christmas this year.I hope everyone understands.I quit decorating after Shawn and Pops passed away.Thought about when we would drive around Christmas eve and look at all the houses decorated.We soon found out Fairbanks didn't do it as much.Probably due to cost of elecricity which is getting even more expensive soon.I have put on alot of weight and i am not happy with it so i am hoping to try and lose some soon.Saw the eclipse last night(4a.m.)It was very cloudy but as soon as i looked up the clouds parted enough for me to see it for a bit then closed back.Been 33 weeks today since you've been gone and i really miss you.I still play the message you left on my phone every now and then.I do try and keep it together but i eventually fail before the days over.I don't want to live the rest of my life like this-I probably will be around for awhile!Thought if i could find friends it would be different but you know me and it's harder when you get older.I was happy to have you-you were my best friend Ray.Anyway i love you and look forward to the day we see each other again.Now i'm smiling just thinking of you and i drinking our Mochas and driving around....I miss you,Love,Colleen
Colleen Clark
November 24, 2011
I just came home from Thanksgiving dinner at Tawnis and it was wonderful.I got to play with the grandkids and we had a wonderful dinner.Only things missing were you and fruit salad.But i kept my promise i made and did all my crying before i went and i really did have a good time.When i got home i cut a big slice of pumpkin pie and ate enough for you and i.You always enjoyed coming home and having a slice of her pumpkin pie when we came home.Well my love i did miss you today but i am another day closer.This year i am not going to the friday sales.That will be different but everything is different now.I love you Ray and i'm going to go eat my piece of pie now.
Colleen Clark
November 23, 2011
My Sweet sweet Ray,It's been 7 months now since you went away.I went shopping so i can make potato salad and it was so hard for me not to buy anything for a fruit salad.Even though i didn't i still went up and down the aisles just to look.I pray for strength tomarrow.It will be good to see Tawni,Jason and our gbabies.I know that is where we would be if you were here.Danny has been gone a year today and my sister is going to have Mom and Kathleen over tomarrow i believe.Still can't believe we both lost our husbands 5 months apart and you both so young.That horrible reaction to the flu shot wasn't enough to take me so i'm guessing i will have to be alone for many years before i see you.Makes me sad but happy that i have the kids and gkids.Just miss you and having someone to talk to and go on adventures with at the spur of the moment.We did have a good life together.Well my dear i have a salad to make and "Gone with the Wind"is on.You know that is one of my favorite movies.I love you Ray and miss you very much.My thoughts will be of you tomarrow.Love,Colleen
Colleen Clark
November 21, 2011
My Dear husband,I awoke to -35 degrees(fell asleep to -35 also).It's been like this for days!Anyway it's the holiday season but i don't feel like celebrating any holiday this year.I've come up against a brick wall in every aspect of my life it seems.I wish i had better news to report,kinda tired of all the bad news.I'm scared and miss you terribly.I got my flu shot last thursday and that didn't even go well.I had a severe reaction to it.For awhile there i thought i was going to join you but it passed and here i am.I reported it to the clinic the next day.Been spending my days bundling up and getting out.Watching families get ready for the holidays and thinking of how i use to enjoy this time of year.I try not to come home til later now-i don't know why that is.How much has changed in 7 months and 1 day.I still look for you in crowds.I don't know why-i was there holding your hand when you left.Just want to tell you I love you before i leave the house for the day.Love,Colleen
Colleen Clark
November 16, 2011
Dear Ray,Losing you is so painful.People say i need to move on but to be honest,I can't do it-I really don't know how people find it in them emotionally to move on.I feel as though i'm leaving you and cry every time i think about it.I can't let go-even though you are not physically here anymore.You knew me so well and i'm at the point of shutting down emotionally-except at home with all my thoughts of you.I know it's not healthy but i feel guilty if i even think about starting to live without you.I know i'm not handling it right so i am going to get some counciling.I try and tell everyone i'm ok -i've done that most of my life,but i'm really not.I would never do anything stupid-i just miss you so much it and hurts so bad.I don't know how to "move on".Like i'm living in the past with all of our memories and there isn't a present-i don't know if i'm making sense-I'm lost without you.Anyway i hope i can get the help and try to start living in the present(happily)I know life is moving on without me and I want to be the Mom and Nana i should be.I don't want to feel guilty for living.I love you Ray-I always have.I pray i will be back on my feet-i just have to fight for it.Guess i need to find that Irish/Tlingit sprit you loved and teased me about.I can still hear your laugh-i miss it.My brother is coming to spend time with me soon so it will help too.The weather is so cold now.You and I were looking forward to giving our aching bodies a break from the 8 months of cold weather.I wonder where we would have gone.A nice sandy beach sounds good right now.I would do it all over again if i had the chance.It hurts but you were worth every minute we had together.I love you Babe,Colleen
Tawni (Clark) Holtzman
November 14, 2011
Dad-Today's my birthday and I miss you like hell. It really is just another day, but it's a day that is part of you in me that I have lost. I miss you so very much. My only birthday wish is for you to let me know someway that you are with me today. That's all I really want. I love you....everyday and every moment that goes by. They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them, but then an Entire Life to forget them. This is so true...this is how I have felt for you from the day I was born and here we are 35 years later..... I Love You Always & Forever.
Colleen Clark
November 12, 2011
Ray,I woke up to a cold morning and more snow.I looked out and saw the wood pile covered in snow.I heard alot of people were asking if i would want to sell it.I am hanging onto it because at some point i'm sure i will need it and it is the last of your wood.I invested in a few bungee cords to help secure my bags to the luggage carrier so they they dont fall off and spill everywhere-like a couple days ago in the road!You know me and how graceful i can be-NOT!I usually try and get home early but then i thought why?No one is there waiting so i took my time.A young man got off where i did and waited for me-said it was too dangerous around there to be out at night.His cousin met up with him and he asked him to help me the rest of the way home but i assured them i was ok.I'm not scared of the people as much as i am the moose.But it was nice of them to care.It still bothers me when i turn that corner and see your truck.I use to get so happy knowing you were inside waiting for me-if you didnt come pick me up.I don't know why but lately i will be thinking of something or see something on tv and want to share it with you-forgetting you are not here to share it with.Been happening alot.Amber called me late the other night and she told Kaidence to say hi to Nana-she got on the phone and said "Hi Papa"This is from our only grandchild you never met.She had said it before also so i find it a bit strange she knows our gkids call you Papa.They say babies can see more than we do?!?But it makes me feel good that she does know you.She waived her hand as she said it Amber said.Brought tears to my eyes.I have pictures of you with all the grandkids but her.I gained ALL the weight back that i lost when you left.I think i picked up all of your "happy"/bad eating habits. :0) Really it's buy as much as i can for the money and easy to make, thats usually alot of starch.Well my love i am going to read so until next time i love you very much and i'm another day closer to you.Love,Colleen
Colleen Clark
November 10, 2011
Hello my dear husband,It seems as though you still let me know you love me even though you are not "here" anymore.I have a few books i want to read to give the tv a break and save more on electricity so i was looking for the 2 traveler book lights we had and came accross a card you wrote on and gave me for Valentines Day.It said"I promise to kiss you hello each time you come home and goodbye each time we leave"-you did.Then i read "I promise to listen to you and TRY to understand your feelings"-you did.I read on "I promise to be your biggest fan and support you in all you do..."-Ray,you were always there for me.Thank you.I read on..."I promise to love you with all my heart,and never to stop finding ways to show you how much" My Ray of Sunshine,I know you loved me with all your heart as i did and still do you.Then you wrote "I love you with all my heart Happy Valentines Day,Ray" My sweet husband, I was so happy to find a man like you who honestly loved and cared for me.Thank you for giving me so much joy and wanting to share your life with me.I about wore out the last card i found from you so it was nice to find this one.Loving and missing you,Colleen
Colleen Clark
November 8, 2011
Hello my Sunshine,I opened the door today to find more snow falling.I know you shoveled it around the house to help w/insulation so i hope it continues to fall.Went out and got me a foldable luggage carrier so i can get bags of food home easier.It gets the job done and saves my back.Oh,i did hear back from Social Security.They denied me.I was and still am upset to say the least.After all this time of hoping for it to be approved and needing it to the point i have to watch EVERY penny i spend it hurt like someone kicked me in the chest.My head is really spinning now- i will appeal it.I don't want to or even like to ask for help so i hope they get it right-i don't understand why it didn't get approved after all my back has been through and still hurts everyday/night,my shoulder and my anxiety. Just 1 time i would like something to work out and this would have been the one i would have liked it to happen.Just once.Had a letter from PFD about yours-no good news there either.So i grabbed your"box",snuggled with it and i just let it all out.I never knew a person could have so many tears or such bad luck.I saw your van again and that always gives me mixed feelings.Oh,Amber may be on a reality series about Army wives.That would be exciting for her and give people a peek into the sacrifices the wives make at home also.I know it hasn't been easy for her-i was suppose to move there and help her but after you left my plans changed.Ray,I miss listening to you tell me stories of your life and the laughter we shared as you told them.So many things i miss-you mainly.Life is definitely not the same for me.It's a struggle emotionally,physically and financially.I wonder if it will ever get easier-not just the money part.I haven't been all that happy since April 20th....Well as Scarlett would say"Theres always tomarrow" I have a couple other problems i need to work on in the morning (Praying those have a good outcome)so goodnight Big Daddy.I love and miss you to infinity and beyond,Colleen
Colleen Clark
November 2, 2011
Hello Ray,It's now November and the faster it can go by will be good for me.Already below 0 here now.I just had the lights go out right after i put my banquet "dinner" in.I waited for about 20 mins before i called it in and found out there was no outage reported around here.So then i panicked a little and finally remembered to check the breakers-fixed!But afterwards i had the worst meltdown of all.I have been trying to plug along here and it's no easy task when i miss you so darn much,but i've been able to handle most things so far.This was one of those things you would be fixing and it hit me so hard that you are not here anymore.When i talk to you and share my day or talk to you about anything your not here to answer me anymore.When i hug your clothes,smell them and wrap them around me you are not in them to hug me back.When i touch your hair you are not attached to it so i can rub it like you loved me to do.When the house has problems you are not here to fix it.When i kiss your picture your not here to kiss me back.When i cry you aren't here to hug me and wipe my tears away anymore.I miss you so much it hurts.It just hurts i'm in no condition to even be there for the kids/grandkids and it's just not right.Knowing they have lost you and all they have been thru and are still going thru hurts me too.I keep praying for strength but feel no stronger.Our son bought a new phone for me and i received it today.The other one had too many problems.I am thankful for the new phone,but i keep the other one on due to contract and it has a message you left on there so i can listen to your voice.We never had a problem with me being a"girly girl" and you being the man of the house but i just may need to get a book"Maitenence for Dummies" or something along those lines. =0)
Still no GOOD answers on those problems i've been working on.They better happen soon.Well my dear i have more paperwork so pls keep watch over all our loved ones and i'm getting closer everyday.Love,Hugs and kisses,Colleen
Colleen Clark
October 31, 2011
Ray,It's Halloween and I don't remember Easter or 4th of July this yr.Anyway i was thinking of all the years we bought Halloween candy for the kids and ended up with no trick or treaters so the following years we started buying only the candy we liked and go out to dinner on Halloween.I just read Tawnis letter and here i am crying for her.I hope somehow ,someway it will get better for her.I understand the pain she feels-Doesn't seem like it's getting better at all.It's hard for me to be around others cuz i don't want to have one of my breakdowns and make anyone feel uncomfortable or make them sad if they are having a good day.I have had only a couple of those.You meant so much to me and still do-you always will.I have never met a man who worked so hard and took so much pride in what he did.I admired how you were always willing to help (a little or alot) those who needed it.A true friend to all.You were so good to me.You knew my insecurities-I could share anything with you and did.You understood me.Yes,we had our moments but they didn't last long.You made me so happy and i was and am still so in love with you Ray.I remember the 1st time you said you loved me(on the phone when you lived in Dutch Harbor and i lived in Anchorage)And how we worked on what brought us together.I thanked God for bringing you into my life-I just don't know why you were taken so soon.After all you and i had been thru and where we were in our life -it just doesn't make sense.We weren't done, and we daydreamed of things to come,and joked about growing old together.Now i sit here everyday and wonder if i had been ready that morning would it have made a difference?I woke up a few nights ago and asked you to please turn the tv down.Then it dawned on me that I was on the couch,where you slept,and i started to cry.I'm just as lost now as i was 6 mos ago.Well im sure since i have no candy this year that i'll probably get kids so im leaving for awhile after i say a prayer for Tawni and the rest of the family.Please keep watching over all of them.I love you and miss you so much so since it's Halloween if you would like to come by i should be home later-I'd love to see you-anytime.
Tawni (Clark) Holtzman
October 30, 2011
Dad- people always tell me that time will make this easier, but as I sit here with tears streaming down my cheeks I feel like I just keep losing you everyday. I keep this to myself so much of the time....remind you of anyone? I would do anything just to have one more moment with you. I miss you so.... Halloween is tomorrow, one of my favorite holidays & I'm sad you won't get to see the kids with their costumes. I just wish I could understand why??? I miss you like I never thought I could miss anyone. I've lost loved ones & had pain in my life, but nothing comes close to the heart ache I have felt after losing you. I only wish I had half your strength in my life to get me through this. Love & miss you more than eternity. :) see you.....love always, Tawni
Colleen Clark
October 29, 2011
I woke up to 3 degree weather but got ready anyway and got out of here for awhile.It was a lil chilly but i enjoyed getting out.On the way home i checked the mail and rec'vd a letter from Social Security.They lost all of my file from 6 months ago except something saying i was interested in applying.Anyway they said i need to fill out a application if i'm interested in getting benefits.I did all of this in APRIL!I've been so upset that i have not even been able to talk to anyone right now.I have been so careful watching every penny i spend and doing what i can to make it til i was approved and when i saw the letter i was hoping it was my approval.If it weren't for bad luck i'd have no luck.Being Irish you would think i'd have some good luck =0) Now i have to wait til Monday to talk to someone.Hopefully by then i will have calmed down.I feel so defeated and i'm tired of everything being such a struggle.I know you are telling me to hang in there and get it ALL fixed-I'm trying.I found all of my cold weather gear.I am so grateful you bought me those boots and snow pants.My coat still has another year of wear in it so i'll be ok.I keep praying for things to change and i'm trying to do my part so they can.Been thinking about finding a Therapist to help me deal with losing you and all this other emotional stuff.Think i'll try and get some badly needed sleep now so I love you and wish you were here.
Colleen Clark
October 27, 2011
Went shopping today and right after i got on the bus i saw your van so of course i got back off the bus and had to go by and touch it.I know thats crazy but i couldn't help myself.Amber saw this show of "Oprahs life classes".The topic was about Grief and how to move on or deal with it better.She said the Dr on there was good and his advice was helpful.I REALLY wish i had seen it also.I don't want to forget you (could never do that ;0) )-i just don't want to hurt so much all the time,maybe sleep more than 2 hrs and not be so scared of losing anymore loved ones.Our neighbors have there wood stove going and are burning your wood-it smells wonderful!Prices are still going up at the store so i've been stocking up on things as much as possible.I'm in limbo and waiting for paperwork to push thru,but besides missing you i'm ok.Well my dear i have groceries to finish putting away so i'll stop for now.I love you Ray and i am another day closer.
Colleen Clark
October 24, 2011
You are always on my mind and will forever be in my heart.Today is harder for me than yesterday was... I love you my Ray of Sunshine :~)
Colleen Clark
October 23, 2011
At 4:37 it will be 6 months (183 days or 26 wks and 1 day)since you were taken from us and i just want you to know i love you-my heart feels the pain of not having you here.It is broken.But i am making it through another day.I spent all night thinking of us from the beginning to the end and laughed at some of our memories,but there is such a big void in my life.I really miss hearing your voice.I miss being held...i miss so much-I miss you....
Colleen Clark
October 20, 2011
6 months ago today i rec'vd that call but still had hope things would be ok.I think about you daily and miss you very much Ray.I found a woodworking class that is new to Fairbanks and will be opening up soon.I have had so many things like that happen since you have been gone.(Need something and it appears)Coincidence?I don't think so.You were so good to me and i truly believe you continue to be there for me.I look at your pictures and wish we could go back.It was 16 degrees this morning and i am already tired of winter.Wish it didn't last so long here.Anyway i was thinking about you and just wanted to tell you i love you.
Colleen Clark
October 18, 2011
We have snow on the ground now.I wish it could stay like this all winter instead of getting so much colder.Sunday will be 6 months but it feels like you've been gone alot longer than that.At times i talk to you like nothings happened.Every night i tell you "Good night hon,I love you" and give your box a kiss and a rub.I keep the tv on all night -still scared of the dark.I've been thinking of ways to make a box for your ashes since the one was never made.I want to try and make one out of one of your chopping blocks.I thought it would be perfect if i can do it.I need to figure out what i need and practice carving.Praying it turns out nice.I love you Ray and miss you so much.Love,Hugs and kisses,Colleen
Colleen Clark
October 15, 2011
Another nice fall day today.Had to do some things yesterday and by the time i came home it was dark.Going to call the city about putting in street lights because there are not any from College Rd til right before our place and it's so dark you can't see anything.I watched this movie that was almost a mirror image of my life right now.A widow(younger)who pours 2 cups of coffee every morning,wears her husbands clothes,watching other couples hugging or laughing together and wishing he was there.So similar to what i do.He was sick and wrote her 10 letters to read at certain times after he was gone.You know me-i cried thru it all.She ended up taking her Mother to Ireland (where she met her husband) where she and her Mom both found someone.Needless to say i'm not going back where we met.But i sure wish you were here to laugh with me.I miss seeing you smile at me.Been another lazy day around here.Have alot to do but just don't feel like doing it.I can hear you telling me i'll feel better if i get it done.Tried to find some books to read thru the winter.You know how i love reading.Would rather stay warm at home all day than outside in cold.I was only sleeping a couple hrs a night for a long time but i think i caught up on sleep today.I know i say this alot but i do miss you so much.I just don't get why you?It happened so fast.So shocking when you don't expect it.I still look at your picture and wish you were here with me and at times i beg God to let you come back -to no avail-He does answer prayers and sometimes the answer is no...I even ask you to pls come back.Well my love i'm going to find something to eat for dinner.I miss cooking for you.These days i throw something in the microwave or soup and a sandwich.It doesn't bother me-i just miss making you happy.I love you and i'm getting closer every day.Loving you always,Colleen
Colleen Clark
October 14, 2011
Hello my Ray of Sunshine,It's been a long night and going to be another busy fighting for whats ours day so i hope you are by my side and nudge me when i need it.Other than that i go out every night and look up at the stars if they are visible and wish i could capture on film what i see.The moon and sometimes the northern lights illuminating thru the clouds and their beautiful formations is breathtaking at times.It's now too cold for me to sit on" my side" of the steps and look up .Well Ray it's time to start my coffee so please know i love you,i miss you every minute of everyday and i'm another day closer baby.Loving you always,Colleen
Colleen Clark
October 13, 2011
I saw the first snowflakes of this winter fall a couple days ago.They melted as they hit the ground.We always looked forward to the first snowfall and enjoyed watching the first flakes together.If it was late at night i would wake you up.I miss you Ray....
Colleen Clark
October 11, 2011
I made it thru a couple of rough days.Just when i think i'm making progress emotionally something happens and i'm a emotional wreck.Last week it was me missing you of course,trying to get heating fuel delivered(which hasn't happened yet) and Dads been gone 2 yrs now.This family has had it's share of losing family members/ loved ones.The day before Thanksgiving,last year,my brother-in-law Danny passed away-5 months to the day before you.So we are running out of holidays to celebrate.I don't even remember Easter of this year.I talked to Tawni earlier and she had a couple of funny stories to share.Was nice to be able to laugh and we had a nice long conversation.I get a warm feeling inside me at times when i think of you or see something that reminds me of you and it lets me know you are there with me.When i go outside at night to look at the stars my right hand feels warm, like you are holding it, so i know your still there star watching with me.Sounds crazy but i know-i can feel you.Then there are the times a noise will wake me up and for a second or two I think it's you coming home or coming from the back room to the livingroom.Then it hits me.But for those couple seconds i am so happy.I love you Ray.Well it's been a long day and i'm very tired so it's time to get some sleep and hope i dream of you.Rub Babies belly for me.I love and miss you both.Love,Hugs and kisses to all,Colleen
Colleen Clark
October 6, 2011
It's PFD Day so i'm laying low today.I don't feel like fighting crowds that will be at the stores.We would go the day before PFD's and get what we really needed.I have been trying to stock up for winter.We had so many cases of T.P. and i'm doing my best to get that,paper towels,cleaning supplies,shampoo/conditioner,laundry and body soap stocked up like it use to be.I found our Christmas dishes and thought of our last big Christmas we had in Juneau.How excited i got when i saw that set and you started filling the cart w/them.You were the most giving man-Thank you.I try and keep that going in your memory.I ,like alot of americans, am a step away from being homeless myself but i still give to those less fortunate.You always gave to people you didnt even know and i admired that about you most of the time.When you brought them home or invited them w/us on road/ferry trips...wasn't a fan of that but you always made life exciting.Now i'm alone and at times laugh out loud thinking of things you or we did.Sometimes(usually) it hurts instead.Since the weather is changing now i think i will look for a treadmill or something to help keep me in shape.I don't want to gain weight this winter and hope i can find a used one as soon as (crossing fingers) things go thru.I need to try and get some stuff moved so i'll go for now.Of course you know i will probably move a box or 2 before i quit.I love you my handsome fella.Miss you more than ever and i'm another day closer to you.Throw the ball to our dog "Baby". Too quiet in this house without you 2 but at times i can go thru memories and can see and hear us laughing and playing.Loving you always,Colleen
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