• Lesko & Polke Funeral Home
    Fairfield, CT
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Kenneth W. Smith

Kenneth W. Smith

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July 19, 2018

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July 19, 2018

Please don't submit copyrighted work; original poems, songs or prayers welcomed.

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July 03, 2018
Hi Toots, Well 3 years today was the last time you were alive. But last night is the best part of your last days. I got to climb into bed with you in the hospital, with the nurses approval and we watched the fireworks, not the real ones the one over someone's house, you held me and hugged me, held my face in your beautiful soft hands and kissed me like you would all the time and told me you loved me. That is the hardest memory because I lose sight of how awful I feel today I try to focus on the night before but it doesn't. It was still the end of our life together. Three years & I still can't figure who I am, what I want to do with the rest of my life and I am sure we talked about and sometimes I have flashes of the conversations, but I think we were supposed to be living on St. Maarten. I have the opportunity but I don't know if I want to be there without you. I do have to admit when I get off the plane I am so relaxed and happy can you believe I just said I am happy. I can't say that about any day here. I remember when we told my Mom that my Dad had passed away and she sunk down on the bed and said my life is over. We tried to tell her she still had us and the kids. But no matter where we were or how we tried she never really smiled and she always smiled and laughed. I understand that now, but you taught me how to live life to the fullest, but I can't because I think I was only happy with you. I am ok with that, it is the other people around me that want me to be happy and find a new life. I think I am happy to know that I lived my dream that I wanted as a child you treated me like a queen, princess and your lover what more could I ask for. I will work I my grief shopping bills and then do some traveling. I wait for you to come to me in my dreams. I didn't understand the other night when you got angry trying to explain what life should be like now until we meet again. But each time I write in my Journal I understand a little more. I remember it took us 5 years to settle into our memory mode, I take each day as it comes. Cindy seems to be the force that wants the old "OM" back, but I keep telling her she is gone forever and she looks at me with tears in her eyes and wants me to change that I can't. As far as I know the next time I will be back to me is when you put your hand & help me crossover. I Love you with all my heart-Till we meet again please smile down on me and help me find the peace that you now know. Love Bunches XXXOOO
June 17, 2018
Hi Toots, I wanted to wish you a Happy Father's Day, even though your first born is with you for that the memories of that night after she was born, I knew I was the luckiest woman in the world. The rules were so different then. They rolled me back to my room, Michelle to the nursery and you weren't allowed to come in the room. You were so excited all we wanted was to hug each other and celebrate. Finally a nurse came by and asked why you were in the hallway, you looked at her, I think you were even crying a little and said they won't let me in to see my wife. She said go and closed the door. I don't know who it was but I adored her instantly. You came in the room, sat on the bed and you took my face in your hands and gave me a big kiss. You thanked me for giving you the best gift you have ever gotten and then we just held each other. I guess I finally fell asleep and you laid me down, I felt your kiss and heard your I Love You with all my heart. I told you I loved you and fell sound asleep. I remember that every Father's Day and how happy you made me. I love you and always will but I can't stop missing you, crying to be with you and yes I do know you are with me everyday. But you a question to answer?: I always thought that people that were so in love died shortly after the first spouse did----so why am I not with you yet? I want a hug and one of those great kisses, but I know you know that. Love you Toots. Love your Bunches XXXOOO
November 24, 2017
Happy Thanksgiving one day late. I was doing so well yesterday that I knew I would feel like I do today so I waited to talk to you. I wish I could go to sleep till Jan.2, 2018 and not have to go through the whole holiday stuff. I am so tired of smiling and making everyone feel comfortable being around me. I really don't care. Everyone is planning what I am doing every weekend so as to keep me busy. I was going to go to the casino today like we used to but I didn't feel like it because it seems like all those people that used to talk to you (my social butterfly) now think I need to be talked to and entertained. So the talk we had the other day seemed to help me get through yesterday and Kathy even commented one it. You should be so proud of your Grandchildren they made me so happy tried a little of everything and how great it was to hear them say Grandma that is really good. I guess I missed out on a lot, I said not to worry we have a lot more to come. I love and miss you Toots--hang in there with me to help with the next month. Love Bunches XXXOOO
July 28, 2017
Happy Birthday Toots, I wish we could be in AC having the fun we had down there. I made a reservation but cancelled I was so afraid of being down there without you I wouldn't know how to cope & probably wouldn't leave the room. Our birthday memories are so good. The parties, with and without the DJ, and he did love you. As he you used to say you were The Man. He said you taught him how to be the perfect father, so he knew what his life would be like. He said he thinks he can be a good husband like you, but it would depend on him picking the perfect woman like you did. We were perfect together and I miss you more than less everyday, but the memories are getting better because they make me smile more than make me cry. I am setting you free today to go fly with your family up there & side by side with Michelle. Tell her you want the cake with pineapple in the middle, because she will make sure that her Daddy gets what he wants. I am going to lunch with Kathy to celebrate your birthday and then look at some of our old videos so I can see you move, throw me a kiss, dance with me and just plain old smile at me. Love and Miss you Toots XXXOOO Your Bunches
July 08, 2017
Hi Toots: I guess I couldn't quite figure out why I was feeling this way and then I thought why shouldn't I today was the day I saw you gone all the life in you taken away, along with the pain and suffering and I am happy you no longer feel that pain. I guess I am selfish because it still hurts that you aren't here with me making me happy anymore. I don't know how to be happy without you. When I saw you 2 years ago today I thought I was going to lose my mind and I guess in a way I have. Now I know why I run away to the casino or shopping or the beach anywhere but as I know it doesn't help. So was the food last night or you letting me know I needed to face the sad and deal with it. I felt the blanket pull away from my legs last night and knew you were with me. I wanted to have you hold me, kiss me, and just love me. I think I knew I was going to feel like this but I thought maybe it would feel better but it doesn't and everyone wants me back the way I was, that can't happen because I have changed. I go out everyday to work, I socialize and everyone thinks I am ok, and if that makes them happy ok, I guess you could say I finally got to be the actress on Broadway like I wanted. But I know Kathy is going to be here soon and I don't want to see her or the kids. Because when I have to make believe I am ok then it gets worse when they leave and I am alone. So I don't sleep, my stomach is a mess and I just wonder if I loved you so much why haven't I died of a broken heart, because it doesn't seem to be healing. I want you to be there when I die and hold your beautiful hand out to help me meet you again. Is that why I am afraid of moving on & making a new life, because then you might think that I didn't love or miss but I do. It is so lonely, It seems you planned all of our good times. I just tagged along. Sometimes I get quiet around people because I sometimes say the wrong thing. Please don't leave my side I need you more than today and tomorrow. You took my heart with you when you left but that is how it should. You were my first in every way and you will remain my last till the end of my life. I Love you so much and miss you. Love you Toots XXXOOO Your Bunches.
February 18, 2017
Hi Toots, I said Hi on Valentine's Day but it never got submitted maybe I am writing too much. I wanted to wish you a Happy Valentine's Day and tell you that I thought of all the reasons I should smile on that day. The first thing I remembered was how you would put you hands on my checks, look into my eyes with your beautiful eyes and kiss me. Then you would stand there and pull your head back and lean it to the right and tell me how beautiful I was. So everyday I give you a kiss and remember the one I was getting back & most of the time I smile but sometimes those tears start because I miss you so much, words can't describe my sadness. Love and Miss you Toots XXXOOO Love Bunches.
February 05, 2017
Hi My Toots, I just got through watching a movie "The Choice". I went to write in my journal when I realized that wasn't where this belongs. I had 2 bad days and today felt a little better. This movie was our life so happy & in Love just that once in a lifetime love that lasts, thank goodness ours was longer than theirs. Then an accident and she was in a coma, everyone tried to talk him into letting her go but he couldn't and as I watched him suffer everyday I realized I basically did the same thing when I said yes to hospice, thinking it would help you feel better & then come home. I never gave up hope & then regretted the choice I made, but I do know it was the right one, because you weren't struggling to breathe. Kathy told me that you told her you didn't want to leave me but that it was going to happen and that she should be patient with me & I love you for that-I have always loved all your Choices you made for us. I was crying so hard & then I remembered you were still with me. I went over and held you in my arms & all of a sudden I felt this peaceful feeling & I stopped crying for a bit. I made the right choices too I know that I just plain old miss you, I am not feeling sorry for myself because I know we had a special life and love for each other & now I don't always cry when I look at your pictures, or movies I smile, then close my eyes and thing of something good. I miss you with all my heart and will love you forever. Love & miss you Toots-Love Bunches XXXOOO
January 01, 2017
Happy New Year Toots, I missed you last night, but tell Michelle I know that was her in St. Maarten yelling at me on top of that umbrella. She was right I needed to go last night not stay home with Violet like a martyr. Uncle Gary had a really long talk with me, of course I am surprised I remember it after all the champagne. He cut me off early said he saw me when I have had tooooo much champagne, but I had a friend name Greg & his father John who saw my empty glass and yelled Greg "OM" has an empty glass-Christina got her license and promised she would take me out to drive the Hummer. Then when I woke up at 5:30 this morning-feeling like a zombie, I had a lot of thinking to do. Gary told me how happy he was that I came and told me that after not coming last year & having Cindy think it was me every time the door opened & disappointed when it wasn't he said she felt like she lost you too. Then he opened his heart to me & asked me if I knew how lucky I was to have had 51 years with a man that adored me. I said how do you know he felt that way, he said I used to watch him watch you walk away from him with love in his eyes for the whole world to see. I have wanted that all my life and probably the majority of married couples would kill to have what you have. I said "Had"-he got angry with me and said how dare you blemish those memories they should make you happy every time you think of him, not sad he wouldn't want that, how proud he would be if you could just go to that happy place that he made for you & let the rest take care of itself. He said I am not saying that you shouldn't cry when you feel lonely but girl he is right here with you and you know that. Look around you & think about all the people that touch your life everyday and how much effort they have put into trying to make you happy again. I realized that I am the lucky one to have friends that love me that much to work that hard so I won't be sad and all I do is feel sorry for myself, when shame on me, I had the perfect life and should make sure I start acting it. So from today on, not that I won't slip and fall, & cry but maybe just when I am here with you and knowing the other times you are with me with that smile I will be ok. Love and Miss you till we meet again!XXXOOO
July 28, 2016
Happy Birthday Toots: I know you flew off yesterday to go to the Borgata like we always did on your birthday. I know because I had such a bad day I had to leave work and do my own thing. I had reservations but Kathy is still not comfortable with me going down there without someone so I guess September I don't tell her till I am either on my way or there. Have a great party and remember to help me at Mohegan Sun. I am driving Randy, his Mom and Brian so I won't be moping around the house. I love and miss you Toots. XXXOOO
July 09, 2016
Hi Toots: I love and miss you and that stuff that life goes on take it from me it doesn't it stopped on July 3, 2015 and really stopped when I saw you for the last time on July 9th. They closed the cover and you were gone, now I have just the memories. That are good make me know that I was once happy. I read your prayer card almost everyday and still not ready to let you go. I know I will never be the same, feel the same and I know you are here with me every step of the way I need that hug and need someway to channel my sadness but today I feel like just staying in bed and crying if I want sleeping or just talk to you and hug my pillow, but then the phone rings and when I can't even sound normal the question what is wrong, the answer I give is pleasant but not what I really want to say. We have a mass for you tomorrow at 11:00 and the only thing that I am grateful for is that I know Gene & Joanne will be there to help me through it. Please come sit next to me and put your hand on my hand so I will stay calm. I love and miss you Toots XXXOOO

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