Jesse Jay "Buddy" Hillen

Oh Buddy..tomorrow will be 16 years that you left us. Where did the time go? There is not a day that goes by that I don't think of you. I wonder what you would be today or how many more grandbabies I would have. I know one thing you would be so very proud of Karlee and Cole. They are amazing just like you, Crystal and Holly. I'll love you always and forever my ACE..Love you're Mama.

Miss you so much today. Always there in my heart.

HEY BUDDY,

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY BEAUTIFUL SON. TODAY YOU WOULD HAVE BEEN 28. I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT IT WILL SOON BE 6 YEARS. I STILL HURT JUST AS BAD TODAY AS I DID THEN. STILL CRY FOR YOU EVERYDAY..THE TEARS JUST COME. I MISS YOU BUDS, SO VERY MUCH. I WILL SEE YOU AGAIN SOMEDAY..LOVING AND MISSING YOU EVERY SECOND OF EVERY DAY. HAVE A WONDERFUL BIRTHDAY JESS..

I LOVE YOU ALWAYS AND FOREVER
YOUR BEST FRIEND,
YOUR MAMA

Hey Buds,

Well, camping season and fishing season are starting this weekend. I have been thinking of you a lot lately. I miss you so much. Just wish you were here so you could teach Cole how to fish and play ball. He is such a little stinker and I know you would have loved him to death. He reminds me so much of you when you were that little. He is a lot louder than you were but he loves to kid around with people. His smile will just knock you over sometimes. Oh, and he loves to ride his quad. Just like you did...LOL He is all boy and I'm enjoying every minute of it. He is so excited to go to camp this Friday. It's all he has been talking about for the last couple of months. Well, have to get going. I love you always and forever.

Your sis,
Holly

Merry Christmas Jess..

Just wanted to let you know how much I miss you. Hope you are having a wonderful Christmas. Still crying for you every day. It never seems to get any easier. Loving and missing you every second of every day.

Love you always and forever,
Your best friend,
Your Mama

Hey Jess,

Well it's 5 years today that you left me. I'm still struggling with it. I miss you so very much. Still cry for you every day, just can't help it. There is still that big hole in my heart that no matter what nothing can fill it. I'll be going to the cemetery today to visit you. Just couldn't bring myself to go to church this morning. I knew I would just cry thru the whole service. I'll probably take you a balloon or something. I love you Buds. Be seeing you soon. Loving and missing you every second of every day.

Love you always and forever,
Your best friend,
Your Mama

Hey Buds,

Just wanted to wish you a belated happy birthday. I didn't forget. We put balloons on your grave on Thursday but we left right after that for Lancaster. Holly took Gram up to see Amish country, someplace she has always wanted to go. Holly, Cole, Gram, Karlee and I went from Thursday till Sunday. Holly planned the trip around Thomas the Train being there for Cole to ride. He really likes Thomas and got the biggest kick out of riding the big train. It was nuts with about a million little kids screaming for Thomas. Cole loved it. We rode a horse and wagon too on Friday at this shopping place we went to. It was so funny. The wagon went out on the road and Cole got all excited when a car came up behind the wagon. He jumped up, stuck out his little hand and yelled "Stop car, don't run over my horse". Everyone on the wagon got the biggest laugh out of that. He was so very serious about it too. I know you already know all this stuff Buds because you were with us like always. Gram had a really great time and loved it. She was a real trooper going everywhere. She said she felt great the whole time. Holly paid for everything. She's so good to me Buds. So is Crystal. I always said I have the greatest kids ever and that includes you Jess. I have the most caring and loving kids in the world and I know it. I'm really blessed. I miss you so much Jess. I think of you every day and still cry every day. I just wish you could have been with us in person this past weekend. I know you would have really enjoyed it too. Well Buds, I guess I better be going and getting back to work. Hope you had a wonderful birthday. Loving and missing you every second of every day.

Love you always and forever.
Your best friend
Your Mama

Morning Buds,

Well Buds, I had to put Debo to sleep last night. He was so sick Jess. I just couldn't let him suffer any more. Gram is a total mess. You know how she loved him. We all did. Bob buried him with all the other animals we had. I just feel so sad Jess. It's like I lost the last part of you. He was your dog. I know you came and got him last night and he's with you all well again and running around happy. We'll miss him so much. He was a really devoted dog to all of us. Al suprised us on Sunday. When we came home from Karlee's birthday party that big beautiful truck of his was in the driveway. It's always so wonderful to have him home. I worry so much about him on the road all the time. I keep my angels around him all the time. I know your with him always too. Keeping him safe. Christy graduates nursing school on Thursday and already has a job in a hospital in the critical heart unit. I'm so proud of both of them. Al must have ESP because he called last night right after Bob buried Debo. He was starting to get real sick when Al was home and he wanted to know how he was. I told him and his concern was Gram. He said she talked to Debo like he was 3 years old. How true that is. He was her little companion all day while I worked. It's going to be so hard for her. She says she doesn't want another dog, nothing could take Debo's place. Well Jess...I guess I better be getting to work. My big boss just came in so I better look busy..LOL... Loving and missing you every second of every day.

Love you always and forever.
Your best friend,
Your Mama

Hey Buddy..

Just Mom again. Hoping you had a wonderful Easter. We had Easter at the house. The girls, Bob, Karlee, Cole, Gram, Aunt Flo, Kimmy, John and Bob's mother were there. It was nice. I don't think that Karlee believes any more but she pretends. She's growing up to fast Buds. Cole was excited about his basket and loved his Thomas the Train stuff that was in the basket. He'll be fun for a while. Next year will be really crazy cuz he'll know what it's all about. He wouldn't sit on Easter Bunnies lap though. He was afraid of him. I can remember you wanting to see Santa and the Easter Bunny. You'd get right up there next to sit on their laps and then wouldn't go. You'd say "Ok, I saw him lets go". It was funny. Cole is doing really good with potty training. He broke pretty easy. He uses your stool to stand at the sink and wash his hands. How I remember you on that little stool. Funny how little things like that really effect me. I just start to cry. I miss you Buds so very very much. Kate and Jill stopped over on Saturday. Jill's all ready for her wedding. She'll make a beautiful bride. Kate is just as beautiful as ever. Soon she'll be done with her Masters in teaching. How time flies. Seem just like yesterday that she went back to school. She still hasn't heard if she'll be student teaching under Curt or not. It would be really nice to see that happen. I know if you have anything to do with it, it will happen. I can't help but always wonder what you would be doing now Buds if you were still here. I know you would be done with college but wonder if you would have gone on for your Masters and what field exactly you would have gone into it. Guess I will never have that answer. Where ever you would have gone I know you would have excelled. This weekend Karlee is in the play Peter Pan at the library. She really loves doing that stuff. Such a drama queen. Then her birthday is the following week. Busy Busy Busy little girl. It's good, keeps her out of trouble. Well my super Ace.... I guess I better get to work and earn my peanuts that I make. Sure miss the airline paychecks... Loving and missing you every second of every day.

Love you always and forever,
Your best friend,
Your Mama

HEY BUDDIE..

JUST MOM AGAIN. SORRY THAT I HAVEN'T WRITTEN IN SO LONG. IT'S NOT THAT YOU'RE NOT WITH ME ALL THE TIME BECAUSE YOU ARE. EVERY SINGLE DAY.... BEEN REALLY BUSY WITH WORKING, KARLEE AND COLE AND TRYING TO GET THE HOUSE DONE SO I CAN GO OUTSIDE AND DO THE YARD. I KNOW YOU WILL BE WITH ME IN THE YARD. HOPE YOU ASK JESUS TO MAKE MY FLOWERS GROW BEAUTIFUL THIS YEAR. I KNOW YOU SEE KARLEE AND COLE EVERYDAY BUT BUDS...YOU WOULD REALLY LOVE BEING WITH THEM IF YOU WERE HERE. COLE IS JUST LIKE YOU...PLAY OUTSIDE IS ALL HE WANTS TO DO. CAN'T GET HIM IN ONCE HE'S OUT THERE. GUESS WE'LL JUST HAVE TO GET A PICNIC TABLE FOR HIM TO EAT ON LIKE YOU HAD. KARLEE IS GETTING SO BIG. CAN'T BELIEVE HOW TIME FLIES BUDS. IT SEEMS LIKE I JUST WISH MY LIFE AWAY HOPING FOR FRIDAY TO COME. THE MONTHS ARE JUST MOVING BY SO FAST. GUESS IT'S MY AGE TOO BUDS. THEY SAY THE OLDER YOU GET THE FASTER TIME GOES. I REALLY HOPE THAT WHEN IT'S TIME FOR ME TO RETIRE THAT I CAN STILL DO THE THINGS I WANT OUT IN THE YARD. WATCH...I'LL PROBABLY BE TO CRIPPLED TO DO ANYTHING. HOPE NOT. MISS YOU SO MUCH JESS. YOU ARE CONSTANTLY IN MY THOUGHTS. IT'S STILL SO VERY HARD. IT'S A LIE THAT TIME HEALS... I HAVEN'T HEALED AT ALL. STILL CRY ALMOST EVERY DAY. GRAM IS SLOWING DOWN BUDDY. SHE CAN'T DO THE THINGS SHE WANTS TO ANYMORE. HAVEN'T SEEN ANY OF THE FRIENDS LATELY. THEY ALL ARE BUSY WITH THEIR LIVES I GUESS. KATE WAS UP AND SHE'S DOING GREAT. GOING FOR HER MASTERS AND MAYBE SHE WILL BE ABLE TO STUDENT TEACH UNDER CURT. I REALLY THINK THAT WOULD BE AWESOME, DON'T YOU? SHE'S STILL AS BEAUTIFUL AS EVER. JILL IS GETTING MARRIED IN OCTOBER. SHE FOUND A REALLY GREAT GUY. I ONLY MET HIM ONCE BUT I LIKED HIM RIGHT AWAY. WELL BUDS...NOTHING ELSE REALLY NEW. SAME OLD, SAME OLD. LOVING AND MISSING YOU EVERY SECOND OF EVERY DAY.

I'LL LOVE YOU FOREVER AND ALWAYS,
YOUR BEST FRIEND,
YOUR MAMA

Hey Jess,
Just mom again. It's Christmas Eve and I just want to wish you a very merry Christmas. I'm really missing you really bad this year. Thinking about you all the time and crying. I really don't have any Christmas spirit this year at all. Keep thinking how unfair all this is. You should be here with us, making us laugh and letting us enjoy you for who you are. I'm really having a hard time with your death. Sometimes my heart hurts so much I think it's going to explode. The sadness of you not being here is just overwhelming. Crystal and Holly both had their gallbladder taken out within 3 months of each other. Holly had her's done first and she told Crystal that I know you want to be just like me but don't you think having the same organ removed is a little extreme. I laughed at that one. Gram is doing ok but I can see her failing a little each year. Can't deal with the thought of her leaving someday too. Her hearing is really failing and she really struggles to hear. I come home from work and the TV is so loud. We went to see about a hearing aids but we just can't afford them. I never knew they were so expensive. Karlee and Cole are growing so fast. Karlee the princess and Cole...well Cole is just all boy. Trucks, Cars, Trains and Planes. He sure is a character but just as sweet as ever. He'll be playing away and then just stop and come over and give everyone a kiss for no reason. Can't wait to see him this Christmas. He's going to be so excited. I remember the first Christmas you realized what it was all about. I remember everything Buds. It's just like it was yesterday. The longer you are gone it seems that the more I remember. Funny huh?? Time sure is flying by. I can't believe that another year has passed. I don't know where the days and months go. Puff...gone... Kate emailed me and she's coming up next week. It will be really good to see her. I know she's really busy with school and working. I'm so very proud of her and I know you are too. She's such a sweetheart but you already know that. Well Buds, I guess I better get going. Remember, you are always in my thoughts and heart. Loving and missing you every second of every day.

I'll love you always,
Your best friend,
Your Mama

Hey Buds..

Just Mom again. I haven't written in so long. Been so busy with work and watching Cole and Karlee that I don't have much time left. In bed by 9:30 and up at 5. Went to Jay and Beth's wedding. I made it thru and it was beautiful. They didn't forget you Buds. You were remembered in the bullitin at church and Jeremy had a T-shirt made in your memory and all the guys took turns holding it for the pictures. They kept hugging me and Gram all night. It was so good to see them all. I know you were there Buds, I could feel you there and so could all your firends. The boys all looked so handsome in their tux's and the girls were absolutely beautiful and Beth was breathtaking. Just a really beautiful wedding. Jay and Beth's moms look stunning too. Everything was just so nice. Jay and Beth said they would bring the pictures up for me to see when they get them. I know they will be beautiful. I miss you Buds. Still cry for you everyday. Just can't help it. I know it's been 4 years but it hasn't gotten any easier. So that's a lie that time heals all. Cole and Karlee are getting so big. I know you would have Cole spoiled rotten by now. He is such a character.. makes me laugh all the time. Karlee is growing into such a beautiful young lady. Both girls are doing such a wonderful job raising their kids. I'm proud of them. What great mothers they are. Well winter is coming soon and I'm not looking forward to it. You know how I hate winter. You can keep that snow, ice and cold. Give me sunshine all the time. Sunshine makes you feel better. Hate the driveway in the winter too. It's always such a hassle to get it cleaned. My job is going ok. Need more money though. Sure do miss the airline. Would give anything to still have that job. Well maybe not anything... It's Friday and I will have Cole (Bummer Bear) over night. Holly and Bob are heading to camp to close it for the winter. I get to snuggle with him tonight. He's really good for me so I really love having him around. Can't even imagine not seeing Cole or Karlee for weeks or months on end. I'd be having grandkid withdraws.. Cole knows who you are. He points to your picture and says your name. It just breaks my heart that he will never really know you. I know you are watching out for the 2 of them. Keeping them safe. I love you Jess, with all my heart. Loving and missing you every second of every day.
Love you always and forever,
Your best friend,
Your Mama

Hey Jess,

It's just mom again. Today is 4 years and I'm really feeling it. I miss you so much buddy. Nobody knows. I still cry for you every day. Just can't help myself. If I could only hug you one more time. I never got to say goodbye to you and that bothers me so very much. I never had that last bit of time with you. Even at the funeral home with the flood and everything. All I ever wanted was just some time alone with you but it never happened. Everything was so crazy with everything that had gone on. I never got to say my final goodbye to you. I think that will haunt me forever. Just wish I could talk to you and tell you everything. I know you hear me when I talk to you but it's not the same. I'm going to visit you today. Thursday I planted some mums. Hope you like them. If I could only turn back time. I would try and change everything. I love you Buddy with all my heart and soul, always will. You're my special angel. Loving and missing you every second of every day.
Love you always and forever.
Your best friend,
Your Mama

Morning Jess..
Thinking about you all the time. Miss you Buds.. I haven't written lately because there isn't really anything new to tell you. School will be starting soon and Karlee will be in 5th grade. Hard to believe huh? Cole is getting so big. He's all boy with all the energy to go with it. I pick him up at daycare everyday after work. Sometimes he acts like he's 4 instead of 2. Smart as a whip. Gram is doing pretty good but I can see her failing. Not really ready to let go of her yet. Hoping she's around for many more years. Debo isn't doing real good. Have to have a sonogram done on him Monday. He may have cancer. The vet says if that's the case, then we'll just let him live out his life till the pain is to bad. She said surgery is a big waste of money. We'll see after his tests. Right now we know he has a enlarged heart, liver and something wrong with his prostrate. Go figure... never knew male dogs had prostrate trouble. Trying to get the weeds in my flowers caught up. An endless task. Wish I had about 4 of me. We could get it done quick then.. LOL.. Not always feeling the greatest lately. Guess it's just me getting old. Miss you so much. Not a day goes by that your not on my mine. For sure it's the first thing every morning and the last thing every night and so much in between. Gotta go Buds. I'm starting to cry and I'm at work. Not a good place to cry. Loving and missing you every second of every day.
Love you forever and always..
Your best friend,
Your Mama

HAPPY 26TH BIRTHDAY!!!
JESS,
HOPING YOU HAVE A WONDERFUL BIRTHDAY MY BEAUTIFUL SON. I MISS YOU SO VERY MUCH... LOVING AND MISSING YOU EVERY SECOND OF EVERY DAY...
I'LL LOVE YOU ALWAYS AND FOREVER...
YOUR BEST FRIEND,
YOUR MAMA

Hey Jess,
Well I did it. I went to Rich's wedding and made a fool of myself. I was doing so good to Buds. I tried so hard to hold it together. I even did good with the mother and son dance when Holly started to cry. But then it happened. They played "I Hope You Dance" and I lost it, making a complete fool out of myself. I had to leave and I feel really bad about that. I wanted so bad to be strong for you. I really tried Buds. Rich looked so handsome and Nicole was absolutely beautiful. Holly and I sat with Debbi and Roger, Bob and Judy, and Kristen's mom and brother and sister. It was a beautiful wedding and everything was just perfect. Steve was the best man and how he has matured. He looked so handsome in his tux. I'm so very proud of him. Thursday he graduates from med school and is officially Dr. Stutzman. How proud you must be of him. What an honor for Debbi and Roger. They worked so hard putting him thru school. He will be working for about a year at AGH and then back to Albany for 3 more years. I met his girlfriend Anne and she's really nice. She's a Dr. too. What a wonderful life Steve will have. He deserves every bit of it. Lee was in the wedding too. He look really handsome too. And Kristen looked really beautiful. All the girls were in beautiful red gowns. I just feel so bad about leaving. I think I would have been ok if they hadn't played that song. Everytime I hear it on the radio I start to cry and have to turn it off. It just brings back so many memories. I'm sorry Jess, I wanted to represent you so bad at the wedding. I know you were there. You wouldn't miss Rich's wedding for anything. I can just see you now with that big beautiful smile on you face. Just beaming with pride for the boys. I will have to apologize to Rich and Nicole when I see them. I hope I didn't spoil anything for their wonderful day. It was good to see Debbi and Roger too. I haven't seen them in a long time. I know they are just as busy as I am, so it's understandable. Life has to go on even when you don't want it to. I had myself so worked up that I was sick to my stomach all day Sunday and even today when I went to work. But I'm ok now, just feeling really foolish. It was so good seeing Steve. I just wanted to squeeze him so hard. Maybe I will get the chance while he's home. Even if it's only for 5 minutes. Miss all the guys Buds. Really miss them just popping in for a few minutes with you. How I miss you Jess. Just wish it would get easier. Loving and missing you every second of every day.
I'll love you always and forever,
Your best friend,
Your Mama

Morning Jess,
Well it's Mother's Day and my first thought this morning was you. Of course you're always my first thought when I wake up every morning. I miss you so much Buds. I just can't explain how much I still hurt. Not getting any easier that's for sure. I'm going to go out in the yard and work a little this morning until it starts to rain. A little chilly out there too. I've been pretty sick for a few weeks. We all have. This darn flu just keeps going around our family. Next weekend Holly and I are going to Rich's wedding. I hope I can make it thru it. It's going to be really hard seeing all you friends and you not being there. I know my mind will wonder what you would be doing now if you were still here. It's just not fair. I know you will be there wishing Rich the best. You loved all your friends so much. They were your BEST BUDS. The girls and I ran into JayBird and his girlfriend one day in Walmart. He looks great. He's getting married in October. How time flies, I can remember when all of you were still in school and how ornery all of you were. Wish I could go back in time. They were such great days. So many wonderful memories. Cole is getting so funny. You would have him rotten by now. I know you play with him cuz he talks to someone all the time and we can't see who he talking to. He waves his little hand toward the hallway all the time. Just like he's waving to someone. He's just like you Buds, always wanting to be outside. Sure hope he plays baseball. That would be just wonderful. But no matter what he does, it will be ok with me. Karlee is turning into such a beautiful young lady. We had her 10th birthday party and Crystal and Holly bought her a little quad. I watch her riding it around the yard and it brings back so many memories of you when you got your first quad. How I worried about you wrecking on it. But you rode it like a champ. So many wonderful memories of you Buds. We talk about you all the time. There isn't a day that goes by that someone doesn't mention your name. Of course, you're always with me in all my thoughts. Well better get outside before it starts to rain. Trying to get the garden in shape so I can start planting the vegetables. I know you're wishing me a Happy Mother's Day. I miss you so much Buds. Loving and missing you every second of every day.
Loving you always and forever,
Your best friend,
Your Mama

Good Morning Jess,

Well, its Friday morning and I can't wait till I get off of work. We are taking Cole to camp for the first time this year. I'm guessing he is going to have a blast since he loves to be outside all of the time. Mom said that you were the same way. She had to give you your lunch outside on your little picnic table because you wouldn't come in to eat. I packed my video camera so I could film him and show Mom and Gram when I get home. Bob and I are almost done with the bathroom remodel. Wow, was that a mess. Cole and I had to go stay at Mom's for a week while they finished it. I don't think they minded because they got to have Cole around in the evenings. I took Mom and Gram to Phipps for the Spring Flower show for Mothers Day and then out to lunch at Red Lobster. We had such a great time. We all want to to back this summer to see the outside gardens in bloom. I'm also going to take Cole to Idlewile Park this summer. I just wish you were here to do all of these things with us. Mom said that you would have Cole spoiled to death. I'm still not sure if he is going to be a right or left handed. I guess time will tell. Mom and I are going to Rich's wedding next weekend. I'm looking forward to seeing everyone and getting caught up on what they have been up too. I know that they all still think of you often. I hold those boys and all of the memories with them close to my heart. Mom and I want to go to a Pirates game this summer to see the new Ball Park. The Pirates suck so I'm sure we won't have any problems getting tickets. LOL. The Pens are doing great. If we beat the Flyers we are in the Stanley Cup. I might have to break out your Lemieux jersey and wear it for ya. The first game of the series is tonight so hopefully we start out with a win. Well, I have to be going. I'll see you tonight in my dreams.

Love always and forever,

Morning Buddy,
Well it's been a while since I have written to you. It's not that I don't think about you and talk to you everyday. There isn't a day that goes by that you're not with me. I miss you so much Buds. Nobody could even realize how much. Easter is this Sunday and it's another holiday without you. They are so hard sometimes. Cole is getting so big. He reminds me so much of you, looks a lot like you too. He's really beautiful. I guess I should say Handsome but to me he's beautiful. I know you're always playing with him cuz he's always playing with someone that we can't see, but he see you. Are you playing the claw with him, cuz he will run away and giggle just like Karlee used to, them go back for more. Karlee is growing like a weed. Turning into a beautiful young lady. Sometime a little mouthy but you know me Buds. She doesn't get to far with that. Can't wait till spring so I can go work out in the yard. I know you'll make my flowers grow nice this year, you always do. The girls are doing really good. Crystal opened a consignment shop in Carnegie called DejaVu Consignments. She's doing pretty good for only being open a little while. I'm praying it really takes off for her. She needs a good break. Her truck just quit and she's trying to get a new one. I know you and Holly will see to it that she gets one. Holly got a really nice promotion at work. She is now an Assistant Vice President. Pretty impressive huh? I think so. She also got a great bonus from last quarter. I'm so very proud of her. I'm so proud of both girls Jess. I know you're looking out for them. You always did. My new job is really nice. I still miss the airline so much. I'd go back there in a heartbeat if I could. 9 more years and I can retire Buds. Can't wait. Then I can work in my flowers all the time and maybe get a little greenhouse and sell some of my flowers that I start. Sounds like a plan to me, what do you think? Gram is doing pretty good. She'll be 80 this July. I can see her slowing down alot though. Still cooking up a storm. Well Buds, I guess I better be getting back to work. I'll visit you on Easter and Friday I'll bring you some spring flowers. Loving and missing you every second of every day.
Love you always and forever,
Your best friend,
Your Mama

Hey Jess,
It's been awhile since I have written. But then I talk to you all the time so you already know what I've been up to. I miss you still!
Love always Sis

Hey Jess..
It's just mom and writing to you late again. Merry Christmas Buddy.. I had so much company on Christmas day that I didn't get a chance to write you, but you were in my thoughts all day. Miss you so very much. Holidays just aren't the same without you there anymore. It's like everyone has a cloud over them. We had Christmas at our house this year. The girls wanted to come home for Christmas. Little Bummer Bear Cole was so funny. He got the drift of ripping off wrapping paper real fast. He knew that there was a present in side for him. He loves all the lights and the festive decorations. Crystal came over and did most of my decorating for me. She did a beautiful job, the house looks beautiful. It hasen't looked that good since you were there. No lights outside thought. Just the deer, santa and a wreath. Nothing on the house. Maybe someday.... Hope you had a beautiful Christmas with Jesus. We sang happy birthday to Jesus in church on Christmas Eve. Karlee's request of course. I miss you so much Buds. It will never get easier I quess. My heart is broke and nothing can repair that. I know you are watching out for all of us. I feel you with me all the time. Just wish I could hug you again. I'd never let go. Karlee and Cole are getting so big.. Cole is growing so fast and is as smart as a whip. He's going to be just like Holly with the brains. I just know it. Karlee is getting so beauiful. Turning into a little young lady Buds. Boy would you be watching out for the boys with her... lol.. I know you would of had Cole outside with a baseball and bat already. Sure hope he plays baseball... That would be really wonderful. Guess I better be getting back to work Buds. I love and miss you so very much. Loving and missing you every second of every day...

I'll love you always and forever..
Your best friend..
Your Mama

Happy Halloween Buddy...
Well I have so much to tell you. I've been so busy with Gram that I haven't had a free minute to write you. Hawaii was just as beautiful as you always said it would be. The volcanoes Jess were remarkable.. I was walking on the lave fields and talking to you. Saying, "you were right Buds...this is totally awesome, just like you said it would be". Buds, I put the dirt off your grave there and spread it around and guess what? I planted a Buckeye there too. Wouldn't that be great if a Buckeye tree grew in Hawaii!!! It would be the very first Buckeye tree in Hawaii. I just know that if it does grow we will hear about it. It will be on the news of something... I know if it's up to you it will grow for sure. They say that the lave fields have the richest ground in the world. I took your picture with me and showed you all around. I know you were with me.. I could feel you everywhere. You made this trip come true. It was always your dream for you and I to go to Hawaii and see the volcanoes. Well Buds... we made it and it's something I will treasure always. Thank you... Gram is doing pretty good. Another 12 days and she will get her cast off. Then she'll get a walking boot but I know it will still be hard for her to get around for a while. Thanks for the new job too Buds. I know you had a hand in that one too. You knew I couldn't make it with what I was making here. I start the new one on Nov 12th. I'm excited and scared at the same time. Well tonight Toots and Bummer Bear go trick or treating for the first time together. I can't wait to see them. This will be Bummer Bears first time. He won't know what to make of it. Bummer is a Pumpkin and Karlee is a Scarecrow. Karlee can't wait to take Bummer. It will be exciting for everyone. I miss you Buds so very much. I still cry for you everyday and talk to you all day long. I have to go for now Buds. I have to get back to work. Loving and missing you every second of every day.

Love you always and forever..
Your best friend...
Your Mama

Hi Jess,
Well, Mom called me from Hawaii this morning. It was 3:00am there and she was getting ready to go on the plane ride to the volcano today. She is so excited. I know that you are with her today. This was your dream to go see it with her so I hope you both are enjoying yourselves. She took some dirt from your grave and is going to spread it out on the volcano. I'm so happy that she was able to go. Crystal and I are taking care of Grammy. She fell in the yard and broke her ankle. Crystal is staying with her during the week and I stay on the weekends. Cole is getting so big. He loves being outside!!! Hummm I wonder who he takes after. Crystal bought him his Halloween costume this year. He is going as a pumpkin and Karlee is going as a scarcrow. Crystal is making her costume from scratch. I just know she will look so cute in it. Well, have to get back to work. I love you and miss you lots. Keep visiting and playing with Cole. I love you always and forever.

Jesse,
I said a prayer for you by your grave on Friday, September 13, 2007 and as I am typing, I realized it was the 3rd year. I vividly remember all the good times I had with Gram, your mom, sisters and friends as we cheered for you at the baseball games..So Great...So Humble that's how I remember you and your smile ;) Know that you're in my prayers. Love You, Mrs. Morgan
ps. I put the baseball in front of your grave.

Hey Buddy..
Well today is three years since you left us. My heart still aches just as bad for you. I miss you so much Jess. No one could ever know how bad it hurts. I'll be up to see you tonight after work. I bought you some beautiful mums to put on your grave for the fall. The flowers I planted in the spring just never grew nice so I'm going to take them out and plant the mums. Saw Curt last night at Kings. He's Karlee's teacher this year and she loves him. I know you sent me the Hawaii trip Buds. It was the one place that we always wanted to go. I'll take you with me and we'll go see the volcanos together. I just wish you could be with me in person instead of spirit. Gram was in the hospital for a few days and she's still not really feeling herself. I'm getting worried about her Buds. She's really slipping down hill to fast. The girls are fine. You would just love little Bummer Cole. He just crackes me up. Loves to dance... Sure hope he has your athletic talent. Karlee is just as busy as ever. The little social butterfly. Tap, Jazz, ballet and cheerleading keep her really busy. She's really getting beautiful Buds.... Crystal is going to have her hands full with her in a few years. Keep an eye on her Buds. Cole looks just like Holly when she was his age. What beautiful grandbabies I have Buds. I have beautiful kids and beautiful grandbabies. I'm blessed with all the love I have in my life. The girls are so wonderful to me. They're always there for me, no matter what it is. All of our lives will never be whole again Jess without you. There is just a large part missing that can never be replaced... never ever... Have to go Buds and get to work. Loving and missing you every second of every day.
I'll love you always...
Your best friend....
Your Mama

Happy Birthday Berg!! It is really funny that I had a very vivid dream about you last night on your birthday. I guess you just wanted to say hi. I also have some good news for you, after all of that praying to you to help me find a job, it has paid off. I will be heading to Vermont in August to become part of the coaching staff at Middlebury college. I would have never thought I would be in Vermont at this point of my life, but things happen for a reason. I miss you man and I just wanted to thank you for helping me over these past months. Have a wonderful birthday with Jesus and I'll talk to you soon for some more guidance. Nicole also says hi, she is such a wonderful girl and the wedding is 11 months away. Love you and miss you

Happy 25th Birthday Jess..
Just Mom wishing you a HAPPY BIRTHDAY... Gram, Karlee and I just came back from your grave. We put some balloons on and Karlee put a candle on that says 25. I'm hoping your having a great birthday with Jesus. Miss you so much Buds.. It hurts so bad that I can't give you a big birthday hug and some kisses. If I could only hug you once again. That would be the best ever. Someone else was at your grave today and put a balloon on. We don't know who it was but it really made me happy they you were remembered. I'll be back up later to water your flowers. The rain we had didn't do a thing for them so I'll give them a little miraclegrow when I water. Loving and missing you every second of every day.
I'll love you always and forever...
Happy Happy Birthday!!!
Your best friend...
Your Mama

Good Morning Buds,
Well, we took Cole to camp this last weekend. He loved every minute of it. He wasn't to sure of crawling in the grass at first but by the end of the weekend he loved it. His first bithday is coming up soon. I can't believe how fast he is growing. We are going to have his party at Mom's on the deck. I don't think we will have any problems with him putting his hands in the cake. He loves to taste everything you are eating. So far the only thing he doesn't like is peas. He tasted Gram Spaghetti the other day and loved it. Mom's going to watch him tonight while Bob and I go see Natalie off to her first formal dance. She is getting so beautiful. I don't think I could have asked for a better step daughter. Crystal opened up her pool this weekend so I'm going to take Cole swimming sometime this week and see what he does. I bet he is going to be a little fish like you were. I can remember you floating around in that little yellow rubber innertube when you were a baby. You loved it. Sorry I haven't made it up to see you lately but I'll be there on your Birthday. You would have turned 25 this year. Time keeps moving on whether we want it too or not. I still miss you a lot. It doesn't seem to get any easier. I'm still very angry at God for taking you away from us. I guess I'll never understand until I see you again. I miss you always and forever.

Hey Jess,
Well it's the day after Mother's Day and I thought I would just let you know that I missed you so much yesterday. This is the third Mother's Day without you. Just can't believe how fast time goes and nothing is any easier. Nothing is easy without you Buds... The girls came over and really did a lot for me in the yard. That was the best Mother's Day present they could have gotten me. The yard is getting harder and harder each year. Always thought that you would be here to take things over. You always made my yard look like a palace, nobody can every do the weedwacker like you. You never even missed a blade of grass. I guess you always knew how much I loved things to look really nice. Anyways, the girls came over and helped a lot. Little Cole was outside with us and he's afraid of the grass. I just think that's so funny. I remember when you were a little older than him and it was fall and you were afraid of the leaves. You would scream and cry. Cole had to sit on my legs and then he would bend over to touch the grass and pull his little hand back real fast. I know you would have gotten a big kick out of that. He got his first real pair of shoes and when you ask him where his shoes are, he'll lift up his foot and show you. Holly said that he didn't like having shoes on at first. He cried and wanted them off. Now he seems to be getting used to them. Karlee was riding her bike and hit a big rock with the front tire, lost control of the bike and fell off the wall on the driveway. I almost died when I heard where she fell. She could have gotten hurt really bad but I know you were there to catch her. Not a scratch!!! She won the Big Ben contest at school. She'll be meeting Big Ben on Thursday and get his autograph and picture. She said I wish Uncle Jesse was here so he could meet him with me. She said you would be so excited... I know you will be on that stage with her on Thursday because Karlee said you would be there to give her support. What a little ham she is. Jess, she's getting so beauiful. You would be so very proud of both Karlee and Cole. I know you would be taking Cole every where and teaching him to play ball. Keep hoping he has your baseball talent. That would be awesome for him to take after you with baseball. Kate called to wish Gram and I a Happy Mother's Day. It's always great to hear from her. Kristin Coles stopped up also and brought me a beautiful card. What a wonderful person she is. She never forgets me on any holiday. How wonderful for you to have such special friends Buds. She said that next time she comes up she might bring her mom to meet me. I would like that. I'm sure she's a wonderful person like Kristin. I miss you so much Jess, Nobody knows how much pain I'm in. I keep it all inside and pretend that everythings just fine. I'll be fixing your grave probably this weekend. I'll make it nice for you and get you new lights. Yours are broke and I want to get you two new really nice ones. I love you Buddy....always will. Loving and missing you every second of every day. Someday Buds...Someday.
Love you always and forever...
Your best friend...
Your Mama

Hello Buddy,
Well, it's spring again and that means one thing - Baseball! I drove past Dormont Park yesterday and they had just cut the grass and dragged the field. There is nothing like the smell of fresh cut grass on a field. I miss the days when I would get off of work early to catch the last half of one of your games. I keep telling myself that Cole will be out there playing soon. I know that you will be watching over him to make sure he does it right. I look at him sometimes and I see a lot of you in him. He'll be walking soon so I can't wait to take him outside to play in the grass. I can remember pushing you around outside one spring in your new blue Smurf Car in your yellow steeler pajamas. You loved that thing. All I have now are the memories. I just wish things would have turned out different. Well, until I see you again - I love and miss you bunches!

Morning Jess,
Well I'm going to try this again. It seems that the last few times I have tried to write to you the message never makes it to your book and it's not like I've never done this before. Maybe you just reach down and grab it to read and decide to keep it. I'd love to think that. But here goes again.
The last message was about how our Easter went. It was OK. First of all I want to tell you how sorry I am that you got ugly artificial flowers for Easter. The weather was so cold that any live ones would have died. Did you notice? Your dad put a cross on your grave. That's the first and it did make me happy that he remembered. We went to church in the morning and when we came home the girls came over with Karlee and Cole. Karlee was so excited about the Easter Bunny. Pretty soon she won't believe anymore and that will be sad. She's growing like a bad weed. Getting so tall and beautiful Still loves dancing and this year she's going to be a cheerleader. I worry about that alot. I just don't want her to turn into one of the little snobby cheerleaders. You know me Jess.. I'll knock her to the other side of next week if I see her getting that way. I don't want her losing that sweetness and lovingness she has. I know you'll keep an eye on her for us Jess. Cole is gettig bigger and learning more and more everyday. He's crawing now and had a really good time shaking the celephane on his Easter basket. Soon he'll be walking and then look out. He really didn't know what was going on but he loved all the attention and new toys to play with. Can't wait till I can buy him a baseball, glove and bat. Think he's going to be a lefty. You gotta help us with that one Buds. One think for sure, he could make a awesome pitcher.... I know you would be so proud of both of them Jess. You would be taking them everywhere with you showing them off. They would just love you soooo much. You would hear them yelling for a block, "Here comes Uncle Jesse". God I miss you Jess. My heart hurts so much. Everyday is still a struggle. Crying is just part of my daily existing. Kristen Coles stopped over on Easter too. She never forgets a holiday Buds. Easter, Christmas, Mothers Day, Your birthday, or the day you died. She such a beautiful loving person. You had some really awesome friends Buddy. You were blessed...Kristen brought me this beautiful white Orchid. I hope I can grow it and keep it aliive. The last one I had I killed. Think Gram overwatered it though. Went over to Kates for a home interior party. She's so beautiful Jess. She has the most loving and wonderful family. You would have been blessed with a great family Buds. They truly loved you and that makes me so happy. Her place is really adorable. She has a good job now and I pray that her life will be full of love and peace. Miss you Buddy, talk to you all the time. Just wish you could talk back just once. Loved to hear.."Love ya Mama" one more time or get one of your great big hugs. How I miss that Buds. When you died Buddy something in me died too. My drive and determination is missing in my life and I just can't seem to get it back. It's lost, I'm lost. Loving and missing you every second of every day.
I'll love you always and forever.
Your best friend.
Your Mama

PS - hope this one makes it to your book.. I love you!!!

Hey Jess,
It's just mom.. I'm so sorry buddy that I haven't written in so long. It's not that I haven't been thinking about you every day. There's not a day that goes by that you're not on my mind. Still cry for you every day too. Miss you so very much. Everything here is about the same. Nothing really new. Al was just here with his dad. It was so good to see him. He hasn't been home since late August. He looks really good. Driving that big rig all over the United States. He loves it though...He's thinking about buying his own truck. I'm proud of him and he's doing really good for himself. Today was the first time since you left that he's been able to talk about old times you two had. He still can't say you name though. You can see he starts to fill up when he talks about the good times you had together. He loves you Buddy, but you already know that. Cole and Karlee are doing good. Cole is getting so big and had cut a tooth. Karlee is just her little beautiful self. She talks about you often, remembering all the stuff you did together. Saw Kate at Holly's home interior party. She's just as beautiful as ever. Keep praying for her daily. Gotta go now Buds...Gram just came in with a car full of groceries and I have to help her carry them in. I promise I will write you more often. I love you Jess..with all my heart. Loving and missing you every second of every day.
I'll love you always..
Your best friend
Your Mama

Hey Jess,
It's just Mom again... I want to wish you a happy New Year. The girls are coming over tonight so we can all be together for New Years. I think they know that I need them with me tonight. I will probably still be waiting for your call though. Just wish Heaven had a phone so I could talk to you. Lee stopped over yesterday. It was really good to see him. He said he had a dream about you and you told him you were proud of him. I know that would be something you would say to him. I know you are with all of your friends always. You're watching over them and making sure that they make all the right decisions. You always did watch out for everyone. Your heart was as big as the world and you truly loved everyone. I miss you Buds...I always will. The girls and Gram miss you so much also. They have their days when it's really hard for them to get thru without you. I talk to you everyday and I will always kiss you goodnight. Thanks for being with me on Friday when I had to take one of my big tests at work. I got the highest grade in the class and I know that you and Jesus were with me thru the whole thing. It was really hard but I did it. We will all be thinking about you tonight Buds..just be with us all and watch over your friends and Kate so they all have a safe and happy New Years eve. Loving and missing you every second of every day.
Happy New Year my beautiful son...
Loving you forever and always..
Your best friend..
Your Mama

Hey Buds..
So how did your Christmas go? Our's was ok. We all went to Crystals for the day. Karlee was all excited and Cole sat there and ripped his paper apart. It was so cute. I missed you so much. I was kind of sad most of the day and I know everyone noticed. I try not to let it show but sometimes I don't hide it to well. I'm just glad that it's over till next year. The girls got me some really nice gifts and we had Grams Trumpet refurbished from the fire. She started to cry when she opened it. She even played it a little for Karlee and it made everyone happy. Hope your Christmas was beautiful and you were happy. I went to visit you in the morning before I went to Crystals. I cleaned all the leaves off your grave and cried my heart out. I miss you Buddy...It still hurts so bad...We went to Aunt Flo's in the evening and I came home early.. Had to go to work this morning... Tell me something Jess...was it you that found Karlee's GameBoy? We just can't figure out how is got back into the case when it wasn't there before. I know you watch over all of us, especially Karlee and Cole. If it was you Buds...I just want you to know how happy you made Karlee. She was so upset because she thought she lost it. Miracles do happen and I really believe you have a lot to do with them. So that was my day... Loving and missing you every second of every day.
I'll love you always and forever...
Your best friend..
Your Mama

Merry Christmas Jess,
Well Buds, It's Christmas Eve day and I'm missing you really bad. Wishing you were here to be with us on Christmas. It's just not the same anymore without you. Karlee is really excited about Santa coming and Cole doesn't know what it's all about yet....but he will real soon. Everything is done for tomorrow and we'll be going over Crystals so make sure you're with us there. Just no spirit anymore. If it wasn't for Karlee and now Cole it would be just another day. I know it's Jesus's birthday and that's the true meaning but being with family is so very important and part of my family is missing. I put your Grave blanket on and it's beautiful. That's all I can ever give you anymore and that really hurts. I know you will be with us in spirit but if I could just hug you real hard tomorrow, that would be the best Christmas gift I could every get. Everyone ask what I want for Christmas...how do I tell anyone that there is nothing anyone could get me that would make me truly happy...I want you back and that can never be.... That would be a true miracle from heaven. I'll write to you later on and let you know how Christmas went. Just be there with us Buds...let us feel you with us tomorrow. I love you Buddy....so very much. Loving and missing you every second of every day.
I'll love you always..
Your best friend..
Your Mama

Good Morning Jess,
Just wanted to say I love you... Miss you Buddy so very much. Well I started my new job last Monday. It's OK I guess. It will never be the airlines. I loved my job there and after so many years it just seems odd to be going someplace else to work. The money isn't that great either, but I guess that's life Buds...good things just don't seem to last very long. Things here have been OK. Nothing new to tell you. Cole is getting so big.. He's such a beautiful and good baby. Always smiling just like you. He has that big beautiful smile just like you. You have no choice but to smile back at him and you just want to squeeze him so hard. Karlee is in the Nutcracker again this year. I went to see her last Sunday and I'm going again tonight. She plays a little boy at the Christmas party and a snowball fighter and ice skater this year. She's just as adorable as ever. She loves being in plays and her dancing. I know you're watching everyone from heaven but I can't help but wish everyday that you were still here. I would love to see your big beautiful smile again. I would hug you so hard and never let you go. Still cry for you everyday Buds. It's just a part of my everyday life. Christmas is just right aroung the corner. I'm not looking forward to it at all. If it wasn't for Karlee and Cole things around here would be very boring. Karlee is so excited and I can't wait till Cole realizes what it's all about. I already told Holly that next Christmas when Cole's 18 months old, I'm buying him a wiffle ball bat and ball and a plastic glove. Just like you had at that age, remember Buds??? You carried that ball, bat and glove everywhere you went. Maybe Cole will take after you. I know if you were here he would know all about sports before anything else. Maybe you could send down some of your talent for him. I ordered your pine grave blanket. I'll be putting it on your grave probably tomorrow after church. Have to keep you warm for the winter Buds. That's all I have left to buy you for Christmas. I love you Jess...Loving and missing you every second of everyday...
I'll love you always..
Your best friend..
Your Mama

Hi Buds,
Well, another Thanksgiving has passed and I found myself looking around the house wishing you were there with us. Mom went out and bought a high chair for Cole so he could sit with us at the table and he ended up sleeping right through dinner. He is getting so big. Each day he learns something different. He loves watching football and hockey. I'm going to do my best to make sure he is good at sports. I think he is going to be a lefty. Teaching him how to bat is going to be a challenge. I know that you will be there with me the whole time. I miss you so much. There is not a day that goes by that I don't think of you. Well, watch over Cole and remember I love miss and love you always and forever.

Hey Buddy..
I just want to wish you a very happy Thanksgiving. I missed you so much today. No matter how hard I try I just can't seem to enjoy holidays anymore. I just don't know what to do anymore Buds...I miss you so much...Hope your Thanksgiving was wonderful in Heaven. Loving and missing you every second of every day.
I'll love you always and forever..
Your best friend..
Your Mama

Good Morning Jess..
I'm so sorry that it's been so long since I last wrote to you. There is no excuse for it at all. I do go visit you alot though. I did get a job but only lasted 4 days. I just hated the place and the people, but you already know that. So I'm out looking again. I'll find something soon or just work 2 small paying jobs. You know me Buds...I don't quit. Last week the girls took me to Benehana's for my birthday. It was really nice but you were missing. That always puts a sadness on all the special occasions. I miss you so much. There is not a day that goes by that I don't think and cry for you. I guess that's the way it will always be. Thanksgiving is coming soon and that's always one of the hardest because it's your favorite holiday. This week I'll put a nice fall arrangement on you grave for Thanksgiving. Then it will be time for Christmas...Oh how I hate the holidays....I just wish we could just skip over them completely. But I guess that wouldn't be fair to everyone else and to Karlee and Cole. Speaking of those two. I know you are just smiling away down on them. Aren't they just the two most precious little ones you every saw? Cole is growning like a little weed and getting so cute, and Karlee is just getting so beautiful. She loves her dancing. Maybe she'll be another Jamie with her dance. Do you have anything to do with that??? Maybe so.... I guess you know that your Pap passed away. He's probably up with you and the two of you are just having a good time watching all of us. I miss and love you so much Buds...just keep watching out for all of us. We need you to do that. I would give anything to just hug you or talk to you just one more time. There's so much I need to say to you with you looking at me. Maybe someday....Loving and missing you every second of every day....
I'll love you always and forever..
Your best friend...
Your Mama

Hi Buddy,

Sorry it has been so long since I have written. I have been very busy taking care of Cole. I just wish that he could have met you. I know that he would have just loved you. I can't believe it's been two years. I can't say that they have been easy without you. I just feel like something is always missing in my life. Well, I'll be leaving soon to come bring you some flowers. I love and miss you always.



Love always and Forever,

Holly

Good Morning Buddy,

Well today is 2 years since you left. My heart is still just as empty as ever. They say that time heals but I don't believe that. I hurt just as much today as the day you left, maybe even more. I miss you so much Buds...No one will ever know. I still cry for you everyday. I just can't help it. I'm going to get ready soon and go visit you and bring you flowers. I'll just sit and talk to you for a while. I still keep asking why Buds. I will never understand it for as long as I live. I just feel like I was cheated in losing you. I know you were. Maybe someday I will get the answer. You would be so proud of Karlee and Cole. Cole is getting so big..growing like a weed. He's such a good baby...Holly is blessed... Karlee is such a beautiful little girl. She misses you a lot too. Talks about you all the time. She always wants something of yours to keep in her room. I will make sure that Cole knows all about you. I know Holly will too. I know you would be showing off your niece and nephew to everyone. How proud you would be...and they would just love you soooo much. How could they help not to??? The other day Holly and I were working in the yard and we found one of your plastic hockey players in the dirt. We think that it was one that was on a birthday cake. I brought it in the house and cleaned it up. I'll keep it with all you stuff. Your room is still as you left it. I haven't been able to go thru your things yet. Maybe someday....Loving and missing you every second of every day...

I'll love you always and forever..

Your best friend

Your Mama

Hi Jess,

I love dreaming of you because it is just like it used to be. The way you used to look at me and your smile.... so nice to see. I don't think anyone looks at me the way you did. I miss you so much and think of you always. You will always hold a big piece of my heart. You cross my mind everyday and I keep thinking what it would have been like. Just to think about you I guess. I'm so sorry.

LOVE

Maria Gross

Morning Jess..

Today you have been gone 22 months but it seems just like yesterday. My heart is really heavy and sad. I miss you so much Buddy...No one will ever know how I hurt. Sometimes the pain just over takes me. Ronnie's mom passed away and we went to the funeral home to see her. All of your friends were there. They all hugged me and it was so good to see all of them. Steve told me he wore your shirt to take his first board test. He said he needed a little of you with him that day. You would be so proud of him...he only has 2 more years of med school left and is doing wonderful. I look at all your friends and see how much they have matured and can't help but wonder where you would be today. Where ever it would have been Buds, I know that you would make me so very proud of you. I miss you so much....it's just so very hard to be without you. Kate and Jill came up to see baby Cole on Saturday. Kate is just as beautiful as ever. We were talking about how many kids you two would of had. A whole baseball team....Baby Cole is already growing so fast. Changing every day...Holly is so happy. She's even talking about having another baby. Can you believe that one....the person who said she would never have any kids...You would be so proud to be an uncle again. I know you would be teaching Cole everything. Karlee has grown into a beautiful loving little girl. I know you would be taking her everywhere and showing her off. Oh God Buds...I miss you. My life will never be the same again. I will never understand why you had to leave. I love you so much. Loving and missing you every second of every day.

I'll love you always and forever

Your best friend

Your Mama

Hey Jess,

Missin you alot lately. Not a day goes by that I don't think of you! We celebrated Gram's birthday at the house this year. Bob blew up the yard with fireworks and I caught myself wishing you where here. Karlee has finally learned to ride a two wheeler and is loving every minute of it. Tonight is the opener of the All-Star games here in Pittsburgh. Wish you could be here to see it! We would have been down town paying an arm and leg buying tickets off the scalpers. I'm still umping but I had to retire your face mask... It's seen better days. But I know you are still by my side and rolling around on the bases when I make a bad call. Hey I'm only human!! Well Buddy until I can steal a quiet moment to write you I'll be seeing you in my dreams!

Love always...Sis

Morning Buddy..

Happy 4th of July....The girls are coming over today for a little cookout and to celebrate Grams birthday. It's raining outside so I don't know how the day will turn out. You will be so greatly missed at the badmitten game. You were always so competative. How I miss that. You and the girls fighting over bounderies and shots. I used to laugh and laugh at the three of you. There is not a holiday that goes by that something special you did wasn't funny. Holidays just aren't the same with out you Buds, nothing is the same without you. You made everything special in your own way. That big empty hole will always be in my heart. I love you Buds....so very very much. Loving and missing you every second of every day.

I'll love you always and forever

Your best friend

Your Mama

Morning Buddy..

Well baby Cole was born on June 18th at 11:40 AM. Seven days after your birthday. Holly had a hard time and they had to take him C-section. Then they had to take Cole to Magee Hospital because his bilirubins were way to high. He finally came home on Friday but his levels are still high. He has to be on a bili light 24 hrs a day. Hopefully they will come down so he doesn't have to go back into the hospital again. Holly is really worried but I keep telling her that you're with him and everything will be fine. He's really beautiful Buds, but you already know that. I know you are there with Hol and Cole all the time. Holly said that he has real long fingers so her can hold a baseball real good. You know if I have anything to do with it, he will play baseball. Praying that he has your talent for the game and he will finish what you had started but got cheated out of. I miss you Buds.....When I hold Cole it brings back so many memories of you when you were born. He's a good baby just like you were. Just keep him safe and watch over him always Buddy, just like you do with the rest of us....We're counting on you....I just wish that you were here in person to see him. I know you would be so proud of him. You finally have a nephew!!! Karlee just loves him. She couldn't wait till he was born. Loves to hold him....I just keep thinking of all the wonderful things you could teach him. Sports..Sports..Sports. How wonderful that could have been. Maybe you will teach him all those things from Heaven...I pray that you do. May heart hurts for you Buds...I wish you were here....Loving and missing you every second of every day...

I'll love you always and forever...

Your best friend

Your Mama

Happy Birthday Buddy...

Today is you 24th birthday. I'm struggling thru today but I will make it. My heart is very sad. At 12:40 am I was thinking about the very first time I ever saw you. I thanked God then for you and that you were fine. When they had to take you with an emergency C section because your heart stopped and you stopped breathing, I was scared to death that you would die or have something wrong with you. But you were perfect and I knew than that you were God's child. He spared your life so many times when you were growing up, so I could have you and love you. You were a miracle child from the time of your birth. I miss you so much Buds...I'll come and visit you today and bring you flowers and a balloon for your birthday. I just wish I could hug and kiss you for your day. I have to go Buds...crying to hard.. Loving and missing you every second of every day.

Happy 24th Birthday

Loving you always and forever

Your best friend

Your Mama

Morning Buddy..

It's Sunday morning and I didn't go to church today. Wasn't feeling to well this morning. Yesterday Gram and I went and made your grave look really pretty. I hope you like it. We did all 11 graves yesterday but I think your's is the nicest and I did it first. I miss you so much. Holly had a dream the other day that you were outside in her back yard teaching Cole how to play baseball. Are you telling us that he's going to be a baseball player like you? I hope so. Talked to Curt the other day. It was good to talk to him. He misses you too Buds. Kristin Cole stopped up on Mothers Day and brought me a beautiful flower and a card. She's such a sweetheart. Everything is going good for her but you already know that. She looks great also. It was so sweet of her to remember me. Nobody knows how much that means to me when your friends think of me. You have wonderful friends Buds and they all love and miss you very much. Even your friend Spanky looks after your grave everyday. He always tells me not to worry that he will make sure everything is ok with your grave. That means alot knowing someone is looking out for you at the cemetery. This hole in my heart just seems that it will never heal. It's just a big empty spot. I love you Jess...so very very much. I don't think I will every understand any of this. Loving and missing you every second of every day.

I'll love you always

Your best friend

Your Mama

Good Morning Buds..

I miss you. Today is 20 months but it still feels just like yesterday. My heart hurts so bad! Time just keeps going. Last Saturday was Hollys baby shower. It was beautiful. She got so many beautiful things and she was just beaming all over. We all can't wait till the baby is born. I'm so glad that it's a boy and I know you are too. I know you will be watching over him all the time. Crystal has Karlee in counceling. She's just not dealing with you being gone. They even bought her a dog to try to keep her mind occupied. She cries for you all the time. You were so close to her and she loved you so very much. Gram and I will be getting the flowers for your grave on Monday. We'll be buying flowers for all the graves to make them all look pretty. But I will make sure that your's is the best, I always do. Kate was at Hollys shower. She looks beautiful as ever. She graduated college and is now looking for a job. I pray she finds what she's looking for. I know you will see she gets it too. Miss you so much Buds. I still cry for you everyday. You are what I think about the first thing in the morning and the last that I think about before I go to bed. I kiss you goodnight everynight. I just have this huge hole in my heart. Loving and missing you every second of every day.

I'll love you always

Your best friend

Your Mama

Good Morning Jess,

I just wanted to wish you a Happy Easter. I know it's a day late but I couldn't get on line yesterday. I tried all day but with no luck. Miss you Buds.... It was an OK Easter. Karlee enjoyed it though. Easter Bunny was good to her as usual. Put some really pretty tiny Daffodils on your grave. When they die I will plant them so they come up again next year. Holidays just aren't the same anymore. They are just a huge reminder that you're not here with us. To painful for me. I know I have to get beyond all this but I just can't. Clyde Woods brought me a beautiful Easter Lily. He bought it in rememberance of you at the church. It was so wonderful of him to do that. It made me feel really good that people still remember you. I will plant it in the yard next to your bench in my flower garden. It will bloom every year in your rememberance. My heart hurts Jess. I miss and love you so much. Just wish I could talk to you and hug you again. May be someday.....Loving and missing you every second of every day....

I'll love you always

Your best friend

Your Mama

Hey Buddy,

It's just mom again. Just want to let you know that I haven't forgotten you. Still don't know where the time goes. Just wish the pain would ease up some. I don't think it ever will. I hurt as bad today as I did on September 13, 2004. Kate will be graduating college in a couple of days. I know that you're proud of her...I am. She's very special. Everything here is about the same. Only 9 more weeks and Holly will be having the baby. Crystal's having shower for her on May 6th. I know you will be there with us even though it's for girls only, I know your love will be with her. I'm hoping that Cole (that's what Holly's naming the baby) will have your athletic ability. I miss the ball field Buds.... Crystal and Karlee are fine too. Karlee still talks about you all the time. She misses you so much. The other day I was cleaning in your room and she was all excited when I gave her a few of your things. She took a picture of you when you were about her age, and took it to school to show everyone. She's so proud of you. Just like the rest of us. God Buds I miss you. No one could even imagine how much. I pretty much keep it all inside. I love you Jesse...so very much. Loving and missing you every second of every day.

I'll love you always

Your best friend

Your Mama

Hey Jess,

How are you today? Missing you so very much today. Today is 18 months and it still hurts just as bad. Went to the cemetary today to see you. Put your spring wreath on. We're supposed to get a bad storm later today, I hope it doesn't blow it off. I'll go tomorrow to check. Well Buds...I'm finished with day school. Passed everything with all A's. Are you proud of me? I still have 8 weeks of night school to go to, but that won't start till April. Hoping I can find a good job out of all of this. Wish you were here so I could talk to you. I need you to hug me and say"We're going to be ok Mama". You always made me feel so much better when you said that. Even when you were little and didn't have a clue as to what was going on. I'm still trying Buds. It's just so very hard and it hurts so bad. It's just not fair.....Loving and missing you every second of every day....

I'll love you always

Your best friend

Your Mama

Hey Buddy..

Just wanted you to know that I didn't forget about you on Valentines Day. Sorry it took me so long to write you. I have been working really hard at school and had to do a lot of research for a project that I have to have finished by next Friday. I put a heart wreath on your grave and Karlee and I took up 2 little bears for Valentines Day. I just wanted you to know this from me but I know you see everything I put there. I only have 2 more weeks of school left. Sure went fast Buds. Thanks for being with me for every test. All A's Buds....thanks to you. My final project is going to be really special. It's about baseball and I'm dedicating the project to you. I know you'll like it when it's done. I know it's you putting all these baseball facts into my head. I don't know where else they would come from...I sure don't know this stuff. Had to call Roger the other day though...couldn't for the life of me get the teams from T-ball on up straight. Just haven't decided which picture of you to put in it yet. I'll probably be finishing most of it this weekend so I'll decide then. Little Donnie gave me the programs to work on it at Crystals. That was a huge help cuz I know I would never get it finished at school. I miss you Buddy....so very very much. Wish I could hug you again. My heart aches for a hug. Holly is feeling better...morning sickness is gone. Crystal is getting a shower together for her. Before you know it, the little baby will be here. It does give me something good to look forward to. I only wish you could be here too. I'm still trying Buds....really I am. It's just so very hard. Still cry every day and kiss you goodnight every night. Loving and missing you every second of every day.

Love you always

Your best friend

Your Mama

Hey Buddy,

Well Buds, the Steelers won the Super Bowl this year. I know you already know that but I wanted to tell you anyways. Just wish that you could have been here in person to see it. I would have loved to see the excitement in your face. You always wanted to see them win a Super Bowl. I know that you would have either thrown a huge party or driven to Detroit for the party. I can only imagine your excitment. Holly and I put a Steeler Football Balloon on your grave on Saturday. I just had to put something Steeler with you for the Super Bowl. You would want that and there was no way I could let it go by without you having something Steelers with you. This whole football season has been rough on me. I watch the games and have your picture right on the coffee table facing the TV so you can watch it with us. I miss you calling every flag before anyone on TV calls it. There's so much I miss about you Buds. Nobody will ever know. I see Holly told you the baby is a boy. What a special gift he will be. We will all make sure that he knows his Uncle Jesse and what a wonderful person you are and how much you would have loved him. I'm with Holly, I hope he has your athletic ability. Somehow I just know he will. You will see to it!!!! Another Baseball player in the making. Whatever sport he chooses, I know you will see to it that he's the best there is. I miss you so very much. You are with me everyday. Loving and missing you every second of every day.

Love you always!!

Your best friend

Your Mama

Hi Buddy,

You have been on my mind a lot lately. We found out that the baby is going to be boy. I know you already know that because I think you had something to do with that. My prayers were answered. It will be good for all of us to have a little boy running around. I know that you will be there guiding and looking over him like you do with Karlee. I'm hoping he has Bob's body, my brains, and your athletic ability. I saved one of your baseball gloves and if he plays I was hoping you wouldn't mind if I gave it to him to use. I oil it every so often to keep it from dry rotting. Crystal is busy planning the baby shower. She is so excited to be an Aunt. I guess she will spoil him like we spoiled Karlee. It's her way of getting back at us. I'm going to do the nursery in a frog theme. There are days that I get so scared thinking that I'm going to be a Mom. I don't want to be too strict but then I don't want him to get away with too much. I'm just hoping that the practice you and Al gave me will come in handy. Well, I have to get going. I love and miss you always and forever.

Hey Buddy

Just thinking about you alot today. Not that I don't think about you alot everyday, but today you're really there all the time. It's 16 months and I'm still crying everyday for you. I guess this is how it's going to be for the rest of my life. I ran into a guy at the credit union today that I worked with a long time ago. He came up and hugged me and the first question he asked was how were you doing? He felt so bad when I told him. He started to cry. See Buds... that's just how much I talked about you all the time. He even remembered your name. I always talked about all of you kids. Everyone knew how proud I was of the three of you. I just wish I could turn back time. I would make sure that things turned out differently. Maybe I could get me back. Holly goes on Monday to get her sonogram....maybe we'll know what the baby is. Hoping for a little boy....that would be wonderful. But no matter what it is, we will love it with all our hearts. She's feeling a little better lately, morning sickness is going away. I'm glad, having a baby is such an exciting time and it's hard when you're sick all the time. Karlee misses you so much. She's still having a hard time with you not being around. She talks about you all the time and then she'll start to cry. I just don't know what to do to help her. Maybe we'll have to get her some counseling or something. I just don't know. Had a flat tire on the way to school today. It went flat just as I pulled into the school parking lot. I know you were watching out for me. Making sure it didn't happen on the parkway. You're always there Buds...I know it. Just wish you could talk to me just once. Loving and missing you every second of every day.

Loving you always

Your best friend

Your Mama

Happy New Year Jess...

It's New Years Day morning and you are heavy on my mind. I missed your call last night Buddy. I miss your call every day. Hope you had a wonderful new years in heaven. I'm trying Buddy, really I am. Sometimes I just don't know how to go on without you. Loving and missing you every second of every day.

I'll love you always and forever

Your best friend

Your Mama

Just thinkin about you and how much we all miss you..love forever and always..<3 ME

Happy New year

Hey Buddy..

Well it's the day after Christmas and I'm sorry that I didn't write you on Christmas. I was just to upset to do it. Karlee had a wonderful Christmas and Santa was really good to her. When she called in the morning she was so happy and said that she got a lot of presents and Santa didn't leave her any coal either. It was so funny. I guess she really thought she was going to get coal. How was your Christmas? I hope it was a wonderful celebration. It was hard for me to get through it. After church we went to Crystals and everyone was there. Karlee was happy. Then I went to see you and came home. Later in the evening we all went to Aunt Flo's. It was ok I guess. I just wasn't in any celebrating mood. I couldn't wait to just come home and go to bed. Just wanted the day to end. When we came home from Crystal's, there was a present at the door from Debbie, Roger and Steve. It was an ornament that said Merry Christmas from Heaven. It really touched me deep. I will put it on your tree. It will look beautiful there. I was just sorry that we missed them. Debbie said they will try to stop over later in the week before Steve goes back to school. I would love to see them. Rich DeMaio also callled to wish me a Merry Christmas. It was really good to here from him too. All of your friends are very special to me Buds. I don't know it they know it or not, but they are. They are all a part of you. Well Buds, guess I will go for now. Just feeling a little sad right now. I promise to talk to you later. Loving and missing you every second of every day.

I'll love you always and forever

Your best friend

Your Mama

Goodmorning Jesse..

It's Christmas Eve morning and I'm missing you so very much. I'm just feeling so very empty inside. The little bit of gifts I bought are wraped, mostly for Karlee, but I have a sense of a large void. No presents for you Buds....just a pine blanket for your grave. I did buy you another ornament for your tree. It's a little angel boy. It even looks like you when you were little. How am I supposed to go from buying you presents for so many years to getting you nothing. I kept putting off going shopping because looking at all the beautiful mens clothes that you would look so great in just tore me apart. I guess people thought I was a little crazy when I would stand in the mens department and just touch some of the clothes and cry. I'm having a really hard time of it this Christmas. I think everyone is Buds. Karlee's been crying a lot for you lately. She was upset because you weren't at her school concert. Crystal tried to tell her you were there in spirit but she said she couldn't see you. She misses you so much, we all do. Tonight I'll go to church and I'm praying that you will be with me there. I need you so very much to be with me. I'm still so very angry inside....I'm angry with God too Buds..even though I know I shouldn't be. I just don't know why He let all those terrible things happen to you. I guess I never will know. I really cried when I heard they opened the Crazy Horse Saloon in Great Southern Shopping Center. A western bar with a mechanical bull. I kept remembering how you wanted to go to Butler to ride the bull out there. You were so excited about it but never got the chance to go. I'm hoping that one of your friends will go and ride the bull in Bridgeville for you. Just get on the bull and say THIS RIDE IS FOR YOU JESS.....I'd do it myself if my back wasn't hurting so much. I'll even let them borrow your cowboy hat to do it. So many things you wanted to do but never got the chance. It's just not fair and I'm so angry for it all. Sometimes I scare myself with all this anger. I love you so much Buddy....I always will and I know I will never get over losing you. My heart hurts so much. I hope you have a wonderful Christmas with Jesus, celebrating his birthday. We will try to have a good one here on earth without you. Praying you will be with us all. Missing and loving you every second of every day. Love you always...

Your best friend

Your Mama

Hey Buddy...

It's just me again. I just got finished putting up your tree. The JESSE TREE. Karlee helped me get all of your ornaments out of the boxes. She was loving every one of them. Crystal put the bows on. You know me and bows...it's always a fight and anyways Crystal does them so beautiful. I cried as I was putting on your ceramic ornaments that you made when you were 5. It's funny, I can remember you sitting at ceramics with me just painting away. You were so proud of everything that you made. You had paint everywhere but you were having fun. I can remember you picking each color for every one of them. They had to be special. You made everyone something for Christmas that year in ceramics. Gram still has the little gray seal that you made her. It was in her china closet and it survived the fire. I saw your beautiful Kate on Monday at Crystals Home Interior party. She's just a precious and beautiful as ever. I could just hug her to pieces. Soon she'll be graduating college. I'm so proud of her...and I know you are. I know you're watching over her and guiding her along. I miss you Buds...my heart is so very heavy this Christmas. I'm just hurting so bad. I don't even have one gift bought yet. I have no desire to even go out and buy anything. I know I have to but my heart is just not in it. For some reason this Christmas is so much worse than last. Maybe I was still in denial last year. I don't know. I just think of you all the time. Crying is just in my daily routine. On Wednesday the 14th, we will be celebrating Holly's birthday. I know it's a day early but we have to work around Karlee's schedule. She will be with her dad on the 15th and she would be crushed if she wan't there. You know how she loves birthday partys. Wasn't she just perfect in the Nutcracker? She told me that you were there to see her and I truly believe her. I know you are with all of us all the time, just wish I could hug you one more time or you could talk to us. I think that would give me so much peace. You died to young my beautiful son. It's just not fair no matter how I try to look at it. I'm really struggling Buds but you know that. I put your Pine Blanket on your resting place on Thursday. I ordered if from Fred and the little stinker Crystal snuck down and paid for it. It's beautiful, Fred always makes your blankets nice. He really liked you alol. I'll be putting your wreath on this week so I'll be back up to spend some time with you. You are in my thought and prayers every day. Loving and missing you every second of every day. I love you my wonderful baby boy, I will forever...

Love you always

Your best friend

Your Mama

Uncle Jesse,

I love you. I miss you Uncle Jesse.

DeBo misses you too. Happy Thanksgiving. Hope it is a good one with Jesus.

Good Morning My Precious Angel,

It's Thanksgiving morning, I just got the turkey in the oven. This will be the second Thanksgiving that your not here with us. I'm feeling so very low... There will never be another holiday that will be completely happy. Part of us will always be missing. Your plate will be set at our table Buds...it always will be. Karlee wants to take your place at saying the blessing. She's practicing a special prayer. I don't think that anyone can ever say grace as moving as you did. You always were the Grand Speaker!!!! You could always fine the right words for any occassion. My wonderful son, you always made me proud, always...you still do. My heart swells with pride when anyone speaks of you or the wonderful things that you did. I don't think the pain will ever go away. Everyday is a struggle for me to get thru. I still wait for you to come home and always ask WHY LORD!!! I know someday I will see you again and I won't need to have that answer. But for now...I wish I did.. I wish I could make some sense out of all of this. Why did God take my beautiful precious son...a person who never hurt anyone and only always tried to help people. It's said that God only takes the good but He could have left you here with us a little longer. I'll be taking flowers to your resting place today. I know the cold will kill them fast but I will never forget to honor you for any holiday. Enjoy your Thanksgiving with Jesus Buddy....we will miss you being with us. Watch over us always...we need you!!! Loving and missing you every second of every day.

LOVE YOU ALWAYS.

Your best friend

Your Mama

Hi Jesse,



I'm having a rough day today. You have been on my mind a lot lately. I guess it's because the holidays are coming around again. I don't know if this will every get easier. I feel like I always have a void in my life without you. I was unpacking a box in my basement this past weekend and pulled out the sheet and comforter set I bought for you when you used to sleep over my house in North Fayette all the time. I started to cry because you were the last person to sleep on those sheets. I remember you coming over on the weekends and spending so much time with me. You tried to teach me how to play football on the video game. You would kick my butt by 100 points and laugh. I miss the little things. I miss you coming over and raiding my frig, making me cook you steak at midnight, ordering milkshakes everytime we went out to dinner, the friday night lights, the smell of the baseball field. I miss everything... I miss you and I love you always and forever.

Hey Jess,

I't just Mom again...I just want to thank you for what you did for me today. I know you were with me today when I took my final in my one class at school. You knew that I was having another one of my attacks and I couldn't see anything on my test or comprehend one word of it. But....with you and Jesus helping me, I passed it with an A. I almost fell off the chair when I got my test back. I knew I didn't answer any of those questions because I couldn't read any of them. All the words were a big blurr... I thought I failed the test. I prayed all the way to school to you and Jesus to help me today. I was sick all weekend, lost my vision and was so dizzy. I knew there was no way I was able to take that test with out help. Thank both of you soooo very much.... I knew you were with me...after the test I went outside behind the building and cried and I felt you out there with me. It was like you were saying, you're going to be OK Mama.....and I was. God I miss you Buddy....Yesterday was 14 months....How can that be??? It just doesn't seem that long...I feel like my life is standing still and the rest of the world is just moving around me...Loving and missing you every second of every day.

Love you always

Your best friend

Your Mama

hey jess i been thinking about u alota lately....its hard ya kno....ur not here...everything seems worthless now...it really does...i thought u kno maybe after some tyme passed things would get better.....but there rilly not...holidays seem worthless...i try ta hide the pain n keep everyone laughing like me n u used to do....but its hard with out u....i cant do it by myself anymore....i try ta hide my feelings n act like nothing is wrong but rilly all i am doing is lieing to everyone....it was really nice tha other day....me and my friend heather was out walking around n i was telling her how when ever fall time came around how u used to go dig holes in tha yard n cover them with stix n leaves and some how made me fall in them lol....u kno wut i realized u put me in some real dangerious situations lol but i didnt care because me n you always had SOOOO much fun....lol we would be outside playing ALL DAY till our parents would make us come in....n then we would go ta grams n have her make stuff for us lol...wow i miss you so much jesse its not even questionable...i gotta tattoo for you...its on mah leg its tha praying hands holding a cross with a banner on the bottom with your name and dates in it.....so that way NO MATTER WHAT you are always right there by my side.....i also broke up with mike...everyone is happy....but i miss him...ya kno my first love n stuff....but thats how life goes i guess....i also have shirts with your picture on it...and i even got a real pretty dogtag made for you to....u kno its still hard ta believe its been a year n 2 months already...and it only feels like yeasterday that i lived in your basement lol and me and you would sit up alll night long watching TV n just talking about how its funny how things work out and just life its self....and all tha secrets we shared with eachother...its funny.....some times when i jus hide in my room to get away from people i swear i can hear u laugh...u kno that dorky laugh u had were u would be laughin so hard nothing would come out but a couple funny sounds...i miss u jess i wanna see u again so bad....even if it was just for 5 mins for u ta call me a dork and hold my arms behind my back like u used to lol....i found sum funny pics of u...there is one with u my dad and buck lol and my dad had his hair in pigtails and u have a headband around u head and u were sittin in my dads blue chair with buck on ur lap hahaha.....u were o goofy...and when me and you got togerher we would always get yelled at lol cuz we were "bad" lol....its funny...how things turn out....jus be there for us jesse please...and help my dad....he crys everynight over you....n says that everyone is leaving him (talking about me and you)...but im going now jess....before i start crying but i love you 4 ever!!! save a spot next to you for me in heaven....

Morning Buds..

Just Mom again....I wanted to tell you that the girls had a birthday party for me yesterday (Saturday). It was really nice. They bought me great presents and the most beautiful cards ever. Holly got the cake and it was delicious. Toots gave me a vase of roses with a balloon attached that said Happy Birthday. I was suprised because I had said that I didn't want anything...just leave the day go by cuz it's getting that I hate my birthday. But it was nice Buds....just wish that you could have been there. I know you were in spirit but I would just love to see you again in person. It was a really beautiful day yesterday too. I had all the doors open to let the fresh air in. I'm dreading winter coming. Everything has to be so closed up to keep the cold out. That makes me feel sad. I love sunshine and fresh air. I guess I just feel really close to you when it's beautiful and sunny out. It makes me feel that you're smiling down and touching the earth. I miss your beautiful smile Buds. How you would make me laugh till my stomach hurt. I always laugh hard when we talk about something crazy that you would do....Last night we were talking about when you tied up your MY BUDDY doll, put him in a garbage bag, duck taped the bag all up and put it in your bedroom closet. When I asked you why it was in there...you started yelling...."Leave him in there....he scares me now...he looks like Chuckie". Somehow the girls let you watch the movie Chuckie and it scared you to death. I laughed so hard and tried to tell you that MY BUDDY wouldn't hurt you and that was just a movie. But needless to say....MY BUDDY spent the rest of his little life tied up in a garbage bag in your closet. It's little things like that that make me feel sad....those wonderful crazy stories will never be passed down to your kids so they can laugh too. Life sucks Buds...you were cheated and so were the rest of us. Miss you so much...loving and missing you every second of every day...

Love you always and forever...

Your best friend,

Your Mama

Morning Buds..

It's just Mom and I'm feeling kind of low today. Yesterday was my birthday and as usual it wan't a very happy one. The girls try to keep me up but they know deep down inside that it's hard. I miss you being there, I guess I always will..School is going ok...making all A's so far and I know that's because you are with me there everyday. I'm tyring to clean the house up. It''s really dirty, nothing but surface cleaning has been done since you left. So I think it's time for a good cleaning. I just wish I could afford to have the livingroon and diningroom painted. They are really bad. But I'll just have to wait till I can afford it. I need a guy to paint it because of the cathederal celings. Just can't reach that far...Isn't that wonderful news about Holly going to have a baby? We're all hoping for a boy, except Karlee...she wants a little girl. It hurts so bad Buds, that the baby will never personally know you. It would love you just as much as Karlee does. You are the Greatest Uncle ever!!! She talks about you all the time. She said that she will just have to carry on the CLAW!!! She's getting so beautiful Jess. I know you know that. I know you are watching over her all the time. I'm not looking forward to the holidays coming again. They are just not the same without you. I will set your place at the table again this Thanksgiving. You will always have a place there Buds. I think that Thanksgiving was you favorite holiday. You would love to eat all that good food. Pumpkin pie was your favorite. You could eat a whole pie yourself in one day. You couldn't wait till I got them out of the oven. Remember the cinnamon and sugar loaf I would make with the leftover pie dough. The three of you would fight over it. How I miss all those wonderful family times. I miss you Buddy so much. Nobody can even imagine...Keep watching over us all Buds..we need you to. Loving and missing you every second of every day.

Your best friend,

Your Mama

Hi Buddy,



Well, I have some news for you. I'm going to have a baby. Yep, I can't believe it myself. I never thought that I would. I hope it's a boy. I think the due date will be around the middle of June. Another summer baby. Maybe it will be born on your birthday. Wouldn't that be cool? I just get sad knowing that my baby will not have had the chance to get to know the best uncle ever. I will just have to let the baby know you through my memories and pictures. I'll be visiting you often at the cemetary so you can see how big my belly will be getting. Well, have to get going.. work calls. I love you always and forever.

Goodmorning Buddy..

It's just Mom....yesterday was another bad day for me...13 months....where does the time go? I miss you so very much. You are never off my mind. I think I told you that I went back to school and it's going ok. Every day I take you and Jesus to school with me. It helps me get thru the classes. So far I'm making all A's and I know it's because your beside me helping me. Hopefully someday I can find a good job from all of this. My back still hurts alot and sometimes sitting for a long time at the computer in school only makes it worse. But I will get thru it. Holly put your guest book online for lifetime. I'm really glad because I like writing to you. Somehow I feel that you read all of this and know how I feel. Putting my feelings into words helps me a little. Just wish that sometimes you could answer back so I know you hear me. Holly has some wonderful news to tell you but I will let her tell you. That's only fair. So be expecting to here from her soon. My heart aches for you everyday Buddy....I still ask the big WHY question. I don't think I will ever get that answer. Fall is here and I miss you helping me clean up the yard. I can't do what I used to and it really looks it. I guess I just have to deal with it and know it will never look really great again. Thinking of selling the house in the spring. Maybe Holly and Bob will buy it so it stays in the family. I know they would like to buy it and they could take care of it too. Bob is a good worker and treats Holly wonderful. I know your looking down and smiling. Crystal and Karlee are doing good too. Karlee is the little Miss Social one and is keeping Crystal really busy. I know I would have never made it this far if I didn't have the girls and Karlee. But that big hole is still in our family and it will always be there. Loving and missing you every second of every day MY BEAUTIFUL ANGEL BOY. Keep watching over all of us.

Love you ALWAYS..

Your best friend..

Your Mama

Hey Jess,

Come see me whenever you please, I don't mind. I know you have a lot of people to visit at night, being that we all think about you so much, but it was so nice seeing you. Hard to handle at first, but nice. I'm going to miss reading all the beautiful thoughts everyone has about you. I'll talk to you soon.

Love,

Maria

Buddy..

Tonight I had to do one of the hardest things I've had to do since you left me. I had to go to the funeral home where you were to see another young man who passed away. Walking into there took everything that I had. He was right where you were. All of the nightmare came flooding back. My heart just cried out in such pain. I could just see you there. I tried to be as strong as I could for his family. I know what pain they are feeling right now and how hard it's going to be after all the shock wears off. The alone time is the worst...all you can do is think and ask God why..I still ask that everyday...WHY??? If only you could get the answer, maybe you could accept it. I don't know because I don't have that answer either. I miss you Buds....The longer you are gone the worse it gets. I thought it was supposed to get better with time but it's not for me. I heard a new song on the radio the other day. It's called "Where Would You Be Now"..by Kenny Chesney. What a beautiful song...I feel that he made it just for me. Sounds crazy huh? I still cry for you everyday...you are always with me. Especially when I'm driving in the car alone. I talk to you just as if you were sitting right next to me. I bet the people in the other cars sometimes think I'm a nut case. Oh well...I don't care what anyone thinks as long as I'm talking to you. Just wish you could answer back once in a while....To hear your voice again would be the answer to a lot of my prayers. Just to hear you say "I love you Mama". Just four little words....You are always in my thoughts and my heart. Loving and missing you every second of every day.

Your best friend

Your Mama

Hi Buddy,



It's been a rough day today. I had a feeling as soon as I woke up that something terrible happened. Well, I was right. Mom just called and told me that someone I went to school with just past away from a drug overdose. It's so sad.. soon there will be no one left from Collier that I grew up with. It hurts me to drive through the cemetery. There are so many people that I grew up with buried there. There are days that I visit Austin after I see you. I hope that you guys are with each other. Maybe him and Matt are playing hockey together. Well I'll let you go. I miss you so much. Love you always and forever.



Holly

Hey Buddy,

This will probably be the last time I write in here for you, because our time is running out. The last couple of days have been terrible. I've been missing you alot lately. You never seem to leave my thoughts. I went to see you the other day. Mom has your resting spot looking nice. You know her and her flowers. Karlee will be in the nut cracker this year. She will be playing a toy soldier and a strawberry swirl. How I wish she could see you. She still remembers the "claw". It's funny how she never forgets the little stuff. She misses you just as much as I!Well Buddy I got to get going the dragon beast will be back soon. I will try to write you again. I'll be seeing you in my dreams. Til then, love Sis

Dear Hillen Family,

I just wanted to let you know that there are more peole than you even know that have you in their thoughts and prayers this week and for the past year. I think Jesse is very lucky to have such a wonderful family that loves him so much. Jesse, we miss you but we know that you are in our hearts and always will be.

Good Moringing Buddy,

Sorry I didn't write to you yesterday. I tried a couple of times but the words were just not there. I miss you more and more as each day passes. I just can't except this. I just don't understand how one family can constantly be put to the edge. There comes a time when you just want to put away the ball and glove and walk away from the game. I love you always and forever.

Hol

Hey Jess...

I hope I can finish this...I have tried to write you many times today and haven't been able to finish. The pain in my heart is so much greater today than ever. It just doesn't ease up at all...just hurts more. I pray everyday for some peace but it never comes....I put a memoriam in the paper for you today....I just can't believe it's been a year....seems just like yesterday...I miss you so much Buddy....if I could just hug you again...or hear you call me Mama....how good that would feel!!! I put flowers on you grave today...Oh Buddy...I know you're so loved...your grave is full of flowers from everyone...your family, your friends..You have to be looking down and just smiling that beautiful smile....The phone has rang itself off the wall today with all your friends calling me...It makes me feel so good that everyone remembered you. They took the time out of their busy day to just call and see how I am and to stop at the cemetery to see you. How blessed we are Buds....such beautiful people in our lives....I love them all....Kate and Jill stopped over tonight. It was so good to see them...I love Kate so much...I could just hug her so tight. Steve called from school and left a message on the machine...we were at the cemetery when he called...I was sorry that I missed his call...Maybe he'll call back again. Al called too, just to make sure I was ok....He's toughing out the hurricane that's hitting the Carolina coast right now. Watch over him Buds...don't let anything happen to him..OK Holly came to the cemetery after work when Gram, Linda and I were there. She brought you beautiful flowers...I hope you weren't playing a joke on her and let that bee bite her on the neck....I told her it was you playing a trick but really I don't believe for a minute that you would let anything hurt her....Crystal and Karlee where here tonight too....Karlee just loved seeing Kate and gave her a bracelet she had Crystal make for Kate's birthday. Yeah...I know it was in July, but Karlee the social butterfly has been so busy that I couldn't make arrangements with her to get it to Kate. So I just held onto it knowing I would see her at sometime. Kate and Karlee did their usual coloring...I was laughing...it was so cute. But you know what Buds...I know you already know all this stuff cuz I know you were here with us tonight...I could feel you....you were just smiling....Jeremy and Jay called too....Jay said that he was going to stop over tomorrow...it will be good to see him....Jeremy said he left a picture at your grave....Lindsey was there too...she left you flowers and a card....Oh Buddy...so many people are hurting....Why did you have to leave all of us? Why did you have to leave me....you promised me...Nothing in any of our lives will ever be the same...there will always be that big void....part of me went with you Buds....part of me is empty...a big hole....I still cry everyday for you...how do I get thru this...I just can't figure it out...

Loving and missing you every second of every day my beautiful ANGEL BOY.

Your best friend

Your Mama

Buddy,

Today is not an easy day. Today feels the same as it did a year ago. Mom put a nice remembrance of you in the paper today. She's right our chain has been broken. But some day I will see you again. Kate's coming over tonight to visit, I miss her. I miss you as well! Watch over us all today, especially Mom.

Love always, Sis

Jes

Its been a year today since you left us and nothings really changed. I cant sleep tonight i just keep thinkin about you and what it would be like have you here again. I miss you so much and wish i could talk to you. I am going on with my life, even though i dont want to. Im sure you know this because you have to be helping me, i couldnt do it w/o you. This our last "first" of everything w/o you and its so hard to beleive. It just doesnt seem right that i havent talked to you in so long...i miss everything about you and US. Please keep watching over us. We NEED you Jesse. I still love you more than anything. Forever.

<3Me

I miss you. The pain is greater even a year later. You will never be forgotten or replaced. Love you Jess.

wat up jesse its da do double g, just have been thinkin bout you and all da good times we had. i just wanted to let you know that you are still in my heart and im my thoughts man. just aint right miss you and love you man

Hey Buddy,

It's just me again. Having another bad day... Missing you alot.Today is one of those days that I can't get you out of my mind. It feels like I have a big rock sitting on my chest. Just not a good day! Soon it will be a year since you left us and I don't want that day to come. I relive that day enough. Can you tell I'm feeling pretty angry today? No matter how hard I try to understand why God took you from us, I just can't figure it out.I'm still mad at him and I know that you wouldn't want me to be. Today is just one of those days that I want to pull the covers over my head and make the world go away for awhile.

The Steelers had their first pre-season game on monday. I hardly watched it. It just wasn't the same without you. Well Jess I think I need to go visit you.... I Love you so Sis

Hey Buds...

It's just me again....Feeling pretty bad today...it's 11 months....Gram and I took some flowers from the yard to the cemetery today. They look nice in the vase...I miss you so much....just not fair.....I had a dream about you the other night....I held your beautiful face in my hands and asked you if you were ok....you said...I'm fine Mama...just keeping busy....What did you mean Buddy....what are you keeping busy with??? I wish I knew..The pain of missing you isn't getting any easier...I hurt just as much today as I did the day you left me....the only difference is that I"m not in a fog now as I was then....I took Karlee to the firemans carnival on Friday and I ran into Jeremy....He was with his little brother....Karlee had a good time...I guess that's all that matters. I was watching the young guys at the big wheel....they reminded me so much of you....laughing and fooling around just having fun....I wish you were still having that fun with your friends...You were cheated Buds....and there isn't anything I can ever do about it. It just makes me so angry....I guess I will never understand any of it....I'm going to go now Buddy....I'm really tired from crying most of the day....I'm going to try and get some sleep and get up for church tomorrow. I love you my beautiful angel boy...missing and loving you every second of every day. Come see me in my dreams again but this time stay a long time...I love you Buds!!!!

Your best friend..

Your Mama

Hey Buddy,

Just your big sis here. I haven't written in awhile and I'm missing you alot. I wish I could just sit and talk with you for hours and hear you talk back. But all I can do is just talk to you and hope you hear me. How I wish my phone would ring at 3 in the morning because you where bored and wanted someone to talk to. I wish everyday that I could go back in time and make everything different. You have no idea how different I would make things, I would have tried harder to help you. I would have been more understanding too! I think we all would. I had another crazy dream. This one involved a tricycle? But you told me that you are happy there and that you came to rescue me from this awful town I was in. You asked me if I would be okay without you here. Well Buddy I don't know if anyone of us will ever be okay. We all have our good days and bad ones too! Nothing will ever be the same again. Not a holiday, birthday or just a day with the family. A piece of us has been taken away and no one can ever replace that. It's hard to understand how we accept our elders passing on. We keep there memories alive by the family traditions that they have taught us. Passing them down through generations. But when someone so young passes it's the hardest thing to accept. I never thought I would be visiting and taking care of your grave. I imagined you would be doing that for me. I hoped to become an Aunt and spoil your children rotten like you did to Karlee. (Besides I owed you for the Christmas tree full of silly string.) I just hoped things would be different. Not a day goes by that I don't think of you and wish you where still here. I miss you muches. See you in my dreams. I love you!

Sis

Hey Buds...

It's just me again....You have been so heavy on my mind the last couple of days. Just can't seem to get things together. I'm missing you so very much...doing a lot of crying for you. Holly is here with me for 6 weeks. She fell down her basement steps and broke her leg. You already know that don't you Buds? Anyway, she can't walk on it and she has all those steps in her house. So she's staying here with me and Gram. I know she's really bored but we're trying to make her as comfortable as possible. Waiting on her like the "Queenie" that she is. Remember, that was the name I gave her when she was younger...Holly was my Queenie, Crystal was my Gypsie and you were my Ace....What I wouldn't give to go back to those days. We had nothing but we were so happy...Family time together was so important to us. Remember our family night...One night a week was set aside for us to all be together. Each one of you would take a turn in deciding what we would do together..Playing board games...watching movies...or whatever was decided. You always picked Monopoly and would beat the pants off all of us. We would get so mad because you always won. Everyone knew what your game would be. Those nights meant so much to all of us. We would really look forward to it. I truly believe it created a bond with us that was so very special. It meant so much to us that we carried family night over to the holidays. The evening of every holiday became family night also. Everyone made sure that no matter where we had to go on holidays, we were always back together in the evening to have family night. How I would look at you three and feel so proud that you were so close with each other. I guess I did something right in raising the three of you. There was a bond between all of us that no matter what could never be broken...I miss that so much Buds...and our family night will never be the same again. We still carry on the tradition and we include you as if you were still here. I know in my heart that you are with us in spirit for everything. We miss you and love you so much....The girls and I fixed your grave and the grass is growing beautiful. The flowers are even growing really nice in all this heat. I water it all the time so that they stay nice. I hope you like how it looks. Well Buddy...I'm going to get in the shower and try to do something constructive today. The last few days have been a complete washout with getting anything done. I love you my beautiful Angel Boy....Loving and missing you every second of every day. Watch over us my beautiful son....

Your best friend..

Your Mama

Goodmorning Jesse...

It's just mom again....today is 10 months and I'm feeling really down. I miss you so much....I just can't seem to get on with things...I just want to hug you again....If it doesn't rain tonight, Holly and I are going to try and fix up your grave. I know it's late in the season to be planting flowers or grass, but I promise that I will come every day to water. The cemetery planted grass but it never took and it looks a mess. I'll put some good topsoil on and go from there. I just never ever thought that I would be doing this for you....It just hurts so very much...It's just not how things are supposed to be....I'm trying Buds....really I am...I talk to you everyday and kiss you goodnight every night....but you already know that....I still haven't done anything in your room....everything is still the way you left it....I have to go and clean it up a little...It's starting to get really dusty, so I have to make it nice for you. It's really hard for me to go in there and do anything....so many memories come flying back and I cry the whole time I'm there. I'll get it done though for you Buds....I promise....Well my Angel Boy...I'm going to take a shower and go get some straw to put down tonight....just keep watching over all of us and keeping us safe...especially the girls, Karlee and Kate....I love you Buddy....loving and missing you every second of every day...

I love you my beautiful son....

Your best friend

Your Mama

Hi Buds....

Sorry I didn't write to you yesterday....I've been doing Vacation Bible School with Karlee at the church. It's really nice...I have the spice tent and all the kids come in to crush up spices and herbs and we tie them in little burlap bags. The kids really love it. The 4th of July was ok Buds....Crystal had a really nice cookout and birthday party for Gram. I think everyone had a good time even though it was so very hot...I missed you so much ....I kept thinking about you all day and kept tearing up alot...but I tried to hold up for everyone else....I think I did ok with it all.....just sad....I didn't go see the fireworks though...I just came home and got ready for bed....I didn't feel much like watching fireworks anyway....Well that's just about all I have to say for now....I miss and love you so much....Everyday you are in my thoughts and prayers....Loving and missing you every second of every day....I love you my Special Angel Boy....

Loving you forever...

Your best friend...

Your Mama

Hey Buddy....

It's just me again....I want to wish you a happy 4th of July....We won't be having our holiday cookout here...it's going to be a Crystals house this year. I'm glad....I don't really think I could pull it off without you. The badmiton set will stay put away this year and so will the horseshoes....They were your games Buddy and I really don't think anyone could play them this year. Remember how competitive you would get. I would just laugh at you and the girls playing...especially Holly...you two would fight like crazy...those thoughts will be with me thru out the day Buds....I miss you so much....I just don't know how to get past the pain....I'll be bring you fresh flowers today. I picked a big bunch of lilies from my yard....All different colors...It will look nice. I'm going to go now Buds....get a shower and go see you....I'll write to you tomorrow and tell you how the cookout went at Crystals.....Have a wonder 4th...I know the fireworks will be awsome in Heaven tonight. Be with us today my beautiful Angel Boy....Our hearts will be with you....I'll wish Gram a happy birthday from you also...I know your thinking of her today...Loving and missing you every second of every day.....I love you...

Your best friend..

Your Mama

Hello Buds,



You have been on my mind a lot this past week. I guess I'm just missing you. I was in Mom's shed the other day and saw the badmiton net. It reminded me that this will be the first year that I can't kick you butt at our annual 4th of July Badmiton Competition. We were so competitve towards each other. The memories of us diving and arguring over the out of bounds line brings a smile to my face and tears in my eyes. I guess it's okay that we won't be playing this year. Mom keeps planting more trees and bushes in our court anyway. Well, I guess I'll see you tonight.



Love Always and Forever,

Buddy...

Well today is 9 months....it just seems like yesterday. My pain is greater today then on the day you left me. I was in such shock then. Everything just felt like a very bad dream or a giant fog. Losing you is the one thing I will never get over in my life. I still wait for you to come thur the door...my life will never be normal again. I know God took you to serve His greater plan for you. I just wish I could know what that plan is. Maybe someday I will but for now I just have to try to keep going....it's very hard Buds....a lot of the time I just want to give up...We didn't go to the pirate game on Saturday...it started to pour down rain...We were all here...Crystal, Karlee, Holly, Bob, Natalie, Gram and me. We had a cake for you and sang Happy Birthday to you. Karlee also sang to you in Spanish and blew out your candles for you. I couldn't get thru the song...I'm sorry...but I was wishing you a very happy day. We all cried Buds....but I know you know that....It was very hard and we all missed you so much...Ronnie stopped over and brought me a dozen of roses...they are beautiful. I'm going to dry them and keep them with all the roses I have kept from you. Steve called also...they stopped at the cemetery and left you a party hat and a balloon. It meant so much to me Buds that they remembered your birthday...I know you know how important birthdays mean to all of us. We will always celebrate your day in a special way. You may not be with us in person but you are always with us in our hearts. Thank you Buddy for all the love and joy you gave to all of us...you were always of special gift from God....Well Buds....I'm going to go the cemetery and spend some time with you there. Loving and missing you every second of every day..I love you my Angel Boy!!!!

All my love forever...

Your best friend...

Your Mama

Het Buddy,

Happy belated birthday. I wanted to write yesturday but I couldn't get to the computer. I miss you terribly! I started umping girls fast pitch and I wear your catchers mask. I know you are with me with every call I make. I heard a new song the other day and I love it. It's called you'll be there by George Strait. It talks about heaven and needing your help to get there. There is also another song called born and raised in the boon docks. I just know you would love that one too. I think about you every day. When I'm at work and I get a minute I stop to visit you. There are times I don't want to leave. Well I hope you showed them how to party it up for your birthday in heaven. See you in my dreams Buddy. I love and miss you....Sis

Happy Birthday Jesse...

Wish u were here to eat your cookie cake and get all excited like a little kid becasue it was your birthday. I love you and miss you more than words can say.

Forever...Me

Hey Buddy..

Happy 23rd Birthday!!!! I don't know how I will get thru the day without you. I'm hurting so bad...wish you were here to celebrate your special day. The girls, Karlee, Gram and I have planned to go to a pirate game tonight to honor you birthday. It's calling for rain but I'm hoping that it passes over. So if it doesn't rain Buddy...be there with us..sit right next to me OK??? If it rains then we will pick another day to honor your birthday. The rain wouldn't bother us but I don't think gram could sit in the rain. If we don't go to the game then we will honor your special day here at home. We'll all be together for you no matter what the weather. I know you will be celebrating you birthday in heaven with Jesus. It will be a grand party..Wish I could be there to see it.....I'm going to go to the cemetery and bring you flowers and a card. I'll spend so time with you there. I love you and miss you so very much. It's not getting any easier Buds....Yesterday Casey graduated for high school. Yep she made it Buddy...aren't you proud of her? She said she made it because of you. You always pushed her so hard and she did it for you. I know you were there smiling down on her with that wonderful smile. We know you even kept the rain away until it was over. Being there brought back so many memories. I'm going to go now Buddy...I'll see you in a little while. I'll write to you later and let you know how we celebrated you today. Loving and missing you every second of every day my beautiful ANGEL BOY. HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY BEAUTIFUL SON....I LOVE YOU!!!!!

Your best friend...

Your Mama

Hey Buds,

I just wanted to wish you a Happy Birthday a few hours early. Tomorrow just won't be the same without you here with us. I feel bad that you never got to ride that mechanical bull you wanted to. It definitely would have went down in the history books as a night to remember. Maybe one day I'll get up enough nerve to ride one for you. Well don't have much to say today except that I miss you and wish you were here with me.



Love you always

Hey Jess,



I can't help thinking about you lately. I just moved back home and everywhere I go something reminds me of you. I was looking through an old dresser at my parents house and found a million pictures of us lookin so sexy going to prom. (ha ha) I was so smitten over everything about you. I'm getting so nervous about "growing up". Finally trying to find a real job and starting a real life, shame on me for getting frustrated with it. I need to realize just how lucky I am. I wish I could see your face one more time, I couldn't help getting butterflies and smiling from ear to ear everytime you looked at me. I loved that feeling. I can't thank you enough for everything we had together, I will never forget that time of my life. I miss you, I miss the girl that you brought out in me. I'll see you again.

Love you always,

Maria

Hey Buddy...

I have been trying to write to you for a few weeks but I haven't been able to finish it. So I'm trying again and maybe this time I will get thru it. The last couple weeks have been really rough for me. So many things have happened that you should have been here for. First was Karlee's 7th birthday. She had a skating party and had a really good time. All I kept remembering was her last skating party and you were out on the floor with all the little kids being the usual crazy Jesse. Doing the macarana wrong on purpose and Karlee was getting mad at you. I'm just glad that we taped it. Then came Crystal's birthday and you weren't there to tease her about getting old. We just had cake and ice cream here. Missed you so much Buds...Mothers Day was really bad. All I did was cry all day and spent half of the day at the cemetery talking to you. The only thing I could think of was all the mothers that could hug their sons and I couldn't. I know that sounds very selfish but I just couldn't help it. I'm sorry. Then I would think of all the mothers who lost their sons in Iraq and my heart broke for them because I know the pain they are going thru. I hurt so bad for you Buddy....My heart always hurts and there is a great big hole in it. The girls try so hard to make things right for me but I know how bad they miss you also. Jeremy brought me a potted rose plant for mothers day. Ronnie and Jay stopped over too a couple of days before. It was really good to see them. It makes me feel a little better knowing they haven't forgotten about me or you. We sit and talk and laugh about all the crazy thing you guys did. It's just not fair...you should still be having all those great times. Till the day I die I will never understand why??? On Saturday we went to Holly's for Natalie's birthday. Holly had a real nice party for her. Brad was there and seeing him really hurt. He hugged me and asked how I was doing. I told him ok but then he said "truth or lie". I said lie but that's what everyone wants to hear so that's what I tell them. He said I know what you mean. How do you tell someone how you really feel...you just can't. Both of us lost our sons and both of you were named Jesse. That is just to much to really handle...I miss you so much...I pray for you everyday and crying for you is just part of my daily routine. Some days are better than others but none of them are really good. Karlee's playing softball now. She could use some of your talent so send her some down. OK.. I know you watch over her all the time and you will help her with playing ball. She really likes it, just needs a little help...You know what I mean...Holly and Bob have been trying to keep up with the grass. I know it's hard for them taking care of 2 houses. It's not like we have a small yard to cut but they make it look nice. Just wish I could see you on that tractor again. I wouldn't even yell for you to watch my flowers...lol...right....So many things just remind me of you....You were my Buds...my right arm...Well Buddy...I guess that's about all I have to tell you for now. Anyways I'm crying to hard to write anymore. Can't see the screen to see if any of this makes any sense. Just know that I'm loving and missing you every second of every day. Watch over us my Angel Boy...I love you...

Your best friend...

Your Mama

I miss you terribly. I think about you everyday, and hope that you are making use of that gorgeous smile that I miss so much.

Hey Buds..

It's just me...You have been so heavy on my mind today. I went to the cemetery today. They put your headstone on. It looks really beautiful. I hope you like it. I had the catcher specially designed for you. I think it's beautiful and it looks just like you in action. They haven't fastened the stone to the base yet. I guess they want to see if it moves any before they finish it. As soon as they get that finished then I will be up to put down top soil and plant grass. I'll make a nice place to plant flowers too. I know, you're saying "Oh no mom, not flowers". Just humor me Buds...you know how I love flowers. You won't have to cut around them, I promise...I went to watch a CV game the other day. I felt just like you were sitting there with me. It was so peaceful. I was a little afraid that I couldn't do it. but I did with your help. Coach Brown came right over to the bleachers and hugged me. He started to cry Buds...He said he misses you so much. Everyone was wondering what the heck was going on. Why was Coach hugging this strange lady and why was he crying. But you know what Buds...I really didn't care what anyone thought. It just felt good. I got a little charge out of the game also...CV beat KO (your dad's school) 9 to 1. It did my heart good. I had told Ronnie that I was going so he stopped up after work to be with me. He just wanted to make sure I was OK. That was really great of him. And in Ronnie style...he was picking the catcher apart. Jesse wouldn't have let that ball get by him or that guy wouldn't have even thought to steal that base if Jesse was behind that plate. He had me laughing. After the game was over, Coach came over and gave me a ball. That was when I really lost it Buds. That just touched me so much. I cried all the way home, wrote on the ball what happened and it's on my dresser. I have all your balls Buddy....everyone of them. They always meant so much to me. Saturday was Karlee's birthday party. It was very sad for me without you there. She had a great party and Holly made her the most beautiful HELLO KITTY cake. Holly bought her a karoke machine. She's going to sing karoke just like you. She carries a tune about as well as you do too. That's ok though...she will entertain all of us just like you. And we will all laugh and everyone will have their own wonderful memories of you singing. We will all say remember when Jesse did this or that....how you loved to sing and dance. Couldn't carry a tune in a brown paper bag but you loved to sing. I was always proud of you for doing it. You could dance though....how could you not be a good dancer...the three of us taught you...I miss you so much...Sometimes just to get thru a day I just pretend that your away for a while. Maybe at school or on vacation. But that thought really doesn't last for long. How I wish I could just hug you again. I would give anything for that. I watch your video over and over again. Maybe hoping you'll just jump out of the tv and hug me. I love you Buds....with all of my heart. I will never understand why God took you from me. If I only knew....Loving and missing you every second of every day.

Your best friend...

Mama

Goodmorning Jesse...

Today is another bad day for me...you have been gone 7 months now. It still feels just like yesterday. Where does the time go? Just wish the pain would ease up as fast as the time speeds by. My heart hurts so bad for you. Tears have become just a normal part of my daily routine. I'll be at the cemetery today to put flowers on your grave. I'll sit and talk to you for a while and keep asking you the same questions I have been asking all along. I just don't seem to get any answers. Baseball season has started and that makes me sad. Your not being here to share it with us is really hard. First day of trout is Saturday and I was in your room looking at your fishing stuff. How you would be excited about going fishing and bringing the trout home for me to cook for you. We would just sit and eat trout and talk about your fishing trip. I'll miss that Buds. You caught the best fish....Someday maybe I'll just go fishing and pretend that you're with me. Remember when I taught you to fish? You and your little Snoopy fishing rod and box. I guess I can admit it to you now....putting the worms on the hook didn't bother me as much as taking the fish off the line. I used to feel so bad for the fish...LOL...I know...you've lost it mom right??? But you loved to fish and I loved the time we spent together...Such wonderful memories I have of you. You are the best son God could have given anyone and He gave you to me. I will always be grateful and thankful for our time together. I just wish we could of had soooo much more time to make many many more memories. I love you Jesse...and I miss you so very much. I am trying Buds to find some normality in my life. It's just so hard. To me life is just not fair...But I'm trying....for you.....So I'll see you in a little while with your flowers...I know...your telling me what a waste Mom...the deer ate the last ones you put on, but that's ok...I need to do this for me as much as for you. I love you my beautiful ANGEL BOY....Loving and missing you every second of every day....Oh how I miss your HUGS......

Your best friend

Mama