Spencer Berezowski

It´s been 20 years. How has it been 20 years since you walked out the door so excited to go to the mountains with your friends not know it would be the last time we see you. Time passes so quickly these days. Maybe it´s because I´m getting older. Today was not a good day for me. Yesterday was not a good day for me. I have been in bed sick all day today. Something came on me at 9:30 last night, just hit me out of nowhere. Had plans to go golfing with the kids but that didn´t happen and I´m so sad that we won´t all be together tonight. I was so looking forward to it. Jamie had the most beautiful bouquet of flowers delivered for me. He brought them up to our room. I haven´t left the bedroom and thought they could stay in here for me to at least enjoy them while I´m sick. Oilers are playing tonight too. Not even sure I have the energy or strength to get to the couch to watch. Go OILERS Go! Morgan and Connor are heading to the watch party, they have been to all of them so far. Exciting times. I hope you are all doing well. I am starting to fade again. Enjoy the game and have a Bud for Spencer!

I went to work today, as I typically do on this day. Some people ask why I don´t take the day off, or they say just go home, you don´t need to be at work. I like to be around people on this day. I don´t like to be alone, for the most part anyway. I like to have my quiet time to reflect and write my entry but otherwise I need the distractions of people all day and my work to keep my mind busy from going to places I don´t want it to go. I told my boss I would probably want to leave by 3pm knowing I may not be able to focus much past that time. I was reconciling an invoice around 3:30 and sent it to my coworker to approve it for payment and I told her to double check that last invoice from Iron Mountain. I told her I started losing focus and I felt like I just zoned out. So I got up, walked around, went to the bathroom, got a drink of water and sat back down. Then it dawned on me. I told her that our subconscious just knows things. The time that I was reconciling that invoice is about the same time that Spencer would´ve fallen into the crevasse. I was working on an invoice from Iron Mountain. What are the chances? I told her that Spencer died in the mountains. I pretty much packed up and headed home after that. Got home and rested for an hour. Grief is exhausting. Emotionally and physically. It will be earlier to bed tonight for me I hope. It´s been a long week and it´s only Monday. The impact this night has on so many people is overwhelming. My Dad told me on the phone tonight that they were on the way to a performance at their church and had just pulled into the parking lot when they got the call. They arrived at my house and Dad said I was packing a bag to "go to McBride" to see Spencer as we hadn´t had an update yet. A part of me was hoping and praying he was still alive and I needed to be there. Then the call came. Dad got choked up when he said he will never forget "the call" and what happened in the kitchen that night. So many people have their own story of what they went through that night. Kalie and I were just talking about how she got to the family dance that night at her school. She still wanted to go so bad. I can´t remember who took her. I think Taylor went too. I may have to look back and see if I have record of that. I don´t remember too much after getting the call. Just that I dropped to my knees and remember throwing the phone and saying "no Mommy no" and my mom getting on the floor with me holding me and crying with me. So hard! For everyone. It doesn´t always get easier as time goes on. Sure each and every day it´s not so hard, but this day, there are just too many memories that come flooding back. It´s a day that I will never forget every detail from that day. Probably one of the hardest days in my life that I had to endure. But like everything, you just keep taking steps forward. Memories are good. They are hard, but good. Tears are good too. It´s ok to cry. Sometimes it feels so good to just let it all out. Tomorrow is a new day. Yesterday's the past, tomorrow's the future, but today is a gift. That's why it's called the present. It´s good to remember this as we are not guaranteed tomorrow. We must live for today! May God Bless each and everyone of you!

Here I am sitting alone in my house on this day that changed our lives forever. Kalie is dog sitting in Sherwood Park all weekend. Taylor lives in the city now with his girlfriend and her 2 year old son and their baby girl. Yes I said baby girl. Taylor is a daddy now and Spencer would be a Grampa. I guess I am getting old, cause that makes me a Grama or Nanny... or whatever the kids will call me. Morgan is in Lobstick visiting her Nanny and Papa. Jamie is working in BC and Jeremiah is visiting Taylor. The house is quiet, very quiet. I can hear the clock ticking, the ice maker making ice and the dryer running. I just finished cleaning out the front flower bed as a distraction for me, for a short time anyway. I like to stay busy, it helps me to not think about this day too much. But now I sit...and think...and cry. 18 years has gone by. How? How can it be 18 years already since Spencer left us. I was reading Morgan´s post from earlier this year and just thinking about how she was ripped off. Didn´t get to know who her Daddy was. All she has is what others have told her about him. That´s not fair. Life is not very fair sometimes. I think about all the challenges that Taylor has gone through and some of the choices he´s made in his life and wonder...would he had made these choices if his Daddy was still here? What would life be like if he was still here? Where would we be? Would we still be living in Fort Sask? We would have been celebrating our 23rd wedding anniversary this year. But no, we only made it to 5 years. Why? I guess that is something I will never know the answer to. I still miss him and think about him often. Memories come flooding back when I hear a song, or see something that reminds me of him and some make me smile as I remember and others make me cry. It´s hard sometimes to be so emotional. It can be quite draining. Takes a lot out of you. Grief is hard. And it never really goes away. You just learn to adapt, move forward and live without. What choice do you have? I guess some could stay in that place and wallow in the grief, pain and sadness, but it doesn´t get you very far. And that´s very sad. I don´t want to stay sad all the time. That´s not a good way to live. I don´t know why I´m rambling like this. Just the thoughts I´m having right now.
I will watch the Oilers hockey game tonight! Go Oilers Go! Spencer would be watching with me if he was still here. He would be drinking beer too!! I will watch alone and cheer the team on. I´m sure the kids all have their jerseys on too and will be watching and cheering where they are too. That´s all for now. Hope you´re all doing well. Drink a beer for Spencer tonight and cheer on those Edmonton Oilers. Even if you´re not an Oilers fan, do it for him tonight!!

Hey dad, it’s your little girl. I’ve never wrote on here & thought today is the day I am 20 now, I know you would be so proud of me ! I turn 21 in august, maybe I’ll go to Vegas, Im sure we would have had so much fun in Vegas if you were still here! I graduated high school in 2020, it kinda sucked a little, we had a Covid grad:( you’re lucky you didn’t have to experience the crazy Covid times, I’m just glad it’s over !! I’m not sure if I’m going to go to university yet, it seems like a lot of stress & a lot of money I have a big girl job at a dealership, I think they really like me there. I got a tattoo of mountains & in your writing it says “love Spencer”. I hold it close to my heart every second of every day, until we meet again. I have finally out grown my quiet phase, everyone still calls me mouse tho. Mom always says I’m the gallivanter of the family, I never like to sit at home alone I like to be out doing something & with friends. Were you like that too? I went to visit Rob this summer, he said I really remind him of you. I’m not sure if it’s because I can drink a lot of beer should I be proud of that? Every time I have a beer it reminds me of you, I know how much you liked your beer, was it Budweiser ? Lots of people say I really look like you. I have a boyfriend, it will be 4 years in April, 19 days before your memorial. I think you would really like him, he’s been a great man to me. Everyone seems to like him, I want to keep him around for a while !! The first time nanny met him, she said he really reminded her of you by the way he responded to her. Whenever nanny says “hey Connor” he always just responds with “how’s it going” & nanny said that’s how you would reply to her all the time. I really miss you dad I wish I could have had more time to make memories with you. I think all the memories I have of you are from people telling me stories, or from nannys videos. I love you forever and always !
-your little girl

This week has been a rough one. I have not slept much. As a matter of fact, it is 2:30am a couple of days before the Anniversary day that I am starting this entry. I cannot sleep, again What is the point lying in bed when all I can do is think about this day coming up and what I want to write this year? It has been 15 years! Let me just let that sink in for a moment, 15 years has gone by. How? I am dedicating this entry to our children and where they are in life, 15 years since their Daddy left forever.
Kalie is 24 years old. She just graduated from Concordia University with her Bachelor of Educations degree. She just wrote her last exams a couple of weeks ago. While she will not walk the stage this year due to COVID-19 we will still celebrate her in our own way for all the hard work it took for her to become a teacher. We are all so proud of her and her accomplishments. She did her practicum both in a grade 5 class and a grade 1 classroom. She wants to teach the grade 1s, she just loves them, and they love Miss B. We are unsure what her future looks like right now due to the pandemic. I guess she will always have Starbucks to fall back on for now. She has been working there for the past 5 years and has become a shift supervisor. She is such a hard worker and pays attention to detail and loves her job. Even though she may say she is not a morning person; you would not know it if you went through the drive-thru and got Kalie on the other end. She sure made a lot of customers mornings with her chirpiness and smile. A SMILE goes a long way! Kalie is dating a city of Edmonton fire fighter. She met him when she had to take her first aid course for school. He was her instructor. They started texting back and forth for a bit and then he asked her to be his girlfriend. She is definitely smitten over him. He is all she talks about. Kind of like me when I first met Spencer. My Mom said I would always talk about him and she would say Spencer, Spencer, Spencer. She is still living at home, and I LOVE it. I know I will have to let her go one day, but not yet. When she was applying for jobs as a teacher, she mentioned quite a few places quite far away. I was really hoping she would not actually apply for them. I do not know what I would do with her so far away. I know they say you have to let them spread their wings and fly, but Im not ready yet. It has been good for her to live at home anyway as it is very expensive now a days for young people to move out on their own. With her going to school and working, it would not be very affordable, so I am happy to have her at home still. Now that school is over, not sure what direction she may go. Time will tell. She is still playing soccer on a ladies team in the spring/Summer league as well as the winter league. Shes pretty fit and enjoys working out too.
Taylor is 19 years old. He is in the new home construction business. He is a framer and he loves it. When he was in High School he wanted to be a welder, and he still enjoys that, but I think he found his niche. Although he does still say he wants to join the military. Not just the military, he wants to become an American sniper, hmmmmm. I am quite happy with him being a framer. He does good work and even built us a second deck this past week. He cant wait for the ice to come off the river so he can get out there and do some fishing. He fishes for sport, catch and release. Not often does he go where he keeps a fish to eat. He is buying a bike again and will start riding the dirt trails here in the Fort. He used to do this a lot and realized how much he misses it. Him and Morgan were just watching videos of them the other day from like almost 10 years ago. They were laughing so hard. I think they found it on an old Instagram account. Without technology, they wouldnt have had those memories. I love to hear them laugh together. They always say they should have been twins.
Morgan is 17 years old and is graduating from grade 12. Unfortunately, the school division has cancelled all graduations for this year. Not postponed them for a later date, they have cancelled them completely. I am quite sad for all the grads this year that do not get to walk to stage and celebrate their achievements the way so many before them have. I know her grad will not look the way it should, but we are going to do something for her to still celebrate her hard work. It will not go unnoticed. She so deserves it. Academics is not her thing. She is more of a hands-on person. With school being out she did not get to finish her grade 12 year playing the sport she loves so much with her school team either. She injured her knee at the end of her grade 9 year playing soccer. She had surgery in June of her grade 10 year to repair her ACL and meniscus, then there was 10 months recovery before she could play again. So her grade 12 year would have been her only chance to fully play soccer again. Thankfully, they did get to play the indoor season. She wears a custom brace when she plays. (we dont want to risk injury again) No other sports her high school years, and for someone who lived for sports, that was very difficult on her. She also works at Starbucks and loves it. She has been there for over a year now. The manager loves Kalie and Morgan. Whenever they are on shift together, she says the seesters are working together, she just loves them both. Morgan has had a boyfriend for over a year now. He spoils her. She receives flowers from him often, and he even took her on a date to the revolving restaurant. I told her that I have never even been there. We all think they will get married one day, High School sweethearts. Again, time will tell.
I have been enjoying reading all the past entries not only the ones I posted, but the ones others have posted. Brings back a lot of memories. Some things that I have forgotten, and I wrote about them. I am thankful I have done these entries. Not just for my kids so they have some memories of their Dad, but for me too. It has been good to go back and read them. I have cried many tears the past few days as I read them and I am only into the 2006 entries. It can get to be too overwhelming to read them. Cant help the tears that come with recalling these past events. God made me this way. I am an emotional person. And so are our children. Spencer would be very proud of each of them if he were here. Have their lives been perfect, nope. But I can say that with every trial, fail and tribulation we all go through, we have something we can learn from it, and it often makes us stronger. It also becomes a part of us that God can use for good for others who may go through what we go through. I am thankful every day for our amazing kids and their accomplishments. Until next time, have an amazing day, and try and find something great in everyday! Love to all!!

As I sit here in the quiet of the night, I reflect on that final phone call I received from the Mcbride RCMP. That call that changed my life. I have been reliving this entire day hour by hour leading up to this final call that came in and hearing that the rescue team was finally able to get to Spencer and then the hesitation, and the small glimmer of hope that was soon gone when he said he was pronounced dead. The phone hit the floor and so did I. Thats the end of my memories for that night. The rest is a fog. But everything else before that last call I can recall like it was yesterday. How is it possible that its been 14 years already? Its been a very hard day for me. Not sure why so hard this year. Im an emotional roller coaster. Im still not able to get through this day without reliving all the events leading up to it. I was surprised at work today with a visit and plant from my sister. And then Kalie came by with a beautiful Orchid. I love my family so much. I dont know how I would get through a day like today without them. Im so grateful for family and friends that can help pick me up when I fall, give me a hug when I need one, or just cry with me. Remembering Spencer today. Miss him too.

Tonight, for some reason, I was skimming along on the internet when Spencer's name came up. I started scrolling through the notices throughout the years & I couldn't stop the tears. How I miss you. It still hurts like it was yesterday. One day we will meet again. Love you...
Mom

The time seems to go by faster but the memories never seem to fade.

Had a great weekend back in McBride to remember a great guy. It was evident with the turnout. Lots of memories - good and bad shared. So many years gone by and he is still bringing friends together, and helping us make new ones. A great group of people.

I know you're up there watching over all of us, and I'm guessing some days thats one tough job - thanks! Love you and miss you always - Morrocco

Can't believe it's been 15years! I still remember your wedding day like it was yesterday and the house boat trip we first met Spencer singing and dancing away to the Spice Girls. The memories will always be in our hearts and never forgotten. Spencer is truely missed!!

As I sit here and think about this day, March 4, 2000 the day Spencer and I got married, I can't help but remember him. Where has the time gone? It would have been 15 years, 15 years?? Wow!! It was a beautiful winter day, not much snow on the ground. God sure gave us a beautiful winter wedding day. It could have been so much worse. Compared to today, cold, windy and so much snow!! My Mom reminded me of the weather after we had left for our honeymoon. Blizzards hahaha We missed it all.
Funny thing is how do you not remember when so many things happen now in my life, so many reminders and memories. Saw a Boychuk truck, heard our wedding song by Savage Garden Truly, Madly, Deeply on the radio, then heard the song by George Canyon that I swear was written just for me after Spencer died, I want You to Live. If you have never heard the song or read the words, I encourage you to. Near the end of the song he says,
She prays for an answer, some little sign
And closes her eyes
And swears she hears him say,
I want you to live,
I want you to love
I want you to go on and not give up
I want you to live,
I want you to try,
I want you to know that I'm alright
I want you to fall in love again
I want to see you smile again
And again,
I want you to live
This song gives me so much hope. When I first heard it, all I did was cry because I missed him so much. But the end is what I hear now, and how he wants me to be happy again, and love again, and LIVE! Most people have only been Blessed with the Love of one man/woman, and I have been Blessed to have two. My kids didn't have to grow up without a Dad. Yes their Dad died, but Jamie stepped in and is being the best Dad he can be, and I am so grateful for him in our lives. Life wouldn't be the same with him not in it. I count every day as a Blessing. We are not guaranteed tomorrow. We are not promised any day but the day we are living right now. Spencer taught me a lot and my life will never be the same if I had not met him. He will always have a piece of my heart, and I am forever grateful that he was a part of my life, even tho it was so short. I Want you to Live! He would say that to me......

Spencers memory still lives strong in my heart and even though years pass these memories bring me great joy. Love you man

Still miss you every day. Still cherish what I have here even more - Thanks to You. Your memories and presence still lives on.

Thinking of Spencer today. He's been on my heart lots lately. The emotions are hard to control at times. The memories of that night are still so fresh in my mind like it was yesterday not 9 years ago. The kids have grown so much. We put their hand prints next to the ones on the stone that were placed there nine years ago. They have far outgrown all of them. Nobody even fits into Kalies hand print. Taylor is 13 and 5'10". He is officially taller than his Dad was :) Morgan looks like her Daddy. She also has his quiet gentle spirit. Kalie is 18 and just bought her first car. Time goes by, years pass, but memories are with you forever.

2013, 8 years later and I still find myself remembering all the good memories. This years tournament was a testament to the people that loved you. Your name and great spirit lives on through your children, friends, and family. I miss you buddy and hope your on a mountain on high enjoying life.

I can't even begin to imagine your pain. My heart goes out to your whole family.

Spencer there is a definite void since you left us. We miss you very much.

Uncle Warren and Auntie Mary-Anne

Spencer was a sweet boy and grew to be a fine gentleman.

Hard to believe 8 years have gone by since Spencer left us. Not sure why this year has been so hard to get thru this day. The memories we have will be always and forever in our hearts.

Another year goes by the emptiness still remains. We miss you buddy.

Woke up this morning, and couldn't help but think about walking down the isle with Spencer 13 years ago. It was such a beautiful day, much like today, with the sun shining. We do have much more snow this year on the ground. If i remember correctly, the snow storm came when we left on our honeymoon. So much has happened in 13 years. So many ups and downs, and trials and hardships, but also wonderful things too, thru it all God has been there with me, every step of the way. I just wanted to take a moment out of my day to remember Spencer and the beautiful wedding day we shared with great family and friends.

you rocked a lot

It's hard to believe that you would have been 38 on Tuesday. How time flies. I'm hoping you are having a piece of cheesecake wherever you are. Loving & missing you more every day.

Mom & Dad

I find myself thinking about you more today, maybe because tomorrow is Mothers Day. It has been a long 6 years and your father & I have missed you every minute of the day. It doesn't seem to go away, the hole in my heart. So much has happened since you left. You would be so proud of your children. You are being remembered by all this coming June for a cause that I think you would be very proud of. This is the 6th year and there will be many more after this as we all want to keep you alive in our memories. Like everyone says, Spencer, you were one of a kind. Loving & missing you every day.

Mom & Dad

Jay..... I couldn't have said it better myself. Yes, hard to believe 6 years have gone by. I just wanted to take a moment to remember Spencer tonight before I went to bed. It's been a long week of not much sleep. We had the School Fundraising Auction tonight. This is where my church family all was 6 years ago when I tried to call them to tell them about Spencer. We did have a good night tonight at the auction, thank- you to all my friends for your kind words and love!

Hard to believe its been six years ago. I can still remember the phone call like it was yesterday.

So much has changed in these six years but one thing hasn't and that's how much we all still miss Mcgill. Not a day goes by that I don't think about him.

One thing it has surely taught me is not to take things for granted. Who knows when it will be our last day on this wonderful journey called life. Thanks Spence.

Love’s Unending Legacy

How do you let go of someone you love?
When you love someone, that love doesn’t die when they do. It stays in our hearts forever. But we do have to say good-bye to the life we shared with them. Go on with a new life, chance of happiness. He would want me to be happy, I know that. I will always love you, but I am finally ready to be happy again. Good-bye sweetheart.

I watched this movie Love’s Unending Legacy the other night and this part really caught my attention. It is so true. We will never forget Spencer and the love we had will stay with us in our hearts forever. But we do have to say good-bye and move on to our new life without him.

It has been 5 years today that he left this world and went into the arms of Jesus, a difficult day for all of us. The memory will be with me forever, but each passing years many of the memories fade. I wish for the kid’s sake I could remember everything about our life together when Spencer was still here, but I can’t. If only I would have kept a journal and been able to pass it on to them one day. I have defiantly had my ups and downs today and apologize for my mood swings. I have sat here trying to find the words to how I feel, even 5 years later, and the memories of that day will be forever imbedded in my mind. I can’t help but have tears, okay, lets be honest, cry. I often wonder what he would be doing if he was still here, just what life would be like if Spencer was still here. Would he be coaching Taylor in his base-ball that is starting next week? Watching Kalie and Morgan play soccer? Would he be going up to McBride this week-end with the guys for one last ride before the snow is all gone? We had some great memories that will stay with me and the kids for a life time. Spencer was a great man, who loved his family very much. He was a very hard worker and would do anything for anyone. He always had a good time and definitely lived his life to the fullest.
I was looking through a photo album of pictures that were taken just weeks before Spencer died, and then the months after. There are so many memories. I will share them with you at another time. Right now, I just wanted to take the time to remember Spencer today. We miss him so much!

April 29, 2009
Can you believe another year has come and gone? Last week-end a bunch of Spencer’s buddies went up to McBride to remember him and celebrate his life. I hear they had a great week-end remembering McGill. I spent the week-end in the mountains as well with the kids and Jamie but in Canmore. It was great to get away and relax. The kids always love to go to the mountains. This past year sure has been an eventful one for me. I got married again in September and we are expecting a child in July. Very exciting for all of us. The kids are so excited and just can’t wait.

About a month ago a man at my church was skiing in the mountains and he too had fallen into a crevasse. He actually fell about 80 feet I believe. The miracle of the whole thing is that he survived. He had to spend 19 hours in the crevasse alone as the search and rescue team was unable to do the rescue until morning. He walked away with just a few minor aches and bruises but alive and able to share his story with our church. He had talked about what happened and showed a slide show of pictures of the area he was skiing at and then pictures of the crevasse he had fallen into. I couldn’t help but shake and weep as I saw the pictures. It sure brought back a lot of memories. And the pictures were so similar to the pictures of the crevasse that Spencer had fallen into. It sure hit home. It is events like this that make you sit back and think... why did Spencer have to die, but this man was spared. The answers will never be known. But I do know that God has a plan and a purpose for each of us. And it is not in our timing but in Gods timing that this plan is worked out.

Right now I am busy with working on the 4th Annual Spencer Berezowski Memorial Golf Tournament. It is so hard to believe that 4 years have gone by. A friend of mine had her baby the night that Spencer died and I saw her today as she is celebrating her 4th birthday. It is a constant reminder to me as to how long he has been gone. I look at my kids and see how much they have grown since that day 4 years ago. Time sure does fly by. Life is too short to sweat the small stuff, and I need to constantly remind myself of that, and not take things or people for granted. I know these past few days have been hard on Jamie as I get very quiet and distant, as it is just my way of dealing with the events leading up to this day. But he is very compassionate and understanding. Today my sister took me out for lunch and I was very grateful to spend the time with her and her beautiful kids to help me try and take my mind off today. Jamie had bought me a very beautiful flower arrangement from the same flower shop that Spencer use to buy me flowers at. He just wanted to cheer me up.

But I couldn’t help but think about the time that Spencer would have woke up, got ready to head up the mountains, and the events leading up to his death. I think about his buddies that were with him that day, and how they cope year after year after seeing their friend die. How difficult it still must be for them. There are so many triggers throughout the day that I just can’t forget. Even last night in bed around midnight I remembered the last conversation I had with Spencer. I think this is a natural thing and I may never forget the events of this day. Right now at 10pm, is the same time that I got the final phone call from the RCMP to tell me that Spencer had been pronounced dead. How can I ever forget something like this? I don’t think God expects me to ever forget either.

I recall a conversation I had with my Grandfather a year after Spencer died and he was talking to me about his wife that had died at about the same age Spencer was. My Grandfather was 90 years old and still remembering and talking about his love that had died so many years ago. He still missed her and felt so bad for me to have to go through losing a spouse like he had. I guess we had a connection. My grandfather passed away in August of this past year. He too will be dearly missed.

I just want you to know that we are doing well. The kids still talk about Daddy and miss him, but we have all been blessed and thankful for Jamie being in our lives. He will never replace Spencer as their Daddy but he is a great male role model that they had missed and needed. Taylor now has a man to do man things with again and he sure enjoys that. Poor little guy was surrounded by 3 girls far too long.
So take care my friends. I hope and pray all is well with each of you. May God Bless and protect you and your families.

March 4,2009 : I have kept myself very busy today as I would be celebrating my 9th wedding anniversary with Spencer. I still can not believe that if he was still here we would be celebrating 9 years together. I know I would have recieved a bouquet of flowers from him today as he did this on each anniversary. Today is very much like the day we got married with respect to the weather. It was a sunny day much like today and I remember leaving on our honeymoon a couple days later and my Mom keeping newspaper articles of the storms we had missed while we were away. I pray that does not happen again this year. The warm weather can stay.

In my quiet moments alone there are days that I wonder what life would be like with Spencer still here and what we would be doing. But life goes on and a great deal of healing has gone on in my life. I have had so much support from family and friends over the past years. I could not imagine having to go through this alone.

God has been so faithful to me. He found me knew love, something I never thought would happen. And new life growing inside me. Nothing is imposible for God and my life is living proof of what He has done in and through me. For all of this I am so thankful.

Just the other day Morgan came up to me and told me that she misses her Daddy, and it brought tears to my eyes as I know she has not forgotten him. I am so thankful that she still has enough memories of him to acknowledge that she still misses him and loves him. She often asks me what it is like in heaven where Daddy is. And as people die she asks me if they will get to see Daddy now too. She is so very sensitive to death and where people go when they die. God Bless her. I love the innocence of children. Somedays I wish I was more like a child in my trust and Faith in what God has planned for us. We jsut have to remember to take life one day at a time. And to NEVER take life for granted. I really need to be reminding myself this on a daily basis. The death of Spencer has taught me that, but there are days I tend to forget how quickly life can be taken away from us. I guess that is my prayer for everyone too, to remember how short life really is, and what really maters is where we are going after this life. May God Bless you all.

Last night was a bit of a stretch for me as I cleaned out Spencer's side of the closet. Going through all of his clothes and remembering certain times of him wearing certain clothes. I knew there would come a time that I would have to do this, and it is healing to go through everything again. A hard thing to do, and yet at the same time a relief to have it done. With my up coming wedding less than 2 weeks away, i knew it was something that had to get done not only for myself but also for Jamie. It's only fair to him for us to be starting our new life together to make this room that was once me and Spencer's now Jamie and mine. The memories will ALWAYS be with me but his stuff will be gone just as he is. I still miss him but I am very greatful to have the memories. God Bless you all!

Well yesterday would have been Spencer’s 35th birthday and I probably would have had a big party for him. Kind of like the one I had for his 30th. It was a surprise party but I’m not too sure he was all that surprised. I think he recognized some of the vehicles parked in front of our house. Oh well, I still will never forget the look on his face when he came around the corner of the house to the back yard where everyone was waiting to shout “surprise”. He was wearing his beige shorts and a green shirt and carrying a case of BUD beer. I think the most memorable gift he got was the one from his parents. He opened up the first one and pulled out a hose to a shop vac and said, “I hope I’m getting the vac too?” Of course he did. His parents were always good about giving him nice gifts.

I miss celebrating birthdays with Spencer’s. He always enjoyed having cheese cake, and we would have one every year on his birthday. It was his favorite desert, and he loved the cheese cake that Christine would make best. He asked me to get the recipe, but I still couldn’t make it as well as she did. I hope he enjoyed a nice big piece of cheese cake yesterday in heaven.

Another event that Spencer enjoyed doing was going to K-Days. He loved the rides but most of all he loved the corn dogs. He would go to K-Days just to get the foot long corn dog with mustard. I have some great pictures of the last time we went to K-Days with Spencer. Morgan was so small going on the rides with her Daddy. There were a few rides that I thought she was going to get squished by him. Great times!!! So we went to the Exhibition last Saturday with Spencer’s family and enjoyed a great day with them. Taylor wanted to go on the big slide that he and Daddy went on. So they went on it a few times. I know Taylor was thinking of his Daddy. I know Kalie missed having her Daddy there too, because they would take off and go on some of the “BIGGER” rides. She didn’t get to do that this year, and I felt really bad for her.

So last night we were celebrating a friend’s birthday and I had a really great day with Renee and her kids and Jamie and my kids and some good friends, two of them being bridesmaids from our wedding. It was a pretty late night for s and I’m sure if Spencer was still here he would have been there celebrating with Wendell too. We were playing some campfire games and Spencer was always a good candidate of forgetting how the game would go and had to drink, probably done on purpose so he COULD drink, hehehe.

It’s still hard to believe that Spencer has been gone for over 3 years already. I really don’t know where the time has gone. God has been so good to me, and I was so blessed to have him in my life and to have had 2 beautiful children with him to allow his legacy to live on through them. For that I am very thankful. I love seeing what our kids do and thinking, “That is exactly what Spencer would do, or say.” God is amazing in how he created us. So unique yet so much like each other too. What an awesome amazing God he is! Spencer will forever have a special place in my heart and I will cherish the many memories we shared together forever. God bless you all and take care!!

It's been 3 years today since you left us. We miss you now as much as when you first left. We miss the little things you used to do like coming to visit & laying on the couch, or leaving the empty raviolli can on the cupboard after you ate it when no one else was at home. I miss the little noise you used to make when you were just standing beside us and most of all I miss the facial hair you used to grow, I think just to get to your mother. Love you, Spencer.
Mom & Dad

I am missing Spencer as much today as I did last year on this day, and the year before on this day. To think that 3 years ago today as I am writting this on the 28th I was talking to Spencer on Sheldon's cel phone as he was driving to McBride, and it was about this time that he would have been pulling into McBride. We talked about being safe on the mountain and Spencer telling me he would call me when he got down from the mountain the next day. I told him how much I loved him and he told me "I love you more" as he would always say that to me. I know I had a great sleep that night, and thought nothing of the fact that that would be the last time I would talk to my Spencer. The years have gone by, but the precious memories I have of Spencer will live with me forever in my heart. Yes time heals, but it will never take away the emptiness that his death left in a piece of my heart. There will always be those memories that I will cherish and share with our children forever. For that is all we have left when a loved one dies, is the memories that they left behind. And we sure had some great times together. I hope and pray that as another year has gone by, that you all remember the great guy that Spencer was and that your hearts have healed some too. God Bless you all. And I love you all!!

Spencer,
i pray to god everyday that you will watch over your family and nicole. i will promis you that i will take care of nicole the way you did. i know she misses you so much and i wish you could be here on your special day. Spencer you where the greatest husband to her and nobody will take that away from you. now that your in gods arms he will take care of you.

As I am scrolling through the guest book, I just wanted to say that every time I sit on my deck and look to the west in the sky there is the one shining star that always sticks out and I now that I am looking at my dear nephew Spencer!!! A warm feeling comes over me like you would never believe. I have mentioned the same star to Wesley and he feels that it is the same star that he sees every time he looks up in the sky.

Nicole and kids, I look forward to seeing you at the next memorial golf tournament.

Love always Auntie Diane

As I sit here at my computer still wide awake at 2am, I get an e-mail from Big Earl radio station reminding me that it is my anniversary today and I better go out and get something. Right! Well, it would be my 8th wedding anniversary today if Spencer were still here. Instead of spending the day with him and having a nice dinner together, I am shopping for a flower girl dress for Sheldon's wedding, on supervision at the school and then have a soccer practice later tonight. Not exactly how I would be spending my day if Spencer was still here. I will never ever forget the look in his eyes on our wedding day and when he wiped a tear from his eyes when I was walking down the aisle. Then there's the unity candle that would not light. And the pastor telling everyone, "it's just a symbol folks" . it never did light that day. The one thing about that day that is one of my most treasured memories is when we got to kiss. Spencer had the most gentle lips I had ever kissed and the way he held my face in his hands was so tender and dear. Those are memories I will treasure forever. Then we went to The Inglewood for some drinks and the guys won 2 stuffies out of the machine and gave one to Brendan and one to Kalie. Oh how the momories just come flooding back to me. There was a reason I did not go to bed tonight. It was to honor him and the marriage we had started 8 years ago today. I will never stop loving him and will always have him in my heart. When Spencer died a piece of my heart died with him. And his memories will live in another piece of my heart till the day I die. In loving memory of my husband Spencer! I miss you and love you! What's the good word!! How's it goin? For you the world the skies the limit! All little things he would say to me.
Love Nicole

Sitting at work today- heard Spice Girls on the radio..... thought of Spencer ! That guy will forever be in my thoughts. Miss Ya Spencer!!

It’s been awhile since I have added anything to here. But wanted to share what happened to us on Saturday Dec.22 when we were heading out to my parents house in Lobstick. We left Edmonton after stopping at 3 different parties and the kids and I were on our way to Lobstick for Christmas with the family. It was 8:15pm and it started to snow at Gainford. The road was snow covered and as we drove west my visibility was getting less and less. We got to Evansburg and Taylor said that maybe we should just pull over and we can sleep in the truck. I had just finished telling the kids the story of when Spencer and I had drove to Saskatoon for New Years Dec.31/98 with Don and Aments van and it was snowing really badly and the road was snow covered and low visibility. I told them I was thankful Daddy was driving because I don’t like driving in that type of weather. Well, we kept on driving and not even 3 minutes after crossing the bridge at Evensburg the semi that was driving behind us passed us. This was a good thing I thought, because then I could follow his lights and know where I was going. That’s how bad it was. Well, as he passed me he threw up all the snow on the road leaving my totally blind. I remember hitting the rumple strip on the side of the road, and then hitting it again, and next thing you know it, we are driving into the ditch. Still not seeing where I am going until the truck comes to a stop in the middle of the ditch. I am just so thankful that there was no damage to the truck and no one was hurt. Morgan was freaking out and crying, but other than that, we are all fine. I have never experienced anything like that before. And to think I was thinking of Spencer right before it happened. I know he was watching over us. It took 25 minutes before anyone even stopped to see if we needed help. My Dad was on his way to pull us out, and 40 minutes later we were out and on our way to their house.

On another note, I had taken Spencer gold chain that I was wearing around my neck to a Jeweler and had them make 4 bracelets out of it. I gave them to each of the kids on Christmas morning and told them it was in Memory of Daddy. Now we each have a piece of his chain to keep. Taylor is not too sure about it. He thinks it’s girly. I guess I just have to keep on telling him that Daddy wore it as a chain and it’s a keepsake in memory of Daddy. The girls however have not taken theirs off since putting them on. What a precious gift.

Well, I hope you have had a very Blessed CHRISTmas and all the best in the New Year. I pray 2008 will be a great year for you and may God’s peace be with you. Take care.

I was standing on my bed yesterday looking for something up ontop the bed wall unit, and in the dust ontop, Kalie had written infront of the family picture of us taken at K-Days in 2003, "Daddy I miss you". I have no idea how long it has been there or when she wrote it. My poor children having to grow up without their Daddy. It really is sad. I have no idea what they are going through or the emotions they deal with daily not having their Dad around. They really miss him.

Daddy I miss you! I wish you never would have fallen in that hole and died! Mommy why did Daddy have to die?

I love you Daddy, Morgan

Tonight I have been preparing myself mentally and physically for a funeral I am attending tomorrow. Spencer's friend Kim Tilley, her Dad passed away on Monday. His funeral is tomorrow. I have not attended a funeral since Spencer's. I'm not sure yet how I am going to handle it. I just pray for God's strength for me and for the whole Tilley family as they deal with this loss.

Spencer and Tilley were good friends and I know he would be there for her now if he could be. One of the last memories I have with Tilley and Spencer was at Shawn's house for Sheldon's 30th birthday party. Spencer had this red sweater on that was WAY too small for him, and Tilley was behind him posing with Spencer's arms in the air like he was showing off his HUGE muscles. You have to see the pictures.

Anyway, I just pray for God's healing hand on the Tilley Family. May God Bless you and be with you all.

Well the kids all started school this week. Morgan is in Kindergarten. Her teacher is one of my friends, Mrs. Watt. Her first full day is on Friday. She goes full days on Tuesday and Friday's and the odd Wednesday. She is going to have so much fun. She already knows a lot of the kids in her class as they go to our church or have gone to her preschool. Taylor is in Grade 2. His teacher is one of my friend’s sisters. Her name is Miss Armbruster. What a special lady she is. Taylor is very lucky to have her for his teacher this year. Kalie is in grade 7. Junior High, scary stuff. She has a fabulous teacher as well. Ms.Dohms. She is also one of my friend’s sisters. What are the chances? They all take the bus to school now. They get picked up right across the street from our house at 8:25 and get home at 3:55. I'm extremely excited for their year. The school has just amazing teachers that care and love and pray for their kids. I know I made the right decision in switching them to this school.

Boy could I sure use Spencer’s handy work. We need to build a fence. He and I built the fence in our last house and had such a great time doing it. We worked well together, for the most part. We made a great team and did such a great job. I wish he was here to help me build this one too. I also need the rest of the base boards put on in the house. Spencer just didn’t get around to it. He did the bedrooms after we painted, but didn’t get to the rest of the house. I’m pretty use to it now. We also talked about finishing Kalie’s room off with laminate as well as down the stair and hall. Oh the never ending work that needs to be done. Hey maybe I could get Donny to come do it all. lol. Just kidding. I’m working on cleaning out the toy room and filtering out some toys and organizing. The kids have way too many. Yes we have a toy room that has lots of shelves and bins, but I still don’t think they need all these toys. I don’t know what Spencer would say if he saw all these toys. With the kids all being in school now, I have time to go through it all with them not here. Perfect opportunity to get rid of lots that they won’t even miss anyways. Spencer and I actually did that to each others clothes in our closet. We went to each others side and started pulling every thing out that we hadn’t seen the other wear in at least a year. If you haven’t worn it for a year, you probably won’t and we got rid of lots.

My Mom was at my house the other day and she couldn’t even open my fridge freezer without something falling out of it. Well that too use to be Spencer’s job. He hated an over full freezer. Why you can’t just put things in the big freezer in the basement, he would say. He would just start pitching things out.

I heard our wedding song, Truly, Madly, Deeply by Savage Garden on the radio yesterday when Morgan and I were driving and I started to cry. She asked why I was crying and I explained it to her. She just sat there staring at me with those big blue eyes all concerned and not knowing what she could do for me. There are so many things that still trigger my memory of times with Spencer. I was telling someone the other day about when Spencer proposed to me and how he was so nervous I thought he was having a heart attack. Poor guy. He was so nervous. I love him and miss him so much.

I was going though some old video tapes get put onto DVD so that we can watch them the other day. I found the tape to when we met. Laughed my head off at some of the clips. Didn’t watch it all, just a few shots. Hilarious. Can’t wait to watch it. Found the video of when we were renovating the basement. Taylor enjoyed seeing Daddy use the saw and stuff. I’m so very thankful I took the time to video tape. Soon I will have it on DVD and can watch it anytime. We will laugh and cry together as a family. I can’t wait to see him again. Anyway, hope you are all doing well. God Bless you and take care. Please share your memories of Spencer. I would love to hear some.

Love Nicole and kids

Today is Morgan’s 5th Birthday. I can’t believe she is starting school in just a couple weeks. Where has the time gone? We moved out to the Fort when Morgan was just a month old. So much has changed since then. I just wanted to share with you the notes Spencer took while I was in labor with Morgan. He was pretty much to the point with her compared to how many notes he wrote when Taylor was born.

Went to Doctor’s appointment @ 10:30am about 2cm baby engaged. Dr. Boulton said”we will have baby today go for a walk and go to hospital @ 1:30." Went to hospital, hooked up to NST monitor.
Nurse did internal @ 2:30 N/C. Spencer left.
3:15pm Nurse back, will put on drip when room comes open.
4pm new nurse. Off monitor, pee break. Still waiting for room to go on drip. Put on bracelet to admit.
4:15pm put on drip.
4:25pm Dr. Boulton showed up. Nicole is 3cm dilated and doctor broke her water.
4:45pm Nurse moves Nicole into delivery room.
5:30pm contractions are getting stronger. Asking for epidural next time nurse comes in. More water gushing out. Baby must be moving around.
6:15pm Nicole got her epidural.
6:25pm Dr. Boulton checks, about 4cm dilated. Intern came and did a physical and asked history questions about health of Kalie and Taylor’s births.
6:40pm Nurse put in catheter.
7:40pm Nicole 7cm dilated.
Nicole fully dilated at 9pm. One push baby was out at 9:05pm. Baby and Mom are doing great. 9lbs 6oz. 20cm long.

So there it is. I remember looking over at Spencer when she was born, it was only him and a nurse in the room when Morgan came, and he was crying. He was so happy. He was the first one to hold her. I will never forget that. She is so much like him too. Everyone that knew Spencer and even those that don’t see his picture and say how much Morgan looks like her Daddy. She is very much like him. Maybe that’s why she says so much, “Mommy I wish Daddy wouldn’t have fallen in that hole and hit his head and died. I wish he was still here. I miss him.” She talks about him the most out of the 3 of them. Lately Taylor has been crying at night about how much he misses Daddy. It’s got to be very hard for them to have to grow up without a Daddy. I will never know how they feel. All I know is that I was very fortunate to grow up in a home with 2 parents. It’s not an easy task having to be a Mommy and a Daddy. I wish so much that my kids still had their Daddy in their lives, but God had another plan for us.

A day does not go by that I don’t miss Spencer, and wish he was still here with us. But the reality is that he is not with us anymore. We have had to figure out a life with out him. It sure has been a challenge and very difficult at times. But overall I am very thankful for what I have and focus on that rather than on what I don’t have. I hope and pray you are all doing well. Take care, and God Bless you all!
Love Nicole and family

Hi Nicole-
It was nice seeing you in May... Ikea trip and all. I know you and Rob had a good time while i checked out the store. Lots of Laughs. I am glad you are doing ok. You look great-
I know i've said this before, but something little and silly reminded me of Spencer today so I wanted to drop a line to say i was thinking of him and you and your family. That guy will always have a spot in my heart!!
Take care~
Karen

Well, as I sit here at my friends house to write this because my computer crashed on me about a month ago, and I have been without, here it goes. What can I say about today. It’s been a good day so far. The kids and I went to church and then went golfing this afternoon. On the way to the golf course we heard the song on the radio " Cats in the Cradle" and also a song by George Canyon, " I want you to live". Since the first time I heard this song, it has touched my life. The words are so much like my life and what I have been through and what Spencer would want me to do, To live on. Anyway, we had lots of fun despite the cold and rain that we got. We prayed that the rain would stop so we could finish our game, and the sun started to peak out for a short moment, and then it was gone again. We have decided to go golfing every year on this day. The kids thought it would be a great way to remember Daddy and the fun times we had together by doing something fun. Then we went out for supper to BP’s and of course Kalie had to order the cheese cake because that’s what Daddy would order. We have had a wonderful day in spite of it being a rough day for us all. We chose to do something fun and remember Spencer that way, rather then wallow in our tears and grief. I know that I am still going to shed my big tears yet tonight, when the actual time of 10pm hits as this was the time I was phoned to let me know Spencer was pronounced dead, but that is okay to do too.

I have been taking some counselling sessions now. It’s been 2 years now and I have gone without talking to a professional about my grief, and thought it was time. It’s been very helpful and really opened me up to things that I would never have thought. As a matter of fact, I have taken off Spencer’s chain and I am getting it made into 4 bracelets. One for each of us to wear as a remembrance of him. I’m quite excited about this. It was a load off my shoulders in more than one way. My counsellor has really encouraged me with the journey that I am on and she is quite impressed at the way that I have handled my grief to this point. I have closed another chapter in my like and am starting a whole new one again. I can’t wait to see what God has in store for the kids and I. He has been so good to us and provided for us in the past 2 years more than I could ever have imagined. Losing a spouse is a tough thing, probably the hardest thing that I will ever go through in my life but I have also learned some very valuable lessons along the way. I also know that death is all a part of life and that we will all die one day, but I never imagined Spencer was going to die this quickly into our marriage. I was still just getting to know him and learn things about him and I’m still learning things about him even now in his death. Donny sent the kids a CD with some of his own songs and some other songs that he sang for them, and one of the songs was “Cats in the Cradle” and on the CD Donny said that Spencer really liked that song. So that was really cool to hear. Now every time the kids hear the song they call it Daddy’s song.

April 24th was another day that I sat and ponder on some of the memories of Spencer. You see, it was the day my brother got married in 1999. Spencer and I played this little trick on my family at the dance. I put on a really fancy ring that was one of my aunts and Spencer and I walked up to my parents to tell them we had something important to share with them, and we told them we had just got engaged that night. Well, they weren’t quite sure what to say, and then they could see our faces that we weren’t serious. Then later that night I caught the bouquet and not even 2 months later we were engaged. And what a happy day it was.

Well, I think that I am going to leave you with this. Live each day to the fullest as we don’t know what tomorrow will bring. I hope you have all taken a moment to remember our dear Spencer today. I’m going to say good-bye for now before I get too deep into this, as I do not want to cry while I’m at my friends. So for now my friends, God Bless you all.

Love Nicole and kids

Today I should be celebrating my 7th wedding anniversary with Spencer, but God had other plans. I unplugged the phone, curled up on the couch with Spencer’s green ratty blanket and watched our wedding video. Of course I cried my eyes out. I really needed to see Spencer like that again. I miss him so much. Of course what gets me the most is when Donny sings “Can you feel the Love Tonight”. I’m so very thankful for having my wedding on video. I will treasure it always.

I also decided to watch my video from my Bridal Shower, and I need to share some of the results with you. I was asked many questions about Spencer. I had to answer it right in order to open my presents. Here are a few of the questions. See how many you would have answered correctly.
1. What was Spencer’s 1st vehicle? I said a Geo Storm. I was wrong; it was a ’79 Honda Civic
2. What was his favorite food? I was right with Chinese Food
3. Who was Spencer’s favorite teacher? I had no idea, it was Mr. Bowers
4. Where was Spencer born? I was right with Edmonton in the Misericordia Hospital
5. What Skidoo did he have? Spencer said “She’ll probably say a yellow one”
6. What year did he graduate? I was right with ‘94
7. What is Spencer’s favorite subject? I said gym, okay it was actually Math (can you believe it?)
8. How many times had Spencer been on a plane? I was right, never
9. What is Spencer’s favorite Hockey team? I said Edmonton Oiler’s, but it’s actually New York Rangers
10. What is his shoe size? I was right with size 10
11. What year were his parents married in? We both said I think 1970
12. What was Spencer’s 1st job? I was right with working for his parents in Blaine Lake
13. What was Spencer’s favorite color? I was right with Blue
14. What position did he play in hockey? I said right wing, I was wrong, it was left wing
15. Where was the farthest Spencer had traveled? I was right with California
16. What was the name of Spencer’s imaginary friend’s name? I knew he didn’t have one
17. Which leg did Spencer break? I was right with both

On that same video was our hall decorating and rehearsal. Spencer was the one who put all the black and white flower pom-poms on our Spencer & Nicole sign that was at the head table. And Spencer and I were both caught in the cooler at the hall eating cheese and meat off the platter. Mom caught us red handed. And the look on Spencer’s face was priceless. I also watched the video of us getting ready for the wedding, and when I was getting my make-up done, I said to my Aunty Deb and Mom that Spencer was going to have problems taking off my bra. You see it had a front closure clasp and I had a hard enough time putting it on.Well, i was right. He couldn't figure that one out. He was very good at the clasps on the back though. He could undo a bra with one hand. It was an art I tell you.

I’m listening to all the speeches that we had at the dinner. The toast to me by Ryan at the end he had said, “Spencer you may be marrying her, but I kissed her first.” I just got a cute laugh at what was just said. They were listing off all the attributes and things about us. Spencer’s list was very short; mine on the other hand was quite long. We both didn’t like to keep a clean room. Then Toni mentions some of the differences between boy and girl, or Spencer and Nicole, right and wrong, black and white, and then Donny blurts out Fat and Skinny. Toni says in Spencer’s defense, “you’re not fat Spencer, you’re just too short.”

I just wanted to share some of these great memories with you today. On the day that I gave my whole heart and love to Spencer to Love him and honor him all the days of my life until death parts us. I have realizes that I am no longer married to Spencer, though my heart will always love him. I need to go watch the video presentation of all the pictures of us as kids and growing up and meeting now. He will always be my one true love, and I need to take the time to remember him today. It’s been a great day of remember him by watching all these video’s. I only wish he was here to celebrate this day with me. Remembered always and in my heart, I love you and miss you Spencer.

Well, 2006 is almost over. I can’t say I’m happy about that, and I can’t say I’m looking forward to 2007. I actually don’t know what I’m thinking right now. I lay in bed last night, Friday Dec.29th, being exactly 20 months since Spencer died, and all I could think about was the day it happened, and just how quickly someone can be gone from our lives. I have really learned to appreciate people and not to take for granted anyone, as they are here one day and could be gone the next. I was reading in a book of poems that my Aunt sent to me for Christmas and there was a poem near the end of the book that really reminded me of Spencer and the things that we wanted to do together and growing old together and just everything that I am missing out on with him not being here anymore. And I guess it’s just really hard to understand the whole theory behind God’s plan and why this had to happen to me, and I really didn’t come up with much. I know that I have put all my trust in God’s hands and He has looked after us, but God, when will the pain and grief end? I wish I had the answer to this.
It’s so hard sometimes, being alone and being the Mom and Dad in the family, and just always thinking about Spencer and how different life would be if he was still here. I know they say “Time heals, and the first year is always the hardest”. Well, who are they to say that. It will be 2 years before I know it, and it’s not getting any easier. Okay, I admit, there are some Friday’s that pass and I have not ran through the whole scenario in my head, but that is very few and far between. I know that I have to move on, which I believe I have, but that doesn’t mean forgetting about Spencer. I could never forget about him, and how much we love him. The kids and I talk about him every day. Morgan just out of the blue the other day said to me, “Mommy, I have Daddy’s bum.” Now I don’t know where she got that from, or why she said it, but it made me laugh, because Spencer use to tease me about my bum, and say, “Poor Morgan, she is stuck with her Mommy’s bum.”
I was reminiscing about a Christmas a few years back when we were heading out to Lobstick and Spencer was sicker than a dog. We had to stop 3 or 4 times on the side of the highway so he could throw up. Not fun. Well, I was sick this Christmas, not the throwing up, but everything else. It’s not been a very nice December for me. First tearing the ligaments in my left ankle, and now being sick. Not a good way to end 2006. Hope this doesn’t say anything about how my 2007 is going to be.
For my first Christmas with Spencer he bought me a dressy grey skirt and matching top and sweater, and a really cozy robe, and of course a Spa package. He bought me one every Christmas. He always spoiled me. And I remember the look on his face when he opened the Skidoo helmet that I bought him. I have a picture of him trying it on. Well, would you know it, it was the helmet that he was wearing when he died, and now I wear it. Yes, he had a bigger head than me, but I wear a toque and balaclava underneath my helmet to stay nice and cozy.
Well, it’s time to say good-bye to 2006. This will be my last entry this year. I look forward to sharing more memories of Spencer with you in the coming year. Have a safe New Year, and have a Voka & coke in Spencer’s memory. ( That’s how he said Vodka, for those that don’t know) Take care, and God Bless.

Love Nicole and kids

Today is Christmas Day and the 2nd Christmas without Spencer. For some reason, I miss him more today than last Christmas. This was his favorite time of the year. His Dad wasn't around much when he was little as he was driving truck, but he always made it home for Christmas. I remember Don, Jodi & Spencer begging to open just one gift on Christmas Eve and of course their Dad would always give in and then it became a tradition. On Christmas morning, thier Dad would alwasy be so tired from being on the road for so long that it always took so long for him to come down Christmas morning and of course the longer it took, the more excited the kids got. When he finished torturing them by showering and dressing first before coming down the stairs, their excitement could hardly be contained. It was always an exciting time for all. Christmas will always have a little less excitement now that Spencer is not around, but he will always be in our thoughts. Love you.
Mom & Dad B

Today Taylor turns 6 years old. I remember Spencer and me driving in his old truck down in Rundle Park going over all the speed bumps trying to induce labor because I was over due. Well, that didn’t work. Taylor was 10 days late, and I still had to be induced to have him. Spencer wrote all the notes from every nurse coming in and checking me to how bad my contractions got. When my water broke he wrote a note of “It was like Niagara Falls” It was pretty cute. He also wrote, “My Nicole is in a lot of pain. I hope they come with the epidural soon.” He didn't like to see me in the pain I was in. He was much better once I got the epidural. Spencer went to the store to buy a deck of cards so we could play because we knew it was going to be a long day. I remember Spencer having to go out to move the car because he was still parked in the Emergency parking and didn’t want to get a ticket. As a matter of fact, I think he did get a ticket. I will never forget the look on his face when Taylor was born. There were tears rolling down his face. He was so happy! Spencer stayed with me and Taylor for a while in our room, but eventually left to go home and get some sleep. He came back the next morning with Kalie and some flowers. I will always treasure the memories I have of that night.

I guess today is a day of remembering Spencer. I am just sitting here on the computer inputting data for Kalie’s soccer team and listening to the radio, and the song Amazed by Lonestar just came on. That was the 2nd song played at our wedding. This morning while I was laying in bed our wedding song Truly, Madly, Deeply by Savage Garden was playing, and then 3 songs later Amazed was playing. So it’s been a very emotional day. I just sat on the couch and looked at Spencer’s portrait. I would give anything for a moment with him, just to see him, or touch him. I really miss his hands as they held my face when he kissed me. I miss the towel he use to hang on our bedroom door knob. I miss his socks lying on the floor. I miss his snoring, and the little hmm,hmm noise he would make. I miss how he would just hold me at night and make me feel so loved and protected. I miss how he would tickle my back at night. I miss how I would just wake up in the middle of the night and just stare at him and all his beauty. I miss picking the lint out of his belly button. I miss the numerous phone calls I would get from him everyday while he was working, just to tell me he loved me. I miss running my fingers through his hair, especially just after he got it cut. I miss everything about him, and I could sit here all day and list them all, but that would be just too much.

So besides me having such an emotional day with missing my Spencer, I’m dealing with 3 children who are throwing up. Not fun. Kalie started last night at 11pm, then Taylor this morning at 8am, and Morgan at 2pm. hopefully I don’t get it. Spencer was not sick very often. But when he was sick he was sick. I remember a time his stomach was making so much noise and moving around so much he actually had to go on a prescription for all the gas that he had. I also remember a time we were driving out to my parents for Christmas and we had to pull over about 3 different times so Spencer could throw up. And when a grown man like him threw up, I’m sure people on the other side of the hiway could hear him. Yeah, not nice. It was pretty bad. (Donny will enjoy hearing all about this!) Anyway, please pray that my kids will get well soon, and that I don’t get it. I do not have time to be sick right now. We’ve been very blessed to be so healthy. I knew it would hit us sometime. Anyway, hope you are all well.

I know it’s been awhile since I put an entry in, but I’ve been missing Spencer so much, that it’s been hard at times to just sit down and share. But I just don’t want to forget things about him. This is my way of venting and I hope that it will lead to the healing that I need with my grief. Anyway, take care all, and God Bless you.

Love Nicole

It has been raining here for about two weeks now and while driving to work this morning, listening to a new disk we had burnt, the song "she talks to angels" by the black crows came on. I couldn't help but to think of you Nicole and of course Spencer right away. I found myself yelling out " I miss ya buddy" I know he heard it!! I had a wonderfull time at the golf tourney..... what a blast, I think it would have been exactly the same if Spencer would have planned it himself!! gotta go to work..... we love you nicole and think of you guys often!!

I got ready for work as usual this morning, walked out into the garage and got in my car and headed on the road. Not feeling the actual temperature outside- I don't notice it's a bit nippy +8.. a nice cool morning . I pull into the parking lot at work and got out of my car. The smell of fresh dewey cool air made me instantly think of waking up on the Houseboat...which in turn made me think of Spencer. I smiled inside. Miss him so much, always in my thoughts....

Karen Keep

Today, Spencer would have been 33. I remember his 30th birhday party and look at the pictures with his cheezy grin. How I miss that grin. It was a great party. Nicole, Spencer would be so proud of you and the way you are handling life. I'm sure he knew you would be strong enough to carry on without him. I know you will enjoy that cheesecake you're having tonight. I think everyone who knew Spencer should have a piece of cheesecake in his honor. It has to be plain though, as that was his favorite. Enjoy, and we love you.

Mom & Dad B

Today is Spencer’s birthday. The kids and I went out and bought a cheesecake. This is all we have ever had for his birthday. It is his favorite desert. But it has to be plain. Morgan wanted to buy the chocolate cheesecake but Taylor said that we had to buy the plain one because that was the one Daddy liked. He liked just plain Jane nothing on it. So we will remember him today and have a piece of cheesecake in his memory.



The Spencer Berezowski 1st Annual Memorial Golf Tournament held on June 23rd was very successful. We had just under 100 golfers at the beautiful River Ridge golf course in Edmonton. I was so overwhelmed by the whole thing. I broke down in tears a few times that day. Just seeing everyone lined up in their golf carts getting ready to ride off to their holes was awesome. I couldn’t believe the support from everyone. There were so many people there that didn’t even know us or Spencer and just came out to support the cause. All money raised went to The Berezowski Children’s trust Fund. It was very successful. We raised $15000. Wow!!! I couldn’t believe it. People are just so generous and have such big hearts. I think Jay said my kids will all be going to Harvard. What a great way to remember Spencer. He was a great golfer. Not one to golf a whole lot. But when he did golf he was a natural. I loved to watch him golf.



I will always remember the trip to Waskasiu and the great times we had golfing with Rob & Karen and Jaimie & LJ. I think this is where the guys saw a bear on the golf course, and did a goose get hit on this trip too? Spencer was quite the golfer. He had the best golfing shoes I have ever saw. He was wearing his oh so comfortable hiking boots. Yes that’s right leather hiking boots. I’m surprised he was actually allowed on the course with them. I still have them in the trailer.



Another great golfing memory of Spencer for me would be when Jodi, Donny, Spencer and I went golfing while on holidays in Kenora. They didn’t have any carts for us, so we had to carry our bags. Well no, not really, they did have pull carts for us. Those who know Spencer well know that Spencer only golf’s with a cart. Well, Spencer didn’t last the 18 holes. His feet were getting so sore, he gave up. He threw his golf club into the bush and sat down and didn’t move. Then Donny played Neil Diamonds song for Spencer He Ain’t Heavy, He’s my Brother. Spencer just about died listening to this song. It was hilarious!



For Spencer’s 30th Birthday I planned a Surprise party for him. Some of his Lillydale buddies took him golfing so that he would be away from home and I could get everyone here. It was definitely a surprise for him. Though he did come back to the house with a case of beer under his arm, so maybe he did know something was up. Either way it was a great day and everyone had fun!



There is not a day that goes by that I don’t think of Spencer and I still dream quite a bit about him. It is a gift from God to dream about him as much as I do. I still listen to his voice mail every night and look at his pictures quite a bit still. It’s not easy living without him, but I have so much to live for and my kids need me and Spencer would want me to be happy. His memories will be with me forever in my heart. He’s the only man I have ever loved and may be the only man I will ever love. My life is in Gods hands. And that is a very good place to be.



Well, that is all for now. Hope to hear some of your memories with Spencer too. Take care everyone and may God Bless you as he has me.



Love Nicole and kids

Monday June 14, 1999 (word for word from my diary)



It’s Monday morning, I called in sick toady. A few too many @ Ben and Cindy’s surprise party. Stayed at Spencer’s. Slept till about 10:00. Got up, went home. Slept some more. Went back to Spencer’s and we went out to Red Lobster for all you can eat snow crab. Yummy!! (Spencer was supposed to be at a ball game but it was his turn to sit) Spencer was done eating ½ hours before me. He kept asking me when I would be done, was I getting full yet? Finally I finished, and he said we should go for a walk, considering we ate so much. So we drove to the ravine on 149 street and Stony Plain road. Parked the car, walked across the street, over the bridge and into the ravine. We weren’t even walking long when I had noticed that Spencer was breathing quite heavy and his heart was pounding. He was a park bench, and thought we should rest. I was thinking, how he could possibly be this out of shape that his heart would be pounding like this. So I took his pulse. It was 180 beats a minute. I then tried to take my pulse and I could not even find it, well it was there, but only 73 beats a minute. I then asked him what was wrong, and he said he was nervous. (I don’t know why!!) He has never been nervous around me. Then we talked about our first date and how he was nervous. Then he told me there was a reason he brought me there. He was very nervous by this time. He was shaking, his lip was quivering and his voice was very shaky. He got down on his knee, I was still sitting on the bench, and he asked me to marry him. He told me how much he loves me and Kalie and that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. Of course I accepted, and we kissed. I didn’t even cry because Spencer was so nervous that I didn’t even have the chance to. The ring was perfect. I could have cried it was so beautiful.



Then we drove to my brother’s house. Dad was supposed to be there too. Only Christine was there. She was happy for us. We left there just after 9pm and went to Granny’s house. Warren and Mary-Anne were there too. There were very happy, and impressed that Spencer had picked the ring out all by himself. We went back to Derrick’s house. Dad and Derrick were home. They were happy. Derrick had to brake open a bottle of rum that he bought on his honeymoon. Derrick just kept pouring drinks. He didn’t wasn’t us to leave. He doesn’t get much company. He put burgers on at 11pm. We left and went home. I left a note for Renee to wake me up when she got home so I could tell her. Well, I couldn’t sleep all night. I had too much racing through my head…who to call… I think Renee got home at about 1:30am. I heard her, so I went and told her. So was so excited. This was a very happy day for me. It came as a total surprise; I was not expecting it this day at all. What a nice surprise indeed. Now for all the planning. Here we go.

Wow, one full year has passed, hard to believe yet the feelings I feel are still as strong as they were then. Just reading your last entry Nicole brought tears to my eyes. One always thinks 'this can't happen to me' well that was the biggest eye opener of my life. Just this past weekend I was at a wedding in Regina, Karen's cousin, and I was sitting with some of her relatives from Blaine Lake and out of the blue her relative Lloyd Hunchak asked if I had talked to Donny lately, then we got on the topic of how Spencer's death was such a shock to us all.



This year the weekend of Spencer's death was very vivid to me as it was once again the plastic bat and ball tournament in Warman. Last year I was on my way there when I got the most horrible phone call from my dad I had ever gotten. This year on my way there I shut off my phone and just thought and thought about my best friend. I love him, and you as well Nicole and also the kids. Don't know what else to write but had to put something in here it has been on my mind all week!! Take care Nicole, we are here for you.

Nicole;

A year has passed since we lost our friend Spencer. I thought about him constantly this past weekend, and remembered all of the good times we shared together. Although i am sad that he is gone, the memories we have make me so happy- it's strange how that works.

I read your last entry and Nicole, I am so proud of you for going for a ride in the Mountains where Spencer did. I think he would be proud too. The way you described the view reminded me of a quote I once read, and it goes like this: " Life should not be measured by the amount of breath's you take, but by the amount of moments that take your breath away"... I can only imagine how beautiful the view is up in the Mountains, and by the way you described it- it 'took your breath away' :) Spencer always had an eye for beautiful things- the Mountains, the Shuswaps, and you Nicole. You are a beautiful, smart, amazing Woman.

Take care, you are always in our thoughts.

Last night I remembered the last conversation I had with Spencer on the phone. He was calling me from just outside of McBride on Sheldon's cel phone. We talked for about 30 minutes. He was calling to let me know he got to McBride safely. I told him to have a safe trip and to ride carefully, and I was happy that he got to go and to have fun. This is something I failed to acknowledge on previous trips he took. You see, I was always jealous that he was going without me. I just wanted to be with him. I didn't want him going because of the risk of him never coming back. But this time was so different. I did not have any hurt or regret with him leaving. I was happy for him. He told me how much he loved me and I told him how much I loved him. One of the last things he said to me was “I’ll call you when we get down tomorrow. I love you lots!” That was the last time I talked to him. Who would think that would be the last time. I may have had so much more to say. But no, I said everything I needed to say. The important things were said. He always called me when he got down off the mountain. Never in the morning before he left.



The kids and I were heading out the door going to Kalie’s school for a Family Dance when the phone rang. It was just before 7pm. My caller ID said McBride RCMP. The first thought that came to me was…Oh man what did he do, or what has he been arrested for? Little did I know what the RCMP on the other end was about to tell me. He told me that Spencer had been in an accident. Still, I wasn’t thinking sledding, I was thinking car accident. He said that he had fallen into a crevasse on the glacier and that they were looking for him. At this point I broke down and the RCMP was trying to explain the situation to me. We talked for a while and he said when he had more news he would call me back. I drove Kalie to the dance and quickly drove home, as to not wanting to miss the phone call. I called the whole family to let them know of the situation. My friends Troy and Bonnie and their little guy Richard were the first to get to my house. My Mom and Dad, Renee and George and Derrick were all there too. By about 8pm I was a basket case not knowing what to think or what to do. I even went and packed a bag to go to McBride in the hopes of Spencer being okay and in the hospital. But deep down in my heart I knew that Spencer had died. I talked to the RCMP again at this time and he told me that search and rescue from Jasper was on their way to help with the rescue. They had the equipment necessary to go down into the crevasse to get Spencer out. Just before 10pm I went into my bedroom and put on one of Spencer’s shirts from his laundry basket. His smell was so real, like he was holding me right then and there. No sooner did I step out of my bedroom and into my living room, the phone rang. I was waiting for the phone to ring because I knew it would be the RCMP calling me to let me know about Spencer. Sure enough it was McBride RCMP. I answered and this was my conversation.

RCMP “Is this Nicole Berezowski?”

Nicole “Yes”

RCMP “We were able to get Spencer out of the crevasse. There were no vital signs……..” At this point he paused, and all I could think was, they have flown him to the hospital and they are working on him. “He has been pronounced dead.” Those words have never left me. I can remember them like it was yesterday. All I remember after that was throwing the phone, dropping to the ground and yelling “No! No! No! Mommy, this can’t be happening to me.” I was devastated. I was in shock. It felt like my heart had just been ripped out of my body, literally. I have never felt like this or acted in this way ever. All I knew was that the love of my life had just died and there was nothing I or anyone could do to change that. My life felt like it was falling apart, and nothing else mattered at this time. I wasn’t even thinking about my kids. The pain and hurt in my heart was so immense that it took over my body. My pastor and some of my friends from my church had come over. They prayed with me, and talked with me. I don’t recall too much after that. The next few days for me were quite a blur truthfully. I did not sleep on that Friday night. When I got out of bed the next day I thought that maybe it was just a bad dream. I walked around like a zombie. I couldn’t eat. I guess this is what happens to your body when you go through shock after this kind of loss.



A year has gone by. I have survived! I am a much stronger woman than I was a year ago. God has put me through the ultimate test, and I think he would be proud of where I am today. I still wear Spencer’s chain and wedding ring around my neck. I still wear my wedding rings. I’m not ready to take any of that off yet. Spencer was my life and every day I can’t believe he is gone. I still listen to his voice mail every night before I go to sleep. Jodi made me a beautiful collogue of pictures of my Spencer. I look at those every night. It is a gift I have truly treasured. That Friday night phone call goes through my mind every Friday night. I miss him so very much. But I know he is with Jesus now, and that brings me such comfort to know he is safe in the arms of Jesus. My kids thank God every night for looking after their Daddy. That’s all I’m going to share today. Until next time. I love you all and thank-you all for the support you have given the kids and me this past year.



Love Nicole, Kalie, Taylor and Morgan

To my dearest family, some things I'd like to say...
but first of all, to let you know, that I arrived okay.
I'm writing this from heaven. Here I dwell with God above.
Here, there's no more tears of sadness; here is just eternal love.

Please do not be unhappy just because I'm out of sight.
Remember that I'm with you every morning, noon and night.
That day I had to leave you when my life on earth was through,
God picked me up and hugged me and He said, "I welcome you."

It's good to have you back again; you were missed while you were gone.
As for your dearest family, they'll be here later on.
I need you here badly; you're part of my plan.
There's so much that we have to do, to help our mortal man."

God gave me a list of things, that he wished for me to do.
And foremost on the list, was to watch and care for you.
And when you lie in bed at night, the day's chores put to flight.
God and I are closest to you....in the middle of the night.

When you think of my life on earth, and all those loving years
because you are only human, they are bound to bring you tears.
But do not be afraid to cry; it does relieve the pain.
Remember there would be no flowers, unless there was some rain.

I wish that I could tell you all that God has planned.
But if I were to tell you, you wouldn't understand.
But one thing is for certain, though my life on earth is o'er.
I'm closer to you now, than I ever was before.

There are many rocky roads ahead of you and many hills to climb;
but together we can do it by taking one day at a time.
It was always my philosophy and I'd like it for you too...
that as you give unto the world, the world will give to you.

If you can help somebody who's in sorrow and pain,
then you can say to God at night......"My day was not in vain."
And now I am contented....that my life has been worthwhile,
knowing as I passed along the way, I made somebody smile.

So if you meet somebody who is sad and feeling low,
just lend a hand to pick him up, as on your way you go.
When you're walking down the street, and you've got me on your mind;
I'm walking in your footsteps only half a step behind.

And when it's time for you to go.... from that body to be free,
remember you're not going.....you're coming here to me.

Ruth Ann Mahaffey (author)
©Copyright 1998-2006

Yes, it's been one year since our Spencer left us so suddenly. It's still hard to believe he's gone. We miss him so much. We sit around and talk about what we did in the past and how Spencer was always so excited about the little things and he was still that way up to the day he died. One thing we know for sure is that he loved the outdoors and if there was anywhere for him to die that mountain was the place. We all have our special memories and when we think of them it always brings tears to our eyes. Spencer, you were so loved by everyone.

Love Mom & Dad

I thought I would let you all know what went on this past weekend. I went on a trip to McBride to go snowmobiling. We left Edmonton on Thursday night. We went to Mount Lucille Friday. It has a 15km groomed trail to the alpine and cabin. Now when they say groomed, I thought they were talking nice smooth ride up to the cabin. Wrong, it was like being on a very bumpy toboggan ride. Well, maybe not that bad. But they say it’s normally not that bad. It was snowing most of the day. We hung a memorial plaque with a picture of Spencer in the cabin. Went riding most of the afternoon. I really enjoyed the ride. Only got the Skidoo stuck 3 times. Thanks to all the guys there to get me out. We couldn’t see all that much as it was starting to get quite socked in. The fog really limited how much you could see. There were times that I couldn’t believe we were actually on a mountain because you just couldn’t see them. But I still had a lot of fun. Didn’t think I would enjoy it as much as I did. I also didn’t think I was going to be able to handle Spencer’s sled as well as I did. He would have been so proud of me. The ride down was quite nice. You see, all of the gauges and lights on the Skidoo have not been working since the accident. And yet when it was time to head down the mountain, my taillights were working and the handle bar warmers were on. I actually had to turn them down because my hands were getting so toasty. Someone was looking after me.



Saturday was the big ride. We went to the Dore snowmobiling. This is where Spencer died. We were there exactly a week before the anniversary date. The ride up the road going in was emotional. Just knowing that Spencer was on that road a year ago, and just everything about the ride up in the truck and what he would have been doing. I was in the truck with Sheldon who was with Spencer on the day he died. So that was tough too. I was pretty quiet going up. We unloaded all the sleds. There were 21 of us that went up. The trail was a lot through the trees and we had to side hill in one spot. Once we got through the trail and to the area before the big climb up to the glacier us girls were paired up with a guy that doubled us up to the glacier. Matty was my sledding partner. Matty was the guy who seen Spencer fall into the crevasse, and rode his sled down the mountain in record time I’m sure to get help on that day of April 29th, 2005. So riding up with Matty was unbelievable. Now before I go any further, I need to explain that going up to Lucille as I mentioned was snowing and socked in, visibility wasn’t great. But we woke up to sunshine Saturday morning. Clear day, just like the day Spencer died. Anyway, we started climbing with the sleds. All the girls rode in the front of the sleds hanging onto the bars. There were 5 of us girls that got doubled up. After the first big climb, we all stopped and got off. I took so many pictures. As a matter of fact, I took a picture that is exactly the same as one of the pictures Spencer took the day he died. I was completely in awe at the beauty of the mountains. I was now able to appreciate why Spencer enjoyed going to the mountains. If only he would have taken me with him. I would have loved to enjoy this with him. It all made sense now. It was absolutely breathtaking. The beauty and majesty of the mountains had me in tears. We sledded further up to the glacier and were able to get about 15-20 feet away from the crevasse that Spencer fell into. We were on the upslope of the crevasse. We came up and around the top part of the glacier and went down. When Spencer died he was climbing up the mountain and went over the crevasse and his sled landed on the upslope of the crevasse and bucked him off and down into the crevasse about 45 feet or so. So I could picture exactly where his sled was sitting. Matty explained to me where the helicopter landed and how search and rescue built snow anchors into the ice and a rescuer was lowered down to get Spencer out. He also showed me where the lake was that he was brought down to. I gave Matty some of Spencer’s ashes and he was able the throw them down the crevasse for me. Being up there was different than any of the pictures the RCMP had taken the next day. Pictures just don’t do it any justice. I couldn’t believe that I was only feet away from where Spencer took his last breath on earth. I can tell you one thing though, in my opinion, Spencer died in the most beautiful place on earth. We had a minute of silence in memory of Spencer. God gave me the strength I needed to be there and experience what I did. It was something that I had to do. I just had to see where Spencer had died. I couldn’t have done it without his friends. I thank each and every person that was there and able to share this time with me. Spencer sure has a lot of great friends that love him and miss him dearly. Once again when it was time to head down the mountain, my taillights were working and the handle bar warmers were working. I was being looked after. I rode Spencer’s Skidoo with confidence and the strength that I never thought I would have. I was not one bit nervous. It was the most amazing weekend. I’m so happy that I was able to do this. It may have been the first time to McBride, but will definitely not be the last. I would like to go up at least once a year now. I think we may even plan a trip in the summer and hike up there. It’s so beautiful!



Well, that’s all for now. I should try and get some sleep. I have not been sleeping all that well this last week or so. I have been waking up frequently through the night and just not getting the sleep that I know I need. It is so very hard to believe that in just a few days it will be a year that my Spencer has been away from me. I know that my strength comes from my faith and the hope of one day seeing Spencer again. What a glorious day that will be. But until then I will continue to dream about Spencer and talk about him to my kids and his memory will live on in all of us. Take care and may God bless you all and give you the strength needed as we approach Spencer’s anniversary date.

I think this is what Spencer would want to say to us...



Hello Honey, I just wanted to send you a message from Heaven to let you know that you are the greatest!! No one has ever loved me like you did, and no one has ever treated me like you did. You are a great Mom, and you were such a supportive wife, lover and friend. I miss you so much..but we will meet again. ..I am sending you a special Hug today and all my love, until we meet again. Tell Kalie and Taylor and Morgan that Daddy loves them, and Is watching from a distance, and Daddy is so proud of them and so proud of mommy.

Loving you always

Your Honey in Heaven!!

Wow!! I can’t believe all the snow we have been getting. It all started on Tuesday night. And now again tonight we are getting more. I just finished shoveling my driveway. It’s 2:30am and I can’t sleep so I thought I would make myself useful and shovel the foot of snow we got. And no it has not stopped snowing but I don’t think I could handle actually pushing more. I wish I had paid more attention to Spencer when he was using the snow blower. I do know that every time he used it he was adjusting the belt on it. It had issues. This is why I have not tried to use it. I remember a time that Spencer was away and we got a pile of snow and I was going to use the snow blower, and he told me not to bother because I would have trouble with the belt and then I would have to drag it back into the garage anyway. So here I am with a snow blower in my garage and it’s completely useless to me. I wish I had let him buy that new one he saw at Wal-Mart at the end of the season. I told him he had a snow blower and we didn’t need a new one. Well, I think I should have listened. If only I would have listened. Oh well, it is good exercise after all. I can’t wait to wake up in the morning and shovel more snow.



Today March 4 is Spencer and my anniversary. We should be celebrating our 6th anniversary today, but I celebrate it without my Spencer. Last year Spencer and I celebrated our anniversary at the Heartland Inn Bed and Breakfast. My brother watched our children as Spencer and I took off for the night. We went out to dinner first, and then we headed to the bed and breakfast by Thorsby. We stayed in the Heartland Room. This Victorian room had a romantic setting perfect for our anniversary. It had a king size bed, Jacuzzi tub and fireplace. Spencer had always wanted a king size bed. It was way too big for my liking. It seemed like Spencer was so far away from me. Anyway, we had a wonderful quiet, relaxing night alone. If I remember correctly we decided to watch a movie at 8pm, and Spencer started to fall asleep, so I told him I think we should go to bed. We were both pretty tired and I think we were in bed by like 9:30pm. We had to get up fairly early the next morning because Spencer was called into work. So we had breakfast, and may I say it was the best French toast I have ever had, and we headed back to Edmonton. I am so grateful that Spencer and I took the time to do this for our anniversary. It is an anniversary I will never forget not just because it was the last one we shared together. I am in awe of the couples that have shared their 50th anniversaries, and I only got to share 5 years with Spencer. But it was the best 5 years I could ask for. I would never trade them for anything.



I remember on our wedding day walking down the isle and seeing Spencer standing at the front of the church waiting for me to come to his side. He wiped a tear from his eye. I was able to hold back my tears. I remember when it came time for us to light our unity candle. Those of you that were there remember I’m sure. It would not light. We stood there and stood there holding our little candles together trying to light our unity candle and it just didn’t light. I remember pastor Dave saying, “ It’s only a symbol folks.” And everyone laughed. When it came time for us to kiss, Spencer grabbed my face the way he would and we shared a nice long kiss. I think people were wondering when we were going to stop. I will never forget that kiss. I miss kissing him. He was a really good kisser. Spencer had the gentlest lips. I’m sorry; I need to take a little break right now. My tears are just rolling down my face. I’m back for a moment. My plans for today are to hang out with my sister and Charlee and my kids. Go watch Kalie play her last soccer game this season with the U12 girls, go swimming, then to church. Kalie is meeting with Pastor Dan to talk about her getting baptized after the service. Then we will be heading into the city to stay with Jay and Jeannine and family. At some point I will be taking time out and remembering Spencer by watching our wedding video. I expect to ball my eyes out but it is something I have to do. Well, I should go for now. It is late and I’m feeling rather drained at the moment. I think the emotions are catching up on me. I will write again soon. Take care all and God Bless.



Love Nicole

Well another month has come and gone. It's been 9 months now since my honey died. Hard to believe. Some days it still doesn't seem real, or that I'm going to wake up from this awful dream I've been having. But lets face the truth, Spencer has died, and I have to move on with my life. The kids and I are doing as well as can be expected. Morgan had a good cry Saturday afternoon when we were skating. I had to get right down to her level on the ice and hold her. She said she misses Daddy so much, and she just cried. I didn't know what to do, but to just hold her. My poor little dolly. All she wants is her Daddy back. If only for a moment. It's so hard to look into their eyes and see Spencer. Or when my little man crawls into bed with me in the middle of the night and tells me he's scared and wants Daddy. What do you say? I just hold him and tell him Mommy misses Daddy too, and that Daddy is okay. Kalie is constantly telling me that she wishes Daddy was here to see this, or to do this with us. Or she will say “remember last time we did this with Daddy, or we went here with Daddy. Too bad he's not here to do this with us again. Daddy is missing out on so much”.



The kids pray in their room every night and ask Jesus to protect them while they sleep, and pray for good dreams, and they thank Jesus for taking care of Daddy. There is not a day that goes by that they do not thank Jesus for looking after their Daddy in Heaven. It gives me great comfort in knowing that he is very present in their lives. They will never forget their Daddy. They talk about him all the time. They look at pictures of him every day. They want to listen to his voice mail that I have saved on my phone and listen to every night. They still sleep with their Daddy bears and say goodnight Daddy. They will hold onto those memories for a lifetime.



It was January last year that Morgan had her surgery to get her tonsils and adenoids removed. I remember Spencer taking his little girl down the hall after her surgery, still hooked up to monitors and an IV to the playroom. We got there and all she wanted to do was sit on Daddy's lap. So he just held her and kissed her cheeks like he always did



We also bought our truck a year ago. I remember Spencer and I going to the Westmont indoor Chevrolet dealership. We said we were just going to look. Spencer promised that we wouldn't buy anything. We were a real spur of the moment couple. Well, we saw the truck, Spencer took it for a test drive, then I drove it, fell in love with it and next thing you know it, it’s ours. How did that happen? We just looked at each other and laughed. We knew we wanted it, but it would have been another of our spur of the moment purchases. Oh well. I love my truck and would never trade it in for anything.



It was also a year ago that Spencer started working for Boychuk transport. He was so excited to go work for them. It was definitely his thing. I guess he took after his Dad in driving a semi. I just wish I had got to go on a road trip with him. I would have loved that. I have never road in a semi. Spencer took great pride in his truck. He always kept it clean, fridge stocked and ready to work whenever they called him. I'm glad he got to work for Boychuk. They are an incredible company and have been very supportive to the kids and I. I could not thank them enough for what they have done for us, considering Spencer was only with them for 3 months. He sure left an impression with them. He was a hard worker, and such a fun guy to be around. Who wouldn't like him?



I had a rough night last night. I pretty much cried myself to sleep. I haven’t had a real good cry like that for a while. I guess it was time. I thought I was going to wake my kids up I was crying out so loud. I just really miss him. I was just reading in bed one minute and then started looking at pictures which I do all the time. And then something just hit me. I just miss his companionship. It is so lonely at times. Yes I have my kids, and they keep me busy, but I don’t have Spencer. I no longer have him to crawl into bed with at night or to cuddle with at night. I miss his snore. Although everyone else said he was so loud, it was almost soothing to me. I had no problem falling asleep with his snore. He would literally hit the pillow and fall asleep. I would be talking and he would be sleeping. I would nudge him and ask if he heard me, and he would just mumble something. So I would just tickle his back and that seemed to relax me enough that I would fall asleep. He still owes me big time for all the tickles I gave him. I miss his kiss every morning before he left for work. 90% of the time I was still sleeping, his alarm would go off, he would hit snooze, his alarm would go off, he would hit snooze again, he eventually got up. But he would come to my side of the bed before leaving and give me a kiss and tell me he loves me. I should go for now. I will have lots of time to write more memories. Take care everyone. Write when you get a chance. I love to hear stories that you have. Some make me laugh, some make me cry. But I enjoy every one of them. God Bless you!



Love Nicole

Nicole,

I think of you often and these last few weeks, you and the kids have been on my mind constantly.

I know getting through the Christmas season must have been hard for you and reading all these messages, I wanted to be there for you. You are an amazing person, and a great mother, and I know that through you, Kalie, Taylor and Morgan will remember what a great daddy Spencer was. I know what it is like to raise your children on your own, I've been doing it for 13 years; and you know what - I'm a stronger person for it and my children have turned out o.k. You will do the same - you have your faith and your family with you. I wish I were closer to lend a hand, an ear. You are forever in my thoughts and prayers.

Love you always and forever;

Auntie Brenda, Tyler & Shayla

Hi Nicole

The pictures are wonderful. I look at Morgan and see Spencer. What beautiful kids. I read your email and the first thing that popped into my head was New years 99'.What a crazy night that was.Between Rob and Spencer I didn't know which one was going to go down first. They were like two little boys having their own stupid fun, like they always did. I always got a laugh out of watching those two get together. They just fed off each other. Rob would do something crazy, then Spencer would do something crazier. I loved it.



I will never forget how amazed I was listening to you talk when we were golfing in Waskasiu. I kept thinking to myself "wow" these two people are so meant for each other. You were so in love. But then again how could you not love the Guy!!!! And you were just a perfect match for him. You have a lot of the same qualities Spencer had. Two very awesome individuals.



Rob and I think of you often, and only hope that you are doing ok. And you are so right when you say Spencer is your angel watching over you. Whenever I think about him, I get a warm feeling inside. I think he knows that we all love and miss him dearly.



Take care. Always thinking of you...

Karen

Hello Nicole,Kalie,Taylor & Morgan,

Auntie just wanted to wish you all a Happy New Year. Uncle & I were driving home from our friends house tonight (4am) and an eagle flew across the ditch and was flying beside me. It was a sign that your daddy was with us tonight, celebrating the coming of the new year, and a new beginning for you. Spencer, you are missed so very much, and I know that you would be very proud of your family. Your wife is doing an awesome job as a single mom. Your kids are growing up so much. Kalie is becoming a beautiful young girl, Taylor is such a little man wanting to help out and show mommy how "daddy did it like this mommy!" and Morgan is improving so much on her talking. I think she is just so sweet, anytime she see's Nicole cry she says "it's ok mommy" They are all just so precious and special. Nicole, I am so thankful for your faith, God has chosen this walk for you and He will be there every step of the way with you and the kids. Continue to trust in Him...

Love, Renee, George & Charlee

Hi Nicole,Kalie,Taylor and Morgan;

Christmas is over, and soon begins a new year. I was cleaning up around the house and came across some old pictures and found myself sitting there crying. I couldn't help but think of all of the fun times i shared with Spencer. He was just so darn loveable. He always made me feel so happy. Not a single day goes by without a thought of Spencer. We have alot of pictures up around the house, and he is in alot of them. I especially like the one I took of Spencer and you under our big tree when we still lived in the trailer. That was the weekend we were staying in the Cabin's in Waskasiu. What a fun time. So many memories. I have a way of looking at death that seems to put my mind at ease: and this is it.... I cherish the memores, and replay them in my mind alot. I also believe that one day we will be together again. Spencer was the kind of guy where you didn't have to talk everyday, but when you did it was like you never skipped a beat. I know that when it is my turn to go, Spencer will be waiting to sit down and chat it up.. as if we never skipped a beat. I miss Spencer alot, but i am also so very lucky to have been a part of his life.

Love,

Karen

Dear Nicole, Kalie, Taylor, and Morgan,

I am just sitting here reflecting on the email you sent, Nicole, and reading some of these entries and I am really missing Spencer right now. I still find it hard to believe he is gone. I was tiding up last night and I happen to find a couple of pictures of Spencer at the Great Canadian Christmas party last year and he looked so happy. I think it was the last pictures I took of him. I was wishing I could go back to that night and warn him but I know God is working his plan and nothing would have prevented Him from taking Spencer. He needs him more than we do, I guess.

Take care, Nicole, you are a srong and wonderful person. We spoke of Spencer alot on Christmas day and spoke to him at dinner.

We miss him, and will always remember the good times.

Jeannine, Jay, Sarah & Dylan Knapton

We are coming onto 8 months now since Spencer has been gone. We got through Christmas day yesterday. My Mom had to work, so Renee and I were in charge of Christmas dinner. It was our first turkey. Spencer would be so proud of me for making a turkey. We lit a candle at the table in his memory. My Dad was supposed to get out the Drambuie as it was tradition at my parents that after a meal like that, Dad and the boys would have a Drambuie. Spencer didn’t like Drambuie at all, but he always would have one with my Dad, even though he didn’t like it. He would get this funny look on his face when he drank it. My sister gave me and the kids an ornament with 4 angels on it for all of us left behind, and the card read from Spencer. My Mom also gave me a card with a beautiful ornament from Spencer that read “Gone, yet not forgotten, although we are apart, our memories live within me, forever in my heart. “ I definitely shed a few tears in his memory Christmas day. It was hard for me to watch my kids in all their excitement opening their presents and not having their Daddy to enjoy it with them. The first thing Taylor said when he noticed the cookies and milk gone was “Did he leave his foot prints behind? “ Last year Spencer put one of his shoes in the ashes from our fireplace and he put a couple shoe marks outside the fireplace. The kids woke up and they said “He was here, he was really here. “ I remember Spencer being the first one awake in our house. Last year he woke up before all the kids and he woke me up and said “It’s time to get up. I’m going to wake up the kids.” And that he did. He was the first to wake up for Christmas every year. I will never forget that about him. He was still so much a child when it was Christmas time. To see the joy in his face and watch him when he opened his presents. The most treasured gift I have from Spencer now is the family ring he gave to me the Christmas I was pregnant with Morgan.



We took the kids skating on the pond Christmas Eve day. We didn’t skate at all last year. So it was going to be interesting watching the kids this year. Taylor did not do so well. He spent most of his time on his bum on the ice, even with the skate buddy. Morgan had some bob skates on. She was motoring across the ice. She did really well. Kalie wanted to learn how to figure skate, but she got frustrated when she could do a jump I was teaching her. So today when it was time to go skating, Taylor did not want to go. He said he didn’t like skating. Well he got his skates on and did pretty good. I noticed that I put them on the wrong feet. So I though that was why he was doing better today. About 30 minutes into skating he was really motoring. I was so happy for him. I told him he was doing so well, and that Daddy would be so proud of him. He said that Daddy was helping him to skate. He was a completely different kid. Daddy was his Angel today. And at the table tonight Morgan said she misses Daddy. They really do miss their Daddy a lot. He’s missing out on all kinds of the things. But we know he can see us, and he is watching over all of us.



I want to say thank-you to all of our family and friends who have supported us through to the end of this year. I will be happy to see this year end. To have my husband die is the worst thing I could imagine happening, and it did. I can not say enough the appreciation I have for all those who have been there for me and the kids and have listened to our stories, and been a shoulder to cry on. We could not have done this without all of you and the Faith that we all have in our Savior, Jesus Christ. Without our Faith there is no hope, and without hope what do we have to live for. I know with my Faith that there is that hope that one day Spencer and I and the kids will see each other again, and spend eternity in Heaven. We will be a family one day and that is the hope I have. Our life here on Earth is but a vapor, a mist. Here one second and gone the next. Our time after we die is forever. There is no going back, no second chances; it is for Eternity – forever! And so my prayer for each of you today is that you will each one day have the Faith that I have when you learn to give everything up to God and to let Him do in your life what He wants, and to give that control up to Him. We have no say in what happens in our lives. No say as to when it is our time to die. I live each day trusting that God has great plans for me and my kids. I don’t know what those plans are, but I know He has looked after all of our needs so far, and I trust He will continue to do so in the days and years to come.



Although I miss Spencer with all of my heart and there is not a day that goes by that I do not think about him, I know he is okay and that he is being looked after, and that we will be taken care of as well. My heart still aches quite often as I live each day without my husband and not being able to see him and touch him, but we are doing okay. I just wanted you all to know that. I appreciate all of your thoughts and prayers. Please do continue to write in this book. We all love to hear the stories you have to share. The kids will truly treasure this book when they are older. So Thank-You all for your time!!! Take care and may God Bless you all!!



Love Nicole, Kalie, Taylor and Morgan

Dear Rhonda and Wess, we just wanted to say that our thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.I know that your Spencer is missed dearly, and Christmas is a hard time to face when you have had a loss of your son, but I just would like to say that God hears your cries and He cares. We share with you in the memories and ask for Gods peace and His Love in your hearts this Christmas.

Ron and Gerry and family

It's Christmas time and Spencer's favorite time of the year. I remember how excited he would get at this time of year as a little one and when he had children of his own, he was just as excited as they were, if not more. This is a very sad Christmas for us, just as it is with you, Nicole. I don't know if it will ever get easier, but remember that we are here to help. We all miss Spencer so very much. Have a merry Christmas at your parents home this year and we will see you later.

Love Mom & Dad B.

I wanted to share this song with you. It is "To Where You Are" by Josh Groban. It was sent to me from a friend whose husband also died only weeks after Spencer died. She said it makes her cry and smile all at the same time and she shared it with me, and I have found comfort in it as well, and wanted to share the words of it with you. I hope you get a chance to hear the song. It’s an amazing song. If you get a chance to go to the website of his and hear it… JoshGroban it will bring tears to your eyes as it did me.



I dream of Spencer often. It’s so wonderful to see him in my dreams and I just don’t want to wake up. I lay in bed some nights just remembering all the wonderful times we had together and can’t believe that I’m not going to make anymore of those memories with him. I am thankful however for all the ones I do have. I will cherish them forever and always. Spencer was the man I dreamed about as a little girl growing up, and marrying and having children with and growing old together. Well, I got the first 2 but didn’t get the last one. My life will never be the same again. I am not the same person I was before Spencer died. I will never be that same person. A part of me has been taken away, never to return.



It’s been 6 ½ months and the emptiness I feel in my heart is still there. I know that Spencer is taking care of the kids and me. There are times I feel his presence. Every so often I will spray my bed with his “Eternity” cologne, and it’s like he’s right there with me. Those are the nights that going to bed without him are the hardest. But having that smell gives me that little bit of comfort that I need. I miss my husband dearly, and just wish for a moment that I could hold him in my arms again and tell him I love him, and tell him how wonderful he was as a hunband, and tell him he was a great Daddy, and tell him I am proud of him and how lucky I was to have him in my life and that he picked me over all the woman out there. That’s what I get to do in my dreams. And I am thankful that God gives me that. Take care everyone, and God Bless you all.

Love Nicole and Kids

Dear Nicole,Kalie,Taylor and Morgan,

I have so many wonderful memories of

Spencer. I was lucky enough to be one of the first family members to

meet Spencer when Nicole and he came

to Saskatoon for New Years. I remember what a gentleman he was with Nicole and how polite he was

when he came to the door and you

introduced him to us. It was quite

a snow storm and Kalie stayed with

us. I could tell how comfortable the

two of you were with each other and

the next day you came and had a visit with us before you had to head

back to Edmonton. Uncle Owen said he

was so easy to carry on a conversation with and he always felt

like family with us. We were so very

fortunate to have your family come to stay with us and we had such a

wonderful opportunity to get to know

him......but in saying that it also

breaks my heart to know that he is no longer with us. We too, loved him

and the tears I shed are for you and

the kids as well as for us. I thank

God for letting us get to know him and love him the way we did. I especially loved when you would visit and we could see him with the

kids. He was an amazing Dad and his

love for his kids showed in all that

he would do. I saw many times when

he would kiss you good-bye and go out with some of his friends from

Saskatoon and you would stay and visit with us. His love for you was

written all over his face. The two

of you would compliment each other

so well. I love you and admire you.

You truly are an amazing woman and

your "Spencer" is watching over you

and he too, is so proud of you. We

think of you and the kids all the

time and the pain we feel is the

pain that we know you are going

through...I pray that God is with all of us, as we remember our memories of Spencer.....All our love,

Auntie Denice,Uncle Owen,Danielle,

Stacey and Tanner.

When I asked Taylor if there was a memory he would like to share with everyone about his Daddy, he said this....



I remember the time I got to ride in my Daddy's Boychuk truck. It was 2 weeks before Daddy died. We had the quad and bikes all loaded on the trailer and were heading out to Lobstick. But we had to time it just right because Daddy was on his way to Drayton Valley with a load, so we were going to meet him on Hiway 16. So we took the Villeneuve Hiway and then turned off onto Hiway 16 and pulled over onto the side of the Hiway. We sat there for probably 10 minutes waiting for what? Mommy didn't tell me that I was going for a ride in Daddy's truck. She just said there was something wrong with our truck and so we had to pull over and let the engine cool. Then all of a sudden we saw a Boychuk truck pass us. I got so excited! We always do when we see a Boychuk truck hoping to see Daddy. The truck stopped and Daddy got out. Mommy told me that I was going for a ride with Daddy in his truck. So Daddy came to my side of the truck and pulled me out the window and carried me to his big truck. Was I ever excited. I sat in the passenger seat for a while and I went to the bunk to check it out. It was pretty cozy. I wasn't quite sure what I should do. I got to ride all the way to the Evansburg turn off. Then I had to say good-bye to Daddy and he was on his way to Drayton Valley. I will never forget this day with my Daddy.



My Daddy was the best Daddy ever. I love him and miss him every day. I sleep with my Daddy Bear every night and I take him with me everywhere I go.



I also am thankful for all the times my Daddy took me to the Monster Jam Truck shows at the Rexall Place. He bought me t-shirts and trucks too. It was a lot of fun with my Daddy. We had really good seats this past year, and Daddy took a whole roll of pictures.



I love my Daddy and will never forget him.



Love Taylor Spencer

Dear Nicole, Kalie, Taylor and Morgan. Auntie has a story to tell you about your daddy. We were at at wedding, Brad and Sasha's , May 21,2004 and of course nanny is taking pictures of everyone. First she took a picture of your mommy and daddy, then she took a picture of auntie and uncle, then your auntie put on your mommy's glasses and we all thought it would be funny to swap "boys". So mommy got her picture taken with uncle and auntie got her picture taken with your daddy. I will never forgot that, your daddy put his arm around me and held me close and had a huge grin on his face and your mommy said "Spencer, you never hold me that tight when we get our picture taken" and your daddy chuckled, and said "oh Honey..." Everyone had a good laugh. There is not a day that goes by that I don't think of you Spence. My heart aches for you Nicole, I feel your pain. It sometimes feels like I am the one who has lost her love. We will always be here for you Nicole, Kalie, Taylor and Morgan. Anything you need just ask. We love you all so very much.

It's been six long months since we lost Spencer. Not a day goes by that we don't think about him. The hurt is very deep and does not subside. Spencer came to me in a dream a couple of months ago and we spoke about his accident. The dream was cut short for some reason and I long to dream about him again. There is no pain greater than loosing a child no matter how old they are and I would love to keep in touch with Spencer through my dreams. I know this sounds silly to some people, but I do believe there is some type of life after death. Love you Spencer.

Mom & Dad

Spencer:

When you left us, the leaves were fresh from the bud.

They have fallen, never to return-Like you...

My Son, I love and miss you dearly.

You will be in my heart forever.

Dad...

I just wanted to share this with you all. On Tuesday October 19, 1999 just over a year after I met Spencer, we attended a live drama production called Heaven's Gates - Hell's Flames. In this drama there was Heaven and there was Hell. Well, it was this Tuesday night that Spencer related his life to that of one of the constuction workers in the drama. He could see himself sitting up there. And Spencer made the choice this night to accept Jesus into his heart and have him be his Lord and Savior. So I thank God for this production that Spencer had seen. Take care and may God Bless You!!

Love Nicole, Kalie, Taylor and Morgan

THANKS TO GOD



I pray that this will bless you as it blessed me.



Hello God,

I called tonight

To talk a little while

I need a friend who'll listen

To my anxiety and trial.

You see, I can't quite make it

Through a day just on my own...

I need your love to guide me,

So I'll never feel alone.

I want to ask you please to keep

My family safe and sound.

Come and fill their lives with confidence

For whatever fate they're bound.

Give me faith, dear God, to face

Each hour throughout the day,

And not to worry over things

I can't change in any way.

I thank you God for being home

And listening to my call,

For giving me such good advice

When I stumble and fall.

Your number, God, is the only one

That answers every time.

I never get a busy signal,

Never had to pay a dime.

So thank you, God, for listening

To my troubles and my sorrow.

Good night, God, I love You too,

And I'll call again tomorrow!



God Bless You!!

Hello Nicole, and kids, We just wanted to say that we are so pleased that you will spend this special weekend with us. I know with it being Thanksgiving that it will be hard for the family. I wanted to say that there are lots of memories, and so much to be thankful for even though you may find it hard to say anything there is no need for words. We are all hurting and feel your pain and your loss. None of us knows how much you hurt, or how you face each new day. I do know that you are not alone, and that God is with you , and He will be your comfort thru all of this. He will carry you, and hold you and He will never leave you. Beleive in your Heart and walk by Faith, and know that He cares about you and your family and so do we.

With all our Love and Prayers

Mom and Dad and your family

Spencer: Your father & I miss you so very much. We read all the entries in this guest book and cry after every one. We remember the time you told us you were going out with a "wrestler" and we all thought you had this huge muscular girlfiend. When you finally introduced us to Nicole, we realized that Resler was her last name. We still don't believe you should have been taken from us so soon and we have yet to comprehend this and every day we look at your picture and ask why. We miss you so very much Spencer and just wish that maybe we could have taken your place so you could see your children grow up like we watched you and your brother & sister. We love you Spencer. Mom & Dad

On this day 7 years ago I met Spencer in the Shuswap. As I mentioned in my entry on September 14, I spotted Spencer and his buddy Rob dancing on the top of their houseboat to the Spice Girls. I will never forget this day and the rest of the days we spent with them on the houseboat. We just had a blast. So many great memories. I remember sitting around the table and we were playing some drinking games and singing, and the table broke. I think someone sat on the end of it, and it collapsed. We didn’t know how we were going to fix it. You see this table was a huge mahogany table. We all thought right away, “They are not going to give you your damage deposit back.” But it got fixed and they got their damage deposit back. I also remember Spencer singing to Twister Sister the song "We're not gonna take it". I am so thankful I had my video camera on this trip and I can go back and watch them. I will probably forget many things, but having it all on video brings the memories all back again.



I look back now on this time we had together and believe it was all a part of God’s plan for our lives. You see, Spencer had been going to the Shuswap for quite a few years and they had always gone in the summer time during peak season. But this particular year, and I don’t even remember the reasons why, they decided to go at the end of September. Well I had been going at the end of September every time I went because my friend had shares and this was her time slot period. So I would have never met Spencer if they had gone during the summer as they had all the previous years. So I thank God for delaying their holiday this year.



I still remember this trip like it was just yesterday. I wish it were. Then I would get to be with Spencer again. Not only is today the day I met Spencer, it’s also a Friday which has been a very hard day for me since Spencer died on a Friday. I seem to relive the memories of that day and recall them in my head every Friday. It’s at this time right now, just after 10pm that I got the phone call from the RCMP that they had pronounced Spencer dead. At that moment in time a part of me died with Spencer. It truly is a very hard feeling to deal with; the pain in my chest at times is quite unbearable. At times I feel like I’m having a heart attack. Not that I know what that feels like, but I know the pain I feel now and I hope and pray that in time it doesn’t hurt so much.



I still cannot believe that it has been 5 months since Spencer died, 22 weeks today. I honestly do not know where the time has gone. God has been so good to me and has looked after me. Since I have made it through 5 months, I should be able to get through 5 more months. I give God all the credit for how well I’m dealing with the loss of my husband. Don’t get me wrong, it is not easy and I definitely grieve, but I just can’t imagine having to go through this without the Faith I have and the walk I’m on. So I thank God for being with me through the good times and the bad times. I know I can go to Him anytime I need to. He is there for me always. He will never leave me, nor forsake me. And I also know that He will not give me more than I can handle.



Remembering Spencer today and always. He will be in my heart forever.



Love Nicole

Today is a day we will remember. 3 years ago today we moved out to Fort Saskatchewan. We had a lot of help, I didn't do a whole lot as Morgan was only a month old, and I wasn't suppose to be doing too much yet. I remember how hard everyone worked at getting everything moved for us. We had so much help and for that I am thankful. I remember the night before moving day. Spencer and I were the only ones left at our house in Edmonton and we had to get the chunk of rug out of our basement and get it to the house in Fort Saskatchewan so that the layers could get it into the house before we moved in. It was quite heavy and it took us a while to get it up the stairs, but I will never forget how we finally got it up. Spencer thought I was pretty tough. I thought he should have got help from one of his buddies, but he was quite sure that I could do it. Well, he was right. We did it together.



I thank God for this day 3 years ago as He moved us out here. Finding a church family that we have fit into so well, and all the people who we get along so well with, was all part of the plan. Little did I know that Spencer was going to be taken from us. I see now that this was all part of God's plan for us. He made sure that He moved us to a place that was going to give the kids and me the love and support we were going to need in the years to come.



Hope to hear some of your memories of Spencer too.



We miss Spencer so much, but with the strength that God has given us, we are remembering him and the love he had for us, every day. We can only live one day at a time, as life is too short and we just don't know if we will be here tomorrow. I look back at Spencer's life and how he truly lived one day at a time as if it were his last. He really did live like that. We just don't know when our time is, and therefore we must live our lives to the fullest and don't take life for granted, ever! In His name I ask Blessings to you all.



Love Nicole and kids

Dear Nicole, Kalie,Taylor and Morgan,



We think about you often. You are in our thoughts and prayers more than you will know. We didn't get to know Spencer well but remember some unforgetable characteristics - some very special qualities God gave Spencer. It was very evident he was one of the best "dads" and "husband" anyone could ever want. We remember Renee and George's wedding. Spencer had the patience of Job - following little Morgan and Taylor around all day long while they were having fun in their rubber boots. He just quietly watched them - we admired him for his gentle demeanor - it was so obvious he loved all of you so much. It is hard to image life on earth without him - how much you all have to look forward to. One special day you will be reunited and I can't think of how many angels and orchestras will be celebrating your reunion with you. Remember the promise that God will never put you through more than you have the ability to endure- hard as that seems to accept. We don't know why God called Spencer home so early but there was a purpose - one day we'll all understand. For now, keep your head high and cherish every memory - those special 5 years together. Never forget the love of your family and friends who want to help you get through the future days, months, years etc. We love you Nicole, Kalie, Taylor and Morgan. God keep you in his loving arms.

Love and Prayers,

Uncle Greg, Auntie Ev, Ashley & Kelsey

Uncle Barry and I only met Spencer at your wedding and saw the love the two of you had for each other. We have been so fortunate that you Nicole have kept us up to date on all of your familie's activities ever since your wedding and to this date. We treasure those letters and feel so very special to receive them from you. It keeps us up to date with all of your activities and all the busy ones of the children. We admire your courage and the wisdom you show in raising your children. Could it be that you have Heavenly Help and Many Angels watching out as well? Keep up the "Great" work and we will keep up the Prayers. You are an awesome person and Spencer would be and is so very Proud of "His Nicole!"



All Our Love,

Aunt Benita & Uncle Barry

To Sweet Nicole,Kalie,Taylor & Morgan.

I still remember like it was yesterday when I heard about Spencer. My heart broke for you. When you described the emptiness in your heart for your beloved Spencer it hit me like a ton of bricks. My sweet niece, I know exactly what that feeling is like. When I lost my 19 year old son just 28 months ago, my whole world came crashing down. I just wanted to die, so I didn't have to go through this awful time in my life without my first born son. Even though it is hard to imagine your life without Spencer, through the grace of God, you will find the strength to go on. You are blessed with three beautiful children and their Love, Laughter & daddy's memories will get you through those impossible days. As hard as it is to even think of the future without him. I know that your faith,supportive family and friends will help carry you through these hard times. Even though we never got to know Spencer that well, I know that he was your one true love, and will always be.

To the World he was just one. But to us, He was the World.

Our thought and prayers are with you and the kids always.

Hugs & Kisses

.

Hi Nicole:

I think this is a wonderful thing that you are doing for yourself and the kids. It will be something to look back on forever. I remember Spencer are being a good friend and caring person. I was proud that he and Rob were friends. I have a funny note for you and that is the cowboy hat that Spencer wore at Rob and Karen's wedding. At that time western wear was very in and Rob wanted all the guys to wear cowboy hats. Well, "western" wasn't exactly Spencer's thing, but they found him a hat and he wore it. I'm not sure where they found the hat because it was very worn. In fact it had very little shape to it all. My Mom, who has passed on, got the biggest kick out of Spencer because of that hat. She thought that Spencer was they best guy at the wedding. I think you will agree. When I look at the wedding pictures I get a tear in my eye but also a smile. Spencer was a wonderful person and will be sorely missed. He is looking out for you and the kids from Heaven. My prayers are with all of you. Take care. Love. Lizz

If a lives value

Were Measured

In deeds done

And memories treasured.



What true fortune

He carried with him

Beyond our reach

And never to dim.



If the tears shed

When we pass

Were weighted

His numbered like the grass.



If these tears

A wealth did make

A world of riches

Did he take.

Hello Nicole, I was just thinking of you and wanted to say how much that we Love you and care about you..As a mother it breaks my heart to see you face this life without your Spencer a husband and a father to your beutiful kids..God has given you such a strong faith, and strength for each day..none of can imagine what you are going through, but I know that you are not alone, and that God is always with you ,to lead you and direct you each day..

Yesterday as I made my beet relish, I had to smile and think of Spencer, and how much he loved that relish, he would take a little bit , and a little bit more, and soon there was not much left in the jar!! I had tears in my eyes, as I thought of him, and wished that he could come and have supper with us just one more time..but as we hold onto all the memories, We thank God that He is taking care of Spencer,and that one day we will be together once again...Im not sure if we will be eating relish!!

God Bless you Nicole, and keep you and the kids in His Tender Loving Arms..

Love and Prayers Mom

Hi again Nicole,

No matter how many times i read over whats here I still can't help but get upset and wonder why. Some days I will be driving home and it just hits me like a tank, I start to cry and remind myself that he's gone. Instantly so many memories flash through my head, of you, the kids, spencer and the good times we've had. I want to tell you Nicole that there are still more good times to come, and great memories to share for an eternity. I miss Spencer so much and always will but I will always love you guys and do anything for you. When you see and talk to him in your dreams tell him hi and i love him like a brother, and to watch over us till we can meet again!! One day at a time Nicole one day at a time. Thinking of you always



Love Keeper

Nicole and family,



I know we have never met yet, but from the bits I have learned about about you and the kids, you are so worth being in every ones prayers to guide and comfort you. I know how hard the road you are on is. Thank God for beautiful yesterdays to pave the way for beautiful tomorrows. And thanks be to God for holding us close on the days just aren't right.

Take care.

Nicole what a great idea. I want you to know how very proud I am of you. You have been through so much and have grown through it all into such a wonderful person. There are no words to express how sorry I feel for you and your family in this tragedy. Spencer was an amazing person who will not be forgotten. He was always there for everyone with a smile. He loved life and laughter. His life was an inspiration to me and many others. I remember the first time I met him I could see how much he loved you and Kalie. You grew together and built a wonderful family. I don't understand why he was taken so soon but please know that he is missed by many and therefore will live on in all of our hearts.

I love you, Nicole, Kalie, Morgan and Taylor. Take care!

Nicole, Kalie, Taylor and Morgan. God grant you the strength to live your life without your partner and father. Know, though, that you have the support and love of many family and friends as you continue the journey. We love you.

Hi Nicole and Family. I am so sorry for the loss of your dear Spencer. If there is anything I can do to support you or your family please call.

Our thoughts and prayers have been with you and the kids since we heard of Spencer's passing. God truly does work in ways that we may not understand nor agree with, but trust that all roads will take you to the right place. Make the best of today, and tomarrow will take care of itself.



All our love.



Jason, Tracy, Cody, and Logan.

I have decided to sponsor this guest book for Spencer, so that many of his family and friends will come back here whenever you feel you need to, to just express your thoughts and/or memories you have of Spencer. This is going to be my way to share all the stories everyone has of Spencer with my kids. When they grow up, they will have all their memories of their Daddy, as well as the memories you all share with us in this guest book. So please feel free to come as often as you like.



I would like to share with everyone how Spencer and I first met. For those of you who do not know, Spencer and I met in the Shuswap on a houseboat trip September 1998. HE was on one boat, and I was on another. Although it wasn’t love at first sight, I did have an attraction for him, just not a physical one at the time. I fell in love with his spirit and fun loving ways right away. I knew he was a guy that loved to have a good time, and wasn’t afraid to show it. I remember seeing Spencer and Rob up on the top of their houseboat singing and acting to the song of the Spice Girls.” Stop”. I couldn’t believe my eyes. Seeing 2 grown men the size that they were (they weren’t the smallest guys on the boat) doing this was hilarious. We had a lot of fun with them. When it was time to go home, we exchanged phone numbers because Spencer was the only one from Edmonton, and the rest of them on the boat lived in Saskatoon.



Well, we got together a couple of times. I would talk on the phone quite a bit with Rob, and he kept telling me I should go out with Spencer, and I always told him “ He’s not my type.” So I got up the nerve and actually invited him to go to my Christmas party and he never returned my phone call. Ament kept telling him to “call her back”. Eventually he did call back, and we made arrangements to go to Saskatoon together for New Years. Keep in mind, I hardly knew this guy, we had only seen each other a couple of times other than on the houseboat. I don’t know what my parents thought about the whole thing, me going to Saskatoon with a guy I barely knew, and I was taking Kalie with me. I remember the drive to Saskatoon that night, it was snowing really hard that you could barely see the road. I was thankful he was driving and not me. I remember sitting in the passenger seat, looking back at Kalie (we had borrowed Don & Aments van because Spencer took his Skidoo with him) and thinking to myself “ Wow, this feels so much like a family”! New Years was awesome! We stayed at Rob & Karen’s and I ended up in one of their spare bedrooms with Spencer and another guy. Let me clarify for you so you don’t get the wrong idea, we all had our clothes on, and were on top of the covers. This other guy was trying to put the moves on me, and I didn’t want anything to do with him, so Spencer ended up protecting me, and he kicked him out of the bed. I had never had anyone stand up for me the way he had.



When we got back to Edmonton, my Mom said that all I could talk about was “ Spencer, Spencer, Spencer!” And yeah, I think she was right. Spencer took me snow mobiling with some of his friends out by Gibbons and area. It was the first time I had gone with him. This is where Spencer and I shared our first kiss. In the middle of some farmer’s field, just after they had chased some poor coyote. Okay so it wasn’t the most romantic first kiss, but there was plenty of time for that. On our way back to where the vehicles were parked, Spencer decided to see if we could fly. We hit what may have been a road a farmer would use to check his fields. Spencer didn’t see it, and we hit it pretty hard. We flew I don’t know how many yards, and by the time the machine landed we had bounced off it, and Spencer had landed on top of me. Spencer ended up not being able to double me the rest of the way back as he had damaged his sled, so Kevin had the honors of trying to keep me awake. You see, I had been knocked out briefly, and then was going in and out of consciousness as I was riding on the back with Kevin. I ended up bruising my ribs, and having a concussion. Spencer dropped me off at home. He didn’t want to leave me because of the condition I was in, but I assured him I was okay. By noon the next day the doorbell rang, and it was a flower guy delivering me a dozen roses. This was the first time anyone had ever given me roses. (Except from my Dad when Kalie was born). They were absolutely beautiful.



Spencer then took me out on our first “official” date. He was late picking me up. Well just his luck, as he was driving down the Whitemud Freeway (he lived on the Westside, and I lived on the Southside) it had been snowing, and he hit black ice, and drove his Sunfire into the barricade wall. He had to call a tow truck to get him out. He finally made it to my house. We went to Joey Tomatoes. He ate the Penang Pong Currie Bowl I believe. And I had the cashew chicken stir-fry. It was after this first “official” date that I knew he was the man for me, and the man I wanted to marry. I continued to get flowers either delivered to my work or house from Spencer on a monthly basis. Most of the cards would say, “ Just because “. We had 6 months of courting before we got engaged.



On June 13th, it was a Sunday, a bunch of Spencer’s friends were getting together at his place to have a party for Ben & Cindy for their wedding. Spencer had gone away for the weekend Skidooing with his friends and so he was going to meet me there once he got home. I helped with decorating the yard and everything, and had a few ceasars. Spencer got there. Went down into his basement suit, closed the door behind him. He didn’t really even say hi to me. I was expecting a kiss and all. He was down there for a while, before he finally came up and I got to see him. Turns out he was downstairs asking my parents permission to marry me. And here I was at the top of the stairs banging on the door because I wanted to see him, and he’s trying to talk to my parents without me knowing. Well, I had no idea. Everyone played the usual marriage game, where you had to say what your partner would say about a certain question. Well, who should win the “ who knows your partner best” game, Spencer and I of course. So we were quite excited about that.



We went out for dinner Monday night. June 14 to Red Lobster. They had the Monday Madness I think they call it. The “all you can eat snow crab legs”. So we were enjoying a nice dinner. Spencer absolutely loved the snow crab legs. Except this night. He didn’t seem to be eating as much as he normally would. I kept wandering why. He would just tell me he was full. I was like totally stuffing my face, thinking nothing of it. Then Spencer mentioned going for a walk down at the ravine on 149street and Stony Plain Road. Again I thought nothing of this, as we had gone on walks before and I had just finished pigging out on crab, that I thought a walk would be a great thing. So we were walking hand in hand, talking, walking, talking, you know. Nothing out of the usual. At least I didn’t think so. But as we were walking Spencer’s heart started to pound really fast. It got faster and faster. I actually remember stopping and checking his heart rate. It was going like 140 beats/minute. I thought he was having a heart attack. He assured me that everything was okay. I saw a park bench not too far away, and told him we should go sit down. So we sat for a bit, he was telling me how much he loved me and how he has changed since meeting me, and that his life just wouldn’t be the same if I wasn’t in it, and then he got down on his knee, said some more mushy, love stuff which I can’t quote, (though I do have it written down in my diary) and asked me if I would marry him. Of course I said yes. I think I was in shock because I just kept laughing about how his heart was beating so fast. I couldn’t wait to share my news with the whole world.



I had fallen totally in love with the most amazing, loving, gentle, tender man (the list could go on and on) I had ever met. And he asked me of all people to marry him. I couldn’t have asked for anything else. He was my sole mate, my lover, and my best friend. I will never stop loving him. And I will never forget these memories I have shared with everyone here today. I must go for now. I will share more memories with you in due time. But right now I’m having a hard enough time finishing this one off as my heart is really starting to hurt again. The pain is something I can’t even describe to you. When Spencer died, I lost a part of my heart that went with him. It will never be replaced, as he will never be replaced in my heart. I will love you always Spencer. Your kids and I miss you dearly. There is not a night that goes by that I don’t shed tears because of your absence.



With love always, your wife forever, Nicole.

Nicole & Family We are deeply sorry to hear of the loss of your loved one our prayers and hearts are with you.

Nicole and family sorry to hear of the loss of your husband/father our prayers are with you.

Dear Wes and Rhonda, we are so sorry for the loss of your son Spencer..I just can't imagine what you must be feeling as the days go by..but I do pray that God would give you His Peace and Comfort you as you face each new day..Spencer was always there for you when you called, I know that He will be dearly missed by all your family..Our thoughts and prayers are with all of you.

Love Ron and Gerry

To my sweet daughter Nicole, Kalie, Taylor and little Morgan..May God be there for you as you face each new day, and may He give you His Peace, His Love, and His Comfort, as you carry on in His strength..We will all miss Spencer, and as I read all the coments, your husband left behind alot of good memories and love for his family and friends..God Bless and keep you in His Tender Loveing Arms..I will always love you and pray for you and the kids.Love Mom