Christopher Patrick Elmore

...one is always burning for you Lovey!

Chris, my luv,

It's morning, barely by some standards,but I've been up for hours. I have so much on my mind and heart...so many decisions to make.Mike is due home on furlough in a week or so, and my arms and heart ache to hold him close...I miss him. I miss you, and find especially at this time with your angelversary approaching my acceptance of your leaving is waning and waxing very thin.
Sigh....I miss you son...I miss who you were, who you were becoming...who you would have been today.
My instinct as a mother, and as who I am I suppose, is to stomp and storm...rebel and fight against what has happened...try and figure out some way to ge you back! LOL, how wild is that? oh, if only there were some way...Chris, I would lay down my life this very moment, is it meant giving you another chance. I hope you know that, wherever you are. I know we all are missing you fiercely...struggling against the binds of Time. There will never be a moment when you stray from my thots, my heart, my soul.
I'll be back again soon...more to tell.
Until then, I'll think of ya "yonder on the greenfields, with the rainbow overhead..."

Loving you dearly,
Mom

Hi sweetheart.

Another 25th....funny, how that day will never have just a "normal" meaning.
I have a surprise for you....I hope you like it. It's only part of the whole....I'll make sure it gets finished! I miss you so, it's almost Halloween, and the boys all have their costumes, you loved this time of year! loved dressing up! Good memories, smile to my face...missing you so...loving you.

Mom

Hello babe,

...and for always, forever
A thousand tomorrows may cross the sky
And for always, forever
We will go on
Beyond "Goodbye".

Always, forever,
my love you hold.

I love and miss you, Chris.
Mom

Christo, my love,
I keep a candle burning steadily, for you...here is another.
"sigh"...the fifth "Mothers Day" since you "flew"...the ache and pain of missing you , tempered by TIME, still there. Intense.
I just don't "do" holidays the same. I was reminded of the 17 beautiful years you shared with me...you completed "me" in my role as mother. Altho I know it is irrational, I wonder if I am less of a mom because you aren't here beside us, on this "plane". I know that no matter where each and all of you children are, my heart is there with you.
Another busy year, Life rolls steadily forward despite my reluctance to move with it...a piece of me is missing...and each step I take is done with you still in my heart, thoughts, and soul.
Mikes birthday is this week...he is 25 this year! He is also headed into war, to Afganistan the first week of June, just before YOUR birthday! I am dreading those days, because I will be truly lost without my boys. Chris, watch over and protect him for me...keep him safe, bring him home safe and sound...help him not be torn by the ravages of this ugly war.
Baby, you remain always by my side, in my heart...I think of you each morning as I rise, say a little prayer, and then...as I lay my head to the pillow at night, say another.
I am filled with the memories of you. And that must suffice, for now. I throw my trust in the Lord, and look to the day we are reunited. I bask in the love I have from and for your siblings, your nephews, your dad, and give thanks for each and every day. Help me to keep my chin up and continue to honor your Life, by living mine.
I am a better person, since knowing and loving you...thank you my dear and gentle one. Blessed be...stay close, send me some signs, and know that in my mind, you are flying free, unencumbered and at peace. In my heart, finally, as well. Always,

Loving you, missing you,
Mom

Chris, Lovey,
I'll see you soon baby.....love you,
Mommy

Chris, my love, my son, my heart....

Last nites entry seems so trite today...I had so much more on my heart and mind to share. I was struggling simply to get thru the day intact, without falling apart...being I am taking care of Layne, who's two. all day by myself, and then Mike and Annie getting off work, I didn't want to create a "scene". I can't believe it's been five years my dear....it seems sureal, as I can remember it all just as it was a moment ago.
Oh why, baby, why did you have to go? That question will remain foreve
r haunting in our hearts and mind.
I went thru the day before, minute by minute, remembering how you cleaned and scoured your room....
I remembered you saying, "ok, I'm thru here, I'm headed down to the trailer"....
"If only" I had known.....
and the next morning and the days that followed....once a blur, but for some reason, now so clear and "in my face"
Chris, you must know, that you are not forgotton, ever. You are always on my heart and mind...and on the minds of those who loved you and were close to you...I don't know what you were looking for, but I hope you have found it. I hope Chip is with you at your side, as always....I know he missed you and imagine him with you running thru the "greenfields".Take care my love,,,,be good.............

Loving you.
Mommy

Christopher, my Lovey,

It's been a while...it's not that I haven't thot of you every minute of every day...sometimes even all thru the sleepless nites, but somehow, just not made it here to "talk" with you.
And yet, here it is again, the anniversary, or angelversary. And a milestone of sorts, it's five years,and I can't believe it! It seems like you were just here....
Chip is with you now, I imagine the two of you with the wind in your faces climbing over the mountains...
I miss you sweet child, I ache for you. There is not a moment that goes by that my life is not somehow empty because you are not here with us....
I've spent the month with Mike and Annie and Layne, watching him while Annie returns to work....Layne is getting so big! Clarke is too, and talks about ya all the time. You are still a big part of our lives son....always will be! Good nite and God Bless.
Love, Mom

My son, my son, dear Christopher,

Well, here we are, it's the end of May again, how I don't know...time just keeps passing on by....
But that also means it's Float Time again...and I am looking forward to this years adventure and also to your presence with me, as I have felt each and every year. I am also anticipating what I will learn from this one too, to the subtle and clear lessons I am shown,as each year seems to serve as a time of growth and acceptance for me.
I miss you....I wish you were here to join us. I can't help but remember the year you did. Those words don't come off the page big enough for the feelings they possess.
Clarke was only a baby then, and you and Dad did the float and I stayed at the camp with Clarke....this year he's graduated Kindergarten and will be six in a month! He'll want his own paddle in the canoe! I am left with memories and imagination to fill in what this years float will be. Sarah will be here this year also, which will be great...maybe next year Mike and Annie and Layne can join too.
We have the cabin again this year...no more tents for Dad if he can help it...LOL
Chris, I've been moving along still in a daze without you here....it still seems unreal. I hold your memory, your smile so close...I so long to hear your laughter, and at times imagine that I do. I'll never forget Chris. I'll never forget.
Josh Groban wrote..."Who can say for certain maybe you're still here, I feel you all around me, your memory's so clear." This is true for me Lovey...and always will be. I still find it hard to believe that you aren't here amongst us in your "earth suit". I love you,I miss you. Mom

I am sooo sorry for your loss, your words to your son are so beautiful. I am sure he hears your prayers. May God grant you peace.

My dear sweet Chris,

Another sleepless nite, one that found me here with you, pouring over the last few posts....and, as usual, sent me to your penned word....
"Truth about Time....
No time to hold you longer.
What doesn't kill me can only make me stronger.
You were close, now slowly moving further away from me.
If I go away, even though you want me to stay
Please don't mourn my presence being gone,

I wish you were here, but you are gone. Since you went away it's been so long and lonely.
If I go away, even though you want me to stay,

Please don't mourn ny presence being gone." Christopher P.

some words from me.....

Do you hear me when I speak to you?
Can you feel my love so deep?
Hae you transcended to another world,
where once again we'll meet?
Do you see my tears continue as I live without you here?
Is it you that comes to visit,
When I feel you are so near?
Do you see I'm lost without you?
Can you tell how much I've changed?
I live my life as if I'm lying, was
this all just prearranged?
Do you know how much I need you?
Can you come take me away?
For living on without you is so difficult each day.

Have others just forgotten,
or do they just ignore?
That grief lives on forever, deep down within my core,

When my Time on Earth is over
and I've worked my whole way through,
Will I travel up to heaven,
to finally be with you?

And yet another holiday has passed, one you so enjoyed as a child, and another anniversary for Dad and I...28 yrs. and you're not here to have shared it...I can only say what I always say,

The TRUTH about Time is that tho it may soften the grief, the mourning, it doesn't take it away,
and it washes over me like the waves of the ocean...neverending tides....


Chris you ARE missed, and I DO mourn your leaving us....you left far too soon, it isn't supposed to happen like this.....

Know we love you babe, today, yesterday, ALWAYS.....

Love, Mom

My dearest, darling precious boy, Chris

It's been four long painful years since you left your earthly body and gained your angel wings.... I'll never get over "loosing you" altho in reality, you are always still here with me. Your presence is all around. in the wind, the sun on my face. You are forever a part of me, as you always were.
We managed thru the holidays with some semblance of comfort this year...we were able to have Mike home from Korea for the two weeks and it was such a blessing spending time as a family doing all the "family" things. You were sorely missed my Lovey, and there were times I thot I might not get thru another minute but I did, knowing you would want me to....
And, yesterday, we actually celebrated the day again....honoring Dads birthday, and, in an even more special way which I know you would approve, celebrating Clarkes baptizing! It was a beautiful day, and altho I ached for you, I was able to remember the good times too....and that felt so good. I am, however reluctantly, moving along this river of grief, and finding the calm waters more and more often....remember our float on the Ouchita....its like that....and I'm learning to go with the flow....
But my son, I will never really learn to go without you....Life is not life without you in it. It will always feel a bit empty...a bit amiss because you are not here in it with me....
In essence...............
"Undo it, take it back, make every day the previous one
until I am returned to the day before the one that made you gone.
Or set me on an airplane traveling west losing this day then that, until the day of loss lies ahead and you are here.
I love you, for always, for ever,
If I could do any of it all over again, know that I would,

I love you for always, I"ll love you for always,,,God Bless you my son....and thank you for looking over us and watching over Clarke.... If you can, please show me a sign soon son, something to hold onto......
God Bless You
Love Mom

Chris,
It's already the fifteenth of November....I can't believe the month has slipped away so quickly. This morning it is cold and cloudy...the sun trying to peek out....the wind blowing....a day you used to love to go out.
Clarke is out in the back yard raking up leaves and jumping in them as you did, and digging holes...keeping busy with the outdoor fun a little boy can have with all his imagination.
I'm reminded of your imagination, how you could come up with all kinds of things to do and build....your skills were so varied!
Am starting the shopping list for the Thanksgiving dinner...and as always, wishing you were here to request your "something special".
Remembering our last Turkey day day together and how special it was....
I miss you honey, God I miss you so. I love you so....
Mom

Chris, my love....

You are gone. I still cannot get my mind and heart around that fact. For you are all around me, and often in so many thoughts thruout my day. I want to scream and yell and throw myself on the floor, as before, fighting the unfairness and injustice of this fact. I loathe the insidious disease that trapped your mind and tortured your soul. I pray every day that we find some way to fight it successfully. I am still struggling son, still in mourning and sometimes it covers all that I do. I'm trying tho to live on as you would have me do....as you asked me to do...but it is hard to do that, yet I know I must in order to celebrate your life. Please be close sweetheart....keep showing me signs to move forward...
We are headed into Thanksgiving again and as you well know, that became "your" holiday as the last one we spent as a family together was so memorable and special. I am both dreading it and looking forward to it, wanting to make it into the holiday it used to be when you all were kids...Clarke, and Layne deserve that, as well as all of us adults. It's time to bring out all the pictures again....and start to remember all the time we did have.....
I miss you Christopher. So fiercely sometimes it hurts me physically and just stops me in my tracks. Know you are loved, have always been loved and wanted....and are missed sorely by all of those you left behind.
Te amo mi hijo, mom

Dearest Christo,

You were with me all day yesterday; at every turn, in every sound and sight, you were there. At first I thought I was just "loosing it" and yet it did not feel like that....you were there holding me up, supporting me when I felt the bottom dropping out. Thankyou my love, you have always been there for me....
I love you 'til' the sun goes down and comes again.....Contact me

Dear Chris,

Good nite my Lovey. You are missed and loved so very much. I cannot explain the emptiness that you left...there is a part of my world that has been taken away, and it will always tear at my heart. Don't ever forget son, you are loved and treasured.........
God Bless, love Mom

My dearest "Christo", my son'

...and a piece of my soul.

It has been an entire year since I have written here...there are many reasons...again, Fall is in the air, the hunters are preparing for the season, the leaves are beginning to fall, and the days are growing shorter.
When I wrote a year ago, we had just welcomed Layne Michael into the family, and Mike was stationed in El Paso Texas...coming home at Christmas to spend two weeks, and then move Annie and the baby down with him.
We still had Bryan's boys here, living with him, staying with us in the ams and pms, and the days were so full at times I fell asleep exhausted at nite, and others just lay in bed staring at the ceiling, praying I could fall asleep.On those nights, my mind would wander into thoughts of you and the questions would start popping up again and I would go over and over the years, wondering, what could I have done? There were holidays to get thru....birthdays doubled up, Sarah and Matthews on the first of Dec., then Alec's on the 16th....I came down with a bug in early November but just kept passing it off as a cold or such...and then suddenly on the seventeenth, collapsed with double pneumonia and ended up in the hospital, fighting for my life for six weeks on the vent, and then later with a trach....I was oblivious thru most of it, didn't really start coming to until sometime in January and the hours I lay there in that bed wondering Why? Why had I survived? I was tired, heart-sore and weary when I became ill...my heart was bleeding slowly, it felt like Life was slipping away and I was anxious for it to do so, to be with you. Yet I survived. My inner spirit kept fighting, and with the prayers of so very many people thruout the community, Dad at my side every moment he could be in there, and at church when he couldn't...God carried me out of that dark place. And I've slowly begun to heal...in many ways.
I still miss you so deeply and fiercely Chris. No person can ever take the place of you that was and is within me. And I have slowly learned that yes, a piece of my heart has been ripped away. The scar IS there. It is deep, scabbed over, and sometimes seeps and weeps because you are gone and left me behind. I'll never forget you baby, and you must know how very much I love you...and loved you while you lived.
So, today, a year later, Clarke , now five years old already! is in kindergarten, and in a twist of fate, is in Mrs. Browns class...the same kindergarten teacher Sarah had! He is amazingly intelligent and loves to read and write and draw! Sounding out letters on signs everywhere....he's into "Star Wars action figures and is going to be Anniken for Halloween! He is doing really wonderful Chris. You would be so proud. I am so sorry for both you and he that you are not here to teach him the kind of thing dad and grandaddy taught you....he is a lot like you....Baby Layne is just a year old and has just started walking! Annie and he are living here with her parents as Mike was deployed to Korea for a year last spring, and we all felt it best if they return here so Annie would have the support and help of family while he is gone.
He is due in again on the 22cd of Dec., and that day can't come too soon for any of us. He is so very lonely over there...and it is hard on Annie not having him here with her and Layne. We are fortunate that he wasn't sent to Iraq, directly in the midst of the fighting...and pray still every day for all of our troops overseas to safely return home to their families.
Sarah is doing well also, she is helping keep this big old house together...it sure has gotten bigger since all of you began to "leave the nest". Dad is doing well, back in school, learning to weld, and then will start refurbishing old cars, something he wanted to do with you....and me...well, I'm ok, slowly moving forward, physically getting stronger, determined not to be in the hospital ICU again at Christmas! and working on repainting and decorating the bedrooms etc. The horses are still looking good, getting older, but staying fit. Chip never misses a step I make...he is by my side every moment he can be. It's like he took over me, did you tell him to do that?
I can imagine you doing that......I can hear you now. Still, I wish so strongly you could have held on hon, and kept him at YOUR side.
Ok, I've blabbed enough.......I've not been able to write for fear of what I would write...and so marked today as "THE DAY I had to come and renew my bond with you here...I will be back soon....I miss you babe.
Thanks again to the kind staff of Legacy.com and Gross Funeral home for making this possible.

Blessed be my boy....I love and miss you desperately.
Mom

I do not know you or your family... but I found this site by accident. After reading about your loss i wanted to let you know that I am keeping "Barb" and the rest of christopher's family in my prayers.
sincerely
sandra
[email protected]

Dear Chris,

It's a while since I've written...have visited often, and wanted to write, but stared at the page and the words just wouldn't come.
You have a new nephew! His name is Layne Michael, he was born on September 27th, 2007...weighed 7 lbs, 6 ozs, and was 29' long! He is beautiful, looks just like Mike and so precious. Mike got to come home from El Paso, for his birth, which was great...and was able to stay for a few days!
Fall is in the air, it's beginning to really get cool at nite and I imagine you enjoying it as you used to. Sarah and Clarke and I saw a beautiful buck the other day that crossed the road on Glazy Peau in front of us on the way to school...and I thought of you and how you loved to go hunting, and how I loved just to see the pretty deer....oh my dear Chris, I miss you so....and I so wish you could have held on. I wonder what you would have been doing today, where you would be, and why you couldn't stay.
Those questions will follow me, and I guess just be with me at different levels as I travel thru this journey.
We are going to the cemetery next weekend to put fall flowers out for all of you...I hope you approve, altho I know you aren't there, for I feel your spirit all around us, and appreciate your "visits" Lovey.
I love you, and miss you...and am working hard at honoring your life by living mine...and your memory....stay close,

Love you,Mom

Chris,

Your absence has gone through me
like thread through a needle.
everything I do is stitched
with its color.

Hon, I'm using a number of your favorite clothes and making a quilt...it will warm my heart and sooth my soul when I yearn for your precious hugs.

Missing you, loving you,
Mom

For you Chris, with love,

Our love is steadfast and true, crossing the veil that separates us from us and you. Memory is the treasure chest of our undying love for you.
We have lost a vast amount of our hearts that we will never recover. With Time, we are learning to take what is left of our hearts, making them stronger and learning to live with what remains. That is your gift to us, my precious child, God Bless You.
I'll never forget,
Love, Mom

Chris,

You may not think the world needed you, but it did, it does. For you were unique: like no one who has ever been before or will come after. No one can speak with your voice, say your piece; smile your smile; shine your light. No one can take your place for it was yours to fill. Because you are not here to shine your light, who knows how many travelers will lose their way as they try to pass by your your empty place in the darkness....know dear Chris, you are missed and I search for your light in my heart always.

Loving and missing you, Mom

My son, my child, my angel,

Things here are busy...back to school stuff, Clarke starting his first sport team, Dad having surgery, Mikes baby just around the corner...and more....and I feel a bit overwhelmed. I too am faced with some issues that are on my mind and heart, including missing you fiercely. Please be beside me and help guide me these next few days and weeks...let me know you are "around" and stay "Close" as you always did when you were here on earth with us. I need and miss your quiet strength. I love you son, and am so lonely with you gone.
I love you! Good nite my Lovey...
Alwys, Mom

Chris, my darlin',

I saw you today
Not with my eyes, with my heart
I hugged you today
Not with my arms, with my heart
I heard you whisper "Mom"
Not in my ears, thru the wind
My ears hear the thunder crack
My heart feels the impact
My mind knows,
but will never understand
That you decided to go
My heart refuses
To believe it was so
I saw you today
Not with my eyes, with my mind.

It's been such a busy summer...July was filled with travel, as Mike graduated boot camp on the fifth, in Ft. Sill, Ok., and then Ben and Cara got married in Muscogee on the seventh! We traveled all week, and took Clarkes first two wheel bike with training wheels with us, as his fourth birthday was the first of July, and we left the am of the second...he had to have SOMETHING to do at the hotel, right?LOL You'd be so proud of him Chris, he's such a beautiful soul and a fun little man! Mike did us all proud...graduated "with honors" from boot, and as platoon leader. He is now at Ft. Bliss, in El Paso Texas, going into his fourth week of school and doing well. Annie is nearing her due date and little Layne is expected around the twenty-seventh of next month! So much is happening....We are starting Clarke in a preschool class three days a week this fall so he has some kids his own age and can form some social bonds and skills. Surrounded by adults all the time he doesn't get the "play time" that is only fair for one his age! And, he is accelerated in his learning, and we want to encourage and support that.
I miss you babe...so very much. Some days I almost can fool myself into thinking you are going to walk thru the door any minute....guess that is normal....whatever "normal" is. I look for you everywhere, and have found you in all of the dragonflies and butterflies you send....I "feel" your spirit, free and peaceful and I am soothed by those thoughts. I love you Chris, always. Stay very near my son, I thank God for the comfort you give me, in good times in sad times. Soar free my lovey,

Loving and missing you, always,
Mom

Hi Chris...Well is summer again and when Granpa and I were going through some pictures recently we came across the one taken down in Alligator Point with the joint birthday cake. Time passes each day with the wish that you could have stayed with us in body, not just in thought and spirit. I hope you are happy in heaven with other family that were there to greet you. We all miss you here. Your newest cousin, Haleigh Joelle is growing fast. She now recognizes people, coos and smiles with them. I think she favors Aunt Dori in looks, but has more of a deeper skin tone. Maybe she won't burn so in the sun like Trevor does.
We miss you, young man, and I know someday in the future I will be able to hug you again, but I hope it is in the very distant future since I want to live to at least 85 years!! Love you, Grammy

Dear Chris,

You're gone, and I'm missing you deeply...

like a comet blazing across the evening sky
gone too soon
like a rainbow fading in the twinkling of the eye
gone too soon
shining and sparkling and splendedly bright,
here one day and gone one night
like a loss of sunlight on a cloudy afternoon
gone too soon
like a perfect love just beyond your reach
gone too soon
to inspire and delight, here one day and gone the night
like a sunset dazzling at the rising of the moon
gone too soon
gone too soon

It's Fathers Day and we miss you so deeply Chris...you were too soon gone from our midst.
I love you baby, always,
Mom

My precious son, my babe,

Today you would be twenty years old! Your birthday yesterday went by uneventfully and quiet...different than if you had been here to celebrate...I'll never get used to that, you not being here. I worked on "remembering the dash" in your life journey, remembering all the beautiful and Happy Birthdays you were here. Still I felt so sad. I feel you were cheated, we were also, of you having a young adulthood, and of what life was supposed to be... these are the tough times, accepting Gods will. I do, though with a bittersweet twinge.
We are adding to your memorial site this weekend, putting in some flowering shrubs and plants...sprucing it up a bit. I hope your spirit can rest and join us peacefully there. I still feel you everywhere, you are never far from my thoughts and my heart!
I miss you my child, now, and always. Be near today Chris, as my heart is aching for you. I love you.

Love, Mom

Chris, my son,

Twenty years ago today I was folding and putting away your little shirts and outfits...what I would do to have your clothes to fold for you again...I miss you!

love, Mom

Dear Chris...my son,

I miss you. Those three words contain my heart...and there are days, like today when it seems just this am you were still here with us. I can't get over the missing...and the longing for you.
Its almost your birthday...and I'm so sad you are not here to celebrate...for us to celebrate you.
I miss you,
Love Mom

My dear Chris,

Hey precious, I miss you so much! I have come here numerous times to write the last week or two and then just sit and stare at the screen and your picture and feel lost. I'm finding that I am and can go on with "life", yet it is so easy to become so weary at times. It's then that I "hear" your gentle voice saying "not now mom, not yet". That comforts me somehow...I hear it so clearly, just as if you were sitting right beside me.
Mike is in his fourth week of boot and is homesick but doing well. Be with him son, guide him when he is having a tough time. I would have gone through this with you just two years ago...and I often wonder what you would have done. I see the many new things he is learning and know you would have been a "natural".
Another mothers day has passed without you, and again it wasn't the same, and I was sad even tho I had the rest of the family close. Both my boys were gone, and that grieves me so. Mikes birthday fell on Mothers day this year which made it double hard as we couldn't be with him to celebrate.
I am going to start working on an online memorial page for you...it ought to be interesting as I am so computer illiterate...but I will muddle through.
Clarke talks of you often and we share how much you loved fishing, hiking, hunting etc. He wants to be like his Uncle Chris. We now call the area down by the creek where you used to go "Chris' spot" and he likes to go down there and "fish" and play in the creek. I am still building a memorial of sorts to/for you there, and hope to get some flowers planted soon.Mike and Annie cleared it out a bit, as did Dad and I so it is a nice "swimming hole" as well.
I MISS YOU BABY!!!!!I miss you so much. I intensely wish I could have helped you hold on to Life, yet know it wasn't in Gods plan. I'm the mother of three, but cannot hold you and that is so sad. I ran into someone who knew you from your class and she mentioned you, how nice you ere, how handsome and tall, and I burst into tears...bittersweet tears for you not being here, and because she said your name. I say it all the time, and it is often said here in the house, but to hear it outside made me both proud and sad.
I love you babe, and will never forget you or go a day without you in my thoughts and prayers.

"If a star fell every time I think of you the sky would be empty."

Loving and missing you, Mom

My sweet son, my precious child...

I miss you so. Your presence has been all around me lately, and I've had so many things trigger memories of days gone by.
You would be proud...Mike left yesterday for boot camp, and he "is in the Army now"!
He was excited and very ready to go, both in the physical and emotional sense. I of course am proud and happy for him, yet the typical "mama blues" of having ones child move out of the nest have enfolded me. It was extra difficult as the day, the 25th, was his ship out day and you well know that day is always a hard one for me.He has embarked on a new path, and I am excited for him!
I miss you Chris, with a ferocity that often overwhelms me. I wonder where you'd be? Or what you would be doing right now if that insidious disease had not taken hold of you. You are at peace, and no longer in pain which comforts me.
If words and thoughts could bring you back...you know they would...I miss you so.
Be close my child, and remember me as I do you. I love you always and forever.
Mom

Chris, my Lovey,

So much new to share...you have a beautiful new cousin, Haleigh Joelle; Aunt Dori and Uncle John are so proud..Trevor is thrilled, as are the rest of us. She brings the number of grandchildren to ten...I so wish you were here so we could get you all in a picture together. Remember that time at Christmas we all went to the photographer and had pictures made? What a fiasco that was! Still, it is nice to have those memories!
I am floating on "Happy" as the horses came home from Terris yesterday! They look great, seem happy to e home, and I am blessed to be loved by those two beautiful creatures! Coming home, they brought a piece of me back I clearly didn't know was missing! We have much to do, replacing fencing that had been torn down, but everyone is pitching in, including Gary! He and his girlfriend are also expecting a baby...within a week of Mike and Annies! He misses you Chirs. We all do. I know you would be out there with me getting things set up, even tho you didn't ride, you always helped me with my "dream". Thank you...I know I did not say that often enough while you were here with us....
Thankyou for your "visits" lately...they are like a balm on a very painful wound.
We are "making it" on this grief journey, working at focusing on the good memories and making new ones. Clarke and Mike now have a small fish trap in the creek just like you used to have and he delights in checking it often during the day, and first thing in the morning! Of course, they let them go, but it is still a hoot to see his little face and hear the excitement in his voice. He so reminds me of you Chris...you would be proud. Mike is fantastic with him and is spending time doing the things ya'll used to do, with him. Mike will be heading to boot camp on the 25th of April, less than a month away! I will miss him deeply, but am proud of him too. Annie went to the Dr. Tuesday, and I went with them...we got to see the baby on the ultrasound and it was wonderful to witness a new little life! Dad has been busy with the spraying and general upkeep...Sarah working full time now! She seems to enjoy what she is doing, and that is really the most anyone could ask for!
Me, I am taking each new day as it comes...working hard to appreciate each one to its fullest, and missing you. Until next time my sweet boy...I love you forever.
Mom
PS Thank you for all the "signs" of your visits!

My dearest Chris,

"i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)...and soul and being....and I miss you now, and always.
The service for Grampa Hershel was yesterday. It was a beautiful Spring day, and I imagined you and he clasping hands in warm familiar embrace, and I am somehow comforted, knowing you are in yet another pair of loving hands. I simply KNOW yours were outstretched to his as always.

Missing and aching for you,
Mom

My dear sweet angel, Chris,

Today brought yet another special angel your way....Uncle Hershel joined your ranks, and is now I believe happily alongside his beloved and treasured wife and friend, Grandma Ludi! He passed away early this morning, sadly before we had a chance to say "Goodbye". But, he is at peace, and I know he has been lost here in this realm without Grandma Ludi! Show him "the ropes" Chris, and if you can, send us a sign that you are all together and happily "partying" together!
This will be and is another tough loss for me, as well as the rest of the family, and I pray you and Grandaddy and all of the "crew" stand close at our sides and help us as we grieve the loss of our special "Grandpa Hershel". It is the ending of an era of sorts, and I will so miss our visits, etc.
Aunt Catherine is so sad and I want to get down to Magnolia soon to offer her our support and love.

I miss you Chris...so much tonite that it physicaly hurts. Come to me in my dreams baby...I need you!

Bless you and ask God to bless our family on this part of the journey as we work thru saying our last farewells. Goodnite sweet one...my strong and wonderful son and spirit!, Love Mom

Dearest Chris,

I miss you so. I miss that you aren't here to help plant the new trees, roses and flowers we are putting in. I think I have finally come to a reluctant acceptance you are gone forever from this world, and no amount of grieving or lamenting will bring you back...still...be close my little one, and guide our hands and hearts. I love you. Mom

February 15th,

Oh my precious child, where have you gone?
Yet another "holiday", one of love and loving has passed. I remembered how you were always so generous on Valentines days, I remember your first girlfriends, and the time we drove to the other side of town in horrible weather so you could deliver your rose to your some one special...I would do it again and again my sweet one. "If only"....I am so sad today without you...so much has passed since you left, yet in many ways for me time still stands still. Always will. You are my Lovey, now then and always...don't forget that sweet Chris, and look for me...I love you, Mom

Dearest Chris,

Today dawned bright, cold and sunny...much like the morning you left...and as I watch the squirels climb around in your tree house and into the feeder, and the sparrows scattered throughout the yard, I am reminded again of how fragile Life is, and how precious each day is.
And how important it is to live each moment...and how each moment seems like an eternity without you here with us. I am sad Chris...that you, and we are missing so much of Life together. You're going to be an uncle again....Mike and Annie are expecting! You made such a great uncle...keep watch over this new "batch" of Elmores for me Chris. Help them stay safe and guide their hearts with yours...
I miss you so, my son...
Lovingly, longingly, Mom

My dearest Chris,

As you know, I have always looked to words to express the feelings that begin down deep, somewhere in the midst of mind, heart and soul. I have been struggling with finding those that will fit the churnning emotions I am experiencing on this anniversay or better yet, your "memorialday". so anyway, here;'s what I have found in those recesses, and in the words of someone more eloquent than I in piecing them together....

"For survivors, the word "closure" often connotes that the bereaved are underachievers who flunked a grief course. Though the intention is meant to be symmpathetic, there is often a note of chastisement for failing to end the mourning process. ...For grief work takes more time and effort than most people ever anticipate. And even after weeks, months, years later grief may ebb but never ends...

Well you tell me I should wipe my
tears.
We'll all be together again,
Well, Forever is...
Now until then.

The beauty of their lives never ends. The life of the dead is now placed in the memory of the living. Fore 'Love is as strong as death' (8:6)

The act of living is different all through. His, your absence, is like the sky spread over everything. (CS Lewis)

I see you Chris, 'spread over everything...soaring over everyone and everything...I feel you in the lift of a breeze that stires the leaf...the ripple of the water in the creek, and the warming rays of sunshine. I know that you, and your Grandaddys and gGrandmas,all who have gone before are "here" with me. And that is enough, most days. And on those days its not, remind me with your gentle touch, your warm smile, a soft caress on my cheek... Remind me Chris...of the beauty of life, of your life.

I love you baby...I'll never not remember you!
Mom

Chris, my lovey, my child, my babe,

Today marks the second year without you in amongst us...feeling the cold brisk air of the end of winter, the damp wet cold of winter, or the clear bright blue skys that are telltale signs of the spring ahead. I miss you child. So very much. Life is just not Life without you here to share it.I read a saying the other day, and I will close with these words...

Well, you tell me I should wipe my tears,
We'll all be together again,
Well, Forever is....
Now until then.

"The act of living is different all through. His absence is like the sky, spread over everything." C.S. Lewis

Loving and remembering you.

Mom

Chris, my Lovey,
Well, as you probably know, things here are "hoppin". Mike and Annie will be getting married on Friday, and then a small reception on Saturday...I'm ding the cakes etc., as always...and then, he will "ship out" for boot camp on the 17th of this month! Everything is happening so fast! I am going to miss him terribly, and his leaving at this particular time makes my longings for what "used to be" even stronger. But, you each must fly and leave the nest eventually, so I am proud of him, and know you would be/are also! I keep wondering and trying to remember what we were doing at this time two years ago...Why that seems so important I don't know...but it is. I miss you child and feverently wish you were here to share in the celebrations etc.
Altho we aren't saying it too much, this month Dad and I are just holding onto our faith and praying to get thru each day. The pain of loosing you...the coincidences of Dads B-Day and the anniversary of your leaving on the same day looms large and ominus, but we are taking it one day at a time and working on living more "in the moment". Clarke helps in that department, as now he is 3 1/2 (can you believe it?) and full of spunk, energy and "lets the energy flow!"
I am still struggling Chris...I want all the answers to "why" and "what ifs" even as I know they aren't mine to have just yet.I suppose that makes me human...and fallible. So be it!
Please give our love ones hugs for me...and while your at it, if you can, come to me as you first did and let me know your gentle hand touching my shoulder....I'll never not remember you Christopher....I love and miss you so very much!

XXXXXXXOOOOOOOOO, MOM

My dearest Chris,

It's a rainy, dreary day, and matches my mood so well. God I miss you so. We are coming up on the two year anniversary of your death...why, do you think, it is phrased like that?
For me, it has been two horrendous years, filled with so much grieving. Yes, there have been good times, happy spots, gentle days...but I cannot help but wish you had been here to share them.
We will be traveling to LR today to watch and support Michael as he takes his oath for joining the Army! I am so very proud....and I am going to miss him as well. I wonder what you would have chosen, if you had given yourself time...
I know you would have been an awesome soldier. You are today...one of light, peace, and gentleness. God Bless you sweet baby. I love you. And I miss you so much! My heart and soul ache for you.
You
are my favorite angel! And as for angels...and stars...perhaps they are not stars in the sky, but openings where our loved ones shine down to let us know they are happy. And when someone you love becomes a memory, the memory becomes a treasure, and the heart a place to safely keep it!
You are always in my heart Lovey...and when I look to the nite sky, I see you smiling down on me. I love and miss you. Be with Mike on this new adventure and journey, and as his gaurdian angel, keep him safe!

I love you,
Mom

Christopher,

Well, the second Christmas has passed without you...this one seemed in some ways more painful than the first. Still, we all worked hard to "stay in the moment" and recognize all of our blessings of today. I will not pretend tho...your absence was felt in so many ways, and the grief of loosing you is with each of us strongly. Clarke had a blast, and as I watched his precious face, I caught glimpses of you at that age, and was warmed by those thots.
It seems sureal that you have been gone from this world this long...never could I have dreamed or imagined what life without you in it would be like. I miss you so my child...and pray each day for grace, and also forgiveness for any hurt and pain I may have caused you to feel. I ache in the knowing of how deeply you were hurting as you left....
I have learned the importance and the joy of living "just for today" and that hardwon knowledge came from your wisdom my son...you were so wise. I continue to ask that you look over each of us...me...and found a quote that so fits: "On angels....perhaps they are not stars in the sky at all, but openings where our loved ones shine down to let us know they are happy!"
I belive and trust you are happy now Chris. I love you, and a piece of me is there with you, so hold on tight to it and I'll see ya when I get there! Good night Lovey, Mom

My child,

It has been some time since I have "visited" here. For one reason or another, I have not been afforded of the opportunity. I AM here today, by the grace of God and that is enough.

This is a prayer I pray daily, to guide me thru each one. It is said that "Time heals all." But I beg to differ...It is a misconception that "Time is what heals." It's not Time, but what you do with Time that makes it healing."

Lord, I need your help to survive,
A part of me is gone, but I am still "alive". Let me not be obsessed with "if onlys" and "whys", only You know the reason that someone dies. I must take time to weep and smile when I can. And try not to be concerned with the judgement of man, Help me to numb the everyday pain, so that hollow inside of me will not remain. May I substitute goals for my feelings of guilt; not be ashamed of the Life that I have built. Finally, show me the way to reach others like me, so then I'll know my survival was meant to be. Amen.

My dearest Chris, I have not had the opportunity to visit here recently, "computer gliches" 'ya know. Still, I have thought many times of wanting to put my feelings and thots on paper...Most of all, I miss you son. That burning ache remains, sometimes raging as a forest fire, sometimes simply smoldering, yet always there just the same. Thanksgiving holiday has come and gone, it was a painful one this year too...I think because the numbness is beginning to wear away, and reality settling in even deeper that you are gone from our misdst. Never from my heart, soul and thots! Sarah is now 23, her birthday was on Friday, and it hardly seems possible. I remember so clearly her birth, and the beginning of that part of my life, as a mother. I so wanted to be a good one...was I? I suppose that question is mute...I can only say I did the best I knew each day...just as each of us fumble through each new experience. We are embarking on yet another Christmas season, without you, and the emptiness is beginning to become more poingnent, and bittersweet. Your ornaments will help dress the tree, just as they do every year...and I know in my heart you are here. Stay close my little one...and visit me when you can, ok? I love you Christopher Patrick...more than mere words can say. I miss you as well, more than I can express in words. Help us remember the "reason for the season" Chris.Lovingly, longingly, Mom

9-25-06

Chris, my lovey...

I come here again...today...the 25th.
Here's something I think I have learned in this desperate and painfully long, yet infinitely short time since you left...
One day, you wake up and realize you must have survived it, because you are still here; alive and breathing.
But you don't remember the infinitely small steps that you took to get there.
Your only awareness...that you have shed miles of tears on what seems to be an endless road of sorrow.
And somehow, then, it happens. One day, one glorious day, you wake up and feel your skin tingle again.
And you forget just for that instant, that your heart is broken...
and it is a beginning.

So, I have learned, there is a new beginning...even when it feels like an ending. And I guess, I have touched that spot, fleetingly...briefly...yet the knowing is within.
But I will not forget. I will not let others forget. YOU are the reason for this tingle...and I treasure the sense of your spirit enfolding me.
I love you...I miss you...I need you...
Forever my child, yours.
Love Mom

9/22/'06

Chris,

My child,I miss you so. I ache for your presence.I feel lost in a world full of people I love and who love me. Is this how you felt?
Please...I know you are as close as I allow...and I need you close now. You still "...are my sunshine".
We are experiencing a great weather change the last few days, and I know you would be outside with me, watching...feeling it...the power of the winds,rain,and thunder and lightning...I believe you are, can you "feel" me with you? If only that question was answered for me, I think I might find a peace. I am with you...know that, and be with me...ok?
I love you sweetheart...always.

Mom

Barbara,



I can write now, I have not known what to say. I have lost 2 brothers and my mother. My brothers were both 25 when they died. I cannot even begin to fathom what it would feel like to lose a child. My heart goes out to you from the very depth of my soul. We met your son for a very brief moment in his life. I told my grandsons about his passing. One of them said, "but gramma, he was so nice," they had spend just a small moment of their life with him. In that small moment of time he had made an impression on them. You did good, in raising, him if he could have made that impression on a small child in that brief moment in time. I have prayed for you and David, and will continue to do so. J.D. wants to talk to David, but does not know what to say. There is a little saying about a little Angel.



There was a little Angel that was always crying. One day God asked him, "Why are you crying all the time?" he said, "Everytime I try to light a candle for my family, their tears put it out."



Your son is in a good place. Where he is, is a happy place, he is with the Lord. I have never been a truly religious person, but I believe when we lose someone we love or a truly a good person, he can only be with our Creator. Try to let him go a little, so that he can light a candle to take care of his family. Always keep him in your heart, as I know you will. You will forever remain in his, and his care wherever you go.



When you see something out of the corner of your eye, don't look to fast, it is him, watching you, taking care of his family. He is everywhere. He will never leave you. I thank God every day, that when we lose someone dearly that we love, that the one thing that remains forever is their memory, without this, where would we be.

I often think my brothers are just on a trip, because I still have their memory, their smell, their laughter, everything that is them.

My youngest brother that died, told me don't cry when I die, so I can always keep a candle lit for you.



Linda Vasquez-Allen

August 28, 2007





It was one year and eight months ago we buried you my love, and those have been excruciatingly sad, painful, lonely and difficult for me. I miss you so very much. Every now and then I "hear" you or catch a glimpse of someone who resembles you...and simply cry. It's not that I don't feel happy thots, I do so. Every day many more. They come most often unexpectedly...a sound, a smell something of you, you left behind. I smile thru the tears Chris. It is then that I feel so close to you.When I know with certainty you are still "here" with me, in that place within that will never be lost. The place in my heart and soul that ties me to you, never to be severed.


We went to Florida; Clarke, Sarah, and I for a few weeks to visit Grammy and Granpa Earl...Aunt Dori, Uncle John and Trevor...and the beaches, the waves, smells, sounds. God how I missed you. Your presence was everywhere,yet I could not touch you. Memories of all the times we were exploring down there as a family. I was often overcome with emotions. I had thot that these would slowly ebb...with "time"... but it seems now, the realization of the fact you are no longer HERE with us, the pain is more intense in ways I could not have imagined. The reality of your death is even stronger now....and I pray daily for the strength to go on with only memories of you. But "only" is not a adequate word, for I am so blessed in those. I am a better person for having known you...loved you Christopher, and that is the most special gift any person can recieve.


So my dear one, on this "anniversary" I send you my love, my thots of you, and a "Thankyou" for touching my life so deeply and sharing your love with me. I am proud to be your mother...


I love you baby...always and forever. Mom

July 24, 2006



Christopher, my baby child....



I tenderly call you that, "child", yet realize you were so much more....and I did not see it then, did not value and accept it then. I am so sorry my lovey, for not reconizing and truly sharing in that part of your transition within Lifes journey. I wonder, if I had, would you still be with us now?

The summer is rapidly moving along...school supplies have been on Wal-Mart shelves...school clothes and lunchboxes...paper and pencils....

I miss our yearly jaunts there to prepare for the next school year.

It is still very hot tho, the kind of weather that would find you forever in or about the creek...and if not there, here inside with the X-box, Nintendo, or a good movie! Gary and Mike have been doing a lot of fishing lately also, something I know you would be in the middle of.

Chris, my hearts aches so heavy with all of the questions you left unanswered...with all of the "what ifs", "if onlys" and

"shoulda-coulda-wouldas".

I am struggling to reach that place of peace of mind and soul in order to continue walking on....it is so elusive, so slippery, and just as I imagine I have grapsed it, enough to hold on, I flail about and find myself at the bottom of the hill once again. I can only imagine that you, in your pain, must have experienced these feelings...with so much intensity as to burn you. I wish I could have soothed your "burns", eased your pain.

I am so lost, my son...on every plain, in evry aspect of my life. I do not know which end is up, or which is down, and sometimes don't have the energy to care. Many say, or have said, that I must "get over this" and "get on with life"--why do they not understand that YOU were/are an important aspect of my life? Just as breathing and eating,you, with your siblings, dad and family, made up my "Life". How does one move on without a very integral part of themselves?

You are my sunshine baby...I look to the stars, and look for you daily. Please, fly over me so that I may see you, free, happy, and unencumbered by the weights ofthe world which you carried.My eagle soaring high, carried on the peaceful winds of time.



I love you dear child...I miss you fiercely! God Bless You.



Love, Mom

July 1, 2006

Hello Chris,



Hugs to you! Oh how I wish so deeply I could enjoy the warmth of your loving arms surrounding me...how I cherish the memories of those hugs, and the ones I gave to you. One lesson I have taken from your sudden departure is that I always want to reach out and hold those I love. I do this now, because you taught me how precious time and opportunity are.

Speaking of "time", Clarke turned three today! He had a geat day, and totally enjoyed his new "John Deere" tractor! It even has a bucket on it! He practiced pedaling up and down the driveway...just as you did so often! And, at the end of the day, as we were sitting at the table eating his cake, said to us, "this is the best birthday "ebber" you guys!" He was so sincere, and it was one of those "out of the mouth of babes'" comments. I sensed you near often today. Thankyou.

The fourth of July is upon us; it hardly semms possible. I remember how much fun you always had with the fireworks...how you and Mike, your cousins, Grandadddy, EVERYONE had so many, and the cook-outs we all shared. I miss that. The loud ones are still hard for me...I'm sure you understand. Yet, it is another day to appreciate those around me, and remember. This year, cousin Brian is here, his Birthday on the fourth, so it will be a new way to celebrate that day!

Dad is healing slowly...I am encouraged by his foward steps. Help him tho Chris, if you can, his sorrow is sometimes so much to conquer. He looks forward to your "visits" while he is in the hammock under the trees....looks for them and your other "signs".

I too am grieving still so deeply, yet I know you would not want that to be your only legacy. I really loved your "visit" yesterday as I drove on the freeway, sun roof down and wind blowing all around me....then the song you played/sang/listened to, "I'm Free, Free Fallin'...came on. My emotions overflowed with bittersweet joy and longing in the memories. Thankyou so much! I needed that!

Sweetie, we miss you so. I love you,

Mom

Christopher, lovey,

Today is "Fathers Day" and 'tho we know your spirit is close, I ask you to be close to Dad today. He misses you so, and I know that this day is special to him, yet bittersweet because you are no longer among us to celebrate and honor him.
I hope you hold your grampas close today also...give them a hug for us, and let them know we miss and honor them as well.
This is a poem from my heart to Dad...and to you to let you know we'll wish him "Happy Fathers Day" from you as well.

Happy Fathers Day

Today is Fathers Day, Dave,
This is your special day.
I realize this is hard for you
since your son went away.

Today should be a happy day
for Fathers far and near,
But for you, it's not that way
because "everyone" is not here.

Along with the joy you feel
because you are a Dad,
Comes the bittersweet knowing
it's somehow incomplete,
longing for the other son you had.

The rest of us realize
that Chris is on your mind.
The cards look so strange
without his name signed.

We all miss him a lot,
and we really hurt for you.
Even 'tho he is gone now,
His Dad is is still you!

Altho he can't tell you
"You're such a special and loved man",
All the rest of us can,
Happy Fathers Day Dad!
We do understand.

Lovingly, always, missing you forever,

Mom

June 8, 2006



Christopher Patrick,



HAPPY 19TH BIRTHDAY!!!!



Altho we can share with you simply within spirit, our hearts celebrate the blessing of your life and time here with us, and we celebrate the day of your birth with balloons and notes we released and "sent" to heaven. I am reminded of the birthdays, each one special, and the joy I felt. The pride and warmth you brought to me. I imagine how we may have celebrated today, and trust you know it would be and is with great joy.



Chris, you were my baby child...and will forever hold that special place. Know I miss you; know I cherish the memories. Cherish the love. And walk on with faith.



My heart yearns for you, and misses you.



Love, Mom

Christopher, my lovey, my baby, my son...



This week has brought yet more loss, more emptiness, and somehow, more acceptance.



I know you welcomed Grandma Ludi into your outstretched arms on Mon. AM...I know all of you gone before us were there to greet and welcome her into the peaceful realm of Heaven. Thank you sweetie. We, Daddy and I, truly appreciate and found comfort in knowing that.



She held on, waited for us to be able to get there and say our goodbyes on Sunday...we were there with her all day, and it hurt to see her struggling to stay with us just a little longer. Yet she did, and slipped painlessly out and up to our Lord early the next am.



Tuesday, the 25th was very difficult for me this year. It seems that Tuesdays are hard...and when they co-incide, even more so. I miss you babe, and on these days, so wish I could have said or done SOMETHING to help you here. That's where the acceptance part comes in, however grudgingly. Wednesday, yesterday was the funeral...and I fell apart once we reached the cemetary..for as you know, you are at rest beside her, even with a "spot" in between...I became so sad, so upset because they had to disturb your "spot", remove flowers etc. and even place boards over "you". When I saw, watched Daddy and the others carry "her" up the hill, I became even more distraught. All the events of that day we delivered you there that had been shrouded and buried deeply within my mind and heart came bursting thru, and I was flooded with grief...over your loss, and Ludi's, and "Grandaddy....I am so sorry sweetie that your grave was disturbed so...I know it may not have mattered to others, or not as painful, but I felt so lost, and confused and angry...like a mother bear wanting to "protect" her cub. Iv'e always felt as tho that instinct was engraved within me...and feel I failed you so much by not being able to prtect you. I am not sure why I am even "telling" you all this, except that I want you to KNOW I am working hard to HONOR your LIFE...to keep the memories of you alive and celebrated. Help me Chris, I feel as tho I am back where we were almost 1 1/2 years ago...even that concept is hard to believe and reconize. I am struggling, and holding onto the Lords promise, and your spirit that surrounds me to keep moving one step in front of the other.



I love you Christopher...always have, always will. Know that. Help me...



Mom

My beautiful Chris,

This day of the month always feels a bit "heavier", and I hope one day I will experience it with a lighter spirit, I reach out to God to carry me thru it. It hurts so.

I am proud to call you "my son", I hope you somehow knew that, or know it now.

About a week or so ago, we had a large storm with a great deal of rain all at once. Dad and Clarke and I walked down to "your" place on the banks of the Glazy Peau...the circle I began just a few days after you "flew", and we had added so many things that both you and we enjoy. We were concerned, and rightly so, that our memorial to you was at risk of being washed away...so we moved your rock circle...created over time by each of us, (we look for that "special" one), and carry it down to add to the others. I began it as a way of being"close" to you, and celebrating a special, or even simple memory of our time here with you.

We "dismantled" it of sorts, and I felt strange taking it apart, even tho we are restoring it. Clarke and I walked down this afternoon to plant some more bulbs and it was the first time I had seen it since the "flood". Altho I KNOW you KNOW it, I want to say somehow that in no way are we "removing You"...your spirit remains, and we enjoy having that special place to simply sit and remember you. We are placing it in a safer area...and Dad and I are finally building that Japanise garden we've have always talked about.
You would enjoy it, and I only wish you were here to share it with us.
I love you Chris, and miss you deeply. Just know you are never forgotten, never erased, from our hearts and souls...Goodnite my babe, Love Mom

Tues. March 14,2006


My Dearest Chris,


It is a bright, crisp morning...birds singing, sun shining brightly over the valley, much like the day you left us...I ache for you. I miss you so very much,; your beautiful smile, the comfort of your towering hugs, the sound of your voice.
It has been a very difficult year. We are all learning to move forward in this "new" life, and I am afraid I am abysmally failing in that endeavor. I still hurt so, and am overwhelmed with our loss. For although I know you are still with us, so strongly in spirit and fully in memory, I reluctantly must accept the emptiness your leaving has left us.
I awoke this morning with you on my mind and thoughts. And somehow from somewhere realized that I must not remain in this place of grief and sadness, for to do so would deminish the beauty that was you, and the joy I experienced within the time you were here in our earthly world. I felt you next to me, and the warmth and comfort which came from the specialness that is you enveloped me and lightened my heart.
I have been holding back in Life without you and felt a surge of strength and hope this morning as thoughts of you came to me. Chris, there will never be a day that I don't think of you...miss you with all my heart. I know you want us, me, to celebrate your life here. Trust you are in peace. And give the time remaining here the effort and glory which God has givin us.
Guide me Chris, touch me now and then. And know I am living more fully, and appreciating more completely the promise of each new day. I carry you close and always my son,in heart, mind and spirit. God blesses me in every moment and every thought of you, and I know one day I will once again hold you, and be embraced in your loving arms. That gives me strength to "live" in today and embrace every moment.
I love you. I miss you.
Mom

Christopher,

My dear baby and loving son...

I miss you so very much, and tho it is said that "Time" eases all wounds, I feel torture in my heart that my grief...my shame of letting you down...and ultimately, knowing there had to have been something else I could have done, swetheart, to ease and comfort. I am and will always love you. Your spirit remains, which helps me to pull thru each day. I have no idea of what is ahead yet know I am richer and the better to face it because of you.

Chris, be close today, and help me to remember that we will see each other soon.

God Bless You! Loving you, Mom

2/23/06



WINGS



Darling Christopher,



All I ever wanted was to keep you

nestled under my wing

Until yours were strong enough

to fly the high places

Find open spaces

and build your own home.



All I ever needed was to keep my

eye on you

Until yours could look farther

to see the high places

Watch open spaces

And make them your own.



All I ever wished for

was to give you strong wings

To be there when you tested them

against the windy places

and newfound spaces

Of shattered dreams gone.



All I ever hoped for

was to be there if you fall.

Tell you that you won't always be small

And that truly high places

And wide open spaces

Await he who flies again.



Now I must find the faith

that you are soaring in places

New spaces I simply cannot see

That someone watches over you

And someday I will see...

you soaring high and waiting there for me.





I am lost without you here, you were one of the my "landmarks"

and I look to the day we fly again.



God Bless you..Loving you alwas, MOM

Feb.23,2006

Chris,




I sit here and wonder'how many times have I come to this site?' And I realize it realy does'nt matter...I've been here. In those times, I have reached out to you,tried to somehow find some peace of heart and mind. But that is something earned...and I must blunder on in search of the grace of that knowledge.
I miss you so Chris. Every day carries us further away in the time scheme, yet at times it feels I am no more ahead, Time races on, and stands still together.
You are missed.You were/are a special and precious child. God how I wish you were still here..I love you...always.
Love, Mom

Wed. Feb.8,2006

My darling Chris~~
Today dawned with that kind of sunlite that sort of promises to be a bright and sunny day~~almost.
There is still that vague sense of instability-insecurity in the atmosphere which leaves one on the edge, waiting. When these kind of days appear, I fight to stay looking toward the sunny side...focus on the possibilities. You taught me that Chris...I can hear you...feel your strength around me...encouraging me to move onward,upward,and thru. Yet, I am also fraught with the questions which haunt me...could I have encouraged you to see past the dark and gloomy morning? I use these thoughts as more metaphoric than "reality"...the only stark reality of all of this is that you are gone. And I miss you so. Your spirit is amoung us, around me and frequently I look for you,for your guidance.
I cannot believe...don't want to...that you have been gone from this realm for over a year. I guess I am "recovering" in that a year ago today, that reality was far to raw to wrap around me...to alllow mind, heart, and soul to accept. Even as I write these words I want to rebel. I want to shout that this is one sick joke. That somehow, somewhere, you are still here. Chris honey, your death has challenged me~~everything that is me~~ to stretch, grow,ache from what has seemed at times like a marathon which has no end, and for which I was not and am not conditioned. I feel shame and guilt often, that it appears it took loosing you to reconize and be thankful for the many joys, gifts, and wonders of our world. I sob as I write this Chris...I am so sorry. And, I am so grateful God shared you with me for the time you were here. I am eager to hold you once again, as I know we will. I am hopeful I will take each of the next "tests" and use them toward good.
I miss you so Chris. I love you so. I need to go out and face the day~~ be it bright or gloomy. Be close Chris, touch me so I may know you are there with me. God Bless You...God Bless all of us. Mommy

Chris,

I remember, and I ache for you and miss you deeply. Be here with me--help me "...make it thru.:

Love, Mom

January 28, 2006





For you Chris...



I Remember

What it was like to see your face



I Remember

What it was like to hear your voice



I Remember

How you used to forage for food

to make your special treats



I Remember

What you boys got up when you

thought we were'nt looking



I Remember

How you would spend what seemed

like hours in the in the shower

and how you did your hair





I Remember



Your scent

Your smile

Yourlaugh

Your voice



I Remember You...



I Love you Chris~~I miss you



Mom

Chris...It has now been a full year since you moved on "to greener pastures" I am surprised that this date, Jan. 25th 2005 has come and gone--I never thought it would, and when I did allow those thot's to seep in, I promptly sent them away. There IS no "getting over" the death of one's children, and my heart still aches so.

Be that as it may, the pain is not gone, only tempered some by Time.

We are expected to "...get on with Life" and those comments make me feel so frustrated. How can everyone say that who have not "...walked in my shoes". How can I go on without you, my baby, my child?

I work hard towards my acceptance of the reality that you are truly gone. And, my faith also carries me, I know God and all of His angels are with you, holding you closer...and you are now at peace in your soul and spirit. There have been---were many times I have tried to assure myself that this is my journey today, to ACCEPT what has happened, what is, and even to a degree, future. Lately I find myself either immersed in this grief...and other times when I feel like I have somehow numbed myself...all the while wishing, praying and hoping you were here. I wonder too, if you can see and feel the anguish I carry. I take faith in that you have none of these feelings affecting you. When I close my eyes, and center myself, I can feel your arms embracing me...smell your your aftershave...hear your voice. But these moments are fleeting and just out of reach. I long for the day when we are once again reunited. Hold a seat for me Chris, ok?

This post is not what I sat down to write...I hope to gather my thoughts more clearly and come back to you.

I love and miss you so much Christo. You are all around, and so many memories flash thru my days. Thankyou for the "signs" you send to each of us...they comfort us all so much. Goodnite my sweet baby...holding you close, as always.

I love you! Mom

Chris, my child...

Another day the sun rose, the sky a beautiful blue, and every one going about their daily rituals, work, etc.

But I don't seem to recognize "time", it has all been a blur since you left. People insist I "go on" and say the pain will ease...I fight that belief, even tho I KNOW it to be true, for you are in Gods world, and finally at peace. I miss you baby, and it hurts, knowing you won't be here in the morning for lunch, or dinner, or just simply be in our our everyday world.

I want you to know Chris, the things that I recognize the things I failed to do or act upon only a year from this day...I will be forever sorry about that. I guess what I want to say again is that I am the better for knowing you...the importance you made in my life...and the things I have learned.

I love you sweetheart, Nite, Mom

Christopher,

I miss you so, and begining a new year seems like such a painful task. I keep thinking about where you were, in all senses of the word, and grieve knowing you had to be in such emotional pain.

I will face this new year, shoulders held back, head up, and with as much grace I can muster. It won't ease the longing, but I hope to honor your life!I love you baby...always, Mom

Christopher, my lovey...my son,



The countdown is upon us, only hours from now we will slide into the New Year.



These holidays have been painful, to say the least, yet somehow we have managed to get thru them, all the while in a fog of grief, missing you, and wishing you were here. Clarke truly knew what Christmas was/is about this year and seemed to have a great time. I sooo wish you had been here, yet know at the same time you were if only in spirit.



It is unfathomable to think or reconize that almost an entire year has passed...for me, time has stood still or in slow motion with me simply going thru the motions of "living". Thee are such profound and meaningful things I want to say, yet find myself suddenly at a loss for words. I trust you already know and hold on to that thought.



Your abcense has been felt by all, and I don't mind telling you that these feelings are rough to deal with. Yet I LOVE you Chris...always have, always will. I abhor the thot of "bringing" in this New Year without you. It seems so wrong. I know you are in a better place tho, and no longer in the anguish you were in, so that is a Christmas gift.



As we draw nearer to the "one year" mark I hope and pray that I can celebrate your life and the gifts you shared. I will "send a note" as we move thru the month, and ask you to show us in some way that you understand and are "here" with us!



I am going to sleep this New Years in...visit me in your dreams babe.

Love you always, miss you always, Mom

Happy Thanksgiving, 2005...

Chris, another first with out you here amongst us...no one to share the turkey wings, or the cherry pie...I miss you so my little one.

We have tried all week to prepare and ready ourselves for "the norm" and I think for the most part we have each managed to do our part. It does'nt take away from the longing, the shear weight of reality that you are no longer here with us...we won't celebrate again this day, ever.

There are many things that stir memories, and each seem to remind of us how special you are, and were here on Earth.

Sweetie, I love and miss you, the tears sometimes just won't stop. Yet they are said to be healing, so I hang on to that, praying it is enough.

The earth is full of fall/winter, and I am reminded of you around every corner and nook and cranny.
I think of what you would be doing...the hunting, the fishing...and just "the walkabout".
I feel your spirit all around, and am grateful for that.

Chris, I have watched that last recording you made of you singing and speaking with us...it was painful, and sad, and I wish I could have made it better. I will forever thakyou for your "goodbye"...it is'nt anything one wants to hear, especially a mother from her child, yet it did help me understand that you loved/love me...and the genuine spirit you shared. I love you baby, always!

With that I bid you a goodnite, and hope to see you in my dreams!

God Bless and keep you, and us,

Mom

"What we call the beginning is often the end. To make an end is to make a beginning. The end is where we start from."
T.S. Eliot

Chris,
This quote caught me; I at once understood the magnitude of what Eliot was saying, and at the same time so confused. I have felt since the moment you took your last breath here on Earth, that I am facing an ending and a begining all together. At times, I am comfortable with that; and others I rebel against the "logic" of that philosophy, wishing so deeply you were still here with us; we did not have to make a begining out of an end. Yet, as I said, those words "caught me" and have had a large impact on each moment since you left.

You are and will forever be my "beginning"...no matter where it started or when it "ended"....I love you precious child, and miss you dearly.

Mom, always and forever.

Christopher, my Lovey,



Halloween is just around the corner, and with it is the start of the winter "holiday season". I used to anticipate eagerly these weeks and days; putting my heart into preparing for the holidays. Lately tho, I have almost dreaded moving forward into them without you here to complete our world, afraid it will somehow diminish my memories of the holidays when you were here to share in them.



I was browsing some poetry in a book I came across long ago, and was "hit" by this quote...I am holding on, to the meaning of it; reconizing no matter that you are'nt "here", the impact of your life with us will never, never be erased from heart and mind. So, "to you Chris", in the feverent hope I can rise up to the occasion and build on those memories and realities.



I love, miss, and ache for you...and I love you baby...Mom



"If you have built castles in the air,

your work need not be lost; for that is where they should be.

Now, put foundations under them".



---Henry David Thoreau ---

Friday, Oct. 28th, 2005



Little Boy Lost...



Chris, even as you were a young man in the physical sense, you were and always will be my baby, my "Little Boy..." I know how hard you struggled to take on the world and those struggles wore you down. Yet you never truly gave in, just let go of the pain and grief and weight of carrying that world on your shoulders. You are always a hero to me...you fought so hard; today you are free from that pain and sorrow, thru the grace of God, and I envision the grace and lightness of your soul.



A poem for you Chris, from my heart...



Little Boy Lost



As the sun sets on the evening

and darkness crawls around

We are left to sit and wonder

about things we've lost and found.



The things we wish had come to be,

and those we pray had not,

Especially this Earthly tragedy

of the little boy lost.



Your sorrows, they were far too deep.

Your burdens, no one really knew.

You tried so hard to carry them,

But it got too hard for you.



Now we are left to ask the questions;

We wonder and we pray,

"Was there something I might have done?"

"Was it something I did not say?"



The "If only's" and "Why didn'ts"...

They won't get us very far.

They cloud all of our memories,

They deepen sorrow's scar.



Now we must go on without you,

The minutes seem like days.

Our hearts broken forever,

While our teardrops fall like rain.



But you are with our Savior now,

your troubles are no more,

Little boy, you are lost no longer,

You are safe at Heaven's door.



I love you baby, and 'I' struggle with the missing and ache in my heart for my "Little Lost Boy".

As always, and forever, Mommy.

October 25th

My dearest Christopher,



Today marks the nineth month of your flight to Heaven's Gate...souring free of the bonds of this side of the universe. It is yet another "annniversary", and bitter-sweet as the reality of your absence sets in a little deeper. We are moving forward...at least somewhat, as I know that is what you asked and wanted us to do. We are confident your spirit is singing with the angels amoung us.



Chris, I am grateful to have shared in your Life, I miss you. We miss you. I pray each morning and each night that your wounds are healed...have a comforting faith, that you are. And I look forward to seeing you again, on the "other" side and know deep in my heart, we will all be together again; your journey was short here on Earth, your spirit's impact on each of those you touched with your priceless love.



Our healing is still painfully slow, you will never be forgotten, for you live within the hearts of all of us. Please watch over us and help us as we move through our journeys. We are all learning "...a different dance" and the steps are so tentative and sometimes quite unbalanced, and that is when we turn to God for the comfort only He can give.



So as I bid you goodnight,and kiss your cheek in my memories, I once again feel as I did on your birthday, confused and feeling as if Life has gone backwards somehow. Stay near my baby, and touch my shoulder lightly,and warmly when I flounder and scramble to stand back up. Good night sweet one, God blessed each of our lives you touched and I will be forever grateful and humbled to have been chosen as your mother. I love you Chris...yesterday, tommorow, and today...please remember me and keep me close, in your heart and spirit as do I of you.



Loving you, missing you, always. Mom.



"He shall not grow old, as we that are left grow old: Age shall not weary him, nor the years condemn. At the going down of the sun, and in the morning. We will remember him."

Christo, my love,'



Just a Good Night and to say I love you, Tomorow, Clarke, Sarah, an I will be participating in the annnual Koman Race For thr cure for breast cancer...I will be walking-running in your memory as well,,,be there for me to help me thru it.

I love and miss you...Mom

My dear child,



We miss you so, and are struggling with the reality of your loss and its impact on our lives. I believe you are still "with us", yet the absence of your daily presence hurts like nothing I/we have ever felt.

I am furious that things ended this way...that you had to go to find some peace. I am wracked with anger, guilt, and frustration that I could'nt do more for you. I am chanting the serinity prayer constantly...praying that it will help me come to terms with all of this.

I think I may understand why...but ache so that I could not help you find another solution.

All of the plants we received for your funeral are still growing and alive, a tribute to you and Grandaddy, and the effort we have put into keeping them that way. We have the grow lite in the breakfast nook, and they cheer me when I see them.

May the lord keep you safe and sound, and may He help us thru this agony of your loss.

You are always in our thoughts, and hearts..and I pray you stay beside my shoulder to reassure me. I wear the St Christopher medal, the chrystal you bought for me on that school field trip to the dimond/chrystal place, and a cross that looks much like the ones you drew all the time. When it is not on, I feel lost, panicked...it brings me comfort remembering that day.

I am watching the videos you made, the songs etc. and am filled with sorrow when I hear the pain you were in. I know you are at peace now, and have joined all of "our family" of angels.

God be with you my lovey...and with us. Comfort us if/as only you can do.

I love you son, more than you could ever know. Mommy always and forever.

Chris,



Just a note before I say goodnite...In the words of Kahil Gibran,1883-1931,





"And ever has it been said that Love knows not it's own depth until

the hour of separation."



I love and cherish you, always.

Christo,



My emotions and thoughts have run rampent this past few weeks.

Son, I understand, I cannot say I know just where your heart, mind and soul were...I can only say that I understand the pain,,,the heartache...and the unending sense of exhaustion. I am so lost, so alone, and there are people all around me. Watch over me lovey...I love and miss you forever. Mom

Chris...I love you...and I ,miss you...



"This truth is like a sea that has no shore,

Chaos infinite in heart and mind:

That you should once have been, and are no more.

To me you are as lovely as before:

Your voice still sings of Life, your eyes still shine.

This truth is like a sea that has no shore,



An agony no reason can endure,

A knot of pain no passion can unbind:

That you should once have been and are no more.



You died, because of a pain and disquiet within,

That none of us could reach to sooth,

And somehow failed to see.

Our efforts were in vain...



You died because neither you nor we could cross the barrier of one thin line.

This truth is like a sea that has no shore.



That I cannot your battered head restore;

That all my love for you cannot turn time;

That you should once have been and are no more.



We are all on a death march, numb and raw,

Driven on as loved ones fall behind.

This truth is like a sea that has no shore:

That you should once have been, and are no more.

THE TRUTH IS LIKE A SEA THAT HAS NO SHORE.



Special days are still not special, because you are still gone.

Special days will still be special, because your memory is and will forever be woven into each and every one.



In loving memory of Chris, my youngest child and son;

I will love you forever, and miss you more....Mom

Christo...



As I sit here , staring at the blank space looking for words, I feel inundated with things I want to say, conversations I wish we had had, and words to let this anguish out.

Instead, I rely on words penned before me, feelings put into thoughts.



"God said...

I'll lend you, for a little while, a child of mine. It may be six or seven years, or twentytwo or three.

But will you, 'til I call him back, take care of him for me?

He'll bring his charms to gladden you, and shall his stay be brief,

You'll have his lovely memories as solace for your grief.

I cannot promise he will stay, as all from Earth return.

Yet there are lessons taught down there I want this child to learn.

I've looked the wide world over in my search for teachers true. And from the throngs that crowd Life's lanes, I have selected you.

Now will you give him all your love--not think the labor vain, nor hate me when I come to call him back again?

I fancied when I heard you say, Dear Lord, Thy will be done,

for all the joy this child shall bring, the risk of grief we'll run.

And should the angels call for him much sooner than we planned,

We'll brave the bitter grief that comes, and try to understand."



Chris, I believe we are each put forth on this place that we call Earth,

And 'tho I find it hard to believe, I still must accept you were here one moment and gone the next, because of His glorious plan.

I do not like it, and rebel against it, but know you are in good hands,

Just know I loved you here on Earth, and miss you more each day.



I am sad, and grieve so deeply the things I did not say or do, and hope with all of me you know,

that babe I Do Love You.



God Bless you my child, and bless us with your memory.

Chris, I miss you...and want you back with me. I know that is selfish...and I know you are finally at peace. So be with me as I face this new day; I am faltering, and I need and want your quiet strength.



Love you, miss you, and am looking foward to the day we meet again. Mom

My dearest Christo...

today is one of those crisp fall days, bright bluse skys, hint of chill in the air, and a clear indication that fall and cooler weather are just around the way.

I miss you, this was a special time for you...and last year, just at this moment, you were here, helping sort thru the daily grinds of our lives.

I knew you were troubled, and having a hard time...and tried to help...I only wish it had been enough, given you the will to keep fighting....

I am astounded when I think back, because it was just yesterday you were here. I miss you and ache for you. Hunting season and all that goes with it-the clothes, boots, and all the paraphanalia...it sits awaiting you, yet will never hold you...never protect you from the elments. I don't know how to live with out you Chris...I am struggling to find reasons to keep thrashing about and moving headfirst out into the world. You are my sunshine...you are my knight in shining armour...you are my baby--Man. Where are you? What happened? I miss you. Love Mom

Wishing you were here...and knowing you are within my heart...Goodnite Chris,as the stars shine above me, may you see their glow upon yourself.

Going thru some clothes today and came across that wore out pair of green kackies you would never quit wearing, even with the rips and tears...you would'nt even let me mend them, just tossed in a few more safety pins and kept on moving! So thats where all those pins went....I am mumbling, feeling a little more lost today. Feeling confused, and yet somehow understanding. Not making much sense, to even myself. Remember, I love you and wish you the peace you searched for. I love you honey...Goodnite, and visit me in my dreams...Starlite, starbright...

My angel, my Lovey, Christo...



Another 25th of the month has arrived, and it seems like it was so slow...yet is almost "yesterday". Chris, I will remember you,the day of your birth, the day of your death...and everything in between. I have accepted you were only "on loan" to us, and what you accomplished in your brief time here on Earth with us. Your soul and spirit remain within my heart.

It is so difficult to remember God's will, not mine. I feel such emptiness in my broken heart.

The 25th will be forever and always be a part of me, just as the day of your arrival.

I miss you...please reach down and guide me, give me the strength to continue on. You are always a part of what I do each day, and lately my world seems so inside out that I am having a difficult time keeping one foot ahead of another. I am so tired. I wonder if you felt like this, and suspect so, it just wore you down. I hope and trust you are free, and shine on as your soul flies high.

Chris, you impacted so many lives, and I am the better for it. Just don't forget me, Ok? I love you and miss you so. Love always, Mom

Chris, my love, my baby, my son....



I have been swamped with grief, felings of bitter loss, and total anger surrounding the circumstances of your death. This is the first time I have been able to give words to the nitemare I live each day and nite...the guilt I feel. I know on one level, what was to be, was to be. Yet there is this painful and overwhelming feeling that I did'nt do enough to save you...to help you get thru the grief and anguish you had to be feeling. I am sorry my son, that I could not and did not find someway to "save" you. I am sorry for the many times you were punished different. I will live the remainder of my life questining if I could have changed the journey...changed the outcome. I miss you so, and I pray nitely you are now at peace and safe. I look forward to the day whe we are together again...I know the remainder of the family will miss me also, but feel they are finally ready to stand on their own. My health will bring me soon to you...and without any interferance. I long for you, I love and miss you. And I cherish each and every moment we had here.

Keep watch over all of us...surround our soule with love. You are/and were such a blessed child. Vaya con dios mi amour! Mommy

Christopher Patrick



We chose your name carefully, and with thot...and also with the inner voice which leads us...we chose well. You loved "...all creatures great or small", and your soul was tender and knowing, with wisdom far beyond our earthly understanding. You were human...you were a young man who made self-destructive decisions, a teen who tested the waters of desires that held more trouble than peace, yet you also knew humbly the beauty of the world, and the wonder of the world free of the binds of Earth.



I am here at four-thirty, five or so in the AM...I have an "alarm clock " within which takes me back to that moning...the day you died...the day our lives were torn apart. It wakens me daily, sometimes persists and nudges me to rise, and I reconize and sometimes grudgingly accept the grace and faith God has shared with me since your deperture to peace and the release of your burden of pain and hurt. You were and continue to be a generous gift from Him, made such a large impact on our lives and in our hearts.



We have made it thru another month, the 25th rolling thru, somewhat quietly and yet often with a disquiet within; altho each one moves us further in the journey, and they are not the same as at first... it is painful holds a new awareness'of who and what we are and were. And who you were and are in our daily lives. We miss you babe,desperately.



The yearly family reunion was yesterday...Mike could not get off work; but Sarah, Clarke, Dad and I were there. We missed your being with us, in person, just as I KNEW you were there in spirit. I am still accepting and adjusting to that; and hopefully maybe it will ease with time. There are those who have walked this similar path that assure me the pain is never erased, or you forgotten...we learn to adjust...to survive and to move forward with time, with you in our hearts, mind and spirit. I am hanging on to that...help me Chris, when I weaken, when I stumble and fall on my face, please touch me with your gentle and comforting hand...remind me that we are just on different planes and will meet again soon.



Now to get to a subject that was dreaded in a large scope of ways: since your funeral we have not been able, or felt strong enough to come to the cementary and "visit" your grave. We have found, and looking into the stone for you...and that is a painful endeavor in itself...in some ways, the last thing we can "give" you. The one we have chosen is really beautiful, and designed with a matching bench... it would allow us to "visit" you, Grandaddy and Grandma Ruby...and Grandma Ludi and Grandma Hershel..."you" are next to them. We had to look into the width and dimensions before our decision. Daddy and I will someday be laid to rest there, but a little further up on the hill. We never really looked at or into all of this, and now recognize how important it is. Visiting your grave was painful and emotional...I think all of us were anxious about it. Yet once there, the acceptance is/was more comforting than hoped even...and we all felt, much as we all did when Grandaddy was laid to rest there that "you" were'nt there...your spirit is here "on the Glazy Peau" and with us everywhere and where ever we are; we carry you close to our hearts! You are always on our mind. A hurdle on this destination or journey of moving closer to the day we meet again, was not as difficult or painful as I feared...not that it was not filled with the sadness and pain of it being a reality; I cannot even begin to fathom as a possibility. I guess what I wanted to say is that we WERE there, we were able to put the flower arrangements from your services on your grave, and spend some time getting used to and appreciating your "new home", the one which is home to your Earthly form...and know without a doubt you would be happy to be there, next to Grandaddy, your "bestest pal.



The reunion had a wonderful turn-out...there were many people, and even family who were a "band"; I know you were with us in spirit. I imagined you sitting with them, playing your guitar, and singing. There are many of your extended family on Dad's side that spoke of you also. We went to Grandma Ludi's and Grandma Hershel...they have slowed much in their age...even have daily-weekly help in for the cooking and cleaning. And you know...that Ludi not cooking, shows that their age is finally making them slow down! None the less, we enjoyed the "historic" visit before the reunion and then again after, before we made our way towards home.

Slowly, we are working toward "living" life...and appreciating one another and ourselves with more awareness. It is an uphill battle and somedays, we are faced with two steps forward, one step back. Yet, going forward is the objective and it won't be EASY...but we have the stregnth of knowing God is holding us close, helping each of us as we struggle, and YOU are here too...For me, and the rest of the family, that is what sustains us, motivated us, and shows us daily the joy that this life has to offer.

My child...my baby...I ramble on...encompassed with and by the grace I have experienced in knowing and loving you. You, taught me so much...you completed my world...and I miss you deeply. The sadness I feel often wears me down to my hands and knees...your spirit lifts me up. I know not what will happen next, or even what each new moment will bring...yet I know I will and can somehow step up to it. You gave me that gift Chris...I am truly sorry that you paid that price...yet I know that was your destiny, your life. I hope I can honor your life in living mine as completely as possible.



Good day my son, and be with me as I walk on. I love you, and you are close in my heart.

Re-reading these posts, I find comfort, knowing you are all around Chris, even as you are "gone".

Yesterday, Tuesday, (a weekday still so very hard for me to make it thru), it rained, and washed the land, and skies...and my broken heart , if for only a moment.

Do you remember all of the times you wanted to, and most times did, even with my impatience, just walked in the rain? Looked up to the skies with joy and wonderment? Spashed in all the mud puddles you could find? And helped me experience Life anew thru your eyes?

You did so fill my heart with those moments, and I don't know if I told you often enough how grateful I was, I am for that.

I once again felt your joy yesterday, as Clarke spashed every puddle, saw the wonderment of the freshness, and I felt once again as if I was and could experience it again. You were holding his hand, splashing with him, delighting in the mere presence of "being" as he did so yesterday...I could almost see you, I know I felt you, and I thank you for encouraging both Clarke and I "...to stop and splash the puddles".

His clothes, shoes, etc., washed...but those feelings and the joy he felt, my joy in sharing it, can not and will not be erased by time or space.

Chris, Dad and I were sharing a "moment" yesterday, as both of us have been feeling so lost and sad the last few days again....we were listening to to "the rock" station, and many songs it seemed as if you were there, in the car, listening too.

You too, as Willie Nelson sang about his "baby", "...were an angel flying too close to the ground". Those words and thots often touched my heart as they touched my ears, and Dads as well, yet now touch our hearts and spirits so deeply and clearly.

I pray, and believe you are flying....soaring high now, my angel baby....and am grateful each moment you come and touch us on the shoulder, embrace us, and/or simply share the "wind beneath your wings" with us...I miss you son, I am grateful for each and every moment you shared with me/us here...and also for your now peaceful presence that surrounds us and enriches us...encourages us to embrace every moment....

God blesses us Chris, as always with you and your loving spirit...sometimes I want to thrash about and scream "it's not enough"...yet recognize it is far more than I could imagine or recognize before.

Thankyou Lovey for your continued embrace...and the gentle, fresh and life giving breezes you surround us with. Be here close Chris, we are missing you so.

I love you, I thankyou, and am grateful for your presence, never ending, never lost, within my heart and soul! In peace, and in missing you, Mom.

August,15, 2005



Chris,



Oh Chris...if only I could have helped you see and feel how very much we care, and value, and now, since you have been freed and flown to heaven, to peace and to eternal Life, miss you. Would you, could you have stayed?



Another B-day, mine this time, has past, and gone...and as all of these days, just was not and is not the same.

My heart and soul continue to grieve so deeply for you...for the terrible pain you were in, for not being able to "kiss it,

and make it better".

My refuge from this wrenching sorrow, my consulation, is knowing that the Lord holds you once again in His loving and peaceful arms, and I will one day hold and laugh with you again.

We miss you hon, and hope you know and can see that now.

I love you baby, always, and forever. Mommy.

For Chris, my baby, my lovey, my son.....



My Dearest Son



It has been a long time

Since I saw your smiling face,

I miss you so much

I can't leave this sad place.

I walk around everyday

Wondering what to do,

How do I go on living

When I am missing you?

You consume my every thought,

And I ache deep inside,

And although I am smiling

My pain it does'nt hide.

When you went away, you took a big part of me,

I am your mother

And I will always be.

We should'nt lose our children

It really is'nt fair.

No one understands this pain,

And I often feel no one cares.

You should still be here,

You should not be gone.

I miss you so very much,

My dearest, dearest Son.

I miss you Christophr Patrick, I always will.



Loing you, and aching for you, Mommy

Chris, my baby, my son, my angel forever...



We are fast approaching the "six month mark" of your leaving, and the numbness of it all is beginning to wear off a bit, leaving more raw pain and sadness you are not here among us.



The 15th of July...you would be fishing, swimming, hiking, and probably trying to stay in out of this heat as well. I miss you Chris. There are no fancy words or phrases to express the emptiness I feel, that I have found since you chose to go to a more peaceful and comforting place.

I do not fault you for that, only wish feverently that I could have helped you somehow find it here.



Your absence has left so much room for growth for all of us, spiritual as well as in general. Things you would have done here on the "farm" are now relegated to Dad, and me, sometimes Mike is able to pitch in, or Sarah, but they are busy with their jobs...Mike, back at Crystal Marina, sort of "managing", and Sarah now an active part in a growing and affluent real estate business. You would be/are proud of them, and happy to see they have "stepped up to the plate" as it were.



Dad and I are still struggling with all of the what if's, if onlys, and should haves" yet we are "struggling" so that is good, because it means we are working thru it, accepting the realities, and acknowledging that God called you, and you answered when the time was right. I am so grateful for your faith, and for mine...it sustains me when moments of grief flood over me and threaten to overcome me.



Clarke is growing so fast...he is now two, and showing all of the typical "two year old" behaviors...tho they are most often hilarious. He remembers you hon, and we talk about you all the time with him. Your "shelf", now shelves, on the pie safe have been collecting your "special" things...and one of them is an old white pickup from matchbox. He loves to look at all of it, and enjoys holding your truck, but always puts it back in "its" place 'til the next time. I imagine daily what you two would be doing...as I know you were and would be a large part of his life. I trust that you are guiding me, us, as we show him the wonders of our world...and pray you keep watch over him and gently enfold him in your heavenly love. I am attempting to relearn how to catch the crawdaddys, etc., that was always a big part of the summers you enjoyed here. I often feel you close, as if I only needed to reach out and touch you when on the creek...your spirit is here, among us.



Chris, it is hard to believe you've been gone so many months ago. My heart still aches with sadness, and my tears flow. What it meant to lose you, no one can ever fully know. I hold you close within my heart, and there you will remain...to walk with me throughout the remaining years or time of my life until we meet again. You were gone before I knew it, and only God knows why. I think of you in silence, and often speak your name; but all thats left to answer me is a picture in a frame. Countless times I think of you, and countless times I've cried. If love could have saved you, you surely never would have died. In life I loved you dearly...in death I love you still, and in my heart you have a place that no one could ever fill. It broke my heart to lose you...but you did not go alone...for part of me went with you the day God called you home.



My days are sad and lonely, but I often hear you whisper...cheer up, carry on, know that I am Home. And I will wait to see you soon, when God too, calls you home.



Chris, your Life was so very special...you touched so many, and I only hope today that you can see and know and realize what a special child of God you are.



I miss you son, and 'tho I know you are at peace, and finally in comfort, I long for you...only my mothers love helps to dampen that need, because I always wanted and want the best for you and faithfully believe you now have it.



God Bless you baby...and be close to us...let me know in little ways, you still walk with me...for I feel you in all the beauty around me.



Good nite Lovey, and keep watch as I lay my head to rest.



"Christopher, if there ever comes a day when we cannot be together, Keep me in your heart, for I'll stay there forever".



Loving and missing you, always, forever...Mom

(((((((Darling Chris)))))))



(Those are "cyber hugs")



I came across a "view" of your battle with depression the other day, and felt it so appropo.

I have'nt been here in a few days, altho I have wanted to be...just could'nt find the words that were in my heart. We have crossed yet more milestones...Clarke turned two on July 1st, we had a lake party, and he had a blast. We missed your presence...and you.

Also, the fourth of July came and went...Mike was out with friends watching and participating in the fireworks displays...but we kept a very low profile...it just does'nt feel like the holiday it once did.



So, here goes the "explanation" as you will, for the horrible disease which you fought so valiently....it has helped me put this in perspective, at least to a degree, and I know you would relate as it relates it to the battlefield.....



"Our friend and loved one died on his own battlefield. He was killed in action fighting a civil war. He fought against adversaries that were as real to him as his casket is real to us. They were powerful adversaries. They took toll of his energies and endurance. They exhausted the last vestiges of his courage and strength. At last, these adversaries overwhelmed him. And it appeared htat he lost the war. But did he? I see a host of victories that he has won! For one thing--he has won our admiration--because even if he lost the war, we give him credit for his bravery on the battlefield. And, we give him credit for the courage, and pride, and hope that he used as his weapons as long as he could. We shall remember not his death, but his daily victories gained through his kindness, and thoughtfulness, through his love for family and friends, for animals and books and music...for his poetry. For all things beautiful, lovely and honorable. We shall remember the many days he was victorious over overwhelming odds. We shall remember not the years we thought he had left, but the intensity with which he lived the years he had!

Only God knows what this child of His suffered in the silent skirmishes that took place in his soul. But our consolation is that God does know and understands."



God Blessed us Chris, with you here on Earth, and has blessed us with you there, as our gaurdian angel. I miss you so.....there is not a minute that goes by, a sight that does not trigger a fond memory, a time which finds you absent from my mind and heart and soul....I find peace only in knowing you are there, at peace, and finally happy with yourself and "Life".



I do not like getting through these "special dates"....it is so tough not having you here to impact the day, the occasion. I take my faith then, and climb on, hold on, and pray to God, and to you that I will walk through it, if not graceful, at least in honor of your life.

Please remember my lovey, our lives will never be the same...and you are still an important part in them, always will be.

God Bless you, and loving you....Mom

June 25, 2005



Another milestonne, five months ago you left us Chris, at least in body, for a place you could find peace, and comfort for your soul. It is not an easy day, by any means, yet today I have pledged to honor you and the memory of you doing things I know you would have been doing, or would have been proud and happy about.

I visited "our secret place" early this am, much as I do each morning, and found comfort in knowing you are here, gently holding me up. I miss you my baby...so much.



Fireworks are out and I know you would be so excited by now to have them, and be using them...it was one of your favorite times. I will light one or two for you, as will all of the other "fireworks nuts" in the family.



I have been keeping myself busy, cleaning and playing with Clarke...you,, we, are so proud of him, he is such a joy. I also am "acting as if" what I know and feel you would want. It is difficult not to count the minutes and hours...to replay that day in my mind and heart, but I am working at honoring your Life here on Earth, as well as your Heavenly Life there with God.



Please be at my side, today, as always, and help me thru the pain of not having you here next to me. God Bless you. I love you, miss you, and yearn for you, Mommy

June 19th...



Chris, today is Fathers Day...and somehow, just not. At least it seems so wrong, without you here to give Dad a big old hug...he misses so desperately your hugs...he treasures them, in his memories, as do I. Today will not be the same, without you to join and celebrate "Dads" day, so please be close to him...hold him tight with your Heavenly hugs, and know that we...he misses you so very much,. God Bless you child, baby of ours...Love Mom, and Dad.

Good nite, my lovey, know that we are all missing you greatly and wish you were here with us...faith is the only thing carrying us thru right now, and I am grateful for that. I wanted to kiss you good nite, tuck you in, see you safely in bed tonite...I know you are, but not as I selfishly want you to be. Hold us close Lovey, and be with us in our dreams tonite, Missing you so desperately...Love Mommy

Chris, my angel...



Yesterday was filled with you. Each of us missing you greatly, sharing memories, and just plain wishing you were here.

Jake was over, and we shared stories of the two of you and your jaunts thru the creek and forrests. Evan and Gary came over in the evening, helped put a window airconditoner in the breakfast nook, (the central is finally worn out). And Mike and I remaninced about some of "ya'lls experiences. He sprained his hand pretty badly trying to keep a boat from slamming the the dock. We went and checked it iwth Doctor Robert, he mentioned too that he misses you,remembers when you were born! Keep watch over us today Lovey, holding you close tome...today, tomorrow, and yesterday, love Mom

Christo, I miss you so... Today is one of those days that you would be busy tinkering with this and that, mowing, or something. Went into your room, and just the smell of you comforts me. Love you child and really miss your presence. I am happy for you 'cause I know you are at peace, yet I hurt knowing that I cannot call for you, cannot ask what you want for dinner...not even scold you for "snacking" too soon. Oh I wish so that you could have held on to this world, and those of us in it, tight enough to still be here, yet know at the same time, all in Gods will. God Bless you babe, and know I am missing you ...thinking of you....and as always, loving you. Mom

Chris, my baby, my angel...



You're still here

at the level of my being...

you are still with me.

We still look at each other...

on a level beyond sight.

We talk and laugh with each other...

on a level beyond words.

We still touch each other...

on a level beond touch.

We share time together in a place,

where Time stands still.

We are still together...

on a level called LOVE.

But I cry lonely for you...

In a place called Earth.

I love you Chris.

I miss you so....Mom

Dearest baby Chris...11:08..June, 8, 1987...you have arrived, healthy, beautiful,a wondorous blessing to our lives...

I celebrate your Life,here with me, and there, with God. I miss you, I love you, I painfully wish you were here. God Bless you child, and us as we stuggle through this day, not knowing how to "go backwards"...but knowing you are Iin a Life Eternal now, and at peace. Love you, today, yesterday, and forever...I'll never not remember you...Mommy

Chris,baby,

June 7,2005...countdown...today I am remembering the same day 18 yrs ago...being admitted to the hopital, readying myself for your first cry, your face, YOU...today I am wondering how to go about the same hours, but backwards somehow...God will have to carry me, I surely cannot do or face this alone...I ask "Why"? and find no answer...not here anyway. God Bless you child, and all of you left behind...Loving you and missing you fiercely...Mommy

Christopher, my baby, my son, my angel....



Today, June 6th, dawned bright and clear, yet my heart feels heavy, my mind gray and cloudy, my eyes and soul brimming with tears. I miss your sweet face and physical presence. I am growing accustomed to knowing that although you are'nt "here", you ARE still here, in my heart, on my mind and all around us; learning to process the reality of your spirit surrounding me with Heavenly Hugs, rather than the warmth of your strong and loving arms. That is tough sometimes, and I guess will always be in some ways.

Dad, Clarke and I went on the Caddo Float...it was a "wild" ride, filled with challenges of negociating the rocks, the overhanging limbs, and even the peaceful and quiet parts of the river, where we paddled, and enjoyed the beauty of Nature around us. There were many bittersweet memories for both Dad and I...his being a firsthand look back on last year, with you at the "helm" and he in the back...sharing stories of your ride together ...as he shared the experience in the present with Clarke and I. I felt awed at times, knowing we were re-tracing spaces you filled just a year ago. I felt close to you, and imagined your thoughts and feelings as you traversed the similar path. Dad and I shared many tears as well as smiles; knowing that you will "...never walk this way again"; only with us in spirit.

We did well...missing the clearest routes some times, getting stuck, going backwards, me even loosing my paddle at one point as we traveled under some large and low hanging limbs that threatened to toss me out if I did'nt let go, lay back, and go with the flow of the rapid waters. As I replay the trip in my mind and in my heart I see many parallels between the journey along the river and the journey we are now attempting to take as we "paddle on through the rapids of Life" without you here next to us, in the flesh, where we can see and touch you as you move along with us. That is where our faith is carrying us, much as did mine as I let go of the paddle in one of the more difficult and frustrating parts of the "ride". Believing in, knowing that you are now at peace to move slowly, gradually and comfortably along the quiet and more gentle parts of the "river" of Life is what is sustaining all of us, Sarah and Mike each following their path on the "ride".

Dad askes that I include that we encountered the same rock, or challenge, as you and he did when you traveled along the Caddo, and he was able to be "in that moment" for the moment with you, just as if you were there. He misses you Chris, with an intensity. This trip was in a big part for him a tribute, an honor, to you and your "coming of age", we wanted to celebrate your 18th birthday on this trip...and did, just not as we expected or in all honesty, as we prefered to. Christopher, eighteen years ago today, we were eagarly anticipating, all preparing for your entry into this world as we know it...this family. And as we rejoiced in your birth, we are now praying, hoping, faithfully knowing, that you are in the hands of God and the angels gone before you...and we look forward to someday joining you in peaceful soaring over the river, floating calmly upon it.



My dearest Chris, I ramble on, much as the rivers do...just know my Lovey, as your spirit soars, so does it flow within us. We miss you...I miss you...I love you. Thank you for sharing in and around us and our "river float". Always, forever, and today...loving you...Mom.

My darling son, Chris,

Today is Friday, June 3rd., and the beginning of the second annual weekend float trip of the Caddo; memories of the first one, with you there with us, are flooding our memories today, filling our hearts with both happiness and sadness...the happy times we had, and the sadness we feel that you will not be with us this time. I know you will be there in spirit, and that is, will have to be enough. Please be with us as we journey foward, and into the rushing waters, of the river, of the feelings of emptiness of your beautiful being. Keep us both safe and comforted...we are attending in memory of you as much as for ourselves. I miss you so much baby, and am grateful you have found peace of heart, mind, body and soul. God Bless you child, God Bless us this weekend...Loving you always, missing you always, Mommy.

My darling baby boy, I just want to say GoodNite, SleepTite..and I love and miss you terribly. It has been a rough day today...not sure why, but then it does'nt matter, they all are, because you are'nt here with us. Daddy and I saw the Hawk today on our way to church, and it lightened our spirits a bit, knowing you are flying free as you always wished to be. We love you son, and will forever miss your presence, the impact you had on our lives. We are still trying to learn to live with the emptiness of the place you carried in our hearts and family...maybe someday, it will come. I love you baby, and hope you are happy and at peace as you so desperately needed. God Bless you , "yondered out there on the greenfield". Love, and good nite my sweet...Love always, Mommy.

May 25th,2005

My dearest son, Christopher,

Today is yet another "anniversary" of sorts...four months ago you left this place for one you far more deserved. I have, since you left pondered, read, and discussed with many people the realm of "Heaven". And Dr. Jon shared yesterday with me from a book he is reading how heaven is only a "next step", how everything you were, everything you did, you still are, but are reaching all the sucesses you so rightly deserved here on Earth. That comforted me so, and reaffirmed that your purpose both here and where you have gone, are met. I cannot say I don't miss you. I cannot say I don't weep at the very thought of you. But I think I am learning, so slowly, to be grateful you have found peace and are where you chose to be. Your birthday looms close, and I think we are going to celebrate it here, with a huge bonfire (ya know, all those tress, and limbs we have piled up) with your friends, family and neighbors. It will be an all-nite thing, with food, and cake, and you in our hearts and memories. We will CELEBRATE your Life Chris, and what you shared with each of us. Please be with us in enerst then, maybe show us someow you see or here or feel.... Nevertheless, we will be there. Just recently picked up pictures of Clarkes 1st Birthday. and was happily surprised to find

one with the cake you asked for, the cross you had asked me to make, with Mike lighting the candles. Don't know if there are more, but hope so. As all of your pictures, this is a treasured one.



We have also found the stone we will put on your grave, and I know you will and would have approved. It is a green marble, deep green, and in the shape of a tear drop, or fish, as others in the family think, in addition, it comes with a lovely bench that is in the same green, and somewhat asymetrical underneath...I know you would like it. It may take a while for us to get it all together, but we have'nt forgotton you lovey,,,don'nt ever think that.



I am proud of the son you are, you were and will always be. God Bless You and hold you in his loving arms. Mommy, forever, and always your friend. Mom

To the folks at Gross, who have held us up in prayer and support,



This is a note to tell you how much I appreciate being able to come to this site and "communiate" with my baby. I don't know what I would do without it.



Your sensitivity and caring have been so comforting...more than you can know. Again, thankyou and God speed to all of you. your friend, and "client", Barb Elmore

Good Morning Chris,

This is one of those pre-summer days....not quite summer, but not quite Spring. You loved this time. I will enjoy it for you, by proxy one might say.

We miss you deeply and are having a hard time with the emptyness your absense has left in our hearts. But still, want to let you know, we are thinking and praying for you more intensely today, something about the freshness of the new day.

Be with each of us today, guide us, and kep us safe. I love you Chris, today and always. "Til later then...Love Mom