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Christopher Nicoll Obituary
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Memories and Condolences
for Christopher Nicoll
Sponsored by MAry Nicoll.
Christopher John Nicoll
Mary Nicoll
December 3, 2010
I wish Heaven had a phone, so I could hear your voice again. I thought of you today, but that was nothing new. I thought about you yesterday & days before that too. I think of you in silence, and often speak your name. All I have are memories and your picture in a frame
Mary Nicoll
November 28, 2010
Husband:
I don't know that I have ever missed anyone so much in my life as I do right now for you. No one has ever or will ever meet the high standards you set. I miss my family so much. My two favorite men in the world are missing from my life. I know you are at peace now, however that doesn't diminish the feeling of loss my heart feels and the loneliness. No one can fill the void. I've tried to fill it, but nothing seems to work. I just want to talk to you or see you in my dreams. I have been looking at your pictures, poems and listening to your music, yet I have been struggling with finding the happiness you would want me to have. I love you to the end of time. No one can ever replace you in my heart. Some say it is time to move on, you would want me to be happy, I am trying but it seems impossible and unrealistic, you have my heart forever. I still feel like I am living in this dream world that you will walk in the house one day and say Honey I'm home. The pain doesn't seem to go away. Sometimes it intensifies to the point where I feel like I can't breath. I relive our life all the time looking at happy moments, but nothing seems to make me happy. You were right when you told me You would love me till the end of your life. I feel the same way. I love you till the end of mine.
Lovingly, Your wife.
The Doctor
January 13, 2010
Hello Senator. I cannot believe it has been a year since your departure on your voyage to the far shores. I had a boat ticket to Avalon to come visit you on January 6th; however, dad ended up in the hospital at 4 AM that morning so the rest of the day was taken up. Once of these days I will make it over for one of your anniversaries. My son asks when you are coming to play with him. He remembers the model airplane you gave him for his birthday and you climbing the tree to retrieve it in the park. I am not ready to explain the concept of ‘gone forever’ to a 5 year old. I am still pissed at you for depriving me of your wit, humor and intellect in the years to come. If that is selfish - so be it. Some of the happiest times of my life were spent in our discussions (sometimes all night while wearing tuxedos and savoring life’s gastronomic pleasures) of politics, religion, law and life in general. We spent our halcyon days of youth together Gatsby style (albeit without the estate or unlimited funds) and I treasure those memories. Our old haunt, The Royal Hawaiian, is gone too (at least in spirit as the new owner has changed the decor and the Lapu Lapu’s don’t taste the same anymore). I ran into one of the old bartenders the other day and he got me the old recipe. We are now making original Lapu Lapu’s at home and toasting to the charcoal drawing of the restaurant signed by all of the old staff that you and Mary gave me many years ago. It is still hanging over the fireplace in our bedroom. We can see your resting place from our house in Laguna so you are always in our thoughts. Whenever we take our boat out I always seem to catch a glimpse of you sailing over the horizon. I trust you have found a calm anchorage in a beautiful bay on that far shore.
The Doctor.
Mary Nicoll
January 12, 2010
My dearest Husband: It has been one year since you left my side. I can honestly say it has been a tragedy for me and all who knew you. I am not sure what the future holds for me, but my world was a much better place with you in it. I am sorry to say goodbye, but it appears to be time. As I write this I am full of tears and sadness. Mourning is a lonely place. I will always miss and need your presence in my life. I realize all my dreams will never be complete. My dreams always included you. You are always in my heart. There is not a day that goes by that I don't think of you and miss you. I love you forever. Babs
Mary Nicoll
December 28, 2009
Hello my love: Its coming to the end of the year which marks your one year anniversary on Jan 6. On christmas eve you gave me a beautiful gift via a dream. In the dream you gifted me my one and only wish in the world. My world was complete. You said to me, "See honey I told you I would always give you your dreams." Even though it was in a dream You always kept your word and I thank you. I don't know how to move on, but I am trying to resocialize myself. In the month of December I actually went out without my father. It is so new to me. I tried to see you on Christmas but the helicopter company decided to take the week off without canceling my reservation. I will be there on
Jan 6, for your anniversary. I don't want you or I to be alone that day.
I love you my sweet husband.
Babycakes
Mary Nicoll
July 2, 2009
07/03/2009
My Dearest Husband:
Happy 50th Birthday. Happy Anniversary. I never new I would be telling you this in a letter. Let alone laid on your grave. You were too young to go to the heavens. I hope and pray you are happier and healthier than you were on earth. I know I have never been happier than with you in my life. I am not sure what the future holds for me but I know the ultimate happiness I have shared with you will no longer exist. I love you forever my sweet husband and will miss you and feel your loss forever. No one will ever be able to replace all the love, laughter, and joy you have given me. For all 18 years of love, kindness and understanding I thank you. You were and are my one true love and soul mate. Sail swiftly into the mystic my darling. I love you always and and always will.
Love Forever,
Your Wife
Mary Nicoll
May 22, 2009
Dear Chris:
Your birthday is in a month and I am going over to the island for the night. The spencers are also going. I finally got the marker completed and ordered. It better be installed. It took a long time and much thought for me to do this because it is your legacy. I wonder what you would have done for me. I chose a poem you wrote to me when my mother passed and added a color picture of you to it. It is very simple and elegant. It doesn't have any frilly stuff around. It is in bronze. I have always been questioning the location, but in my research of locations near home everything was so large and I felt you would be just one of the masses. The island is so quaint and personal. My hope is you would feel at home on an island. As we both know someday many many years from now the island won't be there any more and as the poem goes" THE SEA IS A MASTER AND THE LESSON WE LEARN IS FROM THE SEA WE COME AND TO THE SEA WE MUST RETURN". I know this is what you would have wanted, being the sailor is in your blood. As someone we both know told you before you proposed to me, you marry the family as well. You were buried next to my grandparents who adored you. The best people I know are with you now. My mother, grandparents, sister and Joe Milligan are right there with you waiting for the day to return to the sea with you. God has your soul for eternity. Accepting Jesus as your Savior was the grandest thing you have ever done. You will be blessed forever. You were a tough nut to crack, but in the end you relinquished everything and did the right thing for you. I am so happy for you. Your family, father, grandparents, uncle Vance, and other family members are all with you. I only wish I had more time with you on this earth. I wish I was with you now. I don't know how to live without you. Your unconditional love for me was amazing. I hope I brought you happiness in your short life here. I love you my sweet Christopher.
I will see you soon on the island.
Lovingly
Your wife
Mary Nicoll
May 11, 2009
Dear Chris:
It's been a while since I have written, I'm sorry about that. We cooked chili on saturday. WE WON RED CHILI 1st place. What a shock. I didn't like our chili at all. It was a real hard day for me without you. I miss you so much at these events. It had become some a large part of our lives while taking care of dad. I have anxiety attacks the night before and especially on the drive out to the events. I cry all the way to the site. every time. I really miss you at them. I find it is especially sad because I realized you used to live at dads house for 7 months and now I cry there at night as well. I miss you honey so much. Some things really trigger this feeling while others distract me. I don't know what to do. I have no idea what the future holds for me. Sadness comes to mind, I can't imagine my future without you in it. I don't even want to think about that. I love and miss you. I replay your last day at the hospital and it tears me up inside. I wonder if I did everything I could have or should have to keep you with me longer. You were in so much pain I don't know what I should have done. I still wonder if you knew you were sick. The hole in my heart is so large nothing will ever fill it. No one can understand the loss I am feeling if they haven't gone through it before. You were so young. You are my life and I have lost you forever. You are my heart. I miss you love. I will write again soon. love Babs
Mary Nicoll
May 5, 2009
My love:
I am so lost with out you. When I'm at your house it feels so wrong. This house is you. This was your home. I see you every where. I haven't sat in your chair yet. Your picture is there in place of where you sit. I'm trying to take care of your business stuff. It is so overwhelming. But it is a job that eventually needs to be done. My life will never be the same without you in it. So I just continue doing what I always have done. Some days are so hard and others a nightmare. I don't know what to do. My heart hurts yet my job always gets in the way. I love you and miss you . I do not wish this on anyone. It is so unbearable at times i want to hide and join you. I haven't quit smoking yet like I promised you. I'm sorry. You are my world. I look at you everyday. I'm struggling with good memories only my faults are at the serface. I wish so many things could have been different. I wish I did things differently in so many areas. I want a do over. I wish so many things, but none will come true. You are the only wish for me. I love you. Look out for me will you please. I need you more than ever.
wife
Mary Nicoll
April 20, 2009
Hi honey:
Well I think I have gotten your grave marker finished. Sorry it took so long. I'm lonely. miss you. Speachless. I have nothing to say to anyone. Although at the dinner with your family I talkeds alot. I think its because I wa nervous and had an adult to communicate with. I don't get to your house very much because susan is on the island alot. so no grieving. Just lonelyness and crying, and sadness. I keep feeling this is a bad joke and I can call you or go across the street to you, but your never there. Only sadness. regret for not taking better care of you or missing your illness. my priorities were wrong. I should have been stronger and lived with you instead of my father. For that I lost you forever. I will carry that with me always. I love you honey and will write again soon. I hope your being taken care of and better now. I hope to join you. Ilove God he will guide me. I feel like I'm not a bad person, I think of others, took care of my mom when she was dying, now my dad. why would I not see any signs of you being so sick. and yet why would he saddle me with this emptiness without you forever. I don't get it. guide me my love
Wife
Mary Nicoll
April 13, 2009
Hi honey:
I'm struggling with your loss. they say life goes on but for me it does not. I feel lonely and dead inside. Please help me. I love you.
Babs
Mary Nicoll
April 8, 2009
HI honey:
How are you. Me? not so good. I'm going to Pasadena for dinner to see your mom, Aunt Mary, Mark & Terri on Friday. I haven't seen them since your burial. It will be hard, but I have some items for them. I miss you and feel so dead inside. I went to a chili cook off and everyone was going out of there way to talk to me. It was hard. Dad refused to get out of bed. So The nurse came over and I went to Bakersfield. It was so lonely and depressing without you. I am really struggling on what to put on your grave marker. It will be the last thing for you I can do. I will do my best to do you justice. I think I am going to put one of your poems you wrote to me. Waters to Waters. It is your legacy being you are a wonderful writer. The content seems appropriate to death since you wrote it after my mom died. I don't know, what are your thoughts? I love you honey. Easter is this Sunday. I'll pray for you. I hope things are what you expected and wished for. This tragedy is not what I wished for. But life never is for me . I was blessed to have you in my life as long as I did. I guess that was and is my only great achievement. I miss you and love you for eternity.
Mary
Mary Nicoll
April 1, 2009
Hi Honey:
I'm sorry I have not written but I've been really lost. I feel dead inside. not much to report. I have isolated myself from everyone. It is too hard to talk to people. I'm indiferent to everything. I still talk to you and cry, but I don't care about anything. Life isn't supposed to be like this. We made plans together. I need to go through your office and clean it out, but it is so overwhelming. I want you here with me. God needs to help me. But in a way that I can handle. I dreamt about Bill Maher last night. You were on his show. I watched it on Friday for you. I can't seem to watch the same shows we used to watch together yet. I'm trying to cope but it's hard. Sometimes too hard. I love you and miss you. All my love Your wife
Mary Nicoll
March 23, 2009
Hi honey:
I miss you . I'm dreaming alot about you. I wake up crying in the middle of the night. I talk to you every night. I just wish you could respond to me. I'm sure you are in your own way. I love you honey. I write more later
Mary Nicoll
March 20, 2009
Hi honey:
Another day has gone bye without you here with me. It is a terrible and unfair tragedy that has occured. I feel dead inside.. I found in your wallet this poem I wrote to you many years ago.
May all the stars in the heavens shine as bright in your heart as they do in the sky as we venture into the future together.
I didn't know you kept that small piece of paper that I wrote in on. You were really a wonderfully sweet man. I was very lucky to have known you and blessed to be married to you. I will never get over you or forget you.
I love and miss you every day more and more.
Wife
Mary Nicoll
March 19, 2009
Hi loveToday is the day we went on our first date together. It was a glorious date. We went the thr Ritz restruant with Mark & Fran. We danced kissed on the dance floor. I was mesmerized with you. We found our first song Sail into the mystic by Van Morrison that night. How two people could know and love the same song. I was so glad the cassette was in my radio player. Happy anniversary my love. I miss you and want you here with me in this world. I hope your sailing your heart out up there. I love you
Babs
Mary Nicoll
March 17, 2009
Hi love:
Today is the day we first met 18 years ago.
I can't believe that you are not here. Its going to be a hard day. But I am very thankful for you being in my life. I was a better person for knowing you. Happy anniversary honey. we had our first date on the 19th, In two days. Wow. time dies not fly when your not with me. I love you. You are and willbe the love of my life forever.
Love
Mary
MAry Nicoll
March 16, 2009
Tough weekend dear without you. Dad won green and 2nd in red 3rd in salsa. I cried alot. Some people say I am just emotionally up and down. I don't know what to say I'm a wreck. No one will ever understand what I am going through . I lost my cousin in December while you were in Hospital then you died and now taking care of dad. So I will not talk to anyone about it any more because they will not understand. People expect too much from me Family and friends move on and leave the dying behind. to be dealt with alone to the widower. They try but no one will ever understand until they walk a mile in my shoes. I love you and many of your friends said they missed you as well.
you wife
Mary Nicoll
March 12, 2009
Hi honey:
Were off to cook chili tomorrow. I really don't want to go. I need you there with me. It will be my first outing without you. I am shaking while writing this. I'm scared and miss you. I love you babycakes. Love Babs
Mary Nicoll
March 11, 2009
Hi honey:
Well I'm preparing to go to arizona today. I went to the grocery store to get Soda Pop and saw the Diet Mountain Dew and just broke out crying. Then I went home to dice vegtables and started to cry. This is too hard. Its not right that you are not here. I miss you so much every day Chris. I don't know how to handle it. I can't keep dad at home forever but I'm not ready yet. It's only been 65 days, I'm a wreck. I misss you and love you. I need you here with me. This is not how life was supposed to go for us. I love you
Wife
Mary Nicoll
March 9, 2009
Hi honey:
Were getting ready to go to Arizona this weekend. I have mixed feelings. Dad hasn't gone anywhere since December and he'e really bored. i don't really want to go at all. Everyone is telling me to get out there. No one understands. If we go we will drive up with Don. I miss and need you here with me. It's been 63 days since you left me and I am no better than that day. I love you. Mary
Mary Nicoll
March 7, 2009
Hi love:
I spoke to a friend of Cindi's today named Sandra. She called on behalf of Cindi. She seemed lovely. Very caring. I told her of your journey and promised to send her the memories from your time together. I know it has to be hard on Cindi. I wish for her a easy road. You are not an easy person to forget.The love you gave to everyone was always pure and everlasting. She deserves to have those memories with her so she can heal. I hope it is easier for her than me because she has another family now. I hope she's happy because I know you always wanted happiness for her. We discussed it many times. You always loved her. I will say a prayer for her tonight in your honor. I miss you and love you.
Your wife
Mary Nicoll
March 6, 2009
Hi honey:
I don't know what to do. I'm misssing you so much today. I just want to lay down next to you and hold you. I was at your house last night. This was a big struggle. I miss you and love you. I write more later this is too hard. Love babs
MAry Nicoll
March 4, 2009
Hi honey:
One more day without you. Its not pretty. Just a note to tell you that I love you. Tinas Birthday today. I hope she has a lovely day. Her mom is still sick, but getting better. I pray to you every night. I hope your hearing me. Love mary
Mary Nicoll
March 3, 2009
Hi love:
Its been a hard week. I wonder what you would be doing in my situation? Please let me know somehow. I need your guidance Ilove you
Mary
MAry Nicoll
February 28, 2009
Hi honey:
Well another day has gone bye without you. This is so wrong. I don't know how to live without you. Life has no meaning for me right now. Everyone is back to business as usual. Not me. I am lonely sad, so many emotions. No outlet. I'm isolating myself. I have no desire to do anything. Things are piling up I can't seem to go through anything at your house. I'm losong feeling. I pray for probably for the wrong things. I need help. Thanks honey for listening. I love you
Mary Nicoll
February 27, 2009
Hi Honey:
ell I'm getting ready to go to bed now. Dad had numerous doctor appts today. Things are up in the air right now with him. I miss you and feel dead inside. I'm just going through the motions of life right now. Alowing one day to blend into the next. Crying alot. Frankly I don't know what else to do. My loss of you is so great, the hole is so large, I couldn't imagine anything filling it up or wanting anything to. I'm dead inside. there is no life left. I feel no hope or see any light at the end of the dark tunnel. I only see more darkness. Pray for me my angel, I need you more now than ever. I love you.
WIFE
Mary Nicoll
February 26, 2009
Hi honey:
I am at a loss today. I don't know what to do or say to anyone. I ignore all calls. I am lonely and full of sadness. I don't know how to cope with the great loss you have left in my heart. I cry to your pictures daily. I am totally lost and without desire to do anything. I just want you back with me. This thought consumes me. What could I have done for you that I didn't do. Did I mess up? Did I let the doctors let you go when I shouldn't have. I didn't see any other way for you. I am sorry I should have had more strength. I love you. Mary
Mary Nicoll
February 25, 2009
Ho love:
Ina Came by today. I had already explained to her of your passing. I am now her project. I enjoy her pamplets but struggle in talking to her about the bible. She was your saving grace. I wish I had grace. I wish I could believe stronger. But I am weak. I get angry, sad, lonely, all the usual suspects. But I struggle with never seeing you or talking to you again. You are every breath i take and my life. I adore you. I miss you to an extent I never thought was imaginable. I don't want to do anything. I have a slew of new doctor appts. for dad and his new problems. I think its too much for me in my condition. Help me cope my love, this is what you always did, give me strength.
Love Mary
Mary Nicoll
February 24, 2009
Hi honey:
Well, I spent the day at our favorite hospital with my dad today. I had to call 911 becaue he couldn't walk on his left side. After all day testing he didn't have a broken hip but they need him to go to the doctor to have abody scan because they think his prostate cancer has been spreading. What a day. This is too much for me to handle. I need your strength and guidance. I'm so scared. I am so lonely without you. It was a nightmare being at the same place you just died. It's like reliving it all over again. The same pastor was in the Er and Spoke to me. I'm lost and miss and need you. Help me honey. I know its possible I am just struggling with faith. Lonliness is so horrible. I'm sorry If I ever made you feel lonely.
I love you
Your wife
Mary Nicoll
February 23, 2009
Death, be not proud
Death, be not proud, though some have called thee
Mighty and dreadful, for thou art not so;
For those whom thou think'st thou dost overthrow
Die not, poor Death, nor yet canst thou kill me.
From rest and sleep, which but thy pictures be,
Much pleasure; then from thee much more must flow,
And soonest our best men with thee do go,
Rest of their bones, and soul's delivery.
Thou art slave to fate, chance, kings, and desperate men,
And dost with poison, war, and sickness dwell,
And poppy or charms can make us sleep as well
And better than thy stroke; why swell'st thou then?
One short sleep past, we wake eternally
And death shall be no more; Death, thou shalt die.
By John Donne
The Poetry Foundation
Mary Nicoll
February 21, 2009
Hi honey:
Tonight is Dinner with the family for Irma's and Tina's Birthday. I wish you were going. I am very sad today. I wish you well and hope where you are at is a much better place than here. Love to you always
Mary
Mary Nicoll
February 20, 2009
Hi love:
I'm at your house and it is so lonely here without you. I am always sad. The house in its condition is so overwhelming. I need to start going through things and I can't. I am going to make a memorial blanket of you. I miss you. I feel so empty inside. I want you here with me. But I know this is what it is. I want to remember all the good times but I'm in lala land all the time. Reality is not very pretty right now. I'm scared. You have always been the one to give me comfort and security emotionally, I don't feel I have that any more.I have a better understanding of your mind set being in this house alone. It is so sad. I am truly sorry if I let you down in life. I love and adore you,
Your wife for eternity.
New Orleans 2008
Mary Nicoll
February 19, 2009
Hi love:
S.D. wasn't any fun. Janet went with me. i don't think I'll be going back. the people I didn't seem to like at the meeting. I can find ordinary people here. I miss you. things are a mess. Going through things WOW. Its no wonder you were in the condition that you were in Well I guess it's my turn to go through it. I just wish you had told me. I love you Here we are in New Orleans on a happier day.
Mary Nicoll
February 18, 2009
Hi love"
I write every day but somehow they lose some things. The oicture if iur trip to stinington went with an entry. But its not there yet. Anyway, Janet is going to a greiving group with me in San diego today. We willbe back tomorrow. I eed all the luck you can muster up for me. I'm glad to be getting away for the night. I wish it wasn't for the reason that it is. I want you here with me. Jesus better be taking care of you because this is his last chance with me. I don't mean to give an ultimatium but I haven't had the happiest of lives except when you were apart of it. I don't see any light at the end of the tunnel. I am certain it is too soon, but come on already. I have been of good service to my parents, taking care of them when they needed it. I believe it was at the cost of your life. I made the choice without asking you. How selfish is that. I am so sorry for your loss. I take full responsiblity for it. I love you and ask jesus to help me please.
wife
Our trip to stonington
February 17, 2009
Mary Nicoll
February 17, 2009
My dearest sweetheart.
It has been 40 days exactly to the minute when you left me. I would settle for one last phone call. Life will never be the same without you in it. The deep hole in my heart grows larger every day. Things do not get easier as everyone keeps saying. My loss feels stronger than ever. This just is a big joke Right? I can't live without you. I don't want to live without you. I do not see any light at the end of the tunnel. People are asking me about going to chili cook offs, I don't want to do that. Its hard enough to miss you and deal with our friends. I love you this is too hard right now to talk to you. babs
MAry Nicoll
February 16, 2009
Hi honey:
You are in a better place than I am. I wish I were there with you. I am not coping very well. Very lonely. Every day I look out the window of dads kitchen and want to run over and see you. I wait for the blinds to open to know your awake. I miss that. I miss you and I am trying but its just not going very well. I think it will be a very very long time before I have any interest in doing anything at all. I love you my husband.
your wife
Christopher John Palmer Nicoll new home
Mary Nicoll
February 14, 2009
My lovely Valentine
Happy Valentines day. I know I could never express in words how deep our love for each other is. You know how much I miss you. You were always the one to be able to expres love and your feelings properly and with class at any occasion. So I choose to use your words that you wrote me on 2/14/1994. I hope you don't mind.
LOVE IS MARY KATHRYN
Love is ephemeral, eternal and paradoxical
Love is incomprehensible, comestible and insatiable
Live is inimitable, instinctual and existential
Love is exotic, erotic, and Quixotic
Love is euphoric, metaphoric and metamorphic
Love is surrealistic, altruistic and alchemistic
Love is mystifying, purifying and paralyzing
Love is intoxicating, intimidating and penetrating
Love is rationalizing, mesmerizing and terriffying
Love is sensuous, ravenous and euphonious
Love is ubiquitious, serendipitious and incongruous
Love is generous, sagacious and voracious
Love is Shakespearian, egalitarian and Darwinian
Love is Achillian, Sisyphean and panacean
LOVE IS . . . Mary Kathryn
Composed with love for Mary Kathryn
on 2/14/1994
Love
Chris
I love you my sweet man. How will I live this life with out you giving me you wonderous words. Reminding me that there is hope without fear. Love without lonelyness and respect for all people in the universe. I adore you and love you forever my friend. You will never leave my heart. You loving wife
Christopher on our wedding day
Mary Nicoll
February 13, 2009
Hi honey:
Tomorrow is Valentines Day. I am so sad. You are forever in my heart. I don't know how to deal with this. I look at your pictures all day and I cry, cry cry. I miss you and your lovely smile so much. Here is a picture of you at our wedding that I just adore. I adore everything you have ever given me in terms of love, honor, trust, loyalty, respect, forgiveness. There are so many things that I won't be able to live with out. I love you and god bless. wife
Mary Nicoll
February 12, 2009
Hi honey:
I'm tired, lost, confused and deeply saddened for you. You know the struggles I go through on a daily basis. I'm too depressed to do any thing. In my 4 hours off the first thing I do is sleep in your bed for two hours. then I try to figure out what to do. I am so tired all the time. I need your strength, love and wisdom to get through this. But your not here to help me. I don't care about anything. My dad wants to go to his chili cook offs but I pretend there aren't any. I can't bear to see our friends. It scares me even though they are our friends. I don't do anything with your stuff. Even though I'm kinda mad at you for leaving me. I know you wouldn't have if you had a choice in the matter. But... how could you leave me in this horrible situation. We had plans. Great plans. I love you Babs
Chris, Dad and Mary at Audry and Parkers wedding in Yosemite
February 11, 2009
1993 Gorgeous Man that you are
February 11, 2009
Puerto Vallarta 1991
February 11, 2009
On our first trip to Catalina together in July 1991
MAry Nicoll
February 11, 2009
Hi honey:
I'm puting in a few pics of us and you from some of our trips together hope you enjoy them. I know I did.
Mary Nicoll
February 9, 2009
Hi honey:
Well, its pretty lonely without you. Life has just stopped. I have nothing to look forward to. I don't know what to do with my time. I have nothing to do but write in this book and watch tv. I look at your pictures all day. Sometimes I get so angry. Other times I just cry. Life has just stopped for me. I am so sad. I can't bear it. I shake when I write to you. This is the only connection I have to you. I miss and love you. Help me to go on please.
I will Love you always,
Your Wife Mary Kathryn.
Jim Stoddard
February 9, 2009
Mary,
I am so sorry for your loss. Losing loved ones, especially a spouse, is so hard to deal with. Something you will never get over. Especially when those "special days" come up. And those lonely nights, when they're not by your side. I am sad with you, Mary, and know that I pray for your healing every morning during my devotionals. Christ can help you get through this. His love overcomes all. Know that I care and God cares and I will pray you through this. God bless.
Mary Nicoll
February 8, 2009
Hi honey:
I'm trying to work through this major loss of mine but its too hard. I have been on line with greiving groups but it just makes me cry more. They are not telliing me anything I don't already know. It takes time. It's pretty hard when dad is asking about the guy I'm with from across the street. I have no one to really talk to. he's 83 and can't carry on a conversation. I miss you so much. I'm still in major shock. I love you and need you. There is nothing I can do to bring you back. I am so lonely. even more so with dad. Help me from above please. I love you babs
MAry Nicoll
February 7, 2009
Last night was the worst sleep night. All of my dreams were so traumatic and full of heavy crying and when I wasn't sleeping I was crying. Heavy duty crying. I don't know how to do this without you. you have always been my rock and reason. guide me my sweetness, because I can not so this long road ahead with out you. So many people say they understand, but they can't. We lived together for 18 years you are not someone you just some day move on from. You were too special of a man to ever drift from my mind or heart for a second let alone a day or month or year to move on. They say it gets easier, but I don't agree. they are people who didn't have the special relationship we did. I love you. I have no idea how this life will turn out without you by my side and I can't even promise I'll try to get on with life. It is too sad. I can only see more lonelyness, sadness and heartache.
luv you wife
Mary Nicoll
February 6, 2009
Hi Honey:
I've been trying to find a bereavement group to help me, but everyone wants money for online or its too complicated. I am lost. I'm stuck in this damn house all the time. I still get my 4 hours twice a week but thats not enough. I miss you. I know its only been one month since you died but it feels like yesterday and an eternity. I don't know what to do. Susan talked about getting me out of your house across the street ( no rush). I told her no because that is all I have left of you and I would have nowhere to go to get away from here. She said thats expensive. I do not want to live here at dads house. I see him enough. I want to live on my own with you. I know that is not possible. I love you and need and miss you.
Mary
MAry Nicoll
February 5, 2009
HEAVEN AND HELL
(Ode to a Laguna Heroine)
Heaven anf Hell
are here on earth,
This we now know is true.
For as sure as God
has blessed these Hills
Dante's inferno has burned here too.
Lucifer set his flame to field
And blew his winds from hell
And in his path to the sea
Lay a century old hotel.
Water, water everywhere
Nor a drop to drink
Fire fire everywhere
Nor any time to think.
But beauty triumphed over beast
And the flames went back to hell
And tales of love and courage
All alive were left to tell.
A Paradise Found
and a Paradise Lost,
Can soon be found again,
And from these Ashes,
a Phoenix will rise,
My Laguna Heroine.
Composed with love and Pride for Mary Kathryn 11-3-1993
by Christopher John Nicoll
Mary Nicoll
February 5, 2009
A LADY IN WAITING
Is it destiny
That blooms the Rose
Or the Hand of God
No one knows
Or does the Rose
With a will of its own
Break the bonds
Of its introverted home.
Is a butterfly
A creature of fate
Or does leaving the Cocoon
Make her beauty great
Not all words are verse
Nor all grapes wine
All things of beauty
Need Love, Hope and Time
So fear not Mary Kathryn
In this world of pain, fear and hating
Remember every young girl
Is a Lady in Waiting.
With Love
11-3-1992
Chris Nicoll
Mary Nicoll
February 5, 2009
THE HEART OF MARY KATHRYN
At the Heart of Mary Kathryn
Is a child of Camelot
Of curls and frills
Of swords and shields
Who loved and hurt alot.
At the Heart of Mary Kathryn
Is a girl of Cooperstown
of balls and strikes
And riding bikes
And dreams of evening gowns
At th Heart of Mary Kathryn
Is a woman of the stage
Who dreams of Lights
And a different life
And the applause of a different age
At the Heart of Mary Kathryn
Is a woman that never has been
Who in life will wallow
And with Love will follow
The Heart of Mary Kathryn.
Composed with love for
Mary Kathryn
by Christopher J. Nicoll 11-3-1991
Kevin, Mary& Chris In Vegas At the WCC
February 4, 2009
Chris enjoying his boat and Cigar in San Diego
Mary Nicoll
February 4, 2009
Hi Babe:
I don't know what to do on a daily basis. I am so lost without you that I sleep almost all day and night. When I am Not sleeping I cry and think about you. I get angry,sad, pissed off and broken hearted. Then I think about you. how you had to be in so much pain and to not want to burden me with it because of my fathers situation, I feel enormouds guilt. Should I have known more? Was I that selfish to not notice and foce you to a doctor. Everyone says you've been that way forever. Regardless of Insurance or not.I am beginging to think I didn't do a very good job of taking care of you and my dad at the same time. I think I was remiss with you. I am so sorry if your death was caused due to my decision to take care of my father. It put you in an environment that wasn't the best for you. I am sorry. I will live with that unanswered question and many more forever. I love and adore you my husband.
Your wife
Mary Nicoll
February 3, 2009
Hi honey:
Just a short note to tell you I miss you and need you. The loss is so great I can't understand it. everyone expects me to go right backk to where things were before. This will never be possible. i adore you and will forever miss you and our talks. I love you. Mary
Mary Nicoll
February 3, 2009
Hi honey Things are strange around here withut you. I miss you and think of you every day and minute. I have written other things that they won't post or haven't posted. I don't know why. I cry when I sleep in your bed. I cry every night and am. I miss you terribly. I love and adore you
wife
Mary Nicoll
February 2, 2009
Hi honey:
I have to keep my feelings to myself or write them elsewhere because people are concerned about my feelings like I'm going to do something to myself. Well I'm not. I miss you so much. I don't know what to do. I just want to talk to you. I wish I talked to you more when you had the tube out but I was trying to not to be selfish. Having your time with your family is important. The truth is I didn't want to leave. The nurses wanted me to leave at night to get rest. But I believe I could rest later. They had high hopes for you and thought that You would be best served if I had strength at home with you. This was right after the TIPS procedure. Then things changed for the worse after they put the tube back in. I am so sorry that I listened to them. that was time I could have spent with you. Now I have none. I don't know what to say or do without you. I love you Babs
Mary Nicoll
February 2, 2009
Hi babe: Rough night. I know how much you love the superbowl. Steeleers won in the last seconds. I personaly don't care, but I kept looking at your chair empty and started crying. love you
babs
Mary Nicoll
February 1, 2009
Today is the superbowl. I don't even know who's playing. I think the steelers and Cardinals. I don't care who wins. I miss you honey.
Mary Nicoll
January 31, 2009
Waters To Waters
Ashes to ashes
And Waters to Waters
From mothers and fathers
To sons and daughters
The sea is a master
and the lesson we learn
Is from the sea we come
And to the sea we must return
From heaven and earth
From sea to sky
The journey of water
Is the journey of Life
Water and man
Are as Husband and Wife
And the love of the sea
Is the love of life
So let us drink
To Life, Love and the Sea
And sail as one
Into Eternity.
Composed with love for Mary Waters
2-14-1993
By Christopher John Palmer Nicoll
Mary Nicoll
January 31, 2009
Hi. It's been 4 days since you were interred. Everyone seems to go on with their life and expect me to. I can not fathom life without you. I am back at work full time and it's the same old stuff. Only you know what that means. I would rather be with you than in this situation any longer. Unfortunately Dad needs me right now. I don't know how to cope with the loss. All I do is cry and buck up when someone else is around. I hate life and what it has to offer me in the future. A future without you in unlivable and unthinkable. You are /were my future. My beautiful husband. I miss you Babs
Mary Nicoll
January 31, 2009
Hi honey:
Life feels over. I have nothing to look forward to. When susan comes into town, I don't have you to come visit. I need relief, and the only way to get that is with you here. I look at your pictures all day, trying to remember all the good times. This only makes me more lonely. Why did you leave me? You promised me you would never leave me. love you
Wife
Mary Nicoll
January 30, 2009
Hi:
I feel so alone. It doesn't matter if there are people around or not. The feeling of emptiness is overwhelming. I just don't know what to do. All I do is sleep and dream and cry. You've been apart of my life for 18 years. How do I go on without you? Help me Chris. I can't do this without you. I love and adore you
your wife Mary
Mary Nicoll
January 30, 2009
Honey: May all the stars in the heavens shine as bright in your heart
as they do in the sky as we venture into the future together.
Mary Nicoll
January 29, 2009
Hi honey:
I fell asleep at your house on your side of the bed today. I had a dream that you came home and I was able to take care of you. Then I woke up and started crying. I miss you. I'm really lost. I look at your pictures and miss you so much. Some of the older pictures of us on vacations and sailing. God, I want you here with me. There is nothing that I can do to fix this. I want and need you. I can't find any thing to fill my mind with to take over the overwhelming feelings of loss. They say it will be years before I can move on. I don't see that happening in such a short period of time. I love you. Your wife.
wedding day
January 29, 2009
Chris In San Diego
January 29, 2009
Chris & Mary 2002
January 29, 2009
1993 Birthday
January 29, 2009
Chris & Mary On Wedding Day
January 29, 2009
Mom & Chris on Lake Powell
January 29, 2009
Chris & Mary In Mexico
January 29, 2009
Chris, Mary, Terri and Tim
January 29, 2009
Chris on his Boat
January 29, 2009
Chris, Mary's Dad and Mary at 35thB-dayParty at the Ritz Carltonh
January 29, 2009
Chris & Mary On our Sail Boat
January 29, 2009
Chris & Mary 11/22/2008
January 29, 2009
Mary Nicoll
January 28, 2009
Hi honey:
I thought the burial service was going to be able to help me with your loss. It only left me with nothing to look forward to. I know that sounds strange buut I now have to try to live without you. I don't know if that will ever be possible. I'm really confused and walking around like a lost soul. I want you back in my life physically not just mentally with memories. I still have to take care of Dad and that doesn't help. I have lost so much in my life God should not have taken you. I am not this strong. To put up a false front is not possible for me. I love you far to much to be able to hide my feelings. I'm getting mean again. and I don't even drink. My heart aches for your touch a glance, your voice and everything that is physical. I do not want to go on with out you. You were my future on the beaches of mexico. I'm afraid of being without you. YOU WERE my guide in life. I love you Babs
Mary Nicoll
January 27, 2009
My Christopher:
I don’t know how to sum up 18 years together, everything you are and have given me in a short paragraph. Some things that come to mind are, Friendship, Loyalty, Confidence, Dignity, class, Respect, Joy, Love, Teacher, Poet, Orator, Pure Heart, A Giver as well as a Forgiving person, Trusting, empathetic, sympathetic, Honorable, nurturing, accepting and non judge mental. Always committed to anything, everything, and everyone you touched and came across. You were willing to help everyone you came in contact with. What is remarkable was we actually liked each other the whole time. We drove to work together, ate lunch together, played hooky together, and still managed to call each other 5 times a day. I remember our Wedding day and the feelings were so strong we Glowed. It was no different when your tube was taken out on Dec 15, 2008. You couldn’t stop kissing me. You told me you felt like we were on our second honeymoon. A nurse came in and told us to get a room, and with your humor you told him you had one. It was this remarkable feeling of Love that we always shared. We experienced in the Hospital the same feeling of love that we have been fortunate to share for 18 years and people had been noticing for years, they were still noticing. I was told by numerous doctors and nurses they had not seen a love this deep in a long time in the hospital. That by itself was a gift. I thank you for that. We are so much in love; you were in the hospital for 30 days. You knew you were dying yet you still gave me hope to fight. You accepted Jesus as your Savior, another gift to me, because now we will be reunited. Your mother is a blessing. If not for her guiding loving nature you would not be the man you are today. Be proud of the life you lived Christopher. Any Man should be proud. You were honorable, thoughtful, caring beyond belief, respectful, loving and Trusting. You always put others needs ahead of yours. You were there for me always. I hope I have been there for you. I can only hope I gave you as much loving as you always gave me. It has only been 20 days since you left me, but it seems like it all happened yesterday and at the same time it feels like an eternity. I miss you. Hearing you talk would be all I need. All I have left is one day at a time. You are my world. You will always be my husband. Every breath I take is filled with your love and memories. The world was a better place with you in it. I adore you husband. So, SAIL SWIFTLY INTO THE MYSTIC honey, I’ll be there before you know it.
Your wife
Mary Nicoll
January 26, 2009
Babycakes:
I'm leaving to go to Catalina shortly.I'm really po'd at this whole situation right now. I don't want to do this. I don't know how to do this without you by my side. Our life was never supposed to be like this. THIS IS NOT OUR ENDING. Our love is eternal. yeah I know, trust the lord. I did and look at what it got me. You dying prematurely. You have always gotten me through these kind of tradgegies. You were never to be the tradgedy. And now I only have your memories, love and a horrible world to live in. You know what I am up against. I can't handle what needs to be done alone. I am really struggling with Dad right now. I only want o be ot your house and grieve. That is not an option though because of Dad. Help me through today please. help me. babs
Moira Fisher
January 25, 2009
Dear Mary,
I offer my deepest condolences on the loss of your husband. He was much too young and it's so very sad. Please know that you are in the prayers of your high school class of 1979. I have informed those for whom I have e-mail, and I will inform the rest in the upcoming newsletter.
God bless you and all of Christopher's family and friends who are feeling such a huge loss. I never knew him but I look forward to hearing all about him one day when you are up to it.
Yours sincerely,
Moira Fisher
Marywood Class of 1979
Tammy Robinson
January 25, 2009
I am so sorry for your loss, Mary. I can't imagine how you must feel but I know God has a plan and he will give you strength to go on with Christopher forever in your heart. I will pray for you strength. I'd love to take you to our reunion.
Mary Nicoll
January 25, 2009
Hi Babycakes:
The burial will be tomorrow. Then I am on my own. I don't know if I can say goodbye. Its too soon. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of you and want to touch and talk to you. It's not fair. I should have kept you on the vent longer. Maybe they would have been able to do more. I am so sorry. I just wanted your pain to go away. I'm sorry. You said you weren't afraid of living or dying, well I'm afraid of both. I'll see you tomorrow on the island. babs
Zachary Waters
January 24, 2009
Uncle Chris,
You always remembered to talk to me when the adults were talking to each other. Every time you greeted me with the phrase, "Heah Zach, really slowly, I knew you were going to ask me a question, and it might be a hard question, like chemistry or a social studies question. I love you Uncle Chris.
You were always a super Uncle to me because you were thoughtful. Even when you were in the hospital, you wanted me to have your guitar. I just had my 8th birthday, and your guitar was a special gift. I play with your guitar everyday. I want to learn to play it and I will remember you when I do it. I love you so much.
Your nephew Zachary
Mary Nicoll
January 24, 2009
Hi honey: not a good day today. Writing my letter to you for two days. How do I do it? One of Dads doctors said Life goes on. I told him that was rude. Maybe it does for him but for me I wasn't sure how. You are my life. You were supposed to be my future. What happened? I don't know how or what to do. Its only been 18 days and I am so lost. I miss you so much. God didn't grant any miracles this time. Well, I guess its a miracle that you accepted him as your Savior. So for that I'm grateful to him. But He's not on my favorite list right now. He keeps taking all my favorite people away from me. All the good ones are with him. He has now left me alone again. I love you Babs
louis gonzales
January 24, 2009
we are very sorry about your loss.barb and i were deeply saddened about the news.we are thinking about you
chris at Marks house
January 24, 2009
Mary Nicoll
January 23, 2009
Hi honey; Well, you are safely on Catalina now. You will buried next to Grandmother + Grandfather. They really loved and respected you. I will see you one last time on Monday. I don't know what to do. I am so lost. My world was a better place because of you. You gave meaning and purpose to my life and now I have none. Please guide me towards the right path. I love you your wife.
crystal auxier
January 22, 2009
no words can really comfort you, but please know our deepest prayers and wishes are always with you.... a star has been added up in heaven, twinkling and watching over you.. he has moved on to Gods greater purpose, we are all better people to have known such a great man, he always treated people fairly and with respect... how neat it was when he let Jesus in his heart.. i will miss his chili, his salsa, his smile and just him... he made my sister mary so happy, you could just feel the love beween them.. stay strong sis take it one day at a time, we are all here for you lean on us... we all love you...
cayla and jason auxier
January 22, 2009
uncle chris, we love and miss you very much !!! we hope you love it in heaven, cayla wanted to know if you could borrow a phone from one of the angels and call us.... he was a great uncle who always wanted to play with us, he was funny and made us laugh... we will so miss you uncle chris !!!!!! we love you aunt mimi , if you wake up in a red room with no windows and no doors dont panic..... your just in my heart......
Mary Nicoll
January 22, 2009
Hi love:
I miss you. I need to talk to you. I was looking for anything that had your voice on it and found you singing a song into a tape recorder. I miss your singing and playing on the guitar for me.You are so special to me I don't know what to do without you. Everything is surreal. I love you and miss you always your wife
Bob Waters
January 21, 2009
My Sister Mary. Hang in there. You are a strong person. We are all sorry for your loss and we will all miss Chris, but his memory will always be with us too.
With Love, Your brother Bob
Mary Nicoll
January 21, 2009
Hi honey:
I love and miss you. The Burial is on Monday at 11:30 on Santa Catalina Island. At least I'll be able to see you from the beach sunsets and sunrises. You need to help me through this. I cant do it alone. This is too much to ask of me. I'm back taking care of Dad. He knows something is very wrong and bad happening , so he is acting out being mean and not sleeping. I just react wrong every day to him. I don't know what to do. I need your calming influence. Here I go again crying and sitting on the pity pot. but I can't help it. Your my love, heart, soul, and every breath I take belongs to you. Thank you for being in my life. I honestly don't want to be here without you. Babs
Bob Plager
January 20, 2009
Mary:
Kathy and I think of you daily, and love you girl. We know that Chris really loved you and you him. Even though we talk frequently, we still feel for you as much as we did daily while Chris was in the hospital. We feel so bad about not making the "celebration of life" service, but we know you understand about Kathy's broken wrist and hospital stay. We'll get together soon.
Love,
Bob & Kathy Plager (still in Las Vegas)
Audrey Davis
January 20, 2009
Dear Uncle Chris,
I will miss you so much. You were an inspriation to all of us, and no family event will be the same with out your funny jokes, witty comments, dynamic energy, and heart felt sentiments. It is not justified that you left us when you did, but the memories we have of you will always endure.
Dear Mary,
I was sad to not be at the funeral to say good bye to Chris. I am sorry for the pain you must be experiencing. I am crying as I write this and I know it is difficult for you. Like others have said, we are all here for you. You will always have our love and support. Thank you for being such a wonderful Aunt and wife to Chris. You made him so happy. I will cherish the time I spent with both of you, and hope to see you very soon.
Mary Nicoll
January 20, 2009
Honey:
History was made today. We now have our 44th president. Barack H. Obama. I am so sorry you missed this enormous occassion. I actually watched and taped it because I knew you would want it that way. It is getting harder and harder for me, everything reminds me of you. I love you babycakes.
Babs
Sharon Bisceglia
January 20, 2009
Mary...The service for Chris was wonderful and I'm sure he is proud of you. There were many friends and family that told great stories about him in his younger years which made us all know him a little better. Our thoughts and prayers are with you and if you need anything...Chick & I are always there for you.
Love, Chick & Sharon
World Champion Peoples Choice and World Champ Showmanship Award
Mary Nicoll
January 19, 2009
Hi sweetness;
Vincent took this picture of you and your booth creation when you won 1st place Peoples Choice award and 1st Place Showmanship Award at the World Chili Cookoff. Hope you wnjoy it. Babs
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The Five Stages of Grief
They're not a map to follow, but simply a description of what people commonly feel.
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You may find these well-written obituary examples helpful as you write about your own family.
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These free blank templates make writing an obituary faster and easier.
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Some basic help and starters when you have to write a tribute to someone you love.
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