Lily Mar Obituary

Lily Mar Dec. 11, 1920 – Feb. 24, 2007 Beloved wife, mother, grandmother and sister passed away peacefully at home surrounded by her loving family. She is survived by her husband of 66 years, Velie Mar, daughter and son-in-law, Linda and Stan Chu of New York, daughter and son-in-law, Sandra and George West of Bakersfield, son and daughter-in-law Terry and Candee Mar of Arroyo Grande and her grandchildren, Denise Quon, Kimberlee Mar and Kevin Mar. The family requests in lieu of flowers donations be made in the memory of Lily Mar to: Alzheimer's Association 225 North Michigan Ave 17th Floor Chicago, IL 60601 www.Alz.org">(www.Alz.org) Services will be held at Mission Mortuary on Feb. 28 at 11am.

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Published by Bakersfield Californian on Feb. 27, 2007.

Memories and Condolences
for Lily Mar

6 Entries

Denise Quon

March 2, 2007

The one thing constant in all of our lives is that we are always changing. Changing physically and mentally. Your perception of who you are and what life is, is always being challenged. But family and love is something that is so strong that it stays with us through all changes and even through death.

Towards the end of my grandmother's life, she became a beautiful person that many people didn't have the pleasure to see.

Alzheimer’s is a complicated disease. The person who has it is struggling for their memory, and the loved ones around them are struggling with their own feelings and interpretations of what is happening. Everyone is struggling for understanding.

While I was worried my grandmother wasn’t recognizing me, she was worried I wasn’t recognizing her. It is when I stopped struggling to understand “why I lost her” and opened my eyes to realize she was right there, that a new chapter in our relationship began.

See, as my “grandmother” and our relationship growing up, “Lily Mar” was someone that had to be the authority figure, the elder, the person who knew everything, and if she didn’t, she had to pretend she did. She had to limit her conversations and sensor herself because there were things that she wouldn’t speak about, or opinions that perhaps were not polite to voice.

My grandmother’s changing mental state gave her the, well, freedom to just be the core of who she was. And for the first time in my life, my relationship with my grandmother changed into something so simplistic – Beyond the disease, I got to see the basic fundamental person that she was – kind, gentle, vulnerable, appreciative, a person who enjoyed people, food and good conversations.
Her purpose in life was very clear – to love and be loved.

She forgot years ago exactly who I was. Sometimes I was her sister, sometimes her daughter, sometimes her niece. Once in a while she would know I was me but I must have “done something to my hair” since she didn’t recognize me at first.
At times she wasn’t sure exactly who I was but she always knew I was someone she loved.

It was the feelings and the relationships that she had built that she never forgot. The love that she had for them lasted long after the person was recognizable. It was as if she had gone blind and couldn’t see them, but could still fell who they were and the love she had for them.

And my grandfather – the love of her life – she would never forget. I know he worried that one day she might not remember him. What became more of a reality was that my grandmother wanted everyone to be him. Imagine, a world filled where everyone was the love of your life. Hey, that isn’t so bad.

People worried when she was in Laurel Springs, the assisted living home, but for Paw-Paw it was “Denise’s Apartment” that she was staying at, and later a “very nice hotel” and eventually her “home” where Terry’s room was at the end of the hall. The poor man at the end of the hall had her checking in on him every night. And when he wasn’t in bed, boy would he get it.

I visited often there and we would have lunch. Sometimes we would eat at Laurel Springs but she would warn me that the “food wasn’t so good at that restaurant” so most of the times we would go out, often to Chinese food where she would talk to my boyfriend in Chinese for hours. I had never even heard her speak more then a few words of Chinese in my life.

Photo albums were like triggers of memories that she would share with me.
There were stories of her and her sisters and her mother, and when she was in high school. When she had met my grandfather and when her children were born. She spoke a lot about being on the ranch too. These stories I had never heard because they had been long forgotten or perhaps they were stories that she may not have ever shared with me.

There were some sad times the past few years, as with everyone’s life, like the moments that she would have slight realizations that she had Alzheimer’s. Often times she would refer to it as a physical thing – like “I can’t believe you have to see me like this, I look a mess.” And sometimes she would worry that she couldn’t remember things and she would get confused. I would say, not to worry.. it’s life, we all forget things every now and then – because isn’t that the truth?

Like everyone, eventually change occurred where my grandmother’s body and mind were just ready to have a rest.

I will really miss her. Not just because she was my grandmother, but because I was really enjoying her the last few years. Even though she may have felt that she wasn’t at her best, who she truly was shinned through, and ironically, as she sat next to me forgetting who she was, it was when she shared the most of herself with me.

ROSIE JUAREZ

March 2, 2007

My thoughts and prayers are with you in your time of grief. May your memories bring you comfort yo you and your family this is Rosie from Laurel Springs (activities).

Kimberlee Mar

March 1, 2007

For those of you who may not know me, my name is Kimberlee Mar and I am the granddaughter of Lily Mar whom I also referred to as Yen-Yen.

The many summers I spent with Yen-Yen were undoubtedly the best times of my life. Yen-Yen had a way of making me feel that nothing else in the world mattered but me.

My summers were spent in Bakersfield watching TV, eating too much and constantly bugging Yen-Yen to buy me the newest and coolest toys and the trendiest clothes, as I grew older.

Besides the normal day to day activities that she planned for me during my summer visits, Yen-Yen also taught me invaluable lessons that I will always remember her for.

Yen-Yen taught me how to become a woman. Her constant drive to turn me in to an adult weighed heavily on me day to day, but the lessons she equipped with me have proved invaluable to this day.

I’ll never forget the day when she said she would no longer let me walk around with wrinkled clothes, and that I had to learn how to iron on my own. She sat me down in the kitchen and taught me how the iron worked and where to spray the water. I’ll never forget her smiles when I ironed my first shirt, I felt so proud. The next day she bought me a magnet shaped like an ironing board to congratulate me on my commencement of ironing lesson number one.

Throughout the years, Yen-Yen pushed me to become a better person, from cooking, to cleaning to doing well in school, Yen-Yen was the constant rock in my life, always around to cheer for me when I excelled and comfort me when I failed.

There are so many memories about the times I spent with Yen-Yen and much of which I will miss.

I’ll miss the summers in the park, feeding the ducks and the delicious picnics.

I’ll miss her home cooked meals that I should of learned how to cook.

I’ll miss the Easter egg hunts especially since her eggs had more money in them.

I’ll miss knowing that when I was with her, nothing could go wrong.

I’ll miss her smiles, her hugs and her love.

But most of all I’ll miss all the good times I had when I visited her all those summers, and her teachings of the importance of family value, honor and tradition.

I’ll miss my Yen-Yen with all of my heart. But I know now that she is in a special place where there is no pain, but all the happiness she deserves.
I promise I will make you proud Yen-Yen and I will treasure your memory forever.

Annitta Smith

March 1, 2007

I was very sorry to hear about Sandy's mother passing. You, Sandy, and the other family members are in my prayers.

Perry and Barbara Looney

February 28, 2007

Dear Sandy, we are sorry to hear of the loss of your dear mother. May God lift up and encourage your family in this difficult time.

Marsha Barnden

February 28, 2007

To all of Lily's family, we are thinking of you during this sad time. Such a tremendous loss but know that our prayers are for your peace and comfort. Lily was truly a beautiful woman and such a gift to her family and friends.

Love, Keith and Marsha Barnden

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