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Joseph New Obituary
JOSEPH THOMAS, suddenly, age 23, April 15, 2006. Beloved father of Jo-Jo; dear son of Elaine (nee Cirillo) and Joseph New; step-son of Robert Combs; brother of Jessica and Jonathan New and Robert Combs; loving companion of Nicole DiNardo; grandson of Tom and Marie Cirillo, Regina New and the late Howard New. Relatives and friends are invited to his VIEWING SAT. 9:15A.M. at the Church of Stella Maris, 9th. and Bigler Sts., followed by his Funeral Mass at 10 A.M. Int. will be private. In lieu of flowers family request contributions be made to the Joseph Anthony New Educational Fund, c/o: Commerce Bank, 2653 S. 5th. St., Phila., PA 19148.
MONTI-RAGO FUNERAL HOME INC., 215-462-0992
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Memories and Condolences
for Joseph New
Sponsored by Mommy, Bob, & Jessica.
A.J.
April 21, 2019
Think about you constantly.
Miss your laugh, bro.
Jessica Selvaggi
August 25, 2018
Joe,
It's been a long time since I've wrote to you. Last night I dreamt of you and our families, &
it was like you never left. Seeing you with my present self was crazy, but it took me back to a time where things felt calm,and I guess right now I needed that.
I'm 24 now, and trying to make it in New York. This rent thing is tough, I don't know how you guys did it so young. I want to run.
Speaking of,
I'm sure you already know.. just give her a hug if you see her up there? That is what she needed to heal this whole time.
As far as my nephew, like I've said before he will always be my entire life. 9 years apart, he was practically my baby brother. I love, and miss him so much, we need him. I know he will continue to make you both proud.
we need peace in our hearts J, all of us.
little Jessica (J-unit)
April 22, 2017
Think about you everyday bro. Missing you Constantly.
Love you
A.J.
A.J.
November 6, 2012
Miss ya more Everyday bro.
June 17, 2012
JT
It's been so long since I wrote on here. I wanted to wish you a Happy Fathers Day and let you know you are always in my heart. Please watch over all of us. I miss you so much.
Love always and forever,
Mommy
Jessica New
October 5, 2011
Another month, another day, another hour, minute, and second without you. Today I read the front page of a newspaper. It was about a 23-year-old man that died. It was the story of his life, what he aspired to be and do and how he wanted to be a positive change in this world. It was the story of his mother's shattered heart, his sister's empty soul, and the legacy that he'll leave behind. The expression that he was much more in life than in death filled the page and tears filled my eyes. I couldn't help but go back to the day that you left this world, that you left me.
It's not any easier you know? I can cope with it most days but there are many times, like today, that I find myself frozen in thoughts of you. Memories that we shared, fights we've had, things we didn't get the chance to do together. I've often heard that "life isn't fair". I guess it depends on a person's view of "fair". No, I don't think that it is fair that I had to lose my best friend so early on in my life. But I do think it is beyond fair, incredibly lucky even, that I had you here with me at all. So fair or not, while you were here and even now that you are gone, I remain grateful for being chosen to be your little sister, biggest fan, and confidant.
It's becoming more obvious to me as I grow older that many things that I will face in this life won't make sense. I've found that it may take years even for the dots to connect and the picture to become clear. I've decided that things will make sense when they are suppose to and that, all that I can do is make the most of the part of the picture that I am able to understand. Will I ever understand losing you? I'm going to safely bet that, no, I never will. But I will find ways to positively remember you, and keep you alive so that your son will never forget how blessed he is to be your little boy.
I miss you so much sometimes. Strangely, I miss you most when I am extremely happy or excited about something. Taking for granted that you were a phone call away is something that I undoubtedly regret. I wish that you were here to grab some food, watch a game, play a video game. Just wish that you were here period. I must tell you something that may or may not make you happy. Your son is a phenomenal SOCCER player. Yes, soccer. I know we had high hopes for a shortstop or linebacker but he plays soccer and he is great! You should see his competitive drive. His knowledge of sports baffles me J. It's like he knows EVERYTHING. I'm going to guess he owes it in part to his mom-mom E talking to him about the Phillies. He is so knowledgeable and has such a keen ability to pick up anything and everything that he hears. He is so strong willed, so loving, and SO funny. I swear he is a clone of you. It helps me to have him. Thank you so much for leaving us this amazing living memory of everything that you are.
At night I find myself closing my eyes just to see if I can still picture you the way that I remember. Big goofy smile, your laugh, your walk, your mannerisms. They are etched into my memory and you are here in my heart, forever. It is confusing sometimes to think about the reasoning, about the fairness, about the intended work of god...but at the end of the day, what is crystal clear is that I have loved you my entire life and there will never be a single month, day, minute, hour, or second that passes by where I won't think about you.
Until the day we meet again, watch over us always.
Love Always, Jessica
Jessica New
June 13, 2011
Happy Fathers Day Angel,
Father's Day is coming up. It really is an indescribable feeling. When I think about what makes me most happy I immediately picture your little boy (who by the way is not very little anymore).
You know, there are few moments in my life that I remember crystal clear, one of them is the day that your son was born. I remember sitting there watching you cross the glass hallway that connects the hospitals. You had my video camera gripped in your huge hands and this glassy glaze of pure joy in your eyes. I never saw that look in your eyes before that day, but I saw it every single day after that..each time you looked at your son.
It's interesting this "father" title. Anyone can be one but I'd like to think that the "DAD" title is one that is earned. I'm sure you never realized it but you were a "dad" figuratively, long before Joe came into this world- to me. You taught me everything a dad would teach their kid and all the bad stuff a brother would teach his sister! I owe my love of sports, cows, and potato cakes to you. I also blame you for my ability to draw cartoon animals and throw a football (like a girl). Then there were those tough love lessons that I liked a lot less. (Another clear memory moment) Like the first time I ever drank when I was 16 and I called you to come get me and you did. But you wouldn't walk me across the street! You said "if you're old enough to drink you are old enough to cross the street!" After 10 minutes you carried me but I'll never forget how dad-like you were! I remember all the times you swept in a saved me from first monsters, and then boys!
It breaks my heart to think that all of the things that I learned from you, Joe will not also have the ability to experience. No worries though, we've got it covered down here! He has such a unique personality of his own. He absolutely gets his wit from you though. I'm sure he'd give you a hard time like I did. But I'm even more positive that he would be thankful on Father's Day and everyday that you were picked to be his Daddy.
He remembers you you know. Little things like how you smelled and what he experienced with you during the short time that he was able to spend with you. It's comforting to hear him recall those moments. At the same time, it hurts to think that he wont really get the chance to make more memories with you. Sometimes I watch the documentary that you made for him while you spent days in the hospital waiting for his arrival. I always stop it at the end when he had just been born. You turn the camera around and your beautiful face fills the screen and you say "Joe, it's daddy. You were just born about 5 minutes ago. And they are cleaning you so they took you away from us so we are really sad. I'll see you soon though, I love you" I always silently think to myself "they took you away, I'm sad, but I'll see you soon" Those words get me through the day.
I love you J. There's not a moment that your son doesn't realize what an amazing father you were. He knows that you watch over him and they you are with him just in a different way than other dads. Happy Father's Day in heaven. We'll have icebox cake to celebrate when I get there!
Jessica New
April 12, 2011
I'm a different person than I was five years ago. I have experienced 5 more years of life, of love, and of hard work. I have achieved some goals, and created new dreams for myself. Life is different than it was five years ago. I have a different outlook when I wake up everyday, I have different prayers when I go to sleep at night, and I have an angel to watch over me as I move forward another year.
Five years ago I was clueless. I woke up and I took for granted all that I had. The friends that stood by my side through thick and thin, the mother that picked me up when I was down, and the brother that was not only my protector, but my best friend. It was never that I didn't know how lucky I was to have all of these things, it was that I never expected not to have them. I never dreamed that I would be where I am now without the person that is largely responsible for getting me here. Who taught me to cherish what I have, to be strong and determined, and to be outgoing enough to see what I want and without fail, go get it.
There is so much that I miss about you. I miss our inside jokes, your witty remarks, your laugh, your strong minded opinions (that I didn't always agree with), your interaction with your son, sports with you, movies with you, playstation with you. I miss you when something good happens, when something bad happens, and when nothing is happening at all. I think about the things that you've been here for, what you've already missed, and what you will not be here for in the future. For five years I've missed all of these things.
It hasn't been all bad since five years ago. I've managed to graduate college and watch your son Joseph grow into an extraordinary young man with characteristics that you always dreamed he'd have. He has the amazing ability to say anything to me and turn my entire day around! I look into his eyes and I see you. Having him here with me is a constant reminder that you truly are "never gone".
In the time that you've been gone I've thought a lot about what people said when you left us for your new home up above the clouds. Five years is a lot of time to think. I remember the kind attempts of people trying to comfort us with "it will get easier with time." Although I am forever grateful for those people, I am positive that I will never say those words when there is loss around me. It NEVER gets any easier. I think what happens is, if you're lucky, you begin to view your loss from a different perspective. I am lucky enough to realize that it is anything but "easy" as time continues without you...but that as each day passes, I am one day closer to being with you again.
I use you as the motivation in all that I do. I spend my days living life like I know you would, not wasting time worrying about the little things. You were taken away so soon that you never even had a chance to live, make your dreams come true, and be the father that I knew you would be. I not only live my life and move forward for me, but I do it for you.
Thank you for keeping me strong these last five years. Surely there have been many times where I've stumbled and wanted to give up. Please continue to give me the strength to persevere through the unknown obstacles that life may throw my way. Watch over mommy. She needs you the most. She is my rock. She never fails to both ground me and lift me up at the same time. I strive to make her proud and help her to understand that she is by far the most amazing woman on this earth. If I could turn out to be only half as amazing a woman and mother as she is, I will have succeeded in life.
I miss you not only when it is April, but every day that I wake up and see the million things that remind me of you. Yesterday, today, and always; I will miss you, remember you, and love you. I always said that there is nothing like the bond between a sister and a brother. They come from the same place, have experienced a lot of the same stories, and without a choice, they are stuck with each other forever. I couldn't have asked for a better brother and best friend to be stuck with forever. There is no distance that will ever change how close we truly are. Until the day we meet again, I'll "keep my head up" towards the sky. Where every once in a while I swear I feel you watching over me. And when it rains, I somehow think you made it happen just for me. I love you angel.
Your Sister and Biggest Fan, Jessica
August 18, 2010
Elaine, Jessica, and Family,
Today I was told about Joseph(JT). I just wanted to let you know that I am thinking of you and praying that God will continue to give you the strength to face each new day...Joseph's life was taken unexpected, without warning, yet I believe the Lord had a better plan for his life...How does a parent cope with the loss of their child?..I know in my heart that Jesus knows your pain and will always be by your side...He will give you the strength each second of the day... Draw to each other for strength...Draw to Jesus...
Elaine, you are a prcious gift from God...You are a MOM...You made JT laugh~wipe his tears~hugged him tight~watch him succeed~saw him fail~cheered him on~and kept him strong...JT will forever live within your heart... I miss you, I love you..
Your Candy- Adventure partner from the past.... Carol Hinkle(Messiah Gateway Daycare)
Please contact me....
Jessica New
April 14, 2010
Angel,
Time is meant to heal…the more time that passes me by, the more my heart aches to see you smile. Four years ago you were taken to your new home up above the clouds and each and every day of those four years I’ve thought about you, about the life you should be living, about our life together here on earth. I miss you so much. Most days I get by, I have fun, I distract myself. I now know that it is okay to laugh and to love and to live. Other days, I just can’t understand. I really try to understand this but it’s not something that I can buy a textbook and learn about. This life that I’m living has so many unanswered questions in it. But I’ve found that rather than spending my time going back and searching for answers, I should keep moving forward for myself, for mommy, for jojo, and for you. I try to live my life the way that I know you would. I try to do things that would make you proud of me, I try and I try the whole time thinking that if you were here my days would be different, my heart would be whole, my life would be complete.
I miss the smallest things about you. Like the way you’d say the most outrageous sarcastic comments, the faces you’d make, the sound of your huge laugh, the way you looked at your son. When I think of you I think of all the things we wanted to do together. I think of the things that we’ve already done, I think of what you’d say, what you’d do, how you’d feel. Everything reminds me of you. The biggest reminder is in a tiny little boy with a smile that could light up the world. He is absolutely incredible. I love him with all of my heart and soul. Having him here makes everything seem okay somehow. It’s like God knew we needed him if he was going to take you away from us so soon. The other night no one knew it, but I came up into my room and cried. It was late and I thought the baby was asleep. But he came up into my room, and he told me a joke, an actual funny joke that made me laugh. I don’t know why he came up here when he did but it’s as if he somehow knew that I was hurting, it’s like you sent him to me to make me laugh the way you use to. Sometimes I give him tough love because he’s a little kid that wants everything in the world the way he wants it! But I parent the way I know that you would! He reminds me of you. He picks up the little things that I say and do and I just think about how much like you I am.
Today is especially hard for me. It’s as if my body is wired where for 363 days I am okay and I can function. And then on April 14th and 15th my world stops moving and I can’t breathe. Like the wiring malfunctions and I completely shut down. I hide alone during these days because I’m not really good at wearing my emotions on my sleeve and it seems impossible to keep myself together and pretend to be okay. I just wish I could turn to you, walk to your house, ask for advice, borrow a movie. I wish for this today, tomorrow, and will continue to every day for the rest of my life.
It’s funny I always looked up to you as my protector. I always worried about what you thought about me. Now that you’re gone I still do! I just want you to be able to look down from up above and plant that huge unforgettable smile on your beautiful face. A smile that you are proud of the life that I’m living, the accomplishments that I have made, the son that you left behind, and the heaven sent angel that is your mother. Keep us strong angel. I love you so much. Na mean? :)
Until I see your face again,
Your little sister, jessica
melissa
February 11, 2010
joe new,
how much i miss you i cann't even put into words you really were my back bone...an without you i feel so weak ...not having you here i thought would get easier...but once again i assumed and was wrong...we just had natalia 2nd birthday party.. joey was there he is getting so big ..you would be so proud..i know that i haven't writin to you in a while but i really never have time to get on this thing ...they have this site called facebook...kind of like myspace i think you reallty would dig it.. i am still tryin to learn it and i have been on it for 6months or so ... well i just wanted to let you know that i am always thinkin of you...i love you kids are gettin crazy have to go ...hope to get back on soon...always and forever in my heart and mind
Elaine Cirillo
July 23, 2009
j,
I know you welcomed your Uncle Tommy into the gates of Heaven. Let him know how much we all miss and love him.
Help me to be strong tomorrow as we lay him down to rest.
I love you with all my heart. You are always with me.
Until we meet again.
Love Always,
Mommy
Jessica New
July 22, 2009
J,
I sit here again today after losing you three years ago and again I fail to find the words to express how i feel. As you know you are being joined in your new home with god by uncle tommy. I don't get it J. My heart just breaks apart into tiny pieces when I think of the pain mommy must feel losing first her son and now her brother and how grandma and grand pop’s hearts must ache losing their son. I just don't understand god’s plan. Is there a purpose in taking away the people that are loved so much and still have so much of their life to live? I guess I’ll never know. My hope is that you welcome uncle tommy into heaven with open arms and that he joins you in watching over our family who needs the strength the support of our angels above.
You know, yesterday me and mommy were talking and I just couldn't put all of this together. I mean I consider myself fairly smart but I think about turning 22 next Wednesday and I just cry. I think about how my life has not even begun yet. When you left this world at 23 you seemed so grown up to me. Now that I am approaching that age I realize that although you were grown up and i looked up to you so very much, you still had your entire life ahead of you to live. I break down a little bit when I think about everything that we could be doing, and all of the wonderful things you could have accomplished. I think about your plans for your son and i try to instill those plans into his life as he grows up into a beautiful intelligent young man. You know life really is unpredictable. One minute you could be smiling and laughing and all in an instant life changes. I'm learning to deal with this unpredictable-ness of life but every time something new transpires I question WHY it is happening.
Losing you has changed my life. Everyday regardless of how much time has passed, i think of you, i talk to you, i close my eyes and i try really hard to see your face again. When I think about why god took you away i think, maybe he needed someone to make people laugh in heaven, or maybe he needed a good meal up there, maybe he needed heavy furniture moved around, or a light bulb high up in the sky changed. I think maybe it was your time, maybe he knew that we needed an angel to help us get through the day. I think a lot about you, where you are, what you’re doing, if you could see us down here.
You know the baby (who, at 5, isn’t much of a baby anymore) learned how to ride a two wheeler in one day! He tells jokes, he is sarcastic, he picks up all of my little quirks and repeats them at just the right times to make me laugh until my side hurts. He smiles and i see your face, he talks and i think wow that’s something jt would say.
Mommy needs you right now j. I find myself not knowing what to say to her. I know the pain of losing a brother and i know that nothing anyone says helps the pain inside. It’s a relationship that few people understand and that many take for granted. I feel that her ability to help grandma cope with losing a child and mine to help her with losing a brother is beneficial yet stirs up so many familiar feelings of sadness. I wish you were here to help me help her. But i know that you’re up there somewhere helping to keep me strong and brave. We went to lunch and inside of my fortune cookie it said "you are strong and brave" i passed it down the table to mommy and said i must have gotten her cookie because in all honesty i don't know a single person on this entire planet that is stronger and braver than this amazing woman that god picked as our mother.
We broke down and got jojo a WII system. You'd LOVE it! We have Tyson’s punch out. Brian came over and beat all the old guys for jojo. He was thrilled! When he plays i think about you standing there playing or laughing at the baby swinging the paddle. We have fun playing and hanging out. He makes every one of my days worth it.
I know I've said a lot and I don’t know if it makes sense but I needed to vent. My wish is that you just help mommy and our grandparents and family through this trying time and continue to watch over us down here. I miss you more everyday and I will love you for the rest of my life until the day I see your beautiful face again.
Love always,
Jessica
Elaine Cirillo
April 3, 2009
J,
It's been 3 years since God took you home. It feels like yesterday we were laughing together.
I miss you so much, you are always in my heart.
Someday we will be together again.
Missing and Loving you Always....Mommy
Kristi Hopkins
March 24, 2009
J,
I thought of you today! I miss you! XoXo
March 20, 2009
J,
Every time I sit down and look at this blank screen I think of a million things that I want to say but when it comes to putting them into words I fall short of knowing what to write. I feel like I repeat myself over and over again. I feel this way because everyday I feel the pain of you not being here over and over. I just wanted to tell you that I miss you. Today has been one of the bad days for me. I miss you so much. My stomach twists in knots when I think about how close April is. Three years? Really? It feels like it was yesterday that I heard your laugh and saw your face. I’d give anything in this world to have that back again. Well I just wanted to say that I love you and that there is not a day that goes by where I don’t think about you and miss you. I’ll write again soon when I find the words to describe the way that I am feeling. I love you always angel.
Until we meet again,
Jessica
Jessica New
January 14, 2009
J,
It's been way too long since the last time I wrote to you. I think part of it is that when I don't write I pretend that I'm okay and when I do write I actually let out the million things that I bottle up inside. So many things have changed since you've been gone. I don't even know where to start. One thing that hasn't changed is that I love you with all of my heart and I miss you more with each passing day.
So the Phillies won the world series. I was at every home game and after party which was pretty cool. I got to touch the trophy and take pictures and see the players but I wish you were here to celebrate with. and now, (something that I know you'd be so excited for) the eagles are in the play offs. It'd be cool to get two championship titles in one year right? ugh the feeling that i get in my stomach when i picture your face and my life when you were here compared to how it is now is unexplainable. I feel like it was yesterday that you were here with me and its been 2 and a half years. I just don't understand, I've come to grips with the fact that i never truly will.
So I got a job with ESPN. Something I always told you I would do. I also made the Dean's list at Drexel. Something I know you'd be proud of. I've been working really hard to be the person you'd be proud of. Sometimes I imagine being able to call you when I feel like no one else is listening or cares. I imagine the actual conversation and then i come back to reality and this broken feeling sets in again. I think I'm crazy sometimes when I talk to you because I know that you can't answer, but I also know that you are listening, you have to be. The other week I went to the cemetery and sat on the ground in the freezing cold talking to you for an hour and a half. It was just before new years and i asked you to please make this year more bearable then the last for us and to keep me strong. I hope that's not asking too much. The minute i shut the door to my car that day, it started to snow. I felt you all around me and I'll never forget it.
Things are a lot different. I guess growing up changes a lot about a person, and a lot about the way they see the world. You always told me that and I never really believed it until now. It seems like all the things that mattered so much before mean nothing compared to the things I've really come to know as the most important things in my life. Mommy, my family, your beautiful son, my career. That's what matters to me the most and I only wish that you were here to share all of these things with me.
Your son. There are no words to describe what he means to all of us. He is five now and of course its hard with a five year old in the house sometimes, but at the end of the day when I think of the things in my life that I am most thankful for, he is at the top of my list. He has this personality like one I've never seen before. He smiles and he laughs and he tells jokes just like you. He's sarcastic like we were together and he might just be one of the smartest kids I've ever been around. He has grown into such a beautiful little person with all of these positive qualities and his own unique personality. He has the ability to smile and change my entire day with a simple and random "i love you aunt Jessica" He knows what he wants and what he likes and he knows that his daddy is the best daddy in the world. I know that everything that he is is exactly what you would want for him. I wish you were here to cook for him, he LOVES to eat! I'm sure your potato cakes would be a huge hit like they were for me.
J, it doesn't get easier does it? I wait for the day where it will but it doesn't come. and i guess I'm okay with that. You know I study these things in school, the grieving process and how it's different for everyone. Over the past 2+ years I've gone from shock, to anger, to sadness, a mixture of all of these things, and now I still feel all of these things but I handle them differently. I guess the pain does ease up as time passes. But thats just the pain of saying goodbye that fades. The pain of your absence stays right here with me every single day of my life. It's learning to deal with the pain that I've come to realize is important. The void that I have since you've been gone will never go away. A lot of the time memories of our life together help me to manage the pain that i feel, other times nothing helps, and sometimes i'm happy to have an angel like you to watch over me. Its the holidays and the milestone moments that really feel bittersweet. Sometimes its even little things like making the dean's list. I just feel that anything and everything would be better if i could just share them with you.
I told you that as I'm growing I'm starting to realize what is most important to me. I realize now something that i wish i would have known before, you truly never know what you have until its gone. Sometimes when i see brothers and sisters treat each other bad I want to scream. I just want to shake these people and tell them to wake up and hug each other when they leave the house, and say everything that they need to say before they walk away. I guess it doesn't make sense to a lot of siblings because they, like I did, think that they will always have each other, that they are stuck with each other forever. I learned that that's not the case and that losing someone like your brother, who you thought you'd always have, may be one of the worst pains you could ever feel inside of your heart. I always thought you'd be here for everything that i never took the time to hug you and tell you you were everything i looked up to. I wanted to tell you how much i admired that you were the most amazing father. I wanted to thank you for raising me and teaching me everything i knew about sports and animals. I didn't get to do any of these things, somehow I think you knew, but i wish I would have told you. I live with a little bit of regret for not being able to tell you i love you one more time, and not hugging you before you left the last time i saw you, and for not saying thank you for being everything that you were to me before i hung up the phone the night before you left this world. I know you wouldn't want me to feel this way. So in my heart and when I talk to you i tell you and i know you know..wherever you are, that having you as my hero meant everything to me.
So time will continue to tick away. Before you know it i'll be a college graduate, moving away from home, and finding my place in the sports industry somewhere. Along the lines I'll adopt a few puppies, find an awesome guy, get married, have kids, the rest of the things we are suppose to do in life. All the while thinking that you weren't ever able to do all of the things that you wanted to do. It hurts me to know that you didn't get to live your life to the fullest because you were taken away so soon, but it gives me all the motivation in the world to go out and make the absolute best of my own life, for the both of us.
I love you J. Knowing that you are up there watching over me keeps me going when I feel like I can't do it anymore. There isn't a single day that passes by where i don't sit silent and have thoughts of you in my mind. We wont be able to do all of the things that we said we were going to do together, but one thing that i will always have are the 18 years of memories that we made together. They will never go away..ever. I love you angel.
Until I see you again,
your little sister, Jessica
Kristi Hopkins
September 5, 2008
J,
I contacted your sister and looked at some pictures of you she had posted, and I lost it. I was a mess in work. Jess also wrote me a message reminding me of the time the two of us took her to the Oregon Diner, and she said "ah he loved you to death!" I loved you too and still love you J!
I miss you everyday. You were that one person, I knew if I picked up the phone, would come running and always be there. Life is unfair!
I want to visit your Mom and Jess and hug them for hours. Part of me is scared. I don't want to make them any more upset than I know they already are.
Watch over them. They need to know you are there. I miss you terribly!
Always,
Kristi
Ekaine Cirillo
August 31, 2008
J,
Please help me, I need your love and guidence. I am overwhelmed with so much in my life.
Wish you were here, my heart is broken without you.
Love Always,
Mommy
jessica new
August 20, 2008
J,
Well my birthday came and went...time just continues to pass by at a pace that I feel is so slow yet seems to be flying by so incredibly fast (if that makes any sense) big 21. it’s funny because it didn’t feel so “big”. I didn’t do anything to crazy, a bunch of people from work came out to the bar and had a good time. It’s weird because I always pictured it so much different. It’s like there are these certain milestones that people look forward to their whole lives and when they come it’s not always all that its cracked up to be. I’m sure certain milestones will be everything that I imagine and more but as for 21, I didn’t find it to be much of a major difference. On my birthday there were certain points in the night where I sat silently in a bar full of people with thoughts of you in my head. Just thought that if it was up to me and if birthday wishes really came true..i wouldn’t need a bar full of people..i would just need two chairs in an empty room- one for me and one for you. These big milestones, the ones that little girls wait their whole lives for, they are always going to be missing the one thing I thought would be part of each one of them…you.
I’m losing faith a little bit J. I just don’t know what to believe in anymore. I wish everything was the way it was when we were little. So young and impressionable and the only worry we ever had was what time mommy would call us in from playing to get ready for bed. What happened? I guess somewhere along the way I grew up. I was doing fine until I lost my growing up partner, my leader, my big brother. It’s like I don’t want to grow up anymore. I don’t feel like having a million things to worry about and I don’t feel like pretending that I’m not completely broken apart inside. What do I do? Sometimes I feel like I’m crazy. Every birthday I wish for you. Every time its 11:11 and someone says to make a wish I wish for you, the whole time knowing that it will not happen. Some might think that’s a waste of a “wish” but I don’t think there’s anything else on this earth worth wishing for. I miss the simple things the most I guess. We made the simplest things lifetime memories.
Right now I’m sitting in your (now my) room and my mind just runs 20 miles a minute. I can never keep up with the amount of things that run through my mind when I’m in this room all alone. Sometimes I look down at the vent and I swear I hear your voice. I remember when I was supposed to be asleep you’d crawl to the vent and tell me a funny story. I’d give anything in this world to hear the three knocks on the wall telling me the coast was clear to come into your room and talk to you and jon.
Things down here are okay I guess. I mean the world just continues to turn and there’s no stopping the way that things work out. Your son is the most amazing person I’ve ever laid my eyes on. I love him so much. Mommy is as good as she can be I guess. Still has this sadness in her eyes that will never go away but jojo helps her get through each day and I try as hard as I can to help. Cheechy now walks nicely on a leash and even runs with me through the park! I’m trying to convince mommy to get her a friend but she’s not breaking! You know me with the puppies! Bob is good, I haven’t seen Brian in what feels like forever but I’m sure he’s good too. We all miss you each day and we love you more than words could ever say.
I just felt like I had to clear my head a little bit today. I feel a lot better to get it off of my chest. It’s amazing how a few minutes of typing to you helps so much. J, I’ll never know why you were taken away from me so soon. I will never comprehend why you will not be by my side during each milestone that comes and goes. I do know that I continue to miss you and love you every second of each passing day, and that my every “wish” that I ever make until the end of time will be for you.
I love you always, your sister,
jessica
Jessica New
June 27, 2008
Happy 26th Birthday Angel,
So tomorrow is your birthday..Today, I click on your guest book and i hit the back pages to see the things that i wrote to you on the previous birthdays that you were not here...i see happy 24th birthday, happy 25th birthday, and now happy 26th birthday. I wonder how on earth that is fair. Why should I be writing happy 26th birthday on a legacy guest book for my big brother? why cant i just walk to your house and hand you a card thats so stupid it's funny? why cant we sit at the table and pretend to like the cake that mommy would have baked? instead for the last 3 birthdays i'm stuck writing to you on a computer for everyone to see but you. don't think that this at all stops me from visiting the card section in just about any store that has cards. Straight to the his birthday brother section is where i go to pick out the card that i would have given to you if you were here. I even buy the card because somehow it makes sense to me and i feel better. It's a little weird but i save them in my box and i look at them every year when another birthday passes.
26..shew you woulda been getting up there :) but you still would have been the coolest human on earth in my eyes. I never wanted to do anything but impress you because I thought you were like the biggest and strongest and funniest person alive. You have no idea how much i looked up to you J. Besides the fact that you were a giant I just always wanted to be just like you. I still try to be everyday. I feel so many things..i feel like you are just to young to have a guest book, i feel like its not fair that I have to celebrate anything without you. Ever since that day everything about life has changed for me. Its like so real to me when people say you never know whats going to happen and that life is so very unpredictable. I feel like there is no reason for this except for that god needed a perfect angel and prob. someone to cook some awesome food up there. Sometimes I can't make sense of it though. Like why? Didn't anyone know how much i needed you here so be my safest place to hide, my protector, and my best friend? Didn't they know jojo needed you too? I get so mad..but i know i shouldnt be because i sware deep down inside i know i will see you again.
Sometimes I feel you around me. Sometimes I think i'm just dreaming it and other times I know its you sending me a tiny sign to let me know that its okay and that I need to be strong and keep moving forward. Moving forward is a funny concept for me though because a huge junk of my heart and soul were left behind that day that i will never be able to get back. I move forward for mommy and for jojo, and because i know that you would want me to. I hope you are proud up there. I'm trying really hard to make sure that you are.
On your birthday I just want you to know that I miss you. I miss you everyday but today as i seal the envelope of a card that i will never be able to hand you, i miss you even more. 26 years ago you were born and 5 years later i was picked to be your little sister...i must say next to having mommy as my mom..having you as my brother is prob. what I consider to be the best luck a girl could have. I know that you were such a huge part of my life for a reason. you raised me and taught me stuff and made me laugh everyday..thank you for being everything to me J. I love you so much. Happy birthday i hope you get the balloons i'll be sending up tomorrow. Theres not a day that goes by that i dont wish for you back here with me. Until the day that I'm able to see your face again, I love you.
Your sister and biggest fan,
Jessica
Kristi Hopkins
June 25, 2008
Hey J,
Your birthday is coming and I wanted to take the time to say Happy Birthday. I think of you often and remember being young and stupid and I find myself laughing about the stupid things you used to do and say. It's hard to believe our paths first crossed 17 years ago.
I read Jessica's entries and my heart breaks for your family. You truly were one of a kind. You were the apple of your mom's eye and a hero to Jess. I still can't believe you're gone. Why? Why?
So on your birthday...know that I will celebrate your life and I will cherish our friendship forever. I miss you. XoXo
Love ya!
Jessica New
June 15, 2008
Happy Father's Day Angel..
You know when I sit here today and think about my own feelings about this "father's day" thing i can't put it into words. I guess you can say i'm upset or mad or confused about my own feelings..but then I look at your son.
When I see jojo and i know that he had the best dad in the world and that you were taken away before he had a chance to truly know that, i feel like my heart is broken. But on the other hand, I really believe that he does know that he had the best daddy in the world. He still talks about you everyday to me. It's weird because he seems to constantly talk about you when he is in my car and I am taking him somewhere. Kinda makes me smile because I think about you teaching me how to drive and me smashing your honda :)
J, some of the things jojo is doing and saying now are amazing. He had me laughing for about 2 hours the other day. He LOVES when I laugh at him because he likes being funny just like you, and he is funny just like you. Last night I stayed in and me, bob, and billy were just talking about some of the stuff you use to say and do. It feels so good to talk about you and at the same time, when my sentence about you is complete I feel this emptiness inside that makes me sad all over again. Sharing memories about you makes me smile and sad at the same time...i guess it will always be that way.
On father's day i want you to know that I love you, and that jojo loves you more than anything (including speed racer..his new favorite action hero) I never really had a chance to thank you for being the dad that you promised you would be. Your birthday is coming up and i see it marked on my "cow"-ender (chikfila) and i just cant believe it. you'd be turning 26..i'd prob. make fun of you and call you "old" but when I think about it..you were way to young. I just dont think i'll ever understand..no matter how many times people ask me "whats that tattoo on your back for" and i say "my brother" and they say "how old was he"...every single time i say the age i'm so confused..
It's been two years and I don't really think a single thing has been easier for me. Makes me think of two years ago when everyone said it'd "get better over time"..better over time? everyday that time goes by its another day that i'm down here without you, and that doesnt make me feel better. I guess people handle it different..but for me losing my best friend will never "get better" no matter how much time goes by.
My birthday is coming up. I know we said we'd celebrate it together. I think its like 43 days now. I keep a countdown but every time i erase the number and subtract days I feel sick. Its amazing how everything that I look forward to is bitter sweet because I want to do all these things, but i always dreamed of doing them with you. It's not just birthdays and holidays, it's simple things too. Like a trip to the beach or mall. Or if i see something you'd really like, or if I want to talk about sports or work. It's everything really. Everyday when I wake up I think to myself "I hope it's better than yesterday".."but jt wont be here tomorrow."
One last thing, I know i go on forever but it feels better to write to you instead of keep everything inside. I know I ask alot from you, like to help me be strong and to watch over me and help me get through the really hard stuff. but more than anything in this world all that i ask is that you do those things for mommy. I can still look at her and see that behind her smile her eyes are sad and her thoughts are of you. I know that she's been reading books and stuff about people passing over and communicating. Please keep her strong and well. She is all that I have in this world and I don't even think she understands how much i love her. Please do whatever it is that angels do to put her mind in a good place. Send her a sign, or just watch over her extra for me. Shes my everything and i'd be lost without her.
I know that one day we will meet again and I will be able to talk your ear off about all the things ive done and about jojo. On father's day, i just wanted you to know that although you are gone, amazing father's never die in the hearts of their loved ones and most importantly, their children. I'll write again to wish you a happy birthday angel. you'll never be able to know what you meant to me when you were here..i wish you did. I love you so much and i miss you're face more everyday. keep my strong, watch over me, and make me laugh :)
always and forever your little sister,
Jessica
Elaine Cirillo
June 14, 2008
JT
Happy Fathers Day. You are in my thoughts all the time. I miss you more as time goes by. Please watch over Jo Jo, Jess, and Jon.
Love
Mommy
Jessica Selvaggi
June 10, 2008
hello Joe. its been a while. i just thought id let you know how everyones doing & what im up to. me and melissa have been really busy with paulie and natalia. not to long ago we took the baby to get her ears pierced .... as melissa likes to put it "she took it like a champ" paulie is getting big too. hes a little biter though. JOJO - of course my favorite little devil in the world is doing good. hes so big joe, hes almost up to my shoulders. hes the reason i breathe - i swear i cant live without that kid. we all and miss you like crazy. nicoles doing fine i guess ... i havent really talked to her ina longggggggg time. shes really busy with working and taking care of little joey. your son loves you and he still talks about you like as if he sees you every day. like i said before i love and miss you ....its like yesterday you were calling me j-j-j-j-j junit.. well its time for bed.. keep the family safe through the night (i know you will)- LITTLE Jessica .
jessica new
March 28, 2008
Wow. It’s been a while. I still have to pinch myself when I press this screen and see the title guestbook for Joseph Thomas New. I haven’t been avoiding writing to you, I just haven’t been able to come up with the words to describe how I’m feeling lately..I think I’m ready..here it goes chances are it won’t make much sense…
Two years- in a couple weeks it will mark two years since you were taken away from me. I sat here all morning thinking about what I’ve done for these two years. Two years ago I woke up like it was any other day. I got dressed and didn’t even have a clue. Looking back I feel like I should have known but there was no way I could have. Who wakes up thinking “my 23 year old brother may leave this earth today” There couldn’t have been a further thing from my mind that morning. Everyday for the past two years I relive that day. The day that was so ordinary when I woke up and turned into my worst nightmare in an instant. Every night I have a reoccurring nightmare where I shake right before I fall asleep. I’ve gotten use to it now and the doctor says that’s normal but I don’t think it is.
It’s almost the fourth month of the year which marks the worst month of the year for me. I think back two years ago when all I heard was the ever famous it gets easier with time. Here I am two years later and I feel worse. Every time the date changes I feel like another piece of my heart is broken off. In my mind it isn’t “what will I do today” it’s “what will JT miss today” or “what will remind me of JT today” or “will I be able to make it through today”
I’ve done a lot these past two years. Just finished my third year of college last week and hey I even passed math with a B. I’ve seen the Phillies win the NL east, worked for the Eagles, got a job with the Yankees minor league team, taught Cheechy how to walk on a leash, ill be 21 in July, I’ve taught your son many things, I’ve taught myself even more, and I’ve grown tremendously as a person. I’ve made friends, I’ve lost friends, I’ve celebrated holidays, I’ve done so many other things. You’d think I’d just be happy to have been able to do all the things that I’ve done these past two years, and believe me I act like I am, and even a part of me is happy. But what makes it hurt is that all of these things, and everything that will happen in the next how ever many years to me, you wont be here to share it with. It kind of makes everything almost bitter sweet. I think about 21 and how we use to joke about going out and having fun together and I don’t even want it to come. Every other landmark occasion makes this feeling surface. I think about college graduation, my first huge job in sports, my wedding, my own kids. So far away, I know, but the fact that you won’t be here will remain.
I know that you’re watching me. I get it. Every one tells me that you are. But I still want you here. Call me selfish I guess but I do not believe that I should be without you for all of these things. I never thought that I would be and I still can not face the reality that I can not call you and tell you good news or bad news, or any news. I don’t get why you would be taken away from me if you’re the only male figure in my life that I trusted and looked up to. I’ll never get it, not two years from now or 20 years from now, ill never understand why.
Sometimes I think about what you’d say if I called you and told you “hey I got this job” or “I need your help with, whatever problem” Sometimes I don’t know how to deal with the inability to turn to you for help. I’m an awesome pretender though. I’m “so strong” but in reality I couldn’t be any weaker. I just wish it would get easier like I was told it would. I talk to you a lot at night when I can not sleep. It helps but I’ll never know if you truly hear me. I hope you do. You’re really the only person I tell how I feel to, you always were.
My only hope through all of this is that I make you proud. I’ve always tried so hard for your approval. You’ve always accepted me regardless but you being proud of me was something I lived for when I was little. I still do. I wonder what would you do or what would you think. I hope you are able to watch over me and smile because I make you proud. It’s really all that I think about down here. I need you to know that you are my driving force. You have made me so strong willed and determined to succeed and I promise you that I will for both of us. Losing you two years ago was the worst thing that has ever happened to me but it has taught me so much about life. I no longer take anything for granted. I realize that once you lose someone that you love with all of your heart, losing anyone else over an argument or misunderstanding is so minuscule in reality. I learned to express to people that family is everything. If I see or hear brothers and sisters taking each other for granted my automatic reaction is to say “love them while they are here because you never know when they won’t be”
I remember when we were younger you told me “you never know what you have till its gone” it makes so much more sense now. Life really has a way of playing out. Two years ago I never would have thought I’d be writing on a guestbook page for my big brother. I never would have imagined putting cow statues at your grave and praying to you silently at night. It amazes me how everything changed in one day. My life changes every single day but the one thing that never does is that I had the best big brother in this world, I loved him and looked up to him more than anything, and I always will. There isn’t a day that goes by where I don’t say the letters J.T. or the words my brother. I’ll never stop, I can’t. You are my angel and I just want you to know how much I miss you more as everyday goes by.
I love you always,
Jessica
nicole dinardo
February 21, 2008
hey babe, its been a long time.. definatley didnt forget about today, i never will.. happy aniversery i love u and always will.. your son misses and loves you very much.. i hope that you got all our balloons.. on this day seven years ago you changed my life in more ways than one.. your my everything and will always have my heart until we meet in our next lives i love you... nicole
Kristi Hopkins
February 6, 2008
Hey J,
I had a dream about you last night. We sat in front of lockers in GAMP's hallway and laughed for hours. Then you were gone. It was so real it made me cry. I found comfort in this dream though. I know you're ok and I know you are watching over me. You are missed by many. Thank you for being you and for being my friend. XoXo
Eaine Cirillo
December 13, 2007
J
Holidays are so hard without you. I miss everything about you. Just thinking about the mornings that you and I had together at the midtown. I love you with all my heart and I know you are with us all.
Merry Christmas
Always and Forever
Mommy
melissa
December 10, 2007
joe new,
i know its been awhile since i wrote but ihaven't had much putter time.. and alot is going on right now..trying to move in the next 2wks hopefully everything works out.i am ue in about 7wks a girl can you believe it we picked a name natalia sienna..thought you wuld like it.. so neverous about this ..one is hard two is going to kill me haha ..franky and sandy are going to be godparents..wish you could see how franky has grown really turning into a man..paulie is getting so big and learning so much so fast.. everytime he sees a pic of jojo he gets all excited..tey really love each other its so crazy we were so cloe and are kids will be too.. jojo calls him he's cousin paulie its so cute..i miss you so much..there are so many thing i need to tell you..but well talk tonight..i know you'llbe listening i feel it..just wanted to say merry xmas my love we have so many memories..like you decorating my moms tree for the first time...that i could never forget..we'll let me go big baby is hungry..always and forever in my heart and mind......love ya and miss you more than words could explain!!!!!
jessica new
November 13, 2007
i miss you so much..that is all that i can even say right now :(
jessica new
October 24, 2007
It's October 25th. Halloween is one week away...i miss you. I was watching the video of halloween 2005 when jojo was a bat and we video taped the empty street. Theres a part we go back and fourth about you eating all the candy mommy bought to give out while your holding the camera. you just laugh the whole time. I get so sad and torn apart inside when I see it. Hearing your voice and that laugh brings back so many memories that make me smile, and then I come back to reality and I am overcome with sadness when I realize it will be a while until I hear those sounds again for real. The tape is alot of jojo being scared of everything. there's a bunch of parts where you're telling him not to be scared and you just interact with him. it makes me just cry. like i feel like you should be hear to remind him not to be scared this year at halloween and every other day in his life. I feel like I need you here to assure me not to be afraid when i fear things as well.
i'll never know the reason you were taken away. maybe they needed humor or good food up there. i think about it everyday and i remain in disbelief that you are gone. knowing that you are up there to protect me and jojo and mommy makes me feel alot better but please always know that i'd do anything to see your face again, paint the living room again, laugh with you and watch movies again, if only for a second i just miss you and sometimes its so hard to comprehend what's going on. i guess what hurts the most is that i never imagined my life without you in it and now after over a year passing by, i'm starting to really feel like "wow he's really not coming back"
jojo is so big! he's being spiderman for halloween. i tried for batman but he refused. he is such a smart boy. he understands everything that me and mommy talk about and when we ask him how he knew something is response is ALWAYS my daddy taught me that way. He still sees your picture and gets SO excited and he knows where you are and that you love him and that you are protecting him. i will NEVER let him forget..i KNOW that he never will.
anyway, still working for the eagles..no comment on that..i have to start looking for my next co-op for spring summer. hopefully i get something good.
well i'm going to head back to "work" ill write again soon. i love you and i know you'll be around next wed. for halloween.
sleep in peace angel, until the day we meet again, love always and forever, your sister, jessica
p.s. please watch over jon i need him to be okay
Jessica New
October 3, 2007
PHILADELPHIA PHILLIES 2007 NL EAST CHAMPS!
god i wish you were here!! looks like i was right all along! the phills are in POSTSEASON! when's the last time we had October baseball!? I'd do ANYTHING to talk to you right now!
So I know that you know i'm beyond excited about the phillies but I also know you've been watching over me and see how sad I am that you're not here right now. On saturday me and my boyfriend Ian went to the game and sat in a suite behind homeplate. They lost saturday but the walk there was so heartbraking because all i wanted to do was call you and rub it in your face that I was going! haha But I think what hit me hard was the fact that i visited your grave just hours before the game.
Me and Ian went to the cemetery before the game..i felt so sick while ian was out visiting the graves of the loved ones that he lost. I just sat there and had flash backs of the day that I stood there and the priest said all the stuff and I just remember looking around at the trees and not at the stone that didn't have your name carved into it yet. Then we went to your grave and I got out and my knees almost went out. I knelt near your stone and spoke through my tears about how the phills are on the verge of postseason and that mommy was asking for you and said hello. I told you about how glad i am that jojo is back and about ian and how much he means to me. It just makes me so like angry i guess is the word..that you are gone and like i look at all the graves so close to yours and they are people that have lived such long lives and them i see 1982-2006 and i literally fall apart inside..
I miss you so much. I feel like i'm back to how I felt a year ago. Just broken and depressed. I guess it comes and goes. Sometimes I'm so busy and i'll be okay and I'll smile because I know you're watching over me. and other times (like now) I'm so sad and would do anything to talk to you and see your face or hear your voice. I wish I could just have like a 5 min. conversation with you. I just want to see you and tell you I love you and I miss you and that without you I'm broken.
Just please continue to watch over me, i hope I make you proud. I'm trying so hard to get through the days this week. Hopefully it will get better, I think im just a little stuck in being sad. I'll be okay though I have mommy and jojo and ian to help me stay tough and get through it. I miss you angel. I wish you were still living on 11th street with the big screen TV, i'd watch the playoff games sitting next to you eating unheathly food and laughing during commercials at your comments! I LOVE YOU! sleep in peace angel.
GO PHILLIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
love always, and forever, your little sister,
jessica
jessica new
September 10, 2007
so i've tried a million times to sit down and write something to you. I feel like I don't know what to say. I mean you know me, I always have something to say. But right now, I'm just at a loss for words. There are so many things that I want to sit down and tell you. So many times in a single day that i want to call you and hear your voice or reaction to a story. There are times where I want to so bad that I pick up my cell phone and stare at your name, knowing that if I called it'd be pointless. So instead I take deep breaths and tell myself to keep it together. I hope that you are watching me. I hope that my every move makes you proud of me. If you are watching then you already know that I am now an official employee of the philadelphia eagles. I'm working in corporate sales and going to school at night. Drexel doesn't start until the 24th so I've just been working. I know it's going to get harder when classes start but I'm sure I'll be fine. So your little sister works for the Eagles. I can only imagine the things that you would say to me if you were here. I'm thinking something along the lines of 'thats whats up' is what you would say. I know you're watching down and have seen all the amazing things that my job entails and I'm sure your pretty jealous up there that I get to talk to the players.(haha)So hopefully things happen for me and um i own the eagles in a few years. hahaha anyway..
I miss you. Sometimes I can bare it and others, I try to but I can not. Sometimes when I'm alone I look at the pictures of us when we were little and I think to myself that I never in a million years imagined that I wouldn't be growing old with you. I bet you would have looked funny with gray hair. I miss you when something good happens because I want to call you and I want to hear that proud big brother voice that you were so good at. I miss you when something bad happens because you were my safest place to hide. I'd be scared and tell you and then you'd make it okay somehow. Even if you just said "it will be okay" I believed you. I miss you always. And I know that I will forever. Just lately it's been really hard. Maybe because so many things are happening and I just wish I could hear your voice, maybe because I just want you around and would love to laugh at your humor, I don't know exactly why, but I know that without you I'm still so sad and that at night before I go to bed I look up and almost can't breathe because of how empty I feel without you here.
I guess all that I want to say is that i love you and that I hope that you are proud of the things that i am accomplishing. Also, I'd like to thank you for getting me safely to syracuse a few weeks ago. THAT was an interesting trip from 11:30 pm to 3:30 am alone, in the fog, and I've never driven further than king of prussia mall. haha I don't think i was ever that scared driving before. But I talked to you the entire time for 4 hours and just kept asking you to make sure I got home to mommy in one piece! so, thanks! I know you had something to do with my arrival to syracuse and my safe return home!
Everyday that goes by it becomes a little more real that you aren't coming back home. And I now after much needed time understand this. I know that the next time that I see your beautiful face I will be visiting you up there and it comforts my heart to know that it will be you that greets me. I can understand and accept that you will not show up on mildred street. However, that doesn't make it easy, nor does it take away or lessen the pain and heartbrake that I feel inside knowing that I lost my best friend and big brother. You are in my every thought, everyday. I love you,I hope your smiling down on me.
love always and forever, your little sister,
jessica
nicole d
August 19, 2007
hello love,
me and gabe took jojo to the county fair last night.. he had so much fun.. im glad that gabe is getting a chance to spend time with jojo..i love my brother and i always wanted him to have a part in joeys life..i wish that you could've seen him on the rides.. his favorite ride was the big slide that you go down in a potato sack.. he went on that down the shore with bob so thats why he liked it so much..i cant believe how he has adjusted to life out here.. he's doing alot better than i am.. everyone loves him.. im also glad that my dad and karen are spending time with him because they already missed out on the first 3 years of his life..they think that he is the cutest kid.. not because he's mine but anyway..i miss you so much.. i wish that we were doing this together but we dont always get what we want..ok, gotta go but i love you and ill write again soon.. with all my love.... nicole
nicole dinardo
August 19, 2007
hey its me again..so things are starting to look up..at least i have to beleive that cause if not ill go nuts..there's a few things that your mom has in the works and hopefully it'll work out..at least me and jojo will be able to benifit from it in the future..i thank god every day that i have your mom in my life because she keeps be sane..she is always so positive, just when im ready to give up, she is on the other side routing for me to go further..i love her as if she was my own mother..you were very lucky to have her..you always said that she was your best friend..anyway just wanted to say hi and i hope to see you in my dreams..love you always, nicole
nicole
August 16, 2007
so its going on one month that ive been out here and i really dont like it..me and you always talked about coming out here, and being here makes me think of how it would be if you were with me.. i would probably like it better if you were here..as long as you were with me i would do or learn to like anything..since you have been gone i cant find myself..i thought moving out here would be the answer but its not because all i wanna do is come back home..when people say that there other half completes them they are telling the truth..you completed me, you made me better as my partner, my best friend, and my confidant.. when you left me, a part of me went with you.. i hope that one day i could be the same as i used to..i wish that i could be as strong as i used to be..i think of you every day..no matter what situation im in i think how it would be if you were here..maybe one day ill be able to love again i dont know.. what i do know is that i miss you more than i could ever write or think or say..its unconditional and it'll never go away..just when i think i get passed it and i can move on somthing always bring me back..maybe ineed to stop thinking what was supposed to be..anyway i love you and i pray everyday that you could give me some hope and encouragement..i love you always, nicole
Jessica Selvaggi
August 8, 2007
Joey, i miss you a lot..i havent wrote to you in a while but, i ALWAYS think of you....i guess youu already know how many times i look up and say "things would be better if you were here" because it's the truth. when JoJo lived in philly every time he would pass tghe old apartment he would say "daddy's house!"..he would never forget you! i miss him a lot also but he seems to be having a good time. Im just letting you know that you will be hearing from me more..you were ALWAYS good to me__i have been with melissa a lot and helping her with the baby..i really cant believe he is going to be one! but every time im there i think of jojo when he was that age, and how you always made him laugh__i miss you joe, we all do..
melissa
August 6, 2007
joe new,
i miss you so much its crazy.. i cann't believe the paulie is turning one already we are having a coffe and cake for him ...haha know you love coffe and cake..i know you will be there watching over him..i went to the doctors the other day the baby is growing well maybe in the next month or 2 i will find out what it is..i was talking to jojo the other day..he loves you and misses you so much.. i hope you know that..i will keep telling him stories about you until..i cann't talk no more..you are so special i tell you more things than i do people who are still with me..i still cann't believe that i am writing to you instead of talking..nicole gave me your box and this i will cherish and use always..and yes its clean and neat i promise..well i have to go getting ready to eat i will talk soon...love ya always
always and forever in my heart and mind.
Kristi Hopkins
July 26, 2007
Joe,
I was thinking about you yesterday. I was thinking about all of the laughs we shared and how you always had the answers. I just want you to know you are truly missed. It hard for me to put into words how I feel but I'm sure you already know. You will always hold a special place in my heart, and most of my favorite childhood memories involve you in some way, shape or form. I just wanted to say hi!
Until we meet again...
melissa
June 29, 2007
joe new,
happy birthday love..i love you and miss you so much..i'm 3 months and due in feb..know your watching over us because i am still holding on strong..i tell paulie jr and now my unborn about you almost everyday..i want them to know everthing about you even thow your not here with us..the simpsons movie is coming out soon..i cann't wait to see it..i will probably brake down as i watch it..but thats ok when i watch things like that i feel your presence..and that is exactlly what i need right now..iam facing alot of things right now and i know that your with me.. well i have to go..will right again soon..always and forever in my heart and mine..
p.s. my mom said happy birthday
jessica new
June 28, 2007
Happy 25th Birthday Angel..
Today is your birthday. I know I say it all the time but i seriously have no words to describe how i've been feeling the past week or so. I know you're up there and you know why I've been crying. I know that I don't have to write it here for you to understand how heartbroken I am inside. I also know that if I wrote how i really feel about the situation the guestbook wouldnt post it. So i'll keep it clean and just say this: KEEP ME STRONG J. please if theres nothing else in this entire world, keep me strong. because i'm losing myself. After all of the turmoil and crazy stuff we've overcame i'm finally starting to buckle at the knees a little bit. Its so draining to be so sad so i smile and i laugh and then i go home and it's like an explosion of so much stuff. I love you and i hope that everything that is about to happen is the right thing. I just have to breathe and believe in my heart that you are guiding everything in the right direction.
News: I'm in the process of obtaining a fall internship with the phantoms. The guy is SO nice. Hes the marketing executive and he's up there in comcast spectacor. Which we both know if you have an in with them the possibilities are almost endless. So there's some good news. I meet with him july 10th again and he said he's willing to work around my school schedule! So hopefully this is the beginning of a new chapter in life. One with not so many sad pages and tears.One more happy and less dramatic because i seriously can't take anymore of the sad pages. So wish me luck!I hope you are proud of me.
There's so many things that i'd like to write. I'm sitting here biting my tounge. I have writers block. I'll return when I gather my thoughts. Just wishing you a happy birthday. I'm going to buy you a balloon on lunch break. So look for it up there :) I LOVE YOU WITH ALL MY HEART.
until we meet again one day,
your sister,
jessica
melissa
June 20, 2007
joe new,
i know its been a while since i wrote but i rearly have time to get on the putter anymore.i miss you so much .paulie jr is getting so big you must be watching over him cause he is a ball braker already. haha. joey loves him i had him over night last weekend they played till 10 oclocl till they both passed out..i love watching them to together. they are going to rule the streets.haha
i have some news i am expecting another one i am about 2 months or so.i really need you to guide me threw this ..i must be out of my mind paulie jr is only 10 months and i'm going to have another one. but i know your watching over me and will guide me threw this.. you always were my rock and always will be.well i finally get a minute to write and the baby is waking up.. will right again soon i promise..but well talk we always do.
:) always and forever in my heart and mind :(
jessica new
June 14, 2007
J,
It's been a while since i've been able to bring myself to write. I have so much going on inside of me that I really can't even find words to explain it to you. It's june 14th. One year, and a day away from 2 months since you were taken from me. I'm faced with like this struggle. I feel like everyone forgot except for me and mommy. Everyday when I get home from a busy day of work I go home and read the book mommy told me to read when you passed. It comforts my heart more than anything in this world. I always read it and hold your chain that they gave me right after they took you away. And then i usually fall asleep because reality becomes to overbearing.
I still miss you every second of everyday. Although the pain may have come and went for others, everyday that i wake up without you I hurt a little more inside. I really don't ever think that my heart will be whole again. It really is the weirdest feeling..it's as if i can feel a break, a crack right down the center of my heart.
I cannot explain to you how happy and proud you would be of your little boy. He is truly an angel and a gift sent from god to myself and mommy. It never fails to amaze me how i could be having the worst of days and the darkest rain cloud following me and i see that face and my skys clear up instantly. He is so precious and honestly he his hilarious. When I say a spitting image of you it's an under statement, its amazing. He's potty trained like a pro, he's so happy and upbeat and carefree that when i watch him and the way that he has not a worry in the world, i wish i was just like him. Able to let go and just not hurt. I guess when you grow up though hurt is something that you are forced to live with and face. I understand this, however i wish this hurt was not inflicted on mommy. She is my world and to see her in pain makes me even more heartbroken.
Losing you has made me so strong and able to accept the obstacles that life throws my way. I'd do anything to have you back with me, but i know that i will forever be blessed with you as my angel and that keeps me content. I also read a book that explained what it's like when you arrive in heaven. It made me feel amazing reading what it may be like when I leave this place. And the very thought of you standing there to greet me is the reason that i wake up each day. I love you.
I've been working two jobs and faithfully going to the gym with a trainer everyday. It really keeps me busy and overall healthy. Apparently the cereal thing you always made fun of me for was not to healthy for me. I feel great healthwise, just brokenhearted.
Your birthday is commin up in 14 days. You would have been 25 years old on the 28th. Im still unable to grasp how you were gone at 23. I'll never understand it. I'll be 20 in a month and you won't be here to make me a huge fruit salad in replace of a cake. Also fathers day is this weekend. It hurts so much to think that this little 3 year old angel had the best dad in the entire world and you are not here. He will still honor you though and send you balloons, he always does. He loves you and he'll never ever forget you..neither will I.
Well I've rambled and made no sense, but i feel much better getting out just a tiny bit of the mixed emotions that stir through my body and mind all day and night long. I'll talk to you tonight just as I always have and will continue to do forever. Please watch over me and help me stay grounded for mommy. I'll see you in my dreams angel.
until the day we meet again, I love you always and forever,your sister,
jessica
elaine cirillo
May 27, 2007
J,
When tears roll down my cheek and reach my heart it comforts me because those tears form a pillow for my broken heart to rest on. I miss you... Until we meet again rest peacefully in God's arms.
Love Mommy
jessica new
April 15, 2007
April 15, 2007,
Time goes by so incredibly fast. It amazes me. Three hundred and sixty five. That’s the only number that I know today. Three hundred and sixty five days since you’ve been gone, Three hundred and sixty five nights I’ve cried myself to sleep, Three hundred and sixty five days I’ve spent thinking about you, Three hundred and sixty five days I’ve spent missing you, and Three hundred and sixty five days closer to seeing your face one day when we meet again in heaven. I knew today was going to be almost unbearable for me to get through but I could never have anticipated the broken feeling that I feel so deeply today in my heart. I always heard the phrase “a broken heart” but I never actually thought you could feel one. I did today when I spoke to mommy on the phone. Complete and utter brokenness in my heart. I literally felt it.
I was on a business trip all weekend in various cities in Maryland. I counted the hours until I’d be back home with mommy because I knew her face was the only one I wanted to see that would help me to cope and feel better. Last night we stayed at the Sheridan Hotel. I laid there in this huge bed in this great hotel and literally cried myself to sleep. My pillow was soaked and I just spoke to you silently. I thought that since my night was so hard to sleep through that today I would be better able to grasp the concept that it is the one year “anniversary” of your death. I don’t like to say anniversary because I feel like it’s a happy word and that is not at all an emotion that I feel or will ever feel for the rest of my life on April 15. However, today I woke up at 5am for work and I looked at my phone and I saw the date and I got chills down my spine. I felt like I was sick to my stomach and had flashbacks of the scenes that I saw a year ago on this horrible day. This is so hard for me. I don’t even think anyone knows how much I am hurting today. I really don’t let it show too much. Last night at dinner my new boss said that she can tell I’m tough and strong and not a crier when we were talking about employees crying. I thought to myself if she only knew what a mess I was at night and how weak and vulnerable I become when I lay in your room and talk to the ceiling.
J, I miss you more than I can handle today. I see your face in my every thought. I just can’t keep myself together. I’ll never forget what happened to me a year ago. I lost my best friend, protector, mentor, role model, and big brother all at once. You were so much to me and I don’t even know if you even ever really knew it. I keep giving myself this insane pep talk today. I try to force myself to think about the millions of happy memories we’ve shared together and the thought that you are at peace and in a better place and that I’m so blessed to have a guardian angel. I keep telling myself to stay strong and suck it up for mommy and jojo. I keep telling myself that this will get easier and that I will be okay. But when it all comes down to it I’m asking too much of myself. I’m killing myself to stay strong and its only hurting me more. I know that it is okay to miss you, and I know that today especially is expected to be a hard one to get through. But sometimes I’m so hard on myself when it comes to allowing me to be sad. I’m trying desperately to find a center. A balance between overly sad and pretending to be too happy. Regardless, no matter what balance I find I will still remain completely broken.
I love you so much and after an entire year it hasn’t gotten one bit easier to live without you. I continue to miss your smile and your laugh and your jokes. I miss our conversations and your movie reviews. Most of all I miss watching you be the best dad in the entire world to the most precious little boy I’ve ever seen. I miss every aspect of life without you in it. Please for the next however many years I am on this earth, watch over me and help hold me up at the times where I am too weak to stand alone. Please know that when you left this earth you took an incredibly huge part of my heart and soul with you. Also know that I will forever cherish every second that you were in my life and I will continue to tell you’re story to your son for as long as I live. I long for the day where I will meet you again at those gates. Until that sweet day I will spend the next three hundred and sixty five days and all the days after for the rest of my life missing you and keeping your memory alive. Who knows, maybe one day this will become easier to understand, and it may become easier to breathe, but I can guarantee that it will NEVER be easy. And every year on this particular day I will hurt a little more, cry a little more, think about you a little more, and miss you a little more. I love you always Angel.
Your sister,
Jessica
ELAINE CIRILLO
April 4, 2007
My Beloved Son
It's almost one year since God called you home. You were not alone that day. A part of me has gone with you. Until we meet again Rest Peacefully in God's arms.
Always in my heart..LOVE MOMMY
jessica new
April 1, 2007
J,
Its april 1st. In 14 days it will be one year since the worst day of my entire life. Im so scared of that day that it makes me get sick inside. Today I took mommy and we visited your grave. it was really hard for me. Jacqui put a little baby duck for you. She always visits you and leaves you stuff. Somehow i managed to get there without getting lost at all. Mommy got you flowers and stuck them into the ground for you. I know that you have noticed that the cemetery is a very hard place for me to go and that I do it very little. It's because of the way that I feel when I first get there. Like i pulled up and I saw your name etched into the stone and mommy got out of the car and I had to coach myself to breathe. Then I get out of the car and I feel like someone is choking me and I can't swallow..
Mommy stood with you and I took a walk around the entire cemetry to get myself together and breathe and tell myself to be strong. I walked around and I looked at all the stones and I saw all of these dates of older people who lived to be 80 to 90 years old and I just couldnt fathom how you could be gone at 23 years old. As I took my walk I looked back at mommy. She was sitting on the grass touching your stone just sitting there. I lost it J. I can't understand why I am faced with the unbearable sight of seeing mommy who i love more than life itself sitting there at her sons, my brothers grave, so heartbroken and sad. It killed me inside.
I finally approached mommy and stood at your headstone. Mommy must have known i needed some time because she went in the car. I sat with you and I talked well tried to talk through the tears. I just cant grasp the fact that i was sitting there over the ashes of my best friend and mentors body. I talked to you and I asked you for a sign that you heard what I said and that you are happy and watching over me. I asked you to make mommy feel better someway somehow. Sure enough when I opened the door of the car a little wish flower thing floated right into the door and landed right in mommys hand. I felt that that was your way of assuring me you had heard me. We went and got you a cow for your grave. I have to go back and put it there. After today I realize that going there, even though i have trouble at the start, is the best thing that I can do. Because i feel amazing having been able to talk to you and sit there under the tree with you. I know that you are and always will be right in my heart and that I dont have to visit a stone to feel close to or talk to you, but it just gave me a sense of security being there and seeing your name, that same security that I always felt my whole life knowing that you were here to protect me as my big brother.
I love you J. I can't say it enough. I don't think that I will ever be able to fully express in any way, shape or form the feelings that stir in my body and my mind about you and the way that things have happened. I try so hard to stay positive and I have grown so much but I just want you back..thats all I want. Id give up anything in this world to just hang out with you and laugh. The other day I was talking to mommy about the DVR thing on the TV and she deletes american idol but not the 900 blues clues shows and I did that thing that you ALWAYS did when you made fun of her..where you put your hands up and shake them and make that face..i did it without even thinking and after the fact i was like OH MY GOD! im like a mini JT! it was so weird. When i think about it i do SOOO many things just like you. I miss you so much when something good happens and I miss you even more when something bad happens because you always gave me the comfort I needed to feel safe and feel that i'll be okay. I miss you when I wake up and when I go to sleep and pretty much every second in between. I miss you ALWAYS, I love you ALWAYS.
I know this is so long but Im not done! This guestbook expires on April 19th and i dont know what I will do if we cant renew it. This thing helps me so much its insane. Im trying to save up the $79 to keep it maintained but im pretty poor. I took a trip to New York last week and first place i went, of course, was the ESPN zone! it was like heaven for me! haha I played games all day. Then I went to toysrus and rode the ferris wheel because Im 20 and that sounds like something a 20 year old college student and her friends should be doing! haha It was so fun though! OPENING DAY IS TOMMORROW! you KNOW im excited. you know how much I love working there and just being around baseball. The last conversation we had was actually you calling me at work and asking if we had any left over schmitters for you. We didn't have any left..but i would make you 9 million if you were here! My grades from Winter term came in! check this out! 2 A+'s 2 A's and a C+(ugh economics)! Thats right! Be pround of the little sister! Brag about me up there! I start Co-Op on wednesday. It's a lot of traveling. I get to stay in baltimore harbor to work and stuff so it should be cool. However, I do have to go away on the 15th which is something that I didn't want to do. I want to be here for mommy that day. I guess staying busy would be beneficial to me but I don't think anything will be able to distract me from the replay of that day on that actual day. Other then that im really looking forward to starting work on Co-Op and i cant wait for the baseball season to officially start!
Angel, please continue to keep me grounded and give me the strength that you've already given me for this extremely difficult year without you. I know deep down inside that the only reason why i go on and keep my head up is the thought that I will see you again someday. That and Mommy, she's my whole world, she's really all i have. I'm pretty much obsessed with her as they tell me at school haha. But who wouldn't be!? She's amazing I know that you agree! Anyway, This entry is so long! Like i said Im gonna save every penny to keep this thing up because I feel so much better having rambled on for so long. I wish papers for school were this easy haha I love you so much! Watch over me always and forever. I hope you are proud of me! I LOVE YOU always, until we meet again,
your sister,
Jessica
jessica new
March 19, 2007
J,
12 am on monday morning march 19th. it's finals week and im seriously losing it. i'm so stressed out and i've been thinking about you alot lately. the 11th month mark has come and gone..i know that in less than one month that day is going to come again. that day that i fear, april 15th. i'm almost scared to wake up that day. I can't believe its been this long without you. It feels like yesterday. Maybe its because i relive that day over and over every single day. I just get scared that this is never going to stop. this constant replay of that day. I often wonder when im "suppose" to stop crying because i still haven't.
I took jojo to drexel. my friends all loved him! i took him to modells and got him a t-ball set and a new soccer ball and cute little sneakers. We played on the big drexel field because it was so nice out. He loved it. He's pretty good with the soccer ball but you KNOW i'm gonna have him playing short stop. haha then we all took him to chikfila and ritas for ice cream. we were driving to ritas from chikfila and he is in the back seat and he goes jess and i said yea and he goes i love you. I almost cried it was so cute! hes so big and so beautiful and i LOVED spending the entire day with him. I want to start playing ball with him every week and have a day where me and him hang out every week. After this week i'm done school until the last day of september! but i have to work two jobs! i plan on spending A LOT of time with jojo.
i just wanted to tell you that i've been thinking about you, i needed a break from economics..J, i love you so much and not a day goes by where I dont remember you and miss you. i love you always angel watch over me
jessica
Jessica New
February 17, 2007
Angel,
I miss you so much. Today is the 17th of February. This time last year you were here on earth and we were together. This year you're in heaven and we are apart. I've been thinking about you a lot lately. Last night I was at a party and in a conversation someone asked me if I had any older brothers. Although they were unaware of the situation I became so mad and I just walked to the bathroom and cried for a few minutes. I needed that time to get myself together. Things like that make me so upset and I don't know why. Anyway, I left the bathroom and in so many words said that I had the best older brother in the world but I have to wait a little bit until it's my time to meet him again. i love you J.
BIG NEWS! Remember Miami Ink? the TLC tv show about the tattoo parlor? It's my favorite show and one day I sent in an application to be on the show just messing around. Anyway, they kept moving me to the next round and they picked me to be on! So i'm going to be on Miami Ink! and my story is about you and about our life. The tattoo is a rose growing from concrete just like tupacs poem book. It symbolizes that no matter where you come from, what goes on around you, no matter how bad the odds are against you, no matter what adversity or life changing events you might be forced to go through, you can still grow to be strong and beautiful...just like a rose that can manage to grow from somewhere like concrete. I'm getting a Hybrid Tea rose which means "i'll remember always" because I'll always remember you and everything else that I've gone through that's made me so strong. I want the color of the rose to be orange because an orange rose represents life and enthusiasm and because orange roses are said to brighten up the atmosphere with inspiration. There's a lot more detail but basically theres just a lot of meaning to it. It'll be my last tattoo. I wish you were here to come with me! But I know you'll be there with me anyway. I'm excited! and i know you would be to!
So, thats my news for today. I got a 99 on my last midterm, figured you'd be proud of that. And I'm getting 98s and 99s on my presentations and papers. Basically, school is going wonderful. I found some of the best friends a person could ever ask for there. Just like you always said. Speaking of friends, I haven't seen Melissa and Paulie and that precious baby paul in a while. I miss them. But I dont have a car at all because bob is fixing it and my midterms are taking up a lot of my time. I have to get around there soon and see him he makes me so happy.
I love you J. A lot of the time i think about that day and how much my life changed and its amazes me. Like my entire life changed in a single second with a single phone call. It really goes to show that you never know what's going to happen and that you really should cherish every single person in your life because you never know when they'll be gone. I feel like I never got to say goodbye. I know at the funeral I was the last to talk and kiss you but I mean I never got to say goodbye when you were here. Our last conversation was just like "okay cya" and I don't remember if I said I love you but I think about it all the time. I know i can't beat myself up over it but i just hope you know that every second that you were here with me I am thankful for. And even though I didnt get to say goodbye the way I wish I could have i know that you know you were and still are a huge inspiration to me, my best friend, and my shelter when our lives got stormy. I miss you more every single day and I wish that you were here to do things like miami ink, or even take a walk, or talk about sports, anything I just wish you were here. I realize no matter how much i wish i can't bring you back, but i can't help it. Please continue to be my guiding light and help me. i wake up everyday with the goal to do something that you'd be proud of me for on my mind. Hopefully i've succeeded in doing so. I love you angel, always. Until we meet again,
love your sister,
jessica
melissa
February 5, 2007
joe new,
i thought news years would of been ok because i wasn't home.. i was on the road on my to florida.. but at 1200 all i could do was think of you we should of been together..but there was nothing i could do just look like i was ok...we had a good time while we were away the baby was swimming in pool playing in the hamike...he loved to swim.. he changed so much in one month ..he rolls over holds his own bottle even gives kisses and hugs its so cute.. jojo seen him foe the first time since we got home he was so excited...they already started there mischief.. the baby likes to pull my moms hair everytime he did jojo did it was so cute.. i'm going to take the baby to your moms one day this week..i know she wants to see him..i've just been so crazy since i got home ...i miss you so much ...the baby loves the toys your sister bought him the cow is his favorite..i tell him about and his other uncle joey all the time... you know how they say kids can see things we cann't..i'm starting to believe it most of the time when im teling the baby about you or joey he stares like he sees...its so wierd i know you are with us because acouple times on the road things got scarey but we pulled threw i feel that was because of you.. well i have to get the baby ready to go to pattys he goes every monday ..i will right soon ..sorry i don't write more hard to get putter time with the baby..but well talk tonight thast for sure...always and forever in my heart and mind .....love ya lots miss ya more
jessica new
February 3, 2007
J,
time is flying by. i can't understand how it is already february and im a sophomore in college. i can't like grasp the fact that time is moving so fastly just like everyone tells you when you're a little kid everyone says enjoy being so young because once you're done high school time flys by. thats no joke it really does. i've been a little apprehensive about growing up lately. i get overwhelmed because im not sure wat i want to be and what my purpose is here. this time thing has been freaking me out lately, i've been trying to have as much fun as possible while staying focused on school. i can't help but wonder what it would be like if you were still here. i'm willing to accept that im growing up but find that i have so much trouble accepting that im growing up without you here with me. i want your advice and to share everything that happens to me with you just as i always have. and although i know that i can still do so, i know that you can not answer me and it sometimes becomes unbearable to understand. i cry alot..when im alone so that no one sees that i am weak. it helps to just let it out and talk to you but sometimes i just can't handle it.
so the boyfriend its over. oh well, as mommy likes to sing another one bites the dust. i always tell people that losing you has made me so strong and so able to accept and overcome hurt and pain. losing the most important person in my life forever makes losing a friend or a boyfriend or anything for that matter seem microscopic to me. everyone asks how i do it and i tell them ive become a master at goodbyes.
So, i'm co-oping with brians mom at an advertising agency and im still working the phillies(of course) I might be going to disney world the first week of july! but if not then im most definate going sometime this fall comming up. I wish you were here to come. I remember you said we can take jojo! and now its like you wont be there with me to experience the only thing in the whole world that i ever wanted to do since i was 3 go to disney for the first time! but i know you'll be watching me, you always are.
I've been doing pretty well in school i LOVE psychology. it's my minor. the superbowl is tomorrow GO COLTS! (you know im a payton fan..
J, i never stop thinking about you for a single second. I can't and i dont think i ever will. I utter your name and i tell a story about you at LEAST 7 times a day. everyone i come in contact with just feels the admiration that i have for you, admiration that i've have my entire life before you were gone. I think about you in everything that i do and i try so hard to be strong and smile. I feel like if someone actually took the time and took a good look at me they'd understand that my smile is out of place and that if they'd look really close, close enough, they could see the tracks of my tears. its been 10 of the most emotional and hardest months of my entire life, and i feel that it does not get easier with time.i love you so much and this time going by so fast thing, it makes me scared but i am content because i know everyday is just one day closer to the day that we meet again in heaven. okay well i can go on for days, as you can tell i always write you novels..i'm going to get ready to go out to dinner. i love you angel watch over me. until we meet again,
your sister,
jessica
Jessica New
December 30, 2006
Starting a New Year Without You..
It's the day before new years eve. I've been reflecting on the year 2006 a lot these past couple of days. 2006 was the hardest year of my entire life. A year i'll never forget. It almost feels like it has to be a dream that I will be starting 2007 without you here with me. I always believed we'd be toasting to 2020 together. I can only hope that with this new year comes more positive than negative, more ups than downs. I miss you so much. I finally saw my final grades for my fall term. Not to bad,i passed math! couple B+'s and 2 A's. Still room for improvement. I hope you're proud of me up there. I think about you every single time i make a decision. I wonder what would my brother do if he were here? and then I act accordingly. i feel like you help guide me in the right direction. The thought of you watching over me really helps ease the pain I feel in my heart.
Christmas has come and gone. It was probally the hardest one ever. I just didn't have it in me this year. I spent christmas eve wandering off to the bathroom because I couldn't hold it together and didn't want mommy to see me crying. I tried so hard to be strong for her. Christmas day I didn't want to get out of bed. All i thought about is how we would line up at the top of the steps and take turns every year going down the steps first. I wound up getting out of bed late in the afternoon. I came downstairs to see the most adorable little baby ever baby paul. That kid lit up my whole christmas. he smiles and it's like nothings wrong. just like jojo does. I look at paul and I do get a little upset because you didnt get to meet him, you didnt get to see him smile or watch him open his presents. HIs presents had a theme. They were all the toys that JoJo had that were your favorite. I bought baby paul the alphabet ball, the learning puppy, this cow that giggles, and some eagles pj's. all things that uncle joey would have loved to given him. I'll tell him about you when he's older.
Later on in the day JoJo came over. He opened all his 900 gifts. He's so cute! he loved his big go cart and his gold blues clues notebook. I got him so much stuff, but he loved this car racing thing where the cars ride on the track when you hold the trigger and you race someone. He made me play the racing game for hours. Mommy and bob went to visit his sister and just me and jojo were home. We played with all his toys and during that time I just looked at him and saw you. He is a spitting image of you. I thought about how the day after he would be turning 3 years old and how you aren't here for it. I wish you were. He's so big, he talks a lot, and he misses you. When i pick him up from daycare the first thing he does is kiss my charm of you and when he's in my car he knows that the football decal says your name. He loves you and not a day will go by in his life where i don't remind him of how very much you loved him with all of your heart and soul and what an outstanding father you were. I will assure him that you are up there watching over us all.
I love you angel, this new year i am sure will bring better luck than the last, well at least I can hope so. just know that this year and the next and the next and every one there after for the rest of my life I will miss and love you always. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't say your name, picture your face, and wish that you were here with me. It's so hard here without you.
I love you, until we meet again,
Jessica
Jessica New
December 23, 2006
Angel,
It's the day before Christmas Eve. Needless to say I once again find myself heartbroken and overwhelmed with thoughts of you. It's so strange that I don't have a gift with your name on it. I miss you so much. Christmas reminds me of when we were little. I'll always remember the way that I saw you through my eyes. So big and powerful and strong. I swore nothing or no one could ever hurt you. I wanted to be just like you so smart and talented. I tried to cook potato cakes this morning. I cried as I cooked them just because I remember when mommy worked at the hospital at night. and everynight you'd make potato cakes. I'd be in my room and just smell them and then I'd come downstairs and watch you play video games and eat potato cakes. Somedays it's so hard for me J. It's like ill make plans to do something or i'll be on my way out the door and I'll just stop in my tracks and wind up falling asleep as I stare at all the pictures of you on my wall. I miss your smile most of all. I miss making you laugh. I felt accomplished when I got you to laugh because I thought you were the funniest person in the world. This holiday season has been so strange for me. One day I'm happy and excited, the next I feel like the grinch. I just want to wake up and it be April 5 or something. and I want to call you and go to the doctors with you and make sure that on the 15th everything is the same and your here and we're together and jojo has his daddy and I have my brother. But it's not going to happen, instead I live that day over and over in my head so many times in a day. I don't get why people say its so much easier with time. I don't find that it is. I feel like the more time that goes by the more I remember all the little things we've done, all the things you've said, everything you've taught me. Sometimes i'll be in the middle of a sentence and I just pause because it's insane how much I sound like you sometimes(not that my voice is deep, but the expression is a replica of yours)I feel so lost because thanksgiving was so hard and now i know that on monday I have to do it all again. You won't be here for dinner or to see the gifts I got for jojo.I don't know I know im rambling but sometimes you're th only one that listens. I hope you have a Merry Christmas in heaven. I hope that you are here with us on Christmas Eve and Christmas morning. I hope that you are able to help give me strength to make it through these next couple of days without you. You know every year I've had a list of things that I wanted for Christmas, this year I had not a single gift listed(except disney world which we know will not happen!). I wound up asking for a ring in your memory. It has the birthstones of June(your birth) and April(the beginning of your new life in heaven) and inscribed on it is My Brother, My Angel. I'm sure it will be beautiful when it gets here but still it isn't what I want. Really, all i want is something that no one in this world can give me, no one except you..J, please all that I want more than anything in this world is to know that you are in a better place. I just want a sign, a sudden feeling, something only I would know..just something to put my mind at ease. I am sure that you are in a better place I was raised to believe that you are, i just want a sign, so many of our friends recieved signs from you and i havent yet. I'm told it's because im still so sad but i assure you I will try with every bone in my body to just relax and accept a sign from you that you are watching over me. That's all I want. If I had that and nothing else this christmas, I'd still be the most thankful person ever. However, if it doesn't happen this Christmas, I am still so very thankful. Thankful to have known you, love you, and thankful that you are my angel for the rest of my life. I will wait forever for a special sign that you are around, I'm sure I'll get one when the time is right. I will think about you and all of the memories we have shared together for the 18 Christmas's you were here. You will be in my heart and soul every second on Christmas day, and everyday for as long as I live.
Until We Meet Again, I Love You J, Merry Christmas,
Jessica
Elaine Cirillo
December 22, 2006
J,
The holidays are here and it's a very difficult time for me. I always loved buying presents for you. You were so easy to please. I'll never forget the jacket I got you last year,you loved it so much. Remember the Jerome Brown jersey I bought you? You loved it even though it wasn't the real thing.
We decorated your grave the other day, I hope you liked it. The other day I told you what I wanted for Christmas,please give it to me in some way. I also told you about the worries and concerns that are bothering me,erase them from my mind and watch over all of us.
Jo Jo is amazing, he is talking so well now, We got him a Little go-cart for Christmas. I'm sure he will love it. Merry Christmas in heaven my son.. Forever in my heart..Love Always Mommy
melissa
December 13, 2006
joe new,
i have been thing of you alot with the holidays,the christening and all.jojo was so cute at the christening , he was talking so loud and nicole told him to whisper because he was in gods house, but he said it was your house and just keep on talkin it was so cute..i know you were there with us because we all made it threw..it wouldn't have happened without you watching over us..you would be so proud of jess she is growning into a great women..she has learned alot from you..she treats jojo and paulie just like you would its so crazy, the ways you really are alike.. i realize it more now than ever..she is so sweet, strong and caring,but this you already know she is your sister...hahaha i went to the doctors last week and they told me i had a mass on my ovary..i was so scared still am have to go back dec 26th to have it checked again..that night while i was laying in the hospital i called your phone knowing no one would answer.. but it made me feel better.cause i always called you to talk..so thats what i did..i know you heard me i felt it.. you are with us always ..this i know.but things are really changing now..and i don't know how to except it.. i'm sure you know what i'm talking about..please let me know things are ok cause i'm not really sure..somethings i just cann't except but it would be easer if i had you to tell me it was all good..i love you and miss you so much..theres so many things i need to tell you..and want you to know..like at the babys christening party..i knew you were there cause the cabinets wouldn't stay closed..and we all know that was you..but i really wanted to see you there.. i just keep thinking you were with paulie playin xbox..as you should of been.seeing jess with paulie is amazing he loves her he lites up as soon as he sees her.. she has got her hands full between him and jojo ther going to drive her nuts..jojo always wants to be with her..he tells him he'll take baby paul to mom mom E. i told him he was to small to take him by himself.. he told me no with aunt jess..it was so cute.. he does everything with the baby i even let him feed him the other day..it was so cute.. when he crys jojo tells him no cry baby paul.. we'll theres much more i would like to tell you but the baby is getting cranky..i'll talk to you 2night again...always and forever in my heart and mind......joe new i truly love you..till we meet again watch over me i need your guidence.
Jessica New
November 29, 2006
J,
You have no idea how bad I wish I could talk to you today! First, Thanksgiving was harder than I thought it would be to get through. I didn't eat. I ate 2 biskets and a scoop of regular mashed potatos. I felt so bad but the sweet potatos didn't come out right. I went upstairs and cried. But I felt bad for Mommy because I knew she knew that that's the reason I woke up that morning. After dinner, between dinner and going to grandma's house I just sat in my room and I cried. I thought about how if you were here we'd be downstairs talking and laughing about something. JoJo and nicole came late so we didn't eat with them but jojo ate so much cake and pie at grandmas!
Mcnabb is done for the season. Looks like another year of upset for us. But don't you worry we still have those phillies!(i always told you every year they were gonna win the world series..or at least get there)
So the BIG NEWS! I got the job of my dreams today! Drexel has that co-op thing that you always asked about, and I requested an interview with a huge Marketing Advertising company that has clients like the nets, 6ers, phillies, hilton hotel, rangers, baltimore, cruise lines, and the only place in the entire world that i've dreamed about visiting since i was 3 DISNEY WORLD! So I went for my interview and he wants me not only to do Co-op in spring summer, but to start part-time right away! So I have to go Friday again! It is paid too. When I am full time in the spring summer for co-op I will bring in anywhere from 800 to 1000 dollars! that's alot of money for me! I was so excited the first thing I wanted to do was call you and hear you say that's whats up. Then I got sad because I was reminded that in times like this where I am so happy and excited about something I can not call you. But I talked to you. I talked to you before the interview and then after when I got home. So I know you heard me.
Baby Paul's christening is this Sunday! I am so excited. However, I am disappointed that I haven't been able to see him. School has been so demanding with finals being next week. I go up there some nights and work on projects and papers until 4 am. I can't wait until Christmas break so i can hang out with him! And i can't wait till he's older and get him everything he asks for just like i do jojo. You know me I love babies when they are bad and talk and get into everything! Me Melissa and Paulie went to this meeting.You should have heard all of the questions Paulie answered. It was funny he was leading the whole room of people in getting answers right. I sat there in the room and could hear your laugh so clearly in my head whenever paulie said something funny.
Christmas is comming. Me and Chalie put up our tree on Saturday. I go shopping and I'm like still looking around for presents for you even though I know you are not here. It's so weird and I get really sad. I know that in going through thanksgiving Christmas will also be a struggle. It is so funny I ask jojo what he wants and he points to everything in the paper.this and this and this and this. he says jessica buy me birthday presents. Everytime we ask him wat he wants he says jessica will buy it. He's so cute. He slept here the other night and he woke up and turned on Cars. He loves that movie. No one can believe the way that he knows how to work the entire tv. He turns on the big screen, goes to the dvd player turns is on gets the dvd puts it in get the remote presses play and they sits down. Its amazing how smart he is. And when he is done(after watching it 7 times) he takes it out and puts it in the case. Its so cute!
Anyway, I'm rambling I can write to you for days. I just wish you were here to share in my excitement! I love you SO much and I miss you more and more every single day. Watch Over Me angel! I hope i make you proud
Love Always and FOrever,
Jessica
paulie
November 27, 2006
4am....funny how the more things change,the more they stay the same right? I think about how it was supposed to be...me,you,our kids....after my brother died man you were all I had..not like our girls or our family but different,like the bond Ive only had once before,with my brother. Its funny how me and triv have been hangin so much since all this cause I know he actually understands both ends of what I feel,he lost a best friend/brother and we can sorta just talk about these things sometimes without really ever saying the words...sounds familiar huh? Babies christening coming up,really glad your sister was into this,triv mad hype about it which makes me happy cause I know you were...in my heart I know you understand...hell we dont explain ourselves right,lol. I dont see the baby as much as I would like but its my fault, I always drive past your moms street and wanna stop there and take him and stuff but before I know it I'm driving around aimlessly wishing you and my brother could have been here,and I cant let the baby see me like that,your or mine. I really dont like anyone to see me like that so i really spend a lot of time solo but I know you can feel that. I dont know man,ya try to keep on going about daily doings but they feel more and more meaningless these days ya know? Why take the trash out,I might be gone tomorrow and i spent twenty minutes of the end of life taking out the trash? I remember sometime after Jojo was born,ya told me that it was unexplainable the feeling,knowing that kid knows your his dad without really knowing anything...he just knows. Now I know too bro and i just wish I could tell you,I wish you could have felt the same way I felt when jojo was born too,like giving him candy then sending him home...lol. I was thinking about that night I gave him Pop Rocks for the first time,and when he ate like 15 Munchkins and he went insane,laughing at nothing and what not,ridin on a 20" in the honda and still going to best buy,I fell asleep and woke up and you had like 30 DVD's in your arms...porkchop cannolies,Sunday football...sleeping through Pirates with the surround sound on 70 after I ate 4 double cheeseburgers,8th street and nino brown,hell you were gonna live wit that dude. I can go on for hours man you know that but I cant,I just dont have it in me this time of night,Ive been telling melissa I would wake up with the baby one morning so she can sleep and it really hasn't happened yet,Ive been up at 6 or 7 when he gets up and they come down but then I need to go to bed but she's really cool with it all bro,you always said it and you were right,I knew you were but it would have been nice for you to see for yourself. I wish this wasn't the only way for me to get this off my chest,I'm just really stuck with a lot of things I wish could have been said and things that have been since that I wish I could just call ya and tell ya...someday I will be able to tell jojo a lot things i think you would want him to know and I will always tell our kids how much you loved them...say hello for me...
November 25, 2006
babe,
first of all i love u. yesterday was thanksgiving, i miss u so much. so i went to your moms for dinner, it was delicious, you would have been proud of her she did a good job. it was a little difficult to keep myself together but i did for our son.. every bite of sweet potatoes i wanted to loose it. we went to your grandparents for desert, you know how your grandpop makes everything fresh, well i had ricotta cheese cake so good.. the baby ate two pwices of chocolate cake, pumkin pie, apple pie, and thats it no dinner just sweets..anyway your family got to see him your aunt terry and aunt marie, it was nice the make me feel like part of the family, very respectful. now the hard part of the day after that we went to joyces house.. me joyce, melissa, jojo, little paulie, val, drew, al leiti, gram, pop, frankie..it was so hard sitting there without you. it was always me and you over joyces. thats when i lost it, i had to go into the bathroom and take a break for a second.. i wish you could have had the chance to see melissa's son, he is gorgeous. the christening is coming up and its weird because triv, and your sister are going to be the godparents, and im happy about that my point is that its amazing how things just change at any given time.. it should've been me and you. i miss you so much. i feel like im never gonna be the same. people say that you can die of a broked heart but i feel like a part of me went with you because i havn't been the same since all this happend. i try my best to stay strong for jojo. i dont let him see me cry when i do and i tell him stories about you and mommy and daddys adventures.. i know that this may sound rediculous but people say that i have you in him and i get that but it's still not you. i can remember every moment that we spent together. it took a while for it all to come back but im a little less cloudy now.. anyway i think of you and me and you and our family everday. so i guess ill tell you what i was thankful for on thanksgiving, i was thankful for our beautiful, healthy, son, im greatful for your mother, sister, and bob, they treat my as if i was part of the family, i thank god everyday for having your mom in my life, she is my hope she is my best friend and she is my confidont if i didn't have her i would be completly alone, your sister treats the baby so good she spoils him not as much as your mom though, and i thank god every day for bob, he is such a good role model for jojo and he loves bob, he's bob's little helper, and your sister was right the house looks amazing, and the kitchen is beautiful, you would have enjoyed cooking in it. i could talk forever but i wont ill save room for others.. but i love u so much i miss you with every breath i take, iwant you with me please be with me stay close and watch my back the way that you always did, i need to know somehow that you are with me. i love u happy thankgiving.
melissa
November 24, 2006
joe new,
yesterday was thanksgiving. it was really hard without you. i thought about you all day. i miss you so much, i cann't even put my feelings into words. i guess the best way to explain it would e it just wasn;t right. holidays will never be the same without you. but we will go on and celebrate for your son and mine. that is what i gave thanks for yesterday!!! me and jojo baked cookies the other day and today when nicole takes him over were going to bake a cake.well the baby is cryin have to go. always and forever in my heart and mind
love ya
elaine cirillo
November 22, 2006
J
Your body cannot be seen, your voice cannot be heard, but your presence will be with me forever.
Happy Thanksgiving. I am so grateful for the 23 years we had together.
Love Always,
MOMMY
Jessica New
November 21, 2006
J,
With thanksgiving being only two days away I feel like i'm really starting to feel the sadness of the realization that you won't be carving the turkey. I'm nervous about thursday because I have to try to be strong and keep my real feelings hidden inside. I figured since I feel like you're the only one that listens, i'd tell you what i'm thankful for this year.
I'm thankful that the best mother and mentor in the entire world belongs to me. She's living proof that if you stay strong you can make it through anything that life throws your way. I am thankful for a family that gives me so much support and confidence. I am thankful that there is a roof over my head. Which remind me, i am so thnankful for bob. He's the best thing that could have ever happened to our family J. and I know that you always knew that. It's not because the house is looking amazing, it's because he is amazing. He's so patient and he cares so much. He'd drop anything to talk if i needed him. There's a safeness when I'm around him even when he keeps me up when I'm trying to nap by hammering and using the saw. he was truly sent to us for a reason and i am so thankful that he was. I am thankful for Jonathon. I am thankful for my best friend brian. He doesn't even know what he's been for me the past 19 years. we rarely have serious conversations about the way we feel since you've been gone but I am so thankful that he was there every single step on the way(literally) I'm thankful that i've been blessed to have him as a best friend for so long because most people don't have that. I am thankful for all the friends and people that keep my grounded and strong. I'm thankful for chalie who listens and takes me away from all the sadness that i'm feeling. I wish you could have met him. he loves the lions just like you did. I'm thankful for him because he stays when everyone else leaves and he trys to understand even when its really hard to understand. I'm thankful that I have someone like him to show me that it's possible to trust and love someone other then myself and family. I am thankful for the most precious nephew in the entire world. I'm so thankful that I am able to see that face as a constant reminder of my angel. he makes my day worthwhile even if he does scream ALOT and only wants to play with mommy. I am thankful for cheechy too.even though she smells no matter how many baths we give her. she always hears me crying and comes into my room to comfort me.
I have so many things and people in my blessed life to be thankful for. But most of all, more then anything in this world that I am thankful for, I am thankful for YOU. I am more thankful then anyone will ever know that I was chosen to be your little sister. I am thankful for every single memory that I have of our lives together. I am thankful for every second that we've spent with eachother. I'm thankful for every thing you've taught me and shown me. I am thankful for the way that you believed in me. I am thankful that for 18 and a half years I was able to turn to you when life became to overwhelming. I am thankful that through some of the hardest times of our lives we had eachother to hurdle over the obstacles together. I am thankful that when I was unable to hurdle them you carried me. I am thankful that you were and still are my safest place to run to and hide when I fear the things that scare me. I am thankful for all the advice and talks and every single time you've made me laugh. Now, I will remain forever grateful that you are my very own guardian angel. I am thankful that you will watch over me and that you are at peace in that beautiful place. I am thankful now that I have someone there over my shoulder to help guide me through lifes toughest decisions. I am thankful that you hear me when no one else does and I am extremely thankful that when it is my turn and god choses me, you will the one to meet me. You are in my every thought. I am thankful for you and all that you've been to me. I will forever be thankful for all the love that you've given me and for being the person that i've looked up to my whole life(not just because you were so tall) I miss you angel and this thanksgiving will indeed be very hard to get through without seeing you across the table. But i know that you're like the wind because even though i won't be able to see you, i will know that you are there. Being able to realize how much i have to be thankful for will make it easier to get through the tough times the lay ahead for me. And knowing that you're up there and that one day I will see you again is the reason I wake up in the morning. I love you angel. Happy Thanksgiving. I promise if you come to dinner i'll give you every single sweet potato. Please continue to watch over me and keep me safe. I LOVE YOU J!
Love always and forever,
Jessica
nicole dinardo
November 17, 2006
babe,
hi, its been a while since i've written but i think about you every day. I'll tell ya it's hard to do pretty much everything without something reminding me of you or something you used to do or watch or eat or whatever.. for the last five years of my life i spent them with you, we had great times together, and we also went through rough patches, we started out with no intentions, no strings attached, and no care in the world, to falling in love and building a family with you.. so many memories and so much emotion, to go with each one. I miss you every second that i breath. It's so hard without you. you were the person that i planned my future with and i cant yet face that im not gonna have it. I know it but i cant come to terms with it. I've tried so hard and for a while i thought that i was ok, but i really dont know if ill ever get past it. People tell me it gets easier, but i dont believe how it could.. you were my family, because i dont have much of a family and now im alone. However I do thank god every day when i wake up and jojo is in my face with a big smile. He like to steal my nose and eat it, that's how he wakes me up. or he'll jump on the bed laughing at himself. Babe, he remindes me of you so much. The way his actions are and your personality, your judgement, the way he looks and sleeps, god blessed us with him. he is beautiful and smart, and though that makes me happy im saddend that you are not here with me doing this together, you were the best father that i could've asked for, to be the father of my child. there's not enough time to go on about everything that i could say to u, but i hope u hear me when i talk to you, i wonder all the time if you can some how feel it. I dont know, maybe i have pipe dreams or something, but i wonder if its possible to be like that movie WHAT DREAMS MAY COME. We loved that movie. ok im rambling, time to go, I love you with all that i have, i never let go of what we had because i have hope that one day we will be one again, " all the bad goes away, when you can never have it again, you only realize that it was a lesson, when the days never stop rollin over and over" (2Pac), babe, please watch over me try to let me know somehow if your with me i just want to feel you i miss you so much i gotta get off of this i love you,
nicole
Jessica New
November 16, 2006
Angel,
Thanksgiving is one week away. I must admit I am not looking forward to it this year. I can't stop thinkin about who is goin to carve the turkey and make me laugh at the dinner table. I feel like our table keeps getting smaller and smaller. I would have loved for u to be here to eat thanksgiving dinner in the new kitchen! I was doing a project on the eagles and I came acrossed a tape of jojo's 2nd birthday. He was screaming crying at the candles and all you hear is your laugh in the background. You always laughed at him. I miss your laugh. Thanksgiving is going to be really hard to get through but i'll stay strong for mommy. It scares me when I think about the holiday following thanksgiving..Christmas. I remember when you were like 16 and you bought that whole village for under the tree and you set it all up! and i'll never ever forget when you had surgery and got screws in your knee or foot and i was off of school taking care of you and we put up the tree to suprise mommy and i thought there was a bug in the dusty box of christmas stuff and i started screaming and jumped on your injury. it turned out to be a piece of garland but i'll never forget it! Remember all the crazy christmas trees we made mommy buy? remember the flocked one that was like pink. We hated that tree! or the spiral one! That one was classic. I always remember last year we were on our way to the mall together in my little car which you hated driving because of all the pawprints and we got halfway there when I called the bank and relaized I had no money in my account and you yelled at me and promised not to tell mommy. Then we got home and you said "jess tell mommy how much money you have in your account" I love you! SOOO much! and i miss you! I'm so sad that I have no one to buy th cow chic-fil-a calender for. I know that you're spending this christmas in the best place you can be, but I can't help but wish that your were spending it here with me. JoJo will be 3 on the 26th and believe me he talks about you alot and he gets so excited when he sees your picture.
I love you angel please give me the strength to get through the holidays without you here. Please watch over us all during the hard days ahead. I think about you every second of everyday of my life. Please if you can come sit at our table on thanksgiving. I LOVE YOU ALWAYS and FOREVER, until we meet again,
Jessica
Jessica New
November 8, 2006
J,
Me again, you've been in my thoughts non stop. This is nothing new for me because you've never left my thoughts. Lately, it's been overwhelming. I've been trying to deal with the realization that thanksgiving and christmas are going to be here before i know it. I've been seeing commercials for christmas already, thats all that's been on. I find that the ads that in other years made me so excited and happy for chirstmas are causing me to be sad. I even turn them off when they appear on the tv. I can't stop thinking about how rough it is going to be for me to sit at the kitchen table without you nearby to make me laugh so hard. I also cannot stop thinking about our sweet potato secret race to get seconds. I remember when you told mommy you made them and you really used a box. I miss you so much. Christmas is going to be so different now that I cant buy you the chickfila cow calender and I remember last year how you opened all jojo's presents with him. I have pictures of you laughing at him on christmas morning. They make me cry. I miss your smile. I miss your voice. I miss you advice. I miss my brother and every single thing about him. I remember what it was like when we were little on christmas. We'd take turns each year going down the steps first. We'd always argue about whose turn it was, then we'd walk down and look in our stockings and rip open present after present. Then we'd play with our toys all day. And of course I always wanted to play with you and Jonathons toys.Like your legos. You always let me be the little monkey in the pirate ship one. And even though you kept me locked in that cage the whole game you still let me play. That ment the world to me. I'd do anything to go back to those times. I'd do anything to just be able to see you one more time. I miss you more every single day. I know that the next two months are going to be a struggle to get through but I know I have mommy and jojo to help me. I love you angel. Watch over me, know that I will never forget every moment that we've spent together, know that i love you with all of my heart and soul..i always did and i will forever.
Forever Missing You,Until We Meet Again,
Jessica
Jessica New
November 1, 2006
J,
Today is All Saints Day. Mommy said it's an important day for everyone in heaven. I miss you. I hope you're proud of me up there. Yesterday was halloween. JoJo played on the computer. He was buzz lightyear for 10 minutes then decided that halloween just wasn't his thing! Baby Paul came over too!! He was the cutest little pea in a pod i've ever seen! I wish you could have seen that beautiful little boy. He had one of the best "uncles" ever and didnt even get a chance to meet him. But I know you're with him and jojo and I'll make sure I love him enough for the both of us! I've been talking about you in my counseling sessions. It's easy to talk about how amazing you were but I cannot talk about you being gone. It was always easy to talk about how much i loved you when you were here. Before you were gone everything out of my mouth was "my brother, my brother" Me and Mommy have our bad days. Sometimes shes up and im down and sometimes im up and shes down. I find that I seem to be more down then up though. I try to make sense of this but it will never make sense to me. The more i try the more upset i become. I am comforted by the idea that you will meet me at the gates when it is my time to see you again. That day will be beautiful.
The kitchen is nearly done! Bob did an amazing job! We have nice cabinets amd counter space and we're gonna have an island! I wish you could see it and cook me something in it! I've been craving your potatoe cakes! (and you know i'm not the biggest elaine cooking fan..I LOVE YOU MOM!) I wish you could be here when I poke fun at bob and watch the football games. I know how you laughed at me. Sometimes if i close my eyes I can still hear your laugh. All the stuff i'm learning in school are things that I wish I could have a conversation with you about. Like my Monday Night Football class. I always wanted to be able to hold an conversation about real football stuff and now that I can you are not here. However, I know that you listen.
I realize more and more everyday that I am like you in so many ways. I tend to use humor and sarcasim on a daily basis just to make people smile and laugh. My personality is like a double of yours people tell me. That's a huge compliment and accomplishment for me! I love you J, and there is not a day that goes by that I don't think about how important you were to my life. I think about you every second that I am not focused on a task, and even then my mind wanders to thoughts of you..I will love you always and forever. Watch Over Me Angel. Until We Meet Again, I LOVE YOU, Jessica
melissa
October 28, 2006
joe new,
i really miss you... jojo was here the other night and all he keep talkin about was football and his new jacket cause its like daddy's...he is getting so big you would be so proud of him... i am making the arrangments for his christening.. and your family is just as involved as they would have been if you were still here with us... it makes me so happy to see how your mom and jess look at him...its like you are seeing him threw there eyes and he is feeling your love threw there words... we'll i have to go baby waking talk to ya soon ... always and forever in my heart and mind .....
love ya
jessica new
October 12, 2006
Mom, this may look familiar. I felt that I should post it here so that you could be reminded of what you truly mean to me..i know that jt felt the exact same way about you.
Mom,
I often look at you and I find myself in awe. I wonder how God created a women like you and then I thank him for blessing me, of all people, with you as my mother. I sometimes close my eyes and I picture our lives different. I picture you in a world free of trials, tribulations, and stress. I always find that in the midst of imagining a different life for us, I cannot help but have a tear stream down my face and roll off the cheek that you created. The tears come because I cannot fathom why you have been put through all of the obstacles that you have encountered. I then find that an immense amount of admiration overcomes my body. I admire so much the way that you have overcome all of the obstacles that other people, if put in your shoes, would break down and be unable to hurdle over. Your strength is the most incredible and unexplainable thing I’ve ever witnessed. I feel that there are many times where I do not express to you the way that I feel about you, how much you mean to me, and how I idolize everything single solitary thing about you. Know that I feel this way everyday of my life and I’ve felt this way since the day I was brought into this world and met my best friend, you.
Since as long as I can remember I’ve had one sole goal that I strive to accomplish everyday I wake up. That is to make you proud of me. I do not think that you even understand how I strive to reach this goal on a daily basis. Everyone asks me why I am such a mama’s girl. My answer is always “how can’t I be?” You’ve shown me what unconditional love is all about, and I will unconditionally love you. I look at the lives and relationships of the people around me with their mothers and I smile. I smile because I look at what we have and I realize that it is truly precious. Although we have had unfortunate encounters in our lives, you never gave up hope that everything would turn out okay. You are all that I need and want as a mother, a best friend, and a mentor.
You are my strength. I always say that all I am and all that I will become I owe to you. I especially owe my strength to you. You are without a doubt the strongest person I have ever known. You are the wind beneath my wings, my legs when I cannot stand, my crutch when I find it hard to walk on my own, and my safest place to hide when I fear some of the things that the world throws my way. I would like you to know that I am here to be all of those things for you. I may not be as strong as you are but I have learned my strength from you and for that I am truly grateful for you. It is important to possess strength in a crazy world like this. Although I often wish that some of the things that have happen to us hadn’t of happened, I am incredibly thankful that I was able to face those things with you by my side, holding my hand, and promising me that we’d always have each other.
I idolize you. You are everything that I hope and aspire to be in life. I thank God every night for putting me in your arms and under your care. You are the best role model and mother anyone could ever ask for. I never want you to think any different. You are amazing in every aspect, and if I could be even only half as amazing as I find you to be as I grow into a women and a mother myself, I would be content with that. You are one of a kind. There is no way God could have created another like you, however, I’d like to think that maybe he created me as a small reflection of you to help you, to reassure you that you are not, and never will be alone no matter what happens. We have been able to come this far and I promise you that we will make it the rest of the way. Things will change for us, this I promise you with everything that I am. I am the way that I am, and I view life the way that I do because of the way that you have shaped and molded me. You’ve taught me to do my best, to never give up, and most importantly independence. You are by far the most independent woman I have ever laid my eyes on. Growing up I would watch the things that you’ve done alone, and how you were able to accomplish things without the help of anyone. The most independent feat that you have overcome is that of raising your children. Most people are unable to do what you have done. The way that you raised us, provided us with all of the things that we needed plus the things we’ve wanted; I find that both amazing and inspirational. It makes me realize first hand that I do not need anyone in this world to be an accomplished and extraordinary women and mother. You are my world and I look up to you with the utmost amount of respect.
We have a new angel to help us to get through the hard times now, JT. I know that your heart is broken. I know that you miss him with every breath that you take. I do as well. I know that there is nothing that I can say to take that pain from your soul. If I could take all of the hurt that you have inside of you and put it on myself I would in a heartbeat. I cannot for a second imagine what it must feel like everyday to try to accept that your son is gone. I am unable to do so and accept that my brother is gone. But then I look at you. I see your eyes, they are sad. I wish there was something I can say to make all of these feelings, and pictures instilled in our heads vanish. I know that this is not possible but I can say something that may help you. You haven’t lost a son, you’ve gained an angel. He is not gone. Physically he may not be here and we may not be able to see him smile and make us laugh but I assure you that he hears every word that you speak to him. I talk to him at night. Every night before I go to bed I tell him what I did during the day, and how I need him to help give me the strength to get through this and get through school, and most of all stay strong for you. I tell him how much you miss him and I ask him to protect us from any harm that may be inflicted upon us. Sometimes I feel him. I feel his presence in my heart and I know that he listens. It helps me to know that he is around and that he knows how much I love him. I hope that this helps you as well.
There are so many hard days ahead for us. Some days I wake up and I try to be strong and I have an okay day. Others I wake up and I look around and I wonder, I wish that it was all just a bad dream and that everything would go back to how it was before all of this happened. Other days I cry a lot. I cry because I miss him, but I mostly cry for you. I cry because it is the only emotion that I can show to express my thankfulness for you. You are the only reason that I am able to stay the way that I have through all of this. Everyone gives me this immense amount of credit for being so strong through all of this. Little do they know that the only reason I am able to stay so strong and keep my head up is because of you. You are my reason. My reason for being strong, for holding back the tears that I want so much to cry, and for getting through this. I am here for you through it all. Never will you be alone in all of this. I know that it may seem that others have forgotten, but we can not ever forget. We are in this together, just like we always have been. I must say we make a pretty good team. We will never be able to forget someone that we loved so much, but we must remember him not in a sad perspective, but as a loving son, an incredible big brother, and an utterly amazing father. It is now our job to make sure that Jo-Jo is taken care of properly and I know just as you have for your own children, you will be there for him forever. I look at Jo-Jo and how he adores you and it brings such a joy to my heart to see that someone else, this little precious baby boy that is a spitting image of his father, sees what I see when I look at you. He adores you just as I do and always have and just as JT did and always will. He is up there watching you and I guarantee that he is incredibly thankful that you are here on earth making sure that his son is safe and taken care of. Just think, one sweet day, when we all meet again in heaven it will be beautiful. I want to assure you that although you heart may be broken and you lost someone very dear to you, I am here. I ache just as you do and I promise, even if it is the last thing that I do, I will try with every part of my being to help put your heart back together. It is a slow process I am told. But since we have one another to lean on when we begin to fall, I feel that we are blessed and that we will make it through this. I know that I will never be able to fill that void that you have, nor will my own void that I have inside of myself be filled. I can however, help you to fill your heart and mind with fond memories and assure you that you will forever have me by your side, and you will always be my best friend.
I love you Mom. I love you so much that I sometimes wonder if it is even possible to love someone anymore then I love you. I look at my life and all of the adversity that I have been forced to overcome and I know that it has made me a wiser, more mature, more determined person. I also look at some of the unfortunate situations that I have faced and I consider them to be learning lessons. I do not for a second pity myself for all of the things that others may never even have to face. I am thankful that I have been able to learn from an incredible mentor and that I was able to face and overcome that adversity with my best friend in the whole world by my side. I am grateful for you and all that you do. Every single night before I go to bed and every single morning when I awake I think about how much you mean to me, and how without you, there would be no me. You are single-handedly my inspiration and I feel that everyday you should know that in me you have someone to confide in, to trust, and to love you always. Thank you for all that you have sacrificed, all the dreams that you had to put on hold, and all that you have provided your children with. Thank you for being the best mother, best friend, and best role model I ever could have asked for. I say this on behalf of all three of us (myself, Jonathon, and our angel JT) we love you with every bit of our heart and soul and we will forever be grateful for your unconditional love, understanding ways, and all that you have done for each of us. I love you always and forever, everyday of my life.
love,
jessica
Elaine Cirillo
October 7, 2006
My Precious Son,
It's been almost 6 months since you have been gone and I miss you more than words can ever express. The emptiness in my heart will never go away. I go to sleep thinking about you and I awake feeling like a part of my heart is gone,that part is with you. People say that you are in a better place, but that doesn't really comfort me at all. I need you here with me, I miss seeing and talking to you. It wasn't supposed to be like this. You still had your whole life to live,a beautiful child to raise. Why did God choose you? I ask myself this every minute of the day, but there is never an answer.
JT, the memories are all I have now, and that it what I will cherish with my heart and soul until God chooses me to be with my son. God bless you...Love Always Mommy
Jessica New
September 20, 2006
Angel,
It helps when I write to you and today is one of the days that I feel I have to. I cannot explain the way that I feel right now. I woke up today and it started off an okay day. But something happen as I drove around getting a few things accomplished before work. I heard a song on the radio that completely killed me. That's how everything is since you've been gone. Everything, every song, every word that I hear I think about you. So, now I sit at home and I'm stuck in this endless thought of you and the harsh reality that you are not coming back. You know I don't get it..it's like sometimes I can get by but at other times I just can't and I get so upset because I try so hard to be strong for mommy. She's the reason I am strong. This time last year I spent so much time with you. All my friends went back to school and you worked at night so I would just hang out with you and jojo all day. I miss that more then anyone will ever know. I remember how I’d walk into the apartment and you’d tell me all the new stuff jojo started doing and then you’d tell him to do it and you’d laugh so hard. Whenever I looked at you interact with your son I looked at you in a whole different light. When I look at you alone I always looked up to you and admired you, but when you were with him, it was like I viewed you with this newfound respect. You truly were a remarkable father. I always remember the vow that you made to me on December 26 the day that jojo was born. I was in the waiting room waiting to hold my newborn nephew and you said “Jess I’m gonna be such a good dad.” You did every single thing you could have possibly done for jojo.
It has become especially hard because it's football season now. It's so hard for me to think about what you would have said about a bad eagles game. I try so hard to be positive but I sometimes fall short and get stuck in sadness. I have amazing people that help pull me through it though. I know that you are watching over me and that always helps ease the pain just a little bit. I was going through a stack of old papers in my room and I found the graduation cards you got me. You wrote me a note abut how proud you were of me and said not to forget you when i'm some big shot executive. I will never for as long as I live forget you and all the times we had together. Also, I've been watching the baby's tape of when he was born alot. I usually make it through it okay because of your humor but the times where you turn the camera around and speak directly to jojo i lose it. He's so big and beautiful it amazes me. He keeps a smile on my face. There is one part where you look into the camera and tell him "jojo its me daddy, you were just born a little bit ago, but im really glad i got to see you be born because I waited a long time" I replay that voice in my head everytime i see the baby's face for the first time each day. I remember the exact tone of your voice and the exact way that every syllable of every word rolled off of your tongue. I feel like I need days like today sometimes. As much as it hurts to be so upset it helps me to just be real for a little bit because it's so hard to pretend all the time. I worry about the upcoming holidays without you. I feel as though they aren’t even worth celebrating anymore. Five months and the pain still has not even begun to subside. Okay, I have work angel. Watch over me, help me to be strong for mommy and for jojo, help guide me to make the right decisions about the things that matter most in life, and know that from now until the end of time I will love and miss you with every single breath that i take.
Love always and forever your little sister jessica
September 20, 2006
hi babe.. just wanted to tell you i was thinkin about you..i love you.. love nicole
September 14, 2006
hello i love u, nicole
September 10, 2006
hey its me..i cant figure out how to do anything on this computer..ive been tryin to set up a my space acount for three days now and i cant figure it out..anyway i just wanted to vent and im by myself, thanks for listening..ilove u, nicole
nicole dinardo
September 8, 2006
hi babe,
so yeterday was opening kick off..not exactly how i planned it to be this year..i made the best of it though..where else would i spen opening day but melissa and paulie's..it was really great to be around them..i cant help but to think of you every second of my day..i know that it sounds crazy but everything that happens i refer back to you..football, jokes, conversation, a movie on tv..when im with paulie especially, because he is so much like how you were and i completly understand how u became boys, because you are one in the same..you and him had a special bond and im grateful for that..it makes me feel close to you.. he was chillin wit jojo today..the baby is so happy around him, and that makes me happy..paulie loves the baby so much thank god he has him and melissa in his life..anyway i just wanted to say hi, cant stop thinkin about you.. i love u,
love always, until next time... nicole
melissa
September 5, 2006
joe new,
you have been on my mind alot. i did fantasy football this yr and used your name, so its like you have a team. jason put it on auto draft so i cann't pick our players, but either way with you on my side well still win. i had jojo and lil paul together the other night jojo gets so excited to see him . i love it!!! i let jojo hold him and everything, they look so cute together. cann't wait till there playin and watchin football together. just wanted to let you know i was thinking of you.
maybe you'll come to me tonight and let me know your getting my messages. sometimes its so hard i just want to call ya and tell you things that lil paul is doing . he smiles all the time. loves that classical music you always told me i had to let him hear. he's even already trying to roll, he gets half way there and rolls back. you would be so proud of him. he gained almost 2pounds since he's been home.. he's only three wks haha.well i have to go wake your boy for work i'll write again soon.
always in my heart and mind.
love ya
nicole dinardo
September 5, 2006
hi babe,
its me.. just sittin around and i was thinkin about you so i jumped on line.. got home from work alittle while ago..yup, back at the penrose again..its ok cause i need a job, and at least i know that im gonna make somthin here, need my own place bad.. on saturday me and the baby spent the whole day at home with noone else around.. do you know how long its been since its been just me and him for the whole day..so long ago, it felt great to have that, it gave me a preview of whats to come.. i just talked to paulie for a little while.. i like when me and him get on our solo because well, i dont think i have to go there because you already know..we talk football and tv, and movies ya know all the stuff that we all use to talk about. Anyway it felt really good.. i miss you.. everyday that goes on especiallly since ive been home it gets stronger and stronger.. its weird its almost like its hitting me now.. so im gonna stop rambling now because im starting to get into my head and its late so i love you and miss you so much..until next time love you, love4ever, nicole
nicole dinardo
September 2, 2006
hey babe,
its me again. i wrote last night but it didn't post yet. i can not stop thinkin about you. "you gotta keep your head up" was on again today. i keep hearing it and then that dream, i dont know if your tryin to tell me somthin but either way it is making me feel good. it makes me feel really good. i feel close. anyway i just wanted to say hi. i love you... nicole
nic ole dinardo
August 25, 2006
hey babe,
its been a while, but im home now. i worked through alot of things while i was gone. i didnt realize i was capable of feeling the things that i did because i blocked them out for so long. any way it was a good experience and i know that you were with me because i felt it. i hope that you stay with me because its hard being back here. one day ill be able to pick up and leave but not just yet. i miss you and think of you always. i love you talk to you soon... love, nicole
Jessica New
August 25, 2006
Angel,
I talked to you for 2 hours last night. The weird thing is that I know that you heard me. I've written to you on here but for some reason it didn't post. Maybe the message was to long. I woke up this morning and looked up at your picture like i do every morning when I open my eyes. But today it was different. I actually literally felt this emptiness overcome me. As each day passes by it becomes more real to me that you are not comming back and each day my heart seems to break into even smaller pieces. Sometimes I smile and im happy but it lasts a short time and i quickly return to being so sad and alone. There are incredible people in my life that are here for me and i love them but all i want, the only face i want to see is yours. I can't put it together and make any sense of it. It's been four months since you've been gone. Four of the hardest and emotional months of my entire life. Sometimes I feel like im crazy. I find it easy to share your story but so hard to accept that you're not here and I go from being happy to sad in an instant. I feel like no one understands me. Usually when I felt that way i'd turn to you because even if you didn't agree with me you understood my views on life..most of them i got from you anyway. I feel like people expect me to "be over it" i feel like people forgot. I don't think that they understand wat its like not to be able to sleep at night and to have every single thought be about you. I am willing to accept the fact that everyday for the rest of my life I will miss you. I just wish we could sit at the kitchen table and joke around like we always did. I'd give up anything in this world for just a sign that you're in a better place and that you are happy and watching over me. I feel you sometimes at night when I lay in my room and cry. I just know your there with me and no one can tell me it's not you I just know for sure that it is. All i need you to know is that I love you with everything that I am, everything that you helped make me for 19 years. I am so thankful that I had the experience of sharing life with you while it lasted and even more grateful that you are now my beautiful guardian angel. Until the day we meet again..i love you and i miss you
melissa mezzatesta
August 20, 2006
joe new,
i wanted to let u know that your nephew has arrived. he looks just like paulie. lil paul is tiny thing he was 19 3/4in and 6lbs 2oz. jojo loves him they look so cute together. jojo was so excited to see him. they are going to be best friends i know it. i wish you could be here to celebrate this with us, but i know your looking down on us and celebrating in your own way from up above. i called your mom the night i had the baby, he was born 108am, i called her about 2 i felt so bad to call but she needed to know paul had arrived .my son is lucky to have your family in his life they are good people. we'll baby waking so i have to go i'll write soon .i love you bunchies...always in my heart and mind ...
Elaine Cirillo
August 14, 2006
My Beloved Son,
I just wanted to tell you that I miss so much. You are in my heart with every breath that I take. I wish I could hug you right now. You always made me feel safe. Until we meet again....love always and forever.....Mommy
Nicole Rags
July 24, 2006
Hi Joe,
Just wanted to let you know that we are taking good care of your baby. U know your mother, sister ,and Bob wouldn't have it any other way.Guess what your mom helped out at the daycare for a week I know that would make u laugh. Didn't we talk about that it's funny. There is not a day that goes by that we don't talk about u in the school.Just wanted to let u know we are all thinking about u!And praying for your family.
nicole dinardo
July 22, 2006
hey babe,
well i really messed up this time. i heard that people in heaven are happy all the time so if that's true i hope u can forgive me for the decisions that ive made. i hope that you still watch over me through this time and i promise you and myself that im gonna make you proud of me.. i love you and that will never change just stay with me..
love always,
nicole
nicole
July 18, 2006
hey babe
just wanted to say hi and if your watching over me please give me stregnth to be strong and stay up no matter what life throws at me. i need you to look out for me and be the angel on my shoulder i love u.
love,
nicole
melissa mezzatesta
July 5, 2006
hi joe
i have been thinking of you alot lately ...i guess with your b-day passing and all iam remembering what we would have been doing..i wanted to let you know that your nephew is almost here..just a couple of weeks now and you were right my belly button poped just like you said it would..i went down the shore for the 4th ...paulie and i bought jojo some elmo stuff its really cute i think he will like it...i know i am rambelin but i needed to talk ya ..i am getting so big .. well big for me ...you would be making jokes about me .. well i guess you are because i know your watching over me.. i'll write to you again soon..always and forever in my heart and mind !!!!
Jessica New
June 28, 2006
Happy 24th Birthday Angel!
Today is your birthday. You would have been 24 years old. I miss you so much right now that all I've forced myself to do since I got home from the gym this morning is sleep.When I sleep is the only place that I can see your face and feel safe. On Monday I went to get my heart checked. I cannot explain to you all of the emotions I felt when I was being tested for all of the things that if you were tested for would have saved your life. In the waiting room there were all these older people that have lived long lives and I sat there and thought about how unfair it is that my 24 year old brother has died. J, when will I be able to accept this just a little bit? I feel empty its so unreal to me. I read a bunch of literature in the doctors office about the heart disease that you had and I look at the symtoms and became sick to my stomach. I feel like they are all things that I should have realized when you were alive but didnt. Mommy looked so heartbroken at the doctors. I can tell by her eyes that she must have been thinking and feeling so many things. Everything turned out to be okay with me except for a few leaking valves, so I'm going to have to wear a heart monitor for the next 2 weeks so that they can monitor everything. I've been given bob and mommy a hard time because I dont wanna wear the thing cause I will look weird but mommy seems really scared for some reason so for her I would do anything. I stopped and thought for a second when I saw what the monitor looked like and I just thought about all the funny jokes you would make about it if you'd see it on me. I love you so much and i miss those jokes that poked fun at each of us. Yesterday we baked you a cake. Mommy thought that her wall post would post today so she wrote happy birthday on the 27th thinking the date would say the 28th. But we did bake you a cake(your favorite) with jojo yesterday. I KNOW you were looking down and laughing because me and mommy of course messed up the cake, yet everyone still ate a piece. I told everyone that you'd expect that of my cooking. Today we were talking about how you use to call mommy a saint and how me and you are SOOO much alike that we use to say the same things to people and never even knew it. Once again I found myself browsing through cards in the brother birthday section. I don't know why I do it because I only get sad but I just do. Like yesterday, I cried during an episode of boy meets world because it was all about big brothers and I miss mine. J, I hope to god you hear me when I talk to you and know all of the things that I feel about you. I hope that you are in a better place and are completely aware that I looked up to you more then you will ever know. In you I confided and considered you my best friend and my safest place to hide. I feel like this is never going to go away, this emptiness and pain. I feel like for the rest of my life when I have a second of time during a day when my mind is at rest my thoughts will turn directly into thoughts of you and the life that we had together. I never stop talking about you and thinking about you and picturing your smile. I feel that although I am so empty and so lost right now, I am so grateful that I had someone like you to basically raise me as my father figure into the person that I am now. Today I am going to go pick up jojo from school and we are going to buy you balloons so that he can send them to you up in heaven. I love you angel please watch over me and give mommy, nicole, and myself strength. Happy Birthday (this year is is not so happy)..I LOVE YOU ALWAYS..until we meet again one sweet day, Your Sister and Best Friend
nic ole dinardo
June 28, 2006
Happy Birthday my love,
hi babe. today is your birthday, you would have turned 24 today, and i would have called you a young buck just because you are one year younger than me.. i miss you! today was, well just let me say that i've realized some things.. i know that some things that i have done lately may not have been the best choices, and im working on changing a few things.. im sorry for not staying on top of the game but dont worry because im starting too! im fianally starting to realize certain things that i need to do, such as my responsabilities.. i always knew them i just lost sight of them for a little bit, i have to admit that i didn't know how to handle your loss, and i still havn't figured it out either but i know what i have to do for our son and i know that he comes first before anyone, including myself. i miss you so much, i was at your mom's today and her and jojo made a cake for you. didn't have any yet but you cant mess up a box cake right! lol. So i got my rings back. i'll never take them off again. the one ring finally fit my ring finger they'll probably have to pry it off anyway! Melissa's shower was on sunday. i know that she misses you. she really missed you when she was putting her bouncy seat together. that's your job, to put things together and to paint and to do anything handy, i think that's why you liked to help bob with the house so much because you were good at that. You were good at everything you did, because your a perfectionist. jojo inherited that from you because everything has to be in the right spot or where it is "supposed" to go.. im watching him sleep now, he remindes me of you, we also went to look at a place today, it was a studio so we'll have to find something else but it made me think of when we looked at our apartment and how much you liked the ceilings..i miss our apartment, the good things and bad, though the bad things aren't as bad as they seem especially when you dont have them anymore. everytime i write i ramble but im just tryin to fit everything in at once. there's been alot goin on latley so i gotta get it all in.. me and your sister are dunkin doughnut junkies.. we went there tonight and then we had a nice conversation on the porch, she remindes me of you alot, so much that i had a flash back when i was talking to her. something she said made me think of something that you said to me once and its amazing how alike you are.. i like talking to her, she is a smart girl, and i like talking to your mom, she keeps me in line.. me and my mom actually spoke to each other tonight, it was ok.. i love you, my heart. when i found out you were gone a piece of me went with you but a piece of you is still here and that's what my main focus is. i need to make things right for me and jojo, and that is my goal.. im gonna make you proud of me and i promise you nothing but good things for jojo.. lesson of the day = "sit back and take it all in because when people only do or say certain things in anger its because they dont know any other way to do it"
anyway i preached my word for the day i love you and im gonna go to bed so when i lay my head down i hope to dream of you, i hope to feel your touch, and i hope to hear your precious voice, and if i dont ill still wait for you, i hope that your up there celebrating with like pac or somethin. i love you and ill always love you. it will never fade. you'll always be in my heart you have your own little piece with you.. i love you! good night, my love. happy birthday!
with all my love,
nicole
elaine cirillo
June 27, 2006
JT,
Happy Birthday! You would have been 24 today. I've been so sad this week. I wish you were here celebrating your B-day with all of us. Everyday I think about you,hoping you are happy and free of worry. I wish I knew you were sick, I would have made it all better. I love you so much, I miss your face, your voice, and your laugh. Why can't I stop hurting? Why am I angry? It's because I need you in my life, it's so unfair to me. Jo Jo and I are going to bake a peaches and cream cake for you. I know how much you loved when Grandpop made it for you. I'm sending a few balloons up to you in heaven. Happy Birthday my Angel! Until we meet again..Rest in Peace..Mommy
Jessica New
June 18, 2006
Happy Father's Day Angel,
Today was father's day. I worked. I'm kinda glad I did though because it kept my mind off of what today is all about. JoJo has the greatest dad in the world and he didnt even get a chance to see him today. I saw him when I came home from work. He's getting so big. I wish you could hear the way that he calls cheechy's name when he drops food on the floor. JoJo went potty today! When I heard I was so excited but I held back tears because I just wanted you to be here. I know your looking down and youre proud of you beautiful baby boy.I miss you so much. I thought about what today would have been like if you were here. We would have ate here and I would of got you a funny card that you'd laugh at. Now im at home in my room. This is when it hurts the most because I cannot stop thinking about the way my life was with you here. I just wish I could close my eyes and when I open them see you standing there in front of me. I would give anything in this world just to hug you or hear your voice on the other end of the phone.Happy Father's Day to the best daddy and brother ever. I love you and miss you always...<3
nicole dinardo
June 18, 2006
happy fathers day:
hi babe, today is father's day. went to see you today i know that you saw us. the baby misses you so much. he asks for you every day. im sure you know this already because i know that your looking over him. I think that he dreams of you because he calls for you at night. I never thought that we would be spending today without you but your here in our hearts..always.. so i put the little teddy bear that i got you for valentines day in the car.. it sits really nice on the dash.. it felt really good to go and sit at the semetery the other day.. some people cant do it, to be honest i would've never thought that i could do it either, but i actually felt some sort of peace. im sorry i could'nt be there when they burried your ashes but i thought about you the whole time.. i couldn't get out of work. so on my day off which is alot latley, i went down there and sat with you for over 2 hours.. i hope you heard me, i felt like you did.. i promise that ill visit often.
so i took the baby to see paulie and melissa today.. paulie was really happy to see him,oh and he went poop on the potty! me and jojo are getting our own place soon thanks to your mom. you were right she really is a saint, i probably would've lost my mind if it wasn't for her already, she is a good woman. i wish i new how to make it better for her and everyone else to, even myself.. the only thing that i can do is keep the baby close to everyone.. My dad wants me to move out there with him, ya know to give me and jojo a better life, you remember how me and you used to talk about going out there to visit,and then never come back. YOu would love it out there. its beautiful. how do i pick up and leave, there's no way that i could take your son away from the people that love you and him the most. Please if you can help me with this decision. YOucan see whats goin on down here, i just dont know what to do, sometimes i feel like im at a dead end here, but that could just be everthing that im dealin with. Then sometimes i think that everything is gonna be ok. i just dont know. I wanna feel secure again, i wanna feel safe. I think thats why i like visiting you so much be i feel close and calm like your sitting there with me. anyway im ramblin on. so mabey you can give me a clue or a sign on what to do about my situation. i love you and i hope that you can feel me when i talk to you i think and miss you every day that passes, so much that sometimes i dont want to get up because i just want to lay there and think.. i love you, and i know that your at peace, because down here its only bills and rent and all that b s that we hated dealing with so enjoy yourself..one day ill meet you there and we can enjoy it together like the plans we had before. ok im gonna go cause your mom has the baby, it was good talkin to ya i'll be waiting for you.
with all my love to the number one daddy,
love you,
nicole
Elaine Cirillo
June 18, 2006
Dear J,
Today is Fathers Day. Happy Fathers Day baby! All day I was thinking what a wonderful,loving father you were to little Jo Jo.
I still can not accept your death. I am having such a hard time believing you are gone. Things just aren't the same for me and they never will be.I feel so empty inside. I miss your carefree spirit and your funny personality.
Jo Jo is doing great. Nicole said he did poopy on the potty today. He was so proud of himself.
Your crazy sister convinced me to buy him a motorized car from the movie CARS, he loves it.I promise I will love and cherish him forever, just as I have you.
Jessica did it! She finished her first year in college. Time goes by so fast. She really well. I give her alot of credit because she had so much to deal with,but was able to finish out the year. I know you gave her the strength to get through it. Continue to be her guardian angel.
I love you always and forever.
RIP MOMMY
Jessica New
June 14, 2006
J,
We buried your ashes on saturday. It really set in that morning. I felt as if it was finalized and I realized that you're not comming back. Needless to say, the past few days and nights have been very tough to get through. The one thing that makes it easier to deal with is your beautiful son's smile. I convinced mommy into buying him a motorized car that they can drive just like I always told you I would get him. We got him the car from the disney movie cars (which by the way was great!) You should see him driving it J, he's so cute and I know you would of got a kick out of him. It's the times when I picture your smile and think about the way that you would react that make me miss you the most. I look at the huge collage of pictures that I made for your funeral everyday and night. It hangs on the big wall next to my bed. I look at the pictures of us from Mommy's wedding and of me you and Jonathon when we were little and I cannot help but get upset. I feel like this was wrong and that you should be here with me and mommy and most of all, JoJo. He misses you and he asks for you all the time. It breaks my heart. I promise you from the bottom of my heart that I will tell him about you everyday of his life. About how much you love him and how much he meant to you. Father's day is comming up. I was shopping for a card for Bob and I saw the section for brother and just paused for a moment. I even read a few. I wanted so much to get a funny card for you. Your birthday is commin up too. It is going to be hard for mommy that day I think. Because your birthday is when we celebrate your life and we are still so sad about your death. You should see mommy. How strong she is. She has like super human strength just like we always said she did. She is hurting, yet she still provides me with advice about life and school and she still manages to put a smile on her beautiful face. She knows that you hated when people cried so she stays so strong. I always said that I wanted to be just like her. This inspires me even more. I love you with all of my heart and soul. I miss you more everyday when I think about the 19 years that I was blessed to have you as my brother. Although you are gone I will never forget you and I will be forever grateful that I was able to have a best friend like you for as long as I did. I'll talk to you tonight. I have a chemistry final to take now. I love you J..I REALLY DO and I ALWAYS WILL. Until we meet again, missing you more everyday, your little sister
melissa mezzatesta
June 12, 2006
joe new,
i dreamed of u again last night...the dream felt so real that when i woke it took me a minute to figure out if u were here or not...seeing u makes me feel good..i feel as thow u are watching over me and your nephew..he's almost here.. 2 more months ...i cann't wait to have him and jojo 2gether playin and watchin blue...i still get the urge to call u sometimes...thats when i close my eyes and hope to dream of you...i just wanted to let you i was thinkin of you.. always and forever in my heart and mind...
love ya
Jessica New
June 6, 2006
J,
Today is one of the hard days. Yesterday was as well. Today in my session I talked about you for 2 hours. About the person that you were and how much I admired you my whole life. It felt so good to tell someone just how much I love you. I took a walk to the river during my break at school. I sat on a bench and I watched the water ripple when the wind blew. I just sat there daydreaming about the things that we use to do and our lives together. I remember when you'd come over how I'd fly down the steps from my room whenever I heard your deep voice. It felt comforting being near the water with no one else around. Just me and you and the ocassional bike rider. I'm finally starting to realize that you are gone and that I will never hear that crazy laugh or see that sarcastic smile. I would be lying if I said that this was not the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life. I sometimes put your chain (that I broke once when we agrued but that u fixed) and just lay in my room and beg you to tell me you are better off where you are. I sometimes just cry for hours alone because with the huge mixture of emotions that I'm feeling it's the only one that comes out. I found that talking about it and talking to you and writing to you helps ease the pain a little bit. I love you so much and the only thing that comforts my pain is that we will meet again. I love you angel. I'll talk to you later. Your Sister,
June 6, 2006
babe,
so today is the end of my birthday, for me it is cause im goin to sleep after im done but it was a really boring one. I'm really sorry that i havn't written much. At first it felt liked it helped me, I felt like you could hear me, latley though, sometimes its hard to know that everythings gonna be ok, without u tellin me it is.. I cant begin to tell u the feeling that i have, it's unexplainable, i actually have to take really deep breaths all the time.. anyway i want u to know that i missed u so much this year on my birthday. i havn't spent one without u in 6 years, its been a crazy one though, our son has a hard cast for the first time in his life at the age of 2, i think that its u tryin to humor me because i know u would tell me how its a boy thing and the next time we're comin with a football injury, so i was at chop all morning with your mom, she was a big help so im glad that she came with.. the rest of the day was like every other day, the baby was putting these puzzles together today one was 1-10 and the other one was pooh it was cute when he got the numbers in the right spot he gets all excited and starts to jump on his cast when hes supposed to keep off of it.. isnt that funny how are u supposed to keep a 2 year old boy off of his foot, yeah right! Melissa and Pauly's anniversery was today and it makes me think about 8 st. cause thats were we started our path together.. so much is different from back then, lookin back on everything is just what i need to make me feel it and the things that we have gone through are nothing that can be put on a piece of paper or a screen it just fills that empty part for just a second.. im so tired i cant wait to go to sleep i want to dream of you, im waiting for u so i think im gonna go lay down, i hope to see u soon. i love u always,
love you,
niole
Kristi Hopkins
June 4, 2006
Elaine, Jessica, John and Family:
I just found out today of Joe's passing and I am so sorry! I haven't stopped crying in 4 hours. He meant the world to me. I haven't seen him in months but growing up and attending GAMP together we were as close as two people can get. I am deeply sorry for your loss and I am broken hearted that I could not be there for you in your time of need. Please know that I loved JT as if he was my brother. He was the smartest and one of the funniest men I have met, and probably will ever meet.
My heart is with all of you! Please contact me if you need anything! I really do care for you all! May the Lord Bless you all and give you strength.
************************************
Joe:
You truly made my years at GAMP more enjoyable. You were my rock through the hard times. I fought so hard to keep you there, and petitioned everyone because you meant the world to me. I am sorry it didn't work and we didn't stay as close as we were! May God keep you close to him. I will miss you! Until we meet again! <3
Jessica New
May 28, 2006
My Angel,
I cannot even explain to you the way that I am feeling today. I feel empty and more confused then I've felt so far during all of this. Yesterday we found out why you died. Cardiovascular heart disease with hypertension. I'm sick about it. I can not understand how we didn't know that you had it. I'm even more upset that for a second I could have thought that you would have risked your life by making a stupid choice. I'm upset because you didn't have a choice, you had heart disease and I only wish I could turn back time and prevent all of this. Now everything is becoming clearer..why you were so sick and couldn’t swallow and how much weight you lost. I need you to know that from the bottom of my broken heart I am sorry for ever doubting you. Do not worry we’re going to get Jo-Jo checked throughout his whole life to make sure that he has a healthy heart. I promise you that I will do all in my power to help towards the fight against heart disease, I feel that it’s the least I can do. I wouldn’t want any other little sisters, mothers or sons to experience what we have. It is now evident to me that all things happen for a reason. I guess I’ll never know that reason but I’ll have to take it one day at a time. Come visit me in my dreams so that I can see your beautiful smile again. I love you more then you will ever know, Your Little Sister.
P.S.- Me, Brian, and my friend Vicky took JoJo to the zoo on Friday! He loved feeding the ducks…he was soo happy and so was I to think about how you must of felt watching from above and seeing your little boy enjoying himself like he was. Also, I hear the new X-MEN movie is not a good one. I’ll have to go see it and let you know but I haven’t gotten rave reviews. Okay, I love you always angel..
Jessica New
May 19, 2006
J,
it's becomming a habit to write to you almost everyday. It helps me so much. I'm on break at school right now. It seems like when I have breaks in a day and when I lay alone in my bed at night is when I miss you the most. Me and Mommy had your picture put on charms. JoJo kisses my charm everytime he sees me. He's getting so big and he looks like u more and more as everyday passes. I wish this pain that I feel would start to fade just a little bit. I feel like it just continues to get deeper. I just wanted to tell you that I love you. It's so hard down here without you. I just feel like all I want is my big brother back. Don't worry about things down here im "holdin it down" I cannot lie though its hard to be strong. and I wouldnt be able to stay so strong if it weren't for Mommy and Brian. I know you look down from heaven on him and ur proud because i know that u'd appreicate how he's been here for your little sister. I think about you everytime I close me eyes and I miss you with every breath that I take. I'm almost done school! I can't wait to spend my days playing with JoJo and teaching him all the things u've taught me. I love you angel..I'll talk to you tonight..love ALWAYS and FOREVER..ur sister
melissa mezzatesta
May 16, 2006
joe new,
hi...just wanted to talk ...i keep dreaming of u..seeing u so clearly and hearing your voice.. guess u know paulie got that 360 finally ..cause last night in my dream yous were playing hockey on it...as i gets closer to the coming of your nephew it gets harder for me .. knowing there will be no 4player hockey games..
thats all u and paulie talked about from the time we found out i was pregant..your son misses you.. its so crazy how much he reminds me of you...and the way he acts.. its really a little joe new... come september i promise jo jo will get the full football experience... we'll teach him and he can teach my baby...i sit and laugh sometimes just thinking little paulie and little joey the world is in for it... hahaha
joe i love u amd miss you so much...i could talk to u about anything,or anybody and know i was getting honest advice...i knew that u were telling me from the heart ...u have always been there for me ...i really miss that...we'll i have to go get dinner ready ...talk to ya soon..
love always your best friend
Nicole DiNardo
May 16, 2006
babe,
finally sitting down to the computer alone. its been a while. i just got home from work a while ago and suprisingly every one is sleeping so i get time now. I miss you so much. Yesterday was mothers day and i felt so sad that you were'nt here to share it with me and jo jo. Things are so different without you. I thought about how last year you made me breakfast and had the baby wake me up with a card. I think every second of every day. When im alone is the worst because thats all i do is think about the years of memories and looking at our pictures. When we went to the shore, when we spent our first new years together, that night in the park when you guys meant me at the park when i got out of work. We played like little kids that night but it was a good time. the pool party, the simpson boxers, possibility of camden county on memorial day weekend. these are all the things that i think of on a steady basis. the other day i went down the lakes for an hour and ahalf just chillin listening to all the music that we loved, looking at my pics, and talking to you. if anyone saw me they would think i was nuts. i listen to our song everyday! i hope that you can hear me and feel me the way i feel you because i love you so much andi know that you know that. i try to keep busy, it seems that when im around people i dont cry as much. so much has changed its crazy. i wish that everything would just be ok for everyone,but the worlds not perfect. Paulie got the 360, all he wanted to do was call ya. i hear the word playstation and i think how you used to tell me you were gonna embarrass me in hockey. mark marlo moved into our apartment, and so badly i want to go up there and just sit, all alone. thats where we started our family, and i miss that place. the baby is doing so much different stuff. talkin more, riding bikes,starting to potty train. i got pull ups for him now. he is so smart, and he misses you and loves you so much. i tell him that your sleeping with god up in the sky in heaven. i made your mom a dvd of you for mothers day and me and the baby watched first and every time he saw you he was so excited. blowing kisses at ya. i tell him ever morning and night before he goes to bed how much mommy and daddy love him and daddy is watching you all the time. by the way you would have so proud of me for the way that the dvd came out because we both know that im not that creative. but i was so in to making it the way you would've wanted it to look. anyway, i try to take him to see your mom almost every day so she can smile for alitlebit. the baby is waking up i gotta go ill be back i ll be dreamin of ya love you miss you
nicole.
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