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BORN
1981 – 2000
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Lucas Goodhand Obituary
sometimes with the wind and sometimes against it
– but we must sail, not drift or lie at anchor."
Oliver Wendell Holmes
Lucas Cole Hawk Ellingson Goodhand was born in the middle of an Alaskan winter in Fairbanks on December 26, 1981. He grew from a precocious child into an inspiring young man over the past 18 years. Amidst the boreal forest of Alaska, he grew up in a home he loved, with his parents and brothers, numerous dogs and cats, and a variety of books. He attended West Valley High School and graduated with the class of 2000 in May.
He was active in everything, it seemed. He received awards and recognition for his work in drama, sciences, and public speaking. He was voted Homecoming King/Prince and Prom King by his peers several times. He loved performing in plays and was a lead actor in almost all of them over his 4 years at West. He took first place in the Regional DDF Meet during his senior year in two categories: Extemporaneous Commentary Speaking and Lincoln Douglas Debate. He received a first place at the 1999 Alaska Science and Engineering Fair from the Institute of Electrical and Electronics Engineers for his work on Mass Drivers, a project designed for future space travel and living. This past spring, one of his poems was chosen to be published in the American Literacy Council Poetry Anthology. He continually surprised his family and friends with his incredible depth.
Cole was a humble person when it came to his realization of how he touched others. He felt very strongly about his relationships with friends and family and his concern for the freedoms and rights of people. He was extremely patriotic and was admired by those who knew him for the strength of his convictions. He cared deeply about the world.
Cole spent the past nine summers living in Valdez with his family, working in their seasonal charter business. He grew to love Valdez, where he made innumerable friends, who also greatly influenced him. He became an avid snowboarder and could be found tearing down a snowy mountainside in his spare moments every winter. He loved Alaskan winters, his favorite season.
Cole lived life to the fullest and was a wonderful son and brother. He was exceptionally caring and kind. He had high confidence in his abilities to make his way in the world and had many plans for his future. He received several scholarships for colleges this fall, but decided to wait for a year, so he could travel and "perfect his Spanish." He hoped to be a writer.
He died unexpectedly on Tuesday, August 8, 2000, in a car accident in Thompson Pass, returning from the birthday party of a friend. The grief of his passing is immeasurable.
He is survived by his mother and father, Karyn Ellingson and John Goodhand; his brothers, Talon Goodhand and Tommy Settle; his grandmother, Marie Ellingson; his grandfather, C.R. Goodhand; many dear uncles, aunts, cousins, and a beloved niece and new nephew.
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Memories and Condolences
for Lucas Goodhand
Karyn Ellingson
May 13, 2023
Dearest Cole, Spring is finally upon us. Buds, although tiny, are finally showing up. Your winter season has almost passed
it’s pretty tough for us right now. We are older now, you’d be what- ? 41 !? My precious child, we mourn you still. We see eagles and ravens circling, friends of yours with children growing, all carrying on and still loving you. I can only pray to God that you will be awaiting us. In the big scheme of things, I have so many wishes.
Your little niece Isabella asked me for your Pound Puppy babies. I’ll bring them to her. I know you’d want her to have them and I’m selfishly clinging to them only because they’re yours. Another little piece.
I always think of you. Every day. Until we meet again. Forever Love. Mom
Terin Aurora Rae Porter
May 11, 2023
Thinking of you, dear Cole, and all the magic you spread in our world... <3 You are often in our hearts and thoughts, even 23 years later, and I am thankful your beautiful soul was my dear friend. :´) We miss you! I know you would have done such giant amazing things as you got older and more experienced in adulthood! Sending huge hugs to you in Heaven and wherever your spirit is on its endless journey!! <3 <3 Peace and love, brother...
An old friend
October 20, 2021
The most profound thing I have ever witnessed in my life was the eagle landing at your service. Until we meet again.......
Karyn Ellingson
March 4, 2020
Dear Son, Yesterday it was your brother Talon's birthday. He was 40. How in the world could that be? Well, Honey, you would've been next... now you have been gone longer than the years your feet were planted on Earth. This planet was better for it. Pop and I still talk of you daily. Our home remains your home, you have a presence in it all, every wall, every space, every raven that wings its way over our place in the valley. We mourn you still. And yet, when we speak of you with Talon's young son, your namesake, it is with a pride that he carries your name. You are like a warrior to him, he mentions you, too. You've given us so much, and you continue to do so. As I look out at the winter landscape with its soft curves and no sharp edges, I think of you, my little blue eyed boy with the rosy cheeks, my young man with the deep voice confidently booming from full lips, just like your fathers. I couldn't be prouder, even now, of all you gave and still give. My heart encircles you, much love always, your mama, Mom
Karyn Ellingson
April 7, 2017
Well, dear Son, here I am again. I haven't been here for awhile. I think of you everyday. Every Day. Just sent an old picture out to your brothers the other day, of the 5 of us and Cyndee, together, happy. You were probably about 14 - you had the sappy floppy haircut that you liked for that couple years, middle school, I think. Cyndee posted it on Facebook, so now it is out there, floating around for all to see. Pop and I are visiting Uncle Joe, helping him out. Talon is having a tough time. All good with family, but life has a way of zapping him from time to time. One step forward, two steps back. It's not easy in this life for young people right now. Lots of possible pitfalls and roadblocks to success. Wish you could just call him and make him laugh, or show up and do something silly. Tommy is good, going to Mexico with family for a week tomorrow. So we're all thinking of you because of that, too. So now I'm thinking of those sunny days hanging out on the ocean, hiking around, fun days. Most fun days involved you, dear Son. There's a hummingbird nest just feet away from us, and two little birds are waiting patiently each day to be fed. New life, hew hope. Well, for now I will simply say I love you and there is NEVER a day you aren't in my thoughts. I pray for you and our whole family. For the day we all are together again. Much LOVE always, Mom
June 19, 2016
Cole, in the grand scheme of things we didn't know each other long, but occasionally I can't help but think about you. Miss you buddy, can't wait to give you a high five and a hug. Thanks for everything
Micah Ferrell
August 18, 2015
For some reason I was thinking of Cole today, perhaps because it is August again. I searched for his name to see if I could find a picture and found this site. I didn't know him very long, but he had a positive impact on my life. 15 years and I still feel the loss.
Kati
May 1, 2015
You're on my mind lately, well always, but more so lately. I miss you, I miss our talks, our hikes, our silent visits, our time... I still feel like I can just call you and we'll chat for hours. 15 years, in just a few short months it will be 15 years since you were taken from us. I thank God for the time we had and the blessing of having you in my life. We are all truly better people for having met you.
I've been seeing a lot of hawks lately... I miss you Cole, love you.
Karyn Ellingson
April 25, 2015
I hadn't really intended to write at this moment. I was just peeking in on you. Seeing if you left me a message, a thought, a moment. So, how do I turn away without saying hello? I can't. I'll never turn away from a chance to say hello. Hello. I wish I could hear it echo back... hello.... hello.... hello.... always eternal hello... Mom
Karyn Ellingson
December 26, 2014
Dearest Cole, Happy Birthday, Sweet Boy. You would've been 33 today. I can only imagine the man you would've been. I remember this day so well. By this time 33 years ago, I had you in my arms, and other than very brief moments, held you for the next 24 hours non-stop. You and I needed the rest, we were told, and so you slept on my chest, close to my heart and breast, all day and night in our little hospital room. I love you so much, then and now. Praise to you, SweetHeart... Always in my heart and ever on my mind... Love, Mom
Eric
December 13, 2014
Hi Cole, I was thinking about you and decided to do a google search... Im very happy that I did because it led me here. What an incredible thing to see all these postings. I miss you buddy. I know your out there somewhere... kicking me and knocking some sence my direction.. I think about your spirit and somedays it's just what the doctor ordered, Centering me and re-focusing on what's important. You are missed,I'll catch you around the next bend.
November 16, 2014
Dearest Young Son, I am thinking of you today, as I do every day, and decided to make another posting here. I just had a birthday, good grief, another dang birthday! Wish you were here to give me a call! I talked to Tommy and Talon, spent time with your aunt and uncle, got emails and messages from cousins, other siblings, etc. It was a good day, another trip around the sun, more aches, more time spent reflecting. Everyone thinks of you all the time. Pop and I have been walking on the land a lot lately. We're going to build a little cabin up in the woods, and we want to be able to see your gravesite through the woods from our little new spot, so it has been interesting looking for a southern angle for sun, gorgeous view of the valley from up high, and a view of your gravesite through the woods. Things that are important to us up here in the Arctic boreal forest. So, we've found a nice spot. Sunny in November, glistening with light snow, your gazebo roof through the birch forest... lots of changes coming up, but still plans made that include you. Everything we do still includes you. Time moves quickly, and yet slowly. Years move on. You are ever in our thoughts. Like it was yesterday that you would come downstairs and make us laugh. Darn it Cole... well, I hope that all of space, all of the ether, and all the wondrous sights we were promised and assured exist, really do exist. It's our plan to join you there when it is time for us. I know you'll be waiting. You'll know when it is time for you to come to the gate or veil or whatever it is that allows us to enter the transition... maybe just a path through the forest, with the chickadees twittering away, and the raucous call of a raven circling and urging us on, we know you'll be there to greet us... until we meet again, love always, love ever, with an aching heart, Mom
Kristi
July 28, 2014
Hi Cole, been thinking about you...and the amazing qualities of time to be so fast and slow for us mortals. Where are you? In a timeless space or reborn into the cycle of life and death? Whatever is Next, I don't believe it is nothingness, and whatever it is, I'm confident you're making the most of it. Remembering happy snowy sledding days...Love you, Kristi
September 12, 2013
Dearest Son, Ever on my mind. You are always on my mind. Ever on my mind. Love you so, Mom
August 9, 2013
Dear Cole - Lots of warm thoughts cruising your way... I feel good all over just thinking of you. Thank you for giving us all the reasons to smile when we begin to plummet to the depths of despair. 13 years. I love you so much. Until we meet again... much love, eternally, Mom
Henry Eshleman
August 8, 2013
13 years gone. I miss you, buddy.
Jenny-Rose Host
March 28, 2013
Thanks for visiting me in my dream last night. I'm going to work on the project you gave me. Your visits make me miss you so very much, but at the same time I am thankful you still talk with me. I've been so slow in processing your exit from this reality to the eternal, thanks for all the help along the way. I'm so far from perfect, but I work hard to make you proud of the women I've become and the mother that I am. I love you and I miss you.
October 27, 2012
Its been a long time, somehow you creep into my thoughts. I remember you fondly, and miss you always. You're still an inspiration, thank you
Rebecca Smith
October 2, 2012
Dear Cole,
I only hope that you, somehow, are able to see, hear, or feel the words posted here. I find comfort knowing that you do you hear me when I talk to you. I miss you so much. The end of summer especially brings memories of you to me. Not just because of your passing, but because of that last summer season we spent together. I think of you all the time. I have two nephews now that carry your names: Cole and Lucas. They are wonderful boys and I only hope they get even a bit of your light. Especially our little Cole. He had a rough start and we were so afraid we were going to lose him. I can't help but think you have had a hand in his success and growth. It's strange, being 30, and knowing that you would be too. I feel like I should be a "grown up", but, more often than not, I still feel like that confused, lost, teenage girl that you knew. You gave...you give...me so much hope. I try to hold onto the youth that we had and remember that just because I'm older doesn't mean I can't still play. Still laugh. And still find joy in in the little things and hold onto amazement and simple joy - like kids playing in a sprinkler on a hot summer day. Remember that conversation? I do. All the time.
With all of my love,
Rebecca
Cora Hamilton
August 30, 2012
Cole,
today I was sitting and talking with your mom at Anne Wien, it's the strangest and most wonderful coincidence, my son Xander is in her class for 4th grade. She insists I call her Karyn, and has been telling me for years to do so, but to me she is always Mrs. Ellingson, Talon and Cole's mom. As we were talking, we were remembering when I was her student, and how you and I used to hang out. Elementary school was so easy, all the time in the world for our friends and none of the drama of the teenage years. I started to think back to those days, to you always saying "you're in good hands with Goodhand", even now whenever the Allstate commercials come on, I think of you and that slogan. You can still make me smile with that.
I am sorry I didn't write sooner, I just learned this was here. After I left the school, I looked you up, trying to remember something I tried to forget. Life takes us in so many directions and as I've gotten older I have found that for life to take us anywhere, death will also be present. Death is difficult to deal with and accept, it takes from us people we believed, deserved to keep living life to the fullest. And you Cole LIVED your life to the fullest all the years I knew you. We might not of stayed close but I always knew you were a friend and I'm sorry I wasn't always a good friend.
There is one thing that makes accepting your death bearable, and that's knowing that you were called home and God called you to him, maybe it was because he needed someone to keep all your loved ones in "good hands". And you are the man for that.
You are always in my thoughts and your family is in my prayers,
Take care my friend and keep us all in good hands.
August 8, 2012
Dearest Cole,
Today is the 12th "anniversary" of your accident and death. Twelve years of wondering why, thinking o,f you everyday, missing your funny handsome, smiling face. Missing the depth-filled conversations that always made me think in broader terms, always widening my outlook. Twelve years wondering what kind of man you would be today at age 30. I know you'd be fair, honest, and so very, very funny. You made us laugh everyday, young son. God, how I miss that. Today, Pop and walked up to your grave, with the sun shining across the valley floor, and birds flitting through the woods. We've had a lot of rain this summer, so there were mushrooms popping up all over the forest floor, and along our path. A kestrel hawk has been flying through the woods the past few days - we've seen him several times, and I have to admit, we both believe it's been encouraged by you... We talked to Talon this morning on Skype for well over an hour. Talon and Jamie are going to a "Sublime" concert tonight - he said the two of you used to listen to them alot, so they're going with you in mind.
Your little niece Piper was jabbering away and giving kisses to us over the computer screen, and we got a good showing of Talon's little boy growing strong and big in Mama Jamie's belly. They are calling him "Cole," so it seems we may have another little guy with your blessed name in about 6 weeks.
We have been blessed in our life. You were a gift to us, and we treasure all the days of our lives we had with you, dear son. We have you ever present in our thoughts, today, and every day. Much love to you always, until we meet again, Mom
September 27, 2011
Dear Cole, I was up in the graveyard last week, and a raven kept cawing and circling back and forth. The wind was blowing slightly, autumn leaves falling through the woods. The sun drifted in and out of cloud cover. Shadows flickered. I felt you. You were there. I sat still and let you float around me. Thank you for the visit. Love always, your mom
Karyn Ellingson
May 29, 2011
Dearest Cole, I've been thinking about you so much lately. I've been home this past week, and everywhere I turn there is something that reminds me of you, of our days together on this earth; of our lives together, me lucky enough to be your mother. I thought about the dragonfly on your leg this morning. I remember how still you held while he just sat on your leg and I went to get the camera. You were so young, maybe 7 or 8, and you believed me when I said how lucky you were to have a dragonfly visit you, to take time with you on your body, explore you. I miss you so much. For Pop and I, the time you've been gone for us has whizzed by. Each day of these past ten years has seemed like your presence has been here, felt, recent. You're with us everyday. The only place I feel the passing of time in a hurried sense is with Talon's little girl. She's a real sweetheart, and we are so in love with her. If she had been a little boy, she was going to be named after you. So maybe the next little one will get to carry your namesake. We all think of you so much, Cole. Time marches on. I look forward to being with you again - not too soon in earthly time, but soon enough for eternity, my son. Much love and fond memories, young one. Forever, Mom
abbi kennedy
November 24, 2010
cole
i don't know why but you crossed my mind today. i wish we could have gotten to know each other better than a short but fruitful friendship. though i do miss you,i know i will get to see you again someday even if it is not soon. you and pete murphy keep an eye on all that you love for us. and i'll talk to you again someday
Kati Allison
April 15, 2010
Cole,
I'm sure you know, I'm due to have a little boy in 6 weeks. It's coming so fast and I don't feel ready at all, I guess no one really feels ready though. I miss you and wish you were here to be with me when I'm scared about having him and about whether I'll be a good mom or not. You always made things feel so much easier and made me feel like I could do anything. I still don't understand why you aren't a phone call away, but I know you are with all of your loved ones. Still, I wish I could hear your voice or feel your hug. I wish you could meet my husband and be goofy with my son and just sit with me... Please watch over us Cole, please keep us with you. I kinda need you now, I miss you soooo much.
I love you Cole,
Kati
November 22, 2009
Dear Cole, It's nearly Thanksgiving, and with this week of preparation ahead, I always think of the things I am thankful for. This year Tommy and Cyndee, Tyler, and Zach will be up here for Christmas and your birthday. Of course, Talon will be here, too. You know what's in my heart better than anyone now, except for God himself, and you can see the joy that is growing everyday as we near the end of November and the holiday season grows closer. I am so thankful for them. Pop and I are excited and apprehensive, hoping that the days will not be too cold. No matter what, the joy of having all of our family here means so much to us. The only missing piece will be you. If there ever was a time for a fleeting "fly by," that week would be it... I imagine we will have lots of laughs over you and about you. You were a light for all of us, Cole. As I bake pies this week, and the smells of cinnamon and nutmeg permeate the logs, and the fire crackles in the stove, I'll think of you. I am more thankful than ever for the 18+ years we had together - actually, over 19 for me, as I rocked you and felt your every move for months and months before you arrived. What a blessing I have been given on this earth! To have had three wonderful sons, to have watched them grow, to have been blessed with grandchildren. Thank you, Cole, for having been my son. I love you, young one. Forever, Mom
October 15, 2009
Dearest Cole,
It's mid October, and there is no snow. If you were here, that would be a point of aggrevation for you. By now you would've had your snowboard out with a light waxing and your boots would've been clean and ready. I wonder if you'd still have the same size feet? They were big enough... Maybe you'd be getting new boots this year and be waiting for a sale.
So, Pop and I are revelling in the late drawn out fall, loving every moment of clear sky and waiting earth. As the sunshine falls through the windows, I can just imagine you complaining about no snow.
On Facebook, I saw some GREAT pictures of Coby and Casey in the Alaskan Range, climbing, camping, and snowboarding on some awesome ridges last winter. I'm sure those guys have more trips planned > and if you were here, you'd be in on that. I just know it.
Cole, I miss you so much. I think of you everyday. You are a constant in my thoughts. So, as winter approaches, I can't help but lament the loss of you even more. You helped give me joy in the winter; as the dark days mounted I could count on you to be excited about the coming season. I just love you, young man, and I don't know why you were taken so soon. Yes, I still ask that. I can only trust that what you gave your dad and brothers and I, and what you meant to the rest of your family and friends outweighs what could have been.
I love you, sweet Lizard Boy - Love eternal, Mom
camille judkins
August 8, 2009
cole cole cole,
i miss you. i think about you. you are forever in my heart and i wish i could be on your family's property right now, at your spot sitting with you and giggling about all our silly times.
i love you so much,
your friend,
camille
Karyn Ellingson
May 5, 2009
Cole Luke, How your name just rolls off my tongue. It's part of my speech that still comes so naturally. We said Cole Luke, more like Colook. Sort of an Alaskan twist, don't you think? Well, the winter snow has finally melted, and so I just had to once again cruise the parking lot of WVHS. I wanted to see if the "BILLY" parking space could still be seen, if those words and picture from 8-8-00 were still visible. They were faint last year, and (as if you didn't know already) yep, still faintly visible yesterday. A remarkable little legacy to you, your old parking space. I run into Cora H every now and then here at AWE. She has a son who is in 5th grade - I had her for 6th... and she always asks about Talon. And then she shuffles somewhat uncomfortably. I know why. All of us with you in common have that awkward moment of knowing you, missing you, not knowing what to say or how to continue the conversation. That's when, really, we should just hug. That's what you would do. And so, for this moment, I am going to close my eyes and let this keyboard wait, while I hug you....... Done.
It was an empty one, but given sincerely with love, nonetheless. I saw a young man walk into Gold Hill the other day, and just his swagger, his haircut, and his baggie beige shorts, all made me flash you. Just a ghost moment. I have those all the time. Do you still think of us? We miss you so much. So, Cole Luke, I will sign out for now, and long after I finish typing and head down the road towards home, the feeling of this conversation with you will linger with me... Love you so much, eternally, Mom
Kristy
December 8, 2008
I just wanted you to know that though I never met your son, I pray for you and your family and think of you throughout the year...especially when surrounded by nature. I found his life story and guestbook years ago...before my daughter was born even (she's almost 8 now). Back then I was online to look at a friend's obituary. I was moved by his story and by the notes you leave for him here.
I had a son in May 2005 and since then have thought of you more often when I look at my sweet boy. I just wanted you to know that your son's life story has affected me and reminds me to cherish each and every moment that I have with my babies.
You have my deepest, deepest sympathy and continued prayers.
September 18, 2008
Dear Cole, This morning as Talon and I rode into town together ( yes, he's here right now...), we were talking about the geeky glasses that you both had in the 80's. He said that those glasses effected his ability to get a girlfriend for years and years! He actually implored help from you to support his argument. I thought you both were handsome guys and you'd never let a little thing like glasses keep you from being cool. I miss you so much. We all do. You are mentioned and thought of every day. Last week when Talon and I were standing on the porch, two ravens were cawing and circling back and forth. It felt like a visit to me... I love it when you say hello... Much love forever and ever, Mom
Most summer evenings these past few years, Cole could be found cutting halibut filets for customers at our boat. He enjoyed doing this because it gave him a great opportunity to "perform." Quite a crowd would gather by the time he was finished.
July 1, 2008
Cole loved to make people laugh, and he had a knack for making even the simplest thing funny. Here he is with his moose puppet, at school, probably in math class…about age 16 or 17.
July 1, 2008
Cole didn't officially learn to read until he was 6. We were concerned, yet, he always looked at books. Here he is with a Calvin & Hobbes anthology, leaning back on the boat - reading. He went right from ABC's to Calvin's 10 letter words.
July 1, 2008
From the earliest ages, Cole loved to express his imagination and creative self. Here he is in Elf Ears, about age 2 or so. When he wore the "ears" he was very cuddly. He'd wear them for hours, often forgetting they were on. Costumes became a part of him.
July 1, 2008
Kati Allison (Jarman)
May 30, 2008
Cole......
Has it really been 9 years since I saw you, it is soooo hard to believe I can't see you now. I wish you could be here for so many events in my life, in our lives. I just wanted to stop and tell you that I still think of you all the time, I doubt that will ever change and I don't think I want it to.
I love you
karyn ellingson
May 28, 2008
Dearest Cole, Here I am after a morning of thinking deeply of you. I wrote an old friend today, and started pouring out my guts about the day and week you were taken from this earth. I told him about the young bear you sent, and the friends that came to console us and be consoled. That was an amazing week, and I found myself just reliving it, until I had to stop.
I couldn't tell him yet about the other gifts you sent us that week. All of the eagle moments at your memorial service. Way too many and too much to be coincidental - and heck, you couldn't send us a bear again. Not in town...
I wonder how you are now. From what I have read, the more a spirit feels his earthly family find peace, the farther away you can drift, at peace yourself with your leaving. I don't know. I still feel you near so often. You always were such an attentive son, I can't imagine you going far from me.
I just drove down and back from Valdez a couple days ago, after school got out. I helped Pop get off, out on his first trip this year. Anyway, Thompson Pass and the road is still the same, beautiful, changing yet the same, long. I stopped several places and thought of you the whole way. Will I ever drive those miles without thinking of you? Why would I even think that? I think of you everyday. When I am alone, like now this week, I think of you continuously it seems. This kind of grief seems to linger differently. The house remembers you.
I listened to a book CD on the way home, and one of the characters was an old Irish clergyman named Shamus. He was consoling the main character when he lost his beloved wife at an early age to cancer. There is no why. To say that God works in mysterious ways is too trite. But one thing Shamus did say, in his wonderful old Irish brogue, was that our loved ones aren't really gone from us. They have just gone ahead of us. It made me think of you, hustling up or down a trail, running through the woods with one of the dogs, or with one or both of your brothers, and how I'd be - wait! Let me catch up...
I like that idea of you just being ahead. I'll get to you. You're waiting. With your arms outstretched, or perhaps sitting on a rock with your kayak beached or at the top of someplace, with your snowboard pitched into a snowbank, and you're warming your backside at a campfire, looking into the dark for me to appear. I know you're there. I 'll get there. I love you, Sweet Boy. Bye for now, Love Eternal, Mom
Greg Brumann
February 25, 2008
Just wanted to stop in and say hi, Cole. Last time I saw you was randomly in Valdez. How wierd, and even after not seeing each other since 7th Grade, we locked eyes and knew each other. It had to of been atleast 7-8 years. Keep doing good work! Much love and respect.
Karyn Ellingson
February 23, 2008
Dear Cole, The holidays and your birthday are behind us. An annual relief for me. When it my birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas, your birthday (ah! YOUR birthday!), the New Year - another year, and Pop's birthday... tough not to have you around for those days. And now Talon's birthday is coming up. Talon is camping this weekend, up at Whistler's - beautiful beautiful spot, full of big trees, winding Oregon river, wild turkeys, deer, red tailed hawks - and probably rain and snow for him. It is the last of the winter tournaments, and you'd be proud of him - he has won month after month now, so he anticipates this one will be another. Give his arm a true and extra nudge today if you can.
He misses you and always wears the beaded leather pouch with your ashes in it when he is "on the road." He needs to have a little bit of his brother along to give him the nearness of you still. I miss you both these days.
It is a lovely winter day today. It has warmed up, and if you were here you'd have gotten up early and gone off snowboarding today. Or maybe you'd just be laying around reading. Either way, a good day to be a part of Alaska's winter.
More and more now, Zach asks about you. Just about every visit, he mentions that he wishes he knew you, or he'll bring up that he never got to meet you. I always, every time, tell him how much you already had loved him. Just knowing he was going to be born, and then after he was born, I remember how you looked forward to meeting little Zach and, well, I always tell him that. It's pretty remarkable to me really, how much you and Zach are similar, in the usual little kid ways, but in other more subtle ways that I guess just a mother/grandma would notice. He's gutsy like you.
We went to a really nice restaurant with Tommy's family and noticed a SeaHawks football player was there just a table away from us. Tommy and Zach went over to him and introduced themselves, told him they'd been at the game that day and saw him play. He was wonderful to Zach, so I told Zach how special that was and told him the story of your experience with Mark Grace and his home run ball. I s'pose cyberspace isn't the place to reiterate what a bummer he was to you, but I wanted Zach to realize that not all "big name" people act nicely to their fans. Too bad. But, what I really wanted to mention through this tale was how over and over again we see how much like Tommy you were. Tommy is not afraid to say what he says, do what he does, in public, and you sure never were either. The spotlight was your home away from home, part of your comfort zone.
So, I guess in reflection, I am noticing how as time goes on, you are still such a part of each of us. God, I miss you. We all do. It still hurts so much to not have you around, and I just can't stand it that you are gone from us. Again, I cling to the hope that in the next life we will be reunited. I don't know how else I could face you not being here.
Well, dear Son, I shall close for now - I've gotta go outside and breathe some of us this crisp air and listen to the sounds that fill my soul. Hoping for the circling and teasing of a raven to know you are near...I'll call one to me. I love you, eternally, Mom
karyn ellingson
October 15, 2007
Dearest Cole, So much to say to you, Sweet Boy. I think of you everyday. Every day. Every. Day. You are always there. If it is you who gives my mind and heart the nudge, thank you for that. I never mind it. It makes it hard to swallow for a moment, though, and sometimes, I have to take a deep breath, let it out slowly, and then do whatever I was in the middle of. Like now, not having traveled to this specific place for awhile, I feel the pangs of loss so vividly. When I read the obituary I wrote, well, it's pretty much all there isn't it? The kindness, the caring, the brightness. You don't know how very much the little things you did still stand out for me - holding my hand when I came to see you in junior high and even high school, kissing me goodbye in front of your friends - gees. I knew that was special from a young man, and now I know that it was part of that "living your life fully" thing that I mentioned. Part of the fullness of the 18 years you were allotted. Pop and I watched a scary movie the other night that you would've just loved. 1408. Two of your favorite actors, and a plot thick with the ghosts of a half century in a haunted room. I thought of you. I could imagine you being a spirit that would just drift through for the visiting passerby, not to scare them, but to enrich them with a glimpse, a peek, a moment. Just, a moment. I think you have done that for Pop and I already. I know you have for me. I have seen your quick little visits out of the corner of my eye, and I do relish them. I do know it. I am a believer. If I wasn't - well, the risk of you not coming again would be too great. I wouldn't want to foil the magic. Speaking of magic, Talon and Andrea are leaving on Thursday to go to Eli's wedding. I know Eli must be thinking of you a lot now - his vibes must be filling the airwaves, so to speak. This Saturday he will marry the love of his life - a dream you two must've talked about inadvertantly as you grew up and went out with girls and explored the depths of becoming boys from children, adolescents from boys, young men from gangly teens, and I guess that is where your journey came to an earthly halt. To be continued in the next plane - or should I say, being continued on this plane but in a veiled dimension. You became a man quicker than others around you. You were a man Pop and I were so proud of - ARE so proud of. Ah, Cole, I would still give anything for just one more minute of terrestrial life with you. Again, thank you for all you gave me, all you shared, and all that I continue to become for your namesake. I love you, dear Son. Eternal love, Mom
Kati Jarman
March 1, 2007
Cole,
I am sure you know what is going in my life right now.... I wish that you were here, you were always able to make me smile and, even if just for a little while, you'd make me forget my troubles. Since I have made the changes in my life that I have in the past month I have seen so many hawks, they make me think of you and miss you like crazy. Why aren't you here? Why did we lose our bright light in life? I know that we'll never know those answers while here on earth and I try every day to except that, I won't lie it's nearly impossible. I love you Cole and I miss you everyday!!!!
Rebecca Smith (Weber)
January 14, 2007
Cole, I looked your name up online today. I was hoping for a sweet story (and there were many), but I did not expect to find this site and to see you face again after so long. It has been six and a half long years and August 8th will always approach me with some sadness. I miss you terribly and hope that I might see you again some day. You'd be happy to know that Patrick and I have become friends and that I have tried hard to make you proud. I remember how you said that you loved my voice (you said that it was "awesome"). I remember when Natalie and I covered your car with flowers and handmade signs. I have a scrapbook of some memories and that fateful day. We loved you so much Cole. I loved you. We all still do. And it's super cheesy (I'm sure you'd think so!) but everytime I hear Sarah Mclaughlin's "I Will Not Forget You" I can't help but cry. And miss you. So much.
karyn ellingson
September 24, 2006
Dear Cole - Another summer has passed without you, and the leaves are golden and falling. It is clouded over today and there is a chill in the air. As much as I dread the coming of winter, I know that this time of year thrilled you, and that allows me to reflect upon the virtues of winter once again. This summer we were busy, and spent a lot of time with your brothers and their families. Talon and Andrea indeed did get married - and well, you know they provided for your presence there. We could easily "see" you standing proudly there by Tommy with that silly grin you get when you are feeling so good about something. The space they left for you to stand in was evident to all of us who knew us. They stood upon the tile eagle crest and pledged their lives to each other, and after the ceremony, an eagle flew across the expanse in front of us, swooping low to confirm the witnessing of the moment. Thank you, my son, for giving Talon and Andrea, and your Pop, Tommy, and I another glimpse of your being there. Being with us in every way still. We love you, Cole Luke, and miss you so much. We finalized your rock up in the little meadow this summer, too, and laid Grandma and Grandpa Goodhand's ashes there near you. I love going up there. It is so quiet and beautiful. We are so lucky to have your memorial near by. Well, I am going to close for the time being now. It is still so hard for me to think about you being gone. Pop and I stopped in Thompson Pass a couple weeks ago and put flowers by our little marker up there for you. What a beautiful place to pass into the next life, Cole. God chose well for you, dear one. I pray for your soul every day, Cole - pray that one day you and I will meet again. I know we will. You'll lead me right to you when the time comes. Let You be the first one to find me so I can laugh again in the manner I used to, full of the knowledge that life was "perfect then" and has been changed ever since. I realize now that all of a life is a path to death. I hadn't really intellectualized it before. One of those ah-ha moments has been given me since you left. As I get older I'm sure more of them will become evident. I remember my folks telling me that God has a plan for each of us. I know he had a plan for you, too, and whatever it was you must've fulfilled it. I can only trust that. I miss you so much. It is so quiet here. Loving you forever, Mom
Melissa Morris - Beedle
April 12, 2006
I moved from Fairbanks summer after 7th grade but was friends with Cole all through elementary school. The clearest memory I have of him is when he was running for treasurer (I think we were in 4th grade...maybe 6th) and his slogan was "you're in good hands with Goodhand" I think about him every so often...I miss it all...
karyn ellingson
February 4, 2006
Dear Cole - I linger here looking at the likeness of you on the side of this page, dead of winter, and ponder the sleeping earth. You remain, as always, a formidable presence in my thoughts and days. I cherish you so much. Talon is getting married - I'm sure he's conferred with you about that. He seems so utterly happy. The only thing needed more in our lives would be you. I love you so much. For now, I must go... I just can't be here. I am too torn this morning- Love always, Mom
Kati Volkmann
December 15, 2005
Cole,
Hey you. Well I am sure you know that Shaun and I moved to Florida. We are in the middle of trying to buy a house and are scared to death. It will be our first one.
You are in my thoughts lately and I miss you.
Kati
methanie ongtooguk
December 2, 2005
i'm back now, back for a while. i kept the picture of us on the visor in the truck for the last two and a half years. i appreciate all the visits you made to my dreams during those long car rides through the desert and i'm thinking that all along you were the one who convinced me to leave in the first place. it was a good idea. i left arizona when the photo disappeared. the only other one left of the two of us is here in alaska. it's one that always makes me laugh too. you're trying to convince me that everyone should be issued an AK-47 by the government. you are always in my thoughts, even if i don't write them here. again, thanks for the travel plans and comfort along the way...it was perfect.
karyn ellingson
November 13, 2005
Dear Cole, You were in a dream of mine last night. It's my birthday tomorrow, and I wondered if you were wandering around in the misty in-betweens last night. If so, thanks for the brush-by. It's the best gift I could ever get. Just a little whiff of you... When I dream of you, I really resent waking up. I want you back, Cole. What bargain can be made? What trade can be offered? I think of you over and over every day. The bond between a mother and her son can never be broken. Only you and I know the realities of your conception, your growth inside the womb, the talks we had, the murmurrings we shared. Only you and I know of the first 24 hours we spent together. You in my arms, at my breast, cooing, coddling, cohercing you to life, to live, to suckle and grow. It was a tough beginning, and from then on, you always fought for your part in life. You were the tough one, the one who had to be convinced - and yet you were. You trusted your father and I; and Cole, we love you still for every day of your life. My only regret is not being able to convince you not to buy that deathtrap of a van. My dream of you last night was - mercifully - not one in which I rode over that ledge with you in Thompson Pass. I have tumbled down that embankment more times than I care to relive, in my dreams. Waking screaming, wishing for any any ANY way to make the dream have a different ending... an ending in which some bargain or trade could be made, me for you being my top offer. Nothing else would be fair. I miss you, my sweet son. I am so thankful that in your last hours with us, we talked, we ate, we laughed, we hugged, and told each other that we loved each other. What more could a mother ask for really? The circle was complete. I have loved you since the night Pop and I said let's make our next little boy, until this very moment in time. Well, dear one, I will close this cyber moment. Come visit me again - the side door to my dreams is left ajar for you. With all my heart, eternally, Mom
karyn ellingson
October 8, 2005
Dear Youngest Son,
I sit here on this beautiful fall day, with the wind whispering through the trees, thinking as I so often do, of you. I just finished hanging a plant in the family room, and as I climbed the ladder to reach the ceiling, I thought of a recent conversation with your dear friend Chris B. He lost his mom (by now the two of you have likely sat and laughed together on some celestial hillside) this past year. He came over to visit with Pop and I the other night, and to say goodbye for a while. He's off to NYC to pursue some acting classes, and we talked of the dangers of the "Big Apple", and how life has to be lived for yourself and for your dreams. We spoke of if life on this earth proved to be over, at that time, we knew we would have good company there on the other side. As we get older and more and more of the people who mean so much to us cross over, well, the next life - the greatest journey perhaps, doesn't look so daunting. Well, I am thinking of you today. Of your journey, and wish so much that we had had more than 18 earthly years together. I thank God everyday for the gift of YOU, and for the great years we did have. Full of love and wonder, little boy. You always treated me wonderfully. I was blessed beyond belief, and I do know it. I miss you more than words can say. Well, dear Cole, I am off for a walk, need to take some flowers up to you, and speak to you there... Much love always, Mom
karyn ellingson goodhand
August 20, 2005
Dear Cole - As usual, here I am needing to talk to you and to give you a big hug, and I can't. We had a great party for you this year, and a lot of your ol' buds were here. It was wonderful to see them, and to see all the folks who came to be with us in rememberance of you. Your Aunt Karyl and Uncle Mike came all the way from Naperville to surprise us all - they were able to feel close to you that weekend, and talk with people who knew you, or knew our family. I felt you everywhere that night. I feel you with me every day, though, and thank God for that. I couldn't go on if I thought you weren't in some way near me. Just now, I had to chuckle - I am at the computer in your old room, and I just glanced up at the ceiling, and there on the beam is a pink stripe of some of that silly string that you loved so much. It is embedded into the wood fibers, and well, just another little physical reminder of your humor and effervescent lifeforce that you left behind. Left behind. You left a lot of yourself here - behind with us, to haunt us, as well as remind us of our lives that need to go on. I have to remind myself of that nearly daily still. I get stuck there, in that perpetual cycle of missing you and loving you so much that life doesn't seem worth it, and then I have an incredible high from being with, talking to, or thinking of Tommy and Talon, and I am uplifted again. I never fully realized how much giving birth to children would mean before I lost you. I would've given up an immeasurable part of myself to still have you here. I would trade my life for yours now without hesitation. I know Pop would, too... Interesting that that sacrifice is never an option, only in fiction is the dilema given to ponder. Well, I am going to walk up to your grave now, and bring up some dried roses that we had for you on the 8th. They were beautiful when blooming, and you should have them now, too. So, in a little while if you feel the brush of footsteps, and then a blanket of rose petals drifting to you, my son, it is just me, loving you today the only way that I can...Love, Mom
Grace (Scannell) Nakamoto
August 18, 2005
The last time I saw Cole was in Valdez in the summer of 1999. My sister Abby and me and our friend Cyndie got a hotel room in Valdez. After visiting with Cole, that night I dreamed that he was dancing on the table in our hotel room. I wish I could share that with him now.
karyn ellingson
July 15, 2005
Dear Cole - Hot today, yet so beautiful, with a light breeze, ravens cawing, their voices echoing in the wind amidst rustling tree sounds. You are so much on my mind today. I have been thinking a lot about the last strong presence (presents :>) that you gave to Pop and I, over the Father's Day weekend in June. How absolutely breathtaking!! Pop and I were amazed beyond words, and well, all I could say when I humbly found my voice was "Happy Father's Day, Pop." He was given more than he ever could dream for: to hear from Tommy and Talon, and then even you. And to think that for even a moment I could doubt that gift from you? And a day later, standing in Thompson Pass, one place that your spirit is so very very strong, and you came to us again - well, all I can say is, thank you, young one. Thank you for that moment. I am now so reencouraged that we will be together again some day. I miss you so much, and just love you as much as ever. Love, Mom
Alena Leipzig
June 16, 2005
Dear...Dear Boy,
I can not talk to you and of course I need to so, so bad. I just hope that this will bring you to me tonight. You come to me in my deams when life is the worst but, I still can not have you close enough. You bring me so much strength in my life. I miss those long nights of talking about just anything. I can not believe I am writing to you now... cyber space... what a odd thing. How did you know? I still ask myself that all of the time. I wanted you to see the world with me, eventhough I realize you must see more of it than any of us on this earth. You watch above and you keep us all safe and still touch all our hearts. Your sprit lives on and so do all of the memories of our experiences together.
Much love forever and ever....
Karyn Ellingson
May 12, 2005
Hello Cole - I can't believe the weather lately! I have been thinking so much about you of late - as I always do - but often continuously triggered by events that offer subtle reminders of you. As I have watched your Pop nearly melting from the warm days and continuous search for shade - his exclamations of relief found in every small breeze... I have thought of you. You'd be squinting and headachy - complaining of forgetting your "shades," searching for shade... sound like your Pop? You'd be wearing your "wife beater" everyday - those old time thin strapped undershirts you loved. These are the days I revel in. I remember how anxious you always were to get to the ocean in Valdez for the summer where the breezes would be stronger and the air cooler. I remember how hot you would get playing baseball, and how much you grew to miss winter as you got older... I wonder if - oh, never mind - the temptation to travel the IF road never leaves me. If If IF...I love you so much, Cole. It just feels good to say it. Someday, you and I will meet again, in a big grassy meadow that is not too hot, and not too cool, but just right - climate controlled for both of our pleasures, with a view of an ocean's shore, water lapping along a sandy beach littered with sand dollars, ringed by ridge after ridge of mountains fading into a distance. And somewhere an eagle will call, and another will soar lazy circles, and we will silently hold hands and smile, knowing we finally made it from this life to the next, and found each other again. I look forward to that moment, and treasure that thought with all that I am. I love you so - Mom
karyn ellingson
April 23, 2005
Dearest Youngest Son Cole, Good grief. It is melting and warm today - lots of mush. This day brings to mind so many days when you and Talon used to get fully dressed in winter gear - or with Eli - and go out and get totally soaked and have a ball, coming in mud from head to toe, cold from the melted snow, and have big cups of hot chocolate. Of course, ten years later you were still in your snow gear at this time of year - cursing the snowmelt and the coming summer, squinting and headachy from "so much light," only now you were racing down hillsides on a snowboard, and sleeping in tents, freezing your socks to the wall. I miss your joy, your enthusiasm, your deep voice, your calm assurrances. I ask myself over and over how can this be? Why can't I just dial you up and chat a bit? Perhaps in a sense, I am right now. I just caught myself beginning to say that when I would hang the phone up it would be with the anticipation of seeing you again soon. And I thought , well I can't do that now. Cyberspace messages don't allow me to make a travel plan to visit with you. But yet, there is a hope for eternal visitation with you. An eternal meeting with you. I guess there is that. After all the things you have done in the past 4+ years to touch me, I do believe that there will be a time when we will be together, and if that life is as great as the prophets foretell, then I should just trust this knowledge, and let that soothe my impatience. But the fact remains: I miss you deeply. I carry your loss with me every day of my life. It effects every breath I take. Well, young one, I am going to bid you adieu. At this time, I just can't travel from wonderful thoughts of you in life, to the unbearable precipice of you being gone. So, with much love to you, my lost little spirit, Mom
Karyn Ellingson
April 4, 2005
Dearest Cole, I am thinking about you today, as I do every day, but for some reason today it is almost unbearable. I miss you so much! The sky is crystal blue, the snow is melting, it is warm, lovely - days are long - and you are on my mind.
I've been thinking about all that we have in this life, and all that we should be proud of, and my thoughts circle in and out of you, my son. I was a rich woman once upon a time, and still have so much to be thankful for and so much to treasure, but my hoard was robbed when you were stolen. It is hard to get beyond that at times. The theft of Cole Luke from my pile of riches, my treasure trove.
And what else is in that pile? Gold, jewels, silver? No. The treasure for me has always been what my mother and father taught me - you and your brothers, your father, our grandchildren.
Gees, I miss you. I just can't express how much. The aching continues, with every breath of wind, every ripple upon the water - all whispering what was and is no more.
Remember that one McKiernan story (Dragondoom) about the dragon who reeked havoc upon that one dwarf kingdom because they dared come to his lair, and in their arrogance, tricked him and stole his treasure trove? You told me that tale was your favorite - so I read it - and I loved it, too. I wish we could have one of our infamous "book talks" about it. Robbed. Another thing we were robbed of together.
I digress.
The point is that, today, this moment, you are again drifting through, and I know the richness I had, and miss you. Maybe you are near right now, hovering behind me, in an invisible plane of existence, and I just can't see you, but you are touching me. If so, then wrap your wings around me, Cole, and let me feel your soft feathers on my cheek.
I miss your quiet sureness, your positive spirit, your continual caring for me. You were a treasure beyond words. I miss your love for me - you always showed it - and I just miss you so...
Come visit me. I need you today.
Much love, your mother eternally, Mom
Karyn Ellingson
January 11, 2005
Dearest Cole, It has been a while since I sat at the computer to write to you. I have just let this space lie dormant in the air waves that circle our planet. I know that doesn't matter really - as any thoughts you and I share are beyond the bounds of this earth now, except that readers may think I have forgotten you. That would only mean they don't know us.
I don't write for them.
It is December 21 today, and your 23rd birthday is coming.
I love you, sweetheart. I have been thinking that I need to write a real book about you. I just finished reading an amazing book loaned to me by Jeanne (The Red Tent). It had me thinking of you throughout, and especialy the end, where Dinah comes to terms with the death of her mothers, and her father, and her soul love, husband. As we go through life, death is around us all the time, lurking, but should not be such a feared thing. And yet, I fear it. Not for myself, but for the others I would leave behind. I know that concerns you, and that is why you visit us all from time to time.
But really, I can only TRUST that you are in a better place, and BELIEVE that we will embrace again in a life that we will exult in. If not, well, then I will go to my grave with that hope and belief, and it won't matter. I'll just feel better here in the meanwhile.
I am going to write a book about you, though, because it has taken me over 4 years to get to a point where I feel like I can almost not cry spontaneously. I say almost, because just a few weeks ago, Pop and I were cleaning for Thanksgiving, and I was dusting off that photo of Pop and I, you and Talon, and Grandpa CR, sitting on the bow of LuLuBelle, with that magnificent iceberg behind us, and there, right there!>> behind us, on the very tip of that iceberg, sat a bald eagle. Remember? We positioned ourselves so it would be in our photo. Was it a spector of things to come for you and Grandpa? Was death already lurking in your shadows? Or was your bonding with eagles already taking place? Was it there because it was watching over you: his kinsman? I don't know.
All I do know is that, suddenly, I burst into tears, and I ached for you as if I'd lost you yesterday. Pop held me and just patted my back whispering, I know, I know.
And he does know.
So to say that I am better, well, I have to put an asterik* behind that statement...But I think other people may be helped by my words. Maybe if they are told that you are always with me, and always gone, that you are here, but never here - I don't know. They need hope - it feels so hopeless - and maybe I can help them.
When you were a child, you said you could talk to animals, and babies. I believed you, because you believed it. And everytime we were in any public place and a baby was crying somewhere, when we encountered the baby, you would communicate with it in your own special Cole-Luke way, and they would end up smiling. It is your gift. You could make others smile, and you always helped whenever you could, when people were down. So maybe I have to write about you and I for others.
It is part of your legacy, my son. Well, I must go now for a bit. I am preparing to go with Pop to Talon's for Christmas and your birthday the next day. Tommy will be there, too. Pop and I took Christmas flowers up to your grave last Sunday, and the woods were quiet and cold. We shook the snow laden limbs off, and sat for a while, listening to the sounds of deep winter. We love you so much, and you will be in our thoughts every minute. This will be the 5th Christmas without you. You would be 23 the day after. What a man you would've been, My son - what a man you were - well, Merry Christmas, Cole, and Happy Birthday. You will be celebrated again, the group of us rejoicing in your birth, and what an impact you have had on so many. I just can't say I love you enough...
- with much love always, Mom
karyl silerzio
January 4, 2005
Dear Cole, We have reached another milestone that reminds us of your absence. Your cousin Anne graduated college 2 weeks ago and immediately started her first "real" job. Of course I'm thinking that you might have been right there graduating with her had you not been so tragically taken away from us. Though the pain of our loss is somewhat dulled, we still miss you. We think of you frequently and fondly. You'll always be in our hearts.
Love, Aunt Karyl
karyn ellingson
June 21, 2004
Dearest Cole, I just need to reach you so badly. I have been thinking of you so much of late. It has been blazing hot here under the midnight sun, and I guess, reveling in the heat has driven my thoughts even more to you, knowing how you would be melting and complaining. You were always happy in the heat in Mexico - ah, but that was Mexico... Everything is beautiful here. Blooming, buzzing, bounding... It is Solstice today. Another half year journey around the sun. I miss you so much. Yesterday was "Father's Day" and although unspoken, it is a tough occasion in our house. I thanked Pop for being the Father of my sons, and giving me the most important things in my life. I feel that I have accomplished nothing greater than having raised you boys. I regret so much not being able to instill in you a sense of personal safety that would've given you a millisecond "of warding" to have changed that fleeting moment in your journey towards death's door. Just a millisecond of thought may have changed everything. I can not see into the need for the cosmos to claim you, I have no insight into God's plan for taking you, and can only hope that as you did in life, you will continue to touch people and to help shape them into beings that will help each other. I can only hope that you will help guide me. I am so lost on the inside, I have really no real purpose when I think of it. I don't know what worth I bring to anyone, really. I have students that I know I have touched, but as for anyone else? I used to feel so fulfilled through my role as your mother, and that of your brothers, but I get very little real gratification from them anymore. I guess this is as it is supposed to be. The words are hollow. I love them so deeply, but I am outside of their circles now. Is this the way it is when children grow up and leave the nests to go forge their own paths? Or am I lost because you left so tragically, and your loss has overshadowed the natural order of things for me? I don't know. I just know that on this beautiful solstice day, I would give anything to have you pull in right now and need a big glass of lovely well water, like you used to. I love you, Cole, and someday, I know, you and I will meet again. When that time comes, please bring Merlin with you, because I miss that old cat, too, and I know you have found each other by now. Well, the sky and breezes call to me - I'll listen for the brush of your wings as I always do - Love forever, Mom
methanie ongtooguk
May 27, 2004
hey old friend,
i've been studying theories of time and space lately. i've come to the conclusion that my perception of space/time doesn't really matter because i'm trapped within minutes and years. if i change the way i perceive something, it doesn't actually change the thing itself. anyways, it always makes me think about how long it's been since we've had a cup of coffee and a smoke and how much longer it could be before we have that moment again. despite all this logic and science, loss still feels like loss and change still feels like change.
i am amazed at your ability to remain so social. you have been visiting so many people in so many different places. i'm thankful that you have found the time to visit me out here in the desert and that we've managed a few roadtrips together.
i'll be back in fairbanks for a few weeks this summer. i'll be listening for you.
love from the "luminous bubble"
methanie
Kati Volkmann
May 4, 2004
Cole,
Well I went back to Valdez last month, much is the same. Abbi and I stopped in the Pass, where we all lost you. It was very hard for me, but it's a little more real now. I still feel like I a can call you whenever and talk to you, but I remember I can't quicker. It's hard for us all to not have you around. Abbi and I talked about how the world is a much greyer having lost a person with such a spark in life. You impacted everyone around you's life so greatly, not many people have that gift.
I miss you so much and I hope that where ever you are, you are happy.
Kati
Karyn Ellingson
April 23, 2004
Hi Cole - I have been thinking about you a lot today. Random thoughts. I've been slowly gathering pictures of you for an album dedicated to just you. I am actually making two of them - one to give to Kathy for safe keeping, in case our house burned. Pop and I would be devastated to lose our only pictures of you. Silly, I s'pose, because you are so deeply imprinted on us, that a picture is merely a momento - a physical depiction of you. The real YOU that is never captured on film is within us all the time. Your spirit is ever strong around us and within us. I love you, sweet boy, and wish I could walk along somewhere - anywhere - holding hands with you again. You always made me so proud. I just can't stand that you are gone. This past Easter I thought a lot about the next life, the next realm in which I will be able to be with you. A short time from now. Earth years are a blink. So, see you a blink from now, young one... Love Always, Mom
karyn ellingson
March 23, 2004
Dearest Cole, Pop and I just returned from a blazing hot trip to Nevada. We rented a motorhome (which you would've loved), used the air conditioning 24/7 (which you would've loved), and enjoyed the heat... (which you would not have loved, being the Winter Kid that you were). We thought of you so often during our journey. I can't tell you the number of red-tailed hawks we saw. It occurs to me that you may know.
We arrived in Nevada on the eve of a full moon. We began our journey with the light of the moon, and the desert in bloom. It was beautiful! We seemed to spend most of our time in the high desert at about 5-7,000 feet. We saw pronghorn antelopes, mule deer, a coyote, jack rabbits, lizards, a snake, and many many hawks. I collected a bunch of lava rocks to give to my students, and it reminded me of when you and I collected sand dollars on the island in Prince William Sound together. We ran from discovery to discovery filling our pockets. It's interesting to me how simple actions and events, seemingly unrelated, will trigger my memories of you. You are always present in my mind and heart. Melded to me from before your conception, Young Son, and on through eternity.
I miss you constantly. Last night I was finishing up a photo album that I hadn't completed, and I ran across a small album of Grandpa CR's pictures of our family. Because of his injuries, he never knew that you left the earth before him; of course, now you are able to be together. When he passed on in December right after you, we found the small album in his belongings. He loved you so much and got such a kick out of your unique humor and quick wit. You looked so much like him in his younger years. Pop has a picture of his dad on his dresser, and it is remarkable how much you looked like Grandpa. Looking through those pictures of his, it struck me again and again how much you are missed, and how we all have lost so much without you. There's a hole in our lives that Pop and I are hard-pressed to fill.
Well, if you were those many red-tails visiting us throughout our trip, thank you for that. As always, I welcome your brushes past me, through me. Come again, little boy - Much love, Mom
Kati Volkmann
February 23, 2004
Cole,
Well I have good news, I am coming back to visit ALaska in April! I have so many emotions and thoughts about my trip, good and bad. I am hoping to see Talon, if he is still in Anchorage (I won't be able to get up to Fairbanks.) I am looking forward to seeing everyone back home. Those are the happy things, the sad thing is that you will not be there and my drive into Valdez will be the first time that I will see where the land took your life. I have had that on my mind a lot lately and have been wondering how I'll take it.
I hope to be strong, even though I know I am going to cry like the waterfalls. However I also feel like this is what I have been needing, now I may be able to say good-bye. I miss you so much and you are in my thoughts daily.
I wish I could see your family while I am there and maybe that wish will come true. I emailed Talon last week and I am hoping to hear from him.
I love you and miss you,
Kati
karyn ellingson
February 4, 2004
Dearest Cole, Again, as another full moon rises over the valley, and the snow glistens with soft moonlight, my thoughts drift to you. Pop and I were at the bookstore getting him some birthday books, and guess who wrote a new one? Feist - it is about time! He's back in Midkemia - yay! The name of his new book is Talon of the Silver Hawk... strange, eh? Sometimes I feel like there are messages everywhere - life contains few coincidences. We sent a copy to Talon early for his birthday a month from now. Pop is about halfway through his already - you know how he cruises through books. I just wish I had you to talk to about books. Pop's total commentaries on books usually amounts to that I really need to read this one. The end. You and I could pour over the language and the characters and the situations and the intrigue.Oh well, enough about books. Eventually you will have far greater tales to pass on to me. Marti sent a picture of Eli and his girlfriend to me. She is very cute and you would approve. Eli carries you deep in his heart still - but then you know that, too. We received a letter from you to you from a teacher at WVHS last week. I'm sure he had good intentions, never figuring you would be gone from this earth, and counting on you being surprised to read it and enjoy it's contents. We loved seeing your handwriting, but not your message. You know what you said. Even then you seemed to utter a precursor to your demise. You always thought about death, and wondered at the finality of it all, and there it was again in your high school message to yourself. A part of me wished I would open it and you would say, Mom, here's the way to bring me back - here's the password and secret code. I am reminded that the barrier between you on the other side of the veil and myself in this fleshy form is vaporously thin, and I'd give anything to rip it just a shade and let you return to me. I miss you so much. It is unbelievable how much. I can't think of a worse thing to have happened to Pop and I - we are still so devastated and we carry your loss with us every day avery moment. I think of you constantly. I am resigned to the fact that this is it. This is the fate we have been dealt. I remember our talk many years ago in AWOL when the seals were swimming to us, and it was another full moon night... we knew all was possible then. We never dreamed that this was the ALL we would get from all the possibilities... I love you, Son, and must close, as I just can't handle being here any longer. Not unless you ask me to stay. OK, waited long enough. - Love Always - talk to you again soon - How soon is SOON in the realm of ALWAYS...? Fly Fly fly...Love, Mom
Karyn Ellingson
January 17, 2004
Dearest Cole,
It is -39 today - pretty dang frigid, even by your standards, eh? I daresay this would not be a snowboarding Saturday for you. You'd be hanging out inside, either on the computer and/or phone - likely both at the same time. Or you'd be curled up reading some novel with a great adventure carrying you across unnamed and uncharted worlds, or reading something that furthered your search of what is, and the why and how of things. I miss talking to you so much. I'm glad we had your last day together. We had some good discussions, as I recall, about the meaning of it all. I loved stretching my mind with you - I could do that with you as I can with no other. Were you getting ready for your ultimate adventure then? At that time? Part of me thinks so. Someday I'll be able to ask you. I can't tell you how much I miss you. It is beyond words. Today while cleaning out an old desk I found little scribblings of yours, a couple of teeth for the tooth fairy, two bookmarks you made, a little book for Mother's Day in kindergarten. All I can hope for is that you had all you could have for the 18 years you were here. It seems like you did. It felt like you did. There could have been so much more, and that makes me crazy with grief and anger. I miss you, Son, and wonder if there will ever be a day when you can float through my mind and I am able to just smile and go on to another thought with the swiftness and lack of remorse that I would if I had just thought of a rainbow or a horse running across the plains or going skinny dipping in a warm hot spring after hiking several miles to get there... I don't know. You. You are a special one, Cole Luke. I love you so. Someday we'll talk again, I count on that. It's what I look forward to more than anything else. That one thing. Well, time to check on the bird feeders, make sure they have a bit more "fuel" to keep them going through the frigid night. You are always in my thoughts, with much love, Mom
Katrina Flores
January 2, 2004
My thoughts and my prayers go out to the family of Cole. I came across Cole's story while I was going to view my mom's guestbook(Brenda Flores,Az)I'm so sorry for your loss I know how it feels to lose a loved one I lost my mom on
1-27-03 so I know exactly how you are feeling. It will be a year soon that my mom has been gone from me and it has been so hard cause she was my mom and my best friend. Please remember that Cole is still with you in spirit and he is your precious angel that will always be watching over his family and friends. Cole is with you at all times cause you carry him in your heart. Please feel free to view and sign my mom's guestbook.
MAY GOOD BLESS YOU!!
With Love, Katrina
Kati Volkmann
October 7, 2003
Cole,
The days are growing shorter and I find myself thinking of you often this fall. Fall always meant that you would be staying in Fairbanks for the winter soon to come... (A sad time for me.)
I met some one in my economics class that reminds me so much of you. He makes everyone laugh and is completely silly, his voice and expressions are so familiar, it's as if I was looking at my dear friend and not some stranger. As much as it saddens me to be reminded; it's comforting in a way, to see your spunk and humor still on earth.
I found a picture of you recently while sorting through my basement. It's the one of you holding me across your arms at the teencenter. I put it in a magnet frame on the fridge. The picture of you sitting on by bed the last weekend we were together is in a frame in the living room. (The crazy thing with that is the frame that I have had it in for years is identical to the one my cousin gave me as a wedding gift with my Grumpy's picture in it.) Your senior picture is in my wallet, the one your mom sent me after you; you... I surround myself with you, I think of you when I see the deer eating at dusk, the hawk flying over, and the monarchs that frolic around.
I am always thinking of you, even if I am doing something that has nothing to do with anything we have done, I think of you.
It kills me, it hurts so much and I feel like that hurt will never go away. And that's partly because I won't let it, I need to hurt otherwise I feel like I have forsaken you and your memory.
Cole I wish you would visit; I know you do, with the animals and the memories. But I wish I could see you, in a dream or something, I need to. I need to know that you are okay and that you still care. You were and are a huge part of my world, I could never have imagined you not in it. And now I go through everyday with this reality. (I know I'm not the only one.)
There are days where I forget and for a split second I want to call you and hear your wonderful voice. The voice that gave me so much advice, so much love, and so many laughs.
I know I say this everytime but I don't understand, Cole I just don't get it!! I am so angry because I feel selfish. I want and need you here, your mom does, your dad, Talon, everyone. I know that's wrong and that you are in a better place; but guess what I'm not. I'm human and damn it you are needed here!!!!!!!
I'm sorry Cole, I'm sorry that I never got a hold of you, I'm sorry I didn't try harder to talk to you and I'm sorry that I push you away, I will regret that mistake until the day I am reunited with you. My dear friend...
I love you,
Kati
Wyan & Hank Grant
October 5, 2003
Nothing new to say that has not been said. I visited with your Dad this summer in a store. How time flies. Blessings to the family.
Karyn Ellingson
September 20, 2003
Sometimes, Cole, I find myself thinking, OK. Enough is enough. You've made your point. I've had it. You win. Just come home now.
Love you forever, Mom
Karyn Ellingson
September 7, 2003
Dearest Cole, On beautiful days like this, as I walk through the woods, listening, ever listening, my mind drifts to you. It is just the kind of day today that you would love. Crisp fall air, bluest of blue sky, yellows and greens, early red ground cover... all signs that the fall change is upon us, and winter will follow shortly behind.
It always make me so very sad that you are not here to revel in it - with me and with others who love you. But then I think to myself, that if you really ARE in a "better" place, perhaps you look upon my thoughts as, "Oh, Mom, if you only knew how good it will be..." I try to believe in that, Cole. It is the one and only thought that in any way perks me up. I truly want to believe that the beauty and love that I feel so much sorrow over you missing, is dwarfed by the fulfillment and exhilaration you feel every moment now. I pray that is true. I miss you so much, and look forward to the day we will be reunited again. An eternity to hang out with you is a good trade off, I guess, for the next pitance of time I'll spend thinking of my life without you in it.
I just found a little drawing you made on the inside pages of a yellow lined tablet Pop and I pulled out to make notes on. We turned a page, and there was Billy with no hair, and I don't know what the other little "map" was of. Hi to you, too, Cole. Thanks for the surprise.
Well, I am going to go out on the porch right now, and feel some of the afternoon warmth on my face, and listen for a raven to call to me... I love you, funny boy, Mom
Karyn Ellingson
August 20, 2003
God, Cole... August is a hard month to get through... I love you and think of you daily... moment by moment at times... Why is this still so hard? Well, gee, I do know the answer to that - Drift by for a visit, would you? or, maybe you are... Ever, and Ever, Mom
karyn ellingson
July 29, 2003
Hi Cole, I just returned from a wonderful trip to Tommy's, and then around the state with Karyl and Kathy. Tommy's great - loves you so much. He and Talon will be together on the night of August 7, and all day on August 8. I am so glad that the two of them will be together then. I'm sure we'll talk at some point. All of us will be thinking of you. It's so hard to believe that nearly three years has gone by since you left us. I thank you for the little signs from you that you are still able to be near us, however ethereal.
On the trip with my sisters, we first went to Talkeetna and stayed at the Roadhouse there. I soaked in the beautiful landscape, and the artistic and musical atmosphere, thinking of how much you liked Talkeetna... you seemed to be present everywhere. Then we went on to Talon's and then Homer. We stopped at the overlook before Homer, and an elderly pair of tourists asked us if we had noticed the eagle in the scrubby spruce tree in the distance? Wow. Then when we arrived at our Beachouse, there was an eagle at the top of the tree in our "yard" - in the morning we woke to his call, as he arrived for another hour in his lofty perch! We were so close to him!
Then we stayed in a roadhouse in Eureka during a real downpour, and our room had an eagle drawing on the wall.
Then our walk on the Gulkana River collecting rocks and driftwood gave each of us an eagle flight feather, and another lovely sighting soaring overhead.
While picking blueberries later, an eagle gave us quite a show defending his perch from an "attacking" local tern who was not very happy about his placement in the forest. She must've had a nest nearby...
As ever, I wonder about the timing of things. Were those all just coincidental sightings? Or were you dropping little signs and symbols of your ever presence in my life? I choose to believe the latter. It helps to think you are able to breakthrough to me. I remember we had many conversations about this... and I KNOW you would if you could, and if anyone could it would be you...
We're having our 3rd annual gathering to celebrate your life this Saturday night. A lot of your closest friends will be here, but a number of them will not be able to be either. They aren't home for the summer. I invited them all anyway, so I know Saturday night they will be celebrating with us from afar, and I know for sure that many a glass will be raised to you that night, as well as the ominous 8th.
I love you so much, Cole. You are ever in my heart and always in my mind. Thank you for traveling with me. Love, Mom
Kati Volkmann
June 26, 2003
Cole,
Hmmm, I have thinking about you so much lately. I keep wondering where my life would be now if you were still around. If I would be married, would I be so mixed up between sad and happy. I can't except that I can be both.
I love you in a way that I can't explain, it's so deep and precious. I have been remembering the times we had way back. Little things that make me smile, I keep them to myself because they are the parts of you that belong to me. To us... Why, why Cole? I'm sure you know why, and I know that you are in wonderful place watching all of us that you love.
But I can't understand!!! I am mad and I just want to know why. I want to know that you are there and when you are there. I want to know that you remember, that when I think about our times you think about them too. Like when we met, the dances, the times that I hold so dear to my heart. I want to know that you think of them too.
I love you Cole and I always will, you will always hold part of my heart.
Your's,
Kati
karyn ellingson
June 26, 2003
Oooh! Big ol' shiny black raven flight feather laying outside - Pop came carrying it in - thank you... Love you love you so - Mom
Karyn Ellingson
June 21, 2003
It is Solstice today, Cole, and if the heavens celebrate such things, here it is. Mankind and Elvenkind alike have always celebrated solstice, stepping out the rituals of the days of the seasons. I think of you today, as I do every day, but especially today. This morning while sitting outside the raven that hangs out near here was making quite a raucous, and I wondered what was going on, so I talked back to him and he and I had quite the interchange for a while... Oh, little boy, how I miss you. Pop woke me at 5:10 this morning because we had a cross fox outside. It circled the chicken coop, and then the house and yard. It was very cool. I am so glad we have you here with us, and that your sanctauary is here on the land you loved, in this valley and home with us. The other day Pop and I were talking about how you used to say that you talked to animals. I believed you then, and now, I know you are with me. I love you so - Mom
Katherine Jarman-Volkmann
June 18, 2003
Dear Cole,
I really don't know where to begin. I am so sorry I haven't gotten back here sooner, I tried to find the card your mom sent to me way back with the webpage address but in the midst of moving I was unsuccessful; well until today.
I am at work, Saturn of Milwaukee, I am the receptionist at night. I got married last year on April 20th. I am sure you were there but it wasn't enough, I wanted you there with William and Abbi! I wanted us to be together again! Why, why did it have to be like this? It wasn't suppose to happen like this, we were suppose to be able to see eachother get married, have kids, grow old, have grand kids!! Then leave, then say good bye, not the other way around. I am so mad right now!! I hate being scared, I hate not knowing what's going to happen! You were supposed to always be there to talk to and cry with.
I always think about you no matter what I am doing, I always see people that look like you in some way and it drives me crazy!! I wondered one day if maybe I was seeing you and it was your way of letting me know you were there. Then I felt crazier than before.
I miss you there is no way around it I miss you and wish I had been able to talk to you before. I know I wouldn't have known what was going to happen, but hind sight is 20-20.
I want to take my husband Shaun to Valdez in the next few years and I want to take him out on a Charter and I think of you and your family. I want to go with Goodhand Charters, it won't be the same but maybe it'll give me time to heal. I miss your mom and Talon. Karyn if you read this please email me.. I would really like talking to you. However I am scared to email you for the fear that you don't remember me. So if you do I would love to hear from you.
I should go now seeing how I am at work. I love you Cole and nothing will ever change that!!!
Your faithful and loving friend,
Kati
Karyn Ellingson
June 17, 2003
Dear Youngest Son... The summer days have been hot and long of late. It is so beautiful out - the green hurts my eyes! Your sanctuary glows. Travis and Marilyn came for a visit - it was good to see them - I'm sure you felt Trav. I miss you so much. It is amazing to me that your absence is felt so strongly still - it haunts me everyday and in all of my quietest moments. In the evenings when I am sitting on the porch, with nothing but the wind for company, you are there. When I am walking in the woods listening to birds, you are there. I have become accustom to that now, knowing that your loss is such a part of my life. I wish so much that I had you here just a little longer, that I could have you back for some stretch of moments. I found a little book you made for me for Mother's Day in kindergarten I had tucked in the back of the old desk. I haven't thought of it for years, and then of course looking through it was like yesterday. Your handwriting and invented spellings were so tenuous, and held such hope for the future. Each page held promise. I miss you so much. I ache for you so. Well, the day calls me, Son. Light breezes and long days... I love you, Cole Luke. Mom
Ellingson Karyn
May 24, 2003
Hi Cole - We celebrated Eli and Jacob both graduating last week - Eli was home for a few days to honor his brother before they all left for Cornell to honor him. It just seemed like you should've been there. Talon couldn't come either - and so you were both missing. At least I can call him - when I call you, just the whisper of the wind returns my call - unless that raucous raven has been speaking for you lately... he has been so pesky with the pups, and he and I converse as he swoops about teasing them... I wonder when he lands on the spruce tops if he hasn't been guided in his efforts...? I miss you so much. Yesterday was exceptionally difficult for me - saying goodbye to some students of mine that have known you through me having had them for three years, and knowing that starting next year, my students will not know you unless I tell them. It's just another knife twisting acknowledgement that time marches on, and you fall deeper into a past time on this earth. A past time that for me remains ever so much a part of me. Can a child ever be separate from their mother? I don't think so - not from my view anyway. Cori came to visit last Tuesday and we had several hours together talking about her plans and how we both feel your presence so often. She loved you so much, too - you have touched so many people - Bev, Cori, Eli, you were so special. A Gift to us. It was so good to see Cori - almost seemed you were in the chair next to us. You would love what she has been doing - bien? Well, cool summer breezes call to me, and I feel the need to walk up to your spot in the woods to sit on your rock a while - see if I can't have a conversation with that raven and see what flowers are coming up in celebration of you and the renewal of life on the earth. Come visit me for a bit... I love you - miss you - so much, young one... Eternally, Mom
Beverly O
May 6, 2003
Oh Cole,
I've been thinking about you so much lately. Your friends, Christine, Carlan, Rachel, and I have just wrapped up a benefit for Iraqis through Doctors Without Borders, and I just kept feeling that you approved of what we were doing. I miss you so much Cole. I love you, but you always knew that. Take care of your family. I'll talk to you later, and think of you always,
Love~Beverly
Karyn Ellingson
April 17, 2003
Hi Cole, I'm just looking at your face... remembering your nose, your lips, your great eyes, the depth of the blue - your hair - it felt so good to rub backwards, stiff and strong - I'm just looking at your face - Mom -
Karyn Ellingson
April 10, 2003
Hi Cole - Spring is on its way, and I have something funny to tell you - the puppies, who don't know you, just love to romp up into the woods to visit "you" and your rock. We have candles and flowers all around here and there...why tell you that? Of course you know that - you reside in those branches... but I digress. The pups have lately been appearing at the house with candles in their mouths... fun new chewy play things, that are suddenly becoming something that their teeth will sink into - So, now I have a little collection to bring back up there, with little puppy teeth marks in them. I wonder if the birds and squirrels have scolded them for their actions? Anyway, with water dripping, snow looking pretty ugly and icy, winter is waning. Your season is winding down. I miss you so much. I'd like to ask a favor - If you have any "pull" at all anymore, please try a hand at helping to guide your brothers into making some good safe decisions... Talon is needing some good thoughts, and you could make a difference, perhaps. We all miss you so much. Days like this I just feel like you could come strolling in... big smile, in a hurry, needing something - make me laugh, instead of cry... Love forever, Mom
Karyn Ellingson
March 23, 2003
Our nation is at war, my son. You would certainly be grieving for the losses of our children in this fight for freedom and peace in the world, and the hope of safety in our nation. It is a very misunderstood war. There is unrest throughout the world as to the why of all of it, but one thing is certain: there are forces at work to undermine our countries greatness. Our family prays daily for the strength to withstand the evil that is knocking at our doors, so democracy and freedom can prevail in our nation and abroad.
Red, white, and blue candles have been placed on your rock for you. I spent more than an hour up in the woods at your sanctuary, listening, pondering, wondering. I don't understand much of anything that has taken place since the dreaded year of 2000 came and went. So much loss. I can hardly bare it. I lit candles for you and both grandma and both grandpas... I love you so much - I pray for you, and for our country, and for your brothers who struggle to make sense of the world you have left behind... The days are dark ahead - I wish I had your strength - Mom
karyn ellingson
March 8, 2003
Dearest Cole - Talon was here a couple weeks ago, and he borrowed some of your nice shirts for a job interview. He came down from your room, and was quite shaken, having just been in your closet - he could smell you. We locked in a tearful hug over you - young brother and youngest son. My God, how we miss you. We went to Talon's in Anchorage for his birthday last weekend, and he has such a nice little place. Your picture is hanging on his bedroom wall. He misses you and so do we. In so many respects it still seems as though you should be just be off on a trip somewhere and we should be be getting a postcard from you any day now. Well, of course you should be. I'm so bummed out still, and don't understand this. I wish so much to have you back, and reflect so often about times in the past, things you said, you learning to talk, your deep voice, movies we watched, your birth, holding you all night long on your first night in the world and looking into your dark blue eyes urging you to perk up - whispering to you that life was worth living, that you had everything ahead of you. Our lives are so different now. I can't really ever imagine being truly happy again. The kind of happy you have when you lie back in deep grass and listen to the wind and KNOW that life couldn't be better. That all is perfect. I will never feel that again, because I know that life was better once, and that was on the evening of August 7, 2000, when you told us that you loved us so much... and we said good night, and we heard your voice echoing down the dock... well, Cole, here I go again, feeling the regrets of a time I can't change. One saving grace is knowing that as I get older the time approaches when I will see you again. I miss you so much. Pop and I and your brothers miss you... Much love eternally, Mom
Karyn Ellingson
January 9, 2003
My young one - I don't know why the last message I wrote to you was not printed here - I feel bad about that. But, I also know that you know what I wrote, and that the printing of it is merely a physical courtesy. You are so missed, my son. I still don't understand WHY YOU? So much to say - whispers, whispers - I had a dream recently of you - very strong. Gosh, boy, I love you. More later - just thoughts - Forever, Mom
Love forever Mom
Bev O'Donnell
November 19, 2002
Cole, not a day goes by that I don't think of you. Some snippet of you, a laugh or a smile, seeing your really good friends that are always associated with you in my mind. Even now, ocasionally I'll think that I see you in a store, and that surge of excitement that starts in my chest over seeing a long lost friend, becomes a lump in my throat when I realize that I will have no new conversations with you to add to my memories. I'll never know how you managed to touch me so deeply in such a short time, but I know that I was blessed to have you as a friend and boyfriend. Sorry I missed your celebration this year. Take care of your family, your mom especially. Love, Beverly
Karyn Ellingson
October 30, 2002
Dearest Cole, Here I am again - staring at this black and white photo of your young face, with your intelligent eyes looking back at me - full of depth and sensuality. You were so aware and yet so innocent all at the same time. I am still so crushed that you are gone. There isn't a day that goes by without many many thoughts of you drifting through my mind all day long. It's just about Halloween. I think of all the Halloween's of the past - all the overnight parties you and Talon had - well, actually, Talon had, when you were little kids. You were that "included little brother" for the longest time. Zachary is going to be Spiderman this year. Remember when you were Spiderman? You loved pretending you had a web slinger. You loved dressing up so much, and I always really loved sewing those costumes for you and Talon. Zachary reminds me of you. Tommy thinks you have a presence in his son also. It's just a quiet sort of part of Zach - like you when you were a little guy. I cherish the bits and pieces of memories that I have of you. Like a jigsaw puzzle, they all fit together to create a man that the little boy grew to be. I miss you so much. Every day. I ache for you and need something - YOU, ultimately, but reality and gravity both doing what they do...
I know that all I can do is remain wistful, keep finding a reason to go on another day, keep promising myself that someday I will see you again, keep fighting back the urge I have to cry myself to sleep. I keep telling myself to just get over it - GET OVER IT? Like it's possible. Know one really knows what a great son you were to me, the great bonds you and I had, and how they are so missing in me now. You know. You always knew. I feel so empty, and try as I might, I think that void will simply remain. A hollow place that will just have to remain a hollow place. A place where only echos collide and bounce around off of each other in search of your voice, Cole, in search of your voice. I miss you so much, and feel so low right now. All hollowseve... hollowseve...
well, I just came in from letting in the puppies, and in answer to my pleas, a great horned owl was hooting up in the woods - from YOUR direction. A good omen. The dude abides. I love you, eternally - Mom
Karyn Ellingson
October 5, 2002
Well, my dear young son, your favorite holiday is nearly here - and lately, with the leaves having fallen off the trees, and the dusty swirling of the nearly snowflakes in the brisk air, I can't help but reflect on how you loved this change in the air. You'd have your snowboard out to get it ready for it's upcoming winter, and you'd be looking in the magazines for boots and/or bindings again... your cheeks would have that rosy glow when you came in. You'd probably have some old hat on with the edges rolled down over your ears, that you'd find in the back of your car - one left by someone - because yours was probably in their car. You'd have on a pair of Pop's green gloves.
You'd be in the middle of a bunch of different books, some strewn about the seats of your car, and others aroundabout in the house with bookmarks in various places, and you'd have conversations on the net going on with a variety of folks in the state and in the 48, about all sorts of topics.
Life death education freedom turtles warm sand causes and back again.
Thinking of your "possibles" for today help ease the horror of what is not.
I was up in the meadow the other day and a raven and and I had quite a conversation there. Quoth the raven...nevermore. Or, Cole, was it evermore? I asked him point blank if you were there. Was that you? I asked. Is this you, Cole? I inquired. And both times, he answered, unhesitatingly, responded with yes, Mom, don't you recognize me? I fly, now, Mother, I visit, and I am here. Again, still, you bring me to my knees with humility and anxious longing. It's all so vast, so big, you are so far, and yet you talk to me, you call me and visit me. Please don't let me fail to recognize you. Please don't let me do that. Just keep hitting me on the head with your profound presence in my life and never stop visiting me. I miss you so: I'll take you with beak, wing, soft caws, raucous rantings. Oh, Cole. I'll get a jack o lantern up to you soon - get those candles lit for winter skies. The next full moon is for you - Love and more, Mom
Karyn Ellingson
September 11, 2002
Hi Sweetheart - I'm thinking of you today - and everyday - I love you love you - God, how I miss you - Mom
Sarah Mitchell
August 8, 2002
Cole~
It's been two years and we all still miss you. I still miss you. Whenever I come back to town, I find myself foolishly wishing that you're here...but I have to find satisfaction in enjoying the memory of you. We'll toast to you tonight, my friend.
Karyn Ellingson
August 8, 2002
Dearest Cole,
Today is two years. Last night I could barely sleep. I woke at 4:45, and Pop was sitting up on the edge of the bed. He'd been awake for a while.
This morning is very foggy, and there is a soft rain drumming on the roof. It's quiet in the woods; the light of the morning is a pale greenish gray, and the junco's, chickadee's, and grosbeak's are making frequent visits to the feeders, looking rather matted and bedraggled from their time spent in the wet branches. The air carries the smell of smoke from the forest fires that are 100 miles away.
I'm trying to think of you calmly today. No blame, no regrets. Just missing you, and with that, a large piece of my heart and soul. With every passing day, the time comes closer that we we will meet again.
I love you, Son - Always - Mom
Karyn Ellingson
August 5, 2002
Just a few days, Cole. This week is like a slow motion movie for me - I find myself thinking of our last days, last meetings, reliving the moments, the words, the energy, of that week. I s'pose a part of me is searching for some thing, any thing, that Pop and I could have done that could have made a difference that week, that could have in any way altered the tragedy that occurred that fateful Tuesday night. I honestly can't think of anything. It does me no good to do this - just drags the horror into the foreground.
The one thing that does nag me, tho, is the incredible feeling of foreboding and dread I carried for that sunmmer. Pop, you, Talon, kept telling me it was just my paranoia and fear, an ordinary fear, but I just couldn't shake the waves of fear that would rush through me. Something was going to happen, and I knew it. It was going to happen to you. And all the while you were growing in confidence, sureness, mellowness. You were achieving a sense of calm and direction, independence, and we were so proud of you. I began to believe that it was just me, just my feeling of loss of my last child out of the house.
I don't know. Now I know that I really was having these feelings of an outcome-yet-to-be. And I wonder, how does one determine when it is really something to act on, and what could have been done? If we'd had you stay to watch a movie with us, would you have not gone up to the pass that night? If, if, if. No, your fate was ordained, and the fog rolled in, the acccident took place, and even though I had this overwhelming feeling, I couldn't have changed or altered lifes course for you, for us.
I just wish that somehow I could get you back for an hour, a minute, long enough to hold you at arms length, look you in the eyes, and tell you how much I cherish you, then hug you close and whisper thank you for being in my life, for being a son who made me feel so proud to be your mother, and then I'd just keep squeezing you until my minute was up, and your body would fade from my grasp. Oh Cole. I love and miss you so. It still seems so unbelievable that this happened to you. Mom
Ellingson Karyn
August 2, 2002
I miss you, Cole. Everyday gets closer to a full two year cycle of the sun since I hugged you last. It will be one week from today - that dreaded worst day of my whole life. Worst minute. Worst moment. My worst fear. I miss you so much. We will try again to celebrate your life with friends and family, the night after tomorrow, who will gather to honor you. And an honor it was, young man, and an honor it is. Talon will be here, of course. Much love to you, Son. You surround me these days... Circle on over if you are near... brush past me soon. Love you so always, Mom
Karyn Ellingson
July 20, 2002
Youngest Son - I was sitting on the porch tonight enjoying the sun set with the rainstorm moving away, and I found myself watching the dragonflies circling low in the grass. Of course, I began to think of you, my Dragonfly Boy. As I listened to the crisp crinkling sound of their wings, I remembered a little boy who was very nervous and apprehensive about that "big dragonfly" that landed on his leg...
I remember running into the house assuring you of what great luck you were having and that I'd get the camera. That dragonfly sat on your leg, with you holding so still, remember(?) for about 10 minutes. I still think you were lucky. And I will always think of you when I see dragonflies. Always and always. I love you so much, Cole Luke, and I miss that little boy, as well as the man he became... I just miss you so - Mom
Karyn Ellingson
July 2, 2002
Dearest Cole, I've just now returned from Illinois, after the death of my mom, your grandma. I have thought a zillion times of things I wanted to tell her or talk to her about - just call her up and chat a bit - sound familiar? It's very hard to accept all the losses of this past nearly two years. Pop and I have lost both of our dad's, my mom, and you - ever and foremost, YOU. And we've lost others along the way, an uncle, Anne and Sams grandma, niece Dedes husband...
Intellectually, I know death is an integral part of life, and that we all must face it, but the losses are so devastating to our every day lives. The emptiness and helplessness is so pervasive and vast. This past month has been a blur. Did you feel me when I mentioned you over and over again? I'm sure everyone got sick of me mentioning you - not you for Your sake, but in the sense that losing Mom was different, and so why bring you up? You were the past - I should get into the present - but you are in the present for me. I live with your loss, your life, your painful haunting reality, every moment of every day, and here IT was again: the spectre of death. Only slowly; agonizingly slowly. Having to feel the ripping of my mother from me as a slow tearing, unlike you: a massive wrenching. Instant. Violent. Immediate. No recourse.
But of course, there was no recourse with Mom either - even with what felt like so much time.
I've learned that when death has the grip on you, there is no recourse.
The first thing I did after waking yesterday was to go up to your sanctuary in the woods. I spent about an hour up there, sitting, listening to the wind, looking for wildflowers yet to arrive. I felt bad at first that I hadn't been there for a month to care for your spot, but then I saw the life that was thriving, the light that filtered through the trees, heard the ravens that were talking to each other in the treetops, and I realized that you hadn't been abandoned by those who cared. Your guardians were still there. I love you so much, Cole. Take care of my mom, would you? You have all four of your grandparents now, and lucky for them, they have you. I miss you so much. I just do. This pain is a part of me now... always and forever, my love to you, Mom
karyn ellingson
June 6, 2002
Dear Cole - As I sit here at the bedside of my mom - Grandma E - with my brothers and sisters, I can't help but wonder if you are standing in the shadows of the doorway, listening and watching our vigil from across the threshold. She's murmered Dad's name several times. She told Kristi that he was "right here" with her in the room. I know you're here, too, and are ready to welcome her. I know she is now peering in to the realm we can only wonder about. The day I received the call to hurry to Chicago, we were returning up the Seward Highway, eagles circling, rain gently falling, spectactular mountain vistas, the oceans tides the highest of the year. I felt your presence in all we did, and knew somehow that you were near, as I know you are near every day. Welcome your Grandma into the eternal circle with you. Hold her close, for I am afraid she is hesitant still to join you and Grandpa, reluctant perhaps to leave us. I know you are in a better place than she is right now. Welcome her to the currents and help her soar with you to find the peace she's earned. I love you so much, young son, and think of you always. Visit me... Mom
Karyn Ellingson
May 12, 2002
Dear Cole - Here it is Mother's Day - I remember so vividly how special you made Mother's Day for me, always giving me something special and thoughtful - little things - the last Mother's Day we had together I remember we went to see The Mummy. Fitting, eh? Last year, Mother's Day morning,a goshawk swooped through the yard - thank you for that. You're still giving me so much - more than I could wish for, really. I miss you so much. Today, Pop and I are bringing flowers up to you...it seems like the right thing to do...Oh dear God, I still don't understand. You were so much a part of me, and still are of course, but I just miss touching you. Thank you for every moment you gave to me. Thank you for every time we walked through your high school and held my hand. Thank you for the kiss goodbye in front of everyone and anyone - you were never afraid to show your love for me. Never. I am so proud to have been your mother. Thank you for every moment. Thank you for the last words we ever heard that baritone voice of yours say to - "Love you both..." Thanks for being with me today. Love, Mom
VICKY EDWARDS
May 4, 2002
DEAR COLE,
I SEE THAT YOUR MOM IS STILL MISSING YOU, AS MUCH AS I'M MISSING MY SHANE. IT'S STRANGE HOW THE LORD SENDS YOU SIGNS, SUCH AS THE EAGLES TO LIFT YOU UP. WE HAVE SEEN SOME OF THE MOST BEAUTIFUL SUNSETS SINCE THE PASSING OF OUR SON. I SAW A SUNRISE GOING TO WORK, THAT WAS THE MOST MAGNIFICENT, I'VE EVERY SEEN. WITH THE CLOUDS, YOU COULD SEE EVERY RAY, LIKE A KID WILL DRAW A PICTURE OF THE SUN. IT WAS AS IF I GLIMSPED A LITTLE BIT OF WHAT HEAVEN'S GOING TO BE LIKE. HOLD TIGHT TO THOSE FOND MEMORIES OF COLE. THE WORLD WAS A BETTER PLACE FOR HAVING HAD THEM.
LOVE IN CHRIST,
VICKY EDWARDS
HE WILL LIFT YOU UP ON EAGLE WINGS
Anonymous
March 25, 2002
Hey Cole,
I hope that somehow you're aware that I still miss you very much! I find myself telling stories about you all the time, and my thoughts turn to you when I'm in need of inspiration. It's amazing how much impact you had on my life. Why did it have to be for such a short time? I wish I could answer that question.
I'll always love and admire you. Take care.
Ellingson Karyn
March 5, 2002
My dearest Cole,
Pop and I just came back from visiting Talon for his 22nd birthday a couple days ago, and as we drove out of Anchorage, two beautiful bald eagles circled overhead, and one swooped down towards the highway in front of us, tilting its wings... of course, we smiled and wished you well. You're always in my thoughts, everyday, every morning, with every breath. I wish so much that I could see you, visit with you once again. Talon and Andrea are doing well, and we all mentioned you often over the weekend. It seemed odd not to have you with us for Talon's birthday - to make us laugh like you always did. Well, if that was you circling overhead, come visit again. I miss you so much. It is amazing to me that I still catch myself in disbelief. I love you, Cole - Mom
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