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Matthew Freeman Obituary
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Memories and Condolences
for Matthew Freeman
Sponsored by Matt's Parents, Josh Freeman and Cathy Kallal.
Russ Leander
April 5, 2025
Good morning Matt. I woke up this morning thinking of you. Just wanted you to know.
Still sending you love and thanks for our friendship.
Russ Leander
Amy Freeman
December 13, 2024
12/13/2024
Dear Matt,
I often wonder whether you chose Friday the 13th on purpose or whether it was chance. I´ve always thought that you chose it, but way too sadly you aren´t here to ask. Today is Friday the 13th, and while I always miss you - for whatever reason, today I feel it more. I love all of you, the teeny baby that snuggled in my arms, the toddler who woke up from naps yelling "Haaamy, want fumpf fries", the gapped tooth little boy that found wonder in everything, the nerdy baseball statistician, the awkward adolescent, and the charming and troubled young man. I love you deeply and wish that I could talk to you today.
Tante Amy
Joshua Freeman
December 11, 2024
Every year it seems more and more unbelievable that you are gone! I miss you and your take on what is going on in the world. Love, Poppa
Russell Leander
February 7, 2024
Hi Matt: I think of you. Still. Love, Russ Leander
Joshua Freeman
December 11, 2023
Becky notes you would have been 45. Unbelievable. And it is 21 years. Also unbelievable.
But believe we love you and miss you so much! I keep wanting to turn to you and ask you about things. There is, as she says, nothing new to say and everything to say. Love, love, love...
Becky Freeman
November 6, 2023
Matt,
Yesterday would have been your 45th birthday. How I wish you were here to celebrate with. Thinking about you constantly lately. It´s that time of year, again. There is everything still to say, and there is nothing new to say.
Miss you always.
Love, Tante Becky
Joshua Freeman
December 11, 2022
In 2 days it will be 20 years! 20 years sounds like such a long time. It IS such a long time! And, yet, while it doesn't seem like yesterday it is still very much there, very painful, very sad. There would have been a lot that you would have hated about this world, but it needed you very badly.
Josh Freeman
December 14, 2021
19 years, Matt, 19 years. None of us can believe it. Who would you have been now? We miss you, and love you very much.
Joshua Freeman
November 5, 2021
Matt, today you would be 43! So hard to think, so long to miss you. We had dinner tonight with Cathy and Maurice, Becky and Bill, and Janet Schwartz in your memory.
We love you very much.
Joshua Freeman
December 11, 2020
Dear Matt: Your "anniversary" is still two days away, but by then the tears in my eyes will probably not let me write. Hard enough now. It is one more year, one more year that you didn't live to see, one more niece, Zoe, to join your nephew Harry, that you will never meet. Harry reminds me of you, looks a lot like you, and is really smart like you. Zoe is not yet 11 months and will be walking very soon. You'd really love them, and you'd really like Adam's wife Jess, and you would be really proud of your brother.
It is one more year, and the pain and sadness persists.
We miss you very much.
Love
Pop
Ellen and Keith
November 1, 2020
Remembering that smile that lit up your whole face and that crazy laugh and remembering you, Matt, with love. Holding you and your family in our hearts.
Joshua Freeman
December 13, 2019
Matt, we visited the beautiful site where your ashes rest. After 17 years, is it easier? Maybe but I miss you and wonder who you would be and want to talk with you and find out so much. We are very sad. Love, Poppa
Joshua Freeman
November 5, 2018
Nov 5, 2018. Next month it will be 16 years since you took your life. The pain for those of us you left is still profound.
Today would have been your 40th birthday. What could have happened to and for you and us is something we'll never know. We don't know if it would have been, in one of your common phrases, "all good", but at least some of it would have been good. GPa Herbie just turned 94, and you died 70 years younger. We miss you so much, we still love you so much. I wish you were her for me to say "Happy Birthday, Matt!".
Poppa
Russ Leander
February 15, 2018
You've been on my mind. It's still tough knowing you're not here with us. 2018 could use your kind soul.
Rebecca Freeman
December 13, 2016
I lit a yarzheit candle today. No so much for solace, but it marks the day we lost you. I really, really miss having you around. I know it would have been such a good time when we saw each other, I would be so proud and always, always love you.
Tante Becky.
Joshua Freeman
November 5, 2014
Matt, today you would have been 36. Not yet middle-aged, but getting there, and yet you are not. 12 years is a long time, but the pain of missing you does not go away. I thank all of those who remember us and remember you and contact us. Happy Birthday, Matt, wherever you are. Love, Poppa
Russell Leander
February 12, 2014
Hey Matt: I've been in contact with your Mom recently and just typing your name in a message to her brings back memories of cigarettes, coffee and our discussions of life's mysteries. Thanks for it all. Love, Russ
Joshua Freeman
November 4, 2013
November 5, 2013
Matt, it is 35 years since you were born. I remember that day very well, anticipating whether you would turn around or if your mom would need a Caesarean section. Turned out you didn't, and she did, and when you came out I can never remember being happier. I called your grandparents and when asked what (i.e., what sex) I said “It's a baby!”. I loved you so much, and I still do and I miss you because you are not 35 years old, you are no longer with us. I can only imagine how you might be now that would be different from you were at 24. I can look around at your friends and lovers, at Erin and Tequia and Joe and see what they are doing, and look at Adam who is 31 and has a good and interesting job and is going to be marrying Jess and wonder how you might be, and all I can think of is that you would be you. Smart, and caring, and kind, and sometimes, unfortunately for the rest of us, too silent about the most important things that were going on in your mind.
The world is in many ways a different place than it was 11 years ago, at least measured by the rapid pace of technological change. You never had a cell phone (that was by choice); now everyone has one, and a “smart” phone at that, and is on Facebook and email. Of course, you wouldn't have liked the intrusion into your life when you didn't want it; you were the original “12 messages on the answering machine! Too many! Delete all!”. You have also been spared the 1984 intrusion of both government and corporations into all our email and web activities and phone calls, which you would have hated. But, I think, fundamentally, you would have been the same, both because who you were, we all are, is much deeper than these ephemeral changes, and because you never had great optimistic expectations for how the world would change. Yes, values, no question about it, but you never let your values cloud your understanding of the probable direction in which we were headed. Indeed, while I can never know this, I believe that this was no small part of the most significant decision that you ever made, to end your life.
Andrea is now married to Cheryl; we went to the ceremony in DC where they live now, and Stefanie and Paul came as well as Sarah, and her husband James who you never met, and their daughter Sabine who I had never met. Andrea and Cheryl seem so happy!
But, you see, we needed you, and we need you. The world has Adam, and Jess, and Erin, and lots of other wonderful people, but there are never enough. You wisdom is missed, and your love. At the last (outstanding) Matthew Freeman Lecture in Social Justice, I talked with Heather, and she told me about how some things you had told her long ago were helpful to her now. I can't talk about the details, but you know. They have asked me to be on the Board of Trustees of Roosevelt, and I have accepted, and now I have an excuse to go to Chicago to see Adam and Jess four times a year, and (at least for now) see the block where they live, that Cathy and I lived on before you were ever conceived!
I see other people's children, and young people that I work with, medical students and residents growing ever younger, younger mostly than you or Adam, and I think about you every day and I miss you so much. I wish you were here. And I love you.
Poppa
December 17, 2012
It is hard to believe that it is ten years since I heard a familiar name on a television broadcast and then the shock and sorrow to learn that it was true. The sadness never goes away whenever I think of Matt.
Lil Schwartz
December 17, 2012
It is hard to believe that it is ten years since I heard a familiar name on a television broadcast and then the shock and sorrow to learn that it was true. The sadness never goes away whenever I think of Matt.
Lil Schwartz
December 17, 2012
It hardly seems like ten years that I heard a report on TV with a name that I knew. I was sure it had to be a mistake, but I checked it out and still feel the same shock and sense of loss that I did back then. I do think of Matt and his parents. The loss and hurt never goes away.
December 17, 2012
Memories of Matt are always with me. They bring joy and ask hard questions. Often I think of how Matthew touched the lives of so many, a circle that brings us all just a bit closer together. In loving memory/ps
Joshua Freeman
December 14, 2012
Matt
The years go by but the pain does not lessen. You have not changed, and it is additionally sad; Adam is about to be engaged, and you don't know; your friends have had children and you don't know them. No one can take away our memories of you, but neither can we lose the sadness that we have over no new ones being created.
I, we, all of us, miss you terribly.
Poppa
December 13, 2012
10 years, how can that be. So much has happened and changed, except that we are still missing you, your life and changes being part of it all. I have lost people since you left, but none so hard as you, none as young and close as you. For you thier is no solace, only resignation interspersed with pain. Maybe this weekend we will have rain. Maybe I'll see a rainbow. Maybe at holiday together, the family will toast your memory and the sheer pleasure you were in our lives.
Love always, Tante Becky
Dan Cruzat
December 18, 2011
Matt,
I'm a couple of days late, but wanted you and your family to know you're in my thoughts. We really should have grabbed that beer when you called, I would have liked to have swapped early professional horror stories with you. I still think I could whip you at Ninja Gaiden any day of the week, still say that Public Enemy rocks harder than Nirvana. Next year I promise I will do my best to make sure Erin gets some flowers. I miss you mang. Someday...
Joshua Freeman
December 15, 2010
Matt
I think about you all the time, but this season is always hard, from your birthday to the anniversary. This year the Matthew Freeman Memorial Lecture in Social Justice at Roosevelt was on Dec 6, just a week before the anniversary, making it harder, but it was a very good lecture. And great to spend the weekend with Adam.
I wish we could just have the lecture without it having to be "memorial". I miss you very much.
Poppa
December 14, 2010
Hello Matty:
As usual, GPaH is a day late and a dollar short, but you have been on and in my mind.
Grandpa Herb
Megan Hustings
December 17, 2009
Miss your laugh Matt. And nobody could hug my sister like you could.
Much love
mariann shinoskie
December 14, 2009
thinking all of you...i am in such denial of the passage of time and the inevitablity of the ways of the world.
Herb Freeman
December 13, 2009
Been thinking of you since your birthday.
GPa herb
Joshua Freeman
December 13, 2009
Oh, Matt, Amy tells me you sent her a rainbow this morning; too overcast in KC to see it.
But we love you and miss you so very much.
Josh Freeman
December 14, 2008
Matty, Matty
This never gets any easier, does it?
Yesterday was the 6th anniversary, and I miss you so very much. I will never understand, and I will always love you.
Poppa
Herb Freeman
December 13, 2008
Hello Matt
Josh Freeman
October 30, 2008
October 30, 2008
Matt:
I am missing you very much. It is always hardest at this time of year, with your birthday coming up next week, the day after election day where, amazingly enough, we are probably going to elect a Black President. Unbelievable! You would have loved it, and been active in the campaign, and of course appropriately critical.
But also Yonkel Dog Freeman, who you never met, but in some very important ways is tied to you because he is here to give us love, is hurt. I picked him up from the people who were sitting for him yesterday with his eye all swelled up; today, the vet drained the abcess from a bite. He will be OK but he has this big funnel collar on that gets in the way, and I want to sit and hold him and stroke him as I remember you did when Shiny was sick. And of course, died, which Yonkel won’t, but you would be so good at comforting him. Except you did, die, and I wish so much that you hadn’t, that you were here, that you had been here for the last six years and the next 60 or 70.
You were love, you are, and I love you very much, and miss you so much.
Poppa
Herbert Freeman
November 5, 2007
Hello Matty,
I missed your birthday again. I'm sorry.
GPaH
Amy Freeman
November 4, 2007
So Matthew, I have been thinking about you a lot for the last couple of weeks, maybe it is because your 29th birthday tomorrow or maybe it is just because I miss you.
Mostly what has come to mind is your crooked little toddler smile, the one you used when you wanted something. It was as if even though you were cute as all get out you intuitively knew that if you piled on that sweet little smile you could get what you wanted. Then you got older and big boys and teenagers don’t do that sort of thing, and you didn’t trot it out as much. But then you became a beautiful young man and you brought that smile back out again. Boy what I would do to see it again. I love you always.
Tante Amy
Coleen Kivlahan
December 3, 2006
Dear Matt,
I feel like we have met and know each other well, but that is not true. I have seen countless photos of you through your Mom. I have heard countless Matt stories and touched your quilt. So I feel as though we knew each other in some life.
I have watched your Mom for the last few years. Every day she inspires me with her strength. She feels you every minute of every day from what I can tell. She holds you next to her heart and she has waves of joy, sadness and grief when she talks of you. I have learned so much from watching her. She loves your brothers a great deal and she is a succesful and gifted doctor.
I have learned that we can live on despite outrageous pain. That we can love again. That we can find words for the deepest pain and still stay afloat. That we can keep faith and hope alive even though someone we love so much is gone.
I have also learned that she is a great nurturer and friend and lover and she is better at it for having mothered you. I just wanted you to know that I KNOW how much she loves you and misses you. Just when I think I will break by watching her pain, she comes back up to the surface and is able to laugh again.
Matt, you brought Cathy and I together. I am forever grateful. I wish you could be here to see us laugh as dear friends and strong women. You would be proud. All my love, Coleen
Joshua Freeman
November 23, 2006
It's Thanksgiving, 2006, almost 4 years since your death and just 4 years since I last saw you. Four years ago tonight we went to the Plaza with the Hustings and stood on top of a garage to watch them turn on the lights. It was so wondeful to be with you those few days -- taking you and Erin to skate at Crown Center, playing tennis in the backyard, Erin and I vs. you and Keith -- you won, gloating, but not by much, discovering the Ethiopian restaurant on 39th St together, and mostly just being with you; the hug you gave me when I met you at the airport: "Poppy!"
I didn't know that would be the last time I would see you, and I will never know if you did. I am just so sorry and miss you so much.
Poppa
Adam Freeman
November 10, 2006
Written on 11/4/06:
This is my first entry to the guestbook, though it's been nearly four years now since his death. Sometimes I wish I had spoken at the funeral service, but at the time I didn't know what I would say, nor did I think I had the ability to get up to that podium and say it. Anyway, this entry isn't really meant as compensation for that, but more as an opportunity to share my thoughts and feelings. I've never been a successful journaler because I have a hard time letting my writing "flow", but I'll attempt it here.
November is a difficult month. Despite the coming holidays and many family/friend birthdays, including my own, it opens each year with Matt's birthday, a day that once was celebrated and now makes me cry. I suppose it's still cause for celebration because I know his birth was a wonderful occaision (though I was absent). But these days I feel that every day he was alive was a wonderful day, and every November 5th since his death is a painful reminder that he is not here.
I anticipated that this would be a particularly difficult year for me, as I am now as old as he was when he died. It doesn't really feel any worse than previous years though, just equally sad. It's a strang thing really. I can remember what I was like then, as well as what he was like. And I know what I'm like now, but I'll never know what he'd be like now.
Sometimes I have these dreams where Matt (at 24) and I having a casual discussion, just as we might have four years ago. It is clear to me that he is dead, or at least has died, but he is still somehow there, alive, and everything seems normal. We talk about whatever stupid things we used to, complete with his high-pitched giggle.
December 13 isn't any harder or easier than November 5. I wish that I could save the bad memories for the former and feel happy about his life on the latter, but I can't. Either day, both days, and random points in most every day of the year remind me of everything. Everything together: memories of his life and his death; a memory of finding kittens under my bed and a memory of falling into my father's arms in my dorm room. It all comes together, happy and sad, though it is mostly sad.
I guess one good thing is that those memories that were once unpleasant--like the one of Matt slamming me against the wall in our mother's basement and knocking out the new filling in my chipped tooth because I was annoying him--are now great memories. I remember that one vividly, maybe because it had upset me for some time, but now I love it. I recall it all the time.
I love my older brother very much. I loved him when he was 12, I loved him when I was 24, and I should have loved him at 28, but I never got that chance. I miss him. I miss the times when we all had Matt and none of us had these holes in our hearts.
Joshua Freeman
November 5, 2006
Matt, Matt, Matt...today is November 5 and you would have been 28, and I would have loved to have seen you at this advanced age, and been so proud of you, as I always was. Adam will be 24 in two weeks (his birthday always 14 days after your's)and I know that it scares him a little that he will be as old as you were when he died. You would be very proud of him; he is beautiful and wonderful. I, we all, miss you very much, still, every day. And love you.
Poppa
Becky Freeman
October 25, 2006
OK, Matt, so your 28th birthday is approaching again, and I am thinking of you more and more (conciously that is, I think you are always wandering around my subconcious depths, tugging at my attention). You missed the Spain trip with GpaH, Amy and Addie. It was great, very unique and exciting, all those wonderful ancient Spanish Civil War veteran's, including the 99-year old Brit who wanted to stop talking about the past, but talk about what we are doing in Iraq! It was also wonderful for us to travel so well together. We thought of you a lot, only realizing that the others were too, by chance. I think if you had stuck around, things would have been so much better for a long time now. But I guess I shouldn't go there anymore, I can't change that. So I will just keep on missing you and loving you and wondering "what if" for the rest of my days, and if I could do more, I would. I guess I could keep loving your family a little better too, so OK, I'll work on it.
Love always, Tante Becky
Becky Freeman
July 12, 2005
Saturday morning. After a long night awake on call, I am finally going to be able to sleep. I close my eyes, even my breathing, waiting for that gentle descent. And it is then, as my mind relaxes, that Matt comes to visit me. Not in any lovely way, but with terrible thoughts, the ones that immediately bring the searing pain pushed way deep, untempered by the passage of time or the reasoning of intellect. I give in to it, allow myself to cry and cry until it wears itself out and somewhere in there, I do fall asleep.
I know, this is not a sweet kind of sharing. But in the following days, I have had the experience of "being" more open to Matt. While I was swimming laps, I thought of when he, Adam and I had an underwater swimming contest, which of course, Matt won, making the whole length of the pool. And then a U-2 song came on, and I thought of the first time I heard them from Matt, and he made me a tape to bring home, and his room, with all the Bono posters.
While eating breakfast in the courtyard, the cool morning the only time of day one can be out these days, and thinking how much he would enjoy the dozens of birds flying, diving and tussling, for seed, a patch of ground, a perch, while the hummingbirds zoom throughout, unafraid of birds, people, cats alike. Except he'd probably not be up that early. Which then makes me remember 14 year old Matt, on the Grand Canyon river trip, forcing himself awake in the mornings by joining the hearty, middle aged Mexican-Germans braving the 45 degree Colorado River water, and when he hesitated, they clapped and chanted, "Mateo, Mateo, komm, komm", whereupon he plunged in, head to toe.
Ah, sweet Matt, I miss you so.
Amore, famiglia mia, Becky
Josh Freeman
November 4, 2004
Matt
Pat, Ellen, Keith, Kerry and I also went on the first Out of the Darkness in Kansas City last month. More than 200 people were there. I hope it makes a difference for someone else. I have put a few more pictures from long ago up.
Love
Pop
With GPaH
November 4, 2004
One of my favories
November 4, 2004
Two beautiful boys
November 4, 2004
Sweet boy
November 4, 2004
Joshua Freeman
January 16, 2004
It is over a year since Matt's loss and I miss him so much. I miss his voice, and his laugh and him hugging me and calling me "Poppy" need his love, and his advice on what model car to buy.
I have posted two pictures taken a long time apart that both show the same wonderful smile.
Josh
Josh Freeman
December 16, 2003
It is not easy to believe it is a year. Matty is still so real and fresh to me. Pat and I went to northern New Mexico this weekend; it was incredibly beautiful and peaceful. He loved the West; he would have loved this area. I miss him very much
Matt and Erin, January, 2002
HerB Freeman
December 12, 2003
We are also lighting a candle (yahrtzeit licht) in his memory and with love to each of you. Herb and Rita
Ellen Hustings
December 11, 2003
Soon we will mark the milestone of a whole year of missing Matthew. We can't be together as we were then for love and support but we will light a candle and remember the light in Matt's eyes and the light he brought to our world and we will be thinking of you all. Love, Ellen
GPaH Freeman
November 6, 2003
November 5-6, 2003
I saw an antique Fender guitar on the TV antique show and I thought of you and the first gift I bought for you that you really requested, a pedal attachment for your amp. I went to the gym yesterday, but not today, but just imagined seeing your mucles and pecs again as when you got buff; I ate some of the chocolate left from Haloween because kids don't ring our doorbells anymore, and wondered if you can eat chocolate now; my computer was continuing to confuse me all day, and I wished you were around to explain it to me. But most of the time I just stared at the wall above the computer and wondered: What if?
Amy Freeman
November 5, 2003
I have been subconsciously blocking this date for the last several weeks. Even when scheduling appointments I have not been able to wrap my brain around November 5th. I guess I just didn't want to deal with the emotions that would arise at the quarter century anniversary of Matty's birth. But surprise, they are here with a vengeance. I love all of you guys and your messages. I wish we could be celebrating.
Love Amy
Becky Freeman
October 5, 2003
So now we are in Italy for our year and so now, we are too far away from the ones we love, too far to be able to feel your pulse or soothe your pain or share loving memories of Matt. He is here with us, in our thoughts, as we travel, in the Signoria in Florence, among the students in the Piazza Novembre in Perugia, in a full arc rainbow in Holland. Sometimes wonderingly, in something we think he'd like, sometimes with tides of pain washing over us. We too, are far from the people who could possibly share this, understand the depth and devastation of losing him, losing our Matt.
One day in Pisa, on a bus, there was a young man, one of the flood of recent African immigrants here struggling to eke out a living in a country that will not hire them. He was talking on his cell phone (a universal fixture here), and then I saw him laugh at something and I was struck dumb. His smile looked just like Matt's! It spread wide over his teeth, bright as a light, and I saw too, that his whole face resembled Matt in some way, an incredible sweetness to it, the shape of his nose and eyes, certainly not his smooth, dark skin, but that easy smile. Bill saw it too. I tried to work up the nerve to ask him if I could take his picture, I wanted to preserve this moment somehow, this moment of seeing Matt's smile again, but suddenly, we were there, getting off the bus and I quickly lost him in the crowd.
I hope this makes some kind of sense. It was as though for those 5 or 10 minutes as I stared at him, I could pretend, could see that smile. It didn't make me sad, not then anyway, it seemed like a gift.
I love you, my extended family, we are thinking of you all, Becky and Bill
Juliette Colangelo
September 30, 2003
I just want to send more love and support to all of Matt's family and friends. I have thought of him and of you so much since Becky told me the unbelievably sad news. I don't know how healing happens, but I know it does, and part of the healing is the hole left in all your hearts and lives....I hope you can feel the love in my heart for you and the encouragement I'm sending for the continuance of healing. Know you are constantly being held. Love, Juliette
Josh Freeman
June 8, 2003
Thank you, Jeff. This memories are very important to us all.
And thank you, and Heather and Matt's other teachers, and administration at Roosevelt for a lovely, bittersweet combination degree-granting and memorial on May 30.
The ceremony was very well done and tasteful, and I know that all the family present really appreciated it. More than the degree, which of course Matt won't use, we valued the comments of those who knew him as an adult student in ways we didn't. I'm proud that he was remembered not only as smart, but humble, caring, and supportive, and indeed as a feminist. Of course, that makes missing him, and wondering why, all the harder as well.
Matt's grandfather, Bob Kallal, put together a great CD of pictures of Matt from infancy to adulthood, and I watch it over and over. I could send a few pictures from any period of his life if someone wanted them.
I think about him all the time and miss him very much.
Jeff Edwards
June 7, 2003
I was a teacher of Matt's at Roosevelt University. After his memorial service I didn't have a chance to talk with anyone other than other professors about Matt--no contact with friends or family, except for running into Erin a few times at anti-war demonstrations--not really conducive to sharing memories. Then, by chance, I ran into Erin and a group of Matt's friends at the annual Crossroads fundraiser--Requia, Joe, and Gabe.
Thanks in part to too much alcohol, we collectively won a bidding war for a Colorado ski weekend,
and so will be reunited sometime next December or January.
Spending time with his friends at the Crossroads event (and later in a Loop bar--which we closed--after the Crossroads event ended) was very moving for me. He is so present in all the conversations, it is as though he just stepped away from the table and will be back soon. It made it hard to leave, and when I did I reconnected with the sense of loss I felt when I first learned about his death.
Jeff Edwards
June 7, 2003
On Friday, May 30th, Roosevelt University conferred Matthew's diploma to his family in a ceremony attended by his family and by some of his professors, who spoke about their memories of Matt. These were my opening comments:
I have taught at Roosevelt University for 15 years. Over that time there have been a handful of students who have generated excitement on the part of faculty on account of a combination of intelligence, curiosity, extraordinary formal academic skills, and a certain goodness of the soul. Matthew Freeman was such a student. As a matter of fact, I have never been so happy to work with a student in my 15 years of teaching here as I was with Matthew. I am not sure what Matthew gained intellectually from me or from the rest of the faculty here. He obviously came to us with so much already. I _can_ say that his presence made a major contribution to students and faculty alike at Roosevelt University, to the intellectual vitality and camaraderie of the place. I miss him greatly, and find it so hard, still, to believe that a person so young and wonderful is gone forever.
This afternoon we are recognizing Matthew’s academic achievements and his contributions to the life of this university by awarding his degree to his family. But we are also recognizing the life of a great person—absolutely brilliant and creative, yet humble, unassuming, and selfless.
Becky Freeman
May 18, 2003
Thoughts of Matthew are woven in and around my days, sometimes fondly or benignly, often with tremendous pain and grief. I usually end up back at incomprehension and disbelief. The scale of what has happened and how he died is of such enormous magnitude, that my brain cannot contain it, my grief, all our grief, is inadequate to express or equal it, and I try and try and try. It is a mountain I cannot climb, my limbs too weak, my breath in short bursts.
Amy Freeman
May 16, 2003
I have not yet entered anything in this book because I am frankly at a loss for words. Reading other people's eloquent entries I wonder how could that be.
I love Matty so much that his loss is just unbearable. Not normally being a visual person it is amazing to me that at will I can bring up his face in so many of the different phases he went through. The skinny beautiful baby, the smiling toddler, the gawky elementry school boy, the bulking up middle schooler, the husky bear of a young man with a variety of hair colors and lengths and the handsome skinny guy smiling at me next to my computer. Not to see his face change any more or be able to hear his voice on the phone, going off on a conversational tangent is so unfair.
My family I love you in all of the extneded permutations. Matt will always be with us. Sorry I couldn't be uplifting, but I just aint there.
Erin Hustings
May 16, 2003
At Josh's request, I'll add some memories as they come up. Virtually everything around me brings up something...so I'll try to document just a little of that. This particular memory was brought up by Josh telling me that he had bought the Dixie Chicks album following the ludicrous flap over their anti-Dubya statement. I remembered the many times that Matt told me stories about Josh buying albums for purely political reasons...albums that I think in a lot of cases strayed (sometimes far?) from his habitual musical tastes! Matt's CD collection is littered today with albums he caught onto through Josh's political buying habits...a couple of examples that came to my mind were Chumbawumba and Public Enemy. I know that was something Matt especially loved about his Pop.
Norman Epstein
May 15, 2003
To all the family--
Still thinking of you all and the sadness you must be experiencing. The loss of Matthew has made me more aware than ever of the fleeting nature of life and how precious our relationships are with family and friends. I look at my own son a little differently and (during the rough times) more tolerantly, and am generally more appreciative of those with whom I am in loving relationships. We must cherish those around us and be mindful of our interactions. May your pain diminish even as your memories remain alive. Norm Epstein
Pat Beaupre Becker
May 15, 2003
Josh, Cathy, Adam, Herb, Becky, Amy, Charlie, Sonia, Pat, Andrea and all those who mourn Matt’s loss.
It is so difficult to sit in my feelings and write, but I keep putting it off as if it might become easier tomorrow. I cannot imagine the depth of your sorrow. To loose Matthew for any reason is unfathomable. Under the circumstances, so very painful. As you all may know, I lost my brother Michael 2 years ago. He was 49 and you can say he killed himself, though no one knows for sure if he meant to or he just took one too many risks with drugs. He suffered a great deal emotionally and physically in the prior 2 years yet we could not help him or save him. It is a profound thing to live with. Yet I think and feel that loosing a young son, a young nephew, a young grandson and a young brother is so much more difficult even than loosing a 49 year old brother. It is easier to accept that Michael, at 49, had his own path and had made so many choices over his lifetime, that his life was in his hands. My daughter is 14 and I can never imagine life without her. So I cannot imagine really the depth of your personal pain. I feel very sad and keep you all in my prayers. While the joy of having Matthew is the gift we are left with; as the joy (and difficulty in Michael’s case) of having my brother for 48 years is my gift is something that I know. Yet there are still many moments I cannot believe my brother is not here and will not be here to grow old with me. The last time I saw Matthew he was probably 10 years old or so. I remember a photo of him acting very silly in the living room in a house outside of Chicago. Funny, I will remember him always as the young boy who had the luck of being born into the Freeman family, where love was ever abundant. God bless you all.. love Patsy Beaupre Becker
Barbara Warren
May 13, 2003
Cathy, Josh, Becky and Herb (and to all of the rest of the family who I don't know as well). We have grieved with you and do still. Although we don't always know how to best express our sympathy and deep feeling for the continuig agony that your loss of Mathew has left with you, Nick and I and Scott and Lindsey want you to know that we continue to understand your sorrow and sense of loss, your wishes that another path could have been taken and your deep love for your child. Healing takes time and our lives have many unforseen paths. Peace be with you. Love, Barbara
Juliette Colangelo
May 13, 2003
Josh, Cathy, Erin and all family of Matt's,
I haven't seen Matt since he was a little boy, dancing in his grandparents N.Y. apartment. I remember so well the light on Herbie and Irene's faces when Matt was near, or whenever they spoke of him. He brought the heart-expanding joy that only a first grandchild can bring. I know the power and depth of the love in the Freeman family, and how all the children and grandchildren are held in the embrace of that love. I know the love of aunts and uncles for nieces and nephews, the love of cousins for each other and for aunts and uncles, the love of parent for child, and that love returned. In the thirty years I have known the Freemans, I have never experienced a family with more dedication, more fierce and constant loving. Matt is still wrapped in that.
His reasons for departing are a mystery to me. My heart broke when Becky told me your very sad news. I am thinking of you daily and sending support and love to all of you. Death is incomprehensible at best, and this death will surely take everything you have in you as you learn to live with it. Although it has been years since we've seen each other, please know you can call on me at any time in any way. My heart is with you, and with Matthew, too.
With love,
Juliette
Cheryl Roshak
May 9, 2003
Dear Cathy and Josh and the rest of Matt's dear family,
I'm Herb's friend Cheryl and I'm writing again because of Becky's email.
I don't know you all that well, nor did I know Matty that well, but I know how proud Herb is and how much love Herb has for all of his family, and what a great loss Matt is to all of you.
I also lost someone very special to me many years ago, and I know how it wrenches the heart for so very long that is not comprehensible to those not involved. My heart is with you for the long haul, even if you don't know me or know I am there, I am with you. It will take forever, but forever, in time, will not be forever.
Lovingly,
Cheryl
Janet Schwartz
May 8, 2003
I think of you often as I look upon my children, enjoying their passage into not-quite-adulthood, being aware as my anger at them builds and passes, and, of course, loving them beyond their level of understanding.
I think of you as parents investing energy, love, and angst as you walked beside him on his journeys. I remember Josh’s face light up with love and recognition as he gazed at Matt during Herbie’s birthday party in NY. There is no doubt that that child of yours was loved, truly and deeply.
I think of the hole Matt’s death has made. How this act transformed the lives of the four adults who parented him, the brother for whom a special bond was snapped, and the people, some of whom I know and love, who had a special attachment with Matt. This hole can’t be filled even by the ferocity of love and caring. This hole that is a reminder to all of us of what truly matters, and the tenderness of the soul. Time will change the shape of that hole.
When Rose Kennedy was asked why her family had experienced so much tragedy, she responded that God gave her children many gifts but long life was not one of them. (remember she was a devout Catholic) Matt had many gifts and his memory will continue to spread them.
You are often in my thoughts and always in my heart. May you continue to be gentle with yourselves.
Love,
Janet
Joshua Freeman
April 11, 2003
It is four months since Matt's death, a blink of an eye in the lifetime of sorrow I will feel. I think of him, see his pictures, and know that even now he would look the same, but worry that in a year, or 10, he would have looked different and I will never see that. I have been in Brazil for 6 weeks and maybe have had more time than at home, but I am reminded of him, of something I know that he taught me, or something he said or did, or something I want to ask him, all the time. I am attaching a poem I wrote, but it doesn't begin to capture how hard it is for me to think about never ever seeing or talking to him again. Even once a year, or once a decade.
I am thinking of putting my memorial words here also.
Josh
To My Beautiful Son Matthew
Your eyes shine, crinkle and smile,
You make me so happy to see you.
I remember when your kitties died,
First Jr Fuzz (oh, baby, all alone, for one day,
For the first time, to wake to a dead JR!)
Then Shiny, your kitty, so sick, lungs filled with water;
You held her tenderly in your lap and fed her tuna from your hand,
And when she was “put to sleep”, you held her.
Never left her alone. You were so sad,
Missed her so much,
Wrote your college essay about her!
How could you think we would miss you less?
More, so much, more...
I think of you so often, and almost always
It is something I want to tell you or
Something I learned from you or
Something you said or did, and then
I remember I will never see you again.
It is impossible.
But it is true
And I will never get used to it.
Andrea Lapinski
January 30, 2003
Not a day goes by that I don't think of Matt, but especially of his family that loved him so very much. Josh, you are the most loving, warm hearted, caring father I have ever known. I know Matt felt your love. May you be able to take solace in this.
It's so hard to put into words what to say. I will always remember Matt when I think of the Chicago Bears; when I need to buy a new car and don't have anyone to help me research; his love for cats, his love to play guitar; his love for music; but most of all, his uplifting, beautiful smile. Matt, you will never be forgotten.
To the entire Freeman family, I love you all deeply, Andrea
Sister Marianna Bauder
January 24, 2003
I shall always remember Matt's last Thanksgiving at my brother and sister-in-law's home in Leavenworth. When Matt's dad, Josh, arrived Matt greeted him with a big warm hug at the door.
Bill Bemis
January 13, 2003
In the midst of all the pain of Matt's leaving, I have never felt more fortunate to have become part of his family, and more blessed to have the friends who have provided so much support to all of us. Thank you all. We will continue to love and help and support each other and we will find peace in our hearts again.
mariann shinoskie
January 13, 2003
Cathy and Josh, (and everyone else for whom Matt's death was a direct and personal loss): I wish you whatever level of peace you can access now and for the rest of your lives. I can't believe how much time has passed, and how many important changes we've all been through, since you, Matt and Adam were all a daily part of my life. Love, mariann
Laurie & Mike Yosha
January 11, 2003
Josh, Cathy, and all of us...This legacy site is such a wonderful way to honor Matthew's spirit. There is not a day that goes by that we don't think of him. Laurie & Mike
Becky/Bill Freeman/Bemis
January 11, 2003
To all of us,
It has been only 4 weeks since Matt's been gone, a millisecond in our hearts. We sat this morning, sun streaming in through the windows, birds in a feeding frenzy on the patio, talking about Matt, crying, wondering, but mostly missing, missing him. We love you all so much, and together we will get through this as best we can. Love, Becky and Bill
Leslie & Joe Bauder
January 5, 2003
We want you to know how very sad we are over the loss of Matt. We so enjoyed Matt and you spending Thanksgiving day in our home. That day was a special gift for all of us to be together. We will remember him as a kind, loving, considerate and gentle young man. With our love,
Cheryl Roshak
January 4, 2003
Dear Josh and Cathy and all the rest of your dear family,
I am so sorry for your loss, words are not meaningful at this time, nor can they even begin to address your grief.
I'm Herb's friend, Cheryl, and I just wanted to send my sincerest sympathies, and to let you know that Matt's death has affected me deeply.
May you find comfort and solace in the passing of time.
Cheryl
Magdalena Trujillo
December 31, 2002
Josh and Pat,
Our thoughts and prayers
are with you and your families.
We pray for his journey.
Con Carino,
Nena y Janie
Steve Enders
December 30, 2002
Josh
I recently learned of the death of your son. He sounds like a wonderful young man and I wanted you to know that you will be in my thoughts and prayers during this difficult time for you and your family. Steve
Nadine Schwartz
December 29, 2002
The children and I were truly grieved when we heard the news about Matthew. From our visits to Chicago and NY, the children remember Matthew with fondness, and I remember him as a young boy with a energy and a sparkle in his eyes. Our hearts go out to you all. With loving support, your cousins in AZ,
Nadine, Michael, Eric, Dawn, Melissa, Ciera and Brittany.
Joshua Freeman
December 24, 2002
I wanted to add that, for anyone interested in making a donation in Matt's memory, a special fund has been set up at the Chicago Community Trust. Make checks payable to Chicago Community Trust, and note "Matthew Freeman Fund" on the memo. The address is:
Chicago Community Trust
111 E. Wacker Dr., Suite 1400
Chicago, IL 60601
Rony Ghaoui
December 24, 2002
I didn't know Matthew personally but I can imagine Drs Kallal and Lemon's loss.
My prayers are with you and your family.
George Hernandez
December 23, 2002
Josh,
Your family at University Health System is saddened to hear of your loss. We hope and pray that your pain will be overshadowed by the wonder and beautiful memories of Matthew.
UHS Legal Department (Shelley, Karen, Erik, Chris & George)
Jeff Turner
December 20, 2002
Josh:
You have many friends at the University Health System whose thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.
My son's name is Matthew also, and we gave him that name because it means "a gift from God". Please take comfort in knowing that he is with God now, just as he will always be with you.
Jolyn & John R.
December 20, 2002
I did not know Matt personally. I live in the same apartment building and have exchanged brief hellos with Matt and Erin on several occasions. My heart goes out to both families during this difficult time. You are in my thoughts.
Teshia Solomon
December 19, 2002
Pat and Josh and family,
My love and blessings for your hearts and spirits. May each day progressively fill with loving joyful memories of Matt and the grief dissipate. Please know that you are loved.
Teshia
Kelly Welsh
December 19, 2002
I am so sorry. In my heart of hearts I wish you strength and love.
Kelly
Tina Battle
December 18, 2002
My heart goes out Erin and Matt's family. I am a co-worker of Erin's and all of us here have deepest sympathy for her loss. May Matt's family and close friends be comforted by loving memories.
Nora Williamson
December 17, 2002
I work in the same building that Matt and Erin live in and I had met him a few times. He was always very nice and smiling. I am very sorry to you Erin, and the Freeman family for your loss. You will all be in my prayers.
Amy and Becky Albany Park Community Center
December 17, 2002
Erin, please know that we are thinking about you and are deeply sorry for your loss. We definately considered Matt a part of the APCC family and know you miss him terribly. Please let us know if we can help in any way.
Olga Collier
December 17, 2002
I offer my deepest sympathy to the Freeman family and to everyone that has had the chance to meet Matthew. He was my fellow classmate at Roosevelt University. I didn't know him personally but I can identify with the grief you must feel having lost a loved one. I will miss seeing his smiling face every Tuesday night in class.
I just want to let his family and friends know that my prayers and thoughts are with you at this time.
Nicole Powers
December 17, 2002
As a co-worker of Erin Hustings, I met Matthew briefly, but I know that he is deeply loved. My thoughts and prayers go out to his family and friends. I am terribly sorry for your loss.
With sympathy,
Nicole
Gabe Rodriguez
December 17, 2002
Matt was one of the sweetest guys I've ever known. It was always such a joy to be around him. My heart goes out to Erin, Matt's family, and his friends who miss him dearly.
Vangie Rodriguez
December 17, 2002
Dr. Freeman
My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.
Heartfelt sympathy,
Vangie
Carol Prins
December 17, 2002
Dear Family
I am deeply saddened by this terrible loss as an alumnae board member of CFW and a longtime friend of CFW I have worked with Erin and send her, and the family, all my love during this terrible time for all of you.I have shared a similar loss myself.
most sincerely,
Carol Prins
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