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Debra Goins Obituary
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Memories and Condolences
for Debra Goins
Sponsored by Loving Husband Fred.
Charlene Brown
October 2, 2022
I still think of you Debbie after all these years. Thinking of you with Jesus our Savior.
Charlene Brown
Freddie Goins
October 1, 2022
Wow, 11 years have passed, and the pain lingers of Debbie's passing! I miss her more than life. 43 years together changes a person, now change again. Wish I were there with her, but in the Lord's time! So many still comment on her upbeat and positive personality! She sure kept me in line. Loved the correction and love behind it! I pray for peace, but probably won't happen till I am laid in that ole Pine Box! Bet I'll have a smile on my face then! I love you Debbie darlin!
Brenda Y
November 4, 2014
Dear dear Fred, you have remained constant in your love and devotion to Debbie, as you always did, she loved that and embraced her family life. That's what makes living without her such a heartbreak. You're never truly prepared to lose the love of your live, especially when there has been soooo much living AND so much more to share. It's been a joy to see Amy's posts and all the beautiful pictures of the grandkids and Amy's family, there is a lot of you and Debbie in all of them. God Bless, keep that warmth in your smile and heart.
Joe Byrd
November 4, 2014
When a loved one leaves the earth, it is because God wants another star in Heaven. Freddie, my sincere condolences on your loss.
Davis Ladies!
Fred Goins
November 4, 2014
Amy Davis
November 2, 2014
You would think that as the days, months, and 3 years have passed that it would get easier. However, far from the truth. Each and every day I find myself thinking of you, missing you, wondering what you would be doing, yearning for your advice, wanting to share the girls with you, wanting to ask for cooking advice, or wanting to talk to you about the message from church last Sunday. I would give the world to be able to give you a hug and tell you I love you, call you on my way home from work just as I did for so many years, with nothing to say other than I love you.
I see you every day though mom. I see you when I look in the mirror....your beautiful eyes, your smile. I have your tender heart, strong will, giving personality, and sense of humor. And without a doubt you live on in the girls. They speak of you so often I wonder if you ever leave their side....and I doubt that you do. :-) Madison has your tender heart, your smile and sparkle in your eyes. She always wants to do for others, she so desperately wants everyone to just be happy and wants to make people smile, and she loves to talk about God! Madison will see a rainbow and say "mommy look, maw maw sent us another rainbow!" And she often wants the sun roof open so that you can see her from heaven.
And little Reagan. Haha. Well she carries on with the zest for life that you had. She goes non-stop. Never complains, always wants to do more and go more places and see more things. She speaks of you constantly, even points to the same place in her room and says "maw maw". She will laugh hysterically when I ask where you are and raise both hands to the sky and smile the biggest smile you have seen. Oh how I wish you could have met her in the flesh. She is your spunky side, your Tupperware and Girl Scout side. And she also shares your eyes.
So you see mom, I guess that my dreams, wishes, and prayers are answered after all. Because you are with me. Every day. Every moment. There is just so much I want to share with you. So I will keep speaking to every day as I used to because I know that you are with me. I will continue to pray for guidance from God as a mother so that I can be to my girls what you were to me, for that accomplishment to me is worth more than all the gold in the world. I love you mom! And I miss you more than I could ever explain! Thank you for raising me to be a wonderful and loving friend, wife, and mother. I would not be there person I am today if it weren't for you. I love you Mom!
Your loving daughter,
Amy =)
Fred Goins
October 27, 2014
Tina Smith Keller wrote: "I new her when she and I were teenagers and lost touch with her but after reading what everyone wrote she never changed. She was so kind and caring from the first day I met her until the end. God bless her and her loving family."
Stephanie Hugdins wrote: "If she could not meet the need she would find someone who could. She taught me and my family alot about how to be a caring Christian no matter the circumstances. For all this I will forever be grateful, and always hold her close to my heart. Thank for Debbie for making a difference and for always being a godly lady!!! Love you dearly!"
Stephanie Hugdins wrote: "Debbie was one of the sweetest, caring, loving, precious ladies I've ever known! I am so blessed to have had her in our lives. I always think if her so much at the holidays with all the personalized crafts she made for my girls. I remember all the yummy dinners she made. Fantastic cook!!! But more than all this, she had the biggest heart of anyone I have ever known. She cared so much for others. She feed the hungry, clothed the needy
Joyce Williams wrote: "Debbie was one of the sweetest ladies I've ever met.I loved coming to your home for studies.So much food. Debbie was so sweet to do a scrapbooking picture of my doodlebug. I will treasure those memories forever.Gone too soon."
Fred Goins
October 26, 2014
Debbie as this chapter ends so does a new chapter GOD provide. I will always miss you. but will one day soon hold you again and tell you how much I LOVE you dearest Debbie my Love!
Fred Goins
September 25, 2014
Today marks three lonely years since my sweet Debbie went to Heaven to be with all our saints and our Lord JESUS Christ! What a time she must be having in the heavenly place where the eternal light shines so brightly. I look and long for that day I too leave this dirty and sinful world and join them there. I am in my mid 60s and dealing with the three year anniversay of my dear sweet Debbies departure into Heaven in 2011, still living alone. Debbies passing was a very emotionally devastating event for me, even though at this time I realize that I can't go back, no need to, (still think about it, though). So, here I am in this ole large and cold cabin in the Idaho Mountain foothills, the very first time I have ever lived alone. Its no longer a home, its just a place to lay my head and do the Lords work. I married my lovely wife Debbie just after graduation from High School in 1968, and moved to Atlanta, Georgia to begin a fairy tale life for 43 blessed years. Along the way she gave me three lovely children who are now grown and productive citizens of their communities. No government hand outs for them, they earn their way, thanks to JESUS! So, how do I live alone? JESUS Christ. I am now very isolated from a lifetime of friends. We have had many friends over the years that were rock solid and still are for the most part. Our children live throughout the United States, with one son, Fred, who lives 5 hours away that no longer visits after his mothers passing from her cancer trial. So, I sit alone in my cold dark log home. I could go out, but where, why? Visit who? Date who? What, date again, you gotta be kidding? Its an idea I shall attempt. What are my interests now? I have spent my whole life being husband, father, and volunteer to others. How do you tread out of this deadly loneliness? How do you find out what you are really interested in, again? It's really important, they say, for your health not to isolate yourself. I know. I do worry about that myself. Ill be all right. I myself never remarried but many I know have. I am truly alone in this lonely house at the young age of 64. When I go to work in my workshop that is now the primary part of my social life. I so desire to one day remarry GOD provide. I talk on the phone to many from my past that encourage me . I take long drives. I write letters, send emails, read a little, do my wood building projects. People have suggested I get another dog but I'm a little cautious to have another Lab. Mine died after Debbie did. Love is so much its like a large dagger in your bleeding heart when they die.... Anyway, I take my social life wherever I can find it, mainly church, even talking to people at the grocery store once in awhile. It seems if you isolate yourself it affects your overall well being, not just the emotional but physical also. There is a higher risk of heart disease and other conditions I know living isolated, even, according to the latest study, if you're happy being alone! Is there such a thing? I want to keep my great health. In any case, I don't want to cut myself off from people. No large groups to just plunge right in and find an activity I might like. I discovered I like doing wood work after Debbies passing. Still build bird house and repair computers to occupy my time. Living alone was virtually unheard of in most world cultures throughout history prior to the 20th century, but an estimated 32.7 million people now live alone in the United States, accounting for about 28 percent of the countries households today, compared with 17 percent in 1970. I do not loke it!!!The medical and mental effects of this shift are complex. Many people who live alone still remain highly social and connected with friends and family, so living alone doesnt necessarily mean that I have to be isolated. I sometimes am though. Loneliness is a terrible feeling, not a fact triggered by memories of those feelings. The brain is designed to pay attention to pain and danger, and that includes painful scary feelings; therefore loneliness gets my attention. But then the brain tries to make sense of the loneliness feeling. Why am I feeling this way? Is it because nobody loves me? Because I am a loser? Because they are all mean? Because I dont try hard enough? Is it another of lifes trials? Its a bigger problem, and I realize that I am having this feeling and tryng to accept it without overreacting, although difficult I feel. I react by withdrawing into myself, my thoughts, and my lonely feelings and this is not helpful. I know. Why do I still do it? At its best, anticipation of loneliness motivates me to reach out and cultivate friendships. When I was a child, and my sadness caused me to stress, I evoked a comforting response from others. As an adult, not so much. I often created self centered stories to explain my feelings when I was young. Now I do just the opposite to drive attention from me. All I know that all I have loved seems to be leaving me. Dearest Debbie, I love you and miss your tender presence. My daughter Amy is the exception, although my boys are no longer close as they were before their Mothers passing, my sweet baby daughter is closer than ever. It is what it is! GOD has a magnificant plan, and maybe its another trial for me to endure. My chance to represent Him in a wonderful and loving way. It wont be long now. He knows all about it. I do not understand why, and desire a way to cheer up again in the bye and bye. GOD help me I pray! I love you sweetheart, and miss all your little whims and wishes. Wish I could do for you again sugar. Enjoy your time with JESUS and continue to practice in the Angelic Choir I soon will hear. See ya soon, Love Forever! Freddie
Fred Goins
May 11, 2014
Hush now precious, please don't cry There comes a time when we all die Just take heed now that I'm at peace
And from my pain I have release. I will always be watching over you. Our love will always be held true
Don't you weep now, don't you mourn, for my heart will then be torn. Just remember the good times we shared
Knowing that we always cared
I've not gone away, we'll never part As I will always be in your heart.
Fred Goins
March 29, 2014
My sweet Baby. Honey although you are now in our LORD JESUS'S lap, I still love you with all my heart. I pray one day to love another as I have loved you Debbie! I sure miss you sugar!
Wonderful Day with My Sweetheart Debbie
Fred Goins
March 15, 2014
Fred Goins
February 8, 2014
Debbie there is great news. Our Lord has answered our prayers again!
Fred Goins
February 8, 2014
Well Sweetheart, I say thanks a ton for sending avery loving, kind and gentle lady into my life. You promised I would not have to live alone for the rest of my life after your ascension into Heaven. You were as good as your word as always. Debbie, Kay is a GOD honoring woman that now has a part of my heart, and GOD willing, will have it all soon. I pray for this. I love you so Debbie, and thanks for the snow. I'm now in Love with Cynthia Kay, Debbie! Thank our Father also for allowing me to have another of his special and wonderful children in my life and to have a place in my heart. Thanks for the Blessing Debbie!
Fred Goins
November 5, 2013
Thanks Debbie for all the snow over the past two days. Don't were out your arms as you shake the pillows in Heaven! You and I both know how much we enjoyed the snow. Called Reba and let her know like we did my Mom and yours! Miss you very much, sweetheart!
Freddie Goins
October 25, 2013
Twenty five months ago at this time, Debbie you lay in our bed slowly dying. It was the last week of September, a cool humid time, just like now. In that evening I sat in my wheel chair next to our bed softly listening to good old paths hymns while you fell asleep. You had stopped eating and were drinking less every day. Your final words were few, the days before you passed away, but until the day before you left us, you could still communicate and squeeze my rough hand, or give me a beautiful smile.
I always took comfort in knowing you were near. I thought I was prepared to let you go, but one night when the moon was nearly full I wheeled to your side as I couldn't hear your breath. As I sat there in the middle of the dark night holding your hand I became terrified that you had died...my heart pounding in fear...but ever so faintly your breath returned...shallow and slow. The end was nearing I knew.
On the 24th day of September 2011, late in the in the afternoon, I sat close to you knowing the Death Angel was near, throughout the night as I sat holding your tender and warm hand, talking, singing and praying. Shortly before 6Am Sunday morning your breath sped up, and then slowed until you ceased to be. The Death Angel was next to me. You took your last breath around 5:45 am on the 25th of September 2011. It was over.
I rolled out back, away from the house and into the yard letting out a blood curdling scream, "WHY LORD"? The full moon was at it's zenith and I sat in my wheel chair and stared at it for the longest time...imagining it was you looking down. You were finally free of your decaying and painful body and I imagined your free spirit soaring. It surely was. Any time I see the moon now, I think of you...and of the last night I held you close. I will always love you Debbie dear and miss you forever. And I promise I will always stand by the children and be there for them as we did together for so many years.
Quiet my love, please be still,
I know you had to leave me, it was God's will,
Quiet my love do not cry, for I am standing here still, right by your side.
You have not gone for good I see,
I am always right here and will join you soon for tea.
But my, you can see me and all that I give,
Quiet my sweet love, I know your soul is not dead, I know you still live.
When I feel down or very low,
I feel you pick me up, as you always did below.
There is still joy and laughter in my heart,
When I see we are never apart.
I am everywhere you go and everything you see,
I am always with you.
I will sing and dance once more again,
Only your bright sunshine will fill me you know, instead of the cleansing rain.
You live! You live! I live! I tell thee,
Just a thought you need, to remember me.
In each flower, plant or bird I see,
We are all part of this, you and me.
So as I look at all things with gentle love and care,
We'll meet again as I know you are just over there.
Remember the good times and never the bad,
We loved and laughed together and shared the sad.
Remember how precious and dear you are to me,
Remember I'm right here with you, if only you could see.
I love you Debbie my Love and “I'll always be there”,
Just whisper my name and I'll be right there.
This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine. Those are words I am so familiar with. For Debbie my dear, I can't think of a better description of you so near. The light inside of Debbie was fAR from little. It was more than clear, like the blue sparkle of the bright night, more than the radiance of a smile that always lit up the room. It was the light within your heart. Your love and compassion for your fellow man, your unerring sense of right and wrong, and your charitable actions towards those less fortunate than yourself. Above ALL things, it was your unconditional love for your family and friends. A love that did not waver, no matter how far her beloved fell, or how high they soared. In a day and age where few of us are blessed with the experience of an extended family brought together by love, I count myself among the fortunate, for my sweet wife Debbie made sure that love was always a part of my life. I could spend an eternity listing all the life lessons my Debbie taught me, but if you knew Debbie at all, you know there is no need for me to explain. While we on earth have lost our light, my wife, a Mother, Grandmother, Sister, and best friend, Heaven had gained an angel. A bright and shining star to light our way, and the memory of our angel will live in our hearts forever.
"There's holes in the floor of Heaven
and her tears are pourin' down
that's how you know she's watching
wishing she could be here now
And sometimes when I'm lonely
I remember she can see
Cause there's holes in the floor of Heaven
and she's watching over you and me."
Rest In Peace My Love!
Fred Goins
October 19, 2013
My Dearest Debbie,
I received a pleasant memory of our exciting past today from a very
beautiful lady to playing cupid. Although not accompanied by her
likeness yet her image was so indelibly impressed upon my troubled
mind that the likeness itself could not recall the wonderful features
more vividly than they are impressed. I first met her at a Drive-Inn
Diner, Tommy's. in a small town in Western North Carolina when I was
about 17 years old and she 16. I afterwards saw Debbie frequently and
occasionally was in her pleasant company, and non-withstanding the
disparity of our age, I became so favorably impressed with her fair
face and gentle manners that I frequently said to myself that I wished
she was older or I younger.
Never did this sweet lady witness the budding of a flower with more
requisite pleasure than did I the budding of that pretty little Branch
girl into womanhood. Debbie made much of my thoughts while traveling
throughout the world and more upon my return home from trips. While
serving in the United States Air Force, I not infrequently found my
thoughts wandering from the dry textbook manuals to contemplate by the
aid of memory the pleasant features and tidy form of this cute little
girl from Morganton.
After I completed my duty to our great country, I traveled to the west
and expected to find a home in some western state, finally finding
that special place in Idaho that was a perfect match for the both of
us, together with the persuasions of that fair face, induced me to
stay forever.
I entered, as you know, actively into the pursuit of my profession
with the determination to make at least a fair reputation and tried to
withdraw my thought from everything else, but I found this little
fairy constantly and pleasantly intruding into all my plans, whether
of pleasure or interest. At this period she often met me politely and
respectfully, she being coy and reserved, so that I frequently thought
that even the ordinary attentions of common politeness and courtesy were
of special source of pleasure to her.
In a few instances at about the age of 17 this shyness and reserve
seemed to be forgotten, and I would pass an hour or two in the
enjoyment of her company with great pleasure to myself and I imagined
with at least satisfaction, if not enjoyment, to her. I began to think
that my happiness was identified with hers. I began to pay her special
visits or at least seek opportunities by which I might be in her
company. I sought her society on pleasure rides and thought it not a
hardship to ride 65 miles in 24 hours if part of the time might be
spent with her. Debbie always exhibited or observed the decorum of
modest reserve which might be construed into neither encouragement nor
discouragement.
After the deliberation & reflection which I thought due to a matter
which involved my happiness for life, I felt that her destiny and mine
were probably intended to be united, and that all the adverse counsel
which I could give myself could bring no objections. I felt that I
ought both as a matter of duty and happiness give my whole life to
Debbie, who for 43 years had my attention and devotion, though obvious
puppy love.
After a few little billets and interviews, and with a full declaration
of the love I desired to bestow, I received a measured and loving
response and was made most happy in the anticipation of the
celebration of the nuptials fixed at some 6 months hence in 1968. This
time glided nicely & happily, though not too rapidly, away from me.
Soon I was in Oklahoma. The hours of leisure were spent with her and
my visits were always welcomed with that cordial welcome, that maiden
modesty, so much to be admired. Tis true that on one occasion she did
rest her elbow upon my knee and look with confidential pleasure in my
eye and made me realize that indeed I had her whole heart.
Suffice it to say, the happy day of our marriage arrived and since
then, hours, days, and years of time, confidence & happiness passed
rapidly away, and only to make us feel that happy as were the hours of
youthful days, they compare not with those of later years and perhaps
even these may not be equal to that which is in reserve for us.
I don't know how much pleasure it affords you to go over these days of
the past, but to me they will ever be remembered as days of felicity.
And how happy the thought that years increase the affection & esteem
we have for each other to love & be loved. May it ever be so, and may
I ever be a husband worthy of your warmest affections Debbie.
Hopefully I made you happy and in so doing and be made happy in return
myself. A sweet kiss and embrace to your greeting. Forever remembered.
But maybe you will say it looks ridiculous to see a grown man getting
gray haired to be writing a love letter, so I will use the remnant of
my paper otherwise...
Affectionately, Freddie
Fred Goins
October 19, 2013
It has been two years since Debbie, my loving wife and best friend of 43 years, passed away. No longer do I feel her special embrace. We could do anything, You and I Debbie. I'm doing OK although the pain of her departure to Heaven is seemingly unbearable. I pray that God will take the pain away or come for me soon, but at the same time I've got service for Him to complete. What a privilege! I've learned that only GOD will help me completely and that grieving is something you can not prepare for or explain to others. Such a personal thing I think. It feels more different from that I had expected. I'm sure each person grieves in their own way. Grieving is such a mixed up process that I don't see how it could possibly be the same for everyone. Debbie was not the first special person in my life to die. I lost both Grandmother's and several Aunt's who were so loving, kind and considerate to me. While serving in the US Air Force, two of my direct family died in separate car accidents, a sister and a nephew. I also lost both of my Grandfathers, both were extremely smart interesting men whom I enjoyed spending time with, but never knew as well as I would have liked. And of course, I lost my loving Mom and kind Dad that I loved dearly. Dad was one of the strongest, sweetest and wisest men I ever knew. So many, why not me? My loving wife Debbie died of cancer in September 2011, allowing us time to prepare each other for what we knew would eventually happen, five plus years later, it did. Hospice provided Debbie and I with legacy literature and wonderful personal support one day from Debbie's fleshly end. I felt I was ready the day Debbie left for Heaven. I was not! We learned that Debbie was terminal in the doctor's office in Winston Salem, North Carolina years ago. I can still see the cute innocent look Debbie gave the doctor when she asked how much time she had left. She wanted to tell him about her JESUS and the home he had waiting. I could tell she was trying to spare him the pain of having to deliver the troubling news. We both knew well before that appointment, that Debbie's days were numbered. GOD designed it that way! That point in time when Debbie asked the question is when everything changed. (The world seemed colorful before than point and a bit more gray from that point on.) We didn't cry as we departed Doctor Lentz's office that beautiful fall day. I do remember shedding tears as I drove the two us home, but only for a moment. Debbie never saw my tears, I had to be strong for her. I don't remember seeing Debbie cry that day either. She was so satisfied with her place in the Lord's service. From that day on, she was such a strong Christian Lady. I believe I cried every day while driving her to and from anywhere. I don't remember crying at home but I do remember having to clear tears from my eyes after every trip we made. Debbie never saw that tender expression of my love. Before this fateful experience I was not a crier. My Mother and Aunt once commented that they didn't remember seeing me ever cry. I was a believer that men didn't cry or at least not in the public. I know its OK to cry, JESUS did. I know God has helped me through this difficult, blue and dark period of time and having Debbie around me, made things bearable, so much more I'd say. Although I was sad from time to time I would not discuss that I was depressed to anyone. Only JESUS knew! I knew Debbie was going to Heaven soon and that God had other plans for me. Why? Everything happened so quickly! The doctor's gave Debbie only months - she passed away after five years, eight months and eleven days later, thanks to our Lord JESUS'S hand. So long, yet such a short time. Everything changed several days before Debbie passed away. It became hard for her to get out of bed, or turn side to side, while enjoying her home in Clearwater that she loved so. We were still sleeping in our bedroom bed, as we did for over 43 blessed years. She had trouble walking to the bathroom that day. She was no longer the strong, vibrant, and do all Debbie I fell in love with both spiritually and physically. Her sweet tender body was dying, but her robust heart was still full of never ending love and enormous joy for all. I could still see the wonderful and robust woman I'd loved in my teary blue eyes and I could still hold her soft hands and lie next to her, sharing our lives together through much conversation as she slipped away fast. Everything else was passing ever so quickly. Two days before Debbie passed she told me of how excited she was to soon see her precious Lord JESUS. She always wanted to snuggle in our bed with just me around her and not have any pain, praising our Lord. It seemed that as I held her ever so tenderly in the end, her pain subsided. GOD granted her many prayer requests. We never slept apart in 43 years of precious marriage except when I was on trips away serving this great nation, another tender blessing. Debbie had a way of talking with her beautiful brown and flirty eyes. She had large beautiful brown eyes that she had somehow learned to show emotions with. Whenever she would say something with her eyes, tears would flow from mine at the end. I tried not to cry so Debbie would not get stressed, but she understood my pain and love. The last full sentence she said to me, the evening she passed away, was "I love you Freddie." Debbie died early in the morning of Sunday, 25 September, 2011 with me sitting next to her in my wheel chair holding her soft loving hand. Only GOD was by our side when she soared away. My loving Debbie was gone. She was coherent enough to ask for water shortly before passing away and called my brother Chris
and his wife Janet earlier that morning. The last few tender minutes of her life were so peaceful as she slipped away from this world into such a bright and beautiful new home. She looked so peaceful and beautiful as her life ebbed away. Such beauty no one can see till that point. (She sounded like she was praising the Lord JESUS as she gasped that final breath of life). The moment she died, it was almost as if I could see and feel her soul
leave her precious beautiful body. A cool breeze evident at that time was felt by me. I can still see that precious moment clearly in my mind's sad blue eyes. I miss my baby dearly. For some reason I didn't right away cry after Debbie died. I was probably in shock? Was I strong enough for her? We had made many previous plans and arrangements and people we wanted
to visit. Now somethings must go undone. I had gotten so little sleep the week before Debbie passed that everything seemed like a blur at that moment. I just wanted everyone to stay away for a while and for the her earthly memorial to be over quickly. I thought that would bring closure, it did not! So selfish of me, please forgive me friends. I knew living alone without Debbie was going to be very lonesome and painful and I wanted to get on with it. I didn't want to have to keep enduring the pain. I see it was OK though. Although it was nice to see all our beloved friends and family again, I also wanted everyone to depart quickly, so I could start my life all over again, alone? It took several weeks before the Debbie's Memorial was complete and everyone had paid their farewell tributes before the real trials began. I finally returned to our now not so warm and inviting Clearwater home, alone for the first time in 43 years. I cried out her name, " DEBBIE" "DEBBIE", but no answer. What an empty feeling and extreme loneliness. I was surprised how much I enjoyed getting sympathy cards, emails and notes from close friends and family. Cards would sometimes come from people that I didn't really know, or remember, but I still enjoyed them. It felt good to know that they were thinking and maybe even praying for me. I had always felt uncomfortable sending condolence cards to people I was not that close to. I can see now, I was wrong. Each of the loving cards meant more to me than any of the senders will ever know. That whole period of time is a major blur to me now. I can only remember bits and pieces. After the memorial, our Solid Rock Baptist Church family sponsored a large dinner for all. What a time we had. That dinner was extremely helpful. I can not describe how good to felt, to know I was still part of their loving family. It was also helpful to hear pleasant stories and talk about my sweet Debbie. Once everyone had left and I was all alone, things were not as bad as I first thought they would be, or at least so I thought. I missed my sweet Debbie but at the same time I was glad and thankful she was with the our Lord JESUS and no longer in pain and out of this troubled world. I wonder if I was in a state of shock then. I'm very blessed to have an all knowing Lord who holds me tenderly, even when I don't deserve it. I must have told the story of Debbie's passing at least a hundred times over the last two years. Each time I would tell the story, telling it seems to get a little easier. I know I have looked sad as I talked about Debbie but I feel better as I do it. Her kind and loving legacy lives on. Since Debbie's death, I have not once, not wanted to talk about her. I tell everyone about how wonderful she was. One thing I have learned from this precious experience is that it is good for one who is grieving to talk about the person that is gone - it is not a subject to avoid. I have filled these two years after Debbie passed looking for things that
would make me feel better and my Lord more satisfied with my Christian witness. I tried everything from doing assorted activities Debbie and I used to enjoy, to watching cooking shows. I again began to repair computers and electronics for all. Eventually I've learned that only time seems to help. Although these activities helped to take my mind off the loss, it did not reduce my internal pain. That pain has gotten much worse over time. It is not only that I'm lonely, I just seem to have an extreme sadness/pain that will not go away. I'm having a tough time concentrating and eating and I've noticed I don't interact as easily with other people as I once did. Considering everything, I think I'm doing OK though? I just didn't think it would be this hard! I now seem to know how people feel when they say life is not worth living although I would never consider suicide. However, given the choice I would choose to end my life without hesitating. It's not my choice though, it's my Lord's will that I walk on. I'm sure people who have not lost a spouse will not understand that statement. I don't want to die and I have not lost hope or faith. GOD is with me. It is just that life does not make sense without my sweet loving Debbie. Just like it is hard to
comprehend that Debbie is no longer here, it is also hard to ponder life without her. I've noticed that after a few years everyone else has moved on and most of them assume I should be doing the same, especially family. It is not as if they have forgotten about Debbie. They just seem to be moving forward and probably don't realize that things are getting harder for me not easier. Several months after Debbie passed a nurse sent me a card and then a week or so later cooked several dinners for me. She said she was slow with the card and meals because she knew I would have plenty of support shortly after Debbie passed but probably less support later when I needed it the most. How TRUE! Her simple gesture meant more than I'm sure she will ever know. I'm also sure very few people have noticed, but after two years I still cry daily. I try to hide it, others don't often see it. It is so emotional when tears start to drip down my old wrinkled face as I'm sitting at my computer, waiting in a checkout line, attending church, or driving down the road, thinking of Debbie and our memories. I'm not a crier, I don't understand where the tears come from. Although I'm looking forward to the day the tears don't come, I'm also frightened of that day. So what should I do now? The pain of not having Debbie in my life is eating away at me day after day. I don't feel like I need professional help. In fact, I feel as if I'm doing OK. I feel like dying was something Debbie had to go through and living with this is something I too must endure - I guess? I know things will get better? I know God has other plans for my life. I just don't know how I'm going to make it through the next minute, ten minutes, five hours, two days, next week, next month, next year...Things never seem to get easier with time, and most things stay the same. I constantly think about holding hands with Debbie often, as I have done over the previous 43 years. I still think of doing this often and it still hurts when I realize she is gone forever. I sometimes find myself grabbing at the air - don't ask me why. Squeezing my hand ever so tenderly with nothing inside. Yesterday for the first time in two years I was able to sit down here at out Clearwater home place alone
and have a meal without my sweet Debbie, although small. Much of my time is wasted due to my inability to concentrate. Not that I am day dreaming or doing something else, I just can not get my mind to concentrate on solving problems. A task that previously would usually take an hour to complete could easily require a full day now. As time goes by, the problems seem to get worse not better. Two or three months after Debbie passed away, I found I would only end up with about two or three hours out of ten, productive. I don't know where my head has been
at those times, but I knew where my heart was. Each day I've told myself that the next day will be better. I'm sure I will have days that are better than others as time passes. I have also found myself wanting to spend time with someone of the opposite sex - not physically but mentally. Just a friend. I wish I had someone to go for a walk with or just share simple
things - someone to talk with. I pray GOD will send another child of his to me, eternally. I miss our wonderful talks. I miss Debbie terribly, I do feel so lonely and broken at times. One of the harder things about having her gone is not having someone to share the small things in my life with. Only someone who knows me like a wife could share in that joy. I must be a simple-minded person because my life seems to be filled with similar desires. I miss not being able to share my many blessings with that someone special. I read an article on grief today that was provided by our local hospice director, Cindy. This fella stated that when his wife died of cancer, he thought he knew what to expect and that he would be OK. He said he was not "OK" and that he "was so ignorant of the grief process". He went on to say "friends and family are well-meaning in their attempts, however, they truly don't understand the depth of your loss". This coming from someone who is an expert in grief and grieving. I still cry daily - tears hurt more now that it is late summer, both hysterically and mentally. I prayerfully desire never to forget the many details of our precious life
together, Debbie and I. I feel as if my memory of Debbie is stimulated from both photographs and from my feeble mind and broken heart. I'm having a tough time remembering when certain things, dates, happened to us. My sweet Debbie always remembered everything, so I relied on her detailed memory for so much. She was my Queen, real world rock! It hurts to know that even my memories are not as good as hers. Flowers are still blooming in our lovely yard and alongside our long twisting driveway. Debbie loved flowers and planted many, everywhere. She loved to use them for her many decorations and crafts. This year was the most beautiful year to date, when all the flowers came into bloom. I sure wish she could have been here to see and smell them. Well, I guess she did actually. It's as if she used her earthy hands once again to turn the warm dirt for new growth. I can't decide what to do with all her craft and art works. I can't bring it all into the house. Not enough room. So many memories of her specialized crafting. I don't want to give them all away, and I can't just leave them as they are - I will have to move them eventually. I don't know how something like having her paintings and crafts could cause so much stress in my life, when they lifted so many others spirits up. Surprisingly, my house feels smaller without Debbie here, empty yet full of stuff. Although I have gone through the entire house many times I still find myself looking for any of Debbie's special treasures I may have overlooked. I wish I could find another love
note or something else of hers that would bring back many special and good memories of times past. Debbie would always save things, like rocks, wood or articles and say "this will make a good memory someday", when we traveled. It has! I'm frightened to death of losing any of these wonderful memories. Life without Debbie seems to be getting harder not easier. I keep thinking life will be easier next week but next week never seems to come. I do think I'm learning to cope but the pain I feel inside has changed very little and I still find myself shedding tears almost every day at different times. Living without my precious Debbie is harder to bear than anything I thought I would ever have to endure or could explain. What a trial this is! However, the pain is no longer increasing. Even after all this time I don't think my mind has realized that Debbie is not coming back. I still feel like I can call her name, "DEBBIE", and do. Or maybe if I could just change something, one thing, she would come back? I know she will NOT be back, but for some reason it feels as if she will. It is as if my mind just does not want to accept the fact that I can no longer talk with her. Grieving is a tough trial indeed. Debbie and I talked quite a bit about my finding someone else after she passed away. She didn't want me to be alone, ever. She told me how lonely she thought I might be after her life here ended and that she didn't want me to endure any pain over her. That was her compassion for others and especially me. She even identified several women that she thought would make good replacements for her. Wow, what a wonderful loving wife I had. I know that Debbie and I will not live as husband and wife in Heaven, so the idea of looking for another Queen does not make me feel so uncomfortable. When I agree to go out I will only be looking for someone to spend some time with and share my feelings, maybe become friends, and more. It feels good to know that I may find another woman attractive, GOD willing, and that someone else could find me to be attractive and desirable. I think I would feel quite guilty dating, however, it would be great to be have a good time with another after so much sadness. I would recommend not postponing dating to someone who may be suffering like I am. I can't explain why, but I feel as if time has helped. I felt completely alone for the first time several days ago though. I was washing my hands when I noticed Debbie's wedding band was missing from my little finger. I have worn it there since Debbie's passing. I panicked, what an anxiety attack! "GOD help me", I cried! What have I done? So alone at that time it seemed. I looked all around the house, barn and outside area and realized I was now all alone when I could not find her wedding ring. Another part of me was missing. Such a precious thing you know! Marriage! The house felt cold, empty and strangely dark. I have no idea why it took so long for me to feel so alone. It was not a bad feeling just a strange eerie feeling. Later that evening, after many hours of searching, praying, crying, I finally found her precious wedding ring in my pants under my posterior. How it got where it was is still a mystery. At least that part of me was intact now. It has been two years since Debbie passed away and I'm only doing a little better as each month passes. Although I do feel a little better now, the level of pain I experience is not what I had expected to feel shortly after her death. Before Debbie passed I truly had no idea how hard this would be. I think one of the harder things about loosing a spouse and best friend, is not having that person available to help you cope with the intense pain and trials one endures daily. I'm embarrassed to say it, however, I still shed a tear regularly, although I'm able to control the intensity now. I was afraid that as each monthly anniversary of Debbie's death arrived, I would be a basket case worth of a mental institution. To my surprise, the 25th has ended up being a fairly regular day without my family near to console me. In fact it has been a kind of a relief. From everything I have read, I knew each passing month of grieving could be the hardest. I knew after the first month had passed of Debbie's passing, I had experienced one whole month of emotions, special dates, seasons and holidays without Debbie like none before. Now that two years have passed, it is almost like I have graduated without learning anything and now I must go out into the world on my own. GOD help me. Although I still hurt deeply from her passing, I can see now that I'm going to be OK? Grieving the loss of my sweet Debbie has been by far the worst experience in my entire life and a real challenge to live happily ever after.I am not there yet! At the same time, it has changed my life in special ways I can't begin to explain. Although life has indeed become harder, much in life seems quite simpler, I have grown closer to God, and, I believe my outlook on life is clearer? GOD is walking me through the valley beside still waters. The following statement may sound strange, but "I feel blessed to have had this trial in my life". God has shown his grace in ways I could not have imagined before. Thank you JESUS for allowing me the privilege of spending more than 43 years with your precious and loving child, Debbie!
Debbie, I love you, More! Freddie
JESUS Is the Answer!
Fred Goins
October 19, 2013
Losing a wife is never easy. Losing a precious young one so early in life is especially hard. I have found that the loss of a life partner never gets easier regardless of how much time passes. I've also discovered that the ways in which the loss impacts me changes over time. When Debbie died, I was consumed with my own personal grief. I did not have a wife anymore, and in some ways, I felt more alone in this world than I had ever felt before. The person who brought life into this world and loved me beyond belief was no more, and it felt as if I had lost a piece of myself in the process. It's a feeling that never goes away, but as time passes, new emotions get layered atop this original sadness, complicating things and adding weight to the loss. First came the realization that the loss of my sweet Debbie also meant the loss of my past. The person with the most intimate knowledge of my life was gone. The untold stories, forgotten memories and the most complete knowledge of my life history and the history of our family was lost forever. The computer that was my brain was no longer operating, and all of the precious data that it possessed could never be recovered. When my Debbie gave birth to my sweet daughter Amy Michelle, what a sense of joy it was for all of us. As Amy rolled over for the first time, started sucking her thumb and took her first steps, I pondered about Debbie's infancy and toddler hood. Did she also reject the pacifier in favor of my thumb at an early age? What kind of sleeper was she as an infant? Was she as enamored with other babies as Amy was? Where did she take her first steps? What was her favorite toy? These are some of the things I never thought to ask before Debbie passed away, and now I will never know the answers to these precious questions. I am determined to preserve the memories of my daughter's childhood forever, as Debbie's I can not. There has been a new sense of loss, a sense of loss on behalf of my precious daughter, Amy. She so misses her Mom. As I watch Madison and Reagan play with my Amy and Patrick, I am constantly aware of the time that they never had with my their grand mother. For Amy, her mother will always be one of those people who died too early. Debbie will be little more than a witty assortment of stories that our grand children will learn but never truly know. Debbie would've loved Reagan with all of her heart, but that love is something that my grand daughter will never have the chance to experience, nor my daughter Amy to see. Recently, an even deeper sense of loss has consumed me. It is the keen and persistent awareness of all that my sweet Debbie has missed out on since her death. While my personal sense of loss remains, this new found sadness over all that Debbie will never see or hear or touch has become almost overwhelming. It towers over my personal grief, casting an ever-growing shadow in my life. Debbie never met her grand daughter Reagan. She did not have the opportunity to sit nervously in a hospital waiting room, anxiously awaiting the exciting news of the her delivery. Debbie's special moment would have been when she emerged into that hospital corridor and announced to the first person she saw that it was a girl was one of the most unforgettable moments of her life. My baby now has two precious daughters. My dearest friend Debbie had so much less chance to experience joy than the rest of us. She has missed out on all the joy that Madison and Reagan has brought me over the last two years, and soon, she may well will miss out on our newest bundle of joy. In two long years, she has missed out on so much. Every day that list grows longer. There is so much more to come that my Debbie will never know. They say that death is hardest on the living, and I surely do not agree. We living remain behind, thanks to our Father, JESUS CHRIST. The living possess the promise of future happiness, only through a personal relationship with JESUS Christ. They have the opportunity to learn more of the story, the true story. The living get to see how earthly things turn out. No, death is hardest on the dead I'd say. Not a day goes by that I am not saddened over the loss of my sweet Debbie, but this sadness now pales in comparison to the loss that I experienced on the day that she died. The memories of the last twenty four months pile atop her grave, forever lost to her, and this awareness breaks my heart more than I could have ever imagined. The death of my precious and loving wife of 43 years was a sad, terrible and joyful moment in my life. That sadness and joy will remain with me forever. But my Debbie's loss is endless and growing. It's immense. It's heartbreaking. In the end, I give thanks to my JESUS for carrying me this far and using me as he deems necessary. Soon, I will see and be with my sweet Debbie for eternity, never to separate again. How blessed am I! Today marks twenty four months since Debbie left for Heaven, and I know I love her more with each passing breath. I love you so Debbie my Love!"
Fred Goins
August 19, 2013
Loneliness is not a surprising a by-product of widowhood. I mean, even for the people who have never been through this, it's a no-brainer. But frankly, I think that lonelines is not a strong enough word.
There is a deep silence that comes with losing your best friend. And it doesn't matter if you're standing in the middle of a crowded room, you will still notice it. It's the quiet that comes when you don't have that familiar voice whispering in your ear at a wedding, “Can you believe how happy they are? I mean, how wonderful?” It's the missing sound of a sweet kiss after an anniversary dinner. It's the absence of someone breathing soundly next to you as you go to sleep at night.
My friends are very good about trying to make sure that I know that I am not alone. And I know we're not friendless. I could call up any number of people if I just wanted to hang out. But I am alone. My marriage were amputated in the prime of my life and, for some of us, there is no prosthesis.
A lot of us, since our loss, have found comfort in chat rooms and support websites and that has helped relieve the discomfort of the amputation a little. It's like taking two Motrin after extensive surgery. It eases the throbbing a bit, but when we look down, the limb is still missing.
I have found anonymous support from strangers who don't know me but are as close as I can come to confiding in people who know exactly what I've been through. I tell these strangers some of the most intimate details of my life, knowing that out of thousands of people, one person might understand me and, out of thousands of people, no one will be heartless to enough say, “You did what? You're crazy!”
Because, if nothing else, we all have crazy in common. Agree?
It's an anonymous way to just let our widowed freakiness spread its wings and fly. I get support from people who understand what real retail therapy is. Friends who get that a sleepless night with a newborn is one thing while a sleepless night with a dead spouse is a whole other deal. People who understand how guilt, anger, frustration, and sadness all come in a beautifully wrapped package with our names on it, signed “With Love, Widowhood.”
Talking with these friends has buffered the fact that, with Debbie gone, I have leaned on when is the worst thing I could have possibly imagined happening to me. It's almost like I need to roll over in bed and say in utter disbelief to Debbie, “Did you hear that you died? And you were so young!” This would be followed by a hug from Debbie, a pat on the my back, and the murmuring of some comforting words while we cried on each others shoulders.
But when I roll over, well, our wives already know that they died. It spoils it a little.
I don't think that most people who haven't experienced loss, truly understand that element of solitude. And that's the very foundation of what makes me so lonely. The person who cared when something really great or really bad happened is missing. The person who was just as excited and saddened by the milestones of our kids is someplace else. The person who was just as invested in our lives and the decisions we made is now enjoying everlasting comfort while we slug it out down here on our own.
Do you remember the moment that you truly felt the change? I mean, the time when you realized that this was it? When you catapulted from married to an involuntarily single?
For you, it may not have been a major moment. But it was for me. I was leaving Wal-Mart (where so many of my breakdown moments occur) when I heard on the radio that “Stand By Me” was about to play. Now, Debbie and I loved listening to this encouraging song, it meant something to us. I got excited. I thought to myself, “I can't wait to get hear it and sing along with Debbie.”
I think there was an audible thud as reality came crashing down on me as a drove toward home.
I would give anything for just one more day, one more conversation with my sweetheart Debbie. I've had dreams about it. We're just lying in bed and I'm telling her all about what the animals outside were doing today. We both know that she's gone, but I'm filling her in anyway. A “blurry” stage as I am trying to figure out what to do next.
Those are the mornings I wake up and feel the most alone, the most like I'm missing that appendage. And even though there are so many people I could call who would commiserate with me, they're just not in my head and in my heart living my life.
And does it make sense when I say when I'm feeling this way sometimes, I just want to be left alone? Thank you for not giving up on me and assisting me as I limp along. I love you all on this the 45 anniversary of Debbie's and my wonderful and blessed 43 year marriage. 19 August 1968, forever in my memory, RIP Sugar!
Fred Goins
July 25, 2013
I don't know how it happened...22 months ago today.Debbie and I had been together since I was 17 and she 16. I am 63 now. She was my only love. Too little time together I'd say. We were married 43 wonderful years. Debbie and I were both retired. I would talk to her every day, during my breaks and at lunchtime, supper time and bedtime, anytime! Sometimes we would talk a lot other times it was short and sweet, just a hi and I love you. Debbie would also say "I LOVE YOU" every time she saw me. At times I became annoyed with her for saying it so often and would ask her if she thought I didn't love her. Debbie told me you cannot say "I Love You"it enough and she was so right. I now tell her every day as many times as I can during the day as I remember her, I LOVE YOU MORE! I miss her telling me that she loves me and would give anything to hear it one more time from her sweet lips. Our last day together was just wonderful. It was a Saturday, September 24, and so clear and sunny, just as her brown eyes were. We laughed all day, had a good breakfast, watched a movie, "Gone With The Wind", and snuggled throughout the day and night. It was very, very special. She woke me up early Saturday morning and asked for her medicine, as usual. She said she felt weak both otherwise was OK. She called and talked to several of her friends and my brother Chris that Saturday morning. Nothing unusual. I never left her side all that day and the night to come, holding her hand as she drew her last breath. Debbie was so calm and peaceful concerning her leaving this world for her real home. Oh, how she looked forward to seeing JESUS. Two of Debbie's sisters and all of our three children had special days here with Debbie prior to her death. She told me Friday night as I looked into her beautiful smiling face, I had to let her go. I agreed, but I LIED, forgive me Lord. The following Sunday morning aT 0515 HOURS, the Death Angel came for my tender loving Debbie. Nothing was ever so hard or ever will be. I had to let the love of my life go. Debbie passed into Heaven on September 25, 2011. She died way too soon, she was only 60. She only had this one medical issue her whole life. She was diagnosed with stage 3C Cancer better than five years earlier, and we always knew she would never get better. We moved forward in a normal pace of life. Embracing it all and being thankful for it. Debbie never complained , only smiled, and always encouraged others. Wow, what a witness for Christ JESUS! I can't stop reliving that bright but dim Sunday morning, over and over again. My Lord hears my cry's and he lets me tell him all of my pain, He lets me talk about my sweetheart and he is a great listener. I blamed myself for not doing more. I feel as if it will be a sin to be happy again. I still don't sleep well at night and often think I am in a horrible dream and just waiting on her to shake me awake. I only awake to tears streaming down my cheek onto my pillow next to hers. This emotional roller coaster seems to be too much too handle. I loveed you Debbie with all my heart. I still do sugar! Love hurts so much my friends! Please hold the ones you love and tell them "I LOVE YOU MORE!" Where does it all end?????
Fred Goins
July 15, 2013
Thank you for sending me a new light Sugar!
Fred Goins
May 26, 2013
My darling Debbie died just twenty months ago and my life came to an end. We had been married for just over 43 years. We were spending time in North Carolina when Debbie was diagnosed with cancer, and she lived for just 5 years and 8 months after that. From the day I met her, she turned my life upside down (in the nicest possible way) and we had the type of GOD'ly loving relationship that some people don't experience in a lifetime. I didn't know such happiness existed until I met Debbie. We could not get enough of each other even though we were together nearly all day every day, from the day we met until her death. I still cannot believe she has gone. I feel I am living but that I am not alive. It's as though I am in love but with no one to love. If it hadn't been for our wonderful dog, I would not have got out of bed in the mornings. I seem to have lost all my confidence and find it difficult to make friends. I have never been able to get over the love of my life. I dream of her every day. My feelings are just as strong today as they were 20 months ago. I still love her deeply. She was my every breath. We started dating in March 1968 and we were never far apart after. She and I were married August 19, 1968. Debbie was the one who completed my sentences and the one who always understood me. We were two old fashioned young people who agreed on so many things. GOD blessed us with three healthy children and 13 beautiful grandchildren. Debbie was a young 60 and we were planning more of our future when GOD called her home. We bought a small farm in Idaho, Debbie's dream home. Debbie and I were enjoying our time here and there so much. That is all gone now. The love of my life died September 25 2011, and now I do not know what to do. I work in our workshop, pittle and clean house just to keep my days busy. The nights and mornings are horrible. That was our special time togeather. I just can't bear the thought of living life without you Debbie. I feel so alone. It is hard to believe that it is now 20 months that my beloved Debbie passed. I have tried for 2o months since her death to fill my days but have determined that it was not working out well for me. I am still at home and in an empty house, my heart broken into a million pieces. I now wake up alone and go to bed alone. When does it get better? The truth is this: my heart will always have a little piece missing -- it will not be the same as it was before Debbie's death; Will it get easier to get through each day as time passes (I ponder); the pain that surrounds my heart like a vice never seems to loosen it's grip. It's so intense, "I can't get my breath moments occur each day; I still cry as time goes on but I have discovered that my crying spells don't last as long nor are they as intense now; I feel so guilty. I pray one day again I will be able to listen to our favorite christian songs and smile (with a tear or two on my cheek); and the best part will be the memories that are still with my Debbie. I hold onto my tender memories that Debbie and I made for 43 plus years. I cherish all of those 43 years and thank GOD for them. Nothing would give me greater pleasure than to have her here to travel, enjoy the grandkids, to do all those silly things we talked about, etc., again. Debbie is with me in spirit and always in my sad heart. Do I still cry? You bet! She had a gentle spirit and was a beautiful Lady -- and that is a memory I don't ever want anyone who knew her to forget! Anger now seems to be a new emotion! I pound my mattress with my clenched fists, cry and yell outload as sometimes I feel it was my fault she left so soon. I know Debbie would want me to continue with the plans she and I made. I am trying, honestly, I am. Our time togeather could be described as magical. No matter where she put her fingers on me it would always make me shiver with need and anticipation. From a gentle stroke across my cheek to a pleasurable rub down my body. Every time she touched me, sparks flowed like electricity through my blood and made my heart sing. When you truly love a woman, I mean really deeply love a woman to the very depth of your soul, there is something so different about the way she touches you that mere words can not describe the feeling. Just being near Debbie made all my senses come alive. Her touch could enhance my senses tenfold. When her tender hand reached out for me, I couldn't stop my body from instinctively leaning in, drawn to her touch as if it was the only way I could truly be complete. One of my favorite touches would be when Debbie slid her hand around the back of my neck touching my hair to bring me nearer to her. Or the way she would pull me close with her loving arms and stroke her fingers lightly down my back. Her sweet lips were full and passionately hot. When her mouth engulfed me with one of her kisses, shattering kisses that left my knees weak, my heart beating fiercely and my chest out of breath type of kisses, I knew you loved me Debbie. Your knowledge of my body and the way it responded always served you well, always tearing down my defences with a kiss, a touch. My hands would grip your shoulders wanting to keep you right there forever. It was the most fantastically unique feeling. Debbie was an intelligent woman, but more so she was considerate and always most considerate of others. Her eyes were one of the things that made our lifetime encounters so special. When one loved a lady as much as I loved you, it was apparent the passion we shared. When Debbie looked at me, the look in your beautiful brown eyes made me feel as if I was the most important man in the world. When I looked into your eyes I could see the desire of lifetime friendship there. That triumphant little gleam in your eyes, that had the promise of tomorrow. You were created to fit me perfectly. Not to short or tall that I had to strain my neck, but just the right height that your head cradled against my shoulder perfectly when you held me. My tender love for you intensifies still, each day, with indescribable proportion. Her arms were strong and confident always pulling my body up as close to you as you possibly could. It seemed as if all of me was touching you, engulfed in your warmth and comforted by your presence. Hearts beating rapidly. Stay with me Debbie. Continue to fulfill my dreams. Felt like I had finally found the perfect love. I did! You rocked my world sweetheart, you know you did. I try to keep my sanity, you know it seems like my life is so incomplete now without Debbie. My knowing true love is because of you Debbie. Missing you my sweet love, I miss you ever so much. The softness of your sweet lips, and your warm loving touch, especially. Whenever we were together, my spirit was so aglow. You always colored my wonderful world, like the beautiful special rainbow GOD created. Debbie you were and still are the one and only love of my life, that my sweetheart you'll always be. The many special times we shared, just mean so much to me. Each time we kissed, there is nothing so sublime. Always deliciously fresh, like the very first time, when I held you close in my arms, there was always flames of passion and desire. My soul still ever so burns, like I am being ravaged in fire. Each day I look for happiness, joy and laughter. Knowing that soon we'll be together, and living eternally ever after.
I miss you Debbie! Oh, how I Love you!
Fred Goins
March 25, 2013
I often lie in my empty cold bed and just double up in bone crushing pain as though I have glass in my stomach. You know, broken glass, and it is intensely physically painful, cutting. I have tried to remember all the things that Debbie and I were involved with during our intriguing time together. What a miracle we lived. It just breaks my heart as I think of our wonderful and colorful past, and now there is no more? As all great marriages should have, Debbie was my companion, best friend, help mate, cook, lover loving mother and many other things words can't even describe. I'm having an extremely hard time dealing with Debbie's death, especially now, even after eighteen months. I'm a Christian, a child of the King, and I know that she is in Heaven but she is not with me now, I know.., so selfish I am. We talked it over many times during our pleasant years together that when we died, we would want to die together but that didn't happen although I wish it would have. Nothing was to separate us, that was our promise to each other. I often think of how disgracing it would be to my Lord and Savior, God, my wife and my entire family by partaking in strong drink, whiskey, and stay drunk to numb the pain. The desire seems so close! The Devil is surely working on me. Lord please help me each day, hour, minute to cope with my great loss and to honor you JESUS and Debbie's Christian witness. The worst day in my entire life to try and embrace, was when she died at a young 60 years old from cancer. I cry everyday and can't find any passion in life now. Both of our lives consumed us in the past, now I am withering away, slowly, alone. I don't have any new ideas on how to discontinue with this searing pain? Each day is 90 percent bad and 10 percent OK. Death has taken my Joy! Life changes are so extreme when you have had a great love life with your tender wife and spent every waking moment doing for one another, and then nothing. It's hard to get her death out of my head since she died on my watch. What could I have done differently to help her? Each day I try to find a bright spot to focus on but it only lasts a few short minutes. Well, some how I will have to figure this out, only with my Lord's help? How? We knew that it would not be long before her battle with cancer would take her life, we just never realized how time would go by so fast after her initial cancer diagnosis. On September 25 2011, Debbie, the special love of my life, my life purpose, went to Heaven. The Death Angels arrived right on tome. I am so distraught that I do not know what to do now, how to move on, what next, sometimes I just want to be there with her but I have a precious loving daughter and grand children that I need to be good grandfather to. Debbie and I did have some time to discuss her impending death, plan, but it still hurts so bad I can barely function. I love to sit and look and touch her pictures with admiration and think that she was cheated in life for not being able to live her life to see our second grand daughter Reagan's birth. I cry so often and ask God why he took her, why not me, I MISS HER DEARLY. How do I get by? I spend a lot of my time sleeping and day dreaming now. I have sworn to make grief my friend and to understand it as an expression of the love I had for my loving Debbie. I have released her now to go see her father (dad) in heaven. I want so much to show my love for her by healing and moving forward with the rest of my life, but it seems as if I just take one step forward and then two backward? That's what my Debbie would want for me, move on, I know it, and I pray for strength to do it. I feel so ashamed of my attitude and actions, but that's my true feelings, no covering, for the real way I really feel. I've lost my sweet wife of 43 years eighteen months ago, and now, it STILL seems as if she will walk back through the door returning from the store? I watch and listen so intently. There are many days that I don't want to go on without her, tough to get out of bed even. Losing Deb is the hardest thing I have ever faced with in my life, no doubt. I can't imagine my life continuing without her? I was 17 when we first met and she was all I have known of this life. She was my life. I do not need to know more. Although I've had many a setback, at times, things seem to be getting better(but just a little). I think I will have to live my remaining life in absolute pain and agony. I'm still in love and very lonely, missing my sweet Debbie every second of every day. What I would give to just be able to spend one more day with her, just to see her smile or hear her laugh, feel her touch. You think you are going crazy, maybe I am? I am still grieving her departure. Do I still grieve so hard because we loved so deeply? It's like trying to recover from major surgery, with no medicine or doctor, support system. No recovery system? I feel as if my heart has been twisted inside out, broken, fully exposed to all the nasty. I take things just one day at a time now. The thought of living possibly another 20 or 30 years without my sweet Debbie sends me into panic attacks all the time. Debbie will be deep in my heart until the very day I join her in Heaven. Soon I pray! All I can do, is my best. I look for the little signs each day that my Debbie is still with me. Where? I know she loves me, she is still here in spirit, I can feel it, and always will. I am so proud of Debbie and the blessing of companionship for 43 wonderful exciting and loving years. Wow, what a wonderful life we had. Till death do us part, It will take "till my death" to make it right, there's nothing without you sweetheart. Thank you, JESUS for my loving Debbie! Thank you Debbie for loving me! There is a new day ahead! Would you mention my name when you pray?
Fred Goins
February 25, 2013
My dearest darling Debbie, I so miss your sweetness and loving touch on this seventeenth month since you left for Heaven. I long to see your smile once more and hear those special words from your mouth, "I Love You Freddie"! I miss you so, baby. I pray that I see you soon!
Fred Goins
February 23, 2013
Debbie each time I looked at your gorgeous face, I felt my heart melt in your love. I just cannot stop thinking about you sweetheart after seventeen long months. I love you Sugar. My heart beat only for your love, now skips regularly. Life without you feels like a fairy tale, so beautiful and pure, yet gone so wrong. Please let us live this world of love forever, even in memories. Debbie the day you stepped into my life, you changed it into something so beautiful and meaningful. You were just so amazing to have around. I cannot stop myself from telling you that everyday now, how much you mean to me. I love you so much Sweetheart. You were the first and the only person to touch my heart with your endless passionate and never-ending love. You were so caring and deeply affectionate. Your heart was always filled with tons of compassion and love. I am so lucky to still be in love with an angel. I stll feel the presence of your never ending love in my life sugar. Everything you did made me love you even more. I felt overwhelmed at times with your never ending love. Your entry into my life and totally rocked my simple world. I lost total control of myself. I became a changed person. My heart no longer belonged to me any more, just you. It was all yours. I am deeply and madly in love with you, even today. I miss you so much my love. I just cannot wait to see you on those streets of Gold it seems. Everything has gone beyond me, I have lost total control over myself. I am lost in your love darling. I can feel my lonely heart beating so fast. People think I've gone crazy and so I am. I'm just crazy in love with you, my loving wife. I cannot survive without your love it seems Debbie. I feel like I am suffocating now that you are not around me. I love you so much Debbie. I ponder nothing but you, even more so now. I don't know what I am going to do without you in my life. Your beautiful brown eyes, your loving and contagious smile and the special way you looked at me, still makes me feel like I am living a sweet dream. I don't want to even imagine living a single moment without you Debbie. I'm so much in love with you my dearest wife. I never took the time to tell you this everyday, but I just want you to know now, that you meant the world to me dumplin. If I ever were to get a chance to relive my life, I would start it over from the evening we first met at Tommy's Grill. I love you my beloved departed wife. I loved to wake up each morning, and hold your soft body in my arms. I am the luckiest man in this world who has been blessed with the most beautiful wife ever. I never want to lose the love we shared between us. Just like honey gets sweeter as it gets older, you kept getting more beautiful with age. I fall a little more in love with you with every passing day. They say when love is real, it never fades away. It just keeps getting more and more intense with time. That is the way I feel for you sweetheart. Married life would never have been half the fun it was, without you as my loving wonderful wife Debbie. I would never have traded you away for anything in this world. You are so special to me, my dear wife. Behind every successful man is a woman – whoever said this is 100 percent right. You're the secret behind my success, my dear Debbie. Every time I looked into those beautiful brown eyes, I reminded myself how wonderful my life was, and you. To the most beautiful wife in the whole world, I love you! I often pinch myself to check if I am dreaming. It's unbelievable for me to have had such a perfect life and a perfect wife like you. You were the first and will be the only one ever to touch that special place in my heart. Ever since the day I met you, my heart stopped beating for me. It beat only for you, saying I love you with every beat. I cannot get by a single day without looking into your pretty eyes and feeling the warm tender touch of your loving hands. What can I say, I am addicted to your love. Life with you has been so beautiful and heavenly, I may be disappointed with what the heavens have to offer later! Thanks Debbie for making every day of my life a special joy to live. With you by my side darling, I felt like I was the luckiest man alive to have the cutest, most understanding and loving wife. I am so blessed for the wonderful 43 years of our lives. Every morning I woke up only because I looked forward to spending another day with a beautiful princess like you. I think that the God must have been looking the other way the day you were created. Only then could he have let such a beautiful child escape to earth! The best day in my life was the day I married you Debbie Branch. Holding you in my arms and spending a few moments hugging you was all I needed after a hectic day's work. You were like a healing soul that drives away worries, aches and pains. How can I continue to live without you my darling? Sorry I was never able to compensate you for how much you tolerated me all these 43 great years. I just want thank you Debbie and tell you that you meant the world to me, still do. Thanks for making my life worthy of living my preciuous butterfly. The memory of your beautiful brown eyes take me to a time long past where there was only endless love, happiness, joy and smiles. Your pretty sweet lips still remind me of how sizzling your touch was. I still feel like a teenager in love when I think of you. I just want to say I Love You to the most gorgeous woman who lived on this earth. My dearest love, I don't know how I can ever thank you for being such a caring and understanding person that you were. I just pray I kept you happy all your life. I love you. I want to love you more than forever because even eternity is not enough time for me to have expressed my love for you. Your endless love was manna for my heart, mind and soul without which I seem not to be able to survive another single second. Darling you know my heart beat for you and only you. My darling wife, I love you. I wouldn't have traded even a second spent with you for a trillion dollars because every second of my life that I spent with you was priceless. The first thing in the morning, I yearned for your captivating smile, soft kiss, tender touch, now that you are not around, I feel as if I am lost. My love, I love you more, forever. Please memories do not leave me ever! No one can replace your place in my heart, I am totally lost, now that we are apart. My wife, my love, I love you more than me, it is just for you to see, I will love you forever and ever! Thanks for being there in my life. You are the sweetest person I ever knew, you were the perfect wife all expect, love you loads! I love you deeper than the sea, higher than the sky, till the end of time. I was so lucky, with you around, everything was so bright and always new. I love you! You gave everything, since the time we met and married, and, never ever complained in return. You were my destiny, my only thought. Thanks for being in my life. Each day, I think about you, and, I love you more than ever. You are the bright star of my life. We will be together in time my love. Without you, can I survive?
I Love you, my sweet Debbie!
Fred Goins
January 25, 2013
Oh How I miss you Sweetheart, Pray you are enjoying the walls of Jasper and the streets of Gold as you walk with all the Saints, and our Lord JESUS! I miss you so much!
My Lovely Wife
Fred Goins
January 23, 2013
Fred Goins
January 23, 2013
Another sad and lonely Anniversary,
On the 25th of September, 2011 my whole world fell apart, as my sweet darling wife Debbie passed away after a 5 year plus battle with cancer. We were married for 43 wonderful years, and we both thought there would be many more years ahead of us. GOD had other plans. I cannot put into words how heartbroken I am, still. One minute the world was a lovely place, the next it is a living nightmare. I was at Debbie's bedside, holding her hand, praying, brushing her beautiful hair, wetting her sweet lips as she slipped away from me. It was such a blessing to be there but also a knife in the side event as she passed. I still cannot believe she is gone! I expect her to return from the store anytime now? I have had some support from family and several friends, but mostly from my sweet daughter, Amy. She lives about 2300 miles from here, but came straight away to see her Mother in her final days. At the moment, with everybody gone back to their lives, and most of my family scattered around the US, I feel very vulnerable. I miss my special girl so much, and love her more that anything in the world. All my friends say that I had the perfect wife and I feel the same. My beautiful Debbie was so brave, she handled her cancer so gracefully, she never complained, she was such a inspiration to all who knew her. She was always thinking of others and how she could help them, even in her last days she was sending cards and making phone calls to people we have known for years. Debbie was always so kind and gentle. She tried to make her impending passing easy for me by not complaining of all the pain she was in. and all the what if's! Debbie was such a brave and wonderful woman and I find it so hard to live without her. I miss her so much, I feel so alone and often cry for her. I dream of Debbie often, and each time the dream seems so real, like she is actually there. Over these past sixteen months, 25 Jan 2913, I have found numerous love notes around the house in odd places (she was forever leaving them for me) and they make me smile just like Debbie always did. Everyone loved her smile! I believe I have had other signs that she is still with me in spirit, and I can feel that she is here with me. I am getting on with my life to the best of my ability because she would want me to live a good and decent life. On the anniversary of Debbie's passing in September 2013, I am going to plant an Apple tree in a 'Life for a Life' garden along our driveway, her favorite. Debbie was the "Apple of my Eye". It will be a loving memorial to my sweet Debbie that should live for years to come. I am also doing other things to keep her name and memory alive. I feel lonely, not for anybody else, just for her. I will love her until the day I die. I don't know how I'm going to get through this life without Debbie. GOD help me. I just know I have to try, because if I didn't, Debbie would tell me I should. I love her so much that it is so hard to go on without her. I miss you my sweet darling, and I'll love you forever. I don't seem to want to be with other people, I just want Debbie back but I know that is never going to happen.
Your Loving Husband and Best Friend,
Freddie
Fred Goins
December 9, 2012
My Dearest Debbie,
I am not too good with words and expression and that might be one of the reasons that a letter from my side will surprise you even more this day. Today is the day I want to thank you Debbie for every effort you put into our wonderful 43 year relationship that worked. I know I did not often express how important your efforts were or expressed my deep feelings for you but that does not lessen my love for you dumplin. I cannot write the right words and get romantic at a moments notice but I now think that once in a while I must express my loving self to you sweetheart. Therefore, in this letter so that you do not feel depressed, always remember sugar, that I so love you even if I did not come up with the original saying, "I love you". You have sacrificed so much for me and our kids, there could have never been a better wife, mother or friend, than you Debbie. With you by my side sweetheart, all my worries seemed to be at bay as you always make me smile and could seemingly take away my worries or concerns. This is just a small reminder of my immense love, respect, admiration, and care for you my dear. Debbie, love me always like you always have and please never let me go, my life is now so lonely and incomplete without you. I cannot describe to you my feelings on this silent winter night Deb, while many are sleeping around me, many of them, like me are enjoying the last, perhaps, only feelings of true love, before that of death -- and I, suspicious that Death is creeping behind me with his fatal dart, am praying to our Lord JESUS, to come quickly. Forever and forever, my Love is enduring, Freddie
I miss my Family, All done now!
Fred Goins
November 27, 2012
My Sweet Darling Wife, Debbra J Branch Goins 15 Sept 1951 - 25 Sept 2011
Fred Goins
November 25, 2012
Fred Goins
November 25, 2012
Dear Debbie,
I adore you so much, sweetheart … It has been such a terribly long time since I last spoke to you, held you, kissed you — fourteen months now, but I know you'll forgive me because you understand how I am, stubborn and realistic; and though there is no real sense to writing this to you, I do anyway. But now I know my darling wife that it is right to do what I have
delayed in doing for so long, and what I have done so much of in the past. I want to tell you I love you more than life itself Debbie, my precious friend and wonderful wife.I find it
hard to understand in my mind what it means to love you as I do even after you are dead — but I still want to comfort and take care of you Debbie — want to see you smile - want to hold and kiss you - and I want you to love me and care for me. I want to have many things to
discuss with you — I want to do little projects with you - I actually want to clean up after you. I never thought until just now that we can not do that, What should we do? We started
building cars, operating amateur radio, racing, raising a family, traveling the world and many others. Some unfinished. Can't I do something now for you Debbie, please? No. I am very alone without you. You were the “Ideal-Woman” and general instigator of all our wild adventures, of which were many sweetheart. When you were sick you worried so because you
could not give me something that you wanted to and thought I needed. You needn't have worried sweetheart, GOD is caring for me when you can't. He is now for sure. Just as I told
you then Debbie, there seemed to be no real need to tell you I loved you - because I loved you in so many ways so very much. It was embedded in my heart. And now it is clearly even
more true — you can give me nothing now, yet I love you so much more, that you stand in my way of loving anyone else — but I want to stand there proudly and hopefully always will sugar. I'll bet that you are surprised that I don't even have a girlfriend after fourteen
months. Remember your comments about flirting others? But you can't help it, darling, nor can I — I don't understand it, for I have met many women since your passing … and you and I
know I don't want to remain alone — but in two or three meetings they all seem like ashes, nothing there. You only are left to me Debbie my dear. You are most real. My darling wife, I do adore you more than ever. I love you sweetheart.
Freddie
Fred Goins
October 29, 2012
My Dearest Sweetheart,
Your presence in my life is what I imagine it was like when oxygen first entered my lungs as a newborn. You were an idea of hope toward love that was a wish come true. When your soft voice sang a song whose lyrics were all the repeating of my name like a harp, I smile that someone loved me this much.
I loved your sometimes annoying habits, our intimate jokes and the sound of your endless laughter from several rooms away. As much as I tried to maintain that tough exterior, I may have fooled the rest of the world, you sliced through all pretense and never let me deny my sensitivity; though I'd love to most days. Your silly dances, your sexy ones too. The way your hair fell on my face in a snuggle and the way you petted the back of my head when. I am grateful, even when we were upset, to have you and to love you Debbie. A sweet and warm presence in a world that's just waiting for me drop my fists enough to get in that sucker punch. That is you my sweet love.I am now and always will be – ever yours. Your Freddie
raggedy Ann - Clowning For Christ
Fred Goins
October 29, 2012
Fred Goins
October 29, 2012
Fred Goins
October 29, 2012
Fred Goins
October 29, 2012
Fred Goins
October 29, 2012
Fred Goins
October 29, 2012
Fred Goins
October 29, 2012
Fred Goins
October 29, 2012
Fred Goins
October 29, 2012
Fred Goins
October 29, 2012
Fred Goins
October 29, 2012
Fred Goins
October 29, 2012
Fred Goins
October 29, 2012
Fred Goins
October 29, 2012
Debbie and Family
Fred Goins
October 29, 2012
Fred - Debbie and Grand Children
Fred Goins
October 29, 2012
The Beginning - 43 Years ago!
Fred Goins
October 29, 2012
Fred Goins
October 25, 2012
Oh Debbie I miss you so, today,after thirteen months..
The mystery of death is one that I cannot truly comprehend. Why are some souls with us so briefly is beyond my understanding. But we know that only the body dies, not the soul, and it is the soul of a person that we love. Our connection with a loved one is not with their physical presence, but their personality, their love, their energy, their spirit. That relationship never goes away. It just takes another form. Debbie was such a soul. "What if told you that Debbie isn't dead? Rather, she has gone to a place where she is safe and happy? She feels no pain; she has no fear and no regrets. You can't see her. But you can send her love packages, and she will receive them and enjoy them. If I told you this, would things be different as we think of sweet precious Debbie?”
“Well,” This is in fact in this case. Debbie is in heaven, where she is at peace, and she can still feel our love. The love packages you send to her are the good deeds you do in her memory and in her honor. When you give a coin to charity, say a prayer, read GOD'S Holy, or show kindness to those in need, you can have her in your mind. She receives a flow of love from you with such actions. Her blessed soul is elevated when you perform good deeds in her memory. Please channel your grief into a positive force, as I am trying to do! Let the vacuum caused by our loss draw more light into this wonderful world.”
Nothing can replace the physical touch of Debbie's hug, the pleasure of seeing Debbie hold her grand children, watching them grow and learn and play, but Debbie is still with us. Please knows that she is blessed with a loving Father who will always protect and love her. You do too. It's so hard to know why it has to be this way, but one day, we will be reunited with the souls of our loved ones, and we will understand it all, as we rejoice with Debbie through our Lord JESUS Christ, and our Father tells it all. This thirteen month anniversary reminds me to send my sweet departed Debbie another special delivery love package, courtesy of the Holy Spirit! I love you, Debbie!.....Freddie
Fred Goins
October 18, 2012
Debbie I Ponder??
Debbie I awake each day with a need to smile and greet it with a laugh,
the world is a treasure to me because of you.
Every time I think of something sad, Debbie I replace that thought- with you!
Every breath I take is meant for you, the promise of your love,
my soul belongs to you.
Each time I see something beautiful, I want to take it and bring it to you,
Debbie my life had so much meaning all because of you.
From the glowing embers of your sweet spirit, came a ton of warmth of your love.
Together we'd set it in a cozy little spot safe from the world up above,
Then a soothing breath from your lungs helped to ignite the flame,
On that lonely candle in the core of my soul,
As time passes day by day, conflicts causes great winds to blow,
But you cup your hands around it and it just flickered with a brilliant glow
They say that nothing is forever but I don't believe that's true,
That little candle in my heart is all because of you.
I beg of you Debbie, never set me free. I prayed to God for a love so true,
Now, I, realize He already knew. In time my prayer WAS answered,
the most wonderful woman, Debbie, HE BLESSED ME WITH YOU.
What we shared feels so right to say I love you every night.
Wonderful moments shared, precious memories, still tell me you care.
I see your shadow, as I lay myself to sleep.
Dreams of you, oh so sweet in my heart, I will keep.
Look into my heart, my life. Tell me, what do you see?
Can you feel the need, the want, as I look at you and me.
Much joy and happiness you've brought me.
If I had life to live again, I'd want to do it with you, my lover, my best friend.
Always and Forever, Debbie I'll love you till the end.
Even if it takes forever to see what happiness really means to me,
I understand love will always be in perfect harmony between you and me.
Yet I can only say, this love for you will never decay.
Debbie I love you every single day and in every single way,
and it pained me so, to see you fade away.
It was early Sunday morning when we said good-bye,
I knew right then that my heart would cry.
You felt so cold, and it hurt me so, I loved you so much, that I had to let you go.
A love so true, it felt so sweet, for years of my life, you swept me off my feet.
Debbie I tried everyday, to remind you of my love,
for I knew you were precious and sent from up above.
I held you every moment... I held you tight,
Praying you would always love me every day, and every night.
But time went on, as it tends to do and with times passing,
I fell even deeper in love for you,
I couldn't stop crying, it hurt me so much,
for I longed every moment to feel your gentle touch.
I gaze into your beautiful brown eyes, to see only gray, I knew what you had to say.
I hold on to you, in the depths of my heart, regardless of how it tore me apart.
My love still remains Debbie, through your journey is done,
I stand by your side, as you did me.
I still love you sweetheart, and maybe time mends my heart,
but never shall your precious memory part,
And you will always have a special place within my broken heart.
You will always be the first, who touched me so deep, memories are there to keep.
Debbie you taught me how to love and, darling You will always be my first love.
The soft autumn breeze whispered in our ears, the weakness hit our knees,
The closer you came the tighter you held me,
my body became numb like it was always meant to be.
As you'd come near there'd be a smile on my face,
I know there was nothing to fear when my heart began to race.
You said that special word that lasts in our hearts forever, as we were face to face,
our love is forever as our lips willingly embrace.
Your smile awoke my soul, as the sun awoke the day,
A kiss and my life was forever yours, it seemed a fair price to pay.
Your touch aroused my senses, as the moon arouses the night,
Hold me and keep me forever, in your arms, all things will be right.
Your heart endured all emotion, as the sky endures all the stars,
Love me Debbie, as we'll be together for eternity,
there is no greater love than ours.
I CAN'T GO ON WITHOUT YOU!
I can't see my life if you aren't there to cling to and to love.
Debbie don't forget me, Debbie don't cry - I do that for you... Freddie
Lillie Mae, Patty and Debbie
Fred Goins
September 16, 2012
Fred Goins
September 14, 2012
Happy Birthday,,, Happy Happy Birthday,,,Sweetheart,
I don't know why I am writing this birthday love letter my dear, because I really know this letter will never get to you personaly. Happy,, Happy,, Birhday, Sweetheart. I have only just lost you a short time ago Debbie and the pain is hard to bear without you my dearest friend on this a special day, your birthday! Do I have to go through life knowing you're not here with me Sweetheart on all your future birthdays? Please, would some one explain to me why Debbie had to go? Are there any reasons I really need to know about? As I sit here and remember all the tender lovely times we shared, the long sweet talks, and your continous laughter, such a wide warm smile comes on my face and a feeling of intense warmth in my heart. I am continually told my pain will ease in time and that I will think of you Sugar without a tear but that will be impossible, as I need to have you here with me in person, in order to stop the tears and endless pain. Debbie, you were my very world. Sweetheart you were my ever guiding star. Please, Debbie, just kiss me softly on the cheek once more and tell me you love me ever so softly. Lift me up with you sugar. Ask our Father to bring me home! I only wish I had, had more time to show you just how much I really do love you Debbie. I thought of you with tender love today but that is nothing new, as I thought about you yesterday and all the days before that too. I think of you in endless, mind numbing, silence and I often speak your name repeatedly. All I have now, are your wonderful memories and your beautiful pictures. Your precious memory is my keepsake with which I'll never part! God has you in His keeping, and I have you in my lonely heart. When you were here Debbie, you would hold me in your loving arms, for what seemed like eternity. Oh My! I felt your deep love and simple tenderness, seemingly keeping me safe from all harm. I would look up into your beautiful brown sexy eyes, and so much love I would see. How did I get so blessed, you were the best wife ever chosen, just for me? There is something special about a wife's love you know Debbie. I know it was sent to me from some place up above. Our love is everlasting; I just wanted you to know, my sweet sugar plum. And I wanted to tell you so Sugar, again. You have shown me what true love is and what it felt like to be so deeply loved. Every time you kissed me and our lips touched ever so softly, I could feel it. Wow! I got the same magical feeling on our last kiss, as our first kiss. I could feel it when our hearts got so close they were beating as one. Sugar, you are the beat of my lonely heart, the soul in my body; you are me, because without you I am nothing. I love you more!!! Debbie, you were my only real girlfriend, real love, my children's mother, and my best friend. You were the one I knew I could turn to when I needed help. You are the one I looked at when I needed to smile and you are the huggy bear I went to when I needed a loving hug. With you gone, it is like I have left my soul at your side. I am not as strong as I thought I was Debbie my dear. Another day passes and once again I have to pretend that I am strong. I lay and cry all night long, my, Dearest Darling, because you are gone and now that I am home alone, I don't have to pretend to be strong! Why you and not me? Where's the justice? You had so much to offer. You have shown me how to live and how to be truly happy. I want you to know that every time I do smile, you have put it there Debbie. You make me smile when others can't, you make me feel so warm when I am cold. You have shown me so much love and so much more. You are my whole world and I love you with all my broken heart. You are my happiness. Every night I sleep with a special photo of you on our headboard. Each night when I go to bed, I kiss my fingers, then touch your beautiful face on my precious picture of you. I put your photo over our bed so you could look over me as I sleep honey. The silence is scary. Well, now it is my turn to look toward you as you sleep and keep you safe, in my dreams. Debbie, I want to say something more and I mean this more than ever, because you have passed away, does not mean I am not with you sweetheart. I'll always be there looking over you Debbie, keeping you safe. So if you ever feel lonely, like me, just close your eyes and I'll be there, right by your side sweetheart. Can you feel my touch darling? You are my happiness.
Happy Birthday my Dearest Love,
Love Forever and Always, Freddie
"When you feel like you're drowning in life,
don't worry -- your Lifeguard walks on water."
Fred Goins
August 30, 2012
My Darling Debbie,
I really had to write this today because I can´t stop thinking about
you, even if I try my hardest not to. When I looked deeply into your warm
and beautiful brown eyes, I saw how they shined every time you looked at
me. I know there isn´t much you can do against the ocean of distance between us, but you still don´t seem to leave my thoughts. You are my most constant memory; you are the constant passion in my sad loving heart,in my broken body and in every inch of my skin. Now and forever, all I wish,is to feel your head on my shoulder even after when the merciful signs of time decide to take away that light in your eyes and the strength of your body. You, my beloved sweetheart, will always have the loveliest and most beautiful face I will always see. Your smile, the silver lining of my dreams, I will always see. My heart is filled with happiness, as it feels reassured that all the affection I've devoted to you, echoed in your kind heart my love. It's wonderful to feel loved and wanted by someone as sweet as you Debbie. It
felt great that each one of your kind gestures and soft caresses had a
reason to be; they were not just automatic gestures but truly felted ones,coming from the bottom of your loving heart just to cheer me up and make me happy. I would LOVE YOU MORE each day if only that was possible again! But it isn't, because you already have the best of me. Our lives have already walked side by side and I can only imagine great things happening in them now. Forgive me if I sound too prideful, but it pleases me to know that you were happy and to know that my presence was the reason for your well
being. I'm so happy to know that you were happy by my side! I will devote
myself to you always; I want to see your happiness for the rest of time, and I will. I can never neglect the beautiful compassionate love we shared, and as I imagine one day again, looking into your beautiful eyes and finding that bright flame of affection and happiness you so brilliantly displayed.
I love you, My Darling Debbie
Fred Goins
August 19, 2012
Happy Anniversay my Love. You know that old song, "You are my Sunshine"? Many have sang it, all upbeat and happy, guitars strumming. Mothers sing it all the time to their kids, in cute little voices that make them giggle and sing along. My sweet Debbie used to sing it to me, in her soft voice, edged by years of happiness. I can remember sitting next to her as she rocked our
children slowly back and forth, singing softly-"You are my sunshine, my only sunshine, you make me happy when skies are gray." It was simple, sweet, enchanting. "You'll never know dear, how much I love you - "She'd tickle me, peck my cheek with red lipstick kisses when she sang it to me. "Please don't take my sunshine away." It happened. Debbie died when I was sixty two. That was around the time when I finally realized that the song wasn't a happy one. It wasn't a sweet lullaby or a upbeat love song meant to be sang in a country tune. It wasn't meant to be put into Teddy-bears or Greeting Cards or sang to a bunch of squealing children watching cartoons acting on the television. But no one else seems to see it but me. So I have just ignored it. I wake up thinking I'd never have to hear the song again, never have to hear it and think of the special one I'd always loved. Then I
remembered Debbie. Debbie was sunshine! She was blinding, stunning, crafty. Her smile alone would light up a crowded room, her eyes brighten a dimly lit room, the way she moved, sparking life into those around her. And Lord was she beautiful. She was beautiful in a t-shirt that was too short for her, her stomach peaking out from under the cut fabric, jeans that fit snugly on her hips, water bottle in hand, laughter rolling off her chest. Gorgeous in a cotton dress, made custom her way, with a fancy bow and brown sandals, her long flowing hair perfectly styled, glistening, smile plastered to her face. She was breath taking in a bathing suit, her innocent look taunting us all. Then I remember my sweet Debbie. Debbie was my sunshine! Who'd have thought it could be? She may have been the most loving person I ever met, the most determined, the most understanding, but that never took away from the sheer magnitude of her… her glory? Was that the word? Seems a silly word to use but that's the only one coming to my mind. Her
magnificant glory. Her big heart. There we go, her heart. Her heart was
something I'd never seen in another human being before. She liked to pretend, to think that she didn't have a heart, that she just had a hunk of metal and electricity in her chest keeping her alive, but not an organ created by GOD himself, a beating, living, pulsing organ that was capable of breathing life into a woman as powerful as she. She didn't like to think she was a good human, didn't think she deserved to be recognized as one. She
probably would have preferred to be a robot, now that I think about it. She
got the flu one winter, as we sometimes do, so bad that she couldn't leave the bed for a couple days because of the pain in her chest. I'd had the flu only once before and trust me, it's terrible. Feels like a cinder block or two have been placed on your chest, added to the fire in your lungs, the bee stings in your throat and its all you can do not to cry from it all. And Debbie was a GOD sent angel, so patient. She doesn't whine, she doesn't complain, she stomps her foot like she's six. It's cute for the first hour, then it's almost insufferable. So after the chicken noodle soup and the warm blankets and the drugs and the movie marathon that had only lasted an hour and the collection of all her pills and the phone, I sat with her in bed, her small cute form nestled in my lap like a child, my hands pressed to her bare chest hopeing to help soothe her pain with a bit of my warmth. She was dazed from the amount of drugs in her system, I'm sure she'd taken
enough Nyquil to knock out Wonder Woman. Debbie did not do pain! And then, one by one, the words started coming, "You are my sunshine, my only sunshine, you make me happy when skies are gray-"She squirmed in my
arms, twisting to bury her soft face in my neck. "You never know dear, how much I love you, please don't take my sunshine away." Debbie made a giggling sound against my neck. I could feel her words catching in her sore throat and she couldn't finish. If she expected more from me, she did little to show it. She just dozed against me, whimpering now and then from pain, before falling asleep. She always liked falling asleep against me. I liked the warmth, the way she fit perfectly into my loving arms, the beautiful look on
her tender face when she'd wake up a few hours later. He was indeed beautiful. She was all mine. That's the first verse. The second verse I can never bring myself to sing aloud. The other night, as I lay dreaming, I dreamt I held you in my arms Debbie. But as I awoke, dear, I was mistaken, and I hung my head and cried like a baby with collick. Too many nightmares
now. Sometimes Carl Lee, even when he was mischievious. Sometimes Grandmaw, even though I know she had lived a good long life. Sometimes Daddy, all the boys. All those loving people I was never again going to see. Time was supposed to make this easier. But this kind of grieving never really
ends. "I'll always love you and make you happy, if you will only say the same
sugar". Many had said Debbie and I would never make it in the beginning. They told us we'd have maybe a month or two together. Two months, two years, ten years and then forty three years of constant friendship. It was so easy. Love isn't always easy. Anyone who thinks it is has never, truly, been in love. The hard parts are what makes the whole trip worth while in the end, so I've been told. There were days I argued with Debbie,
weeks I was aggravated at Debbie. No, I think I aggravated Debbie? But
then, that was the years nothing made sense, the year we lost Bobby, then Sandra, then Dennis, and then Daddy and Mama. Those years I thought I would lose my mind. You know you think moments like that, moments
when all you feel is extreme emotion, confusion, that comes from a broken heart,
will only last for a short while, then things will right themselves and you'll
soldier on. But they don't. I never got to say a final "Goodbye". Not to my sweet Debbie. I died loving the love of my life. God, isn't that ironic? Isn't that just the sickest joke fate can play? You die with nothing but absence in your broken heart. Anger, a bitter, ugly emotion, festering in your dying heart. And that's the last emotion you'll ever want. And for someone who
you'd loved, someone who you would have given anything for, sometimes its justified. This time it wasn't. And Debbie knew it. She went to bed each
night knowing how much I Ioved and admired her. I am sad to have let something so beautiful die, because I wasn't able to help her. I'd put out my own sun. Debbie you often told me, you really loved me, and no one
else could come between us. I would tell her every morning that I loved her, every morning like clockwork to the rising of the bright sun. She'd open her eyes and cling to me tightly, and the world was so much brighter.
And now you've left me love, you have shattered all my dreams. One of these days I'll see you again and things will mend and be pleasant forever. One of these days, GOD willing one day soon, the two of us will sit down and talk about all this. She'll know how much I loved her, that I've missed
her so, that I want nothing more than to feel the heat of her skin, the scratch of her fingers in my hair, and taste the honey from her soft and tender lips. She'll know, she has to know. And we'll go back to the first
verse. "You are my sunshine, my only sunshine, you make me happy when skies are gray. You never know dear, how much I love you- Please don't take my sunshine away." I cherish and thank you for the gift of time and joy we shared Debbie. I just want to sing a song, or steal a kiss; to make love until dawn or truly believe I could ever be missed. I want to write words like love and joy with that special someone's smile in my mind; I want to hold my head up high and wear a smile and a gleam in my eye. With a big smile and the huge love I've always had for you, I just want to say, I love you, my darling wife.” I love you, Debbie. Forty Three years later, I've never stopped. I still dream of hearing you say "I love you more!" Happy ...
Happy Anniversay my Love!
Such a Beautiful and Sweet Angel!
Fred Goins
August 18, 2012
Charlene
August 16, 2012
Debbie, it's almost a year since you went to our Lord and I still miss you. I know you're enjoying heaven. Can't wait to sit at our Lord's feet with you and worship Him.
Fred Goins
August 14, 2012
To My Dearest Debbie...,
Sweetheart, you understand that I'm a person of few words when romance is discussed. I don't often say what is on my mind and even if I do, it usually doesn't come out quite right when I talk about feelings of love. But what I did not express verbally to you, didn't mean I didn't feel it in my big loving heart. It did! You always raised my Heartbeat when I was around you. You still do! Puppy love for sure. I may not have said "I love you", everyday and as often as I should have? I may not have bought you beautiful gifts on all the special occasions that mattered. I may not have always empathized when you were crying out for understanding. And I may not have done the right things to make you feel loved at all times. I am truly sorry honey! Oh, how I Love you pretty baby! It seemed so easy to Love you! Debbie, if you had judged me on those things alone, I know I failed miserably sugar. But you were not one for judgement sweetheart. Such a big heart for others you had! If only you could look through my sad heart now to see who it is beating wildly for, you would truly know the depth of my love for you Debbie my friend. My heart is broken now and falling apart as I miss you darling. I love you so very much. Darling, my emotions may not have shown always, but a very special love that is mostly hidden like mine, is always deep and eternal. My heart can accommodate no other apart from you and I know this is how it is going to be for the rest of my life. I miss you sweetheart. Expressionless at times I may be. Cold I may sometimes seem. But Lover, true love doesn't need to be always shown on the outside? It resides in one's heart just as how it resides deep in mine. Sweetheart, and no matter that the seasons that have come and gone, my love for you has been there withstanding the test of time. You can now see that.Thank you for your hand in marriage, Dumplin. As I write this today, tears flowing, hands trembling, the words are hard to flow. I must now go through the rest of my life without you! How? I need you Debbie, just that someone special to Love me. Oh how I love you still. It is not my normal nature to be expressive in these matters of the lonely heart. But no matter what Debbie Dear, I want you to know that you were and are loved and cherished like no other earthly creation!.... And I want you to know Deb, that I really do Love all of you!.... My inadequate words never did and never will be able to describe exactly how I feel for you Sugar Bear. So Deb, lets take a walk by the sea of love once again, and listen closely to one another. I send you all my love, "Sealed with a Kiss". Its going to be a long lonely life now. I never wanted to say, goodbye. Neither did you! I remember your telling me you will see me again soon that very day you departed for Heaven! I will see you in the sunlight each day. So many memories. Debbie, Let me end this love letter with 4 simple words, straight from my heart Darling, "I love you More!"
Forever yours, Freddie
Fred Goins
July 24, 2012
Oh Debbie, I am so lonely I can hardly bear it. TEN long, sad, and tearful months have passed since you departed for Heaven. As I once needed happiness so have I needed your soothing and
sweet Love. And as I love you utterly, you now have become the whole world of my spirit. It is beyond anything that you can ever do for me; it lies in what you are, Dear Debbie — to me so intently lovely, that to be near you, to see you, to hear you, is now the only happiness, the only life, I have ever known. How long these endless hours are all alone! Debbie I miss you!!! Though it is good for me to know the measure of my love and the need for you, that I may at
least be brought to measure myself as never before , that I not lose the sweet and tender love and trust that you have given me over these awesome 43 years.
My Dear Debbie, let's make and keep our special love more beautiful than any love has ever been! "Just Let 'Em Try and Part Us" Growing up I dreamed about the special person I could love someday. I imagined I would meet someone special from a fairy tale, someone who was wonderful and charming, who was like no
other in this world, and I did. As I grew older and started to deal with different life situations, I didn't think that that true love really existed the way ours did! One day I met this special someone who walked into my life, this someone who made me feel like I could feel true and endless love, that maybe that word LOVE really did exist the way I thought it may. Not only have
the questions of love that surrounded my heart disappeared, I could now feel the warmth of true Love. I could dream again, I could imagine that I was now a part of that special lovely fairy tale
that I always wanted to be in. My life changed in a marvelous way that I could never think possible, when I met you Debbie. I am the luckiest person in the world, as my dreams had come true. I now could love that special someone who was so very wonderful and charming, that
someone who made my heart skip a beat. Someone who, if I didn't speak to within every hour of the day, I missed terrribly. Someone, who when they spoke, I couldn't control the smile that not
only enlightened my face but my day! I so love that someone who is not like any other person of this world....it's you I LOVE, YOU BABY, YOU DEBBIE!!!!! One day I met that very special someone, who walked into my life, that someone who made me feel like a King thoughout my whole body. My heart plummeted and I could feel the warmth of true Love when I first met you Debbie my Dear!!! I could dream again, I could imagine that I was now a part of that special fairy tale that I always wanted to be in. My life had changed in way that I never thought possible. Now, that Dream is no more! I miss you Debbie!
Fred Goins
July 8, 2012
Debbie my precious Love, I will always remember the very first special GOD blessed time we met, the very first time our tender lips touched, the extremely special first time you wrapped your tender arms around me and rested your head, with its long brown hair, on my shoulder, your bright loving smile, the way you looked at me with those sparkling eyes, will always be fresh deep in my lonely heart. There are so many lovely and tender memories that will bind us for ever. I still bare some hope deep in my sad and lonely heart, that someday my undying love will bring you back to my aching arms. Your early love letters remind me of how much you loved me! The picture of your charming smile keeps flashing in front of my teary eyes; though I know things will never be the same ... I just can't stop myself Debbie...I still love you Sweetheart..I still yearn for your loving embrace. It's been awhile now since I have seen your lovely face, and those soft brown eyes; but no matter how many more months I won't get to see you, your precious memories and my never ending love for you will never fade away. I leave everything in GOD,S hands; I am sure you still think about me there. Though over a period of sad time, I am beginning to realize the bitter truth, that we can't be together again here. I do not hesitate to say that I am still hanging on to our special and tender love, and wishing it were so. I have so many unanswered questions in my mind, that sometimes they force me to speak to you out loud, attempting to get the answers and at the same time, give you a final goodbye my love. At the same time, I pray I come to the realization that our undying love will never again be, here in this world. Sooner or later.. It doesn't matter .. I am still waiting for you Debbie my dear…
and I always will! No matter if you come to me or not.. I will never have any regrets in this life of loving you… of holding you in my arms, of dreaming to be with you forever...till that time, I am alive only in the flesh, not in the heart. I love you more Debbie Goins!
Fred Goins
June 25, 2012
Debbie you have been on my sad heart for nine months now as I think of that wonderful Glory Land you are now in. So lonely am I. There is a mighty host waiting for us, me too? How great is he that loved us first! What a joy it will be when my Lord I shall see over in the glory land! I hope I can join that angel choir there? Do you think I will make it? If not, I will just listen to my Lord and you my sweet Debbie singing praise to his Holy name! I sure hope this blessed day finds you in great favor! Miss you all terribly sweetheart. Sure wish I could give you a big hug sugar. I look forward to the day I can take all this armor off when I get home and set at your table for manna. What a day that will be.!!!!!..These burdens here that I must bear will soon be gone, but I will work till JESUS comes and gathers his flock and me! This terrible earthly trial is such as has never been before and only our Lord JESUS can carry me through it. Help me Lord is my prayer! Debbie I am so lonesome and at times, cry out for my Lord to come get me, but offer to continue to do his work as it must be? Why, what, for me, I ponder now? Lots of idle time to ponder all of the wonderful blessings JESUS has bestowed upon our blessed family, friends and I. I pray JESUS comes soon to spend time with me, and teach me how to be stronger in his magnificant work. As I listen often to old gospel songs, I think of you my sweet Debbie dear, seeing you smiling and singing your heart out for our JESUS! Glory, Glory to GOD I shout!!!!.. Such a major part of me is now gone. Please take care of my Debbie Lord I pray, she is so special to me!!!!... I beg every day for forgiveness as I pray to my Lord and request he come soon. I tell it often to all, over and over again, how my Lord saved me from this often ugly world. Thank you JESUS for first loving me. What a Happy Day it was and I am ready for the fight, armored up and spiritually charged, and with the Holy Spirit, here I go! JESUS loves me and you, I know, because the Bible tells me so. Debbie when I think of your gardens here, I am lifted up, pondering how the LORD makes us all grow! The wonderful memories of our 43 years of continuous marital blessings is always on my feeble mind Debbie. Received a very encouraging email from our Preacher Land today. Oh how special that man of GOD is to us. How does he love us all as he does? GOD bless him. Well, better git sugar. See ya Love,on down that narrow path! In Christ, Freddie
Beautiful Branch's
Fred Goins
June 9, 2012
Debbie, Patty, Doug and Kenny
Idaho Adopt-A-Highway Memory For Debbie
Fred Goins
June 9, 2012
IN LOVING MEMORY OF DEBBIE GOINS
1968 Drexel, NC
Fred Goins
June 7, 2012
Fred Goins
June 7, 2012
Debbie in Atlanta Dec 1968
Fred Goins
June 7, 2012
Kooskia Singing
Fred Goins
June 7, 2012
Debbie
red Goins
June 7, 2012
Debbie, Patty and their Mother
Fred Goins
June 7, 2012
Debbie n patty
Fred Goins
June 7, 2012
I Miss you sweetheart!
Fred Goins
May 28, 2012
It has been eight months and two and a half days since Debbie, my loving wife and best friend of 43 years, passed away. I'm doing OK although the pain of losing her is seemingly unbearable. I pray that God will take the pain away but at the same time I'm scared of losing it. I've learned that only GOD will help and that grieving is something you can not prepare for or explain to others. I feel so different from that I had expected. I'm sure each person grieves in their own way. Grieving is such a mixed up process that I don't see how it could possibly be the same for everyone. Debbie was not the first special person in my life to die. I lost both Grandmother's and several Aunt's who were so loving, kind and considerate. While serving in the US Air Force, two of my direct family died in separate car accidents, a sister and a nephew. I also lost both of my Grandfathers. Both were extremely smart interesting men who I enjoyed spending time with but never knew as well as I would have liked. And of course, I lost my Mom and Dad that I loved dearly. Dad was one of the strongest, sweetest and wisest men I ever knew. My loving wife Debbie died of cancer so we both had time to prepare each other for what we knew would eventually happen. Hospice provided us with literature and personal support one day from the end. I felt I was ready the day Debbie left for Heaven. I was not! We learned that Debbie was terminal in the doctor's office in Winstom Salem, North Carolina. I can still see the cute innocent look Debbie gave the doctor when she asked how much time she had left. I could tell she was trying to spare him the pain of having to deliver the news. We both knew well before the appointment that Debbie's days were numbered. GOD designed it that way! That point in time when Debbie asked the question is when everything changed. (The world seemed colorful before than point and a bit greyer from that point on.) We didn't cry as we left the doctor's office. I do remember crying as I drove the two us home but only for a moment. I don't remember seeing Debbie cry that day. From that day on I believe I cried every day while driving to and from anywhere. I don't remember crying at home but I do remember having to clean the tears from my eyes after every trip. Before this experience I was not a crier. My mother and Aunt once commented that they didn't remember seeing me ever cry. I was a believer that men didn't cry or at least not in the public. I know God helped me through this period of time and having Debbie around made things bearable. Although I was sad from time to time I would not say I was depressed. I knew Debbie was going to go to Heaven and that God had other plans for me. Everything happened so quickly. The doctor's gave Debbie only months - she passed away after five years, eight months and eleven days later. Everything changed several days before Debbie passed away. It was hard for her to get out of bed, turn side to side. We were still sleeping in in our bedroom in our bed. She could not walk to the bathroom. She was no longer the Debbie I fell in love with physically. Her body was dying. I could still see the wonderful woman I loved in my eyes and I could still hold her soft hands and lie next to her, sharing our lives together. But everything else was passing. Two days before Debbie passed she told me of how excited she was to soon see her JESUS. She always wanted to be in our bed in the bedroom with just me around her and not have any pain. GOD granted her prayer request. We never slept apart in 43 years of precious marriage except when I was on trips away serving this great nation. Debbie had a way of talking with her eyes. She had large beautiful brown eyes that she had somehow learned to show emotions with. Whenever she would say something with her eyes, tears would flow from mine at the end. I tried not to cry so Debbie would not get stressed. The last full sentence she said, the evening she passed away, was "I love you Freddie." Debbie died early in the morning of Sunday, 25 September, 2011 with me sitting next to her in my wheel chair holding her soft hand. Only GOD was by our side. She was coherent enough to ask for water shortly before passing away and calling my brother and his wife. The last few minutes of her life were so peaceful as she slipped away from this world. She looked so peaceful and beautiful as her life ebbed away. (She sounded like she was praising the Lord JESUS.) The moment she died, it was almost as if I could see and feel her soul leave her precious body. I can still see that moment clearly in my mind's eye. I miss her dearly. For some reason I didn't right away cry after Debbie died. I was probably in shock. We had many plans and arrangements to make and people to visit. I had gotten so little sleep the week before Debbie passed that everything seemed a blur. I just wanted everyone to stay away and for the memorial to be over quickly. I knew living alone without Debbie was going to be very painful and I wanted to get on with it. I didn't want to have to keep enduring the pain. Although it was nice to see all our loved ones I also wanted everyone to leave so I could start my life all over again. It took several weeks before the memorial was complete and everyone had paid their tributes. I finally returned to our now not so warm and inviting home alone for the first time in 43 years. I was surprised how much I enjoyed getting cards, emails and notes. Cards would sometimes come from people that I didn't really know. It felt good to know that they were thinking and maybe even praying for me. I have always felt uncomfortable sending condolence cards to people I am not that close to. I can see I was wrong. Each of the cards meant more to me than any of the senders will ever know. That whole period of time is a major blur to me now. I can only remember bits and pieces. After the memorial, our church family had a large dinner for all. That was extremely helpful. I can not describe how good to felt to know I was still part of their family. It was also helpful to hear stories and talk about my sweet Debbie. Once everyone had left and I was all alone things were not as bad as I thought they would be, or at least so I thought. I missed Debbie but at the same time I was glad she was with the Lord and no longer in pain. I wonder if I was in in shock. I'm blessed to have a Lord who holds me tenderly. I must have told the story of Debbie's passing at least a hundred times over the next two months. Each time I would tell the story, telling it would get a little easier. I know I must have looked sad as I talked about Debbie but I felt better. Since Debbie's death I have not once not wanted to talk about her. I wish I could tell everyone about how wonderful she was. One thing I have learned from this precious experience is that it is good for one who is grieving to talk about the person that is gone - it is not a subject to avoid.I have filled these eight months after Debbie passed looking for things that would make me feel better. I tried everything from doing activities Debbie and I used to enjoy, to watching cooking shows. I again began to repair computers for all. Eventually I learned that only time seems to help.. Although these activities helped to take my mind off the loss, it did not reduce my pain. The pain has gotten much worse over time. It is not that I'm lonely, I just seem to have an extreme sadness/pain that will not go away. I'm having a tough time concentrating and eating and I've noticed I don't interact as easily with other people as I once did. Considering everything, I think I'm doing OK? I just didn't think it would be this hard! I now know how people feel when they say life is not worth living. I would never consider suicide. However, given the choice I would choose to end my life without hesitating. I'm sure people who have not lost a spouse will not understand that statement. I don't want to die and I have not lost hope or faith. It is just that life does not makes sense without my sweet Debbie. Just like it is hard to comprehend that Debbie is no longer here, it is also hard to comprehend life without her. I've noticed that after a few months everyone else has moved on and most of them assume I should be doing the same. It is not as if they have forgotten about Debbie. They just seem to be moving forward and probably don't realize that things are getting harder for me not easier. Several months after Debbie passed a nurse sent me a card and then a week or so later cooked several dinners for me. She said she was slow with the card and meals because she knew I would have plenty of support shortly after Debbie passed but probably less support later when I needed it the most. Her simple gesture meant more than I'm sure she will know. I'm sure very few people have noticed, but after eight months I still cry daily. I try to hide it. It is hard when tears start to drip down my face as I'm sitting at my computer, standing in a checkout line, attending church, or driving down the road. I'm not a crier, I don't understand where the tears come from. Although I'm looking forward to the day the tears don't come. I'm also frightened of that day. So what should I do now? The pain of not having Debbie in my life is eating away at me day after day. I don't feel like I need professional help. In fact, I feel as if I'm doing OK. I feel like dying was something Debbie had to go through and living with this is something I too must endure - I guess? I know things will get better? I know God has other plans for my life. I just don't know how I'm going to make it through the next minute, ten minutes, five hours, two days, next week, next month, next year...Things never seem to get easier with time, and most things stay the same. I constantly think about holding hands with Debbie often as I have done in previous years. I still think of doing this often and it still hurts when I realize she is gone forever. I sometimes find myself grabbing at the air - don't ask me why. Yesterday for the first time in eight months I was able to sit down here at out homeplace and have a meal without Debbie. Much of my time is wasted due to me not being able to concentrate. Not that I am day dreaming or doing something else, I just can not get my mind to concentrate on solving problems. A task that would usually take an hour to complete could easily require a full day now. As time goes by, the problem seems to get worse not better. Two or three months after Debbie passed away, I found I would only end up with about two or three hours out of ten, productive. I don't know where my head was at those times. Each day I would tell myself that the next day would be better. I'm sure I will have days that are better than others. I have also found myself wanting to spend time with someone of the opposite sex - not physically but mentally. I wish I had someone to go for a walk with or just share simple things with - someone to talk with. I miss our talks. Although I miss Debbie terribly, I still do feel so lonely. One of the harder things about having her gone is not having someone to share the small things in my life with. Only someone who knows me like a wife could share in my joy. I must be a simple-minded person because my life seems to be filled with similar desires. I miss not being able to share my many blessings with that someone special. I read an article on grief today that was provided by our local hospice director, Cindy. This fella stated that when his wife died of cancer he thought he knew what to expect and that he would be OK. He said he was not "OK" and that he "was so ignorant of the grief process." He went on to say "friends and family are well-meaning in their attempts, however, they truly don't understand the depth of your loss." This coming from someone who is an expert in grief and grieving. I still cry daily - tears hurt more now that it is summer, both physically and mentally. I hopefully will never forget the details of our life together. I feel as if my memory of Debbie is coming both of photographs and from my mind and heart. I'm having a tough time remembering when certain things happened to us. She always remembered everything so I relied on her memory. It hurts too know that even my memories are not as good as hers. Flowers are starting to bloom in our yard and alongside our driveway. Debbie loved flowers. She loved to use them for decorations. I can't decide what to do with all her art work. I don't want to bring it all into the house. I don't want to give it all away. And I can't just leave them - I will have to move them eventually. I don't know how something like her paintings can cause so much stress in my life. Surprisingly my house feels smaller without Debbie. Although I have gone through the whole house many times I still find myself looking for Debbie's things I may have overlooked. I wish I could find another note or something else of hers that would bring back a good memory. She would always save things like rocks, wood or articles and say "this will make a good memory someday." I'm frightened to death of losing any of the wonderful memories. Life without Debbie seems to be getting harder not easier. I keep thinking life will be easier next week but next week never seems to come. I do think I'm learning to cope but the pain I feel inside has not changed and I still find myself crying almost every day. Living without Debbie is still harder to bear than anything I thought I would ever have to endure. However, the pain is no longer increasing. Even after all this time I don't think my mind has realized that she is not coming back. I still feel like I can call her, and do. Or maybe if I could just change something, she will come back. I know she will not be back but for some reason it feels as if she will. It is as if my mind just does not want to realize that it can no longer talk with her. Grieving is a tough trial. Debbie and I talked quite a bit about me finding someone else after she passed away. She didn't want me to be alone. She told me how lonely she thought I might be after her her life and that she didn't want me to endure any pain. That was her compassion for others. She even selected several women that she thought would make good replacements for her. I know we will not live as husband and wife in Heaven so the idea of looking does not make me feel so uncomfortable. Over the past few months I've been out on a few dates with the same lady. I was surprised on my first date to find myself interested in the other person. When I agreed to go out I was only looking for someone to spend some time with and share my feelings. However to my surprise, I found myself attracted to my friend. It felt good to know that I could find another woman attractive and that someone else found me to be attractive. I only feel a little guilty dating, however, it did feel uncomfortable to be having a good time after so much sadness. I would recommend not postponing dating to someone who may be suffering like I am. I can't explain why - I feel as if it has helped. I felt alone for the first time several days ago though. I was washing my hands when I noticed Debbie's wedding band was missing from my little finger I have worn since her passing. I panicked! I looked all around and realized I was all alone and could not find her ring. The room felt cold, empty and strangely dark. I have no idea why it took so long for me to feel alone. It was not a bad feeling just a strange feeling. Later, after many hours of searching I finally found her ring in my pants. How it got where it was is a mystery. It has been a little over a eight months since Debbie passed away and I'm only doing a little better each month. Although I feel a little better, the level of pain I experience now is what I had expected to feel shortly after her death. Before Debbie passed I truly had no idea how hard this would be. I think one of the harder things about loosing a spouse and best friend is not having that spouse to help cope with the pain. I'm embarrassed to say it, however, I still shed a tear regularly although I'm able to control it now. I was afraid that each monthly anniversary of Debbie's death would be a hard day for me. To my surprise, May 25th ended up being a fairly regular day with my son and family around me. In fact it was kind of a relief. From everything I have read, I knew each month of grieving would be the hardest. I knew after the first month had passed I would have experienced one whole month of emotions, special dates, seasons and holidays without Debbie. Now that that eight months have passed, it is almost like I have graduated without learning anything and now I must go out into the world on my own. Although I still hurt deeply from the loss, I can see that I'm going to be OK. Grieving the loss of Debbie has been by far the worst experience in my life. At the same time, it has changed my life in ways I can't begin to explain. Although life has become harder, much in life seems simpler, I have grown closer to God, and, I believe my outlook on life is clearer. The following statement may sound strange, but I feel blessed to have had this trial in my life. God has shown his grace in ways I could not have imagined before. Thank you JESUS! Debbie, I love you more. Freddie
Fred Goins
May 16, 2012
Oh how I miss my dear departed sweetheart Debbie! I have had the one and only love of my life sent to Heaven for the Holy Choir! What a blessing to have had 43 loving years with this special child of our Lord JESUS!Some glad day I will be there with her also! Soon to be 8 months without my precious darling wife, but with the Lord's help I somehow get through each day! I am broken for sure, but I am still loved by my Lord! Come quickly, is my cry! I love you Debbie! See ya Soon!Freddie
Fred Goins
March 31, 2012
On a bright and sunny Sunday morning in September the Heavenly Angels called
Debbie's name as I held her soft tender hand and carried her away! Oh how
difficult it was to let her go, but my Father said Debbie's work here was done.
So many tears by so many passed as our earthly flesh selfishly looked inward instead of outward. Mine more than most. The year was 2011 and the day the 25th, a date we shall all remember. GOD called Debbie home on her favorite day, Sunday! How fitting, looking back at her never ending service to our precious JESUS! She is now standing in a far away place smiling, singing and watching over all the season's as they pass by her precious loved family! We shall never forget the endless love Debbie gave us. Her reward is that Heavenly Mansion, where she can sing with the all the angels in Heaven's Choir. Do you suppose she is singing "Amazing Grace"? Debbie saved the Last Dance for me, her loving and dedicated husband, friend, lover and father of her 3 precious children. She rocked my world for 43 plus exciting and joy filled years. So many pleasant dreams. Oh how we loved each other more deeply that anyone could know! I was never afraid when she stood by me! Now I tremble so easily. What a magic moment Debbie and I had! If ever there was an Angel she was one! I am so pleased that you were the last one to touch me Debbie. Debbie the last thing I remember before you entered into sleep for the last time was your kissing me! I can remember so well your touching my cheek ever so softly and calling me Freddie. We shall meet again on that Golden Shore sweetheart! Debbie you kept me going strong, growing with each breathe of air because of your sweet tender love. I thank the Lord above for sending you to me. I am living pages from yesterday now, not sure of tomorrow? Our hearts were so full of Spring! The seasons have changed now and sorrow creeps in, even though distant friends try to encourage me. My trembling hands reach for you throughout the night. I have counted every crack in the logs above as I wait to see you once again. I tell our friends I am happy and OK, but the nights alone hurt so and the waking days seem so worthless. So many tears. I remember how you often held me close and told me you loved me! What I would give to hear those special words again. Such a treasure. Another day of living alone? The recliner in the living room seems so
empty now as I cry when I notice you are not there watching your favorite cooking shows or reading your Bible. I saw a beautiful blossoming rose everytime I saw you and still had butterflies in my stomach when you touched me. Now my stomach hurts so! The world is so
different now as I see it! Debbie your smile was so sweet and now missed very
much. Who's gonna fill mama's shoe's? I am counting our blessings one by one
and smiling, but hurting so on the inside. Life is moving forward and I am
having a tough time hanging on! Five months have passed, yet, it feels like
only seconds since you left for Heaven!Debbie I love you MORE Debbie! Lord help me!Your Loving Husband!
Fred Goins
February 26, 2012
Debbie, as I picture you on that Great Mountain with our JESUS, Oh, How I wish I were there with you! Well, it is clear that the Lord has more work for me to do here, (What,I don't Know),so forward I go into the trenches of this troubled world. I am so thankful I had 43 wonderful and loving years with you sweetheart! Debbie as I remember all you did to make my life so Special, I cry. You were such a wonderful and dedicated wife, always interested in doing for others. We were truly one! Debbie I pray daily that I will one day enjoy the peace you had in your heart and the faith you had in our Lord JESUS! Such a Model wife and Life Mate, and great Mother you were. I am troubled that I did not do more for you while we were together? I miss you unbelievably, on this, the 5th month anniversary of of your ascension into Heaven! I sure wish you were to hold me so we could hold each other close and cry together. I look forward to the day I come to rest high on the mountain you are on. I will come shouting and praising! I love you More! Come quickly my Lord!
Fred Goins
February 14, 2012
Happy Valentines Day Sweetheart! These thoughts of you and us are on my mind! Truths about me! I can be myself when I am with you.
•Your idea of romance was dim lights, soft music, and just the two of us.
•Because you made me feel like, I had never felt before.
•I could tell you anything, and you wouldn't be shocked.
•Your undying faith is what keeps the flame out of love alive
•You and me together, we could make magic.
•We were a perfect match.
•Thinking of you Debbie, fills me with wonderful feelings.
•Your love gives me the feeling, that the best is still ahead.
•You never gave up on me, and that's what kept me going.
•You were simply irresistible
•I love you because you brought the best out of me.
•Your terrific sense of humor was always present.
•Every time I looked at you, my heart missed a beat.
•You're the one who held the key to my heart.
•You always said what I needed to hear (You were perfect).
•You have taught me the true meaning of love.
•Love is, what you meant to me - and you meant everything.
•You are always my theme for a dream.
•I have had the time of my life and I owe it all to you Debbie.
•When I look into your soft brown eyes, I can see your loving heart.
•Your love for me was a natural anti-depressant.
•I loved to hear your sweet voice.
•Your love has helped me to rediscover myself.
•Your love was an effective anti-dote to despair.
•I loved to wake up with you by my side...It made my days better.
•You always made me feel that you are by my side no matter what.
•I loved that feeling of being secure when you wrapped your arms around me.
•I loved the way you kept your cool when I would do something stupid.
•Just being with you felt like I could defy the whole world.
•You mean the world to me.
•I liked your small gestures that speak volumes about how much you cared.
•I love the way you treasured the gifts that I gave you.
•I loved the way you would patch up with me after a tumultuous fight.
•And, of-course, your intelligence, because you were smart enough to fall in love with me.
My heart screams out your name.
I miss you Debbie!
Love and Kisses Forever!
Fred Goins
February 13, 2012
My dearest Debbie, May I wish you a wonderful and joyous, and Happy Valentines day from down here on earth. Heaven must be so sweet this time of year! I Love you more, Sugar, Freddie
Fred Goins
February 11, 2012
Like a dessert needs the water,
Like a flower needs the rain,
My soul is thristy for your love,
My heart screams out your name.
Like a ship needs a sailor,
Like the stars need the sky,
You brighten up my world,
Like the moon lights up the night.
Like a movie star loves fame,
Like a poor man needs money,
I need and long for your love,
For you are as sweet as honey.
When the light is fading,
And the sky is dark with blue,
Just remember this one thing,
Debbie Darlin, I really do need you.
I'm so proud I met you,
Would again love to have you by my side,
And I just want you to know,
Debbie, you are the light up my life'
Your Loving Husband, Freddie
Fred Goins
February 1, 2012
The song and words I was talking about was "I Will Always Love" you sang by Whitney Houston! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8QaI-M9sxW4&feature=related
Fred Goins
January 31, 2012
Hello children! Hope you all are well and doing fine. Did you all know that this was your mother's and my special song, so much so, that when she was diagnosed with cancer and with a dark outcome forecast, she spoke these words to me, causing my heart to hurt so! There was nothing I could do to help your mother, only hold her close and tell her how much I loved her and that our Lord wourd take care of us! These words from the song are the words almost word for word out of your mother's mouth. She was such a kind, loving, giving lady, always interested in making others comfortable or making them feel good about themselves. As I sit here and look at her beautiful pictures, I only have those and her tender memories now, with that soft and warm smile I realize even more now how Loving she was! Wish I had video taped her with you children when she held you for the first time. Oh, how the tears flowed from her bright brown eyes and then out comes that beautiful smile and the words spoken so softly, "I LOVE YOU", kissing your cheeks! Debbie loved you all with all her being and always attempted to make your lives better at all times. I was never jealous of her love for you all, only a proud husband and father. I was blessed to have lived with such a loving and kind woman. I am so proud to have had her as your marvelous Mother! Please, never, never forget how much she loved you, as there was a SPECIAL bond between you and her.May your mother's memories always be in your hearts and minds! Love you all! Daddy
Fred Goins III
January 11, 2012
Thank You Lord for my parents and my precious mother. Thank you for the time we had together, for the lessons she taught me, for the humility you gave her. Thank you for her open heart and her testimony on earth. Thank you for giving her the courage and persistence to drag me to God's house where I could hear that Old Old Story. Her picture sits on my desk at work, I see her daily and always brings a smile to my face. What a great an awesome God we have to allow us time with your Saints. Miss you mom....Freddie
Loving Grandmother
Fred Goins
January 5, 2012
Fred Goins
January 4, 2012
On a bright and sunny Sunday morning in September the Heavenly Angels called Debbie's name as I held her soft tender hand and carried her away! Oh how difficult it was to let her go, but my Father said Debbie's work here was done. So many tears by so many as our earthly flesh selfishly looked inward instead of outward. Mine more than most. The year was 2011 and the day the 25th, a date we shall all remember. GOD called Debbie home on her favorite day, Sunday! How fitting, looking back at her never ending service to our precious JESUS! She is now standing in a far away place smiling, singing and watching over all the season's as they pass by her precious loved family! We shall never forget the endless love Debbie gave us. Her reward is that Heavenly Mansion, where she can sing with the all the angels in Heaven's Choir. Do you suppose she is singing "Amazing Grace"? Debbie saved the Last Dance for me, her loving and dedicated husband, friend, lover and father of her 3 precious children. She rocked my world for 43 plus exciting and joy filled years. So many dreams. Oh how we loved each other more deeply that anyone could know! I was never afraid when she stood by me! Now I tremble so easy. What a magic moment Debbie and I had! If ever there was an Angel she was one! I am so pleased that you were the last one to touch me. Debbie the last thing I remember before you went to sleep for the last time was your kissing me! I can remember so well your touching my cheek so softly and calling me Freddie. We shall meet again on that golden shore sweetheart! Debbie you kept me going, growing with each breathe of air because of your sweet love. I thank the Lord above for sending you to me. I am living pages from yesterday now, not sure of tomorrow? Our hearts were so full of Spring! The seasons have changed now and sorrow creeps in, even though distant friends try to encourage me. My trembling hands reach for you throughout the night. I have counted every crack in the logs above as I wait to see you once again. I tell our friends I am happy, but the nights alone hurt so. So many tears. I remember how you held me close and told me you loved me! What I would give to hear those special words again. Such a treasure. Another day of living alone? The recliner in the living room seems so empty now as I cry when I notice you are not there watching your favorite cooking shows. I saw a beautiful rose everytime I saw you and had butterflies in my stomach when you touched me. Now my stomach hurts so. The world is so different now as I see it! Debbie your smile was so sweet and now missed very much. Who's gonna fill mama's shoe's? I am counting our blessings one by one and smiling, but hurting so on the inside. Life is moving forward and I am having a tough time hanging on! Debbie I love you MORE! Lord help me!
Deb n Bucky Playing Clearwater, Idaho
Fred Goins
January 3, 2012
January 1, 2012
January 1, 2012
January 1, 2012
January 1, 2012
January 1, 2012
January 1, 2012
January 1, 2012
DDebbie at Solid Rock Baptist Church Food Ministry
Fred Goins
December 31, 2011
DisneyLand
Fred Goins
December 31, 2011
My Sweetheart Debbie
Fred Goins
December 31, 2011
Debbie and Dear Friend Reba
Fred Goins
December 31, 2011
Debbie, Three ages
Fred Goins
December 31, 2011
Debbie Clowning
Fred Goins
December 31, 2011
Debbie and Little Girl!
Fred Goins
December 31, 2011
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