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John Dutton Obituary
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Krissa
June 15, 2025
Happy Father's Day in Heaven Dad. You are in my heart and in my thoughts every single day.
When I take photos, so many times I remember your photography and think of the photos you'd take if you were seeing what I see. And I remember when you developed your own photos that you took and can even smell the smell of the developing fluid when I think about it. I am so blessed and grateful that I can remember so many small details of so many things. Your face is readily visible in my mind. I don't have to be looking at a photo to see it. Your voice still is audible to me in my mind. I don't need a recording to hear it. The words you said and wrote over the years are with me. I don't have to read them to remember. But I am very thankful for all the photos and for the recordings I do have and for all the words we wrote to each other through the years. They are treasures.
I miss you Dad. 'til we meet again. I love you. Happy Father's Day.
Krissa
May 15, 2025
May 15, 2025. Just now as I typed this, I had to double check to make sure of the year. Surely it's not 6 years. It feels like so much longer and at the same time, feels like yesterday. And I know I've written that before, but it's the strangest feeling. It applies to everything in my life - that feeling of time racing and standing still at the same time -
but May 15, 2019....that's another story. It's surreal how a date can take on a life of its own and become an actual entity.
This morning started with numbness and then floods of tears and, as it always happens when the grief of losing you on earth hits, the surety of knowing you are in Heaven and happy and at peace and waiting for us and probably wishing so hard you could tell us "it's ok" and how we really will never be truly apart...remembering you and thinking about so many things and just being so thankful and relieved that you are my Dad....that's another thing that's strange about the changes May 15, 2019 brought: although your life on this earth has already passed and you were my Dad, I feel a sense of relief as if it is something that I almost missed out on. And it's not just a small relief, it's a big almost overpowering relief.
And I thank God that you were my earthly father and that you are still around in the only way a person can be after they pass. Sometime in these last months I had about a 2 second window of thinking "I have to email Dad about this". Funny thing, I don't even remember what it was, but I know it was good. "They" say that happens to people, that you go to call or message a loved one that's passed and for those couple seconds you don't realize you can't do it. That's the only time it ever happened to me.
Every day I think about you and love you and wish you would have had more time here. At the same time I know and even sometimes physically feel you're still around and it's not over. And while this is a universal concept and not unique to our situation, I'm very grateful because I know a lot of people suffer loss and don't find comfort. So today will be a mix of tears and smiles because of what May 15 is. It will be mixed emotions, but no wondering, no doubt about you still existing and that someday, we'll meet again in 'person'.
I miss you Dad. I love you. Thank you for all you gave me and continue to give me. 'til we meet again.
Krissa
January 8, 2025
79 years ago today, January 8, in Warrensburg, Missouri one of the greatest men to ever live was born. My Dad. You weren't world famous, but you left a positive impact on this world in the time you were here. There are people, myself included, who have been helped by your words that have survived in the sermons and emails that you wrote - so you've continued to help people even though you're not still physically on this earth. Your time here was well spent even though it wasn't nearly enough.
So many memories have flashed through my mind lately. They come as little "movies" of specific events or as images like they're photos captured in my mind.
I'm tempted to feel so sad and sorry that you didn't get all the time on this earth that you wanted. The times you'd say you would live to be over 100, I never doubted it, so much so that I just took it for granted that you would. Heck, I figured you'd probably outlive me. And it's easy to grieve not only that you didn't get more years here, but that we all lost out on experiences we could have had with you, communication we would have been in....of just having you still here. You are so dearly missed.
One thing that happens when I see photos of you though, and I'm grateful for this, is that I see the twinkle in your eye. I see it more clearly in my mind's eye, in my memory, than any photo can ever show, but it does show up in photos. And I remember the times I've felt your presence since you've passed and I know that you want us to remember you with joy and knowing that, somehow beyond understanding, but knowing that makes me feel actual joy to remember you in spite of the sadness of your passing. And even though I'm writing this through tears, they are mostly tears of joy because I was lucky enough to have you for my Dad and even though we lost you way too soon, the fact that we had you at all is cause for joy and celebration and so on this day, your 79th birthday, I celebrate you with love and joy. Happy birthday Dad! 'til we meet again. I love you.
Krissa
November 28, 2024
Thinking of you today Dad and I can see your sparkling eyes full of happiness especially on holidays like Thanksgiving. You are dearly missed and always loved.
How you can show support
Krissa
November 11, 2024
I remember how every year I'd send you a Happy Veterans Day message and we'd write about your time in the Army. I'm very proud of you Dad.
Remembering you and all who served. Happy Veterans Day.
Krissa
June 16, 2024
Happy Father's Day in Heaven, Dad. You are in my heart and in my thoughts every day and today especially. I am so very proud to be your daughter. Until we meet again. I love you Dad.
Krissa
May 26, 2024
In honor of you and all who have served. We're thinking of you today on this Memorial Day. J. and I had just been writing recently about reading the letters of recommendation for early promotion you had from your C.O.. I still have the photo on my phone of the one where you were described as "head and shoulders above the rest". I'm so proud of you Dad. I love you.
Krissa
May 15, 2024
One of the things you and I wrote about off and on as I got older was the way that our perception of the passing of time changes with age. Never would I have been able to comprehend what 5 years seems like in this particular instance of passing time.
As I sit here this May 15 morning, 2024 - again wearing one of your old Army shirts, again writing a tribute message to you instead of emailing and messaging with you about how you're getting ready for the upcoming Biking Across Kansas, which I have no doubt you would have participated in this year....the 50th BAK...you definitely would have been there.
As I sit here this morning, it seems less real that you're gone. And more real that you're gone. It seems like these last 5 years took way more than 5 years time to pass. And for the first time in a long time, when it comes to the perception of time since you've passed, it doesn't seem like just yesterday. I can remember it just like it was yesterday in a way as if I'm watching from above the way those days passed 5 years ago. But feeling like it was just yesterday, it doesn't feel like it at all. It feels like a long, long, long time ago. Much longer than 5 years.
As difficult as today is, I'm very grateful that I can still hear your voice in my mind. We have some recordings which of course are priceless treasures, but hearing you in my mind - exactly what your voice sounded like and being able to hear you say my name.....it means more to me than I can find words for. Whether "Kris" or "Krissa" I can actually remember exactly what your voice saying my name sounds like. And it brings me so much comfort.
I can see your smile in my mind as clearly as in any photo. You were a thoughtful and serious man, but you smiled so much. This morning, as my memories have come more in flashing images, like the scenes in movies where someone's life flashes before their eyes, my memories of you are coming in flashes and I can see you smiling. Thousands and thousands of smiles. And it makes my heart less heavy.
I don't remember exactly when I took the photo, but I took a photo of the last sentence you ever wrote to me that I carry around on my phone. On May 14, 2019 you wrote, "It looks like it's going to be a beautiful day today!" That sentence already meant so much to me, but with every passing year, it means more because that short sentence is so powerful. And I am very lucky that the last words you "said" to me on this earth were so upbeat and happy. You deserved a lot more years, a lot more. But I will do my best today and every day to focus not on what I, what we've all lost, but on what I had and still have. A Dad who loves me and a Dad I am very, very proud of. I miss you Dad. 'til we meet again. I love you.
Krissa
January 7, 2024
January 8, 2024. Today is your 78th birthday and as I sit here in Germany remembering you, it's still January 7 in the place you were born.
Today as we each go about our daily lives, remembering you and missing you and wishing you were here, we all find comfort in our memories of you.
Today while I remember you, I will be going to a rally to protect some woods that are very close to where we live. I know you would have loved them too and taken many wonderful photos there. And I know you will be with me in spirit today, and with each of us who are holding you in our hearts.
You are dearly loved and always missed Dad. And I am very proud to be your daughter.
Krissa
January 1, 2024
I don't know how many months ago it was, but C. made a video for the guys and me from her and J.'s wedding of when you read 1 Corinthians 13. Every morning since I got that from her, I've played it and this morning as a new year starts, I realized that means that every day for some time now, although it's a recording, your voice has been heard on this earth, your physical voice. Your voice is always heard in our hearts, not the sound of when you spoke, but you....who you are, your voice. But it makes me feel good that your actual physical voice is heard for a while here on this earth every day.
And as we begin another year that you are gone on ahead, I am very thankful that I have this video clip. In the context of time, it's small, but in my heart and in the bigger picture of life, it is monumental.
I love you Dad. I'm so very proud to be your daughter.
Krissa
November 6, 2023
A couple days ago it hit me out of the blue like a ton of bricks missing you Dad. It felt like getting hit in the stomach. And I know you knew because then, also out of the blue and for no reason, I thought about the show The Wonder Years. I remembered us as a family watching it and that you liked it. I remembered the music on that show made me think of you even before you passed. So I decide to watch it online and there it was. Season 1, episode 2. It's only a brief couple of seconds on the screen, but when the characters from the show go into a bookstore....it was Dutton's. I don't think that book store is ever mentioned again in the series, but maybe it is. All I know is that when I needed something, some kind of comfort so much - and had found it just watching the show since it was an old memory of you - there it was again. Another sign from you. Thanks Dad. I miss you and I love you so much. I'm very proud to be your daughter.
Krissa
June 18, 2023
This has been my desktop image for the past year. Even though I can't remember that moment, I know looking at it and from the feeling in my heart what we both felt. And I thank you for giving me the feeling of complete safety, and peace and so much love.
Happy Father's Day Dad. I am so proud to be your daughter! I love you.
Krissa
May 15, 2023
May 15, 2023
The last weeks leading up to today were different in a way I can't quite describe. I know I was thinking about how four years ago on this day, what is sometimes called the "new normal" unexpectedly and harshly started for our family. And that it really hasn't become normal and sometimes it doesn't even feel new. This year, it felt like the time that has passed since May 15, 2019 is a lot longer than 4 years, but in these days leading up to today, the feelings of 'that' May 15 seemed more fresh at the same time.
Yesterday I was thinking a lot about what would I write today. In the past, what I do is just sit down and write. I don't plan it out or write drafts. And while I was thinking yesterday, one of the things I was thinking about is my dreams that you are in lately. Thinking about how there have been times that for the first few seconds when I wake up, I don't know that you've passed. The dreams are so real that I wake up and it's like you're still here on earth. Those are the dreams that I never remember any of the details. And somehow, those seconds when I wake up and you're still alive on this earth make up for not being able to remember anything from the dream.
I was thinking about a lot of different things and of course it was also Mother's Day. I can't say yesterday was bad, but 'it' was there. The realization that 4 years ago on May 14, none of us including you knew what the next day would bring.
One of the nicest and most amazing things about the times I've felt your presence and the times that I receive signs from and about you is that they are out of the blue and unexpected. Unexpected gifts that bring peace and joy.
This morning before I sat down to read my Bible, I put on one of your old Army shirts and I really thought about it. I thought very much about how you had put this exact shirt on who knows how many times. I pictured you putting it on, wearing it...I pictured you back in those days when I was just a baby, you were in the Army....I thought about how much you loved your time in the Army and then as I reached the kitchen table, the last thing I thought before I sat down to read was the letter from your C.O. that J. scanned and we read earlier this year, the letter that recommended you for early promotion and the exact words he wrote that you "stood head and shoulders above your counterparts". Those words have been with me many times since I read them. And those were the exact last words I thought before I sat down to read, that your C.O. had written that you were head and shoulders above the rest.
It's almost 2 years now since I decided to read the New Testament from beginning to end. I hadn't intended when I started doing that to go on and read the entire Old Testament beginning to end, but of course sometime probably before I even finished the Gospels, I decided when I finished, instead of stopping reading in the morning, I would then read the OT every morning, beginning to end.
This morning it was entirely a coincidence I began the Book of Daniel. I really wish there are words to describe what it feels like when a sign comes over me. If there were, I'd be able to say what it felt like when only minutes after I'd thought about your C.O. writing that you stood head and shoulders above the rest, I read that exact same phrase in Daniel 1:20, that the king found Daniel, Hananiah, Mishael and Azariah "head and shoulders above the rest". It was probably less than 2 minutes in between the time I thought about those words being used to describe you and then read them again in my reading today. And then there's the fact that this is the Bible you and Mom gave me for Christmas in 2013 and that it's the Common English Bible and that you wrote inside that it's the version you were using now and how much you loved it. If my Bible were a different version, those words may be different. But there they are, exactly the same.
Others might think it's all a coincidence. And if the feelings that came with it weren't what they are, I'd say it could be a coincidence, too. But I know that it isn't and I am again so thankful that at a time that I could easily be overcome with sadness, I've been comforted. I'm still sad that you're not here, we all are. But I know for absolute certain that you are with us in spirit and that we WILL see each other again in Heaven someday.
So while May 15 is never going to be the happiest of days, it's also a day to remember you and to feel the sadness that you've gone on ahead of us and gone on too soon, but you're with us in spirit and remembering you brings peace, comfort and even joy. We miss you Dad. And we love you and are proud of you more than words can say. You are remembered with love this May 15 and every day.
Krissa
April 26, 2023
On this day, April 26, in 2019 you started planting your vegetable garden. You finished planting it the next day. You planted beans, tomatoes, cucumbers, zucchini, peppers and swiss chard.
Sometimes it is so overwhelming to realize that you didn't even have three whole weeks more in this life when you planted that garden.
It's also overwhelming sometimes to know that you didn't even get to live a full year in that house that you were so happy in.
Even though it's overwhelming sometimes, it never overshadows how proud I am of you and how much I appreciate you and how lucky and glad I am to be your daughter. You are so dearly missed here on this earth, but I know you are with me in spirit because of the times I've felt your presence. And I know you're not gone and that we'll see each other again someday. But boy do I wish you would have been able to enjoy the produce from your garden and have had many happy years in that house.
I love you Dad.
Krissa
February 15, 2023
A couple weeks ago I was looking at photos and saw this one and remembered to keep it to publish it on your Legacy page today. This photo was taken exactly 53 years ago today in Germany. You, Mom and me. I love you Dad.
Krissa
January 8, 2023
Remembering you on your 77th birthday Dad. I am very proud to be your daughter. You are loved and missed so much.
Krissa
December 24, 2022
Another Christmas Eve is here that you're not here with us. Memories and love are the way you are part of our Christmases now.
One memory that I've had in the years since you passed - and it comes at other times during the year, not even just at Christmas - is the year we lived in Topeka and I was in either 3rd or 4th grade and I figured out about Santa Claus.
There was some Christmas special, not a famous one and I think it only ran that year, but in it there was an adult female character who said about Santa "I thought" and made knowing face. And I don't remember if I said anything to Mom right away, but I knew because of that scene. And it would have been maybe a couple weeks before Christmas that happened. You were out of town for work and you felt so bad when you found out that I'd figured it out, you wrote me that long letter.
I didn't ever throw it away, but it got lost in one of our/my many moves so I'm sad I don't have it, but I remember it.
That was the same year that somehow you and/or Mom found a stuffed animal donkey for me because I wanted one so badly after seeing Nestor the Long-eared Donkey. I have no idea how you guys found him because stuffed animal donkeys are rare.
Every Christmas Eve though, I always remember that you read to the boys and me every year " 'Twas the Night Before Christmas". I can still see you in my mind. I can still hear your voice when you read it.
Even as a kid, I could tell how happy you were when you read it to us. As an adult, I realize that even more. And I wish one of the years when I was home for Christmas as an adult I would have thought to say "hey Dad, why don't you read 'Twas the Night Before Christmas" to us."
Even though you're not here on Earth with us this Christmas Eve, you are here in our hearts and thoughts and you are so dearly missed.
I love you Dad.
Krissa
November 7, 2022
For several months now, I've had this photo out on display in a photo frame/clip. Then recently I was reading emails and we'd written about your new truck back in 2013. You were so happy to get this truck! It sure was a nice one.
You are dearly loved and missed Dad, by all of us.
Krissa
June 19, 2022
Remembering you this Fathers Day with so much love Dad. ... Uncle Pete sent this photo to us recently. I hadn't seen it before. It's from when he and Aunt R. visited you guys in 2011. I really love this photo! I know how happy you were when it was taken. I miss you Dad. I love you.
Krissa
May 15, 2022
As this May 15 has been approaching, it's been different than the ones before it. It's not that it's a happy day, but it's been less scary to know it was looming on the calendar...in the air. Less awful feeling knowing it was coming and as I sit here this morning in Berlin typing this, again wearing one of your old Army shirts, it's been easier getting up than it had been before. I think because I've felt your presence so recently and know for sure you are ok and still with us in spirit, it's helping. The sadness at your being gone from this earth and the things you didn't get to do, the years you lost, that we lost the chance to see each other in person here again...that is the sadness that will always be, and every so often it still hits like a ton of bricks. But thankfully, every time that happens, even if I don't feel your presence next to me at that moment, I feel comforted. That is such a blessing and a gift I value more than any words could ever say.
When I first woke up this morning, I thought of how 3 years ago today you woke up, we all woke up, having no idea it was your last day on earth. Thanks to Mom being able to tell us, we know what your last day was like, the things you did. I still find myself wondering what your thoughts and feelings were that day, but again, that wondering is less painful than it used to be. Even though I've never heard you speak words to me when your presence has been with me, it has spoken in a way that I will never be able to describe, but it's louder than words and lets me know what I need to know to be ok. Thank you for that. It is another gift I cherish.
Actually, this year, May 16 has sort of loomed in my mind in a worse way because as I woke up here three years ago that day to texts that didn't sound good....and then what I already knew and feared was confirmed...that feeling, I remember it, but can't feel it exactly this year as if it was happening all over again. But I still have a strange feeling about May 16 - tomorrow. And I know that it too, will be ok though.
I don't know if it was May 17, that would have been the first day it could possibly be, but C. had started working on that amazing slide show presentation for your visitation and for before your memorial service that she made and I started looking through the thousands of photos I have so I could send some to her. Until then, I'd looked through some photos, but had been carrying that one of you that I have framed now with me constantly in my hands, slept with it next to me.... But as I was looking through photos, I ran across one that shook me. It's another feeling that I remember I had, but can't *feel* the feeling anymore. I could try to write what it was, but there just aren't words. Needless to say, it wasn't a good feeling. I hadn't seen the photo since you and Mom had sent them. I was shocked and I remember not feeling like getting rid of it or anything like that, but I didn't think I'd ever ever want to see it again.
I've seen this photo a couple more times over the years and decided to use it today for this entry. I remember when you guys sent the photos of the stone and this one of you next to your final resting place and Mom with hers, too. Never in a million years would I have guessed you'd be there as soon as you were. And I know you sure wouldn't have guessed it. None of us would have.
Yesterday, as the memories, feelings and thoughts were coming and going...all of them...and I remembered this photo...it somehow felt like this photo is the right one to share with this entry. As odd as it seemed when that thought first came to me, it's definitely the right one.
You are dearly loved, missed on this earth and I can write these words knowing in my heart that it's true...'til we meet again. I love you Dad.
Krissa
May 14, 2022
"It looks like it's going to be a beautiful day today!" That sentence means so much to me. It seems like it means more and more as time passes. The last sentence you ever wrote to me on May 14, 2019.
To realize that you felt that way even with a kidney stone that, now that I've read about them, was causing way more pain than you ever let on and with the uncertainty about what you'd find out at the cardiologist appointment 'tomorrow'....it is a great reminder of your strength and determination.
I was trying to find the photo of you in the yellow shirt from going to BAK 2016 for this entry, but I must have named it something weird because I'm not finding it right now. So here's what I think is your Senior Year photo. E. is about to graduate in less than 2 weeks so this is a good choice anyway.
Three years ago today, I am so thankful for the beautiful day you had! I love you dad.
Krissa
April 28, 2022
Feeling your presence next to me this morning is the greatest gift I will have today as I turn 53. Thank you.
I am so thankful that you are my Dad and I feel a peace different than anything I can describe to know that you are still celebrating my birthday.
I love you Dad. And I am so proud to be your daughter.
Krissa
February 24, 2022
The photo didn't attach before...here it is.
Krissa
February 22, 2022
I was looking through photos on the computer and saw this one and wanted to share it. This is you and me in Hohenecken in 1970. ... I love you Dad.
Krissa
January 29, 2022
55 years ago today you and Mom got married. I remember when J. and I had this photo framed as an anniversary gift for you guys. ... You are deeply missed. ... I love you Dad.
Krissa
January 8, 2022
76. You were born 76 years ago today. This past year seems like it was a lot longer than other years, any other years, not just the few years since you've been gone from the physical world.
I wonder if you'd have had an iphone now and we'd been able to text instead of email for your birthday.
I wonder how many miles a week you'd be logging on your bike by now. I wonder what sermons you would have written these past couple years especially. Everyone who would have heard them has missed out on so much. I wonder what our emails would be like now....with your kidney stones long gone and having had a pacemaker these last few years, the things you'd been able to do that we'd write about...and writing about being thankful that you'd gotten past that time. "I wonder" is a thought that I've had about so many things since you passed...that I know we've all had. It's not just a thought though, it's a state of being, almost. "I wonder".
What I don't wonder is, did you love me? I didn't really realize until I was already pretty old that there really are people in the world who do wonder if their dad loves/loved them. I thank you that I will never have to wonder that.
What I don't wonder is on what side you'd stand now with all the problems and chaos that has happened in the years since you've passed. I am so proud of you and am sorry for the world at your loss, not only sorry for our family. You may not have reached millions around the world, but you would have reached so many with words that need to be said, inspired feelings that need to be felt and ideas that need to be thought.
What I don't wonder is, were you ready to go. Because I know you weren't, but I thank you more than words can say for letting me know that you are ok and at peace. It reminds me of when we wrote back and forth and I asked if you'd seen the movie Contact (of course you knew it because it was Carl Sagan's book before being a movie, but I didn't know that) and I mentioned the scene where Jodie Foster's character says to Matthew McConnaughy's character to prove that God exists. And of course you can't prove that in a scientific way of proof. And then he asks her if she loved her father (who had died when she was a child) and she says, "yes, very much". And he says "prove it". I can't prove that you've let me know you are at peace and ok, but you did and I know it and I am so thankful. It is a gift that I appreciate every day.
What I don't wonder is do you know how much you are loved and remembered. And I know you can see us all today as we remember you, do little things to honor you, cry some, smile some and thank God for you.
76 years ago today. What a wonderful day! Happy Birthday Dad. I love you very much.
Krissa
January 8, 2022
76 years ago today you were born. You are dearly loved and greatly missed every single day. I love you Dad.
Krissa
October 29, 2021
I have a memory that has come to me often enough in the past week that it has led me to want to share it here. I've thought of it sometimes since you passed, but I know it's meant to be shared now because it comes to me so often.
When I was younger and you used to sing SO LOUD at church, from the pews no less, not even in the choir...I had that typical feeling of being so embarrassed by my Dad that kids feel at certain ages.
I know you know this, but so many times this past week I have hoped so much that somewhere out there, there are people who from time to time say, "remember that guy at church who used to sing so loud?".
I truly know now why you sang so loudly. And I am so very proud of you! I love you Dad.
Krissa
October 28, 2021
I was looking through some old photos just now and this is one that you sent me back in October of 2012. It was taken on the day you and Mom were leaving NM to go back home. It's such a cheerful photo. And I know how happy you were when you took it. It makes me smile remembering the happy things, even the ones I wasn't there in person for.
I love you Dad!
Krissa
August 22, 2021
Recently, Mom mailed me a spare key to Volksie, our red VW bug we had all those years. I have the paperwork from when you and she shipped her over to the US from Germany.
Here's you, me and Volksie in Hohenecken 52 years ago.
I love you always, Dad and I'm so very proud to be your daughter.
Krissa
June 20, 2021
It's Father's Day 2021, the 2nd Father's Day you've been in Heaven. I miss you terribly and am so thankful for all the photos I have and the emails you wrote me and the copies of your sermons. I wish I had videos. In this day and age, you'd think I'd have more, but there aren't really many of me either. Come to think of it, there's only a few of me and they're short. But the point of that is that I am so very thankful that I can still hear your voice in my head. I hear it in my heart of course, but I'm very grateful that I haven't forgotten the sound of your voice.
The last time I saw your harmonica was in Carmel, I think. I remember even though you didn't play it anymore, you kept it. It was in the case on you and Mom's dresser and when I'd watch tv in your room, I'd see it there. I even took it out and looked at it a couple times. I remember us kids "playing" it, especially in Birmingham.
I'm not sure if you'd already written the poem you wrote for me at the time this photo was taken. That poem you wrote for me when I was a baby is the only poem anyone ever wrote for me. It's very special to me, and would be even if there were others.
Happy Father's Day, Dad. I am so proud of you and I love you very much.
Krissa
May 15, 2021
The second May 15. A date that's now something more than just a day on the calendar. Not in the way a holiday or birthday or a special anniversary date is. It's strange how those dates aren't part of a person's daily thoughts. It's not that I'm fixated on it or dwell on it, but it's there. And here it is actually here again today.
For the longest time after that first May 15 happened, it was Wednesdays I "hated". Wednesday was harder than May 15th or any other 15th. That has slowly faded away. But May 15th itself never does.
I've been reading old emails, remembering old memories and looking at photos more this past month. It's something I do, I'm sure we all do, throughout the year, but lately I'm doing it more. I'm so thankful for all the memories, photos, email. J., C. and I read one of your sermons every week and I can still hear your voice when I read them. Your actual voice and your writing voice....your wisdom.
Even in the sadness of losing you from this earth, there is still the happiness that you were here. The happiness and pride that you're my Dad. The happiness I see on your face in that image I've had of you since sometime on May 16, 2019....you're on your bicycle on the open KS highway on a sunny day with some fluffy white clouds in the sky...riding free. And in that image there is pure happiness on your face. And i hold on to that image as much as any I have from when you were alive. And the last sentence you ever wrote to me on May 14, 2019, "It looks like it's going to be a beautiful day today!". I'm not only thankful for me that you wrote that to me, but I'm very thankful for you that you were feeling that way. I'm thankful for that more than words can say.
This photo is one that Uncle P. sent to all of us. You were such a cute kid and us kids and even some of the grandkids look so much like you. That's another thing I've appreciated more since that May 15....when I look in the mirror at my own eyes, I can see yours. I love you, Dad. You're always with us. You're never really "gone".
Krissa
May 14, 2021
One memory I've thought of many times these past two years is something I wonder now if you remembered over the years, too. I never thought to ask you even though I did think of it a couple times through the years. Strange that it comes to mind so many times the past couple years, but then so have many memories.
When we lived in Pine Bluff, there was a trip we were taking to Salina and we stopped in Russellville, I think it was a bathroom stop, but it was all us kids and you and Mom. You and I were standing by the car by ourselves, impatient to get going and of course being a car trip we'd already had the 'fun' of being/taking kids on a long trip in a car. And as we stood there, I remember saying "have you ever seen the movie "Family Vacation" and how much we laughed. And I remember that feeling of that moment. I wasn't saying it to be funny even though the movie is hilarious, but as soon as the words came out, it ended up being funny. We still stood there waiting for a couple minutes, both of us ready to get back on the road. But we were lighter for those couple minutes, not so impatient to get going.
I didn't think of our private joke moment from that day while you and I were writing any of our written conversations over the years, but I can picture it in my mind and even though it was a tiny fraction, such a tiny fraction of our lives, I still remember it clearly and I remember your laugh. One of too many memories to count and I'm very thankful for the happy, fun memories.
I miss you, Dad. I love you.
Krissa
April 4, 2021
Dad and me, my first Easter, Germany. ... Happy Easter, Dad. I love you and miss you always.
Krissa
April 4, 2021
Krissa
March 30, 2021
I was just now looking through old photos you sent me over the years. This is one from the 2015 Pow Wow out at Lake Shawnee. I wish we would have been able to go to the Gathering of Nations out in NM like we both wanted to, but I'm very glad that we were able to go to the pow wows that we went to together in KS.
I miss you, Dad. I love you very much
Krissa
February 19, 2021
I've been so thankful that I saved our emails throughout the years. It's comforting to be able to just randomly pick something like this and know what you were doing on an exact day. You sent me some photos on Nov. 11, 2014 that you took when you and Mom went to Lake Shawnee on Nov. 10, 2014. I know how at peace and happy you were at the time you were taking the photos of the lake and the trees and the sky and Mom feeding ducks.
I miss you, Dad. I love you.
Krissa
January 8, 2021
Krissa
January 8, 2021
It doesn't seem real to me that on your 75th birthday I'm writing in memory of you. It's not just the "I thought you'd live forever" - a feeling that people have so often without realizing it fully until someone passes who, it turns out, you really did think would live forever. I never would have believed that you wouldn't be physically alive and here with us today. And I want to say happy birthday to you anyway because I know your spirit is still with us and as much as it hurts to not have you here to be able to touch and hear your voice, this is still a joyous day because it's the day you were born. The day my Dad was born. 75 years ago. It's funny that, no matter how old you would have gotten, you always seemed young to me, as if time stood still decades ago. Appearances change, but you never seemed to get old and when we wrote about aging, you didn't feel old at all. I have so many wonderful memories of how active you were and how many things you were looking forward to. 73 isn't old, but you were young beyond your years. Happy birthday, Dad. I love you very much! And I'm so proud that you're my Dad.
This is a photo of you on one of your birthdays over here in Germany when you were in the Army. There's Hombre, you guys' cat who's trying to get the balloon. And as I type this sitting here in Berlin, I'm wearing one of your old Army shirts.
Krissa
December 24, 2020
Of all our family Christmas traditions, my very favorite Christmas Eve tradition was when you read 'Twas the Night Before Christmas to us. I can still hear your voice. I miss you, Dad. I love you.
Krissa
November 26, 2020
Remembering you today, Dad. Happy Thanksgiving! We got to Zoom today and I had your picture there with us. You were there in spirit and in our hearts and minds. I love and miss you very much.
Krissa
November 26, 2020
Happy Thanksgiving, Dad! I'm going to have a photo of you with me when the family Zooms today. I/we wish you were here physically, but you're here in spirit and in our hearts and minds. We love and miss you so much!
Krissa
November 11, 2020
Happy Veterans Day, Dad! ... It was nice to share with you your memories of serving over here. I've got one of your old Army shirts on right now as I type this. ... I'm proud of you! I love and miss you very much. More than words can say.
Krissa
November 11, 2020
Krissa
October 30, 2020
You took this photo in October 2014. It was one of many you sent from a walk you and Mom took around the lake in Lawrence one Sunday. Fall was your favorite time of year to take photos because of all the colors. But you took so many great photos all year round! ... I love you, Dad.
Krissa
October 17, 2020
Just thinking about when you managed Whelan's and I'd come visit you there or come in for something. I remember when the people who lived underneath me complained that the bird seed from my bird feeder was falling on their balcony. You cut out that huge board that covered the whole floor of my balcony so nothing would fall through the cracks.
You are remembered and loved every day and you always will be. I miss you and love you so much, Dad.
Krissa
September 20, 2020
Dad, you sent me this photo on May 28, 2014 with the message,
"Krissa,
I love this picture of Pikes Peak I took from the Garden of the Gods. I
wanted you to see it.
Love, Dad"
I'm thinking of you now and looking at this and I miss you so much, but I know you are part of all this now in a way you weren't before and I will hold on to that and see you again someday. I love you, Dad.
Krissa
July 25, 2020
Krissa
July 25, 2020
For my Dad. .. I'm sorry that the family reunion that you and Uncle Pete planned when you last met didn't happen this year. ... We love and miss you. You are remembered well. ...
Krissa
June 21, 2020
For my Dad on Father's Day 2020. I miss you, Dad. I love you very much.
Krissa Dutton-Schandelmaier
May 15, 2020
I love you, Dad. You live on in so many hearts and you always will.
Krissa Dutton-Schandelmaier
May 14, 2020
I'm writing this on the 14th of May...one day before the anniversary of when you passed. It's still so unbelievable. A year ago, I couldn't imagine how the world was going to go on without you in it. Right now at this moment, it feels like yesterday and several years ago at the same time since you've been gone. I really don't like that word and don't like to use it. I can't write the "d" word though. I guess my feelings about the word "gone" are really my feelings about the other word. Today hasn't been the easiest because I keep thinking at different times that a year ago 'right now' you only had however many hours left. And as hard as that is, then I always remember some special memory or even just a regular memory and it makes things "ok" because those moments in time with you existed, they happened, and I wouldn't trade them. And there is comfort in them in the middle of the sadness and grief.
I feel that you know somehow that you live on in our minds and hearts. There's not a day goes by and there never will be one go by that I don't think of you and love you still. The times that I've felt your presence have been very comforting. Thanks for watching over me and the rest of our family. You are dearly missed and loved.
Reading our old emails and your sermons has been a big comfort as well. You also live on in the written words you left behind. There aren't enough words to say how much I miss you or how proud I am that you're my Dad or how much I love you. I'll be doing a lot of little things tomorrow in your honor....I know you'll be with me in spirit. I love you, Dad.
Krissa
April 12, 2020
Happy Easter, Dad. I love you.
Krissa Dutton-Schandelmaier
December 25, 2019
Merry Christmas, Dad! I love you1
Krissa Dutton-Schandelmaier
September 10, 2019
This was a really good day! The day we went to Parsons so you could show me the church. It's a wonderful memory! I love you, Dad.
Josh Dutton
August 10, 2019
miss you Dad
Krissa Dutton-Schandelmaier
June 26, 2019
Thanks for everything you did for me here on this earth, Dad. And thanks for watching over me now. I miss you. I love you.
70 years old and Biking Across Kansas
Krissa Dutton-Schandelmaier
May 29, 2019
Dad and Krissa, Germany 1969
Krissa Dutton-Schandelmaier
May 29, 2019
Peter Dutton
May 27, 2019
We were so lucky to have shared such a joyous childhood. I relive those times in my mind over and over...such good memories.
I will miss you terribly, but you will live in my heart and mind forever. I am so lucky and proud that you are my brother.
Krissa Dutton-Schandelmaier
May 27, 2019
All of the memories from the first 30 years of my life that I have of you Dad are stored in my heart and mind and in photos. We both would have loved to have more time actually together, but Im so glad that I have about 20 years of emails between us because I can and do go back and read them and re-live our written conversations. I can see in print the closeness we had developed from them.
The memories stored in my heart play in my mind like little videos. I can still see how fast you ran when you chased down my kite that got away from me when we lived in Birmingham. Id never seen anyone run so fast. Still havent, at least not in person.
I see you playing softball, and then when I started playing softball, it was your old glove that I used. It was so huge and I was so skinny, but I was really excellent at fielding with it anyway and I was always proud to use it because it was yours. I inherited all my athletic ability from you (sorry Mom).
I remember when you were an avid runner. I can still picture sitting at your desk downstairs in Norfolk and seeing your book by Jim Fixx. Thats the desk I sat at when I made the stuffed frog for you. The one that I made a little red shirt for and wrote Frogger Jogger on it. Of all the races you ran, I remember the mini-marathon in Indianapolis the most.
I wasnt there during your most intense cycling days, but I have the photo of you right before you did the Bike Across Kansas and I see that photo every day. We wrote back and forth a lot about that. It was your 70th birthday present to yourself. You were so excited and proud to participate in that and I am so proud of you. I remember all those physical activities that you loved so much.
Of course, I also remember you sitting quietly reading. How you loved to read. And I remember you loving to listen to your Victory at Sea and other albums. Although as we all got older, we didnt listen to albums as much. But you and Mom had hundreds of them.
Other special memories are going to Topeka Scarecrows games and to Pow Wows at Lake Shawnee. I still have the autographed Sergei Olympiev sweater and his practice jersey that you and Mom gave me, theyre both here with me in Germany. And I still have the jewelry from the Pow Wows, even the Pow Wows I didnt get to go to.
As you know, Ive always pictured you giving your sermons every Sunday. Im so grateful that you emailed them to me every week. And Im so glad that I got to see you conduct services at Countryside. Because of that, I really can picture you giving each and every sermon of yours Ive read. I know it was one of both our special memories that we got to go see the Church in Parsons together before I moved to Brooklyn. I was so happy to do that with you! And for some reason I always remember us going to Subway after visiting the church. It means a lot to me that I have the emails you sent about how happy you and Mom were to come to Rossville UMC. I will always be thankful that although your time here wasnt very long, it was a beautiful experience. That means so much to all of us to know.
I was too young to have actual memories other than from photos of when you and Mom and I were over here in Germany. But Im so glad we had a chance to write about that sometimes, too. Your happy memories of being here and how it was interesting to us both that your old Army clothes I have made it back over here all those years later. You know Ive worn those shirts from time to time over the years, but Ive worn them almost constantly these last days.
Im so glad wed been writing even more frequently lately. Reading your emails that are so optimistic and the things you were looking forward to doing is bittersweet but a comfort. I will remember forever that you planted your vegetable garden two days before my birthday. Reading how much we both were looking forward to you getting back on the bike. I am so glad to know that in spite of all you were dealing with, you were still looking forward to better days. Im happy and relieved that I have years of emails about little things like how we both love the song Pancho and Lefty or whatever was going on in our day to day lives that I can read again any time I want, like looking at photos. Or read again about how you loved to go clam digging and camping as a kid growing up on Long Island. Of all those years of emails, probably the most special thing now is the last sentence you ever wrote to me. On Tuesday, May 14 the last sentence you wrote to me is It looks like its going to be a beautiful day today! Exclamation point. That sentence is so precious to me. But I know that of all those things you loved to do, you loved all of us so much. That is something I will treasure all my life, we will all treasure all our lives. The lifetime of memories of the things we got to do together as a family will live on and you will always be with us that way.
Theres so many memories, probably a million. I dont have a one favorite memory though. I would have thought that were supposed to have one memory thats more special than all the rest. But I dont have one alone. I just have the one big memory of you as the person you were over all the years and Im so very, very proud that youre my Dad. I love you Dad. I miss you.
Krissa Dutton-Schandelmaier
May 27, 2019
All of the memories from the first 30 years of my life that I have of you Dad are stored in my heart and mind and in photos. We both would have loved to have more time actually together, but I'm so glad that I have about 20 years of emails between us because I can and do go back and read them and re-live our written conversations. I can see in print the closeness we had developed from them.
The memories stored in my heart play in my mind like little videos. I can still see how fast you ran when you chased down my kite that got away from me when we lived in Birmingham. I'd never seen anyone run so fast. Still haven't, at least not in person.
I see you playing softball, and then when I started playing softball, it was your old glove that I used. It was so huge and I was so skinny, but I was really excellent at fielding with it anyway and I was always proud to use it because it was yours. I inherited all my athletic ability from you (sorry Mom).
I remember when you were an avid runner. I can still picture sitting at your desk downstairs in Norfolk and seeing your book by Jim Fixx. That's the desk I sat at when I made the stuffed frog for you. The one that I made a little red shirt for and wrote Frogger Jogger on it. Of all the races you ran, I remember the mini-marathon in Indianapolis the most.
I wasn't there during your most intense cycling days, but I have the photo of you right before you did the Bike Across Kansas and I see that photo every day. We wrote back and forth a lot about that. It was your 70th birthday present to yourself. You were so excited and proud to participate in that and I am so proud of you. I remember all those physical activities that you loved so much.
Of course, I also remember you sitting quietly reading. How you loved to read. And I remember you loving to listen to your Victory at Sea and other albums. Although as we all got older, we didn't listen to albums as much. But you and Mom had hundreds of them.
Other special memories are going to Topeka Scarecrows games and to Pow Wows at Lake Shawnee. I still have the autographed Sergei Olympiev sweater and his practice jersey that you and Mom gave me, they're both here with me in Germany. And I still have the jewelry from the Pow Wows, even the Pow Wows I didn't get to go to.
As you know, I've always pictured you giving your sermons every Sunday. I'm so grateful that you emailed them to me every week. And I'm so glad that I got to see you conduct services at Countryside. Because of that, I really can picture you giving each and every sermon of yours I've read. I know it was one of both our special memories that we got to go see the Church in Parsons together before I moved to Brooklyn. I was so happy to do that with you! And for some reason I always remember us going to Subway after visiting the church. It means a lot to me that I have the emails you sent about how happy you and Mom were to come to Rossville UMC. I will always be thankful that although your time here wasn't very long, it was a beautiful experience. That means so much to all of us to know.
I was too young to have actual memories other than from photos of when you and Mom and I were over here in Germany. But I'm so glad we had a chance to write about that sometimes, too. Your happy memories of being here and how it was interesting to us both that your old Army clothes I have made it back over here all those years later. You know I've worn those shirts from time to time over the years, but I've worn them almost constantly these last days.
I'm so glad we'd been writing even more frequently lately. Reading your emails that are so optimistic and the things you were looking forward to doing is bittersweet but a comfort. I will remember forever that you planted your vegetable garden two days before my birthday. Reading how much we both were looking forward to you getting back on the bike. I am so glad to know that in spite of all you were dealing with, you were still looking forward to better days. I'm happy and relieved that I have years of emails about little things like how we both love the song Pancho and Lefty or whatever was going on in our day to day lives that I can read again any time I want, like looking at photos. Or read again about how you loved to go clam digging and camping as a kid growing up on Long Island. Of all those years of emails, probably the most special thing now is the last sentence you ever wrote to me. On Tuesday, May 14 the last sentence you wrote to me is It looks like it's going to be a beautiful day today! Exclamation point. That sentence is so precious to me. But I know that of all those things you loved to do, you loved all of us so much. That is something I will treasure all my life, we will all treasure all our lives. The lifetime of memories of the things we got to do together as a family will live on and you will always be with us that way.
There's so many memories, probably a million. I don't have a one favorite memory though. I would have thought that we're supposed to have one memory that's more special than all the rest. But I don't have one alone. I just have the one big memory of you as the person you were over all the years and I'm so very, very proud that you're my Dad. I love you Dad. I miss you.
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