Jennifer Anne Clark

JENNIFER ANNE CLARK

3/17/64 â€" 7/24/03

To deny change is to deny life, for life pushes & pulls, grows & weakens, gives chances, makes demands. Most changes are unremarkable, manageable, so there is no denial, just flow. On our separate winds, we, too, were without denial, content in our moments to be looking here & not too far over there. But breezes be fickle & know when a shift is deserved. Thus, they deserved us right into ourselves, wide-eye to wide-eye, a gravity so severe & delightful how we could look away. So, who are you? What do you think & what do you know? And me…what do you see, what do you wonder? In the fevered days to come, we will chance, demand, admire, adore, question & tolerate. But in all of this 'you & me', there is also new life - us. Who are we with hands held, desires out loud, sleepy breathing in the night? Mostly, we leave it alone, trust the steps, smile nervous smiles in how we make sense in spite of ourselves. Without decision, we begin to walk & plan, arrange settlements so our nature can be an outward place. I pause, turn for one heartbeat to align a sure surprise. Turning back, I am on fire, but you are not there. Did I miss a 'hold on', a 'wait here'? Question becomes confusion becomes fear. I try to call, look out, but there is nothing, only a foreign sense of you very far away. Our wide, wild country has gone sour, spooky, gathering nonsense. I need to search, but I am dark on a vast edge, teetering with toes over the line, fettered, completely unable. My skin fissures, flakes away. Reduced to little of myself, I stagnate, cease to care. But you fought from where you had to go. Pushed, shook, stomped to make me move, know my strength, discover that while broken I was not ruined. So, I stepped, walked slowly to better ground where I could breathe, be of service again. I am not foolish - I will never feel all right or be completely comfortable in this change. And that's ok, for I still know your gardener's skin, your hair in the breeze, your voice in my sleep. It's all life.