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Thomas Bentley Obituary
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Memories and Condolences
for Thomas Bentley
David DeBowsky
September 9, 2008
I have many memories with Tom together on the wrestling team in high school. We had a great friendship during those years and spent time listening to music. I remember we installed an 8-Track player and speakers in my 1967 oldsmobile and drove around listening to the beatles, Cream and many other Classic Rock bands just enjoying life. I lost touch with Tom after High School, but the words I have read about him don;t surprise me. That he was compassionate, a lifelong student that was willing to learn new things, and try new things (Age no factor) is exactly who I would have thought he would be. I am sorry to hear of his passing, but it sounds as though he left his legacy with many people whose lives he crossed. In the end what really matters is did we make an impact on the lives of people we touched. It sounds like Tom did and for that may he be richly blessed.
Pete Bentley
September 1, 2008
The following is the eulogy I gave at Tom’s memorial service on Saturday August 23. I was honored to have the opportunity to speak about my brother before his family and friends. More than that, I am honored to have been his brother. Thank you to all who were able to attend, and to those who have posted messages, sent personal emails, and called any number of us:
Webster’s defines the term Renaissance man as a person of varying skills, interests and abilities. I can think of no better way to describe Tom Bentley. I would imagine that if you are here today, having known Tom, you would agree.
My bother Tom truly was a man of may skills, interests and abilities. To try to say that he was just one thing would be a disservice to his memory. Tom was so many things to so many people. However, to say that he was a Jack-of-All-Trades and Master-of-None would also not be true. Tom was an expert at many things.
Tom was a true craftsman. He was a builder, contractor and even designer. In his twenty or so years working in the construction industry Tom built log homes, model homes, custom homes, and dreams for so many people in the Colchester area. His professional knowledge and acumen, was only outweighed by his concern for personal service to his clients. Throughout high school and college I often had a chance to work with him to earn money on the side. In the private moments we spent together driving from job to job, Tom often emphasized the fact that the people he was working for were not just sources of income, but clients whom he viewed as partners; and that he was not just building their homes, he was helping to build their lives.
But there was so much more to Tom than just the profession he chose. Tom was an enthusiastic lover of music. In keeping with his well-rounded character, a discussion about music with him could take you from Mozart to the Monkeys, Beethoven to the Beatles, jazz to rock, classical to folk. It was he who introduced me to Elvis Costello, the Ramones, Iggy Pop, The Stray Cats, and even Robert Gordon who told us all that our girls were doodly-squat. Tom liked good music.
And his love for music did not stop as a passive listener. If you ever attended a party at Tom’s house, you were likely to find, as the crowd thinned out, and the hours began to wane, the sound of a harmonica humming away with the music popping out of the turntable’s needle—yes a record player. What can I say? Tom was also “old school.” He not only loved to listen to music, he relished the chance to play along with it. In fact, in one of the last conversations I had with him, Tom told me that he had recently taken up playing the Saxophone. The though of someone deciding at 50 to begin playing an instrument they have never played before might be a daunting prospect to many of us. But not him. It didn’t surprise me at all. I thought to myself, “Yup, that’s Tom.”
Tom also was a sports fan. My love and passion for baseball can be directly traced to him. In the fall of 1977, just as I was becoming aware of sports and their captivating allure, the Yankees were playing our Father’s childhood team, the Dodger. I recall walking into the living room to find Tom lying down on the couch. I took up my regular seat on his hip and asked him what he was watching. “The World Series,” he answered. “Who are you rooting for?” I asked. “The Yankees.” he said looking up at me. “Me too,” I said. A Yankees fan in an instant. And the rest is history—much to our Father’s chagrin. Unfortunately, Tom had a change of heart later in life and began actually rooting for the Red Sox. “Their fun to watch,” he told me a few years back. “I can’t help not rooting for them.” Much to my chagrin.
Perhaps more than anything of his other interests, Tom loved literature, poetry, and prose. Tom always had a fascination with the written language. I recall as a teenager running across a notebook of poems he had written from around the time he graduated from high school. I never told him or anyone, but before I gave it back to him I spent about a week reading and re-reading what he wrote. While I don’t recall the specifics of what was in it now, I do remember being struck by both the passion and ability in his writing. Before that I had always thought of him as almost a stereotypically strong and masculine figure—a former wrestler, an athlete, a construction worker, a general butt-kicker. But what I secretly found was that he was also a tender, caring, insightful person—even at a young age. When I gave it back to him, he smiled and said, “Thanks.” He never asked if I had read it, but I think he kind of knew. That day I learned a lesson about modesty.
In fact, I learned how to be a man in so many ways because of Tom. I learned that it was equally o.k. for a man to be strong and tender. I learned that it was equally o.k. for a man to both laugh and cry. I learned that it was equally o.k. for a man to like sports and the arts. In so many ways Tom was a second father to me. He helped raise me and teach me right from wrong. I am the man and father I am today because of the lessons he taught me. His legacy is not only alive in the man you see standing before you, but also in the two little girls I have waiting for me back at home in San Diego. Hopefully, we all represent that legacy well.
As a high school teacher, I tell my students all the time that the measure of one’s intelligence is not simply in the accumulated facts one knows. Instead, intelligence is also one’s ability to recognize what they don’t know, find interest in it, and actively seek to learn more. In that, Tom is one of the most intelligent people I ever met. His unending desire to learn along with his unparalleled capacity to do so set him apart from anyone I have ever come in contact with.
My brother Tom Bentley is gone. There is no getting around that. And today the world is just a little less interesting without him. I recently had a conversation with a close friend who was doing his best to give me comfort. He said he couldn’t fathom what it was like to lose a sibling. He said, “I can’t imagine how much your life has been impacted because Tom died.” I stopped for a moment and thought. And then I smiled and said, “Yes, my life has been impacted profoundly. But not because Tom died, but because Tom lived.”
There’s an old Indian proverb that says, “When you were born, you cried and the world rejoiced. Live your life so that when you die, the world cries and you rejoice.” Thomas Allen Bentley lived such a life.
Sylvina Rollins
August 28, 2008
I was so sad to hear of Tom’s death. My heart felt sympathy goes out to Tom’s family and friends. Tom was a clever, playful person I am so sorry he is gone. I have countless fond memories of our days together. From watching him playing softball, installing drywall, fishing and telling stories…there is so much more.
My thoughts are with you all at this difficult time. With deep Sympathy. Sincerely, Sylvina W. Rollins
Andy Poniatowski
August 26, 2008
My deepest sympathy to Tom's family. Tom was a dear friend of mine since the 6th grade. We shared many happy moments, in school, in sports, out of school, and we've managed to keep in touch all these years. I will miss our conversations very much!! Rest peacefully, my friend!!
Rick Beaulieu
August 25, 2008
I am very sorry to hear of Tom's passing. It has been a long time since I have known Tom, but I have fond memories for him and his brother John. Tom will be in our prayers.
Rick Beaulieu
Mary Ann Bentley
August 21, 2008
To Tab's family,
We are saddened to hear of Tab's untimely passing and so very sorry of your loss. Ken recalls fond memories of childhood times spent together on Lake Saint Catherine, in Vermont, riding in Uncle Bob's "booby-hatch" car. He also recalls eating mayonnaise sandwiches in the Stonybriook, Long Island house.
May your cherished memories be a comfort to you during this difficult time.
Love and deepest sympathy to Uncle Bob and Aunt Odette.
You are in our thoughts and prayers.
Ken & Mary Ann Bentley
Seth +Amy Gilistro
August 20, 2008
Tom was an extraordinary man who guided me through many tough times in my life. Sometimes it was "tough love" as he would call it but it made me a better man and father to my kids. He was a good father,friend,and confidant. We will miss him very much. He was always the guy I sought out for advice on a variety of issues. I want to extend our condolences to the entire family.
Alice Jane and Bob Broadbent (Bentley)
August 20, 2008
Uncle Bob and Aunt Odette, We were so sad to hear about Tom's passing. You have my deepest sympathy and will be in our thoughts and prayers.
David and Sandy Bentley (son, David & daughter, Katie)
August 20, 2008
Our sincere and deepest sympathies go out to the family and friends of Tom (Tab).
LAURIE BENTLEY
August 19, 2008
I am very shocked, saddened and very sorry to hear of Tom's untimely passing. He was so young! I had talked to him not too long ago. I am remembering all the good times we had and extending sincere sympathy to all of you. My son, Seth Gilistro (Tom's step son) and his wife will pay his respects in CT. As we live in San Antonio, Texas we will have a mass for Tom at Our Lady of Guadalupe Catholic Church in his honor. i know how sick he was and he is at peace with God now>
In sympathy< Laurie Bentley
John (Pete) Bentley
August 19, 2008
I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. Know that my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.
Pete Bentley, Colorado
Ron and Donna Hathaway
August 18, 2008
Odet, Pete and to all of the family Ron and I are so sorry to hear of Tom's passing. Such a terrible loss for you all. Know that our love goes out to you and that you are in our prayers. Ron and Donna
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